Dad died - how to survive the death of a father: what to do, how to live after his death, how to cope with the loss, accept and come to terms. Advice from psychologists and priests on how to cope with the loss of a father

The death of a loved one is a difficult test that can befall anyone. No matter how strong a person is, the loss of a loved one is a powerful psychological blow that must be met with humility, because nothing can be changed. Tragedy puts obsessive thoughts into your head: “How to survive the death of a loved one? How to continue to exist without him? And most importantly, why?”

Against the backdrop of deep emotions, depression, neuroses, and phobias often arise. A bereaved person often drives himself into a corner, from which only competent psychologists can help him get out - people take the death of a wife or husband so hard.

We are all born and die, but as long as we are alive, it seems that our parents, spouses, children, friends, and acquaintances will always be with us. We naively believe that our loved ones are eternal. But death is merciless and sooner or later it takes each of us to itself. This is a given from God, just like life. The more clearly we understand this, the easier it becomes to cope with the loss.

Dad died, how to survive the death of dad

The death of a loved one unsettles you. If under normal conditions a person copes relatively well with controlling feelings, then the death of a beloved relative interferes with this. The level of pain is so great that all sensations are heightened. Feelings can be compared to exposed wires, when the slightest touch intensifies emotions. A person turns out to be unprepared for this: difficult scenes unfold around him (farewell to the deceased, a coffin, a wake), in addition, one must also try to understand what is happening in one’s own soul.

Psychologists have identified several stages of grief that will help you understand your feelings in order to live them correctly:

1 DENIAL, SHOCK: having heard the news, a person does not believe in what is happening, cannot accept what happened, when he closes himself off from information, this is a way of protecting himself from pain, so one should not try to convey the terrible news of death by any means, because forced overcoming of such a barrier can end in failure (stress, mental disorders, severe depression, suicide);

2 ANGER, RESULT – negative feelings also need to be experienced, often they help to accept pain, because negative emotions partially give vent to grief, for this reason others should show understanding, if possible you need to be there, despite aggression, because this feeling comes from pain, and not from true resentment, the grieving person must live out anger towards the deceased himself, for this he can talk to the deceased;

3 BARGAINING WITH THE UNIVERSE, GOD: attempts are made to get what you want in exchange for return (actions, feelings), of course, the result cannot be obtained, the sooner this awareness arises, the faster the person moves to the next stage;

4 DESPAIR is a natural consequence of devastation, loss of hope, at this stage the grieving person can choose one of the paths (depression or continuation of life), often people unconsciously choose the first option, because it does not require struggle, on the contrary, it is enough to just go deeper into their pain , negative feelings, at this stage the support of loved ones is very important, even a silent presence;

5 “RECOVERY”, HUMILITY, THE BEGINNING OF A NEW PATH – the last stage that comes after difficult days of grief, and a person does not always immediately feel relief; usually the beginning of the path lies at the point where the decision is made to let go of pain, difficult emotions, and begin to live on.

Father's advice: how to accept the passing of a loved one

A simple comparison of the torment and pain of a deeply religious person and a person whose soul is empty (it simply cannot be empty, which means it is filled with worldly passions and temptations) will show the high degree of despair of the latter. Modern culture has erased the terrible topic of death from the everyday arsenal of life. Completely in vain. Alas: again we have to remind you of the obvious truth: this is impossible. The departure to the afterlife is inevitable, inevitable.

Previously, artists, musicians, and writers did not avoid the terrible topic. On the contrary, they sought to understand, realize, and accept the inevitability of the cessation of worldly existence. They tried to give some kind of hope, an understanding of eternity, and thereby protected people from severe mental trauma in moments of despair and grief. This helped to accept the inevitable and go through all the stages of a loved one’s departure with wisdom and fortitude. Deep spiritual knowledge is a reliable shield in difficult times.

If trouble happens in the house, we go to the temple, to God, to ask for mercy and the protection of heavenly powers. We want the Almighty to intercede for us, help us, take away torment and suffering, and make it easier to survive the death of a loved one. We naively believe that with a single act we can change the current world order. One such act is not enough. Although, if this movement of the soul becomes the first step towards deep and comprehensive faith, the worldview will change. The road to a new understanding of things, to finding other – eternal values – will be open.

