Emotional attachment to people and things

Many of us are overly amorous people. We can easily fall in love with another person and have a strong desire to be only with him. This can be called emotional attachment. However, let's think about what emotional attachment actually means? I believe that this is an attachment to people, to beliefs, property or some other things. But still, to a greater extent, this refers to attachment to people and the inability to let them go.

This can also, to some extent, mean a lack of freedom. Because you become emotionally attached to the person and their habits. And build your life around this person. And when you lose it, you begin to suffer from emotional loss and other psychological problems. You may feel sad and sometimes even depressed. This phase of depression usually occurs when men and women break up with each other.

Emotional attachment to things

Typically this involves people's property. We live in an age of materialism in which various things are of great value to people. It can be anything. Starting from various clothes, and ending with cars and apartments. People love to collect various things; they do not throw them away or give them to the poor. And they keep them only because they are emotionally attached to them. They hoard and store things, even if they have no practical use for them.

This kind of emotional attachment can have a negative impact on your life. Because when you need to change something. For example, move to another apartment, change your place of work, update your wardrobe, or break off a relationship with a person, then you cannot do this. Because they are emotionally attached to certain things that unite you. This is especially bad when you need to make drastic changes in your life.

How is such an attachment formed?

Emotional swing

A classic manipulative technique, the effect of which can be truly destructive. It is present in the narcissist's toolkit. Pick-up artists borrowed it from them in the form of the “zooming in and out” technique. But it is possible to push the victim on an emotional swing even unconsciously. People are complex creatures, and while one simply cannot decide on his feelings, the other becomes completely dependent on him.

The essence of the technique is the alternation of good attitude and alienation. For example, today a person agrees to meet with you, expresses his affection in every possible way, hints at a possible continuation, and you feel that you have met your soul mate. Tomorrow he blocks you in all messengers and disappears for two weeks. And then he appears again and pretends that nothing happened, you have a complete idyll. Then it disappears again, and so on endlessly.

Each time the manipulator returns, the victim receives an incredible dose of happiness. By this point, the abandoned person is devastated and suffering, so that the mood graph jumps from the lowest point to the highest point - the difference is felt in a completely special way. It seems that no one else and nothing can bring such happiness.

At the same time, the victim is confused and does not understand what happens when the partner disappears. She begins to look for reasons within herself and, of course, finds them. As a result, the partner’s return is colored by additional emotions: the person made a mistake (although he does not understand where), but he was forgiven.

Anyone can fall into this trap. It’s just that someone manages to slow down in time and assess the situation from the outside - it will look crazy. Someone may never get off this swing, especially if the manipulator swings it deliberately.

Nastya

I got off the emotional swing, but still felt dizzy for a long time.

In my youth, I often fell in love, but one feeling became truly fatal. Most likely, I would quickly move away from him and move on with my life as usual. In general, I’m easy about the fact that someone doesn’t like me, as long as it’s simple and honest: yes or no. But this man was sending extremely contradictory signals. Some encounters were definitely romantic, others were very cold and strange. He could disappear for months, and then appear, and everything would go on as if there was no pause.

For a long time I could not figure out what was happening. I understood that we didn’t have a relationship, but at the same time I didn’t go on dates, because suddenly something would happen. I tried to be better in everything, because the reason for the coldness was probably me. I will become cooler and jump to his level. And I was unbearable, I could only think and talk about one thing - thanks to my friends for being patient.

I slept a lot and worked a lot to fill the void. But she was still happy only when she received his approval - he finally appeared. This feeling lasted for several days, and then it became even worse. Based on the description, it looks like drug addiction, probably even with withdrawal symptoms.

I don’t think (or rather, I hope) that he did this on purpose. I was just also at that age when you don’t fully know what you want. And it’s scary to let go of something that you hold in your fist just in case it might come in handy. I was of no use.

It all lasted a year and ended simply. He disappeared once again, finally saying something offensive, and I blocked him everywhere. Then the man appeared, but somehow I looked at the situation more soberly. He wrote: “You want us to see each other more often, but I can’t even see my friends that often!” I thought: “Oh, in all this time I haven’t even become a friend,” because I wasn’t a lover either. And when you are in the 35th row of someone’s hierarchy, you can no longer climb up, you can only leave.

Self-esteem manipulation

It is easy to keep a person with low self-esteem on an emotional leash. He believes that he is unworthy of love, that he is nothing and cannot do anything. Therefore, he easily transfers responsibility for his life to another and is grateful that he tolerates such stupidity next to him.

To lower the victim's self-esteem, the aggressor will notice every mistake and shortcoming, talk about it constantly - personally and in public - and focus on how much better he and everyone around him is coping. It will quickly become obvious: you can’t do without such a partner.

Blurred Promises

When you hear “We’ll go to Italy in the summer,” you immediately understand what we’re talking about. The partner makes you a specific promise, about the fulfillment of which you can ask questions. The manipulator will create illusions - not for planning, but for play.

