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September 27, 2016 — No comments
— You’re kind of strange. Why don't you communicate? AWWW! Are you with us? - a phrase I heard constantly. How many times did she knock me out of the violent flow of my thoughts and return me to a viscous, meaningless reality, where I had to communicate on stupid topics.
- Hey! Come back to us! - in a giggling voice that responded like an exploding shell in my head, some person wanted to include me in the conversation. She absolutely did not understand that she - like other people with their funny problems - were not at all interesting to me.
- A? What? No, no, I’m with you, I said. And with an effort of will, I tried to squeeze out some phrase from myself so that everyone would understand that I was listening very carefully to the conversation about some Petka the goat. About what he did and how to punish him. And when the focus on my personality subsided a little, the voices of the people around me died down, and I again flew away into my universe.
Strange torments of a strange man
It’s strange, how can you be so interested in some Petka? Who cares what he thinks about you? Does this really make sense?
And next time I don’t even want to leave the house, so as not to hear this nonsense and stupidity uttered by the people with whom I have to communicate.
Of course, I understood that this probably shouldn’t be the case. I looked at my friends and colleagues - how they chirped about their problems, cried, cursed - and did not understand how anyone could be interested in such nonsense? Is this really all people need?
All these questions were fully answered by the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan.
You are too active on social networks
If you post a lot of photos, this can be annoying. We came to this conclusion1. D. Houghton, A. Joinson, N. Caldwell et al. Tagger's Delight? Disclosure and liking behavior on Facebook: the effects of sharing photographs amongst multiple known social circles 2. D. Houghton, A. Joinson, N. Caldwell et al. Photographic Disclosure in Facebook and Relational Intimacy with Others / Proceedings of the 51st Hawaii International Conference on System Sciences researchers from Birmingham Business School. They emphasize that most subscribers do not know you well enough, so they will not be interested in following your every move. Although the study was conducted only on the Facebook audience, its results are quite applicable to other social networks.
What to do if the people you have to communicate with are uninteresting?
The answer to this question does not lie in going to a desert island and running away from people. And it’s not about (as psychologists advise) removing the irritating factor. The point is to understand why this happens. Why am I not interested in what most people are interested in?
The fact is that every person is born with a certain set of desires, or, according to the terminology of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, a set of vectors. Some want success, some want family, some want love - each vector has its own desires. And only people with a sound vector, one way or another, consciously or not, ask themselves the question of the meaning of life. What is this all for? Why did I come into this world?
Each person unconsciously strives to satisfy them, strives for pleasure from the fulfillment of these desires.
Without receiving pleasure, a person suffers. But the trouble is that often we don’t know for sure how to satisfy these desires, we wander like hedgehogs in the fog and only timidly try to find this very pleasure. But in fact we get nothing but disappointment. We want it, but we don't get it. Because there is no clear knowledge of how to do this.
Reason No. 2: I’m not interesting to anyone because I’m not very interesting to myself.
It would be more accurate to replace the word “nobody” in this phrase with “myself”: “I don’t like myself.” It happens that we become so stuck in the feeling of our uninteresting and inferiority that it becomes impossible to approach us. It’s as if we are huddled into a ball, exposing our sharp needles.
It seems like there are people all around, but it seems like there’s no one...
A story from life. Katya is standing at the bus stop and waiting for the bus. Pasha approaches her to ask how to get to the shopping mall - Katya answers gloomily and is plunged into thoughts that no one is interested in her. And Pasha really wanted to meet.
What to do? Imagine yourself as the mother of this prickly little lump. What words would you say to him? How would you console? What would you do to cheer us up? Do something to support yourself and take care of yourself. Ask someone close to you for help.
Questions to think about. What do you really like about yourself? What else? Write a list of at least 10 items. For more information, see the article “Techniques for increasing self-esteem.”
Someone's inside, can you hear?