Today's science makes timid attempts to study pre-death and post-death experiences. Books are published, experiments are conducted. Advances in medicine make it possible to bring a person out of a state of clinical death. The body is repeatedly weighed during the process of biological death. Scientists are trying to measure the soul with grams. Hypotheses, doubts, refutations do not dispel doubts and leave eternal problems unresolved. A person wants something completely different: a simple, deep, everything-explaining faith.

He begins to open his soul to God. Searches and gradually finds answers to questions that arise.

What helps us survive the death of a loved one, first of all, is the realization that we are not the owners of the reality around us. She's not ours. We are temporary guests here. Everything will have to be given away. It is necessary to learn to part calmly, to develop the skills of a correct attitude towards loss.
A person is not an iron rock and has the right to feelings. Sometimes, unbearably difficult. If you need to cry, sob, howl, fight hysterically, break, smash, destroy (up to certain limits, of course), then you don’t need to interfere with him. The sacred life right of everyone brought into the world by a father and mother is to suffer, to suffer, to experience pain. You must go through this in order to then become much stronger and calmer. Necessary mourning rituals existed in every culture. Our social environment is no exception.
Endless sorrow and despair is a great sin. So is suicide. God gave man life in order to go through a series of difficult, difficult trials, and find true Faith. It won't work any other way. You shouldn’t look back at false morality and look for other people’s recipes. Through life, a person follows his own path, the path given to him personally. But it doesn’t hurt to look at others. They also went through this, which means we can do it too.
For a believer there is an afterlife, a miracle of resurrection. “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living.” The very concept of death in Orthodoxy is only a temporary process of transition to a better world. Best! Then why grieve? Everything is different there, incomparably better. However, such a fate must be earned by living a righteous life.
Often, a grieving person is consoled by the thought that a relative or loved one who died untimely sees everything and wants us to be happy. It is unpleasant for him to see us in inconsolable grief. The time will come: we will all meet and rise in God.
And finally, the insidious question: “Imagine if we had eternal life on Earth? Wouldn't people be mired in sin? Wouldn’t you give your souls to the Devil?” The man is weak. One day he transgressed God's providence. As a result, he received death as torment and redemption. But God is merciful. He gave his son Jesus Christ to be crucified, opening the way for people. There is a direct path to happiness. It is difficult, but righteous. You won't be able to deceive or cheat.

Father's death: how to cope with the loss

Children at any age can have a hard time dealing with the death of their parents. But at different times, the reaction to death among those around us is equally illogical. In childhood, it is generally accepted that the child does not understand anything yet and is not capable of feeling deep sorrow, but adult children can cope with their troubles themselves.

In fact, support, and at the same time the help of loved ones, is always required in such cases.

It is necessary to show understanding and make it clear that a person can seek help at any time. But it is impossible to help someone who does not want to get out of a difficult situation. For this reason, the grieving person should also make attempts to alleviate his condition.

Don't rush to throw away sadness

People around them often do not know how to behave around a person who has lost his father. Many people prefer to distance themselves. Seeing this awkwardness, there is a desire to hide your feelings from everyone. But you shouldn’t do this, you need to realize what happened in order to cry and accept the pain. Only by living your feelings can you help yourself get rid of a difficult emotional state. Grieving is a natural process. At the same time, no one limits the period of grief - each person has his own deadlines.

Remember that the deceased parent would have wanted you to continue living

If dad dies, it’s hard for many people to get over it. The closer the relationship was during life, the more difficult it is to cope with grief. Depression, apathy, and lack of desire to live are a common reaction to a painful situation. Sometimes the support of others is not enough, because they will not be able to fill the emptiness in the soul or replace the deceased. In this case, it is important to remember that dad loved his children/daughter, son. The idea should be fixed in the mind that the father would want a happy life for his child. This will allow you to survive difficult times when depression pushes you to the edge of the abyss.

Keep a deceased parent in memory

A person experiencing severe pain can choose several paths to freedom from it. Different people try to help themselves in their own way: some rush to the center of pain and memory of the deceased, cannot give up the memories, others, on the contrary, go as far as possible from events and things associated with the deceased. The first option is more preferable if you control your moral state, because a person lives through his pain. The second option (refusing the memory of the deceased) postpones this moment, the period of grief is prolonged.

