Childbirth is stressful for the mother. The rhythm of life, self-awareness and self-perception of a woman changes radically. Hormonal changes are combined with psychological ones, which often results in postpartum depression, during which thoughts about an unwanted child arise. On average, this goes away within a year. But experts cited disappointing statistics: more and more women, even after 5, 7, 10 years, admit that they regret having a child.
Current state of the problem
For the first time, regret about the birth of a child was made public 11 years ago. French psychoanalyst Corinne Mayer described the phenomenon in her book “No Children. 40 reasons not to have a child." The book and the author were subjected to impartial criticism, but, as one would expect, after this women began to confess their thoughts and feelings: some publicly, some anonymously. There were even those who, having been mothers twice or thrice, called what they had done a mistake.
According to German research, 8% of 1,200 women regret having a child. There are no exact data for Russia, but it is known that every year mothers abandon 30–50 thousand children. I dare to suggest that there are even more of those who gave birth and are raising a child, but every day regret their decision.
What to do if a child demands pity?
In fact, the child requires attention. And, if pity is the only thing he gets in full, he will take advantage of it. Injuring yourself on purpose, falling, whimpering, fighting with peers - a little older, inventing illnesses for yourself and causing a fever. To prevent this from happening, give love, care, emotions more often - in positive cases. Don't take it for granted that a child smiles at grandma. Praise and say that it is pleasant - both for the grandmother and for you.
Download our checklist and find out how parents should behave during children's tantrums.
Life stories
Women can easily discuss many things related to motherhood, but talking about real feelings and the inability to accept a child is not accepted. Such mothers unite in anonymous groups on the Internet, seek anonymous advice from specialists, or are completely left alone with their problem.
Analysis of their activity on the Internet allows us to draw conclusions about what worries mothers most:
- Late realization of unpreparedness for motherhood. Instead of personally communicating with the children of acquaintances, getting acquainted with books on psychology and physiology of development, studying pregnancy issues, some women follow the “should” stereotype and listen to the advice of friends. And after the birth of a child comes an understanding of the absurdity of the situation, the absurdity of collecting advice. “I didn’t know what I was getting into,” these women say.
- Boredom, dissatisfaction, depression, regret, a feeling of being trapped, fatigue, a desire to take a break from the endless thoughts associated with raising a child, every second responsibility for his life.
- Regret about lost freedom, confidence that life would be happier without children. Fear of missed opportunities.
- Envy of childless friends: they can go on a spontaneous trip, enjoy communication with each other, be alone and think calmly.
- Hatred towards her husband, anger at the fact that he can live his old life, leave home, work, meet friends. Mothers call their lives a miserable existence, and fathers’ everyday life is called a busy life.
- Deep feeling of frustration. The expectation and reality of motherhood often diverge: the child’s gender is wrong, the temperament is wrong, the support of the environment, family, or state is wrong. In general, everything is not as it seemed.
- Feelings of loneliness, pressure and criticism from society. As forum participants note, the mother’s actions are always criticized.
The condition is even more severe for those mothers who gave birth to a child under the influence of their environment, although at first they thought about an abortion, and then were left alone: the baby’s father ran away, their loved ones are busy with their own destinies. This is not just a difficult life situation, but a serious psychological trauma for a woman.
Among them there are those who admit to a selfish or cruel attitude towards the child, harsh upbringing or ignoring his needs. In this case, the child suffers more than the mother. These are dangerous development conditions.
However, most mothers, regretting pregnancy, take care of the child and try to perform their duties well. Some of them even admit years later that they are satisfied with their decision.
I personally know a woman who was not ready for motherhood. After giving birth, she did not feel anything for the child, but thanks to the support of her husband, family, maternity hospital workers and later social workers, the story ended well. Now her daughter is 18 years old, and my friend never tires of repeating the phrase: “Now I have such a girl, wow. I’ll tear anyone for her.” She tells her story with pleasure and ease: from childbirth and the thought “what should I do about this?” to an adult daughter and the belief “I adore her.”
“Mom couldn’t cope with it: she jumped out of the window”
The story of Elena Petrenko, 34 years old (personal information changed at the request of the heroine)
“It happened when I was four and a half years old, and my younger sister was one and a half years old. My mother jumped out of a window due to postpartum depression. For most of my life I didn’t remember this episode, although my mother always had huge, ugly scars on her legs. She limped badly, but we - me, dad and sister - tried not to ask her about it, because when mom started talking about her legs, her chin started to shake. She turned pale, fell into a daze, and then cried.
