How to distinguish a healthy sense of attachment from emotional dependence?

In this article we will talk about what attachment to a person is, as well as how and when to fight it.

Affection is a feeling that manifests itself as a result of strong sympathy or love for a man. Usually it is accompanied by the presence of intimacy and the desire to maintain it. But this situation is not always positive, because attachment can become a substitute for love and arise even without its presence. In the latter case, this is already a pathology.

What does attachment to a person mean: concept, features

What does attachment to a person mean?
Attachment to a person is often confused with love. It represents a very strong emotional connection that is difficult to fight. When two people spend a lot of time together, they gradually become attached. As a rule, after many years of life, love may pass, but affection remains. Feelings are literally absorbed, behavior and lifestyle become habitual. So, when thoughts arise that a person cannot be there, a feeling of pain, fear and despair appears. But the people we become attached to are not always sincere. They can be self-serving. This also needs to be taken into account.

How to be a happy person with emotional dependence?

You have already realized that we easily become attached to most things around us, including people. And this can negatively affect our lives. Because we do not feel happiness and pleasure. When we miss those people or things to which we have an emotional attachment. Therefore, to be a happy person, you must learn not to get attached to people and let them go easily. There is no need to overly exaggerate the importance of a person in your life. And when such a moment comes, you must calmly let it go. Otherwise you will be deprived of freedom and happiness. You need to live in the present and focus on it. And make the most of your life in the moment.

Is attachment to a person good or bad?

People often ask questions about attachment to a person. In any case, is it good or bad. In this case, you need to understand how love generally differs from affection. In fact, this refers to only one quality - the pain of losing a loved one and the fear that this may happen. As a result, a person finds himself constantly tense. At the same time, love affection can develop into a disease, or even addiction. Her most important feature is intense love suffering.

However, getting attached is not always a bad thing. Smart people themselves can become attached to what will support them, as well as to those with whom they communicate well. At the same time, if they become attached, then for them it is conditional, that is, it works when required. If a person does not need it, then he is free. But the more often a person lives at the level of a human organism, the easier it is for him to become attached thoughtlessly and even to difficult people. Most often they cannot free themselves from it. A person-person who has a developed mind and will allows only useful attachments, and gets rid of all unnecessary ones.

Affection is good, but only as long as you and the other person need each other. They should not be sick, but rather playful. If the attachment is sick, then the situation is dangerous.

In general, being afraid of losing a loved one is bad, because living in fear is never good. When a girl is afraid to be alone, she agrees to enter into a relationship with the person she shouldn’t get involved with. The same thing happens when there is a fear of losing a loved one. Usually girls allow him to treat them with disrespect, rudeness and alcoholism. Fear does not allow one to think adequately, makes a person myopic and pushes one to make decisions that are only on the surface.

Relationships turn out much better when a woman is not afraid to be alone, calmly tells the person what is important to her, and also does not allow him to do what is unacceptable. She will love and cherish the man. If she approaches this wisely, she will take care of the man. The main thing is that he is good. Wise women know that everyone breaks up sooner or later.

Varieties of the condition

Psychological attachment can be healthy and sick. The first type is a conditional emotional intimacy that ends if the relationship becomes irrelevant. This can include a feeling of warmth and tenderness between a guy and a girl, and the cessation of communication after breaking up. Love passes, the couple ends the relationship, starting a new life. When attachment makes a person unfree, brings pain and suffering, the feeling turns into a neurotic disease that needs to be fought. In this case, even the very thought of the absence of the object of attachment causes pain, its real absence causes fear, suffering, and mental breakdown. Attachment gradually turns into an unhealthy dependence that is difficult to get rid of.

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Reliable

A stable emotional connection between people was first described by John Bowlby. The essence of the theory is that a person becomes attached to someone who shows care, warmth, and love towards him. A reliable type is formed from childhood, when the child calmly plays with children and toys, but periodically checks where his mother is. In adulthood, this type of relationship turns into attachment to a loved one. A man values ​​a woman, has deep feelings for her, but allows her temporary absence. When the relationship deteriorates and the couple separates, everyone begins to live their own lives.