It is necessary to try to preserve in memory the image of the deceased, the joyful events associated with him. Over time, memories with a negative load will be erased on their own. But all good things can also gradually disappear from memory if you do not preserve images, voices, and smells. To do this, you can keep a few things, a photo of your father smiling, and talk more with your loved ones about him.

Pay more attention to yourself

Losing a father is a great grief, especially for a child who had a strong connection, a very close relationship with him. The grieving person may fall out of life for a while, stop leaving the house, communicating with people, and even performing hygiene procedures. This is a reaction to drastic changes in life: there will no longer be an opportunity to see a person, talk, touch. But it is important not to linger at this stage, otherwise it will be more difficult to return to life later.

You should pay a little more attention to yourself every day. At first it will be a matter of minutes - to brush your teeth, then - to take a shower, have a cup of tea/coffee, read the news, and after that you can go outside, return to work, study, or do what you love.

Find out what's causing you to feel sad

When the grieving person returns to life after the loss of the death of his father, the state may remain depressed for a long time. Even if it seems that there are no problems left, the grief has been experienced, the pain has been accepted, there is still something that prevents you from fully enjoying yourself. This may be apathy, frequent fatigue, poor sleep in the absence of external health problems.

In psychology, this relationship has a specific term. We are talking about psychosomatics, when moral depression, resentment, hidden anger affects the physical state. It is necessary to find the cause, analyze what causes negative emotions, and work through the problem yourself through forgiveness or with the help of a specialist.

Don't Focus on the Five Stages of Grief

A person who has experienced a strong shock may clutch at straws in order not to lose touch with reality, not to lose himself during a difficult period. Accepting all feelings can help with this. Experts have identified several stages of grief, which most people go through at different times. But it is important to remember that each person is individual. Someone experiences negative feelings unnoticed, then it seems as if such stages have not been completed. Others go through not only the main, but also secondary stages of grief, so it is important to take into account your character, the feelings that a person lives: resentment, anger, hatred, guilt.

Don't make quick, rash decisions

The loss of a father for a son or daughter is a great grief; it is difficult to live with on your own; you should share this burden with someone close to you. Relatives or friends should, if possible, take on some of the responsibilities. This need is due to the fact that sadness, grief, pain, like other feelings when losing a dad, are not a very suitable basis for making decisions.

In such a state, a person’s mind may become slightly clouded, heavy emotions make it difficult to concentrate on one thing, attentiveness is close to zero, thoughts quickly replace each other, and it is difficult to concentrate. As a result, many wrong decisions will be made.

When to ask for help

Anytime. We are not talking about solving purely material, everyday, organizational difficulties in terms of funerals and creating acceptable living conditions for people who have lost their breadwinners. Hoping for help from public institutions, loved ones and relatives.

We are talking about helping those who are unable to overcome loss and need psychological support. No need to delay. Don't wait until the pain becomes unbearable. The sooner someone in need asks for help, the easier it will be to provide it.

It is difficult to pull a person who is deeply withdrawn into himself out of a dejected state. It’s much easier to prevent yourself from “falling into a deep hole.” In difficult times, be sure to go to people. Only they can provide assistance in difficult times. To relatives, friends, loved ones, acquaintances.

If necessary, then to church, or to psychologists. It depends on your luck. There is no clear certainty that you will immediately find the right comforter. A person who will understand, help, and advise. Will be able to listen and understand. But you need to look. Definitely and constantly. There is no point in expecting that everything will go painlessly, without deep emotional trauma. Not everyone can cope with the pain of loss. And we, those around us, must consider it our direct duty to provide assistance and support a member of society in difficult times. The time will come - we will need it too.

Support

Experiences after the death of my father do not allow me to continue to live normally, and in solitude all feelings become aggravated, because there are no distractions that prevent me from feeling them to the fullest. If the grieving person is very weak and cannot cope, he may also die after his father. For this reason, you need to do everything possible to help your loved one get out of a difficult mental state.

Talk to a close friend

The father does not always play a secondary role (it is generally accepted that the mother has a stronger connection with the child). The opposite situation also happens, when the father performs maternal functions to a greater extent. In this case, it will be very difficult for the child to lose it.

At any age, he will need a friend, and this function is not always performed by blood relatives. It happens that the connection with them is not very strong or there is no mutual understanding, then it is necessary to find a person outside the family circle, but close enough to be able to talk about your experiences.

