How to build personal boundaries. TOP phrases for protecting personal boundaries

The boss calls you after 22.00 on urgent issues, a friend comes to your home without warning and cries after another personal failure, Aunt Nina asks you to help organize an anniversary for your stepbrother, whom you don’t even know... And you agree, because otherwise you will turn into a careless worker, a bad friend and the subject of dissatisfied discussions among relatives.

How to protect yourself from such situations, stop tolerating intrusions into your life and learn to give up what you don’t like? The answer is simple - build your boundaries.

From this article you will learn how to defend personal boundaries in the family and at work, how to behave and what to say when others allow themselves too much, invade your space without asking, and intrusively pester you with advice and requests.

What are a person’s personal boundaries?

The need for security is basic for every person. It is important for us to feel protected, to have an inviolable space where only those closest to us can enter. We don’t allow strangers into our home, we don’t allow just anyone to touch us, we don’t hug people we barely know—this is how we protect our physical boundaries.

But in addition to physical boundaries, which are responsible for who and how close you allow into your space, there are also psychological boundaries. They are needed to protect your personality, conserve your energy, protect your self-esteem, your views, beliefs and principles. These are invisible barriers that protect your freedom and psychological comfort from outside attacks.

It is personal boundaries that allow you to build life the way you really want it. If you have weak boundaries, then you are probably doing things that you don't like, putting yourself out there in a job where you are not valued, spending a lot of time with people you don't want to be with, and your life is filled to the brim with routine and obligations to others.

Close people

But you can trust your close people. Mom, sister, grandmother - they will ask this question for a reason. They can help you find a way out of a difficult situation, and it’s better for you to talk it out. Noticing that you are in a sad mood or feeling unwell, the first thing they will think is that something is wrong with you in your personal relationships. If everything is fine, then hurry to reassure them, saying that everything is fine with you and there is no need to worry. Thank you for your support.

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Answer the question “How are you?” it can be done in different ways. You should not be like your interlocutor and use banal answers or ask primitive questions: “How is life young?”, “What are you doing?”, “How are you doing?” and other boring phrases that will repel your interlocutor. Humor will help turn the conversation in a friendly and interesting direction: “How are you on the personal front?” - “I haven’t killed everyone yet” or “Quiet as in a tank.” You can answer with sarcasm: “The cases are with the prosecutor, but with me it’s just small matters.”

Signs of weak personal boundaries

They put too much pressure on you and take advantage of your soft-heartedness;
You do things for another person, and push your own to the side;
You don't know how to say no;
Feel guilty if you refuse others;
You are afraid of looking bad in other people's eyes, so you always agree to requests.

What are the dangers of shaky borders and why strengthen them? When you tolerate a violation of personal boundaries, you lose energy and vitality, move yourself to the margins of your own life, and lose your individuality. Working through personal boundaries is important for you to feel confident and safe in this world, to realize your potential, and not to indulge the will of others.

Common phrases

Well, for those who don’t want to think about the answer, you can simply choose a stock phrase , for example:

White as soot.
I haven't given birth, but soon.
Like a cat - I eat, sleep and purr.
Just like in a pharmacy - necessary, but expensive.
Everything is fine, I sleep on a lampshade.
I get dirty, but I melt.
Kukuyu.
In search of.
The end is near.
The wife is happy.
When they don’t ask stupid questions, it’s really okay.
No better than a squirrel in a wheel.
Semper in motu.
There will be things to do.
Stunningly.
What do you remember from the old days?
You've made a mistake.
Regularly.
It's so good that there's nothing to say.

Use our tips and you will never find yourself in an awkward situation!

How to build personal boundaries

If physical boundaries are easy to define by putting a fence around the house or locking the front door, then with psychological boundaries everything is a little more complicated. They are invisible to other people and therefore conflicts and misunderstandings arise in society every now and then.

Another difficulty is that many people themselves do not understand where their boundaries lie, so they cannot tell others about it. In this case, there is a hint: you can understand where your personal boundaries end by the level of discomfort. If a feeling of indignation, disagreement, protest arises inside of what is happening, what is being said to you, or how they are treating you, then your personal boundaries pass approximately here and you need to notify your interlocutor about this.

