The psychologist's advice in this article will help you take a more objective look at your situation, understand the possible cause, draw conclusions and change the situation.
We are all people, with our own habits, preferences, expectations, and naturally, no one can get into our heads and scan our thoughts and feelings towards anything or anyone.
And we, for our part, cannot get into someone else’s head and know for sure what is happening there, what is being thought, what is being felt?
And you know, that's good...
There is no magic word or phrase or action that will make another person behave the way we want and stop getting on our nerves. Well, the world is unfair, but I'm sure you already know that.
Let's analyze your situation a little, and the result of the analysis should show that you cannot change your husband's behavior to one that would suit you.
Surely, you have already done a lot to ensure that he does not irritate you and behaves in a certain way, as it would suit you.
What you could do:
- tell him what doesn't suit you. It’s just no use, he doesn’t hear you or doesn’t want to hear you.
- you were silent and offended. You thought that he would understand or guess that his behavior did not suit you. Unfortunately, he is not a psychic.
- you cursed and presented. But it got worse and worse.
- got angry and did it out of spite. Again it didn’t help, he didn’t change at all, and only you got worse.
All these actions indicate that you are assessing the situation incorrectly. You think that if your husband changes somehow, then you will be satisfied and happy. This is the whole problem.
Preamble
In fact, it is easier to prevent a quarrel with your husband than to think about how to survive this difficult conflict. Introduce one important rule into your family: under no circumstances should you involve relatives in disagreements or any mention of them. It’s hard to imagine a more serious cause of conflict than “but your mom is bothering us” or “your dad is lazy and worthless, just like you.”
How will you react if someone says something bad about your relatives, even if it is true? This is definitely a way to piss a person off. The main rule: parents are not chosen, they are not discussed. Take it to avoid a large number of quarrels.
Never involve children in conflict
Before you overcome a strong resentment towards your husband, it is important to understand how to prevent countless quarrels. Any conflict must be stopped immediately if a child appears on the doorstep. Think about his fragile psyche, so you should not involve him in solving your problems. If only because any unnecessary word said to each other can hurt the feelings of children and change their attitude towards their parents.
If you want to say something rude or unpleasant, mentally count to ten. Perhaps the desire to quarrel will disappear. Do not provoke your significant other into conflict. Who will benefit from this? One way or another, everyone will have their own opinion, so is it worth disturbing your partner’s emotional state?
Advice from psychologists
If you want to learn how to deal with grievances, read the advice of psychologists that you need to remember all the time:
- Remember your own dignity, do not allow resentment to settle in your thoughts.
- Resentment will bring nothing but negative emotions.
- Charge yourself with positive emotions.
- Relieve stress with your favorite activities.
- Communicate more with positive people.
- Voice all negative points.
Each person decides for himself whether to store up a grudge or immediately let it go. Agree with your subconscious to respond easily and quickly to the offender, without letting him into your thoughts.
No to vengeance!
Many women are desperate to find out how to take revenge on their husband for an insult. Never act out of spite on your spouse, even if he mortally offended you. Don't try to touch him where it hurts by bringing old quarrels or negative situations into the conversation. Perhaps, if you do not use rancor, your marriage will be saved, but as soon as hurtful words are uttered in response or a hurtful act is committed, then there will be very little chance of a good life together.
Never take revenge, and if you promised to forgive your husband, then do not remind them of the quarrels after a while.
Basic Rule
If you don’t know how to overcome resentment towards your husband, then use this advice. If the cause of the conflict was not the betrayal of the spouse, but only some incorrect actions and spoken words, then it is necessary to have a preventive conversation.
In most cases, partners in relationships are offended by rudeness that was spoken to them. Explain to your spouse what exactly hooked you.
There is a golden rule: if nothing helps you cope with the desire to quarrel, then do it, but only without humiliation and insults. Everyone swears, you can’t do without it. Each person has his own emotions, experiences, views on life. And even people who love each other can have hundreds of differences and differences of opinion.
What do constant grievances lead to?
In a strong, harmonious family there is no place for discord. Relationships are a constant work on yourself and your behavior. And amazing things happen. A woman falls in love with what she thinks is an ideal person. But then she constantly gets offended by the guy. There are always reasons. Although the man, in fact, is not to blame for anything. It was the girl who came up with the desired image for herself. Resentment, coupled with the desire to change a loved one, accumulates over the years. As a result, partners either endure destructive relationships or separate without being able to revive them.
