Lying is ugly. Our parents teach us this truth from childhood. Indeed, deception is always offensive and unpleasant. However, the statistics are inexorable: the average adult tells lies about 50 times a day. But if people understand that lying doesn’t make them happy at all, what makes them lie? And most importantly, how to stop lying?
The first thing to do is to understand the motives for such behavior. People lie for various reasons. Most often they just want to seem better than they really are. Attribute to yourself actions that you did not do, or merits that actually do not exist. Also, deception is often associated with the desire to relieve oneself of responsibility or justify some of one’s actions. Many people prefer to lie so as not to offend the other person. Deception, in essence, is the habit of not telling others, deliberately hiding certain facts. In some cases, the abuse of lies reaches such proportions that solving the problem on your own becomes impossible, and only the advice of a psychologist can help. There are many support groups where people with similar problems meet. It is always easier to face difficulties together, and such groups provide serious moral support and an incentive to change for the better.
Why do people lie
A person begins to lie from childhood. At about the age of 3, each child voices a lie, carefully monitoring the reactions of loved ones. There is no malicious intent in such attempts to deceive; the little person simply does this out of curiosity. This is a mandatory step in growing up and learning about the world around us.
But adults lie for a specific purpose and with specific motives.
The desire to appear better
We all want to be the object of envy, and not be envied ourselves. Therefore, without a twinge of conscience, we talk about mythical wealth and heroic deeds. Attributing to ourselves those qualities or material benefits that we have actually been dreaming of for a long time.
The real reason for such fantasies lies in low self-esteem and envy. Gradually, a person plunges headlong into a thoughtful image and is no longer able to distinguish a lie from the truth.
White lie
By covering up the bad actions of others, we ourselves become complicit. I, of course, do not mean any illegal actions; here you yourself must understand that they are unacceptable.
A banal lie to your boss, justifying the lateness of a colleague, is a frequent example of a white lie. A colleague showers you with gratitude, and you feel like a superhero saving the poor fellow from a formidable boss.
But in fact, you are not saving him, but yourself. Subconsciously, you understand that, having learned the truth, the boss will get angry, and you may also get caught. And an upset colleague will not be able to work fully, so you will have to take on some of the responsibilities.
Fear of offending or disappointing
Mutual assistance and support are the basis of friendly and romantic relationships. A true friend will always rush to the rescue, putting aside his own desires and plans. Such truths are instilled in us from childhood.
But sooner or later we realize that we are not ready to constantly sacrifice ourselves for the good of others. But it is very difficult to refuse a loved one. We don’t want to look like a traitor or an egoist in his eyes, do we?
In this case, the most incredible excuses and tricks are used. The side effect of such lies is self-flagellation and guilt. You will still beat yourself up for refusing and will not be able to concentrate on yourself.
Lying out of politeness
This is perhaps the most harmless type of lie. If a colleague asks how you like her new hairstyle, don't tell her that it's terrible and adds 10 years to her hair. You risk being branded as a rude and boorish person.
In any case, there is no need to overdo it. Try to be as neutral as possible in your assessments. And when you are not asked, it is better to remain silent.
What is meant by “lying”?
Psychologists say that every fifth phrase we say is a lie.
How to find a good psychologist?
So, we know that lying is something unpleasant, perhaps even shameful. But, you see, this is a rather vague concept. What can actually be called a lie? Everything that is not true, namely:
- "Controlled" response.
So, you met with a former classmate over a cup of tea in a cafe. She talked about how she lives, it’s your turn. What will you tell her? I'm willing to bet that not all areas of your life will be revealed to your friend. Perhaps you will boast about your promotion up the corporate ladder, but keep silent about your recent visit to the director “on the carpet” (due to being late for work).
Surely, you will tell us about your upcoming trip to Sri Lanka. However, you won’t talk about the fact that you saved for it for two years. Can this be called an outright lie? Of course not. However, your conversation will not be crystal honest either.
- Not telling the truth.
