Unfortunately, even the closest people are not immune from conflict situations. Often, parents and their growing or already adult children complain about misunderstandings with each other, and if this problem is not resolved in a timely manner, it can lead to serious consequences.
Active cooperation
Relations should move into the stage of active cooperation. You do not instruct, but suggest, do not order, but recommend. Let it all look like your teenager came up with the right decision himself, and you were only the guiding force.
A similar situation is recommended in matters of reconciliation after conflict. Offer your offended child an exchange of roles - let him imagine himself in your place in those conditions when your emotions went over the edge. Could he have behaved differently? Let him offer his model of behavior in this situation. Help him feel what you experienced.
Another tip is to use the child’s own name more often in conciliatory conversations. And not complete - it makes your speech coldly official, but not diminutive - then the child will think that you are flirting, “lisping.” The usual - Tanya, Kolya, Sasha - will sound trusting and inviting.
A few general recommendations that are suitable for children of almost any age:
- Begin your conciliatory conversation by sharing a similar episode in your life. As a rule, such stories arouse keen interest among our children. You can also slightly “adjust” the plot, bringing it as close as possible to the real situation that happened to you and your child. Let him understand that you also experienced something similar with your parents, but you understood, and most importantly, you forgave them.
- Occasionally, if the child is especially offended and does not make contact, try to sound a little sick. The sympathy and compassion that the child will probably experience for you, his care, participation and desire to help will become the psychological bridge between you that will help restore the relationship. The main thing is not to overdo it and use this method in exceptional cases.
- The technique of “mirror behavior” helps a lot. Observe what your offended child is doing, how your offended child is sitting, and try to behave in the same way, copying his actions. Just not in a comical, parody style, but as naturally as possible, as if by accident. This will certainly encourage your child to further contact, and therefore to reconciliation.
And finally, I will repeat once again - only your sensitivity, attentiveness and endless love for your child will help you correctly comprehend this complex science of educating the human personality!
Victoria Zueva
Criticism from my daughter
We sometimes don’t understand how adults can improve relationships with their mothers if the younger generation simply does not respect the older ones. Yes, there are situations when not only parents, but also children criticize. You often hear statements like this: “You haven’t achieved anything in life, and now you’re trying to tell me how to do it.” We try to evaluate the actions of our mothers, find mistakes in their behavior and do not hesitate to tell them about it. You need to understand that this is an extremely tactless position. All people can make mistakes. In addition, we are not always aware of the objective reasons for this or that behavior, since we did not witness everything that happened.
How to calm your mother when she swears and cries
Talk to her calmly
If your mother has come to tears, then you probably understand that she is really very upset and it is not easy for her to cope with the situation emotionally. Answering her in a similar tone is unlikely to improve the situation. Answer calmly, but this calmness should be sympathetic, but not indifferent or distant. Perhaps mom needs to speak out - don’t try to interrupt her. However, during pauses, choose the most necessary words that suit the situation.
Hug, kiss
However, more often than not, upset mothers need more than just words, but to improve their relationship with their child. She is unlikely to pull away if you hug or kiss her in a moment of emotional weakness. However, even if this happens, and she brushes aside your expressions of tenderness, do not even doubt that her soul will become much easier, and with your gesture you will only improve the situation.
Say that you appreciate and love him very much
It is important for a mother to hear words of love from her child - such confessions are never superfluous! It often seems to parents that their children do not appreciate all the sacrifices they make for their children, or do not even notice them. Perhaps there is also such a problem in your relationship with your mother? Tell your mom that you see how much she does for you and really appreciate her efforts.
Ways to resume communication
If you have a fight with your mother, you are overwhelmed with negative emotions that prevent you from concentrating on work, doing household chores, or communicating with friends and your partner. Even entertaining activities and pleasant events are not able to completely eliminate the aftertaste and bitterness that arise after a strong quarrel with dad, mom and other close relatives - the only thing left is to quickly make peace with them in order to again feel like a happy person, like in the good old days.