This is especially important for a teenager, because at this age it is more difficult to find understanding from others.

Talk to one of your relatives

Relatives do not always cope with emotions after the death of the father of the family. The child's psyche is especially susceptible to external influences. During this period, it is necessary to find among your loved ones a person who will support, but not condemn, not criticize for the way you experience grief (tears, refusal to leave the house).

See a Psychotherapist

No matter how actively relatives try to support a child who has lost his dad, or an adult who has lost his father, sometimes there comes a time when emotions get out of control. At the same time, a quiet, submissive person turns into an aggressor, and a more active one is in deep apathy. Other signs that allow you to understand that a man or woman whose father has died needs the help of a psychotherapist:

nightmares at night;
conversations about suicide;
suicide attempts;
fixation on certain thoughts and actions;
forgetfulness;
mental disorder.

Read forums dedicated to this issue and talk to people there

Today, quite a lot of information is available in consolidated access, on various topics, including psychology. There are also forums where people from different cities and countries gather to discuss the problem of the loss of a dad or another close relative. You can write asking for support and briefly describe the current situation. On the forums there are those who came for the first time, but there are also experienced ones - those who managed to live like this. They can share secrets about how they managed to survive the death of their beloved dad.

Find Solace in Faith

It will be easier for Orthodox Christians and believers of other faiths to cope with the death of their father. At the same time, a person turns to God, asks him for strength to survive trials, and takes them for granted. It’s more difficult for agnostics and atheists, because they look for the cause of a person’s death in other aspects: the people around them, themselves, the structure of society. It is necessary to visit the temple, light a candle for the repose of a loved one

. You can talk with a clergyman, ask for support and help.

Get a pet

When a person loses his father, but there is no family yet, he will need a living being nearby if the person lives alone. This will allow you to feel warmth and show concern for your neighbor. Giving energy during the period of grief is just as necessary as accepting all the feelings experienced. This will allow the soul to revive after a severe shock.

With death, life ends, but communication is not interrupted

It's not easy to be separated from those we love. Under any circumstances, the loss of a loved one is a great grief.

Amy Green, M.D., M.D., director of the Center for Spiritual Care at the Cleveland Clinic (USA), notes that with death, life ends, but communication does not end.

Adapting to a new reality takes time and is unpredictable. Grief is a unique process, just as every grieving person is unique.

At times, emotions are hidden behind a feeling of detachment. And sometimes you feel that everything inside you is shrinking. It also happens that you have a desire to smash into pieces everything that surrounds you. Other times you may feel something like peace.

That's why, as Dr. Amy Greene notes, it's important to be patient. Everyone has their own unique way of coping with bereavement.

Often people who are close to you do not understand what grief is and what it means to grieve. They may advise you to get busy. But often this simply postpones the emotional experiences that we all must go through.

We live in a culture in which a person is expected to quickly deal with grief, as if it were one of the obstacles in his life's journey. We just want to rise above it. But the truth is, says Amy Greene, that it's normal for anyone grieving to feel for long periods of time as if their whole world has turned upside down.

Be patient with the people around you who have good intentions but sometimes do not understand how the grieving person truly feels. It is difficult for the average person who has not been trained in how to help people through grief to understand that grief is a multi-step process. After all, mental and spiritual work, which psychologists call the work of sadness, unfolds gradually and in stages.

Back to life

When the period of mourning for the father is officially over, the funeral is long past, in time the sons and daughters must be brought back to life. To do this, you need to change quite a lot of things in your life and perception. Help can be provided both by the people around you and by those grieving themselves.

Change your routine

After the death of dad, life is divided into “before” and “after”. When grief subsides, a person will be able to return to business, but most often this cannot be done under the same conditions. It is necessary to change the environment around, if the children lived with their dad in the same apartment or private house, and at the same time create a new daily routine.

Do things you've always enjoyed

You can try yourself in a new role, try yourself in other activities. This will allow you to fill your life with bright emotions, find a hobby or start a business that the children of a deceased father have long dreamed of. A change of environment, as well as new emotions, will speed up the recovery from a difficult emotional state. But such advice will only help if the grieving process ended naturally, the children of the deceased father accepted all the feelings and lived through the pain.