A similar situation: you are sitting at a friend’s house and talking about a variety of “feminine” topics. Suddenly the conversation turned to losing weight. Your friend (a very straightforward lady, I must say) tells you that you look plump.
Of course, you are slightly unpleasant (yeah, slightly), but you don’t show it. On the contrary, you agree with your friend and actively begin to sin on... of course, hormonal levels. You obviously won’t talk about that tiny little pie eaten at two in the morning.
- Exaggerations.
So, you finally vacationed in Sri Lanka and even lost two kilograms! It's time to meet your girlfriend!
You tell her about the crazy relaxation in Sri Lanka, a massage with aromatic oils, a walk on an elephant, tropical rain, delicious cuisine and, of course, that you have lost as much as five kilograms! Five! Let him know that you can do anything! What have you done? Exaggerated a bit. Is this a lie?!
- Gossip.
And this can be considered a real epidemic! It is in all offices, in every home. What do we do in the process of “washing the bones” of another person? We express ourselves, we realize ourselves. Your boss praised your colleague, you got upset and ran to your friends.
Having washed this colleague’s bones (by calling her, at best, a sycophant), your mood has risen, and along with it, your self-esteem. But you wouldn’t dare speak out to that colleague in person, right?
Who can be considered a pathological liar?
Some people cannot exist in the real world and be guided by truthful information. They constantly lie, gradually building their own ideal reality. These are pathological liars.
It's hard to believe that they are not telling the truth. Pathological liars convey distorted or completely fictitious information so sincerely and convincingly.
There are several reasons for this behavior.
- Educational mistakes. Future liars are raised by overly demanding and sometimes aggressive parents. Wanting to receive praise and affection, children begin to compose and invent. The need for approval and social recognition continues into adulthood.
- Psychological disorder. Constant lying is a symptom of mental disorder. A person acts this way unconsciously and cannot control himself. In this case, you need to contact a psychotherapist.
Look what psychologist Veronika Stepanova says about pathological liars:
Show that lying is not the only way out of a situation
When communicating with your child, you need to teach him that issues with parents can be resolved through sincere conversations. With a detailed statement of the position on what does not suit the teenager. And not lies.
This is necessary so that the teenager understands: it is not necessary to use lies to achieve your goals. You can find a way out of the situation if you talk honestly.
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Why lies are dangerous
Lying never brings happiness. Yes, perhaps it will help you achieve your goal or create an ideal image in the eyes of others. But you will not get true pleasure from conveying distorted reality. To control fiction, you need to constantly be in a state of tension.
This is exhausting not only on a psychological, but also on a physical level. As a result, the liar becomes vulnerable to various diseases and becomes emotionally exhausted. Agree, it’s hard to enjoy life when you’re overcome by a feeling of oppressive fear.
Sooner or later the truth will be revealed anyway. Are you ready for the disappointment of loved ones, loss of reputation, complex explanations and conflicts? It’s not worth it, any untruth affects your personality, you lose your own “I”.
Negative consequences of lying
None of the reasons for intentional lying lead to a productive outcome. The problems that a person lied about or kept silent about will not cease to exist. And his real social status will not increase due to fictitious achievements and successes. It is quite possible to trick another person into doing something, but lies tend to be revealed, and then next time no one will want to deal with you.
The person who lies:
- susceptible to depression and oppressive fear,
- lonely and has communication problems,
- often gets into exhausting conflicts,
- has a bad reputation among colleagues and few acquaintances,
- loses himself as a person. [3]
How to change yourself and stop lying
If you decide to change your own life and give up lying, there is a lot of work ahead, but the result is worth it.
Sincerity will help maintain not only mental, but also physical health. Follow the following plan.
Realize the true reason for your lies
A lie never just happens. Liars are always guided by some goal, albeit unconsciously. Carefully analyze your life, think about what is behind this or that action.
If you cannot determine the true motives of behavior, consult a psychologist. An outside perspective will help you identify the problem and move on.