To get ready for reconciliation, psychologists recommend calming down after a conflict, thinking constructively, and acting thoughtfully. If you are not going to completely refuse communication with your mother, and plan to make peace with her in the future, why postpone the moment of resolving differences until later.
The sooner you establish relationships with loved ones, the sooner you can enjoy the joys of life without the aftertaste of sadness and regret. If the resentment toward your relatives is too strong and prevents you from taking the first step and apologizing, follow these steps:
Take a photo of your mother to better focus on her image. Listen to your thoughts and feelings, focusing on those that reflect regret about the quarrel with your mother. Realize that you would like to resolve the conflict, despite your own resentment and misunderstanding of your mother’s position.
It is important to understand that your mother was guided by her love for you, the desire to protect you, to protect you from possible troubles. Even if it seems to you that she is wrong, you need to respect her opinion, because you would like her to recognize your position
Think about situations when strangers thought you were wrong and condemned your actions. However, in your opinion, you could not have done otherwise under the circumstances.
Different interpretations and assessments of the actions of other people are a normal phenomenon, which reflects the meaning of the famous saying: as many people, as many opinions. Even without analyzing the situation, just feeling the need to make peace with mom, dad, grandfather or grandmother after a strong quarrel, stick to constructive solutions, such as the ability to be the first to say “I’m sorry.”
Having pacified your pride and resentment, try to improve your relationship. Most likely, the mother also regrets the quarrel and dreams of restoring peace in the family. The main rule of reconciliation is not to start voicing claims and accusations against your opponent again. Time will put everything in its place - if you think you did the right thing, the future will show how valid your arguments are. What to do if you quarrel with your mother:
Write a letter detailing the reasons for your dissatisfaction with her actions and actions.
Explain why her every word causes a storm of negative emotions, ask her to take into account and support your position. Have a frank conversation. Sincerely tell your mother and father about your concerns and feelings, listen to their opinions, and jointly find a compromise solution that will suit both parties. Don't prove yourself right
Remember that you came to make peace, and not to add fuel to the fire of family discord. Admit mistakes if you really understand that you were wrong. Hug your mom, tell her how important she is to you, how much you love her. A loved one cannot resist such a manifestation of warm feelings.
In order for reconciliation to take place without unpleasant incidents and surprises, it is better to be left alone with the person. You shouldn’t bring the showdown into public view – on the street, in a public place. Psychologists do not recommend involving third parties as arbitrators. Mom will feel uncomfortable due to the presence of witnesses to family disagreements. As a sign of reconciliation, you can go with your mother to a cafe, theater, exercise, or take a walk in the park.
How to make peace with your mother
After a strong quarrel, lies or bad deeds
Choose a suitable place for reconciliation. Of course, there should be no third parties present. Since the quarrel occurred between the two of you, you shouldn’t involve other people in solving the problem. An exception may be other close relatives who are also somehow hurt by your behavior.
Decide on the “right” time. Nothing should distract you or your mother from the conversation. Also pay attention to the mother’s mood - she should not be tired, irritated or in a hurry to get somewhere. In general, take care of the ideal conditions for conversation.
Start with an apology, then move on to explaining your actions. Of course, your apology should not look like a favor or condescension. Mom probably wants to hear sincere repentance and regret in your voice - she is unlikely to be satisfied with a formal apology.
If I'm to blame
If you realize your guilt, then this is already half the battle. Now it is important to convey to your mother that you really understand that you were wrong, and at the same time you are very sorry for what happened.
Explain to your mom what exactly prompted you to do this or that way, and what you intend to do if the situation develops in a similar way again.
Show not only in words that you were wrong, but also in deeds. Of course, this is not about trying to “appease” your mother with gifts - this is unlikely to help. Try to be more attentive to her, spend more time with her. Don’t forget to help your mother, to show care at least in small things.
