Returning a man to the family after he leaves, what to do if he doesn’t want to

Hello, dear readers! Today we will discuss one of the fundamental, complex issues of relationships in a couple. We will talk about a painful breakup, when the feelings are too strong to simply forget and put an end to. Let's try to understand how to let a man go so that he comes back; the advice of a psychologist, by the way, will help better than the hackneyed Internet algorithm of throwing things away and crying for a week. Let's find advantages where it seemed they couldn't exist, let's finally learn to love ourselves, and not live for someone else.

Is it worth bringing the man back?

Girls often think: “I want to get my ex back. Then everything will be as good as before.” But it is not so. After the man returns, the relationship will no longer be the same. Even if everything ends well, the aftertaste of the separation will remain. Of course, there is a theoretical possibility of changing the behavior of both a man and a woman, but old habits will sooner or later return, ruining the relationship again.

Another reason not to return a man is codependency. This is not love, but a banal egoistic dependence on another person. Usually, if such a desire appears, this means that the girl herself is not self-sufficient and wants someone adult to take care of her. Typically, psychologically mature women do not want to return their previous man, although exceptions are possible. Relationships cannot be molded.

The returned man's ego will skyrocket. If before he had a crown on his head, because of which the relationship deteriorated, now it can become even larger. If there was no crown, it may appear. This will not have a positive effect on the quality of the relationship between a man and a woman after the girl manages to renew it.

If the man returned on his own, that’s also bad. After all, if the girl accepted him, he will consider that this can be done in the future. If the reason for the breakup was betrayal, he will continue to walk to the left, then return.

Popular mistakes, or pseudo-desire to return your husband

Instead of a preface, I want to consider the variations of psychological dependence, or, more simply, to ask you: are you sure that it is not your subconscious that is speaking?

Fear of being alone. It follows from the attitude “you need to get married” or “there should only be one husband.” This can be either a consequence of society’s stereotypes, pressure from relatives, or errors in upbringing. Some women stubbornly cling to their first partner (especially sexually). Another popular phrase is “who needs me with a child.”
Fear of losing status. For some reason, many women are frightened by the prospect of bearing the title of divorcee. To put it bluntly, this is synonymous with “loser.”

Such a base does not bode well, even if you manage to get your partner back.

Reasons for leaving

How to survive your husband's betrayal - advice from a psychologist after your partner cheats

If a man leaves, this does not always mean that he has stopped loving the girl. If you stop, there is always a specific reason. Here are some of them:

The man doesn't feel appreciated. Every person wants to feel important. If there is no reciprocity in a relationship, it will fall apart. It is necessary to support a man's goals and desires, but not contradict himself. We need to look for even the smallest positive elements in what a man does and focus on them. Over time they will intensify. To return such a man, you need to give him the opportunity to feel his importance.
The girl has changed or revealed her true nature. Both the man and the woman at the beginning of the relationship try to behave ideally, but after a while they stop doing this. This is human psychology. Most divorces occur because relationships have changed. It is necessary to constantly work on maintaining feelings. It sounds trivial, but almost no one does this. Also, don't forget about yourself.
The man feels that the woman is a burden. Moreover, objectively this may not be the case. He just has some complexes that cultivate this feeling in him. If there is even the slightest hint that this is true (even illusory), then the man can leave.
Relationships cause negative emotions. It is necessary to soberly consider all the reasons why there is negativity in a relationship. And it is advisable to start with yourself.
Conflicting goals and values. If the husband is thrifty and the wife is a spender (or vice versa, gender is not important), they will constantly have conflicts on this basis. Therefore, initially you need to look for a soul mate with similar values. Although you still won’t be able to guess completely.
The desire to change a man. The most common mistake girls make is that he is bad, but he can be corrected. It is impossible to correct habits that have developed over years and decades in one moment, and without the desire of a man.
Addiction. If a girl is not independent and constantly needs a man to solve her problems, he will simply get tired. It is important to remember that in most cases it is for this reason that girls want to get their boyfriend or husband back. If this is so, all attempts are doomed to failure, if not in the short term, then in the long term. In this case, you need to stop missing the man and start taking care of yourself, taking small but constant steps for your bright future. You need to find real strength after separation. This is the main condition for attractiveness.