I understand that this can be quite difficult, especially if you were taught as a child to restrain your feelings and emotions. Almost all of us from the Soviet and post-Soviet space have heard similar phrases:

Don't pay attention (if something unpleasant happened). Don't argue with your elders! Don't contradict me. Be a good girl. I am the last letter in the alphabet, etc.

Instead of how to build personal boundaries, we were taught to endure, be comfortable, obedient and flexible. The education system was largely built on feelings of guilt, shame and manipulation. We grew up in a society where this is customary, and now, out of inertia, we keep our face, allow others to ride on our necks, pretend to be the benevolent Mother Teresa who helps everyone, but inside there is a deadly hurricane of discontent and indignation raging. As a result, all this leads to disastrous consequences: illness, emotional disorders and a feeling of the meaninglessness of life.

If you, like the vast majority of people, did not receive the skill of defending personal boundaries from your parents, then it is in your interests to form it yourself.

The building of personal boundaries actively occurs in adolescence. It happens that teenagers quite aggressively defend their interests and the right to free choice, demand that their desires and opinions be taken into account, and clearly state what they want and what they don’t. But in adult life, we often return to old strategies - we again adapt to other people’s expectations, we are afraid that others will think badly of us and we become plasticine in the hands of other people.

Exercise. Think back to yourself as a teenager. You can look through the photographs and try to mentally return to yourself in that period. And from this state, try to write your own code of personal boundaries. Describe point by point what behavior you consider unacceptable towards yourself, no matter how you would like to be treated.

For example, 1. I don’t like it when people are late for a meeting with me. 2. I will not tolerate anyone speaking badly about my family. 3. I don’t want anyone smoking in my presence. 4. …. 5. ….

This list will help you determine roughly where your boundaries are, so you can communicate that clearly to others when necessary.

Boundaries can be flexible, that is, change the “radius” depending on different people, situations, context and relationship development. For example, what is acceptable for your beloved man is absolutely unacceptable for your boss or neighbor. What you allow in private with your husband may be prohibited in public or among friends. In the event of a change in the status of your relationship with a specific person, there is an expansion of your own boundaries (if you want to move away from him) or a narrowing of boundaries (if, on the contrary, you want to reduce the distance and bring the person closer).

Answer options for girls

To a man’s question “How did you sleep?”, the girl will be able to give original and funny answers:

“Stormy and cramped, I had a 200-pound man with me.”
“I’m scared, I’m afraid to sleep alone, will you keep me company so that I can finally get some sleep?”
“Today you dreamed, so you woke up in a cold sweat.”
“Excellent, but damn little. "
“I decided to become a lark. And now I’m a sleep-deprived and angry owl.”
“It’s bad, as always. But this is good, because the main thing in life is stability!”
“It would be much more pleasant with a sexy handsome guy.”

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Answers with humor to a man’s question “How are you?” and what are you doing?":

“I haven’t given birth yet, as soon as I give birth, I’ll let you know.”
“Thank you, regularly.”
“I wouldn’t mind giving up a suitcase with green rubles to improve things.”
“I get another orgasm from questions like this.”
“I decided to strike the figure - I’m indulging in buns.”
“I’m sitting lying down.”
“I’m fixing a faucet. A woman's occupation? I won’t refuse help.”
“I’m looking for a candidate for the father of my future children.”
“Great, my cat is sleeping without his hind legs, and now I’m frying a chicken leg.”
“I celebrate Tractor Driver Day (any holiday that is celebrated in different countries of the world on this day).”
“I’m sad. I’m fed up with those who ask such questions.”
“What to answer: great - you won’t believe me, bad - you still won’t help.”
“There are no cases because there are no bodies.”
"Ambivalent."
“Two days by carriage, a week on foot.”
“Everything is covered in chocolate, including the keyboard.”
"Out of quiet sadness."
“I’m not busy right now. She left for a while."
"Guess. The word with the letter X. It’s not a fact that it’s good.”
“They are going well, but in an unknown direction.”
“Are you eager to talk about this topic?”
“Growing, blooming and smelling.”
“I’m dying, drying up, wasting away.”
“Life is hard without Persen.”
"Everything is fine. only in the accidental."
“Like a native: I walk naked, eat shit and sleep with just anyone.”
“Continuous, equal and compact.”
“You are businesslike, and I am lazy by nature.”
“Excellent, so much so that there is nothing to tell.”
“Dum spiro spero (I hope while I breathe).”
“Things ended yesterday.”
“I’m trying to enslave the world.”
“I’m meditating on your message.”