For a person with a sound vector (namely, people who are somehow interested in the meaning of life have it), a natural desire is to know the deep meanings, the root causes of events. He consciously wants to understand who he is, why and where he is going. There are about 5% of such special people with a special psyche.
Without receiving answers to these questions and proper realization of his properties, the sound engineer completely loses interest in ordinary human joys, which are not in his first place anyway.
Material desires are generally “out of focus” for them - they need something more. Or, as my grandmother used to say, some kind of “goddam.”
The potential of the abstract intelligence of a sound engineer is enormous. It is created for learning deep meanings. And daily needs pale in comparison with this desire.
Not finding meaning, the sound artist withdraws into his own world, and he gets the impression of his own uniqueness and loneliness. It seems that no one can understand him intellectually. He isolates himself from other people, from what he considers uninteresting. That is, meaningless.
You sacrifice yourself for the benefit of others
It may seem that the more altruistic you are, the more people like you. But this is not always the case.
In 2010, American psychologists proposed1. C. D. Parks, A. B. Stone. The desire to expel unselfish members from the group / Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2. C. Parks. Your Most Helpful Colleague (Don't You Hate Him?) / Harvard Business Review have several students play with four other people they won't see. They were actually computer algorithms. One of them was either trying to maximize his profits or was very invested in the common cause. The rest behaved with restraint.
At the end of the experiment, students were asked to rate those they played with. It turned out that people who are too unselfish are disliked almost as much as selfish people.
Come to the surface
And we, as a rule, live in the direction set by our parents and society, locking ourselves into false attitudes and other people’s desires. Life goes on as usual. You need to earn a living, go to work that does not bring satisfaction. In general, pretend to be a “decent citizen”, and your head lives its own life. The gaping hole of misunderstanding of one's place in this world is growing.
Trying to somehow dilute the boring flow of life, sound people get carried away by all sorts of esoteric trends and teachings. But this also does not bring any satisfaction, much less an answer to questions - only slight relief for a short period of time. And now the question about the meaning of life is knocking on the door again.
Knowledge of system-vector psychology can become a coordinate system for a person with a sound vector to find his place among other people. Systems thinking reveals the meanings that he is looking for, returning the sound artist to the world of people, only among whom he can find his realization.
When sound engineers get the very answer to their main question “why is all this for?” When they begin to understand the hidden motives of other people, understand their internal properties and desires, they have the ability to realize themselves in modern society, according to their mental properties. Therefore, after realizing these things, people for a sound artist become not an empty, faceless something, but the very thread that will connect him with reality. It is precisely the tool that will finally allow him to realize the essence of things hidden from him.
Thousands of people have already received their results. Read and watch reviews from people who have mastered systems thinking. Their loneliness is a thing of the past:
You can endlessly hide from people, feeling the meaninglessness of existence, or you can come out of inner pain and become able to realize yourself in this world. This is already possible in free online lectures on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan. Register using the link.
Author Yulia Ulzhaeva
The article was written using materials from online training on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan
You have a complex first or last name
As unpleasant as it may sound, people may not only mock those with unpronounceable names, but also intuitively dislike S. M. Laham, P. Koval, A. L. Alter. The name‑pronunciation effect: Why people like Mr. Smith more than Mr. Colquhoun / Journal of Experimental Social Psychology them.
Scientists emphasize that names, in addition to communicating gender, ethnicity and origin, can influence lives. For example, it will be easier for a person with an easy-to-pronounce surname to advance in their career. This fact is worth taking into account, although, of course, it is not necessary to run to the passport office.
Probable Causes
Why don't people want to communicate with me? First , you need to understand the reasons why people avoid communicating with you.
This will help you better understand how to fix the problem. Analyze your own actions.
Interview your friends and relatives about your sociability, methods of communication, and the reactions of others to your words or actions.
The main reasons why no one wants to communicate with you:
- You only talk about topics that interest you .