Ask your mother directly how you can correct the situation and make amends to her. Surely, she will tell you what offended her the most, and how you could improve the situation. If you cannot fulfill its conditions, try in a calm atmosphere to find the most advantageous compromise for both of you.
Promise that in the future you will try not to make the same mistake. Of course, it would be ideal if you actually try not to make such an oversight again.
If she's wrong
If it seems to you that your mother is wrong in the current situation, then first you need to make sure whether this opinion is not your subjective one. Put yourself mentally in her place and try to understand why she had the wrong opinion. Perhaps this is partly your fault?
By being aggressive or showing dissatisfaction, you are unlikely to be able to achieve a positive result and improve relationships. Remember that your goal should not be to try to prove that you are right - it is more important to reach agreement. Talk frankly with your mother, offer to calmly discuss the situation and share your opinions about it with each other.
I hate doing homework
One day Bill was working with a boy named Jonah: he was fifteen years old and he hated doing his homework. But Jonah hated the constant scolding and control of his parents even more. When Bill asked Jonah to describe a typical family evening, the boy replied, “We usually have dinner from six to half past seven. Then I can watch TV from half past seven to seven. Then from seven to eight thirty I pretend to do my homework.”
Pretending to do homework for an hour and a half? Why not just make them? Partly because Jonah was tired of hearing common phrases from his parents:
“You only have one shot at getting into a good college and you miss your chance.”
“You will have to learn to do what you don’t want to do.”
“If you don’t do well in school, how will you get anywhere in life?”
Jonah's parents had good intentions, but all he perceived was that we know what's right for you, and you don't.
Imagine you are having a conversation with your husband or wife and he or she says something like this:
"How's your job? Did you like your project? You do understand how important it is that you take your job seriously, right? I mean, I understand that it's not always easy or simple, but it's time for you to try to get a promotion so that you have more opportunities in the future. Maybe you could work a little harder."
The meaning is clear: it would drive you crazy. And it bothered John. The only way he could assert himself was by not doing his homework.
How to properly apologize to your mother
Sincerely ask for forgiveness
The main thing in this matter is sincerity. Mom has lived longer than you, and most likely learned to recognize genuine and fake emotions. If you are largely or partly to blame for the argument, then, of course, your mother expects you to admit your guilt and apologize to her. Some people believe that asking for forgiveness is humiliation. Usually only strong people are able to admit their mistakes.
Write a letter or SMS with an apology
Perhaps it is difficult for you to start a conversation with your mother or the right opportunity has not yet arisen. In this situation, you need to find another way to convey your apology, and do it at least with the help of SMS or a paper letter. If a mother who is offended by you can brush off the conversation, then she will most likely still read your message, even if she does not admit it right away.
Sincere conversation
Of course, a sincere conversation will best help in this situation, but you should choose the right time for it. If you understand that now mom is clearly not in the mood for a conversation, then you should not force it. Prepare a good dinner or buy some goodies for tea and invite your mother to talk over the meal or tea.
Psychologist's advice
When you ask for an apology, it is important that you are sincere at the time. Remember that the interlocutor does not expect you to simply apologize; he often expects you to understand that you were wrong, and not just do him a favor by admitting a mistake.
It is important not to aggravate the conflict, but to resolve it, so if you see that the interlocutor is not at all in the mood for a conversation, then it is better not to impose, but to find another convenient opportunity for conversation.
Hatred of mother in an adult daughter. How to forgive and let go?
Hatred is a common reaction to indifference, coldness, and detachment. Women who hate their own mother have many social difficulties. They do not understand how to build friendships, what to base relationships with the opposite sex on, and, moreover, how to raise their own children.
You can work through the problem of an unhealthy relationship with your mother using the following methods.
A break up
As soon as you have the opportunity, leave your father’s house and start an independent life. Do not give in to persuasion to stay and intimidation that you will not succeed. Increase distance if necessary and reduce communication to short phone calls. It is likely that during the separation the mother will thaw.
