Danish writer and psychotherapist Ilse Sand, in her book “Compass of Emotions: How to Understand Your Feelings,” sorted out the real origins of aggression and gave recommendations on how to channel seething emotions into productive channels instead of destructive ones.
Ilse Sand
Psychotherapist, author of the book “Compass of Emotions: How to Understand Your Feelings.”
We all have moments when we get angry at other people. And it seems like there really is a reason for anger. Someone pushed you and didn't apologize. Someone was late for an important meeting, forcing a change in plans. Someone interferes with their endearments and stupid SMS when they are stuck at work! You give vent to seemingly objective indignation, reprimand the “offender” - and as a result you get a conflict, a spoiled mood, strained relationships with others and other delights of splashed out anger.
At such moments, many are consoled by the thought: “He started it first, I just answered.” But that's not true. It is extremely rare that anger is just anger. Much more often we get angry at other people through no fault of theirs—the reasons for the rage are hidden within ourselves. Anger is a typical secondary emotion that arises only as a response to other, deeper emotions that we experience in connection with the situation.
These emotions that become the trigger for rage are in most cases based on one of four reasons.
- Someone, by word or deed, intentionally or accidentally hurt your pride, humiliated you, demonstrated your insignificance. This is one of the most common causes of anger. Vanity is a painful point for all humanity.
- Someone is offering you attention, intimacy, care that you are not ready to accept right now. The irritation that arises is self-defense, it works almost automatically.
- Someone is taking actions that are completely contrary to your values and ideals.
- Someone's actions disrupt your plans and make it difficult to achieve your goals.
If you determine which of these reasons caused the anger, it will be easier to deal with the anger. Let's take a closer look at these four groups.
Don't try to drown out your feelings
It is normal to experience strong emotions and feelings, especially now. Ask yourself, “How am I feeling right now?” Fear, anxiety, excitement, anger, anger, horror, disgust, shame? Pay attention to your body and sensations.
Acknowledge your feelings. Say things like, “I'm scared. I'm afraid". Then be more specific: “I’m afraid of getting hit in the head, I’m afraid of ending up in prison, I’m afraid of cockroaches and lack of toilet paper,” - it’s better to even write it down or find free ears.
Symptoms
Irritability and aggression manifest themselves in the form of somatic and mental symptoms.
The first consists of pain, dizziness, disorders of the digestive system, disorders of sexual desire and other physical abnormalities. Mental symptoms manifest themselves in emotional stress - anxiety and irritability for no reason, isolation, fixation on problems, phobias, photophobia, increased sensitivity to temperature changes, inferiority complex and others.
Go to like-minded people
Go to those who understand you: tell about what is happening to you now, what you feel, think, see. Ask what thoughts and feelings they have, support each other, help, cooperate.
If you can’t calm down, you have complaints about your physical and mental state, seek help - many psychologists now help for free.
We have created a Telegram chat for psychological mutual assistance - there you can talk about your feelings, ask questions and get answers from psychologists, and sign up for a free appointment.
Watching from the window is embarrassing and painful. What to do if you are faced with a choice?
First, make a list: what ways in your picture of the world are there to express your civic position?
How to make a choice. Close your eyes and say one choice, for example: “I’m going for a walk around the city today,” and listen to your body: did it shrink or expand? Has it become warm? Got goosebumps? Is there heaviness? What words can describe your feelings? Remember them. Breathe.
Now say the second choice: “I stay at home and do this,” what happened to your body? What does it feel like? What words can you use to describe them?
Go through all the points and choose the most pleasant feeling. Where the body relaxes, expands, warmth is felt.
How to behave with inappropriate people: psychologists advise
How to listen to others?
When a person feels bad, he definitely doesn’t look for advice and the standard “everything will be fine.” It is important to be close, to withstand the whole palette of emotions and feelings of the interlocutor, to sit, looking into his eyes. You can say what is happening to you at this moment, what you feel: “I see how hurt you are, I sympathize with you.”
If you don’t feel anything, it will be enough: “I don’t know how it is, but I definitely see how bad you are, and I can be with you now.” There is no need to give advice, this is how we move away from the person and his experiences, we run away.