The saddest thing is that touchy ladies also undermine their health. Anger and aggression cause an excess of adrenaline. This leads to disruption of the functioning of internal organs. How to stop being offended by your boyfriend or husband? Think about your physical condition and start radiating positive energy. Next I will present ready-made recipes.
How to survive a conflict?
Resentment towards your husband can destroy your marriage and relationships in general. But if after a quarrel there is a strong aftertaste, then look at your partner. Do you really want to continue living with this person under one roof, as one family? If the positive answer does not cause you any doubt, then you need to start working on restoring the relationship.
Why should grievances be rejoiced?
From a psychological point of view, resentment is a growth zone of the internal subconscious. A person is most often offended by the truth, this confirms that he accepts such criticism and agrees with it. If your husband said that you are overweight, and this makeup looks provocative, then being offended is a sign of agreement with him.
Women can regularly be offended by their husbands, but you need to understand what to do in this situation. First, determine for yourself whether you are ready to accept criticism, whether you can change in order not to quarrel. Disappointments help a person move forward, change for the better, and improve himself. Work on yourself, focus on those qualities of yours whose criticism offends you the most. You will soon notice that this will only benefit you.
Assault
Most women who are humiliated and insulted by their husbands do not want to end their marriage. But if a man once dared to raise his hand against his beloved during an ordinary quarrel, then there can be no talk of any restoration of the relationship. However, it is important to understand that the stronger sex is the same people as women, having emotions, feelings and a limit of patience. If a girl starts beating her man, provoking him to fight, then at that moment she turns from a spouse or girlfriend into a sparring partner. However, nothing will justify the guy who was able to return blow for blow. Even if the blame for the provocation lies entirely with the woman.
In this case, only an immediate interruption of the relationship can help to overcome the resentment towards the husband.
Incidents not deserving of forgiveness
You can easily forgive your husband’s minor sins, words spoken rashly, and absurd actions, but you cannot turn a blind eye to rudeness and insults addressed to you, since a girl must value and respect herself. Incidents that do not forgive:
- Assault. Psychologists say that if you hit once, you will hit again. A man, feeling his physical strength, understands that communicating his point of view to his wife is much easier than spending hours explaining the motives for his actions. But this is done mainly by mentally weak individuals who are unable to conduct a constructive dialogue. Beating his wife over and over again, he takes pleasure in her humiliation, using increasingly sophisticated torture.
- The husband abuses the children. He presents beating as an effective method of education, without which children will not grow up to be normal people. However, the mother is obliged to protect her children from all the offenders in the world, even if one of them is the natural father. If a woman is not indifferent to the fate of her children, then it is better to rid them of such a dad.
- Insults in public. A spouse who likes to tell friends the details of his intimate life, without mincing words, publicly criticizes, offends and calls him names, does not deserve the love of his half. A woman who has not lost her self-esteem should say goodbye to such a man.
READ
What to do if your husband constantly insults: advice from a psychologist and the causes of the problem
If a man knows how to admit his mistakes and does not forget to apologize, then it makes sense to try to save the family. But if the incident is repeated a second time, a third time, then you should immediately pack your things and leave your ungrateful spouse. He won't change.
Serious quarrel
After a conflict, you need to talk to your spouse - popular advice from psychologists. Resentment towards your husband will continue to torment you if you don’t dot all the i’s in time. Remember that this is not a simple domestic conflict, but a serious quarrel leading to the breakdown of a marriage.
If you understand that a man is really ready to listen to you and change, then conversation in this case will be the best medicine against resentment. But before you express your dissatisfaction with your partner, it is best to write them on a piece of paper and then read them several times.
This method allows you to “pour out your soul” and not be afraid that someone will find out the truth of your family life. It will become much easier for you once you express it on paper. Sometimes after reading what is written, quarrels and insults seem not so terrible and deadly. Sometimes girls simply burn the sheet of complaints and prefer not to talk to their husbands about this topic, forgetting and forgiving everything.
As a rule, grievances expressed to the husband may be unjustified and exaggerated. Therefore, before you go to sort things out, it is recommended to clearly know what your partner’s fault is—specific, and not far-fetched.