For example, he asks: “Would you like to live with me?” The satisfied victim takes this as an offer, happily agrees and begins to pack his bags. But it quickly turns out that it was just a question - no one promised anything.

The trick is that the manipulator can always interpret his words in two ways - and, of course, not at all in the way the victim perceived them. If the suitcases had not been packed, the response would have been a complaint that no one listens to the aggressor or takes him seriously.

In the end, everything turns into a gambling, but destructive game with attempts to guess what the partner had in mind and hit the jackpot. But that won't happen. And the victim, investing more and more in the relationship, will swallow the hook deeper.

Using fears and stereotypes

The manipulator enjoys playing on the victim’s fears: being left alone, not getting married, not having a child, being rejected or being judged by others.

Svetlana Bibikova

psychologist

Let’s not forget that the most powerful providers of templates are culture, folk morality with its stable imperatives: “Love must be eternal”, “There is no smoke without fire”, “Hits means love” - and religion: “Love is an unconditional virtue”, “Love your neighbor as yourself,” “Do not resist evil. Whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn the other to him.”

As a result, the victim begins to believe that this relationship is her last chance.

Increased feelings of guilt

The aggressor diligently plays the role of the victim. He always feels bad, and the partner is to blame for this, who, of course, will feel obligated to help, save, be there. There may even be an illusion that the manipulator will not survive alone and will disappear - this, of course, is not the case.

An extreme case of playing on guilt is the promise of suicide. Blackmail cannot be the basis of a healthy relationship: a person is independently responsible for his life. However, it is quite easy to fall into this trap.

Alla

When I tried to leave, I felt like a traitor.

I have an ex-boyfriend who, by the standards of many around him, is a “good guy.” But not in the sense that he did anything good, he just didn’t do anything bad. Didn’t smoke, sometimes drank beer, didn’t hit me, didn’t call me names. But when I think about him, I shudder with anger, disgust, shame - the list goes on.

For a long time I could not understand what was wrong. He wanted a serious relationship and was offended by me because I didn’t want one. But what did he mean by serious relationship? That I will take care of him in everyday life and do tons of invisible work: store information in my head about what needs to be bought for the house, for lunch, and so on. When I voiced that I was not interested, he began to reproach me, periodically asking if I had changed my mind.

At the same time, for a year and a half I gathered my strength to leave him! All this time I couldn’t shake the feeling that somewhere I had already been treated like this. And one day I realized where: my mother behaves in a similar way.

This was horrifying. But it became clear why I was stuck in this relationship in the first place: I fell for a familiar hook. It was a strange feeling. Part of me understood that it was time to get out, but the other was like, “What are you even talking about? We live like this all our lives!”

What happened in childhood seems to be the norm. It took me years of therapy to understand that you can’t be upset with me because I don’t want to sacrifice myself for you. That it’s okay to have your own needs and get them met in a relationship.

But in my childhood this was not normal. If mom says that we are going to the dacha, then we are going to the dacha. There is no choice, and no one cares whether you want it or not. And if you protest, you are a traitor. And emotional punishment awaits you: scandals, reproaches, nagging. You get used to obeying. And when my partner begins to behave in a similar way, I fight not against him, but against my mother. And going against your mother as a child is like going against God. It's pointless, because how will you live then?

You can’t imagine what a relief it is to understand that your partner is not a mother and that he is being chosen.

Material dependence

It seems, what does emotional dependence have to do with it? But there is a direct connection here: money gives a feeling of security. Without them, we cannot satisfy our primary needs like food and sleep, because sleeping on the street is not a good idea.

Accordingly, a person who is completely financially dependent is often also emotionally attached to the aggressor.

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Emotional attachment to a loved one

When you become emotionally attached to your partner, you trust him with all your secrets. And also all your problems and your life. You must be very careful in this case. Since too much attachment can lead to jealousy, feelings of anger, anger and serious problems in relationships. After all, many people do not understand the difference between emotional attachment and love. Attachment can be to anything, to a person or to any material thing. Attachment can be both emotional and physical. However, love is a much stronger and more meaningful connection. It's not just affection for someone. This is a feeling that arises from the depths of our soul. And if attachment can be overcome at some point. That is, a person cannot get rid of love at will.

Love, on the other hand, requires devotion, expression of feelings and emotions. Although, love and affection in many cases go hand in hand. There are still key differences between them. You must acknowledge and understand these differences in order to maintain healthy relationships in your life. If we are talking about love, then it is a strong feeling that you feel for another person. People really need love, and without love our lives are not complete. But emotional attachment is still not a positive factor in the relationship between a man and a woman.

What is destructive attachment

In a couple, attachment inevitably arises, and this is normal: people feel sympathy and are drawn to each other. Relationships make us happy, but separation from our partner makes us sad.

