What is shyness - what are its causes and how to stop being a shy person

Shyness is a periodic mental state caused by a combination of external factors and internal self-awareness, manifested by behavioral reactions and characteristic of both humans and animals. Shyness includes a whole set of traits that together form this character trait. These include tension, fearfulness, uncertainty due to a lack of social and communication skills, and a certain degree of awkwardness during social interaction.

The reasons for shyness always lie in the desire to hide one's true personality due to fear of interaction, so a person is quite careful in his statements and manifestations. Because of this style of behavior, shyness is often mistaken for internal modesty, sophistication, restraint, and secular manners, but at the same time it is not an external reflection of the presence of these qualities, it is just a mask that looks like that.

There are several categories of manifestation of shyness: external (when a person is afraid to appear in society, attaches overvalued importance to public opinion, subordinates his own thoughts and actions to the assessments of others and is afraid of their condemnation) and internal (when a person is embarrassed in front of himself, the prerequisites for which are too strong feelings of shame, low self-esteem, lack of adequate self-perception and skills to cope with psychological problems).

Shyness is formed during personality development at the earliest stages. This can be served by the examples of parents and copying the model of interaction with the world and reactions to it. Another point that shapes these reactions is the process of socialization, which was traumatic or impoverished, which resulted in a lack of formation of the necessary social skills.

In addition to external ones, there are also internal reasons for shyness. Psychological factors include serious intrapersonal conflict that occurs at subconscious levels. An internal emotional storm arises, often caused by conflicting reactions or desires that are suppressed or the entire conflict is suppressed. At the same time, a person consciously chooses to follow the rules of society, which drown out his own needs - the level of tension grows, it becomes increasingly difficult to find contact with society. The shyness caused by such experiences is comparable to a sealed steam boiler, which explodes after a certain pressure point. At the same time, the person is unlikely to be perceived as shy, and this will shock those around him.

Shyness is also caused by a disturbance in the metabolism of neurotransmitters in the brain and serves as a symptom of certain psychological pathologies. This condition is associated with weakness of the nervous system, hyperthymic accentuations of the personality. When shyness is due to physiological indicators, drug therapy is usually required. If the condition is constantly expressed, and not situational shyness, psychotherapy is recommended.

Varieties of the condition

Shyness is classified according to various factors.

Depending on the strength of the manifestation, there are:

1. Weak degree. A person is shy when meeting new people or speaking in public, but can eventually pull himself together and overcome the emotion.
2. Moderate. Makes you very worried and nervous, but still allows you to be in society.
3. Strong. An extreme degree when a person cannot communicate with others at all and behaves in such a way that others notice the abnormality of his condition.

There is also complete timidity. This is said if a person feels discomfort in all situations related to people. But selective shyness manifests itself more often:

1. Love - occurs when you need to establish contact with an object of interest.
2. Public – associated with being in a crowd, speaking to an audience.
3. Social – causes difficulties in communicating with colleagues, acquaintances and other groups.

American psychologist Paul Pilkonis also identified external and internal shyness. According to this classification, external timidity is manifested by classic behavior (we will talk about it below), and internal timidity is hidden behind feigned impudence and insolence.

Consequences

Shyness can harm a person and deprive him of many opportunities in life.

Consequences include:

• increased fear of the opposite sex;
• there is no opportunity to make new acquaintances;
• lack of career growth;
• hiding creative abilities in front of the public;
• distortion of adequate reactions to events;
• the appearance of depression.

In society, shy people are unlikely to achieve success. They fear and worship people who are authoritative for them. They can only play the role of subordinates, where they are under the constant control of their superior.

When shy, a person tends to be closed. This prevents him from expressing himself; emotions cannot come out. There is a fear of speaking in front of an audience and demonstrating one's talents.

How does a shy person behave?

Let's look at a generalized portrait of a shy person from the point of view of her behavior and internal feelings.

Characteristic behavior:

• silence;
• inability to start a conversation first;
• short, embarrassed answers;
• avoiding eye contact;
• quiet voice;
• hesitations in words;
• difficulties in constructing sentences;
• stiff and awkward movements.

Inner feeling of a person:

• embarrassment;
• fear of public opinion;
• desire to withdraw;
• uncertainty and low self-esteem;
• self-flagellation for mistakes and failures in conversations.

The state of shyness is accompanied by specific physiological reactions:

• hand tremors;
• rapid pulse;
• feeling of anxiety, tightness in the chest;
• dry mouth;
• facial redness;
• active sweating.

Some people experience abdominal pain and flatulence, which makes them even more embarrassed and uncomfortable.

If you often suffer from these symptoms, then learn calming practices. We talked about them in the article “How to calm down and stop being nervous.”

Introduction

The phrase “modesty is decorative” has long been set on edge.
Yes, in some situations modesty is needed, because excessive boasting or obvious narcissism does not suit a worthy person. But shyness is something else. This quality interferes with the life of both the humble guy himself and confuses those around him - they try to help him, understand him, open him up, but this does not always work out. As a result, a shy person drops out of social life, since he is boring and has nothing to talk about. And this gives rise to new complexes and negative emotions in a closed person. And something needs to be done about this.

If you take some action, put in your efforts and back it up with a great desire, then everything will definitely work out!

The Hidden Benefits of Shyness

Being shy is a certain mental comfort zone. This has qualities and positive sides.

• Helps avoid failures in communication.
• To others, such a person seems reserved, serious, and balanced, especially if shyness is moderate or average.
• Protects against conflict situations, since a person does not express his opinion and would rather remain silent than enter into an argument.
• Shyness is a great excuse for not attending events and staying in a secluded, comfortable environment.
• The interlocutor thinks that you are an attentive listener.
• Shyness maintains distance between people, which protects against disappointment and other unpleasant consequences of communication.

This is why not all people actually want to get rid of this feeling. But this must be done, since the roots of shyness are often intertwined with self-doubt and can significantly ruin life.

The most important

Let's start with the most important thing - determine what is really happening

No matter how, you find yourself in unfamiliar company. There is a person in front of you with whom you need to chat - exchange a few words, joke, discuss any issues, etc.

Naturally, you want everything to be successful, because this is a normal desire for any person.

However, for some reason the body tenses up, the eyes begin to dart, the speech becomes crumpled in general - everything is not going as smoothly as we would like. What's happening? What happens is that you start to worry. Why are you worried? Because you are afraid of making a bad impression. This is where the shyness mechanism comes into play. It’s better to do nothing and say nothing than to blurt out something wrong. “What if they condemn you,” says the brain.

This is the whole problem. Shyness is a fear of other people's opinions, and not a character trait. By overcoming this fear, you can free yourself from the bars that bind your emotionality and, as a result, overcome your timidity. But how to do this? Let's finally get to practice.

Psychological causes of shyness

There are many different areas of psychology in which shyness has been studied. I'll tell you about the most interesting theories.

Poorly developed communication skills

Behaviorism is a direction in psychotherapy where human behavior is considered a reaction to the environment in which he finds himself. Followers believe that shyness occurs if a person has not fully mastered the required degree of communication skills.

And the reason for everything is external factors: parental education or poor quality schooling. A person does not learn to communicate and is afraid of it, so he is shy.

Psychological traumas of childhood

Proponents of psychoanalysis, founded by Sigmund Freud, view timidity as a manifestation of an unconscious personality conflict. They believe that this is a kind of protective mechanism of the psyche, formed due to trauma received in childhood.

For example, an emotionally cold mother does not satisfy the child’s need for communication, love and care. He makes attempts to get closer to her, but does not receive the desired answer. As a result, a stable pattern of behavior is formed: stiffness, tightness, fear of expressing oneself, showing one’s emotions.

Inferiority complex

The theory was put forward by psychologist and psychiatrist Alfred Adler. He was the first to use the term “inferiority complex” in psychotherapy and believed that this was the primary source of shyness.

This problem arises due to external shortcomings, low social status, poverty, and lack of acceptance in society. A person is afraid of humiliation, so he avoids other people and behaves timidly and insecurely around them.

Neurotransmitter deficiency

Scientists working in the field of neurobiology have put forward their theory. The human brain contains biologically active substances - neurotransmitters. For example, serotonin and dopamine, which we call the hormones of happiness and pleasure.

When there are not enough of them, the nervous system becomes more sensitive and weakens. Because of this, a person tends to worry too much and act shy more often.

Prevalence of Internet technologies

A very interesting theory that came to us from cyberpsychology - a direction that studies the influence of the Internet on the psyche. According to it, people who like to communicate online and on forums, and also spend a lot of time playing games, lose their live communication skills. Because of this, in reality they become shy.

This is mainly characteristic of the younger generation. It's easier for older people to call and meet to chat. But those who are now 18-30 years old are more likely to choose correspondence in the messenger. Especially when it comes to a stranger.

The instinct of self-preservation

This concept is currently generally accepted, since other theories are regularly criticized due to a lack of scientific evidence.

It says that shyness is a model of the manifestation of the self-preservation instinct. There are two such models in total.

For example, at school a child is faced with a psychologically stressful situation. He has two options: compete and fight openly, or avoid the problem by simply stepping aside and doing nothing. In the first case, the person will become self-confident and persistent. In the second - closed, shy. The choice depends on the child’s temperament and place in society, as well as his relationship with his parents. By the way, I always chose the second option.

Expression of feelings in different genders

Shyness manifests itself in children and adults, regardless of gender. But there is a difference in the manifestation of this emotional state and the reaction of the environment to it. Differences are formed on the basis of society’s understanding of men and women, their roles and behavior in society. A man should be confident, and a woman should be modest and shy with the opposite sex.

Based on this, society develops an image that boys and girls should adhere to. Behavior is evaluated and approved or condemned.

Due to stereotypes about shyness in families, children are raised in accordance with the prevailing image.

Men

Women are attracted to confident men. Timid young men do not inspire confidence. It is difficult for them to find a soul mate.

In addition, they are by nature protectors of the family. To feed her, to be a support, you need to be socially active in society. Parents, knowing this attitude, raise boys like men. Therefore, timid guys can be found much less often than girls.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Women

Shyness is not a problem for women. In society, it is compared with modesty and is opposed to promiscuity. Shy girls are considered more attractive. They find a mate more easily than self-confident representatives.

I want to protect timid women. Men feel that shyness means they won't be able to take care of themselves.

Interesting! Shyness may appear due to a deficiency of serotonin. The lack of the happiness hormone increases the feeling of anxiety.

How to stop being shy

Let's look at specific practices that will help you feel better in society. If you understand that the reason lies deep and you experience a strong fear of others, start with this article on how to stop being afraid of people.

Start with your image

When a person is internally liberated, he behaves confidently: he gestures, speaks clearly, jokes and laughs. Such people even walk especially. But this rule also works in the opposite direction. If you behave confidently, you will gradually get rid of shyness.

Write down “Put on the look” as the first item in your plans for the day. It includes:

• smile;
• confident gait;
• straight back;
• raised chin.

Also, look people in the eyes rather than looking down at your feet. At first it will be awkward and uncomfortable. But this is not a conversation and communication, but just your image, so try to overcome your inner embarrassment.

During a conversation, watch your speech. I recommend you an article on how to learn to communicate with people.

Go out more often

Sitting at home and not communicating with anyone, you will never get rid of shyness. Don't refuse invitations from friends and relatives. At first, just be in society more often to get used to the feeling. Then slowly start communicating with strangers or people you barely know. For example, smile at one of the guests and give a compliment.

This way you will know that people around you will not make fun of you or treat you badly if you say something.

Get out of your comfort zone

I do not recommend abruptly leaving your comfort zone, because it is very stressful for the psyche. It's better to do it gradually. Start small, such as writing comments on social networks and reviews in stores.

Personally, I reduced my shyness in this way.

When you get bolder, try returning the purchased item to the store. Or ask a passerby what time it is. These are harmless things that you won’t be ashamed of later.

Play sports and hobbies

Being in good physical shape will give you self-confidence. And personal interests will add topics for discussion with other people. You yourself will feel like an interesting person, and others subconsciously think so. It will be easier for you to be in society.

Also, by working out in the gym and attending some creative classes, you will meet new people. At first, the unknown situation will be stressful. But over time, you will realize that others don’t care about you. No one will discuss you behind your back, criticize or shame you.

Stop beating yourself up

This is difficult to do - I know from my own experience, since I am an anxious person. For example, when I have a meeting with unfamiliar people in a company, I start to stress myself out in advance and think about how uncomfortable I will be. But when the event passes, I realize that I was in vain to be so dramatic.

I recommend stopping yourself every time you notice anxious thoughts. Seize this moment and write down in a notebook what situation caused your worries. Then do breathing exercises or meditate. This will help you find yourself “here and now”, where nothing terrible is happening.

Test

You can determine the degree of your shyness using a test. Choose 1 option from 3 proposed answers.

1. Were you compared to other children as a child?

1. Yes, but only in my favor.
2. No, my parents thought it was inappropriate.
3. Yes, they criticized.

1. A colleague invites you to dinner after work.

1. Go, because you can get to know each other better.
2. You are anxiously thinking about topics to talk about.
3. Refuse to embarrass yourself out of concern.

1. In a cafe, you accidentally drop a cup of tea on a stranger.

1. Make jokes and apologize.
2. You get lost and ask for forgiveness.
3. You blush a lot and quickly leave.

1. Your friends criticize your hairstyle.

1. Laughingly say that she is not so terrible.
2. Wondering which hairstyle will suit you best?
3. You become isolated in yourself.

1. Your shyness.

1. It appears only in the first minutes of acquaintance.
2. Gives impetus to self-improvement.
3. Keeps you from taking advantage of life's opportunities.

If you get more “A” answers, this means you are not afraid of someone else’s assessment and have self-confidence. The predominance of answers “B” indicates the presence of a feeling of shyness, but very little and only in front of strangers. A large number of “C” answers indicates that shyness is preventing you from functioning normally in society. You should consult a psychologist to solve ingrained childhood problems.

Shyness is a natural protective manifestation of the psyche that is formed in childhood, but it is acceptable only in small quantities. Shyness in the form of a pathology prevents a person from communicating with people and achieving their goals.

Bottom line

Shyness can be overcome - add some effort to your desire and soon you will see a positive result!
Be active, decisive and open to people. You can overcome shyness, self-consciousness, and lack of self-confidence only through painstaking work on yourself, positive thinking, and getting rid of fears or complexes. Fight your weaknesses, prejudices, negativity - and you will definitely become a successful, attractive person!

Elizarova Lilia · Jan 13, 2022

Basic values, interests

The inner world is the main wealth of introverts. The character traits of schizoids are such that they are constantly immersed in themselves. The opposite is hyperthymic, open to everything that happens around them. Closed people value their inner world very much, but they often do not care about the external world, since it seems rougher and more primitive than their own fantasies, dreams, and thoughts.

The eminent German psychologist and physician Kretschmer compared introverts to Roman villas, whose facades are very simple, the windows are closed, and rich feasts take place inside. Thanks to this colorful metaphor, he emphasized that the difference between the dull appearance of representatives of this character and their inner world is extremely great. In contrast to hyperthymia, an uncommunicative person is characterized by restraint and secrecy. It is impossible to tell from him what “feasts” are taking place in his soul.

Communication

A closed person in a group generally stays aloof and prefers to remain silent. His contacts are usually limited to a small circle of friends and relatives. Such people are reluctant to talk about themselves, and you can often hear that information has to be literally “pulled out of them with pincers.”

It is not surprising that schizoid people have difficulty communicating. The secrecy is explained by the reluctance to share one’s own experiences. Introverts do not feel the need to contact the outside world, because they are quite comfortable alone with themselves. As one poet put it, they seek to “wrap themselves in the silk of their soul.” On the other hand, communication really poses a particular difficulty for them, since schizoids feel awkward and inept in the process of communication.

Kretschmer cited another vivid metaphor, where he compared a closed individual with a ciliate, cautiously approaching an unfamiliar object and observing it from behind half-lowered cilia, hesitantly extending its tentacles, and then immediately withdrawing them.

Despite the natural desire to isolate themselves, a shy person sometimes suffers from a lack of communication. This is especially common in childhood and adolescence.

Appearance Features

A closed person in most cases is distinguished by thinness rather than fullness and density. His face is elongated, his head is often ovoid in shape, his nose is straight, his profile is “angular” (observed due to some shortening of the chin). The relationship between a long face, a thin figure and introversion is quite high. However, such a combination does not always indicate closedness. Overweight people also belong to the category of schizoids, but much less frequently.

Emotional background

The experiences of closed people are unique and sometimes seem paradoxical to others. On the one hand, introverts are distinguished by restraint and coldness, on the other hand, they are vulnerable and emotional. Schizoids show an acute reaction to everything that affects their own values. Often this is a spiritual response to injustice, rudeness, disorder.

Currently, the so-called emotional intelligence is being actively discussed. One of its signs is understanding the feelings and moods of others. This is a trait that many introverts cannot boast of. Closed people, of course, suspect that certain feelings are raging within you, but they must be informed about this. They rely on what is said, while not paying attention to intonation and facial expression.