How to forgive an offense once and for all - how to stop chewing nasty gum from negative memories

How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? You need to take 3 steps to forgiveness.

How to let go of a grudge against a person and forgive? Being in a state of resentment, you have little idea that you can forgive, forget and move on as if nothing had happened. But I assure you that you will definitely forgive your offenses and get out of the position of victim.

Why does resentment arise?

Close people offend you the most: consciously or not, they hit the most painful, sensitive points. Such blows often have long-term consequences, which are difficult to get rid of.

All people are different. One person will laugh at an offensive word or not pay attention; in a few minutes he will forget. And the other will worry, replay the situation again and again, sometimes for years, destroying himself from the inside.

It’s easy to advise: ignore, forget, forgive the offender. It is much more difficult to do this, sincerely, from the heart. If you can’t do this “naturally”, you need to look for outside help.

Causes

First, you need to understand what prompted a person to offend. Reasons often cited include:

• envy. In this case, the interlocutor seems to devalue someone else’s achievement, finding shortcomings in it and belittling its merits. It seems that he says this with the best intentions, but he steals someone else’s joy, leaving resentment in his soul. Everyone can remember such examples: “Natural fur is not in fashion these days” - as a commentary on a long-desired and finally acquired fur coat; “Now you will have to be responsible for other people’s mistakes and work twice as hard” - as a congratulation on a new position and the like;
• disappointed expectations. A friend promised to help with the repairs, but instead went to the cinema with his wife; the parents were going to take the child to the circus, but there were other things to do and other plans for the weekend;
• desire to humiliate. The most serious problems arise from the deliberate desire of one person to humiliate another. These are the hardest grudges to let go of;
• lack of tact. There are people who don't really think about what they say. Moreover, they elevate this quality to the rank of people, believing that one must always tell the truth, even offensive ones, directly to one’s face.

Resentment can arise unintentionally, but this is precisely the easiest case.

Childhood

All our psychological problems, in one way or another, stem from childhood, with all the childhood grievances and traumas that we carry with us all our lives until we begin to work through them.

The first thing you should write down is all the episodes from childhood related to your current grievance, when someone made someone else feel guilty.

We are talking here about parents, your brothers and sisters, grandparents, etc. If you perceived as a child that someone was making someone else guilty, you learned all these games from there, so they need to be written down.

• As a child, they congratulated you on your birthday or did not congratulate you

Here you can write down all the vivid memories from his past about when someone didn’t congratulate someone on their birthday, and what stuck with you in connection with this.

• As a child, they made a big holiday out of their birthday.

Here you should write down your entire opinion regarding your birthday and why, when you were little, it was such a big and important holiday for you.

• I didn't get enough attention as a child on my birthdays.

Here we come close to the fundamental subconscious root of resentment - the victim mentality.

All our grievances from the past (especially childhood) forced us to start playing the game of sacrifice, which many of your friends and relatives continue to play to this day, and will play it until they go to their graves.

As we accumulate more and more grievances, we begin to play the victim more and more, and playing the victim forces us to have more and more grievances. It turns out to be a vicious circle, but elaboration is what can break it over time. The first step is to write out your charges. The victim always blames other people or circumstances for the fact that they feel bad, but in this case we are not actually blaming, but describing aspects of playing the victim in order to then remove the emotional charge from them. He releases his victim “to freedom”, and let her express everything she thinks.

• On my birthdays I was given a lot of attention, but on other days I was sometimes a nobody to my parents, they didn't care about me

Maybe that's why you attach so much importance to DR. As a child, the gap between DR and everyday life was too great.

• The only day when we received attention, love, warmth, care from our parents was our birthday
• Birthday is the only day when we could not be afraid that we would be punished
• Birthday was a day without fear
• Birthday was a day of absolute acceptance of us as we are.
• We were forgiven for everything on our birthday.
• We saw someone else say goodbye on our birthday

Now we can touch on another possible reason why you are reacting this way to this incident. It is possible that as a child you learned that people do not congratulate someone on purpose in order to hurt them or because they do not respect you.

