How to learn to communicate with people: rules of effective communication and practical exercises

I recently watched an online meeting with a talented and wise person and teacher Dima Zitser, “You can’t love to train.” When asked what to do with a child who puts everything in a basket in a supermarket, Dima replied: “Wasn’t it possible to discuss with the child in advance why you are going to the store? Decide what you will cook, what you need to buy for dad, mom, grandma, grandpa, brother or sister (what they love) and for the child himself?”

But really, you just need to talk to each other, explaining and coordinating your actions! It’s just a matter of talking correctly with a loved one, a colleague, a relative, an acquaintance, a neighbor - and those problems that worried us, wore us out, did not allow us to sleep (“Why did he say that?”, “How could she?”, “It was necessary to answer like that"), suddenly they turn out to be ghostly and disappear into thin air.

As psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya said, the ability to build communication with other people and convey to them meanings that are important to oneself is one of the components of emotional intelligence. And Stephen R. Covey. in the bestseller “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” he calls communication one of the most important skills in a person’s life.

Why can't I communicate?

Most often, the inability to successfully communicate with other people is based on problems in the field of psychology. It can be:

• shyness;
• low self-esteem;
• fear of “blurting out” something stupid;
• fear of expressing your opinion;
• problems with diction (lisp, stuttering, burr, etc.).

The causes of these problems often stem from childhood, when communication skills are just being formed. Here are some of the factors that can lead to communication problems:

1. Rooted complexes.
2. Serious emotional shock.
3. A long period of loneliness due to various circumstances, and as a result - social degradation.
4. Severe restrictions on communication with peers (parents did not let the child leave the house, did not allow him to communicate with other children).

These are all quite serious reasons that require careful and long work with a psychologist. They manifest themselves in the fact that a person cannot even adequately respond to an appeal to him. He withdraws, hides, and can run away.

If a person can carry on a conversation, but does not consider himself a good conversationalist, then this skill can be practiced. There are a lot of different personal development trainings. They, of course, can inspire, but without regular practice, the theory is meaningless. That is why I have selected the most interesting and effective exercises for you. But before we get started, let's learn the basic rules for successfully communicating with people.

Tips for Improving Your Nonverbal Cues

Use those nonverbal cues that reflect the essence of your words.
Nonverbal communication should support verbal communication without contradicting it. If you say one thing, but your body language says something else, your listener will likely feel that you are being deceitful. For example, you may not be able to say “yes” while shaking your head in denial. Tailor your nonverbal cues based on the context of the conversation and the setting. The tone of your voice, for example, should be different when speaking to a child than when speaking to a group of adults. Also, take into account the emotional state and cultural background of the person you are communicating with.

Use body language to express positive emotions, even if you don't actually feel them. If you're nervous about a situation—a job interview, an important presentation, or a first date, for example—you can show confidence, even if you don't actually feel that way, through positive body language. Instead of hesitantly walking into a room with your head down, looking away and squeezing into your chair, try straightening your shoulders and standing with your head held high, smiling and maintaining eye contact, and giving the person you're talking with a firm handshake. This will make you more confident and help put the other person at ease.

Rules for successful communication

The famous speaker Dale Carnegie published the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People” more than 80 years ago. In it, he described the most effective basic communication techniques and rules that will help introverted and shy people become excellent conversationalists. These rules remain relevant to this day.

1. Genuinely showing interest in other people. Often we find it more pleasant to talk with those who are interested in our personality and ask various questions regarding our opinion and experience. Therefore, be sure to ask questions to your interlocutor. But don't turn the conversation into an interrogation with bias. Everything should be natural and sincere, and for this you must experience genuine interest in your interlocutor.
2. Smile. A person who smiles evokes positive feelings in us. Even if we don’t know him personally. During a conversation, your smile is proof that the interlocutor is pleasant to you and you like talking to him. Just try to avoid a fake smile. Smile not only with your mouth, but also with your eyes, soul, and heart.
3. Proper name. From birth, the sound of our name is the most pleasant sound. Therefore, always address others by their first and middle names if necessary. The name indicates the individuality of a person, his originality and uniqueness. This is the simplest compliment you can give someone. Just call him by name.
4. Listening skills. In conversation, people usually prefer to talk more than listen. Often they simply wait for their turn to speak and do not try to listen and understand what they are told. Especially during an argument. If you listen carefully to your interlocutor, ask him clarifying questions and successfully use phrases that he said earlier during the conversation, then you will pleasantly surprise him. Listening and hearing your interlocutor is much more important than speaking.
5. Interesting topics for conversation. Talk about topics that are interesting to your interlocutor, and finding out about them is quite easy and simple, using rule No. 1 - showing sincere interest. When a person talks about something exciting, his eyes light up. Even if this topic does not seem particularly interesting to you, still try to listen. Surely you can learn something valuable and interesting for yourself.
6. Compliments. Each of us has unique characteristics that are worthy of admiration. Try to notice them in your interlocutor and sincerely express your admiration, approval, and praise. Your compliments should not be exaggerated and resemble undisguised flattery. Falseness always feels good. A timely, sincere compliment will be very pleasant to your interlocutor and will make the conversation even easier and more relaxed.