Remote

When close people are separated, a feeling of emptiness, loneliness, and boredom appears. It is normal for loved ones to miss you and look forward to meeting you. The problem arises when a person, deprived of an object of affection, begins to panic, shows helplessness, obsession, and cannot live normally and fulfill the responsibilities assigned to him.

Alarming

There are 2 types of attachment: anxious-stable and anxious-avoidant. In the first case, a person experiences discomfort when the object of adoration is lost from sight, in the second, he shows emotional lability and does not react in any way to the absence or long-awaited meeting. A person demonstratively ignores, although in fact he feels a need for an object of affection. This type of behavior is present in children who were abandoned by their mother and then returned, and in adults when the chosen one or chosen one makes mistakes and then tries to make peace.

Neurotic

Considered as a pathological mental disorder. The child cannot let go of his mother, he does not leave her one step. The lover is “on a short leash”; the girl cannot communicate with other men due to the excessive jealousy of the chosen one. Signs of neurotic attachment:

1. Denial of other relationship options: “Without him there is no life,” “Without her, life will lose meaning.”
2. Constantly together. The girl does not let the guy go to his friends, the man does not allow the woman to go shopping on her own.
3. Uncontrollable jealousy out of the blue without the slightest reason.
4. Obsessive desires: “I need to be loved more than life itself.”
5. Greed. The neurotic type of love is characterized by insatiability. I want more of everything.
6. Fear of being rejected. A sick person cannot be refused. An unanswered call or refusal of a planned meeting turns into a real tragedy. The thought of ending a relationship brings unrealistic mental suffering, and if this actually happens, threats of suicide will follow.
7. Self-deception. A person invents an object of love for himself and does not even suspect that he does not know how to truly love. A neurotic lives in an illusion and cannot accept the true state of things.
8. Attempts to evoke pity. A dependent person suffers humiliation, but cannot dot all the i's. He does everything to be pitied, because he suffers and is in pain.

Is strong attachment to a person love?

Strong attachment
It is important to learn to distinguish between love and affection for a person. In essence, love is a storm of emotions. She is never apathetic or passive. So, when people are simply attached to each other, they don’t have much passion or happiness. In this case, there is anxiety and paranoia.

When a person is simply attached, he thinks only of himself. This is not love, because when this feeling arises, you want to take care of the other person. The other person's feelings become more important. So if this is not the case for you, then you should think about whether you really need such a relationship.

Love fills you with energy, but affection takes it away. It binds while love liberates.

Sincere love gives you the feeling that you are safe. Being around the right person makes you feel calm and easy. But attachment is already a burden. If jealousy is still present, it will ultimately destroy the relationship.

Love allows you to gain new opportunities, but with attachment, people fight for dominance in relationships. Real soul mates allow you to feel freedom. They have a lot of energy and want to live. And when a person has only attachment, it makes him strongly doubt and try to control the situation. And that means terrorizing your partner.

These are just a few differences, but they show exactly what the difference is and that it is easy to notice. If you realize that you are attached, then fight it as soon as possible, because attachment may turn out to be unhealthy. But it's not all that simple. Many people don’t break up for years, simply because they are afraid to change something.

What are you experiencing

How to understand whether you are dependent on a person and whether there are too many restrictions in your life?

Attachment turns love into a bad habit when people lose the ability to exist without each other even for some time. Let's look at how it can arise and how to determine what your relationship is built on.

• If a couple has a common home/business, etc., or one of the partners is more comfortable, then for the second he is the personification of material comfort. Parting with him is associated with the loss of the usual standard of living.
• Often immature individuals or people who have received psychological trauma as a result of past negative experiences are afraid of loneliness.
  

  People in a couple can drive each other crazy, but they will not break the union.

  They will call it love, but there is attachment out of fear of being alone and unwillingness to leave the comfort zone. Comfort here simply means the usual way of life. They may not like what happens in their lives every day, but they will prefer such a routine to the uncertainty that follows a breakup.

• Unhealthy relationships can arise due to excessive selfishness of one of the partners. If the other one accepts the rules of a one-sided game, then after a while he will begin to feel needed, only realizing the needs of his “half” to the detriment of himself.

Why attachment to people occurs: reasons

When attachment to a person appears, this is normal. It is on this that all relationships in society are built. Even with mutual benefit, close relationships can also arise, but these connections are unstable and are interrupted when the benefit disappears.

If a connection is based on mutual affection, then it can last not just years or even decades. This allows people to be confident in each other, provide support and psychological comfort. Thus, attachment is healthy when it ends when it is unnecessary, and also unhealthy when the relationship is toxic and has a bad effect on a person’s mental state. However, as practice shows, people do not admit that their attachment may be unhealthy and do not even try to get rid of it.

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Attachment to a person: signs, psychology

Signs of attachment
Attachment to a person is psychological in nature when he cannot imagine life without his beloved and tries to constantly be in touch, even if there are other things to do. If a loved one is not nearby, then the addict will experience devastation, and if the separation is long, then he will generally become depressed.

So this very fact can indicate the presence of attachment. At the same time, a dependent person acts only to satisfy his own needs, and the feelings of his partner are of little concern to him.

There are also differences in emotional perception. When a person is in love, he feels freedom, he enjoys spending time together, he is cheerful and strong. Each person lives his own life, supports the other, but does not give up everything. When a person is dependent, he always feels bad because he tries to make his partner his property and tie him to himself. Such a desire has little in common with love.

How to recognize

Attachment is a state when you are drawn to a certain person, you want to be with him, see him, feel him. Mental disorder can be identified by several signs.

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Strong attraction

A person experiences a painful attraction that prevents both him and his partner from living a normal life. He tries to limit the freedom of the chosen one or the chosen one by hook or by crook, only so that the object of desire is nearby. The thought of breaking up leads to deep depression. The attraction is so strong that a person is ready for literally anything. He endures humiliation, insults, forgives serious mistakes, and turns a blind eye to many things.

Increased anxiety

It appears along with low self-esteem. Anxiety arises for any reason when the partner is nearby or absent. It seems that he has cooled down, does not experience the same feelings, and does not pay enough attention. A depressed state, nervousness, and increased anxiety manifests itself when the other half is not around. It seems that the chosen one or chosen one is with someone else.

Dependency on partner

Psychologists distinguish between healthy and pathological addiction. All relationships between a man and a woman are codependent. Everyone receives something and gives something in return. Unhealthy dependence on a partner is a state when one partner allows himself a lot, while the other forgives because he cannot imagine life without him. An addicted partner never feels happy and calm. He always tries to please, worries whether he did the right thing, or whether he inadvertently offended. A tense emotional state leads to nervous tension and emotional exhaustion.

How to get rid of painful attachment to a person: methods, tips

Be prepared for the fact that attachment to a person does not go away so easily. This process is time-consuming and there are many obstacles to overcome. As practice shows, women, at least to some extent, always try to cling to affection for an unworthy man.

So, attachment can be of different strengths. If it is not too strong and you feel that you can handle it yourself, then try the following method of getting rid of it:

• To begin, imagine that you are cutting the rope that binds you. That's all! It cannot be restored. You have decided to leave and will not return under any circumstances. Be sure to repeat this like a spell
• Avoid meetings. And don't even try to answer calls. Your task is to refuse any contacts for at least a month, so as not to break down and come back
• Get rid of memories. Hide everything that might remind you of him in a far corner, or better yet, get rid of it completely. Let all this not catch your eye and not stir your memory.
• Change yourself. Start changing your appearance - at least a haircut, you can change your clothing style or manicure. In other words, you must at least change something in your life
• Get busy. Chat with friends, work, find yourself a hobby. You shouldn't have free time to distract yourself from sadness.

As you can see, everything is quite simple. It is important to pull yourself together and become a little stronger. You will definitely succeed.

Changing the line of behavior

Having figured out what the difference is between love and affection, and having come to the conclusion that you have become a hostage to the latter, it is logical to ask yourself what to do about it all. We will give advice with several options:

Feeling like a creator

If you are the one tying the knots, then you definitely have an ace in your hands. Observe yourself and start adjusting your attitude. Try to be sincerely interested in what is important to your partner. For example, if he is a football fan, go to a match together. If contemporary art inspires her, buy two tickets to the exhibition. It is important to first obtain a little information - about the rules of the game and the teams, about the representatives of this movement and the artist whose exhibition you intend to admire on Friday evening.

This will provide you with topics for conversation, during which you will be sure to look at your partner in a new light.

Yes, but... how do you know if it's love or affection? Believe me, everything will happen by itself. By looking at your “other half” differently, you will either fall in love with him in a new way, or you yourself will decide to let him go. Having experienced in practice the difference between these two feelings, it will become easier for you to give an adequate reaction and manage your behavior.

How to get rid of attachment to a married man?

How to get rid of attachment to a married man?
Attachment to a man who is married can be very strong. It often persists for years. At the same time, the man is not even going to leave his wife. Why do this? Everything suits him - his wife takes care of him, he is reliable with her, and he also has a passionate mistress who gives him thrills. Moreover, in the end it will be the mistress who will be the fool, because she is trying for someone else’s husband instead of finding her own. Please note that attachment to a married man is painful and in most cases futile. At the same time, the woman herself may understand that the situation is difficult, but not know how to cope with attachment.

In fact, the very method of getting rid of this is no different even for unmarried men, but still, you must remember that your relationship has no prospects. Think about it, are you ready to be a mistress for years until you are exchanged for a younger version?

However, there are several methods that are clearly not worth using:

• Bad habits . If you get carried away with alcohol, start smoking, eat unhealthy, and so on, then your health will be ruined, and your suffering will not go away. Bad habits are not the solution to the situation, so there is no point in messing with them.
• Disorderly sex life. If you are serious about sex, then it is better not to even try to have a relationship with someone. This behavior will only make the situation worse. The fact is that you will not only have worries, but also more shame, or even worse, for example, a sexually transmitted disease.
• Don't compare him with others . All men are unique, and therefore one cannot be compared with another. Each of your fans has their own merits. But don’t even think about your lover.
• Don't make excuses for him . You must understand that the bad thing is not even that he is married, because if a man loves you, he can really leave the family, but that he is simply using you to satisfy his own needs. There is no need to justify him by saying that he is afraid of offending his wife, he has children, and so on. It's not worth wasting time on.
• Don't immerse yourself in suffering . Most women like to appear before everyone as a universal sufferer, and therefore they cannot get rid of attachment. This allows them to continue to feel sorry for themselves. Of course, you can indulge in suffering for several days and cry your heart out, but that’s all. You need to calm down and not continue to play the victim.

Yes, it is very difficult to get rid of attachment, but you simply must do it, at least for the sake of yourself and your loved ones. You cannot live with addiction, because then the taste is lost. Allow yourself to become happier and freer.

“Kill” the romance in yourself

Romance and real life are incompatible. A lifestyle full of romance is exploited by all and sundry. These are those who are not lazy and clearly understand what they are doing and why. But those who fall under the spell of this image end up with emotional dependence.

The more romantic a person is, the less adequate he is, since he is tuned to a certain energy exchange with the world. Moreover, he may not have a partner, but he already has the mood for a “long, joint, romantic life.”

This mood is what the person to whom the romantic becomes emotionally dependent comes to. But the romantic calls it “love” and behaves accordingly. Until he faces the fact of a deafening and painful breakup.

Only after coming to his senses many months later, the romantic realizes that Pushkin was right when he said, “the less we love a woman, the easier it is for her to like us.” Everyone who is familiar with such relationships intuitively guesses this, but few people manage to stop “loving” by force of will.

Therefore, this article is for those who would like to “fall out of love,” but cannot. Especially for those who are faced with the fact of breaking up their relationship. And also for those who can’t forget their ex-love/partner/spouse.

The mechanism of the emergence of “love” and the emotional channel.

Where does love begin?

Love begins with an uncontrollable outburst of sympathy, seemingly out of the blue. So it is true, but not quite. Such outbursts of sympathy are initially MUTUAL, and cannot occur without a mood for a certain energy exchange of each of the two.

This mood is read so quickly by the subconscious that the conscious mind does not have time to react and give a digestible form to this outbreak. If the mood is “wrong”, such an outburst will not continue. 99.9% of them have no continuation and are quickly forgotten.

But, if one “sees” the potential of the other, “reads” the mood as “that one,” the flash of sympathy passes into the material-verbal-tangible phase. In life, this looks like an attempt to talk to the person you like, invite you for a cup of coffee, for a walk, or to the cinema. Even a smile is an invitation to go further, to transform what is still a virtual acquaintance into a closer relationship. Already at this level, a CHANNEL of energy exchange arises, through which energy flows from one to another. The channel is opened by the one who is more interested in continuing the acquaintance.

If the other reciprocates, the energy exchange takes on a new form, still unclear to either one or the other. At this stage, the energy exchange is unstable, and can stop at any moment when one decides that “I didn’t like him/her.” The consequences of the appearance and disappearance of the channel are usually not noticed. Well, really, no one has ever met when the first meeting turned out to be the last.

But if the energy exchange suits both, a flash of sympathy develops into a closer acquaintance, into close relationships, and in some cases into love and family.

Each phase is characterized by its own state of energy exchange between partners, and is determined only by the quality and quantity of energy that partners put into the channel.

If each of the partners invests real actions, a piece of soul, strength, feelings and emotions into the relationship equally, then such couples live happily ever after.

But if one of the partners begins to pull the “blanket over himself”, giving energy into the channel of the wrong quality and quantity, then such a relationship becomes dependent. This happens because the other partner is more romantic than the first. A romantic lives in illusions, dreams and builds in his mind a virtual happy life with a partner, wishful thinking.

At the same time , the one who more adequately perceives reality, who is less interested in the relationship, becomes the leading partner in the couple. The leading partner gives less energy into the channel, and the other, the driven, needs to give energy “for two” in order to restore balance.

As soon as one feels the imbalance of energy exchange not in his favor, his Ego begins to rebel, realizing that by the will of the “owner” he has fallen into an energy trap. And the “owner” is busy pumping up the channel with his energy, in the hope of restoring the elusive interest of the leading partner.

It turns out that a person himself, voluntarily, having the hope of returning “love”, does not find a better use for his energy than pushing it into the channel formed when sympathy arises. And on the other side of the channel there is almost always complete satisfaction with life.

How to get rid of attachment to a man: recommendations, tips

Get rid of attachment
To overcome attachment to a man, you first need to develop a plan taking into account your own individuality. There is no specific cure for this. However, you can develop such a plan yourself, but to do this, use several recommendations:

• Learn to distract yourself . When sadness comes over you and you start thinking about the object of your affection, try to immediately switch to other topics. You can think about anything. For example, read a poem in your head or sing a song
• Look for flaws in it . Remember everything you had with him. Nothing can be perfect in any relationship, and you probably had some of it too. There is definitely some negativity. But you need to try to forget everything good quickly
• Accept help from loved ones . You obviously need it to effectively overcome attachment.
• Don't sit alone. Try to lead an active life without locking yourself at home. First of all, you will have no time to suffer. In addition, the chances of meeting a good person will increase significantly
• Remember that time heals. You can even make yourself a calendar and cross off a day every day. It will get easier every day
• Learn to enjoy the little things . Learn to simply enjoy life. All problems are temporary and pass. You will definitely get rid of them
• Start doing spiritual practices . Learn meditation, and you can also take up religion. Just in the latter case, don’t get too carried away so that you don’t develop another addiction.
• Get yourself a pet . You can transfer some of your affection to him. Moreover, you will have someone to take care of
• Treat attachment like a disease . You have to convince yourself that attachment is a problem. Try to get rid of it as quickly as possible
• Love yourself . You should love yourself more than him. You can become attached to yourself and it’s not scary, but you shouldn’t get involved with an unworthy man.

If you have already tried all the methods, but have not been able to get rid of attachment, then do not despair, because in this case professionals can also help. Psychologists will definitely help you, explain what mistakes there are and tell you about the reasons for attachment. The main thing is that you can trust a specialist, otherwise nothing will work.

Test

It is necessary to conduct the psychological test “Love and affection in relationships” if you doubt your partner’s feelings and yours. Answer questions as honestly as possible.

The test consists of 8 points, select the desired letter, then calculate the total points and read the results:

1. How do you feel when you meet your loved one on the street, at university, or see that he is online on social networks? A) My heart beats quickly, I’m embarrassed - 3 B) I’m very worried, but I calm down quickly - 1 C) I don’t notice it right away, sometimes I can pass by - 0.
2. How quickly did your romance develop? A) They fell in love at first sight - 1. B) They got to know each other for several weeks - 2. C) The romance developed carefully, slowly, the first kiss happened a month later - 3.
3. What attracts you most in a partner? A) Appearance - 1. B) Internal content - 3. C) Wealth (money, career) - 0.
4. When you break up for a long time, how do you feel? A) I’m very worried, I miss you - 3. B) I don’t notice the separation - 0. C) I’m jealous, I think that she (he) is cheating on me - 1.
5. How does your partner influence you and your personal development? A) I do strange things, I’m disorganized - 1. B) I’m developing, trying to be more educated, well-read - 3. C) I don’t notice any changes - 0.
6. Does your partner have flaws? A) Yes, but they touch me, we are trying to get rid of them together, adapt to each other - 3. B) No, he (she) is ideal - 1. C) Yes, and this really infuriates me, irritates me - 0.
7. How do you feel about your relationships? A) We have little in common, probably they are not destined to last long - 0. B) I want my partner to devote his entire time to me, to be constantly nearby - 1. C) We both believe that we are made for each other , we are thinking about a future together - 3.
8. If your partner falls in love with another person and leaves, how will you feel? A) Hatred, rejection, resentment. I’ll definitely find a way to take revenge - 1. B) Pain, but I can overcome it, because it will be better for him (her) than living with an unloved person - 3. C) Nothing, it’s high time to end this relationship - 0.

Test results: 1-6 points You definitely do not have serious feelings for your partner. This is a temporary shelter, you are probably waiting for someone else. It's better for you to break up now and start looking for true love. 7-10 points Your sympathy for each other is like a habit or a strong attachment. Most likely, this is a selfish feeling. Each of you thinks first of all about yourself, strives to fulfill your desires. The passion will soon pass and the feelings will cool down. 11-24 points You are in a wonderful state of true and deep love. Appreciate your partner and his reverent attitude towards you.

How to overcome attachment to a person: reviews

Many people turn to forums for help. So, there are a lot of tips on how to overcome attachment to a person. They are all good in their own way. We invite you to read several answers from those who have overcome attachment:

Review 1

Review 2

Review 3

Review 4

The Importance of the Attachment Bond

During the first year of life, we form an emotional connection with our primary caregiver, which is known as attachment . Through these relationships and the type of connections we build, each of us will gain a range of emotional abilities. We will apply them in our future interpersonal relationships.

If this connection does not happen, it will cause big problems in the future. This is one of the consequences that is explained in Bowlby's attachment theory. It explains the deep sense of abandonment that many people experience, even when they are surrounded by their loved ones. Let's look at an example to try to understand it better.

Change your emotions

Emotions such as anger, resentment, fear or sadness are very common in people who are afraid of abandonment . You need to learn to reduce their intensity and decipher what they really mean. When you do this, you can turn them into something positive.

Negative assumptions and expectations are also elements that must be taken into account . Most of the time, our thoughts influence and reinforce our fears. They make them much bigger than they should be. If we are afraid that our partner will leave us, we will be more attentive to their behavior and words. We often misinterpret them to confirm the fears within us.

As we can see, treating fear of abandonment involves a process of recovery . This is a process that takes time. We need to learn to prioritize and expose our fears. There is something we shouldn't forget. In many cases, what we perceive to be happening on the outside is nothing more than a projection of what is happening inside of us. If you can identify with any of these symptoms, then we encourage you to find help and healing before it is too late.

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Emotional wounds of being left behind in couples

As we see, there are wounds, such as feelings of abandonment, that, although we cannot see them, are hidden in the deepest part of us. They are capable of determining many aspects of our lives. Many situations that we experience in childhood leave their mark on us. If left untreated, they can tear us apart inside without even realizing it.

Bowlby, in his attachment theory , found that emotional bonds formed in childhood continue as patterns in the adult world. Khazan and Brave also confirm this fact in their investigations. They showed that adult relationship behavior is shaped by mental representations that originate in the relationship between the child and their parents.

Thus, we can see that the fear of abandonment has its roots in childhood. They are the ghosts of the past that return, bringing with them all our insecurities. They try to remind you that you are not worthy of love or good treatment from other people. They usually appear because the brain receives an alarm signal.