• We perceived that someone deliberately offended another in childhood in order to rise above him, to bully him
• My friend deliberately did not congratulate me in order to mock me, to rise above me, to show that she is taller than me
• She specifically wanted to hurt and unpleasant me by not congratulating me
• She wanted to mock me without congratulating me on my birthday, she wants to make me suffer

If you really think so, you can remember all the moments from your childhood when it was you

deliberately bullied someone by not wishing them a happy birthday or because you didn't respect them. You are used to the fact that you yourself perceive such behavior on your part as bullying, and now you think that she behaves with you the way you once behaved with someone.

• As a child, not being congratulated on a birthday was the worst thing for me, because on this day we are used to having maximum attention, and it is on this day that lack of attention is the most painful
• Since childhood, I’ve gotten used to the fact that not everyone congratulates you on your birthday, but your friends will definitely congratulate you as a whole class. And if someone doesn’t congratulate you, it means he’s not a friend at all

Here we come close to another subconscious root of resentment - limiting beliefs.

Psychology of resentment

If you take the offense apart, it becomes clear that it consists of dissatisfaction with the offender and self-pity. Having not received what he expected, a person becomes more or less indignant. He weighs how unfairly he was treated, and then revels in this state.

It’s not for nothing that they say: in order not to be disappointed, you shouldn’t be enchanted. You should not place excessive hopes and expectations on others; everyone is free to choose. An offended person looks especially strange when expectations were formed a priori, without even voicing, by definition: I need it, I am owed.

Incident

Here you simply describe what happened in the way you perceive it.

• She didn't wish me happy birthday
• I waited all day for her to congratulate me, but she never wrote
• Moreover, she saw that everyone congratulated me on VK, and did not write
• I saw that she was online on WhatsApp this morning, so why didn't she write?

When writing, imagine that you are now at a meeting with a close friend or girlfriend, and you simply state the problem as you see it. You throw out everything you have: anger, tears, resentment, aggression, hatred, rejection.

After the incident is described (the more detailed, the better), move on to emotions.

Somatic manifestations of resentment

Learning to forgive is very important. By accumulating negative emotions in oneself, experiencing pain over and over again, for many days or years, a person ruins his own health.

Resentment seeks a way out, manifesting itself:

• allergies (suppression of self),
• diseases of the ENT organs (hidden anger, unspoken words),
• gastrointestinal disorders (fear, anger, anxiety),
• diseases of the genitourinary system, problems with childbirth (non-acceptance of one’s own femininity),
• overweight (eating resentment, fencing off from the world),
• liver disorders (anger, bile, suppression of negative emotions),
• pathologies of the cardiovascular system (loneliness, resentment towards a partner),
• oncology (growing deep resentment).

No to vengeance!

Many women are desperate to find out how to take revenge on their husband for an insult. Never act out of spite on your spouse, even if he mortally offended you. Don't try to touch him where it hurts by bringing old quarrels or negative situations into the conversation. Perhaps, if you do not use rancor, your marriage will be saved, but as soon as hurtful words are uttered in response or a hurtful act is committed, then there will be very little chance of a good life together.

Never take revenge, and if you promised to forgive your husband, then do not remind them of the quarrels after a while.

Psychologist's advice

Learning to forgive is not easy. Resentment, having settled in the soul, does not allow one to forget about itself. If you can’t let go of the situation, you can resort to special exercises.

1. Mentally take revenge. Imagine in every detail the offender and the situation that led to the offense, followed by revenge. It can be anything, the main thing is that the offender must be “punished”, and the offended person must feel avenged.
2. To forgive your husband or wife, you need to take a piece of paper and divide it into two parts. On one, write down all the words that are associated with offense. On the second - all the words that are associated with positive moments in life. Re-read both columns several times, then tear the sheet in half and burn the part on which the “grievance” is written. If you can’t forgive a man with whom you are just planning a relationship, you should break up with him.
3. Close your eyes, relax and mentally “inflate” the offense, bring the situation to the point of absurdity - what will happen if you continue to be offended. At some point, the offensive will become funny.

