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The article explains:
- Signs of a Good Listener
- The importance of listening skills
- Differences between brilliant and average listeners
- The Basis of Listening
- Factors that hinder the development of listening skills
- 9 rules for learning to listen
The ability to listen belongs to the category of skills that a person needs in all areas of his life. We are talking about relationships with relatives and friends, career success and professional development.
Having the skill of listening gives you an understanding of who you are and who the person is who is speaking to you. However, such an ability does not appear on its own; it must be developed. In our article we will tell you what this skill is, how it manifests itself and how it can be learned.
Signs of a Good Listener
In the process of communication, it is very important to have the ability to listen to your interlocutor. This is a state when a person consciously directs attention to what the narrator is talking about.
These are the qualities of an active listener:
- the ability to see the situation from the outside;
- having patience;
- suspension of judgment;
- the ability to create a conducive environment for the continuation of the story;
- the ability to avoid hasty assessments at the beginning of a conversation.
The Importance of Listening
The skill of listening is one of the most important and is the basis of human relationships. In the family, at work, when communicating with friends - you cannot do without it. By not paying attention to the words of the interlocutor, a person is deprived of the opportunity to hear something that could be useful not only for the narrator, but also for the listener.
One who does not know how to listen will never be able to achieve high social status and receive respect, love and stability in family relationships.
This especially affects everyday family life. Lack of desire to listen to your partner's point of view leads to misunderstandings, which over the years develop into irritation and lead to divorce. If there is no interest in the interests of children, then subsequently there will be no warmth on their part.
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A gap between close people is created in the absence of the ability to listen and hear what one or another family member wants to convey. Also, without this important skill, it is difficult to build good relationships in the work team.
Listening skills
In order to develop listening skills, you need to learn to focus on the essence of the interlocutor’s story. Don’t stop him from speaking and try to be impartial, not pay attention to the manner in which information is presented. You should forget about all your problems and completely immerse yourself in the events that are so important to him.
Look into your eyes
Look at the person you're talking to, it's not that hard. Put your phone away, don't look at what's happening around you, watch only the person you're talking to.
Talking to someone who isn't looking at you is unpleasant, to say the least. Doubts immediately arise whether they are listening to you or whether attention has long gone to other objects.
When a person says, “I'm listening, I'm just a multitasker,” that's even worse. There are no multitasking people, because it is impossible to focus attention on two objects at the same time, it will rush from one to another and the person simply will not understand anything said or done at this time.
In this situation, in close relationships, the desire to talk or tell something disappears. To prevent this from happening, just always look into your eyes, because your attention is a great gift for close people (and not close ones too).
Differences between brilliant and average listeners
Based on the results of studies by Jack Zenger and Joseph Folkman, who found out the difference between excellent and average listeners, the following conclusions were drawn.
- Silence does not always indicate that you are listening carefully to your interlocutor . Even nods during the story cannot indicate this. Active participation in the dialogue, asking questions that help to better understand the problem, create the conditions for better interaction during communication. This allows the other person to see that you are interested in understanding the full picture of what happened. The ability to listen is manifested in the interest of both parties, in dialogue.
- Being a good listener does not mean dumping negative judgments on the head of your interlocutor . Your task is to relax the narrator, give him the opportunity to fully open up, without fear of rejection of the position on your part. When communicating with you, the interlocutor expects support and positive messages that help increase his self-esteem and self-confidence.
- There are people who love to argue . They wait for the moment when they can insert their objection, without really delving into the essence of what the interlocutor is talking about. This method is good for debate, not dialogue. The ability to listen to a person assumes that you can correctly express another point of view, but this will not be competition, but a desire to get to the bottom of the truth.
- Good listeners are not silent or those who nod their heads during a conversation . The ability to listen involves an exchange of opinions that can lead to the emergence of a new perspective on the topic under discussion.
Please note the last output. At first glance, it contradicts the fact that people complain about those who, during a conversation, without delving into the essence, “push” their point of view. Most likely, the listener needs to control the intonation and emotional message when conducting a dialogue.
Why is it so important to hear your interlocutor?