Important! A man leaves when it seems to him that it is impossible to save his family or somehow resolve existing conflicts.

What can't you do to get your beloved man back?

The psychologist’s advice on how to get the guy you love back definitely won’t include the following points.

Panic

Love experiences deprive you of peace, but your composure is the most important condition for the successful completion of the mission to return your loved one. It is important to calm your emotions and not fall into hysterics, begging the man to return to the family. Every time you are overwhelmed by anxious thoughts about the prospect of being alone, perform a meditation for fear and panic:

Quiet, idle waiting often works wonders. Sometimes fleeting passion blinds, and a man, without understanding his feelings, leaves for another woman. And if the abandoned partner demonstrates patience and forbearance and endures this period with dignity, then the man regrets his decision and returns to the family. Sometimes a person needs to lose something to understand its true value.

The return of old feelings does not happen in one day. It takes a man time to realize that, in addition to the negativity, he has experienced many happy moments with you, misses you, and remembers what qualities of yours made him fall in love with you.

Stalker

An absolutely ineffective way to get your lover back is to attack him with SMS messages and calls asking for a date and declarations of feelings, and even more so to keep an eye on him. Men are hunters by nature and value only what they got with difficulty, and not what just comes into their hands. Do not deprive him of the role of a conqueror. It doesn’t matter that now he has lost interest in you. Make him think that after leaving, he will no longer be able to return to you at any time just on his own whim.

To activate your loved one, on the contrary, cut off contacts with him yourself. Stop being available 24 hours a day, waiting for his call and rushing to immediately answer a call or text message from your ex. In correspondence, maintain an emotionally upbeat tone and maintain an element of understatement.

For example, when saying goodbye, say: “Sorry, I can’t talk anymore - I’m getting ready for Saturday. We'll speak another time". Unobtrusively let him know that you now have your own life, your own interests, and he is not the only meaning of your life. This way you radically change the balance of power. Now he becomes a stalker and wants to find out what you are going to do on Saturday evening that is so important that you ignored him - your prince.

Appeal to conscience

Avoid loud showdowns, swearing, conversations about betrayed trust, broken vows. This will only make it easier for a man to decide to break up and find excuses for leaving. Give him the opportunity to be tormented by pangs of conscience on his own. Don't make this process easier for him with your scandalous behavior. Do not arrange a showdown with your mistress, if you have one - she has nothing to do with it. Your man allowed himself to be seduced.

The more noble and dignified you behave, the more morally difficult it will be for him to leave you. And as he scrolls through his head, remembering your breakup, he will become increasingly convinced that he rushed to break off a relationship with such an understanding and loving woman like you in vain.

Show excessive humility

Do not act as if you are ready to tolerate any actions of a man that insult your dignity. Don't be happy with any crumbs of his attention, allowing him to keep you in a state of uncertainty, then returning, then abandoning you again.

When compromising in a relationship to get your man back, remember: your concessions must be reasonable and justified. The desire to avoid loneliness by any means and regain the affection of your spouse leads to the fact that you have to constantly neglect your rights, needs, and dreams. This is real violence against one’s personality, which is usually not appreciated at all by men.

By focusing on your husband’s dissatisfaction, trying to reshape your personality in such a way as to please him, to keep him near you at any cost, you risk losing your Self. Moreover, by trying to please him at the expense of your own joy, you can create a situation where you yourself feel the need to break off the relationship.

Remember: they love not ideal people, they love based on the desire to love. And they leave everyone: ugly women and beauties, silly women and those with three higher educations, exemplary housewives and careerists, financially secure and unemployed, childless and mothers of their children. A woman can adapt to the criteria of her chosen one as much as she wants - there is no guarantee that this will help gain his love.

Get rid of the fear of being alone. And then your man will not risk giving you an ultimatum: “Either you do what I say, or you will be left alone sobbing into your pillow,” and will return to you as real. And if not, it will make room for a man to come into your life who will adore you with all your unique traits. Don't forget: the more you value yourself, the easier it will be for you to meet new love or return an old one.