The topic was taboo - and it was bad: it seemed to me as if a large part of my life was covered with something black. Everyone took responsibility for my mother, and sometimes it seemed to me that my mother broke her legs because of me. I lived with a vague feeling that something was wrong with me. It seemed to me that everyone in life had been told something important, and now they were going through life with tickets, and I was a hare.
In childhood, this manifested itself as constant restlessness and anxiety. At the age of 17, I, an excellent student, did not enter college the first time; At the same time, a man who was older than me left me. I experienced all this as a very big bankruptcy.
I decided that I was a lesbian. I cut my hair short, changed my name to a nickname, started wearing men's clothes and convinced myself that all my past failures had nothing to do with my new personality. My new self didn’t have to feel “different” because I had constructed a separate identity for myself.
I tried to make friends between the “new me” and the real world. It didn't work out very well. The effects of vague anxiety permeated all areas of my life for a long time, and it took me a lot of time and effort to collect all the details into a single fabric. I spent a lot of money on psychologists and participating in psychological groups, trying to get to the bottom of what was wrong with me. And at one of these groups—I was already 27 years old—I remembered.
Little me huddles in the closet with my little sister. Dad enters the apartment and carries Mom. She screams very, very, very scary. Bones are sticking out of her legs and blood is running.
Based on some pictures, I began to piece together this episode in my memory: my mother had just given birth to her sister, and after that something became very wrong with her. She had a very prosperous environment: a separate apartment, a supportive husband and mother. Thanks to her dad, she did not go on maternity leave and maintained her social environment - and 30 years ago this was very rare. But she did not receive the professional psychiatric help she needed.
She had a psychotic attack, and she could not cope with it: having two small daughters, my mother jumped out of a fourth floor window.
It took me another five years to internalize this information and cope with the new fear. At some point I thought like this: “Your mother jumped out of the window, which means she is crazy, sick. And you're sick."
I tried to talk about that day with my mother. She froze, and I realized that this was just cruel. I spoke with friends - many hinted that they don’t talk about such things out loud because “they will think badly of you.” But I couldn't help but talk. No matter what the conversation turned to, I somehow began to tell my mother’s story. She was like a ghost who was always with me.
Then I managed to live it all inside myself. I changed my mind about a lot of things: first, that she treated me badly, ruined my whole life; then - that she did everything she could. I channeled all my impulses into therapy and came to terms with the fact that she—and I—had this experience. I'm about the same age now, but it's still hard for me to imagine what the depth of despair must be to do this. And it seems crazy to me that over the past 30 years no one has talked to me or explained what happened then.
Now I rarely tell this story, but I agreed to talk to explain: postpartum depression is not about marginalized people.
We were a very prosperous family. Mom graduated from Moscow State University, dad is a candidate of sciences, they had everything: a favorite job, mutual understanding. But this misfortune can happen to anyone, and prosperity does not protect against it.
The only thing that helps fight depression is education. Mothers break down, scream, make wrong decisions - but all this can and should be talked about. Any injury can be overcome.
Neither my sister nor I have children. I never wanted them - all my strength went into fighting internal demons. But in the last two years I began to think about having a child. I know I'm at risk for postpartum depression, but not now, not then. And I am not my mother.
What to do
Shame, disappointment, fear, resentment, a feeling of doom, loneliness are a small part of the experiences that accompany regret about the birth of a child. Some call such women heartless, even for one confession of regret they accuse them of cruelty, while others call them unhappy.
I would call these women unprepared for life in the broad sense of the word:
- suggestibility, personal uncertainty, instability;
- lack of understanding of the seriousness of having a child;
- weak ability to adapt to changes;
- lack of psychological flexibility;
- irresponsibility and disorganization;
- ignorance of the approximate future associated with the birth of a child;
- infantilism;
- fear of losing a man, associated low self-esteem and dependence on relationships;
- misunderstanding, ignorance of one’s inner world, one’s characteristics, needs, interests.
The girls did not become like this themselves - these are the consequences of their developmental conditions. The environment was probably unfavorable. But only they have to deal with the consequences.
Recommendations for changing your attitude towards the situation:
- Stop seeing your child as a burden and tormentor. It does what you expect. Yes, there are objective restrictions on independence and freedom, but many mothers know how to do what they love, even with a child. As long as you perceive a child as the end of your life, you are doomed, and no one can help you.