Let's just understand why conflicts arise. As a rule, any conflict is the result of mutual misunderstanding. The result of our tendency to see “hidden meaning” behind the words of another, continuous subtexts... The spouse said that the soup was under-salted, and you heard that you are a disgusting housewife. He asked why you were late, and behind this you heard a thousand more accusations... Each conflict can be settled many times faster if you do not add anything unnecessary to the interlocutor’s words. In addition, by developing listening skills, we begin to understand our partner. If a child is capricious, a wise mother sees the baby’s fatigue or hunger behind it. Likewise, the ability to hear our spouse allows us to see behind the stream of accusations simply the emotional state of another person. Accordingly, you no longer explode at every occasion, but gently reassure your spouse. And peace and tranquility reigns in the house.
Once you understand the benefits of listening, you will definitely want to learn it. How to do it?
How to develop the necessary skills?
All that is required of you is constant training. Nothing unusual. But this simple workout can work wonders.
Try to listen to those around you and consciously not let their words pass through your filters. Do not give them your interpretations. Just take their statements for what they are. As an exercise, try a little game with a friend. Have one of you tell a short story and the other try to retell it without adding anything extra. And then the narrator will confirm whether you understood him correctly.
The next time your spouse accuses you, don't be so quick to snap back. Just listen to him. Listen carefully to everything he says, without adding your own conclusions. Just the fact that you listen silently can resolve the conflict. Or, at least, reduce its degree. Let your partner finally speak up. And no one will interrupt him. If you have truly learned to listen, your spouse will not be angry at your silence. On the contrary, he will understand that his words resonated. And this silence is not offended ignorance, but attentiveness. Great, isn't it?
How do I know that I can hear the other person?
- You are in no hurry to enter into dialogue and do not interrupt your partner. You let him express all his emotions (you don’t always need to let him pour out all the negative emotions on himself, but that’s another topic);
- You know how to ask questions to help clarify a situation. Don't talk so much yourself as take an interest in the other person;
- You are calm. Even if your spouse says unpleasant things, you take it calmly. As the other person's position, not as an offensive attack on you;
- You can gently resolve the conflict;
- People are drawn to you. Many are ready to open up to you and trust their experiences. Good conversationalists are a rarity.
Video from the training:
The Basis of Listening
There is no universal listening style. The situation and psychological characteristics of the interlocutor create one or another basis for interaction. Business listening presupposes the ability to grasp the essence of information and record the placement of semantic accents. Personal listening involves immersion in the situation, emotional support, and sometimes the desire to please and entertain the interlocutor.
The basis of the ability to listen is genuine interest in both the interlocutor himself and his story. Mentioning yourself is only appropriate if you want to relax the person and let him talk.
Also, we should not forget about “synchronization” with your interlocutor, when you understand each other perfectly, half a glance and breathe in the same rhythm. This increases the level of trust and the person can truly open up.
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Eye contact is also important. It makes the connection between you stronger and filled with positivity.
Evaluate the story before you tell it
If you manage to catch yourself before telling another story, evaluate whether it fits the topic of discussion.
Maybe your experience will really be interesting and useful for another person, maybe it will be a relevant story that will make everyone laugh - great, tell me.
But if not, if you're just remembering some old story whose only purpose is to say something, it's worth reconsidering your intentions.
Maybe if your story doesn’t contain any useful information at all that might interest another person, you shouldn’t tell it at all? Maybe it’s better to ask your interlocutor a question and find out something else?
Factors that hinder the development of listening skills
- Do you want to speak for yourself
Many people want to become the center of attention, show off their knowledge, and win over a certain audience. This approach to communication excludes the ability to listen and hear the interlocutor. After all, while the interlocutor is revealing his problems, the listener is thinking about possible responses to his story.
When interlocutors are interested in each other’s position, communication occurs spontaneously, as the conversation progresses.
- You give your interlocutor an assessment
We often tend to evaluate and discuss the statements and actions of others. If we don't support them, we may distance ourselves and judge that we won't hear anything new from him.
Such a superficial assessment is not always correct. You should get more complete information by listening to the end and form a reliable idea about the person.
- Prejudices are bothering you
If it seems to you that the interlocutor does not understand the issue under discussion, you should not show your disinterest in the conversation. Perhaps he, as an amateur, will be able to amaze you with an extraordinary approach to a problem known to you.
- Having an ego
The presence of an ego often interferes with establishing relationships with others. Possessing this quality, people do not want to delve into conversations that are conducted, in their opinion, by incompetent interlocutors, who are also at a lower social level. This position cuts off the possibility of developing listening skills.
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- You are trying to do several things at once
If you are interested in receiving information, you should put aside your own affairs and pay attention to the story of your interlocutor. Otherwise, when multitasking, the brain will not be able to recognize the value of the ideas put forward.