Revenge

Understand yourself. What really upset you in this situation - the fact of the end of the relationship or the wounded pride of the abandoned woman? It may seem that we want our man back to give and receive love, but in reality it turns out that the reason is a thirst for revenge. To fall in love with yourself again, to cause emotional attachment, and then to be rejected in order to make you feel the same pain that you yourself experienced?

Will revenge change the fact that you were abandoned after all? Isn't it easier to deal with the feelings that arose about this than to waste your time and energy on revenge?

The roots of breakup pain usually go back to childhood as a result of a traumatic separation from a parent or other caregiver. Instead of gaining the experience of a strong, stable connection, the relationship was unreliable and unstable. Perhaps one of the parents died or left the family, or the child was simply often left to his own devices, without giving him due attention.

Later, in adulthood, there is a high risk of retraumatization (repeated trauma). The departure of a man on a subconscious level is perceived as the first traumatic situation, and is experienced with greater emotional intensity than it is worth.

The desire to preserve a relationship at any cost leads to a woman constantly neglecting personal boundaries and rights—her own or her partner’s. In the first case, she is ready to endure any humiliation, if only the man would return. In the second, he considers the man’s desire to end the relationship a personal insult and an unacceptable offense, a moral crime. There is a desire to teach a lesson, to punish the wicked.

Instead of trying to use revenge to get rid of mental pain, the culprit of which, as it turns out, is even the man who did not leave you, it is better to undergo sessions of psychotherapy and hypnosis and deal with the psychological trauma of the rejected person once and for all. To do this, you just need to write to a specialist about your problem, for example, Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

What to do if your husband leaves

The husband does not want intimacy with his wife - the causes of the problem and advice from a psychologist

The departure of a husband is a crisis situation. If it happens, first of all you need to normalize your emotional state. This can be done through autogenic training. It was practiced by Viktor Frankl while he was in a Nazi concentration camp and helped him and other prisoners use this situation to their advantage and become stronger.

A girl thinks about her departed husband

This training method was developed by Heinrich Schulz, who noticed that relaxation is accompanied by certain sensations, the beginnings of which you need to calmly focus on:

The heaviness of the body. When muscles are tense, people seem to be weightless. In fact, the body has weight, and when a person relaxes, he begins to feel it. Therefore, you first need to focus on the weight of the body.
Feeling of warmth.
Heart. Passive concentration on the calm, uniform pulsation of the body.
Breath. It must be conscious.
Feeling of warmth in the solar plexus.
Cool forehead.

If the body begins to seem heavy and warm, the heart beats quietly and calmly, breathing is smooth and occurs as if by itself, warmth is felt in the solar plexus area, and the forehead is cool, then the autogenic state has been achieved. In it, relaxation occurs much faster.

Possible result of attempts to return the husband

The next stage is an analysis of the reasons why the husband left and his prospects. It is necessary to clarify the following questions: why this happened, what good this situation can teach, and how to continue to live: is it worth returning your husband, how to do it. All this needs to be written down in detail on paper and you need to start acting according to the created plan.

The best way to understand how to get your beloved man back is to understand yourself and your mistakes.

He came back and then he left

The so-called vicious circle, when a man, in principle, does not want a relationship, he then disappears, but again wants to return everything. Moreover, his return usually occurs on a grand scale, with promises of eternal love, apologies on his knees, and flowers. And leaving can be either enchanting with a scandal, or quiet, without explanation. There can be several manifestations of such “love”:

Abusive relationships. A man gets high by inflicting pain; he needs a surge of emotions, which he feeds on like a vampire. In such a union there will be no chubby babies, no lavish wedding, just a repetition of pain and momentary joy. You need to not just let such a person go, but hope that he never returns. And it will disappear only when it does not find a response and recharge.
"Spare." In addition to inveterate abusers, there are also practical guys who leave an alternate airfield after breaking up. He met a new passion, but at the same time he is in no hurry to leave with all his socks. He can periodically write, call, and maybe drop by for the night. It is necessary to realize that love does not happen temporarily or on weekends. There is no need to wait for him to make up his mind, this is humiliating, he needs to be let go and forgotten.
Owner. Another specimen who, even after a breakup, needs to know that there is no replacement for him. He does not love, does not care, but at the same time he is jealous, scandalous, literally strangling with total control. This kind of behavior should not be confused with love, it has nothing in common. Even if at first such treatment may be flattering, over time you will want to howl at night from the lack of personal space.