Quit drinking alcohol for a while

It is often more difficult to stop drinking alcohol amid grief if there is something left unprocessed after the death of the father. This may be guilt for what was said (“I wish my father dead”) or done (quarrel, disrespect). Also the cause is resentment for something the dad did during his lifetime.

Such emotions will slowly destroy a person. You need to understand how to forgive your deceased father, let go of anger, understand that the past is gone.

Keep yourself busy

A lot of free time opens up many opportunities for reflection, reminiscing, and grieving. But endless delving into the source of pain has negative aspects - the consequences are unknown: depression, unwillingness to live, apathy, etc. are possible. If the father has died, it is permissible to experience deep grief, but only at the first stage, when this process drags on for many months, years, this is a sign of depression, a complicated psychological condition. An activity you enjoy speeds up the process of dealing with grief, because it provides a more reliable support than anything else, and also distracts and gives positive emotions.

Do quiet things - this is very important

The state of the nervous system worsens with every stress. When the family cared for the dying father, and then buried him, they tried to survive the grief, their nerves were shaken. Some of your loved ones break down and get easily irritated, others get upset, cry for any reason, others fall into depression, apathy - all these manifestations intensify as soon as an even more significant load is placed on the nervous system. This means that it is important to remain calm when doing any work or communicating with people.

Don't rush yourself

Relief when experiencing intense grief does not come immediately. Moreover, the speed of recovery after the loss of a loved one depends on various factors: relationships with the deceased, cause of death, family ties. This means that you should not rely on standard deadlines, which are often specified by psychologists. When your dad dies, you can grieve, but you don’t need to delve into these feelings without the support of your loved ones, because it will be more difficult to return to life on your own.

Pleasant memories and words are important for the deceased

When a person dies, his soul is on earth for the first time, and then finds itself in another world, but it does not stop watching its loved ones, helping them, and supporting them. The living on earth often commemorate the dead; this could be enough. However, the priest can advise the husband or wife and their children to remember the deceased more often, and not to speak badly about him.

Period of reflection

Understanding of what happened can occur both soon after the funeral and several months after the death of a loved one. You can talk about comprehension at the initial stage or after a long time, years - it all depends on the grieving person. You should not try to speed up or slow down this process, it should develop naturally. As a result, after cremation and burial of the remains, a person realizes that he has lost his dad, although it will take 1-2 years or more.

Continue your father's work

In order to feel close to the deceased, to calm your grieving heart at least for a while, you need to find something to do that was common with him during his lifetime. This could be fishing, professional activity, etc. Deeds for the good of society will allow you to give energy: care, love. Then the memory of the person who died ahead of schedule will be preserved until the contract is broken.

Guilt

Regardless of what the relationship was with dad, whether family members lived far from each other or close, because of which he died and other factors, a feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. This is how our subconscious tries to explain what happened. My thoughts pop up: “if I had persuaded him to go to the doctor...”, “if we hadn’t quarreled then...”, etc. It's part of the reaction to loss that you can't come to terms with. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.

Guilt is a symptom that appears regardless of circumstances.

We must remember that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step.
To miss something imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and failing to foresee anything are two different things. It is clear that no one had any desire to harm his father. Therefore, there is no need to consider yourself guilty of his death.

Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone’s guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, during a conversation it is worth gently clarifying what the family member thinks about this. The main thing is to refrain from making accusations.

The purpose of the conversation is not to find someone to blame, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation cannot be avoided, you need to choose your words very carefully. And you shouldn’t be surprised when you hear counter questions - most likely, thoughts about someone’s guilt arise in all family members.

In addition to guilt, there may be a feeling of missed opportunities. So much has not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This doesn't mean Dad wasn't loved enough. This means that all people are not ideal, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.

How to write when dad died

If one of your loved ones received the sad news of death earlier (for example, a son or daughter), it is necessary to inform other relatives about this. To do this, consider the following options:

by telegram - contains a short message;
email – used only between colleagues, for professional purposes – to express condolences to the boss;
through SMS messages, various instant messengers, which is the least suitable option, since the text is perceived detachedly;
by phone - this option is suitable for those who cannot come, there are no other communication options (in remote regions, in case of bad weather).

The message is written using predominantly soft words and phrases with positive connotations. It is advisable to prepare the deceased - to come “from afar”, there is no need to immediately write the cause of death.