What to do in case of excessive touchiness
It is possible and necessary to fight resentment. In order not to be offended by trifles, you need to:
- Do some self-analysis. The girl needs to clearly indicate the reason for her offense. Then, mentally put yourself in the place of your spouse and understand the motives for his actions. Perhaps he has problems at work, his car broke down, he just had a bad day, and his wife is pestering him with ridiculous requests. Having considered the situation from all sides, it will be easier to cope with the offense.
- Learn to say: “Stop.” If a woman feels that she is overwhelmed by resentment towards her beloved husband, then she needs to exhale, say a safe word and turn her attention to other concerns.
- Develop the ability for introspection and analysis.
- Hear your partner, talk to him more often. It is recommended to start a tradition of evening tea, during which pressing issues will be discussed. A woman can calmly express her complaints without blaming her husband. And he, in turn, will explain the reasons that prompted him to do so.
- Learn to let go of grudges. You shouldn’t replay an annoying situation in your head. We need to forget it and prevent it from happening again.
If excessive touchiness goes beyond all limits, then the girl is recommended to visit an endocrinologist. Perhaps her behavior is due to hormonal imbalance. Or the reason lies in the woman’s pregnancy.
Go for reconciliation
“Yesterday I had a fight with my husband. He said a lot of nasty things to me, as did I to him. Now I am consumed by resentment towards my husband. What to do? Should we compromise, or should we wait for an apology from him?” - it is important to understand that not all women are ready to accept the situation as it really is.
Even if you imagine that your spouse really offended you, you need to give him time to think about the whole situation. Of course, resentment towards your husband can be much stronger than the ability to be patient and wait out a few hours or days.
To begin, let your spouse come first to apologize and repent. When he takes the first step towards reconciliation, never show him your character. Your husband found the strength to step on the neck of pride. Remember that only a strong person can forgive, so learn this ancient art.
It can be very difficult to step over your “I” - but one day you will realize how much easier it is to live without your pride and selfishness. Let the pronoun “we” be heard often in your family, and then the number of quarrels will decrease.
If your spouse did not dare to approach you first, but you want to make peace, then you will have to act independently - decisively and without hesitation. In most domestic quarrels, both are always to blame - one, because he could not control himself, and the other, because he is not able to escape the conflict and remain silent when necessary. Approach your husband and offer to have a serious conversation. Explain what offended and offended you in exchange for revelations on his part. Let your spouse tell you where you went wrong. When all the i's are dotted, it is necessary to make a general solution to the conflict.
Tolerance
When a wife has offended her husband, it is best for her to ask for forgiveness as soon as possible. There is no need to accumulate additional misunderstandings; there are already a lot of them throughout the entire time, more than enough. The more tolerant people are towards each other, the easier it will be for them to solve pressing problems. There is no escape from difficulties in family life.
However, there is a secret to how to be offended correctly. What does this mean? The point is not to take your dissatisfaction with your spouse into your heart. If the offense is slight and hangs in the air for one or two hours, nothing bad will happen.
Women of all ages often ask how to show my husband that his words offended me, touched me to the quick? You just need to be sincere. You should try to forgive and let go. And you shouldn’t hold a grudge against your ex-husband at all. If life paths have already diverged, there is no point in closing in resentment. How to forgive and let go? Just move on with your life. Make mistakes and move forward again.
What about betrayal?
It is extremely difficult, and sometimes impossible, to forgive betrayal. Cheating always entails, if not divorce, then cohabitation, but for the sake of children, a shared loan, a mortgage, or old parents who may not survive the breakup. In this case, many women wonder how to forgive their husband for insult and betrayal?
- Firstly, every girl wants to receive guarantees that her husband will never cheat on her again - neither physically nor mentally.
- Secondly, it is important to learn to trust your man. This advice applies to those women who agreed to forgive the betrayal, but for many months, or even years, they blame him for his mistake and send him back to work with pain and stress.
If you accepted your spouse and agreed never to remind them of the betrayal, then that’s the way it should be. If you cannot overcome your resentment towards your husband, then sooner or later you will become the culprit of divorce. And this despite the fact that once upon a time your spouse hurt you by cheating on you.
Imagine if you could live with this man under the same roof, knowing that one day he chose another woman instead of you? If it is difficult to get used to this idea, then it is better not to agree to restore the marriage. So you will think about only one thing - how to take revenge on your husband for the insult.
But cheating in return will not bring you satisfaction. On the contrary, you will begin to feel even worse - humiliated and low.
New behavior models are the path to success!
“...It was this week that I found out that my loved one was simultaneously dating another girl. There was a huge shock. A noticeable blow to my self-esteem, because... I was confident in his reciprocity and in my irresistibility :).
But, surprisingly, she somehow quickly pulled herself together, and even smiled, so she didn’t fall into depression. I made many useful conclusions, the main one: I did not know how to be valuable to a man. Will be studying.
By the way, I had the task of training only constructive criticism towards myself. I think I did it, although not without difficulty. After studying this week’s materials, I analyzed my strengths and weaknesses. I assessed what needs to be worked on...”
Anastasia.
Women love to use the well-worn models of typical losers. “He cheats - I suffer, I behave like a little offended girl, I blame him (and myself) for everything, I become depressed, and I become like a victim.”
What's the end result?
Low self-esteem, poor appearance, inner light disappears, and with it Charm and Attractiveness. This is the loser model.
But there is another model: Problems come - say “hello” to them! And then start solving them with redoubled force. And the energy that you previously spent on self-destruction will be spent on self-creation.
What result will you get?
There are fifty new gentlemen around you, and even the old one wants to return. You are on a horse and have the ability to control the situation. Your self-esteem grows, and along with it, your opportunities in life grow.
If you want to learn how to solve problems this way, join us for the course “DAO: The Woman’s Way”
and learn with us to look at the world from the perspective of an Adult, and build your life using behavioral models of successful people. For example, like this:
Learn to forgive
Not all women know how to deal with resentment towards their husband. Psychology, together with religion and philosophy, teaches people to forgive. Resentment after spoken words, quarrels or conflicts makes you vulnerable and weak. You waste precious time on meaningless showdowns, and then endlessly thinking about what was said or done during conflicts. Of course, if a quarrel escalates into a fight or moral violence, then it is best to cut such a person out of your life.
Domestic conflicts are easily resolved, especially if you understand that most of them are born out of financial difficulties, parental responsibilities, illness or high expectations. Marriage is where two people are willing to support each other and grow together. You can't let your pride, emotions, or lack of control over your temper ruin your relationship. Learn to forgive, even if for this you have to step over your “I”.
What should I do now with this irritation with my husband?
Exercise
You need to translate the unconscious into the conscious, so to speak, to bring into the white light all your attitudes, programs and beliefs about your family life.
Take a piece of paper and write down all your ideas about an ideal family life - what should a family be like, and what kind of relationship should it have between spouses?
On this piece of paper, for now you write only about your family, about your relationships.
For example, a family is friendly, in relationships: trust, mutual understanding, support, attention to each other, etc.
The next point, write your thoughts about what kind of wife should be?
- How does she run the house?
- How does he feel about himself?
- How does she feel about her husband?
Just write, whatever comes from your head, you don’t need to compare yourself and think, I don’t have this or I’m a bad housewife. Now is not the time to blame yourself and reproach yourself, just write down everything that is sitting in your head.
And the last point, what should a husband be like?
- What does he do around the house, what does he help with?
- How much money does he earn?
- How does he treat his wife, how does his love and care manifest itself?
Again, we don’t compare or blame, we just write our ideal version.
When you write, put your papers aside for a while, maybe a day, maybe two.
And after a short break, you will need to complete the next step.
Take each of the sheets of paper and think about how real these ideas of yours are?
Now that you know your husband well, you know what family everyday life consists of, and you know yourself much better than you did some time ago, based on this current knowledge, go through your old expectations.
Turn on your brains and think sensibly about what is written and expected, maybe in our relationship?
I am sure that 70 percent of your expectations and illusions about family life will never spoil your life again.
Watch the video “What to do if your husband is annoying and annoying?”
Don't get hung up
The resentment that sits inside you can become destructive, where one spark will lead to a huge explosion. Even if your husband insulted or humiliated you, said or did something very unpleasant, do not let your emotions take over.
Imagine a situation where you said a few words to your husband about the offense, he apologized, and the relationship returned to normal. But something deep down continues to torment and torment you, forcing you to return to that conflict situation every day. Soon these feelings will develop into something more, turning a self-confident woman into an obsessive and emotionally unbalanced person. Any trifle will be accompanied by quarrels and another “Do you remember what you said/did last time?”
How is it wrong to be offended by a man?
Resentment is the feeling that you have been unfairly harmed or hurt. The wrong kind of resentment internally affects a person negatively, upsets him and makes him feel inferior. Let's immediately figure out how not to offend a man:
- You can shut down and sulk for weeks and it won't do you any good;
- You may well inflate offense out of thin air, and you will look like a child;
- Or you will do everything too carefully, and the man will not learn his lesson.
Girls, you can be offended by anything. The main thing is to turn the insult into a benefit for the relationship.
A person can be offended by many things. But most often you can get hooked on the following:
- undeserved criticism, especially of his sexual characteristics;
- comparisons with others, especially if you are shown obvious advantages of other women;
- expressing negative comments about you, especially about hobbies, work, friends, relatives;
- devaluation of a woman and her capabilities;
- criticism of dependence and lack of independence;
- hints of unreliability;
In general, the cause of resentment can be any undeserved criticism or negative feedback about a person and activity.
You can always be gently offended by a man without resorting to mutual insults. Let's look at how to properly take offense at a man.
Where to get away from thoughts
The best way to cope with mental trauma is through work. And it doesn’t have to be a mediocre one, where you need to go 5 days a week. Work can mean any activity - hobbies, sports, travel and shopping.
Keep your mind and body occupied and distracted from your own overwhelming thoughts to regain confidence in your relationship and not dwell on resentments. By constantly thinking about negative things, you attract only negative events into your life.
Analyze how serious your grievances are. Will you be able to live with them in the future? Why did you decide to forgive your husband? Will you be able to accept his apology in the future? Have you embellished the situation? Do you want to be pitied after a quarrel? Do you have a habit of looking for those responsible for any conflicts?
Answering these questions can help you understand the importance and severity of your grievances. If you understand that the situation is not worth wasting your life energy, then should you remember and dwell on conflicts from the past?
Psychosomatics of resentment, is it possible to get sick from resentment?
Being offended, we become angry, become absent-minded and inattentive. The pulse quickens and the blood pressure rises. Anxiety leads to headaches, and high blood pressure can trigger a stroke. As you can see, it is quite possible to get sick from resentment.
Insomnia due to worries and anxiety also does not add to your health. As a result of a sleepless night, you can get injured at work due to fatigue, or even get hit by a car.
There is an opinion that unforgiven grievances lead to cancer. This fact has not received scientific confirmation. Psychologists have met people with feelings of resentment who have been diagnosed with cancer, but the coincidence is due to the prevalence of cancer and the lack of early diagnosis.
There are no perfect people
Every person has the right to make mistakes. You probably also once allowed your emotions to take over - you offended loved ones, caused them pain. Someone still holds a grudge against you, but the rest have forgiven and forgotten all long-standing grievances.
If your husband made a mistake, then give him the opportunity to make things right. Don’t present yourself as if you are the only person in the world who has been hurt or at least unpleasantly hurt. If all conflicts and quarrels are not systematic, however, like grievances, then allow your spouse to apologize, draw a conclusion, remove life experience from the situation and try to never repeat the same mistake again.
This rule should also be supported by women who, sooner or later, are capable of saying a few rude words or provoking a partner into a conflict. When you learn to forgive and forget all the negativity, you will ultimately become a more balanced, kind person, surrounded by people who are ready to accept apologies and not remind you of quarrels.
General views
When people look at life in the same direction, it becomes more interesting for them to spend time together. Common family values unite and help create trust and respect within a couple. When grievances are resolved in a timely manner, negative energy is not delayed and does not interfere with living happily.
Having common views on familiar things is extremely important for a person who has decided to build a strong family union. Of course, both spouses should take equal part in this matter. However, it so happened that a woman has to take more care of the well-being of the family, to ensure that the relationship does not fade over time, but develops. There is no need to constantly prove to your other half that she herself is to blame for everything, even if this is true. It should be remembered that responsibility lies on the shoulders of both spouses.