Shared experience is a huge value in the human world, and a crisis helps people turn to each other. The other side of anxiety is love. We fear for our loved ones because we love them, and the more we love them, the more we are afraid. If my anxiety is an expression of my love, then what can I do out of love and not out of anxiety?
read books
I offer a selection of books that will help you better understand the nature of anger and reduce its manifestations:
- “Anger Management” by Dan Dubravin;
- “How to get rid of resentment and anger” Pavel Fedorenko, Ilya Kachay;
- “Taming Anger” by Gary Chapman;
- “Practice joy. How to manage anger” Thich Nhat Hanh;
- “Tame your dragon. Anger in the family” Ekaterina Burmistrova;
- “Healing from Anger” Dalai Lama XIV;
- “Fear, anger, sadness and joy” Yulia Panfilova.
What about people who make things worse?
Communication with some people now will be toxic - pay attention to those who, with their remarks, increase your feeling of powerlessness. It is impossible to rely on them. These are frustrators - you need to limit communication with them for a while.
Most instant messengers (if they currently work for you) give you the opportunity to block a contact for a while. Do this right now with those who send demotivational pictures or pester you with “I told you so.”
If the frustrator lives in the same apartment with you, then try not to argue - arguments are exhausting. You can say: “Let’s not do it,” the main thing is don’t start responding to attacks and don’t prove anything. Connect with people who support you.
Distancing technique “Tower”: sit or lie down comfortably, close your eyes and imagine how slowly a tower is being built around you in a circle, from bottom to top - not huge, but not cramped either. You can adjust the permeability of the material, “fill” the tower with pleasant objects, build other towers outside - one for each negative thought or person. “Quenching” - speak in response 5–10 times fewer words than they say to you. It seems that you are communicating, but the desire to argue with you disappears. “Broken record” - in response to any statements, repeat the same phrase with the same intonation: “I understand everything”, “Okay”, “Yes”, “No” - any short phrase that reflects your desire or state .
Managing anger when someone disrupts our plans
In these situations we do not get what we want, and yet they do not fall into any of the other three categories. Here are some examples.
- It seems to you that someone is preventing you from achieving your goal (putting a spoke in your wheels).
- You don't get what you want (you feel disappointed).
- Others violate your boundaries by touching your things or dancing with your partner, clinging too closely to him. The latter provokes anger similar to the anger of animals when a stranger invades their territory.
What does it look like in life
Let's say your neighbor parks right in front of your garage. You can leave, but you will have to spend more time and effort on it than usual, and you’re already late! The first desire is to kick the offender’s car in the wheel, and when he gets out, tell him everything you think about him.
Taking out the anger seems like a good solution in this case. But, unfortunately, this will not lead to anything good. Most likely, you will hear from your neighbor something like: “I left the car for two minutes, and you threw a tantrum!” or “Who gave you the right to talk to me in that tone?!” As a result, you will have one more ill-wisher.
When you are angry, you have an unfulfilled desire. If you realize exactly what you want and convey it to your opponent instead of anger, you will achieve much better results in the long run.
Ilse Sand
Adrenaline and cortisol. The effects of stress can be confused with a concussion
Thanks to stress hormones, a person’s capabilities increase many times over in a situation of danger: adrenaline reduces the ability to feel pain - this is how nature helps living beings fight or escape even in the event of injury. Adrenaline increases strength and endurance, and mental abilities. You may shake - this is the body trying to deliver more oxygen to the muscles, the pupils will dilate.
Adrenaline triggers the release of glucose to give the body more energy. But if this energy is not involved in any way, then it can become bad - due to nausea, headaches, changes in vision, the post-adrenaline state can be confused with a concussion.
Keep in mind that you are under stress, but know that if you have any, even minor, head injury, you should consult a doctor.
Summary
Anger is a natural emotion that is common to absolutely everyone. There is no need to be ashamed of it, much less turn a blind eye to your negative state, otherwise the body literally risks getting sick. There can be many reasons for irritation, so it is important to start with the prevention of anger: do not pay attention to the little things and avoid situations that can make you angry.
How to stop getting angry over trifles? It's simple: learn to separate the serious from the frivolous. Ask yourself if the situation is worth your nerves and are you willing to put your health on the scale for the sake of a few minutes of anger?
In any case, no matter what makes you angry, you need to be able to react to your emotions in a timely manner and direct them in the right direction. Play sports, take a walk in the park, pick up paints and start creating. Let your energy become a driving force for you, not a destructive one.
We wish you peace of mind!