How to get back the guy you left

Here are some tips to help you get your boyfriend back after a breakup:

Take a break. Before you take any actions, you need to calm down, conduct several sessions of autogenic training, and then act with a cool head.
Work on yourself. You need to improve your appearance and character as much as possible before returning your boyfriend.
When communicating with him, remind him how good it was before. Only he must think about it himself; he should not speak directly. It is important not to advertise to him that the girl wants him back.
Just communicate kindly. If you maintain a good relationship, the likelihood of it developing into something more again is much higher.

There is no single recipe. The best method is brainstorming. You need to take a piece of paper or open a file on your computer and write down the maximum number of ideas on how to get a particular guy back in the minimum amount of time. It is also necessary to write down such crazy ideas as “send him to Mars” or “take away all his money and return it only if he starts dating me again.” There is no need to implement them, but then the conscious barrier will break through, the brain will be tuned to a creative wave and it will be easier to come up with a practical idea to get the guy back.

Important! It is advisable to think about how to get your ex to come back on your own, but for this you need to prepare good ground. This is the girl's area of responsibility.

How to let a man go - in practice

Imagine energy ropes stretching from your body towards your loved one. Observe which zone they come from. These are probably the heart and sex centers (the heart area and the area below the navel). Pay attention to how powerful the flow of energy is from you to your chosen one. Make the decision to get all your energy back and start living your life to the fullest. And then imagine golden scissors with which you cut these energy ropes, no matter how thick they are. Do this practice several times. Thank the man for the lessons he taught and set him free. This freedom is vital for him now, just as it is for you.

You will learn how to use a break in a relationship for your benefit in our article “A pause in a relationship... This is the end” >>>

When to let go

First of all, when the relationship had been damaged for a long time before the separation. It is unlikely that anything can be done with them. Too much wood was broken. It is also not recommended to return your husband if this is done because the girl is dependent on him.

Important! You need to learn to be independent and solve problems, and not put them on someone else. If the husband was the only person who brought positive emotions, then it is important to remember: our feelings are inside us, and we can consciously manage them if we learn a little. Therefore, in such a situation, it is better to focus your actions on managing your emotions, rather than returning the man.

The man left and the girl is worried

If you let a man go so that he can come back, the girl will become more attractive precisely due to her independence. There is a high probability that in this case the wife will attract other male gazes.

Why does a man decide to leave?

Not every advice on how to return a husband to the family can help resolve a situation when a man is 100% sure of the correctness of the decision. The partner could have been thinking about this long before the divorce, trying to establish peace in the family, find the former peace, and return the former love. But not every woman could understand such actions, because not all men are able to discuss the problems that have arisen, dissatisfaction with their wife’s behavior, etc.

Sometimes a spouse can endure constant scandals for a long time, but one day pack their things and silently leave. Initially, you need to find the true cause of the discord, and not blame your soul mate for everything, because a family is a union for the well-being of which both spouses are responsible.

What not to do to return

In this difficult matter, the main principle is to do no harm. Therefore, under no circumstances should these mistakes be made:

Constant worry leading to the emergence of new complexes and despondency. They love happy people.
Throw hysterics and lament words like “I can’t live without you.” Addiction is bad. Even if at first it flatters and inflates the ego to exorbitant proportions, after a while a man with a crown will simply want to drive away the annoying fly.
Absentee insults. If the person to whom they complain about the man suddenly tells him, the chances of getting him back will disappear forever.
Excessive interest in a rival. We need to understand why they left for her, and what is missing in the girl who was abandoned, but not too obviously. She is a competitor, and intelligence about them must be hidden.

So what is next?..