Death as a terrible physiological and psychological process

According to research, death does not occur immediately. Many processes occur in the body, which are accompanied by alternate failure of various systems. This is how dying manifests itself - a special term that more accurately describes death. This means that the death of a person does not occur instantly. But the external manifestations of life are completely absent. However, new information does not give hope to the relatives of the deceased person. They begin to grieve as soon as they stop breathing and their heart stops.

Religion that describes the peculiarities of the soul’s journey can give hope for the continuation of life. The incorruptible shell remains next to the body until the funeral, and after that it can become a guardian angel for a loved one. But in moments of intense grief, even this does not bring relief, because people more often perceive life through material rather than spiritual aspects. After death, a difficult period of experiencing pain begins.

It’s scary to find yourself “face to face” with it, so wrong steps are taken to heal the soul: people avoid suffering, replace it with entertainment and communication. You need to look for answers to questions within yourself.

According to the canons of the Orthodox religion, a person needs to accept difficult trials, since they are often given to overcome the imperfections of the soul, as retribution for sins. In any case, you cannot blaspheme God, you need to accept what happened and pray about it. You should go to church more often, here the pain dulls, the need arises to cry, to talk about your feelings. This can be done by contacting a clergyman, having a conversation, asking questions.

How to cope with the death of your father from cancer?

Expert opinion

Lavrova Tatyana

Rehabilitation specialist, psychologist

When a person is sick for a long time, relatives still do not have time to prepare for his death or accept it. Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky advises not to rush to get out of the state of grief. You need to give yourself time, you should not speed up the natural process. When a person accepts pain and experiences other feelings, he must remember that it is not his fault. Moreover, the body is mortal, it is impossible to stop its destruction.

What can't you do?

“My dad died. “I won’t be able to live as before,” this is what most children think in the first time after the tragedy and go to great lengths. Rethinking the situation and coming to terms with what happened comes much later, but before that moment you can make a mess. What not to do if your dad dies:

Distance yourself from the world. We all need to be hermits sometimes. But when loneliness becomes not a means of calm, but a habit, it can become dangerous. If you withdraw from the outside world, you will begin to engage in self-criticism, your worries about the death of your dad will turn into obsessive thoughts. And all this together can lead to serious consequences. There is a high probability that you will miss your happiness in your personal life or gradually go crazy.
Abuse alcohol. Dousing your melancholy with strong drinks will not solve the problem, you will not revive your dad, and you will not become a callous person indifferent to the death of your loved ones. Alcohol, of course, will help you forget for a short time. But the effect is so short-lived, and the melancholy that comes after sobering up is so strong that there is simply no point in drinking alcohol after the death of dad. In addition, there is a high risk of starting to drink on a regular basis in order to deafen your brain again and again and not feel mental pain. Alcoholism clings to people who have had misfortune, and in a depressed state it becomes very difficult to get rid of the addiction.
Refuse food and sleep. Many grieving children, after the death of their parents, refuse to eat and get little rest. Such actions are bad for health and can lead to various diseases, both physical and mental. Lack of appetite is not a reason to completely refuse food. Eat small portions of what you enjoy most. Follow a daily routine and try to get enough sleep. Take medications, if necessary, to improve sleep quality, after consulting with your doctor.
Live by memories. Of course, you have something to remember from the period of time when your father was alive. Childhood, fun family holidays, wise advice - all this is wonderful, but life goes on, despite the death of dad. You are here, in the present, and not in the past, which can no longer be returned. You won’t be able to help but remember your father, but don’t get hung up on these thoughts either. Try to think about how you will live in the future, look for motivation, new hobbies and ideas, look for your meaning in life, even if you have to look at the tragedy from a different angle.
Blame yourself. “My beloved dad died, and I am to blame” - such thoughts probably slipped through the minds of most grieving children. You can argue as much as you like about what you could have done and what you could not have done in this situation, but everything happened the way it happened. This is how fate happened, and the likelihood that it is you who are to blame for the death of your beloved father is negligible. Give up self-flagellation and mentally ask your dad for forgiveness for everything, if your soul requires it. Don't take responsibility for something you couldn't change.