- Find a support group of happy moms. Instead of wallowing in self-pity and discussing the horrors of motherhood, try discussing the possibilities of combining self-development and motherhood. Join new groups on social networks, get out to real meetings with mothers and children. Girls even play sports with their baby, work at home, and devote time to hobbies. It’s just that not everyone knows how to combine it. Don't think about what was or what could be. Your task is to concentrate on the present. Change your social circle, redirect your attention.
- Study child psychology, sign up for courses or consultations with a psychologist. You can find special classes for mothers with children, then you won’t have to think about who to leave the child with. Perhaps you don't feel joy because you don't understand your child. A child is a full-fledged person. He has his own preferences, needs, mental characteristics and temperament. But besides this, there are general principles of child development, knowledge of which simplifies interaction.
- Consider whether your non-acceptance of your child is a projection. For example, the result of not accepting oneself in the present or in childhood. It is possible that the root of the problem is an unfavorable relationship with your mother, her coldness and cruelty, and accusations against you. Or are you angry about a damaged relationship with your husband, but are you sure that the child is to blame? Believe me, he has no intention of harming you. He simply states his needs. Like you, he is not to blame for anything. The answer and the key to change lies only within you. Perhaps it’s a matter of inability to change, adapt, and pacify selfishness.
Regret about motherhood, including as a result of postpartum depression, is a serious problem on which the mental health of a woman, family, and child depends. The condition will not go away on its own; you may need not only full rehabilitation and psychotherapy, but also drug treatment.
But if your condition is not caused by depression, but by deeper problems, then relieving tension, controlling aggression with pills or self-regulation techniques will eliminate the effect, but not the cause. You will relieve pain, but will not relieve inflammation and will not heal the wound. It is more useful to work with the reason.
Understand me!
While the child is small, it makes no difference whether it is a girl or a boy; he needs to feel protection and love. And even such minor troubles as tripping, a toy getting stuck, a T-shirt not being put on are perceived as a universal catastrophe. The baby needs reassurance. And the understanding that everything is okay. Where you just need to show how to do it right, don’t rush in with pity and the desire to do it for the child.
“You get the toy like this. The shirt should be worn like this.”
But if the child hits (falls, cuts himself) and is in pain, he needs to speak out. He starts screaming and crying.
The worst thing a parent can do is force a child to remain silent, endure, etc.
Even with the best intentions, for a child this will be non-acceptance of his feelings, his pain. Therefore, do not skimp on hugs, kisses, stroking. If the child is already speaking (even if indistinctly), showing and telling what happened to him, nod, agree, he is sharing with you. After the child calms down, you can give practical advice on how to avoid this situation again.
Important! Not while screaming and crying! And after you calm the baby down!
Watch the recording of the webinar “Five Keys to Children’s Happiness!” (free in ViLine.Club)
Afterword
If you are experiencing something like this, don't be afraid or hesitate to ask for help. Psychologists are required to maintain confidentiality and treat the client’s problems impartially. A specialist will analyze your specific case, living conditions, prospects and opportunities for solving the problem, and will help you find a way out of a difficult situation.
If you are sure that you will not be able to provide a happy future for your child, it may be worth changing, perhaps you should find a family that is ready to accept a baby - 15% of married couples in Russia cannot, but want to have a child.
Watch a frank interview with one of the girls who was able to cope with the difficulties of pregnancy, her negative emotions and state of despair:
Fears
The child may get scared and cry. Moreover, a broken cup, a neighbor drilling behind the wall, the absence of his mother for 1 minute, etc. can frighten him. This is stress. Which also requires coming out and accepting. Try not to scold everyone and everything that frightened the baby, but sympathize, explaining that everything is fine - “mom left and came, uncle will make repairs and go to bed, the cup is loud but fragile, etc.”
Sleep disorders in children: night terrors and nightmares
We do not protect the child from all troubles, pitying and instilling in him how bad everyone around him is - but we teach him to accept his fears and current actions as normal.
One parent scolds, the other regrets
Psychologists do not recommend feeling sorry for a child if he has just been scolded by one of the parents, so as not to undermine authority and not give a reason to love one parent and not the other. But sometimes children so plaintively ask to be understood and to share their “grief” that it is simply impossible to refuse. After you sympathize with his suffering, explain that mom/dad was right. And the punishment was deserved.
How do you agree with your husband whether to feel sorry for the child or allow him to experience the misfortune himself?
Don't take the child's side when he has really done something wrong.