There will be a lot of “goodies” after you truly let your man go. Firstly, your appetite will improve, you will have a passion for life, an interest in people and new things. Secondly, your eyes will sparkle and your sexual energy will return. Accordingly, men's interest in you will increase significantly. And thirdly, sensing that the flow of energy on your part has stopped, your loved one will soon appear again. Perhaps he will even immediately offer to start all over again.

It’s up to you to decide whether to dive headfirst into an old, painful relationship, or not to rush, or maybe build it in a new way. But remember that the most important value is not someone else, but you, your personal comfort and peace of mind.

This is the School of Gravity. We are here to make you happy and loved! See you at the online meeting >>>

Signs your husband wants to return

Each case is individual, so not all the signs described below may indicate that in a particular case the husband wants to return. Taken together, they can lead to certain thoughts:

Keeps calling.
Looks for a reason to meet, sometimes far-fetched.
Constantly offers help.
Trying to prove that he has changed.
Flirting.
He looks with admiration.
He tries to say something, but at the last moment he changes his mind.
And many other signs.

Motivation and first steps

I think the first part of the blog article has already made you move in the right direction, all that remains is to understand how to practically let go of the man you love, especially if he is not with you. According to media psychologist Labkovsky, this is an incorrectly posed question. It doesn't matter if you've been dumped or you, the action comes from the head. That is, the union physically ended, but the body was not prepared, so it breaks, it protests. Parting with a loved one is like depriving a drug addict of his dose. Therefore, you need to think not about how to forget Him, but how to overcome internal problems, sort out your head, and stop seeing a “dose” in another person.

At the same time, the psychologist notes that even the return of a loved one will not bring happiness, like a drug addict, and it will be both bad and good at the same time. As long as there is no self-love, there is no equal union, the partner will be a means of venting irritation with a hint of understanding that at any moment everything can end again. So you need not to cry over joint photographs, but to focus all your efforts on restoring your internal balance. Immediately after separation you must:

analyze mistakes, rethink, ideally learn to meditate;
prioritize yourself, your own feelings and emotions;
spend your free time working on yourself;
As a bonus, you can do something you’ve always only dreamed of.

Advice from psychologists

A few simple recommendations from psychologists:

You can make a wheel of life balance. It is necessary to analyze all areas of your life and think about how temporary failures on the personal front can be compensated for by successes in others.
It is important to have goals in other areas of life. Then the loss of a loved one will not be as traumatic as if he were the only reason for existence.

The girl managed to get her husband back

If you follow all the recommendations described above, you can increase the likelihood of the man returning, but no one can give a guarantee. There are too many variables, both depending on the girl herself and not. At first, it is advisable to keep him at a distance a little, grow personally, and then resume communication with him and his family. It is quite possible that this story will end with a happy ending.

How to “get out” of love?

Photo by John Diez: Pexels
If breaking up seems like an incredibly daring act, perhaps you haven’t yet reached the stage of accepting the obvious: what’s next is an impenetrable dead end. We can safely announce right away that you will be in unbearable pain for some time, achingly sad, hard and very lonely.

You will engage in an “audit” of what you have passed, grow a new army of complexes, and look for those to blame. It will inevitably seem like you've left all the good things behind, but trust us, that's not the case. It’s just that a certain vessel of love was filled with pleasant emotions, and then unknown forces took it and poured everything from it directly onto the sinful earth.

The “rejection” procedure can become painful at your own will, or it can also have mercy on someone who is ready to work on the consequences. We have answers to the question: why the process of division into “two shores” is so cruel and so sad. It’s up to you to decide which path you choose, but for now, listen to the observations of psychologists and those who have already experienced something similar, and there are millions of such people in this world:

the attacks of “offenses” will be the first to knock on your door, you will succumb to them, you will screw yourself up so that everything will be covered by the impenetrable darkness of fair and not so accusations, you will force yourself to think: we are all not sinless, let him go in peace, you will emerge from the pool of grievances without moral losses;
after the insults, a frisky “horse” with the “cargo of the owner” will gallop up: why should I give it to someone, mine, I won’t share it for anything, I will never meet such a worthy option again and this will immediately lead to the next stage - “worship of an idol” ";