Realize why you want to change
You may think that if lying helps you achieve certain goals and objectives, there is nothing wrong with it. But take a deeper look at the situation - every time you give out false information, you hide a piece of your own personality.
Do you really want to live your whole life hiding behind a mask? Think about what kind of example you are setting for your children and do you want to instill in them the concept of decency? Look ahead a little and soberly assess the consequences of your own behavior.
Get support
It is very difficult to overcome the problem of constant lying on your own. Try to find support that will help you move on and not deviate from your intended path. This could be a close person whom you completely trust and are ready to open your soul.
Don’t be sad if there are no such people in your environment; a psychologist or virtual acquaintances from an online chat or a specialized forum can help you improve.
Practice telling the truth
It is very difficult to immediately adapt and become a person of crystal honesty. But you have to start somewhere. Try to first tell the absolute truth to people you don’t know: fellow travelers on transport, acquaintances on the Internet. Nothing binds you, and this will help you open up and not invent anything.
Next, move on to your friends, but don’t open your heart right away. Start by openly discussing neutral and harmless topics. Be honest about your food preferences, movie impressions, and weekend plans.
This way you will learn to express thoughts without second thoughts and fantasies. The acquired skill will help you be honest in more serious situations.
"Little Truths"
It is very difficult for people who lie all their lives to immediately understand how to stop lying. Therefore, psychologists recommend starting with small steps. It is necessary every day to speak the truth where previously there would have been a lie.
Lying is in some way theft: a person dishonestly receives respect, love and recognition from people. It makes more sense to focus your energy on understanding how to satisfy your emotions in an honest way. This will become a strong basis for self-development and building relationships with others.
How to understand that a child is deceiving his parents - signs
The most common signs by which you can understand that a child is not telling something, or is quite openly lying, include:
- deviates from the interlocutor;
- “hugs” himself;
- sharply “throws” the head back or tilts it down, to the side;
- hides his gaze, does not look into the eyes;
- during a conversation he often coughs, swallows, etc.;
- twirls something in his hands (pencil, eraser, etc.);
- often touches the nose, rubs the forehead, eyes, chin or fiddles with the earlobe;
- covers his mouth;
- scratches the neck or “adjusts” the collar;
- “hides” behind some objects (table, soft toy, etc.);
- chooses a static pose (without movements);
- pauses before telling a lie;
- says a lot of details, wanting to hide the lie.
Bottom line. Short advice from a psychologist to parents
- Treat your teenager like an adult.
- Talk to him more, tell him about your problems and experiences.
- Give more independence.
- Be sure to knock before entering the room.
- Be tolerant, but control the situation.
- Ask questions unobtrusively during the conversation.
- React to all confessions, even if you don’t like them, without outbursts, evenly.
Only joint work, established contact and mutual understanding will help rid your teenager of an addiction.
Yabrova Ksenia Aug 24, 2021
If you lie, you can avoid punishment
Situations of this kind are common; if teenagers lie, they thereby save themselves from punishment for an offense. To a greater extent, this happens if parents are despots and do not understand that different things can happen in life. The child, taught by the bitter experience of receiving punishment, deliberately hides the truth by telling lies. If at least once he provides himself with such protection from punishment, the lies will continue to be repeated. In this case, parents should turn to a psychologist for advice, because they are the ones to blame for this behavior of their child.
Independence, autonomy, audacity
Trying to keep their parents at a distance, not wanting outside interference in their personal space, teenagers begin to lie. Having his own beliefs and occupation, which his father and mother do not approve of, the child dodges, trying in every way to hide his secrets. You should not pester your child, much less prohibit him from doing what he loves, if it does not contradict the law. When experiencing the insolence of a teenager who wants to establish justice from his point of view, do not get into an argument with him, this will only complicate the situation. Try to delve into what your child is passionate about, it could be goths, punks, anime and other trends, after 1-2 years the hobby will pass, only memories will remain.