The death of your own father cannot pass without a trace, but even this tragedy should not break you. Be strong, calm down and come to terms with what happened. A little more time will pass, and your mental pain will turn into bright thoughts and memories of your beloved father.

First person stories

My husband died, my child was left without a father. He was 7 years old, a fairly grown-up son, but at the same time still so small. I told him to cry if he wanted, to talk to me when the need arises. And I also showed by example how I cope: I cried, but I could smile when I saw something sweet and beautiful. Yulia Menshova once said the same thing: you can grieve greatly in your soul, but outwardly remain relatively calm.

Alina Kuraeva

Zhanna Rybina

When the guy’s father died, I was there: I did household chores, because he couldn’t, and I helped at the funeral. We talked little, but stayed close and spent a lot of time together. I saw that this made my young man feel better.

After the death of her husband, she told her son that your daddy sees you from heaven and will not leave you, even if we can no longer see him among the living. The child took these words as an adult, I saw that he latched on to this thought, believed in it so that no one could take this faith away from him. And I myself also felt the presence of my husband, as if he had never left, but was still with us.

Svetlana Zhabina

Stages of bereavement

At different times, psychologists J. William Warden and Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified several main stages of living through a painful situation. They are similar to each other, but were originally designated under different conditions. Thus, J. William Worden identified the stages of grief for grieving relatives, while Elisabeth Kübler-Ross named the stages of grief for people faced with an incurable illness. But in both cases, the result can be the same, in addition, a person can get out of such states by taking the listed rules as a basis.

Shock

The first reaction is to withdraw from the information received about the death of a loved one. The human body helps avoid severe stress, which for many becomes fatal (leads to heart attack, stroke, etc.). Information that can cause such pain is not fully recognized as relating to a person. A relative of the deceased hears the spoken words, but does not identify himself with the person referred to in the message received.

Denial and shock are two mutual consequences when receiving news of the death of a loved one.

At first, the information does not reach consciousness, the person is in shock. Then he gradually comes to his senses. That's when denial kicks in. This is a type of psychological defense that helps you smoothly enter a painful situation, otherwise you can die. Moreover, at the stage of denial, awareness of what happened has already reached the subconscious. A person knows, understands or guesses that a loved one has died. However, the news does not reach consciousness immediately.

The second stage begins: resentment and anger.

This stage is no less emotional than the first. When the person who receives the sad news realizes what has happened, he is bombarded with a whole range of feelings and emotions, most of them heavy: resentment and anger. They are destructive, so those around you should treat the grieving person with understanding, help if possible, not react sharply to harsh statements, and not be offended in response, because at this time the person may not fully understand what he is saying and to whom.

This behavior is explained by the need to give vent to negative emotions.

Anger can be directed at any person around you: acquaintances, relatives, friends, and even passers-by on the street. Even the smallest reason is used for this. Another option is that anger is directed at oneself, which can cause great harm (from deep feelings of guilt to suicide). Resentment appears as a way of partial compensation for the enormous pain that arose in the soul after the news of the death of a loved one. If a person experiences negative emotions, he does not grieve so much on the external level.

Negotiation

When the first emotions become less vivid, they are replaced by hope for the return of the deceased, a change in the situation, and an improvement in one’s own well-being. The grieving person conducts internal negotiations: with himself, the deceased, fate, God. He is ready to promise anything in exchange for changing a difficult situation for the better. However, negotiations are the next stage of denial, when a person cannot accept what happened. Consciousness goes to any lengths to reduce the intensity of pain. But everything is in vain, so a feeling of hopelessness follows.

Despair

When there is nothing left in the soul, this emptiness consumes the grieving person: the vital source of strength (the loved one) disappears, there is no more joy, happiness, future - everything disappeared in an instant. Understanding this is accompanied by the emergence of despair, which is comparable in strength to a tsunami wave. There is no strength to fight this feeling, it is all-consuming, limitless. A person who has not encountered anything like this before simply does not have the spiritual means to overcome such an obstacle.

Support from loved ones after the death of a loved one is something without which it will be more difficult to move on to the next stage. But even alone you can really cope with despair; for this you need to change your worldview. When a grieving person looks at the situation from a different angle, he will find a way out, a way to help himself.