Yes, be sure to share your experience with us:
We also recommend reading:
- Storytelling
- How to manage anger
- “Emotional Intelligence” by Daniel Goleman: book summary
- Ability to understand emotional state
- Is there a connection between humor and intelligence?
- How to manage anger?
- Mindfulness and its benefits
- Emotions and health: how they are interconnected
- Anger: causes and overcoming
- 12 Anger Management Strategies
- Anger management: a selection of useful materials
Key words:1Psychoregulation
We remove stress hormones. What to do to get rid of the “cloudy” condition?
The autonomic nervous system is divided into two sections: sympathetic and parasympathetic. In stressful situations, the sympathetic system is activated - the pupils, bronchi, kidneys, tracheas dilate, urine output decreases, and blood vessels constrict.
To restore, the parasympathetic system is activated - with abundant secretions of the lacrimal and salivary glands, the stomach secretes more juice. What should I do to help her?
- Drink water or tea , do not drink alcohol.
- Do not overload on sugar and fast carbohydrates; your body is already full of energy.
- Breathing exercises. You can try equal inhalation and exhalation, exhalation longer than inhalation, or a square (exhale, pause, inhale, pause - all in four counts).
- If there is no suspicion of a concussion, physical activity is most effective at burning off excess adrenaline . Our favorite method is the pool (at home we replace it with push-ups and a shower).
Be sure to maintain sleep - if you don’t get enough sleep, your anxiety will only get worse
Add activity to your life
If anger is your frequent companion, you may be lacking in physical activity. Increased levels of adrenaline in the blood can cause strong emotional reactions. It is successfully neutralized by active muscle work.
The most universal advice is to go in for sports. There is nothing better neither for physical health nor for moral. Sports train endurance, self-control, willpower, and endurance.
To relieve tension during a temper tantrum, boxing and sprinting are good options. You can take out all your anger on a punching bag, and you will immediately feel better.
However, to learn how to channel the energy of anger into a peaceful direction, these sports are not suitable. Psychologists advise choosing non-aggressive activities with a small number of participants. Another useful component is breathing techniques. During attacks of anger, the breathing rhythm is disrupted. By learning to control your breathing process, you will significantly reduce the severity of your emotional reaction.
Oriental martial arts are perfect: aikido, judo, karate. In addition to sports, they also have a spiritual component. The key concept of their philosophy is acceptance. The point of the fight is not to attack the enemy, but to parry the blow beautifully and accurately.
Practices to alleviate psychological conditions
Some useful tips from the Tolerate Uncertainty blog and our past materials:
- Safe place. Imagine yourself in a place where you feel good and safe (real or any fantasy). Pay attention to the details, feel the feeling of security and comfort.
- Remember who you are. Remind yourself of who you are, what your successes and achievements are, who you love, where you want to go, what kind of breakfast you like. You are not a thin, defenseless cobweb in the hands of strangers, but a very specific person with your own history and your own “I”. You are important.
- Support. If you are standing, feel the floor with your feet; if you are sitting, feel the back of the chair, the seat. Concentrate on this feeling of support beneath you for a few minutes.
- What happens is like a story. Take the position of observer, storyteller, director. Remember what is happening and the details, imagining how you will write a book about it or make a film, tell your friends.
- Let out your rage. You can hit pillows, break cardboard boxes, break dishes, tear up pieces of paper.
- Cleaning the brain. When you feel an influx of disturbing thoughts, imagine that your brain is filled with garbage. Choose a tool (broom, vacuum cleaner, brush, robot vacuum cleaner), a method (for example, place yourself with a brush in the brain or attach a hose from a vacuum cleaner to the back of the head) and imagine how all the garbage is collected and the brain is cleansed. Dust, tangled threads, scraps of paper, candy wrappers - watch carefully how they disappear into the “mind sucker”. Thoughts come in the form of sounding words (your own or someone else’s) - imagine some kind of buzzing that also draws you there. After mental cleansing, look into your head and state the fact: “emptiness...”, “silence...”.
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Techniques for relieving anger, aggression and rage
Aggression is inherent in us by nature itself and, every time we suppress it, we direct our strength against ourselves
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The accumulated energy of anger and anger destroys us from the inside, causing illness, fatigue and depression. Is it worth it? How to free yourself from accumulated grievances and negative emotions? Give vent to your feelings
Outbursts of anger and rage are the body’s protective reaction when our internal fuses are triggered. Thus, we get rid of the emotions and experiences that overwhelm us. But not everyone is capable of this because of their beliefs: some believe that openly expressing anger is bad, others believe that this is how they show their weakness.