How to let someone go?

do not idealize relationships that have groundlessly come to naught, warm memories are good and productive for the psyche, “the creation of an idol, God, Mr. “perfection” is a sign of incorrect thoughts and assessments, he is not the best example of a man in the world, there will always be those who can to surpass everyone, he is a different individual, unlike anyone else, and let’s stop the admiration there;

after the first 3 stages of “leaving love”, the desire invariably appears - to live from now on only what has already come true and happened, not to strive for new acquaintances and contacts, in my head there is a host of exciting thoughts: now I am a single woman, no one is looking for me and won’t look, my destiny is memories, tears, vigils over photos, detective surveillance on social networks in order to find out: how does my beloved live without me now.

Throw away all these wrong paths. One dead end situation has already happened in your life, but the future, take our word for it, has prepared a lot of wonderful things and discoveries for you. Look how generously the gentle summer sun warms the earth, how beautiful the sunsets are that are visible from your balcony, how tempting is the offer of friends to go on a country outing to a wonderful lake, where the surrounding landscapes are sure to heal the soul.

What can you do for yourself

To counteract annoying obstacles, use tactics such as:

all-consuming self-love, spend time in beauty salons, spa complexes, massages, shopping malls and you can’t afford it, take a dozen wonderful books from the library, go to a free exhibition, hang out at home in front of the TV with a cup of your favorite coffee and a box pie;
“You can’t be alone with yourself,” think about your childhood friends whom you haven’t visited for a long time, help your parents make strawberry and apricot jam at the dacha, and finally take your pet to the park of his dreams, where he can run around like crazy “ demon" along the alleys and scare passers-by with joyful barking;

Photo by Alena Darmel: Pexels

renew your craving for abandoned hobbies, any excuse for a change of scenery will do: return to knitting, drawings, Instagram posts on philosophical topics, English courses, design, or whatever you once really liked.

You will not begin to feel changes in yourself right away, be patient, we are sure that one fine day you will wake up with the thought: I am closing this page in my life without pain and tragedy. I’ll take all the good things with me, all the negativity I’ll crumple up and throw out even from my memories. Be happy, my former beloved, but no longer with me!

Mistakes you shouldn't make after breaking up with your boyfriend

Women are very emotional creatures. And in the heat of the moment they can do a lot of things. As a rule, in stressful situations the mental activity of the brain is switched off.

There is nothing you can do to hold a man back, neither with children, nor with youth, nor with “stomach”, nor with blackmail, nor with hysterics. He stays with the woman he wants to live with.

Therefore, NEVER DO this:

do not humiliate yourself and do not beg him to return;
there is no need to threaten, insult, frighten with physical violence, or humiliate;
agree to be a litter i.e. for intimate meetings without obligations;
attempts to appease with gifts, bribery;
blackmail;
obsession.

Situations when you need to return your departed husband

Having lived for many years in love and happiness, wives do not just worry if their husband abandoned them and are looking for a way to restore the relationship. If a family is destroyed, it is usually, first of all, worse for the wife. Most often, she has small children in her arms, a difficult financial situation, and she needs moral and material support. Therefore, a woman left alone has two options - to seek consolation on the side or to return the love of her departed husband. But if a woman believes that she cannot live without a spouse, then first she must make sure that her desire is real.

Basically, they try to restore the family in the following cases:

the spouses have children who need the care of their father;
the wife is afraid that no one will need her anymore and will be left alone;
a woman is unable to earn money for herself and her children;
relatives reacted negatively to the situation;
the wife does not understand what is happening.

When a separation creates inconvenience for your wife and children, it is better to find a way to restore your relationship with the man you love. You can take advice from psychologists on how to do this.

It is worth noting that if a woman really does not want to return her husband, then these reasons cannot be considered convincing. The husband left her, but did not leave the children, and their relationship is unlikely to change if the wife does not interfere with their communication. And the fear of loneliness is most often not a reason to return a person if he cheated, offended his wife, or otherwise made her life uncomfortable.