Humility, acceptance

Over time, an understanding of what happened comes. The reactions and feelings of the grieving person change. The pain has not gone away, but may have dulled and transformed. At this stage, the person himself wants to change the situation, get out of the current situation, and find new meanings of existence. He experiences conflicting feelings, but acceptance of the death of a loved one is already inevitable, even if guilt and pain are still felt, and the person often cries. The experience of loss cannot stop instantly, but the grieving person resigns himself, does not attack others, and does not fight for lost happiness.

Pacification

One day the final stage of grief ends. A person is reborn to a new life, he finds peace. But this does not mean that oblivion comes; he ceases to remember the deceased loved one. A loved one will forever remain in the heart, but at the same time peace appears. Throwing ends, negative emotions disappear. When a person reaches this stage, it can be said that he has naturally finished grieving.

How to survive the death of your daughter's father, advice from a psychologist

Khalzanova Svetlana Borisovna

Practical psychologist

Parents need to remain calm so as not to frighten the child. The father is very important for a girl, so you should be attentive to her feelings: - tell what happened (without details, understandable to the child), answer questions as honestly as possible; - you can cry together, but you should not throw a tantrum with uncontrolled expression of emotions and tears; - you can go somewhere together more often, do what your daughter likes, go for walks, but you don’t need to constantly overwhelm her feelings with entertainment.

Erase superstitions from your mind

I know that Thomas receives hundreds of questions about superstitions. “We wiped the monument in the cemetery with children’s clothes, what will happen now?” “Can I pick up something if I dropped it in a cemetery?” “I dropped a handkerchief into the coffin, what should I do?” “A ring fell at a funeral, what is this sign for?” “Is it possible to hang photos of deceased parents on the wall?”

The hanging of mirrors begins - after all, this is supposedly a gateway to another world. Someone is convinced that a son cannot carry his mother’s coffin, otherwise the deceased will feel bad. What an absurdity, who else but his own son should bear this coffin?! Of course, the system of the world, where a glove accidentally dropped in a cemetery represents a certain sign, has nothing to do with Orthodoxy or faith in Christ.

I think this is also due to a reluctance to look inside oneself and answer really important existential questions.

How to survive the death of your beloved dad - advice from a priest

Father Vladimir

Clergyman

The first piece of advice is to give yourself time to process the grief, and a few weeks or months is not enough. For a believer, questions of death are not common. The pain becomes unbearable for a person with weak religious foundations. He can concentrate on the accompanying negative feelings: resentment, anger. This is wrong, such behavior leads away from true faith, because the one who is offended, like the one who is offended, carries within himself a particle of God, which means that denial of any person is a sinful act. We need to be more tolerant towards the dead, including. They cannot answer, but they hear, and therefore they should talk more with the soul of the deceased, pray for it.

How to let go of pain, leaving a bright memory

Psychologists give effective recommendations to help you accept a difficult situation:

you need to experience the pain, not fence yourself off from it, not try to forget yourself, but at the same time you should not go to the other extreme - endless grief, it is recommended to experience all the feelings, observing your reactions, then over time the intensity of the pain will decrease;
it is important to rethink what happened, learn a lesson, find an explanation, the reason for the loss, accept it, and also understand that little in the universe depends on a person, nothing belongs to him, which means it is important to be prepared for losses, to go through such tests correctly - with humility ;
you need to communicate, after a while, willy-nilly, a person will be forced to appear in society, thanks to support, the stage of grief will end faster;
you cannot avoid thoughts about death, the loss of a loved one - reminding yourself of what happened will allow you to quickly accept the pain and survive it;
it is necessary to mentally separate from the deceased, then it will be possible to remember him much less often;
do not feel guilty, accept the possibility of making a mistake, even if it is connected with a difficult situation when a loved one died - such events can be part of the great plan of the universe in relation to a person;
we must remember that love has been preserved after the death of a loved one, the person himself is the focus of it, you just need to look deep into the soul, discover the ability to give warmth again;
rest: full, healthy sleep is just as necessary for a grieving person as for any other person, but in this case it is important to restore mental strength as quickly as possible;
find a hobby or return to previous hobbies: an activity, or even better, an activity that brings happiness, will partly fill the soul with new emotions, which will make it easier to experience grief;
change of scenery: you can go to another country or visit new places in your city, where you wanted to go right now, this will reveal your desires, help you look at the situation differently, and find the strength to live through the pain.