What to answer if they ask “How are you on the personal front?”:

“I’m now in the calm before the coming storm.”
"The front is temporarily unavailable as it is under development."
“A lot of your men were killed.”
“No change on the western front, as well as on the eastern, southern and northern.”
“I’m holding defenses along the entire perimeter.”
“I’ll surrender soon.”
“The enemies are attacking, but I am not giving up!”
“Personally, everything is happy and excellent for me personally.”
“Personal - it’s personal for that reason, it’s indecent to tell.”

Do you feel like Bridget Jones at Christmas dinner, with your relatives not lagging behind for a minute? Marital status “not married” or unwillingness to have children does not give others the right to meddle in your life. To explain this to those who do this, use our tips.

Personal boundaries in relationships

In love relationships and marriage, personal boundaries are often blurred. When a couple just falls in love, the concentration of endorphins is off the charts, and butterflies are dancing in the stomach, then, as a rule, there is no talk about boundaries. People are so interested in continuing the relationship that they can be patient, turn a deaf ear, and ignore behavior that caused discomfort. But when the couple gets closer together, the boundaries that are not set in time make themselves felt: quarrels become more frequent, discontent and irritation accumulate. Therefore, the principle “everything is fine now, but we’ll figure it out later” works so-so. It is important to immediately define personal boundaries in a relationship with a man if you want this person to consider your interests in the future.

It is especially important to build personal boundaries in marriage so that each partner feels comfortable, safe, has the right to their own point of view, free time, privacy, and the inviolability of certain aspects of their life.

Don't forget that psychological boundaries in a relationship are always a two-sided story. There are not only your boundaries here, but also your partner’s boundaries. A strong, happy family and a long-lasting union are possible only if both have mutual respect for each other’s boundaries. In a healthy partnership, sometimes rejection is normal. And on the contrary, to always agree means to lose your Self.

Women's emotions when their ex writes to them

When you see your ex's number flashed on your phone screen, you undoubtedly experience certain emotions. This may be accompanied by severe anxiety, rapid heartbeat, and “butterflies in the stomach.” Of course, it becomes pleasant, because it means that the man remembers you and is looking for communication. Even if you are both sure that you cannot be together, the sudden appearance of a former gentleman in your life can evoke bright feelings.

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Anika Snagovskaya

Author and presenter of women's trainings on harmonizing feminine energy. Master of removing limiting beliefs and master of constellations.

I have prepared three lessons for you that will help you better understand yourself, remove the restrictions that prevent you from feeling loved and living happily.

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Video lesson + meditation: How to let go of past relationships

I’ll tell you what you need to do to free your heart from old feelings and break the energy threads connecting you with your past partner.

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Take your gifts!

The famous family psychologist John-Paul Bird states in this regard that news from an ex-man can be a consolation for a woman. After all, this is direct evidence that he remembers and thinks about her, that she occupies some place in his life, that he is still attached to her. It's definitely nice.

How to protect your personal boundaries

The easiest and most environmentally friendly way is to voice them. Directly and without hesitation. Those around you are not telepaths and can only guess how comfortable you are and how not. For some, it is normal to hug tightly when meeting, while others greet even close friends with restraint. Some people calmly gather large companies at home, but for others, even one guest is a big stress. We are different. But it is not at all necessary that our differences will become an obstacle to communication if we timely indicate where our boundaries begin and end.

This can and should be done without aggression. Defending personal boundaries does not mean going to war against everyone who dares to set foot on your sacred territory. This may look like a calm dialogue, an explanation of the reasons why you felt discomfort and an agreement to avoid such situations in the future when communicating.

When setting your boundaries, it is important to speak in the format of an I-message, that is, starting from your feelings, and not blaming or attacking another. "Don't you dare touch my things!" - this sounds aggressive and is likely to lead to conflict. “I want to know that I have a safe place where I can write down my thoughts. That's why I feel uncomfortable when you get into my planner. Please don’t do that again” sounds convincing without hurting the feelings of the interlocutor. The person will hear you, understand and act differently next time.