Many grievances last for many years, from the past, from childhood. You can try to talk frankly, express your painful issues. But if half your life you can’t forgive your sister for a broken doll or an unsuccessful romance, then you should seek professional help.

For those who want to become stronger

In order for you to be guaranteed to forgive your offense and stop being a person who tends to take offense, I wrote for you the book “From Victim to Hero: The Path of a Strong Man.”

It consists of practices aimed at ensuring that you stop holding anything to yourself and gain the determination to immediately talk about everything that does not suit you.

After reading it, you will learn to live as if it were your last day: your head will become clearer, doubts, resentments, fears and excuses will cease to make sense. You will begin to understand what is truly important. And you will gain the determination to change everything that does not suit you in life. You will learn to take responsibility. You will take an active life position and will easily express everything that you do not like. You will become stronger and naturally, instead of being offended, you will immediately look for and find a solution.

You can read the full description of the book and reviews of it, and also purchase the book using the link.

Step #3: Take Charge

And we continue the technique of forgiveness. Third step and third leaf. Resentment is your choice, which is most often not realized. Between stimulus and response, there is always a choice - how to respond. So, between an insult and being offended by this insult, there is a choice: to be offended or to pass by. The problem is that, as a rule, you do not have time to realize this and are immediately offended. The first time you choose your response to abuse is as a child. For example, a neighbor boy called you a fool, and you were offended. Since then, year after year, whenever a similar situation happened to you (you were insulted or criticized), you unconsciously chose to be offended again and again.

Have you ever noticed that some people are not offended when they are criticized? They consciously chose this. Or they were lucky - their parents taught them not to be offended by criticism in early childhood. And you start learning this now. It won't be easy, and it won't work out right away. But gradually, with patient effort over and over again, you will get what you want.

Whenever someone says or does something unpleasant to you, take a mental break. You have a choice how to react. Make this choice. While you are offended, you follow the offender's lead. But this is your life, and it’s up to you to decide whether to follow someone else’s lead or live the way you want.

So, the third step and the third piece of paper. Start it like this: “Dear (name)! I understand that I myself chose to be offended by you then. I bear full responsibility for being offended, for hating you...” Continue on your own. In this letter to your offender, write why you chose to be offended. What exactly bothered you then? All this time you have been transferring responsibility for the offense to the offender. But now you take responsibility. You were not offended, but you were offended. It's entirely possible that your abuser had no idea he was saying or doing anything wrong. But even if he did it intentionally, it only means that he achieved his goal. He has you hooked. You were offended, and all this time you were thinking about him and his action. You followed his lead.

From now on and forever, take responsibility for your grievances. You choose to be offended. This doesn't mean you have to take the blame. It is the offender's fault that you were treated this way. But you are responsible for reacting the way you did. There is a big difference between guilt and responsibility, and the key difference is that only by taking responsibility can you be able to forgive.

Resentment is the position of the weak and small. Responsibility is the position of the strong. I talk about this in detail in the book “From Victim to Hero: The Way of a Strong Man” and help you learn to take the position of a strong man.

Step #4: Forgive and Let Go

Start the fourth piece of paper like this: “Dear (name), I forgive you for that...”.

Write everything you wanted to say but couldn’t. Put all your love into this letter, all the warm and pleasant feelings that you feel for this person. Imagine him sitting in front of you and talk to him in your mind. Surely, he will be glad to hear that you have finally forgiven him. He will accept your kind words and reciprocate. Imagine all this while you write your letter of forgiveness.

