How to survive a temporary separation from your beloved man for a month, six months or a year

Separation is a mean word. The meaning of this word in explanatory dictionaries is interpreted as: to live far from someone who is close. Every person has to experience separation in their life. It can be short-term or long-term, but it definitely leaves heaviness and anxiety in the heart and soul.

The reasons that lead to the need to stay away from those you care about at a distance may be different, but the very fact: not being able to have direct contact with a loved one can seriously affect your psycho-emotional state. Therefore, you should not underestimate any situation related to separation.

In this article:

Biochemistry of separation The main thing is calm Communication mode The power of words Let yourself dream Time of opportunity Let loneliness not last long

Biochemistry of separation

Photo by EKATERINA BOLOVTSOVA: Pexels
What is the nature of the biochemistry of separation? Why does your heart clench when you think about a loved one? To understand this, you need to remember that there are many significant substances in our body, the deficiency or excess of which is directly related to your mood, ability to enjoy life, enjoy activities or creativity.

In the case of separation, let's remember hormones. Hormones are substances that are produced inside your body and transmit information from organ to organ. They are responsible for the quality of your sleep, pleasure from food, and activity.

Hormones, like no other, are connected with your emotional background. The production of any type of hormones occurs in response to external or internal stimuli. Such an external stimulus is communication with a loved one: this can be a normal communication process or intimacy. In this case, the body releases happiness hormones: dopamine and serotonin.

If the process of close relationships is stable, then the amount of these substances in your body is at a certain, usual level, and any change in the communication process causes, accordingly, a lack of these hormones. In this case, your mood worsens, and feelings of restlessness, loneliness and anxiety appear.

How to survive separation? Long distance relationships.

If we consider the case of separation from a loved one who is your sexual partner, then another type of hormones should be mentioned: oxytocin. Oxytocin is responsible for your feeling of stability and confidence in your partner. This hormone is released in full during sexual intercourse. Violation of the level of this substance can lead to increased stress levels, an unstable emotional state, and even manifestations of aggression towards a partner.

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The main thing is calm

It is very important to be able to stabilize your psycho-emotional state during the period of separation. To do this you need to realize that:

forced separation is temporary and not something fatal. Time will pass and everything will return to normal;
you cannot influence the current circumstances that caused the separation. Therefore, you should not dramatize the situation and swing the pendulum of negative emotions.

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The most correct decision: accept what is happening calmly, with a clear understanding of what is happening, without showing irritation, anger or panic.

The strategy for your behavior during separation from loved ones is simple, but it will still require effort and understanding.

How to survive a breakup with the man you love

Different girls recover from breakups in different ways—mostly because they deal with their pain and sadness differently. Someone cries into their best friend’s vest for a long time, someone doesn’t leave the house and doesn’t want to see anyone, someone breaks away and lights up so that there is no time or energy left for sadness (or for the same purpose they immerse themselves in work or study), and someone immediately starts a new relationship.

None of these methods can be condemned, because at this time a person acts to the best of his ability. But the most useful thing is to let yourself be sad, grieve for a departed relationship, draw conclusions and slowly return to life. This is painful and unpleasant, but this is the only way to save yourself from dancing on a rake called “confusion in a relationship with an ex,” which risks starting at any moment and dragging on headlong. If you want to return everything, then read the article on how to make a man fall in love, and if you definitely decide to forget everything, then read on.

It’s very difficult to cope if you broke up just recently. But you need to take care of yourself and stick to the chosen strategy in order to survive the separation and not break down. Here are some ways:

Let yourself be sad. As much as needed, but at least a few days. Sad music, tears, tons of tissues and absolutely non-constructive thoughts - allow yourself all this. You need to cry to release your emotions. Don't overdo it with mourning: you are unlikely to need more than a few days for the active phase. Then gradually return to your normal routine. Thoughts about your ex and sadness will not go away yet, but you will start doing something else. You will be able to work, study, achieve success, have fun at parties, enjoy life and even enter into other relationships. This is grief. Don’t be afraid and don’t avoid him - this is the only way to fully survive your boyfriend’s departure and come out of the breakup a healthy person.
Feel the state of being “at the bottom”. At some point, sobbing in the bathroom or staring mindlessly out the window, you will realize that things can’t get any worse, that this is the point of no return. This is a scary moment, but it is after it that you can begin to rise up. Focus on this moment, go through it consciously. Understand that this situation will not last forever, which means it’s time to rise from the bottom.
Find support within yourself. Breaking up is a great experience to make sure that you are the only one you truly have. Everything else can disappear at any moment, no matter how alarming and sad it may sound. You need to feel that you are your own best friend, mother and best comforter. You need to find the strength within yourself to survive a difficult stage. And for this you will need to take care of yourself, love and pamper yourself a little. Remember yourself as a child and think what someone close to you would do if they saw you in this state. Did you sit on your lap, comfort you, give you something tasty, tell you something good, encourage you? Feel the warmth of the care you can receive. And which you can give to yourself. Only by taking care of yourself will you find the strength to cope with difficulties.
Don't blame me. If the guy initiated the breakup, you will probably start to think that you are not good enough. And if you decide to break up, you will be tormented by a feeling of guilt. Try to avoid both. Don't blame yourself for what you did or didn't do. Don't blame your partner for this either. You found yourself in a situation where you realized that you could not be together for some important reason - and this is good, albeit sad, news. It is better to break up with unsuitable people. Be angry at yourself or at the guy if you want, but don’t let the anger turn into guilt and make you responsible for the breakup. It is not your fault. And this breakup does not make you a worse person or someone who failed. Remember this, don't deny your value.
Find another love. This is not a call to enter into a new relationship, it is an advice to remember other people whom you love and appreciate. Psychophysiology professor Barbara Fredrickson called love “micro-moments of positive feedback”—those moments when we feel connection and warmth towards other people. You need support. And hugging another loved one, hearing something pleasant from him or just words of consolation is invaluable support when breaking up.
Do something for yourself. After a breakup, life often changes - and it’s worth taking advantage of. Listen to yourself: perhaps you will develop new interests. Or there will be time and opportunity to do something that was not possible to do in the relationship. Take up a new hobby, engage in self-education - this will help you take your mind off things. Find a group with similar interests - social interaction will be healing for you. A new hobby should bring joy and positive emotions. You can set yourself a quest to try all the “Napoleons” in the city, or do other frivolous things that bring pleasure. As you gain new experiences, you will notice that you feel not only loss, but also freedom.
Rearrange your plans. When you feel better and a couple of weeks of acute pain are behind you, the time will come to rebuild your life for yourself. You probably planned something with your partner that now doesn't seem relevant. Think about what you would like to achieve from where you are now. Dream on. Set goals and figure out how to achieve them.
Face reality. You will probably want to get in touch with your lost love, try to get everything back, see that he is also suffering and wants to get you back. Meet him or talk on the phone. Make sure that it is impossible to restore the relationship - none of you have changed for this and are not going to change. Such collisions are needed to quickly let a person go. They are painful, but important in order to give up your own hopes.

Communication mode

The first point of this strategy is to maintain a regular communication routine. You can maintain contact in any available format: telephone communication, online correspondence, video contacts in instant messengers, where you can not only hear, but see each other.

The exchange of information about the results of the past day can take place in a friendly, warm conversation, which can be supplemented with photos, videos or funny publications that attracted attention. This can be the necessary outlet that will allow you to relieve accumulated stress or an opportunity to get the necessary support in a difficult situation.

Favorite work

Do you have a job that you enjoy? She will help you get through separation. Dedicate all your energy and free time to realizing your career. While your significant other is out of town, you can actively engage in work projects not only during the allotted hours, but also in your free time. Such a desire will be rewarded by your leaders. If you put a lot of effort into becoming a more qualified specialist, you will soon be able to get a promotion. If your efforts are not appreciated, you will be able to gain the necessary experience and skills, which can then be used in another place of work, where your abilities will be appreciated.

Are you not being given the opportunity to realize your potential at work? Then at home you can read special literature that will help you raise your working skills to a new level of development. Don't think that theory plays a lesser role than practice. They jointly benefit a person if he uses theoretical knowledge to gain work experience.

Time of opportunity

Don't allow yourself to get caught up in your inner emotional experiences: this creates unnecessary tension and aggravates the situation. Take advantage of the time you have gained from socializing to do something pleasant: sports, hobbies, chatting with friends, studying.

Photo by Khoa Võ: Pexels

This will fill your day and your thoughts with useful emotions, feelings, and will also be a pleasant bonus when you meet, when you can brag about your achievements to a loved one.

The ability to engage in self-development is a very important skill for an adult. In this sense, a breakup can serve as the best stimulus for developing this skill. It should be remembered that in any relationship the level of self-sufficiency of the partner is very important.

Allow your personal space to expand, and respect the personal space of your loved one. After all, no one likes it when a relationship turns into heavy burdensome obligations.

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Preparing a gift

While waiting for the person to return, organizing the moment when the meeting occurs helps cope with melancholy. If this does not happen soon, then creating a gift for his return should be serious and time-consuming. This activity is connected with the one who occupies all thoughts, and therefore it sincerely captivates and gives positive emotions. The one who knows how to write can compose a poem or story, the one who draws can paint a picture, etc. Preparing a surprise will become a new connection with a loved one.

Take care of yourself

It is difficult to find a person who would be satisfied with his appearance. If you have long wanted to correct something in your face or figure, then go ahead. This will help you get over the separation. How will the changes help you in the future? A person who likes his reflection in the mirror has good self-esteem, which means he will be satisfied with himself and his actions. Confidence is another benefit that comes from high self-esteem.

What changes can a girl make to her own appearance? First you should go to the hairdresser. Changing your hairstyle is the easiest thing to do. This step will not require any energy expenditure from you. Consult an experienced professional about the color and cut that suits you. After transforming your hair, you need to take care of your skin. Go to a cosmetologist and ask him to improve the condition of your face. Complete the changes by working on your body. Develop a proper nutrition system, and also sign up for a gym.

Stages of living a breakup

Not many people live their entire lives next to their first love. Usually a series of meetings and separations, falling in love and affection continues until the moment the one and only one meets. This can happen at 18 or 40 years old, maybe earlier or later. Clinging to one person is pointless, because in love, both partners lead, if the union rests only on the concessions of one, it is doomed. Parting with a man must be perceived with gratitude for the experience and happy moments; such an attitude will allow you to quickly get over both the remaining feelings and prepare for a new meeting.

But gratitude must first be achieved, and this path is emotionally difficult, especially if the couple has separated after a long relationship. According to the formulas of scientists, the peak of the crisis when experiencing a breakup occurs exactly in the middle of the entire time spent together. That is, if a couple has been together for six months, then the acute emotional stupor will pass in just 3 months. For those whose married life lasts 10-20 years, a different scenario is proposed. In this case, the 18-month theory will help you calculate how long it takes to get over a breakup. This period will include the passage of all 5 stages described below.

5 steps to accepting reality:

Denial of reality.

It is rare for a break to happen suddenly. It is usually preceded by events, actions, words, conversations. It’s just that some people prefer not to notice the threat, citing a crisis in the couple, difficulties at work, being busy and other excuses. That is why the message about leaving is perceived so sharply and difficultly. What makes it difficult to realize reality is hurt pride, fear of loneliness and loss of stability. Until the realization comes that there is no turning back, that you need to let the man go, you will not be able to survive the breakup and move on to the next step.

At this stage, you should give free rein to your emotions, cry, sob, become reclusive, scream. Do everything to not drown the bundle of emotions inside yourself, but let it out. For those who have truly close and understanding friends, talking through feelings therapy can be done. But only if you are sure that the listener will not stop you with the phrase “it’s your own fault” or “stop crying.” This approach will only worsen the already neurotic state. The duration of the stage depends on mental stability and can range from several days to a month.

Anger.