Yes, perhaps, by outlining your boundaries and defining certain rules, you will no longer be comfortable and good for others. 100% there will be those who will be outraged by your “freaks” and who will accuse you of being selfish. But by upholding personal boundaries, you take a big step towards yourself. Protecting your inner comfort is your main responsibility to yourself. People who truly value you will consider your feelings and respect your boundaries. They won't turn their backs on you.

But first of all, you yourself need to accept the fact that defending your borders is not a sign of arrogance and selfishness. When they wipe their feet on your new carpet or sit on your bed with dirty clothes, it is completely normal to say “Stop! I don’t like what’s happening here” and send the insolent person away. Do you agree? So, when they wipe their feet on your feelings, you also have the right to stop what is happening, and not to keep your mouth shut for fear of offending someone.

If you do not want to waste your energy on explanations, you can simply leave the territory where your boundaries are being violated. Leave the place where you feel uncomfortable, stop communicating with a toxic person, if this is not some strategically important person in your life, do not respond to negative comments, ignore insensitive questions. This will save you energy, nerves and time.

If, in order to defend your boundaries, you need to refuse a request or some proposal, you do not need to hide behind disasters, illnesses, or grandmothers who end up in the hospital. “I don’t want” / it’s not convenient” is already a strong argument in favor of saying “no”. To make it easier for you to refuse, separate your refusal from the person’s personality and relationship with him. You say “no” not to the person himself, but to his request. And this does not in any way mean that you are renouncing your friend, mother, colleague, and your relationship can be put to rest.

How to assert your boundaries at work

Most people find it extremely difficult to set personal boundaries at work due to fear of being fired or losing a bonus. Submission to superiors is considered something natural and necessary in order to maintain one’s position, because the stakes are high.

But you must understand that agreeing to overtime, making concessions, taking on someone else’s work is a quick road to professional burnout, and not to career heights. If you do not want such an outcome, you should take a clear position in protecting your interests. Good leaders value people who treat themselves with respect and have an inner core. Therefore, do not be afraid to give a firm but reasoned refusal if your boss asks you to stay late, take work tasks on vacation or on the weekend.

My working day is already over. I will definitely return to this issue tomorrow. This is not part of my competence/list of responsibilities. Now I have other tasks planned, when I am free, I can take up your question. I spend my weekends with my family and cannot sacrifice this time.

Say your refusal calmly, confidently and with dignity. The main thing is, don’t make excuses and don’t profusely apologize. You need to make it clear that you firmly hold your position. Be polite, but at the same time let the manager know that you will not compromise your boundaries and trying to bend you is pointless.

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Most often, this category includes relatives. Mom filled out your Tinder profile and terrorizes you: “When will you finally find a husband?” This is how parents suffering from overprotection behave. For them, you are still a little girl, and not an independent person. Don't worry, it will go away with time.

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They think in stereotypes

Those who are used to living according to a script can also ask uncomfortable questions. Everything here is predictable, like a concert in honor of Police Day. Any deviations from the “college-marriage-children-retirement” plan are unacceptable. Like inveterate gamers, they strive to move to the next “level”. And they think that you dream of hearing Mendelssohn’s march right after graduation from college.

Final Tips for Getting Your Ex to Stop Texting

On the contrary, if your ex-boyfriend annoys you, and you are categorically against any communication, and especially the resumption of the relationship, make it clear to him that you do not need to be bothered. Say directly that you do not want to correspond with him or meet with him. Your answers should be concise and very clear.

Why does your ex sometimes text? Why not ask him about it directly? Maybe the guy won’t tell you the real reasons, but you can try. If your ex does not respond to requests to leave you alone, simply blacklist him. This can be done in any messenger and social networks to stop being tormented by thinking about the motives of his actions.

How to answer a stranger’s question: “how are you?”

They say that this method of communication or dating is common in the USA, but our people are not so liberated, and some still consider ordinary street dating bad manners. And if you don’t think so yourself, then you may simply not like the person you’re talking to who just dropped on your head out of nowhere.

Then you can “shave it off”: