Be brief
“Where words are few, they carry weight,” said Shakespeare. Listening requires willpower. However, it is much easier to console yourself with the words “I won’t hear anything interesting.” We strive to draw such a conclusion quickly, since it relieves us of the volitional effort required to listen. The speaker should remember this and, firstly, try to interest the interlocutor with his very first words, and secondly, be brief.
One day, Mark Twain liked the missionary preacher so much that he decided to donate him a dollar. The sermon had already lasted an hour, and the writer decided to limit himself to half a dollar. After another half hour, he decided that he would not give anything. When the priest finally finished two hours later, Mark Twain took a dollar from the begging plate to compensate for the loss of time.
The ancient Spartans were enemies of verbosity. Once, during times of famine, a messenger from another city spent a long time begging for a bag of grain. The Spartan refused him: “We forgot the beginning of your speech, and therefore did not understand its end.” The second messenger showed the empty bag and said:
“You see: it is empty; please put something in it.” The Spartan complied with the request, adding: “Next time, speak shorter. We see that the bag is empty. You don’t have to mention filling it.”
Research by scientists at the Institute of Cybernetics in Paderborn (Germany) showed that half of adults do not grasp the meaning of phrases they hear if they contain more than 13 words. At the same time, seven-year-old children have difficulty understanding phrases composed of more than eight words. Therefore, one cannot but agree with the words of Anatole France: “Only that which is not difficult to understand is beautiful.”
Houseplants
Living green plants in the house are another essential element of a cozy interior. Do you think why all reputable offices try to decorate the interior with indoor plants (though more often with artificial ones)? Yes, because they create an atmosphere of comfort, make people feel comfortable in the workplace, which means they will work better.
What then can we say about living quarters? Naturally, indoor flowers will not only decorate the interior, but will also bring undoubted benefits. Firstly, indoor flowers can purify the air and have a beneficial effect on the energy of the home. Secondly, plants in the house can become healers of physical and mental ailments. And thirdly, indoor flowers can act as talismans.
Hidden compliments
Show interest in the person.
Any manifestation of interest in the interlocutor is a hidden compliment: everyone is pleased to know that he is interesting. It is important, however, that this interest be sincere. Feigned interest is easily exposed.
For your interest to be sincere, find what is really interesting to you about this person: something from his biography, work, family, events he witnessed. And then your interest will be genuine.
Start with what interests your interlocutor.
Each of us is happy to talk about ourselves and our affairs. Use this, start a conversation about what is interesting to your interlocutor, about him, about his problems. Look at the question you are interested in through the eyes of your interlocutor and present the question in such a way that it meets some of his interests.
Say the other person's name more often
. Everyone likes the sound of their name. When we want to convince someone, we involuntarily and quite often say his name.
The name should not be pronounced quickly, but with feeling and at the same pace as the conversation.
An experiment was conducted: at a production meeting, where they had previously been “tearing throats”, blaming each other, everyone was required to address their opponents by name and patronymic. Comparison with other meetings showed that controversial issues were resolved better and much faster. After all, often we need not so much to insist on our own, but to see that those around us listen to us and we mean something to them.
Four tricks to remember a name.
Very often we instantly forget the name (patronymic) we just heard when we met. To prevent this from happening, it is recommended:
- immediately upon hearing it, repeat it out loud, for example: “Very nice, Ivan Vasilyevich”;
- associate with the names and patronymics of people or historical figures you know. This association helps even when you have to take the first name of one character and the middle name of another (they can be of different genders);
- say your first and middle name several times to yourself if you can’t speak out loud;
- set yourself the intention of remembering your first and middle names: imagine that you will have the opportunity to contact this person a few months later.
Don't interrupt your interlocutor.
Many of us suffer from this deficiency. Men interrupt more often than women. Managers interrupt more often - and not only in communication with subordinates, but also in everyday life. By interrupting, we seem to say: “Listen to me, my thoughts are more valuable than yours. And I already know everything you want to say.”
They meet you by their clothes...
The first part of the proverb: “You are greeted by your clothes, but seen off by your mind” is very relevant if you decide to change for the better. If you're wondering how to become a likable person, start changing your appearance. Remember, the main role here is not played by an expensive and fashionable outfit, but by the person’s neatness. People who take care of their appearance, are well-groomed and neat, are always pleasant to others.
This advice is especially relevant if you want to create an impression of yourself as a pleasant person with unfamiliar people . Work on your style. Observe how people who have achieved some success in life look, take their style of dressing as an example.
To become a pleasant person, learn to smile . Control your friendly facial expression. Use this secret skillfully so as not to “overact”, because only a sincere smile can work a miracle.
A person who is pleasant to talk to is a charming person. Naturalness is the main criterion of charm. Avoid mannerisms, excessive looseness, remove pathos.
Non-verbal means
Be a good listener.
It is estimated that on average we spend 9% of our working time writing and 16% reading.
30% - we talk ourselves, 45% - we listen (or just pretend to listen).
In surveys on the topic “What is a good conversationalist?” the vast majority ranked listening first.
And this is no coincidence. Many of us are poor listeners. Often we only pretend to listen, waiting for the moment to speak up. And poor listening is a sign of disrespect for the speaker.
Plutarch also said: “God gave you two ears and one mouth. Why don’t you use them in that order?”
The answer is simple: listening is much more difficult than speaking. The speed of speaking is 4 times less than the speed of thinking. Therefore, 3/4 of the brain's capabilities are not involved in listening and are looking for use. And they usually find it in extraneous thoughts.
Eastwood Atwater (Atwater, 1984) gives the following interesting case:
The young woman decided to check whether people really listen to each other extremely poorly. During a cocktail party, she told her interlocutor in a secular tone: “By the way, when leaving home, I shot my husband.” “Oh, how lucky you are, darling!” - came the answer.
No comments needed.
When two men or two women talk, they interrupt each other equally often. When a man and a woman are talking, the man interrupts the interlocutor almost 2 times more often. As a result, a woman spends about a third of her conversation time trying to redirect the conversation.
Women pay more attention to the communication process itself, while men are mainly interested in the result. A man usually listens attentively only for the first 20–30 seconds, after which he begins to listen with half an ear.
Thus, in general, men are inferior to women as listeners. In each specific case, much depends on the character, temperament, upbringing and education of the participants in the conversation.
Smile
You are incredibly magnetic when you are happy. A special gift is to make others smile. Your positive attitude can bring tense communication into the right direction and makes those present relax. This creates the basis for a calmer and more constructive dialogue.
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Effective Listening Techniques
The most important thing is the so-called active listening.
The technique is that the listener tries to predict what the speaker will say in the next phrase. This is how the brain’s reserve capacity is used for the benefit of conversation. External manifestation is the words suggested to the interlocutor when he is looking for something suitable. An accurate clue encourages the speaker because it demonstrates the listener's interest, attention, and complete understanding. (However, this should not be overused. Anyone who often pauses, choosing the most precise words, may be offended by frequent hints.)
The second technique is to ask clarifying questions.
. They enliven listening, and the very process of formulating them is an additional load on our thinking, tying us to listening.
Third technique - active pose
listener: the body is slightly tilted towards the speaker. A person who listens attentively takes this pose involuntarily. This position not only makes listening easier, but also demonstrates interest, which is important in communication to create a favorable background.
Look for common ground
When you first meet, ask your interlocutor questions, trying to find common themes. Such a communication tool helps to get to know a person better and establish a business and friendly relationship with him. In a heated argument, do not rush to express disagreement, assess the situation calmly. People like ease of communication. Avoid complex terms. To have a positive conversation, put yourself in others' shoes. Feel how comfortable they are communicating with you.
Nod while listening
It is noticed that the person telling several listeners looks more at the one who nods slightly. This is understandable, because it is from him that he receives support: I understand you, I agree with you.
Use this technique. As you listen, nod from time to time. Since nodding means understanding, nod at the moment when it is natural to say “I understand” or “agree.” This is a very powerful way to win over your interlocutor. After all, a slight nod is usually done unconsciously, and not out of a desire to please the speaker. But it is precisely the manifestations of the unconscious that speak about the true attitude towards the interlocutor, which is why they are so valuable.
Show a little vulnerability
Talk openly about your little failures and weaknesses so that your friends will like you. Show joy in the achievements of others. This will help them feel important. The strength of confident individuals lies in the ability to show empathy.
Give compliments. People around them are drawn to and trust those who sincerely show interest in them. Condescension and calmness are character traits that will endear you to your interlocutor. To please people, try to ignore their outbursts of emotion, and resist the urge to criticize.
Smile
Don’t just smile, but smile at your interlocutor. A smile works wonders. We've all heard about people who made a career for themselves thanks to a beautiful smile.
The secret of smiling is this: actions are more expressive than words, and actions are more credible. A smile is an action that means “I treat you well. I like you, I feel good with you, I’m glad to see you.” A friendly disposition usually gives rise to a reciprocal disposition.
In many countries, employees are required to smile at the visitor - this makes it easier to resolve issues. Often in foreign offices there are signs addressed to clients: “Smile!”
Representatives of some professions are specially taught to smile: television announcers, actors, politicians, diplomats.
The outstanding teacher A. S. Makarenko wrote that through constant exercises in front of the mirror, he developed about a hundred different smiles, appropriate in different situations. His example is a lesson to others! This science is seriously studied in business schools. In particular, special mirror cards have been created with the image of a wide smile, which students, looking at their reflection, try to reproduce.
It has been established through observation that gloomy faces age faster. Gloomy people have a gloomy mood, which does not inspire favor with others.
How to be a sociable and interesting person with people: ways
Teaching communication skills is an art. Therefore, in personal growth and business trainings, a large block of theory and practice is devoted to communication. Let's figure out what methods help increase the quantity and quality of communication.
Take your time
Take your time to get acquainted and start communicating. Oddly enough, this is the first recommendation when teaching communication. A stranger will be annoyed by intrusive questions about family, education, and personal interests.
At the first contact, a greeting and a short conversation on general topics, for example, about the weather, events in the world, the country, are enough. Only at the next meeting can you deepen your knowledge about the person and tell a little about yourself.
Listen
Develop your listening skills. This is important so that the interlocutor is not loaded with unnecessary information about problems in your family, complaints about a difficult life, or embellished successes of your children. Good communication involves active listening. Ask questions on the topic of conversation, comment.
Look for similarities
Look for something in common. Sometimes completely different people collide in communication. But a sociable interlocutor will always find a common language with anyone. The secret is simple: he learned to take into account obvious interests and hidden ones. You can share experiences, opinions, interests with people.
The search for common topics for conversation can be carried out through suggestive conversations, for example, how was the weekend, what does he want to do. Such questions reveal the interests and values of the participants in communication.
Be willing to help
You can be confident and not shy in dialogue due to the desire to be useful. This is another secret to successful communication. Try to look for topics where you can be useful to a person. Your help to him can be in simply listening to problems and experiences.
Be reasonably confident
Confidence should be moderate. People are put off by excessive shyness and stardom. You need to be confident, know your worth, and stop being shy about expressing your opinion.
Take the initiative
Initiative is always commendable. In a conversation, it is wrong to just nod, listen and that’s it. Many people are even annoyed by this behavior. Therefore, sometimes ask new topics for discussion, insist on them, show in these topics your erudition, knowledge that you are an intelligent and interesting person.
Develop your humor
Develop your wit. In some companies, competition in wits is visible even to the naked eye. There is no need for this in dialogues, but sometimes you need to insert a funny statement or a witty phrase. Laughter always relieves tension; positive people are valued and people want to communicate with them further. Read this article to learn how to improve your humor and learn how to make funny jokes.
React
All people are not perfect, sometimes there are incidents in communication. You will be highly appreciated if you learn to turn negative aspects into a joke and emphasize positive ones. Cultivate the following qualities in yourself: do not be offended by trifles, do not react to provocations with rude statements. But there is no need to ignore the barbs directed at you.
If a person intentionally wanted to offend you, show that you are hurt, but forgive him. Such generosity will force him not to do this in the future. Noble behavior allows you to attract people and make friends easily.
And about
Eye contact
This is an extremely important part of communication. Looking at the speaker, the listener shows interest. Plus it makes the listening process easier.
The optimal duration of gaze is no more than 10 seconds. A longer stare may be perceived as challenging or embarrassing. The latter applies to people who are insecure or shy (and there are about 40% of them).
Meeting eyes usually lasts a few seconds - this is quite enough for mutual understanding.
The exception is the discussion of unpleasant issues: here, abstaining from visual contact is a manifestation of politeness and a demonstration of understanding of the emotional state of the interlocutor. On the contrary, a persistent gaze is perceived as interference in a person’s experiences.
Women are more prone to eye contact than men. Apparently, this is due to their increased attention to detail - to what men consider small things. Male rationalism in this case is an obstacle to more meaningful communication.
It has been noticed that they look more at those whom they admire or with whom they have established trusting relationships. Often, a man’s hostile or indifferent attitude can be recognized by the fact that, when greeting, he does not look at the interlocutor.
You can judge by the looks at what stage the conversation is at. When a speaker alternately looks into the eyes of his interlocutor and then looks away, this means that his thought is not yet finished. When he interrupted his speech and looked straight into the listener’s eyes, this means that he finished, now it’s the interlocutor’s turn.
When speaking, especially in front of a small audience, the speaker should try to look at each listener, thereby addressing the speech to each of them. The audience's perception of the speaker greatly benefits from this. On the contrary, if the speaker looks over the heads of the listeners or stares at one point, then the listeners qualify this as indifference or disrespect for them.
“Body language” is one of the ways to make a pleasant impression on your interlocutor
Scientists have proven that people perceive information like this: 97% of information is perceived through non-verbal signals, the rest through words. “Body language” performs the function of accurately expressing what a person feels, and secondly, it performs the function of deeper mutual understanding.
Nonverbal communication techniques to help you become a pleasant person:
- Visual contact – demonstrates interest in the conversation;
- Gestures and postures. (People feel inner comfort with an interlocutor who has expressive motor skills and who has a relaxed and animated facial expression);
- Personal space. (You need to know the limits of the permissible distance between interlocutors so that the person with whom you are establishing contact does not think that you are going to dominate the relationship).
Becoming a nice person is not difficult. The main thing is to want it, to set such a goal. Using the above recommendations, you will easily achieve success and become a sociable and pleasant person.
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Tags: how to please people, communication, becoming a nice person
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Touch
Friendly touch is a powerful way to dispose, but only for close people. Touching a stranger who is not in the mood for intimacy can cause a negative reaction. This is explained by the fact that touching means invading a person’s personal space, so use this method with caution. Teenagers are especially irritated by the touch of adults. After all, they have a keen desire for independence, so they try to avoid “calf tenderness” as a symbol of childhood.
For adults, the touch of a loved one is desirable - they acquire special value for the elderly, who, thanks to this manifestation of affection, feel needed and important, to some extent lost with retirement.
By touching a child, we show him our love, and this is the most important value for him. It is especially important to gently touch the baby after he has received punishment from us.
It has been established that among touches, stroking a child’s head plays a special role: it turns out that it promotes the development of his brain.
Experiments with baby monkeys have shown the need for touch for their normal development. In the absence of their mothers, one group of monkeys was given a teddy bear to cuddle up to as if it were a mother. These babies grew up quite healthy. And those cubs who did not even have such an opportunity grew up mentally disabled.
Signs of femininity
First of all, this is not an external ostentatious image, this is what comes from within the young lady. There are many beauties around in supposedly feminine dresses, but this does not give them femininity.
Thus, femininity is the meaningful satisfaction by ladies of their own innate needs, which are expressed in behavioral patterns and qualities. These qualities, as a rule, include subtlety, correctness, tact, tolerance, complaisance, devotion, gentleness, affection, restraint, calm, measuredness, charm, mercy.
Female immaturity is revealed in her failure to accept her own innate needs, in other words, the denial of her own nature.
Women who develop primordially masculine traits in their own person, in contrast to their hereditary carriers - men, rather evoke pity and sympathy, but not admiration.
The masculine traits of masculine women have a destructive effect on the inner world of women, behavioral patterns, personality and prevent the creation of a favorable environment around them. The Universe does not endow masculine women with energy for alien qualities that are unusual for it. As a result, such ladies are left without energy, become disappointed and exhausted.
Thus, young ladies who consciously or unconsciously excessively cultivate primordially masculine traits in themselves, such as firmness, self-control, responsibility, and stop cultivating feminine traits, are the most destructive and repulsive variation of immature young ladies.
Courageous women evaluate the well-being of their own existence in accordance with male standards of success.
Immature ladies are individuals deprived of expressed needs determined by their gender; they are disturbed by everything that would disturb persons who do not have satisfaction of basic needs, namely food, rest, clothing.
To satisfy their innate needs, young ladies need to develop feminine traits.
Psychology explains what femininity is from the perspective of four levels of the analyzed concept: physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual. She claims that to achieve femininity it is necessary to improve at all of these levels.
Achieving perfection on the physical level is as easy as shelling pears, since it includes the image of young ladies, consisting of sophisticated outfits that highlight the charms of the figure and reliably hide some of its flaws, well-groomed skin, the presence of a manicure, accessories that complement the image, clean comfortable shoes, neatly styled hair, light , unhurried, graceful gait, grammatically correct, measured, calm speech.
The ability to create a special warm and cozy atmosphere in the home can also be counted among the components of this level.
The emotional level implies harmony of nature and communication with the environment.
Femininity is the ability to:
– understand the needs of your loved one and give him what he needs without cultivating a sense of self-sacrifice;
- be able to forgive;
– do good without demanding the opposite;
- be able to admit when you are wrong;
– accept loved ones as real, without endowing them with far-fetched qualities and forcing them to adapt to a fictitious image;
– take a creative approach to solving problematic issues;
– support loved ones, inspiring them;
– thank, care, speak openly.
The key quality of the level described is the ability to love and receive love.
The intellectual aspect implies education, manners, erudition, and good manners.
Intellectual femininity includes the ability to:
– it is appropriate to speak (that is, the young lady understands when to say, to whom, where and what, she also understands that there is information that is better to withhold);
– behave adequately in society;
– delegate responsibility, giving others the opportunity to express themselves;
– have a personal position and correctly defend it;
– end disputes in a timely manner and make compromises;
– desire for self-education.
The spiritual level of femininity is the most difficult to achieve. Here we are not talking about the religiosity of the ladies. The key component at this level is gratitude.
Spiritual femininity implies accepting the blows of fate without complaining, with the understanding that this strengthens, helping others, supporting.
Partial femininity does not exist. Femininity must be balanced at all given levels. In addition, the presence of femininity does not require proof. It does not require verbal or other confirmation.
Rules of touching
You should not touch your interlocutor if he is in a bad mood or an unpleasant issue is being discussed.
People react especially painfully to arrogant and familiar movements: patting on the shoulder or cheek. Adults usually perceive this as extreme tactlessness.
By capturing the positive emotions of your interlocutor with your touch and repeating the touch to the same place at the end of the conversation, you can strengthen your partner’s affection for you after the end of the conversation. (This technique is described in more detail in the chapter on neurolinguistic programming, which talks about anchoring.)
Praise others and don't discuss
To please others, give up gossip. If someone starts discussing the appearance and actions of acquaintances, try to shift the conversation to another topic. Learn to sincerely empathize with the person and praise him in conversation. Emphasize with a remark an interesting moment in the dialogue, focus attention on the worthy qualities of the interlocutor. A person always likes it when people notice changes in his appearance: a new haircut, a beautiful suit.
Relative position in space
It has been established that, other things being equal, conflicts more often arise between people who are opposite each other. (It is no coincidence that the word “confrontation” means conflict.) Therefore, for conversation, it is better to sit next to or at an angle to each other.
People who cooperate or know each other well prefer to arrange themselves this way. This is favorable for reaching agreement. At the same time, a shoulder-to-shoulder arrangement is friendly and should not be imposed by a person unfamiliar or of a lower status.
Depending on gender, the preferences are as follows: women often prefer to talk from the side, men - opposite each other. The exception for women is cases of rivalry.
Textile
A house without textiles will more closely resemble an office than a living space. Fabric is a “living” substance, breathing and capable of storing the smells of your home (not only good ones, by the way). Therefore, a truly cozy home simply needs to be decorated with textile elements. These are all kinds of pillows and little thoughts, curtains and tablecloths, napkins and bedspreads. And, in addition, fabrics can also be used to decorate walls, create panels or other decorative elements of the interior.
Naturally, the fabrics must be natural, and all textile decorations must be clean. This applies not only to decorative elements or upholstery fabric on upholstered furniture, but also to things for quite practical purposes (towels, bed linen, blankets, rugs).
Interpersonal distance
Those who are more interested and determined to reach agreement sit closer to the interlocutor, while others sit further away. However, too close a location (up to 0.5 m) is perceived as intimate; distance from 0.5 to 1.2 m - for a friendly conversation; social distance (1.2–3.7 m) - for business relationships; public distance (more than 3.7 m) - to exchange a few words or no contact at all.
Usually a person intuitively positions himself at the appropriate distance. However, some adjustments taking into account the above will make it possible to use this resource more efficiently. After all, you need to think not only about your own convenience, but also about the convenience of your partner, about giving the conversation the right tone.
Women are more comfortable with their interlocutors being fairly close together. Elderly people and children also prefer to stay closer than middle-aged people, young people, and teenagers.
Interlocutors of equal status are comfortable with closer proximity compared to the situation when they are talking with a person of higher status.
Based on how the interlocutor is positioned (close or far, at what angle), one can make a preliminary judgment about his attitude towards his partner.
Smell
The smell of any home consists of many aromas, as well as neutral or even not very pleasant odors. If you maintain cleanliness, then there should be no unpleasant odors (from the trash can, toilet bowl, cat litter box) in your home. However, the source of such a smell can be a stale towel in the bathroom, a damp rag in the kitchen, a “choked” umbrella in the hallway, curtains on the windows that have not been washed for a long time, or books gathering dust in the closets. In short, almost any item in your home can easily become a source of unpleasant odor. Therefore - cleanliness and once again cleanliness.
In addition to the good natural smell of House, its “olfactory” image can be complemented by other scents. For this, use both ordinary air fresheners and special devices (sachets, scented candles, essential oils, etc.). The most cozy and warm smells are the aromas of vanilla, bergamot, mint, lemon or grapefruit, as well as the smell of cinnamon, verbena, fresh wood and coffee. And, naturally, the smell of baking, which no other (even the most exquisite) aroma can compete with. But it is advisable to neutralize all other kitchen odors. By the way, a hood that copes well with this task will help get rid of the smell of rancid fat, as well as the greasy deposits and soot on the walls and kitchen furniture.
Punctuality
“Accuracy is the politeness of kings” - this aphorism perfectly reveals the role of punctuality. There's nothing worse than being late for a meeting. Shakespeare also said: “It is better to arrive 2 hours early than to be 2 minutes late.” The validity of this is easy to understand when it comes to missing a train. But relationships between people are no less important than losses from a failed trip.
The only way to avoid being late is to plan to arrive a little earlier.
Then in case of unforeseen circumstances there is a reserve of time. Moreover, the rules of ethics require that you arrive for a meeting on neutral territory 5 minutes before the appointed time. If you are receiving a high-ranking executive, it is recommended to appear in his reception area 10 minutes before the specified time. © Victor Sheinov. Power of influence: obvious and hidden influences. — St. Petersburg: Peter, 2022. © Published with permission of the publisher