Working with a psychotherapist
The main mental health message says: “If you think you need to see a psychologist, then you don’t.” A specialist will help you understand your feelings, find and eliminate old, childhood traumas.
The mother-daughter relationship begins at the very beginning
Getting to know a different point of view
Put yourself in your mother's shoes. Recreate in your imagination her life from childhood to the present day. What kind of people do you encounter? What hardships should you experience? Who showed you the most sympathy and care? This exercise will help you develop a sense of healthy empathy and analyze events from a different perspective.
List of thanks
Sit down at your desk and set aside an hour of your time to write a gratitude list for your mother. Remember all the moments when her actions warmed your soul. This will help you be more tolerant of her.
Refusal of idealization
Every girl has ideas about an ideal family. It is based on the life experiences of other people, seen in films and even literary images of “model mothers”. But more often than not, such templates are too flat and unviable. Accept your mother for who she is. Ultimately, she is just a person with her own shortcomings and weaknesses.
Forgiveness list
Sit at the table, concentrate, and write a few sentences in a column that will begin with the words “I forgive you for...”, where instead of an ellipsis, what is relevant in your particular case.
Now let's talk about what you shouldn't do in this case:
- You shouldn't take revenge on your mother. The thirst for revenge is a painful condition that forces one to commit rash acts. All that awaits you in the end is an indelible feeling of shame.
- You should not look for a “lifeline” in marriage. By marrying “the first person you come across” you do not solve your problems, you only shift responsibility for your own life onto the man. If your spouse is just a way to escape from your parents' home, be prepared for the fact that your relationship will inevitably deteriorate.
Demonstrative silence
Sit in the corner of the room, take a sullen pose and a hostile expression on your face, and with your eyes send offended glances at your parents... This is also not the best tactic in a quarrel. Yes, this “war” can go on forever - a day or two, and then you yourself won’t like it, because in this way you won’t achieve what you want, but will only worsen the situation in the family.
The worst thing is that other family members may suffer - brothers, sisters, grandparents and even pets - cats, dogs, rabbits... Often, two sides try to find allies in these people. Imagine this situation: you quarreled with your mother, told your younger sister about it, who shared the news with her grandfather, who did not share your opinion. And poor Tuzik becomes the last one - the favorite of the family, because both you, grandfather, and mother want to take a walk with him, but because of your conflicts, no one can decide who will do this task. Who benefits from this?
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Appease mom or beautiful forgive
Write a poem (your own or one you can find on the Internet)
Of course, most mothers are very sensitive to signs of attention from their children. If you need to apologize to your mother, then you are unlikely to seriously correct the situation with poems - first, it is advisable to talk frankly and admit your mistakes. But a poem for a “fixing effect” can be very effective. If you are a creative person, then perhaps it will not be difficult for you to write your own poem for your mother. Is this mission still too much for you? Then you can choose a suitable verse with an apology on the Internet.
Give a bouquet of flowers
Many women love flowers, and your mother is probably no exception. Surely, even a small bouquet of her favorite flowers will cheer her up. If it is customary in your house to care for perennial plants, then perhaps she will be even more delighted to have a flower in a pot. Most likely, you know your mother's tastes, and you can choose a bouquet to suit her taste.
Invite you to a cozy coffee shop for a conversation
Perhaps you and your mother periodically visit your favorite coffee shop? In this case, this establishment may be a great place for reconciliation! However, if you usually don’t go to a cafe with your mother, then there is a good reason to change this.
Make a collage of your photos together
Of course, your mother will be glad to receive your attention, and a collage with joint or personal photographs may be quite appropriate. Such a step may not be regarded as the main apology, but the collage may well become the “finishing touch”. Choose your mom's favorite photos - it's possible that she forgot about many of them, and she will be pleased to relive the memories.
Have an interesting time together
Many parents believe that grown-up children are very immersed in their own personal lives and practically do not devote time to their family. Admit it, this is often what happens. You can always fix this by spending time with your mother. You can do this in different ways - go to the cinema, watch a good movie at home, cook a delicious dish together and much more!
Is it possible not to quarrel with your mother, but to live in peace and harmony?
If you want to live in peace and harmony with your mother, then you can achieve this, even if she has a grumpy character. However, this circumstance is rarely the main cause of quarrels - more often mothers and daughters quarrel due to simple misunderstandings. Suggest to your mother not to swear, but to try to find a compromise in any controversial situations. At the same time, it is important to move from words to action, and not to “pull the blanket over yourself” in the event of a conflict, but to try to resolve the difficulties that have arisen. Well, and most importantly, you need to be more tolerant and remain calm if you understand that you are being unfairly accused. Most likely, your mother will appreciate your reaction and will listen to you just as calmly. If you realize that you are truly at fault, do not use the rule that the best defense is attack - have the courage to admit your mistakes.
What to do if you quarrel with your mother
Think about the situation
Think about why the situation turned into a conflict. Also think about whether you could have prevented such a development of events or whether it was completely out of your control. Before getting angry with your mother, assess the situation from several angles. Put yourself in your mother's shoes: how would you feel if you were in your mother's position in this situation?
Don't make excuses
Of course, it may be that you are not at all to blame for this conflict, but do not rush to look for excuses for yourself. In practice, it is very difficult to find a situation where only one participant is to blame for a quarrel. Having carefully thought about what happened, you, of course, will understand that its outcome is also your fault, and perhaps even to a greater extent.
Be more tolerant
Usually, after a conflict, people who love each other begin to reproach themselves and think about how this situation could have been prevented. Surely, it’s not easy for your mother now, and she is worried not only about the cause of the quarrel, but also about its very fact. Invite your mother to calmly discuss the situation. First of all, do not try to impose your opinion, but listen carefully to all her arguments. Even if your mother’s words seem absurd or unfair to you, control yourself. After calmly listening to her position, convey yours just as calmly. If your mother gets angry or interrupts, tell her that you want to talk to her when she is ready to listen to you without unnecessary emotions.
Be more proactive
To soften the situation, you do not need to show your resentment and do not help your mother in any way if you are in a quarrel. Respond to her calls for help, and take the initiative in household chores yourself.
Give each other time and space to think things through.
Most likely, you have already expressed to each other everything you think - and in unambiguous terms.
Now give yourself some time to be alone with yourself. You can sit in different rooms and think about what happened, but try not to spend the night in another place unless you think it is really necessary. By leaving the apartment, you add a feeling of indifference to an already difficult situation.
If the initiative to understand yourself and spend a little time alone with yourself comes from your partner, don’t pester him. Respect the decision he made and do the same - take time for yourself and try to sort out your feelings.
As a rule, the participant in the quarrel who is the first to decide to distance himself from it most likely does this because he sees its futility and decides to end it in order not to cause each other even more severe pain.
By stepping away at the right time, you may well avoid having to leave forever.
Well, it’s up to you to decide how far away from your partner you are and how much time you need to understand yourself. Only take the next steps on the path to healing when you feel that you are truly ready for them, otherwise they will not help and may even cause additional harm.
Child's rights
What rights does a child have according to the RF IC when parents divorce:
- In the event of divorce, the child may retain the right to housing. It does not depend on the fact of living with parents after the divorce in this premises.
- After the parents divorce, the child retains the right to further communication with all relatives.
- When dividing marital property during a divorce, the court will take into account the interests of the minor. Thus, the property of the child himself will remain inviolable property after the divorce of his parents. If one of the parents lives with him, he can use their property by consent.
- Every child has the right to receive child support from one of the parents after a divorce. The amount to be paid will be determined by the court.
- Over the age of 10, he has the right to express his own opinion in court about which parent he wants to live with, as well as in other cases when the interests of the child are affected.