Every person is a little selfish, and he wants his topics to be discussed in the conversation. It is quite possible that you constantly talk about the same issues, talk about your hobby, which does not arouse interest among others. - You constantly complain about your problems. People get tired of listening to you. They can support you for a limited period of time, but when they have to listen to complaints every time they talk, they begin to avoid contact with you. In fact, no one cares what happens in your life. Everyone is busy with their own problems, and sometimes they also want to speak out, ask for advice or simply get support.
- You are a pessimist in life. People try to avoid sad, gloomy, angry people. They spoil everyone's mood, they infect you with pessimism and negativity. Therefore, people try to communicate with you as little as possible, and at most say hello.
- You have strong appearance defects that irritate other people or cause hostility. Unfortunately, people also react to appearance; they should be pleased to be near a person and communicate with him. This is a certain degree of comfort during contact.
- You are too annoying . People tend to maintain a certain distance, even friends. Perhaps you pry too deeply into your soul, try to give unnecessary advice, there are “too many” of you in communication, you often invite people to visit or offer to spend time together, you try to be in close physical contact, which not everyone likes.
- You gossip too much, talk about other people behind their back .
People understand that you will also discuss them, so they try not to get close to you, not to share news or experiences. - You smell bad. People are sensitive to scents. If you have a strong smell of sweat or bad breath, then your interlocutors will find this unpleasant, and over time they will begin to avoid communication.
- You are too insecure. Low self-esteem makes you an uninteresting person.
- You speak little and answer in monosyllables. Your interlocutors get the impression that you are simply not interested in the conversation.
- You don't command respect. This is a problem of the individual as a whole, there is a whole complex of reasons. Sometimes it depends on weakness of character, your wrong behavior from the point of view of society or other reasons.
- You behave immorally , people try to avoid contact with you.
- Difference in social status.
In the modern world, the level you occupy in life matters. People of high social status will simply not be interested in you. - You don't know how to formulate thoughts. Your phrases are fragmentary, incomprehensible, and it is difficult for your opponents to grasp the essence of what was said.
You may have one main reason why they don’t want to communicate with you, or there may be several. In any case, you need to work on improving the quality of your personality.
You don’t let your interlocutor talk about yourself or you don’t reveal anything yourself
Sharing some information about yourself is a good way to gain the favor of your interlocutor. To prove this, a team of psychologists from the United States modeled S. Sprecher, S. Treger, J. D. Wondra et al. Taking turns: Reciprocal self‑disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions / Journal of Experimental Social Psychology communication of people on Skype, dividing the experiment participants into pairs.
In some, the subjects shared information about themselves with each other during a conversation; in others, one person spoke and the other listened. As a result, the level of mutual sympathy among the latter was significantly lower.
Therefore, you should not bombard your interlocutor with questions or, conversely, just sit and listen. The exchange of personal information must be mutual, otherwise nothing good will come of the communication.
You brag about your influential acquaintances
Perhaps you studied in the same department as a celebrity or once rode in an elevator with a famous actor. Or maybe you have influential friends?
One way or another, it is better not to talk about it if you are not asked or if the conversation was about something else. An experiment conducted by Swiss psychologists shows C. Lebherz, K. Jonas, B. Tomljenovic. Are we known by the company we keep? Effects of name-dropping on first impressions / Social Influence that name-dropping (literally translated “name-dropping”) runs the risk of not being taken seriously. People will think you are bragging or trying to hide your lack of other accomplishments.
You don't shake hands firmly enough when meeting someone
A firm handshake is considered W. F. Chaplin, J. B. Phillips, J. D. Brown et al. Handshaking, Gender, Personality, and First Impression / Personality Processes And Individual Differences by people as a sign of a positive attitude to life, sociability and calmness. It is therefore not surprising that in experiments simulating interviews, those who gave a tangible hand shake received a G. L. Stewart, S. L. Dustin, M. R. Barrick et al. Exploring the handshake in employment interviews / Journal of Applied Psychology higher scores.
However, it is worth noting two points. This only applies to men (women's handshakes had no effect on their chances of being chosen), and it's still not worth breaking a person's wrist.