It is forbidden to spend more than 7 evenings on nostalgic sobs. This is the point when it’s time to get rid of memories of your loved one. Since after accepting the departure, a period of unbridled aggression and blaming the ex for their suffering begins. This stage is too violent, so it passes faster than the others. But in order not to create problems for yourself, you should direct your energy in a different direction. That’s why it’s important to get rid of reminders in the first stage. Sign up for a cooking class, boxing or painting lessons, do strength training, exhaust yourself physically so that you have no strength left to worry mentally.

Bargain.

Moral exhaustion gives way to an influx of doubts when negative memories are overshadowed by memories of better moments. Don’t get hung up on them, don’t run through dialogues and past situations in your head, don’t think about returning. At this stage, only distraction will help. This could be a change of activity, going away, a long walk or going to a nightclub. Returning at this stage will not bring understanding and love, problems have not been resolved, mistakes have not been overcome. Even if the couple gets together, she will again be plunged into the world from which one of the partners has already escaped and will escape again.

It’s even worse if attempts to return face a wall of rejection and refusal. In this case, you will have to return to the first stage and experience the negative again. You need to reassure yourself that the past relationship is no longer there and will not return. All the passion and feelings that create sexual attraction to a former partner are based not on love for him, but on memories of experienced emotions. But bringing back moments from the past is unrealistic. It is possible to get back together after a breakup, but are you ready to trust him again, open up to someone who has already betrayed him once, and sincerely forgive him? If not, don't waste your time.

Depression.

The moment of accepting reality is getting closer. There comes a stage when the pain of parting turns into apathy towards everything, while experiencing this stage you will finally be able to forget both your feelings for the man and him. It is especially difficult to perk up on your own at this step; you need either the help of a specialist, or loved ones, or time. To push off from the bottom, you must not fall into memories, not return yourself to the past, not remember either the good or the bad. If necessary, sob, cry, eat candy, watch melodramas, but do not draw pictures in your head of your ex.

This stage will pass like all previous ones. But unlike past steps, liberation lies ahead. All hell from suffering and worries will be behind you as soon as the last experiences come out with tears. Don’t convince yourself that everything is fine, don’t hold your emotions inside, otherwise you can get stuck in depression for many years.

Adoption.

This is the long-awaited stage of gratitude. When, looking back, you don’t want to cry, but you want to sincerely wish them happiness and say thank you for the wonderful time together. Now you can freely make plans for the future, feel and truly love again. Now you can enter into a new relationship, but not with a baggage of problems, but with a baggage of experience. Some took a couple of months to reach Acceptance, while others took several years. It all depends on the desire and emotional state at the beginning of the journey.

When can taking a break from a relationship only do harm?

And when can breaking up for a while cause harm? Definitely - if the thought of breaking up for good already appears in your partner, and you would absolutely not want this. Let him go for a while, and the man will think that you also want freedom, and then a breakup is not far off...

To the question of whether it is necessary to take a break from each other in a good, healthy relationship, you can answer “yes” - since the higher the trust and love for each other, the more guarantees that the separation will end in a joyful meeting, and during the time spent apart, both partners will receive some kind of individual experience. And if both (or one of them) are introverts, then for such people time alone with themselves is the most useful “recharge”.

Website www.sympaty.net – Beautiful and Successful. The author is Daria Valerievna Blinova, journalist-observer. The article was checked by a special psychologist Olga Yuryevna Gryzlova. More information about the site's authors Copying this article is prohibited!

Opinion of Mikhail Labkovsky

All the tips described above are the canons of classical psychology, universal for all ages, both teenagers and women over 50 and 60 years old. But many psychologists are developing their own methods, moving away, in their opinion, from outdated canons. The world is developing, people's thinking is changing, and besides, there have always been people who are alien to universal methods. For those who value creativity, innovation and fresh solutions, there are many training practices on the YouTube video hosting site. Mikhail Labkovsky, who is widely loved by the female audience and gathers full houses at metropolitan and regional venues, answers in clear and understandable language on the radio station. You can watch the video below:

We will write down the main aspects here, in the form of a brief summary:

The phrase “I was abandoned” is strictly prohibited.

According to the psychologist, the expression “I was abandoned” cannot be used in adult relationships. The wording hits hard on self-esteem and does not reflect the meaning of what is happening. Two people broke up, broke off an alliance in which someone betrayed someone or stopped loving someone. There is no such thing as sudden withdrawal; there are always signs, symptoms, and a cause. Suffering after a breakup has more to do with the inability to express grievances than with love. The man you love is gone, he’s not there, which means he’s not interested in you, he’s not interested in your life, your opinion, so why is he needed?

There is no blame on the other woman.

No one was taken away from the couple, this is an axiom. If a man leaves, it means his feelings have cooled; if he cheated, it means he’s obviously cooled down. There’s no need to be killed and worry about the breakup, or to look for excuses for him or yourself. Relationships were initially unstable if there was no cooling in the couple or they turned a blind eye to it. Conflict is not born out of nowhere, just like the desire to leave for another person.

Don't feel sorry for yourself, don't complain.

Anger and resentment cover your head, you want to tell the whole world what a scumbag he is? Why did you live with a scoundrel? Isn't it a joy to be freed from such a nasty person? He didn’t change overnight, just his actions and behavior were perceived differently. You may have seen him judging couples, making fun of a disabled person, or teasing a stray dog. But they chalked it all up to emotionality or something else. Your man became bad long before the breakup, but stability in the relationship was more important than moral character. Now he’s gone, don’t feel sorry for yourself, but breathe out and rejoice in being freed from the extra burden.

It's normal to suffer after a breakup.

Feeling the urge to constantly cry or throw yourself into overdrive is an absolutely normal reaction to stress. But you don’t need to prove to him how popular and independent you are, don’t throw yourself under men, he doesn’t care. Go to the movies, clubs, cry into your pillow and eat ice cream. Release stress and accumulated emotions in a way that is more familiar to you. But don’t do this in front of your relatives and friends, don’t go into dirty details when telling the story. Those around you will never fully understand, and they may even judge you, driving your experiences deeper.

It is not your fault.

Not with anything! There is no fault in the breakup of the union, he left not because the scale showed 5 kg more, or he stayed in the bathroom longer. A partner loves the whole woman, not her strengths or weaknesses. Of course, if you were the initiator of the breakup, it’s harder not to start blaming yourself, just as it’s harder not to stop thinking about returning and worrying about his condition, but this was a deliberate step, there was a reason for it. Stop at your motives and think about them, rather than looking for someone to blame.

Chemistry of love

Falling in love is a biochemical process of producing certain hormones (dopamine, serotonin and endorphins) that are responsible for pleasure and satiation with a partner. Pleasant sensations take over when you are near the object of love. The state of falling in love is comparable to drug intoxication. And when the next dose stops feeding, the addicted partner begins to experience withdrawal. This condition leads to 2 types of behavioral reactions:

Victim complex. An abandoned person wallows in self-pity. The state of apathy can develop into clinical depression, from which only qualified specialists and medication can help find a way out. Self-criticism and self-flagellation destroy a person from the inside.
Aggression. The opposite emotions in blaming oneself for all troubles are irritability and uncontrollable outbursts of anger. Such people often take revenge, humiliate, insult their ex or ex.

Both options are failures and will not bring peace. If you still love, then destroying self-esteem, as well as material values, will not help you come to terms with the separation or return your partner, it will only lead to a new cycle of suffering.

Example from life

Recently, Emma Bunton, a member of the popular music group Spice Girls, spoke about her personal life with singer Jade Jones. It is noteworthy that they met back in 1998, but broke up a year later and reunited only 5 years later.

According to her, the temporary break in the relationship made their bond stronger. The Spice Girls star recalls: “I was 21, he was 19. We were so young, so we shouldn’t be surprised that we didn’t do what we needed to do.

We had different obligations: I had to go on my tour, and he had to go on his. I think we would have split up at that time anyway. We simply did not have the opportunity to have a serious relationship.

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