But our strength lies in recognizing our weaknesses. Therefore, it is very important to allow yourself to be angry and feel anger. You don't forbid yourself to laugh, do you? And joy is the same natural emotion as anger, only without your internal limitations. Let go of beliefs that hold you back from expressing your true nature and release pent-up emotions without judging yourself.
If you need to express your emotions on a physical level, do so (without harming yourself or others, of course). Take a pillow and start boxing on it, write a hate letter and burn it, lock yourself in your car and scream at the top of your lungs.
Don't push it to the limit
The best way to deal with anger is to express it to the person who made you angry. Just say, “You know, I don’t like it when you do that or when you talk to me...” or “I’m angry with you because...”. Of course, it is not always justified to express everything to your face. You can address the offender through the mirror. Play out the situation that pissed you off, and, imagining in the mirror the one who offended you, express everything you think about him. After your anger has subsided, try to sincerely understand and forgive him. Forgiveness will help you completely free yourself from anger and aggression.
Keep a diary
Have you noticed that similar situations often make us angry? Keep a diary and write down everything that caused your anger. Describe what made you angry and how it made you feel. The world around us works like a big mirror, reflecting what is happening inside us. It often happens that we ourselves provoke certain behavior of people towards us.
Is there something coming from you that makes others want to annoy you? Think about whether the person you dislike reflects what is in you. Perhaps he is doing something that you do not allow yourself to do. Assessing what is happening will help you find the cause of your anger and change your own beliefs.
Learn to pause
An uncontrolled outburst of irritation and anger can greatly harm you, ruining your career or personal life. The price for a moment of weakness can be unreasonably high. Therefore, it is very important to learn how to cope with the indignation or anger that grips you.
The easiest way to cope is to take a deep breath and count to ten. If possible, take a walk. Movement will help you cope with the adrenaline rush.
When you feel like you can barely restrain yourself from saying too much, mentally fill your mouth with water. Let the plot from the fairy tale about enchanted water help you with this.
Once upon a time there lived an old man and an old woman. Not a day went by that they didn't fight. And although both were tired of quarreling, they could not stop. One day a fortune teller came to their house and gave them a bucket of enchanted water: “If you feel like swearing again, take a mouthful of this water, and the quarrel will pass.” As soon as she was out the door, the old woman began to nag the old man. And he took water into his mouth and remained silent. What now, should the old woman shake the air alone? - It takes two to quarrel! So they lost the habit of swearing
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Get rid of pent-up aggression
The following techniques, borrowed from the Taoist teachings of Shou Tao, will help you get rid of anger, anxiety and internal blocks.
Buddha smile
The “Buddha Smile” exercise will allow you to easily achieve a state of mental balance. Calm down and try not to think about anything. Completely relax your facial muscles and imagine how they fill with heaviness and warmth, and then, having lost their elasticity, seem to “flow” down in a pleasant languor. Focus on the corners of your lips.
Imagine how your lips begin to move slightly to the sides, forming a slight smile. Do not exert any muscular effort. You will feel your lips stretch into a subtle smile, and a feeling of incipient joy will appear throughout your body. Try to do this exercise every day until the “Buddha smile” state becomes familiar to you.
One step forward is a beast, one step back is a man
This exercise is especially useful for shy people who are embarrassed by their anger and ashamed of its manifestation. Take a step forward, causing wild rage in yourself, feel the readiness to destroy everything in your path. Then take a step back, performing the “Buddha smile” and returning to a state of absolute calm.
Take a step forward again, transforming into an angry beast, and a step back, returning to the human state. As you step forward, reinforce your rage with screams, you can swear or clench your jaw forcefully. When taking a step back, it is very important to catch the moment of relaxation, paying attention to the muscles.
This exercise requires a lot of emotional investment. Stop as soon as you feel tired. By doing it regularly, you will see that your steps will become faster and faster, and you will learn to easily move from rage to complete calm.
Remember: these techniques and exercises will help temporarily relieve aggression and get rid of anger, but will not eliminate the original cause of their occurrence. Contact a specialist for qualified help. Take care of yourself!
Psychoanalytic studio of Elena Urbanovich