But it happens that attachment goes beyond the boundaries of the norm and becomes destructive.

Kristina Kostikova

psychologist

This happens when one of the partners begins to lose his personality, to see a life guide only in his beloved. He may feel bad in the relationship, but he is not able to leave it. When attachment is destructive, a person becomes emotionally dependent on his partner.

How to be a happy person with emotional dependence?

You have already realized that we easily become attached to most things around us, including people. And this can negatively affect our lives. Because we do not feel happiness and pleasure. When we miss those people or things to which we have an emotional attachment. Therefore, to be a happy person, you must learn not to get attached to people and let them go easily. There is no need to overly exaggerate the importance of a person in your life. And when such a moment comes, you must calmly let it go. Otherwise you will be deprived of freedom and happiness. You need to live in the present and focus on it. And make the most of your life in the moment.

Types of attachment in adults

What is attachment? This is a feeling of intimacy based on deep sympathy, love, devotion to someone or something. In the 60s of the last century, psychologists began to study it within the framework of the relationship between a child and parents - the founders of this theory of attachment were John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.

However, 20 years after them, in the 1980s, Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver decided to apply this concept to adults who are in romantic relationships. They identified four main types of attachment:

reliable (characterized by the ability to easily form secure relationships);
anxious (characterized by uncertainty in relationships);
avoidant-dismissive (characterized by emotional unavailability);
anxious-avoidant (a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles).

Therefore, when it comes to how to remove attachment to a person, the last three models are usually meant, since the first (reliable) is the basis of trusting, healthy and harmonious relationships, and people most often do not want to get rid of it.

It's a different story with the other three, because of which a person can repeatedly fail in trying to start a healthy relationship or be unhappy after entering into one. Below we will talk about how you can change negative attachment patterns to positive ones.

How to get rid of emotional attachment?

Very often, emotional attachment manifests itself in people who lacked love in childhood. Therefore, in adulthood, when someone shows sympathy and positive feelings towards them. Then they begin to experience psychological dependence on them. One of the best solutions for dealing with emotional attachment is the help of a psychologist. But, if you don’t want to ask for help, you can try it yourself.

First, you need to determine what or who you feel attracted to. Then you will need to learn to enjoy life without using these things or people. Stop constantly thinking about the person you are addicted to. Little by little, start moving away from him. Start spending more time on yourself, your hobbies and passions. Communicate more with other people and expand your circle of acquaintances. Don't focus on just one person. And remember that your life and your mental health depend only on you. Therefore, you should pay more attention to yourself. You need to stop being a materialist. Find joy in life without involving other people in it.

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General Tips

Relationships between people lead to an emotional connection called attachment . Sometimes these feelings go beyond boundaries and become unhealthy. A psychological problem arises. It can lead to depression and a nervous breakdown. If it becomes clear that the relationship brings only painful sensations and there is no prospect of further communication, it is necessary to take action to eliminate such attachment.

You won't be able to get rid of negative thoughts unless you want to end this problem.

One of the most effective ways to get rid of thoughts about the person you are attached to is to stop communicating with him. At the same time, not only stop dating, but also correspond or call back.

It is not easy. You may feel spiritual devastation, but this is just a temporary phenomenon. It is worth removing from sight all the gifts given by this person. Photos taken together on vacation. It won't be easy at first. But over time, spiritual satisfaction will come.

Being in such a state, people tend to remain alone, closed off from the outside world, with their thoughts and memories alone. It does not help. At such times, it is necessary to communicate more with family and friends. Their support and understanding will help you cope with your worries. Interaction with others will help you stop focusing on your problems. Leisure and spending time together will allow you to get positive emotions.

You need to find not only negative sides in everything. If your husband left you, then it’s time to start looking for new love. There will be more free time. Household duties will be simplified. The scandals will stop.

After getting rid of addiction, a new time in life begins. Free time can be spent on your favorite activity or hobby. It is necessary to improve yourself, work on yourself, and engage in self-education. If you have an interest in art, it's time to start reading relevant literature. Start attending art exhibitions and other events related to this area. If you couldn’t quit smoking before, you can try to quit this bad habit now.

A good way to get rid of addiction is to do something that will occupy not only your mind, but also your hands. This could be handicrafts, creativity, dancing, cooking, sports. You need to do this with passion, and not just out of boredom. You can pursue a career and build your own business. If earlier attachment prevented the implementation of bold projects and thoughts, now is the time for this. This will help you become financially independent.

It happens that a person cannot cope with the problem of attachment alone. Then you need to contact a specialist. A psychologist will help you switch to something else, get rid of negative thoughts, and suggest a way out of this situation.

You need to learn to enjoy life, every moment of it. Life is fleeting. Don't waste your time on empty worries. Moving on, having made the right conclusions, is the key to peace of mind.