Thank your abuser for giving you the opportunity to see your growth areas. Now you know where you need to grow and develop, what qualities to improve.

After performing the suggested technique, you should feel better. During the technique, you should feel unity with the offender and the completion of what was not completed then, on the day when you were offended. The main condition is to relive your resentment, all the emotions and feelings that fill you, to the maximum using this technique. Do it sincerely and with all your heart. Only you yourself can free yourself from this heavy burden.

Now you can do this technique with all the people and grievances that you have accumulated. Resentment takes a huge amount of energy and strength, so after performing the technique you will feel filled with energy. She comes back to you.

If by chance you ever mentally return to that unpleasant episode in the past that you just worked with, I recommend that you go through the fifth step.

Resentment is a very deep feeling that does not go away in one day. To do this, you need to work with yourself, you need to know yourself, be able to talk to yourself, recognize your feelings and emotions, and not deceive yourself.

Step #5: Anchor Exercise

You have completed the forgiveness technique presented in this article. But suddenly it happened that you again, perhaps out of habit, remembered your old grievance. In this case, add one more to your memory. After the abuser says those nasty words to you (or does those nasty actions), he comes close to you, looks you in the eye, takes your hands and says, “Please forgive me. I didn't mean to hurt you. Do not feel angry with me. Let go of your resentment."

Every time you mentally return to that offense, add this new episode to your memory. Over time, the new episode will become fixed in your thoughts along with the offense, and they will only be remembered by you together. Rest assured, you will soon be able to forgive.

How to take control of the situation

1. Understand that cultivating a problem and feeding it with negative emotions is a dead-end path that only leads to self-destruction.
2. Consider the situation from different angles and learn lessons, take the offense as self-motivation. For example, lose weight, read books, learn a language, improve professional skills (depending on what the problem is related to).
3. Determine for yourself why the person offended: if it was not done on purpose, then you should forgive your friend, and if it was done on purpose, break off the relationship. And in general, if possible, avoid toxic people.
4. Continue to work proactively: prevent situations that could end in negative emotions, and do not allow yourself to be drawn into them. Smile, ignore and remain silent. At first it is very difficult to do this, but if you practice, you will succeed.

Preamble

In fact, it is easier to prevent a quarrel with your husband than to think about how to survive this difficult conflict. Introduce one important rule into your family: under no circumstances should you involve relatives in disagreements or any mention of them. It’s hard to imagine a more serious cause of conflict than “but your mom is bothering us” or “your dad is lazy and worthless, just like you.”

How will you react if someone says something bad about your relatives, even if it is true? This is definitely a way to piss a person off. The main rule: parents are not chosen, they are not discussed. Take it to avoid a large number of quarrels.

Quotes about resentment and forgiveness

• do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven. (Gospel of Luke, 6, 37)
• it is very easy to forgive others for their mistakes; it is much more difficult to forgive them for witnessing our mistakes. (Jessamyn West)
• The only mistakes that are unforgivable are those we no longer love. (Madeleine de Scudery)
• The strongest victory of all is forgiveness. (Johann Friedrich Schiller)
• the one who takes revenge sometimes regrets what he did; he who forgives never regrets it. (Alexandre Dumas (father)
• The ability to forgive is a characteristic of the strong. The weak never forgive. (Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi)
• The power of forgiveness is a power that everyone has and is available to everyone. (Elias Canetti)

Forgive without judging

Can everything be forgiven? Most people believe that there are things that cannot be forgiven: murder, violence. However, in this case, you should remember the commandment: do not judge, lest you be judged. We are always subjective. No one knows exactly where the line of justice is. We are inside the situation and cannot find the strength to rise above it. Especially at a time of offense. When we argue whether we can forgive or not, we are already violating a wise commandment. In such cases, you can remind yourself of the saying of St. John of Kronstadt: “Love the sinner and hate the sin,” - sometimes it is paraphrased as follows: “Hate the sin, but not the sinner.”