Quick Ways to Relieve Stress to Continue Effective Communication

To cope with stress during communication, do the following:

1. Notice when you get nervous. If you're nervous while communicating, your body will let you know. Are your muscles or stomach tight and/or sore? Are your hands clenched? Is your breathing shallow? Do you “forget” to breathe? Take a moment to calm down before continuing the conversation or putting it aside.
2. Ask your mind for “help” and quickly pull yourself together by taking a few deep breaths, squeezing and relaxing your muscles, or, for example, remembering a calming, positive image that evokes positive emotions. The best way to quickly and reliably reduce stress is to listen to your senses: vision, hearing, touch, taste and smell. But each person reacts differently to sensory sensations, so you need to find what works for you in a calming way.
3. Look for a drop of humor in the current situation. If you approach it correctly, humor can be a great way to relieve tension during communication. When you or others start to take things too seriously, find a way to cheer everyone up by telling a joke or a funny story.
4. Be willing to compromise. Sometimes, if both you and your interlocutor are able to give in a little, you can find a middle ground that will suit and reassure all parties concerned. If you realize that the subject of the conversation is much more important to the other person than it is to you, it may be easier for you to compromise, while laying a solid foundation for the future relationship.
5. If necessary, stand by your opinions. Before returning to the situation, take a break so everyone can calm down. Take a short break and step away from the current situation. Take a walk outside if possible, or meditate for a few minutes. Physical movement or rest in a quiet place to restore inner balance can quickly relieve stress and calm you down.

Useful tips for those who want to communicate well

The 6 rules of successful communication considered are the basis, without which it will be quite difficult to win over your interlocutor. In addition to these rules, I want to give you a few more tips that will help in communicating with people.

1. Maintain eye contact with the other person during the conversation. Your gaze should be open and friendly, not depressing or putting pressure on your interlocutor. Practice in front of a mirror if you are not sure that you can look another person in the eyes correctly.
2. Always try to keep your back straight and your shoulders back. This is a powerful signal that you are open to communication and are not afraid to engage in dialogue. A confident gait and gestures will complement your image of a successful person.
3. If you just can’t get rid of shyness and excessive restraint when communicating with unfamiliar people, try to imagine that this is your old acquaintance whom you just haven’t seen for a long time. As a result of such a pleasant experience, your gaze will become softer, your gestures and posture will become more open and friendly. Taken together, this will help to win over the interlocutor and erase unnecessary psychological barriers that make communication difficult.
4. Develop attentiveness and sensitivity towards your interlocutor. Learn to read the emotions and reactions of your dialogue partner. This will help guide the conversation in the right direction. Also, remember as much information about the interlocutor as possible. Subsequently, you can show your interest in him. This will flatter any person.
5. Expand your horizons. Read different books to have something to talk about and tell. Be interested in what is happening around you. Then you will become an interesting interlocutor, capable of maintaining a conversation on any topic. A broad outlook is an integral attribute of a person.

To remain a pleasant conversationalist with whom people enjoy communicating, you should never:

• complain about fate and discuss your problems;
• use obscene language, speak poorly of mutual friends and spread gossip;
• harshly criticize your interlocutor, say that he is wrong and stupid for thinking so;
• choose topics for conversation that are interesting only to you.

So, we got acquainted with the basic rules and tips. Now it's time to move on to practice. After all, theory without practice will not be of any use.

Tips to help you better interpret nonverbal communication

Keep in mind that everyone has their own individual characteristics.
People from different countries and cultures tend to use different non-verbal communication gestures, so when analyzing body language it is very important to take into account the person's age, cultural background, religion, gender and emotional state. An American teenager, a grieving widow, and an Asian businessman, for example, may use nonverbal cues differently. Analyze nonverbal signals comprehensively. Don't look for too much meaning in one gesture or nonverbal signal. Consider all nonverbal cues you receive, from eye contact to tone of communication and body movement. Anyone can sometimes make a mistake and look away, for example, and let the eye contact slide, for example, or briefly cross their arms, without implying anything negative. To better understand a person's true thoughts, analyze his nonverbal signals comprehensively.

Exercises to practice communication skills

Communication skills need to be constantly trained. This is the only way you will learn to communicate easily and freely even with strangers.

If your shyness and timidity do not allow you to even approach a stranger, then you should seek advice from a psychologist. The following exercises will help you practice your communication skills.

Conversation with furniture

Every day tell your table, chair or indoor flower about how your day went, what interesting things happened. Try to hold back your fit of laughter and take this practice seriously.

This exercise will help you express your thoughts coherently, logically and competently, not get confused in them, and also adjust your facial expressions and gestures. If you can’t have a conversation with furniture, then a pet would be an even better listener for this exercise. A dog or cat will always willingly listen to the stories of its owner.

Monologue in front of the mirror

Go to the mirror and start saying out loud the thoughts that come to your mind. Gradually try to connect them logically, consistently developing them to create an interesting story.

This exercise will help you understand how you look from the outside during a conversation, learn how to write coherent sentences and establish contact with yourself. It is enough to exercise for 10 minutes 2 – 3 times a week.

Retelling

Surely you have a favorite blog or site that you read every day - for example, the “In Your Home” blog. This will be very useful when performing this exercise. After reading another article, try to retell it as closely as possible in terms of meaning and logic of construction. If the article is very long, then retell it gradually, in 3-4 paragraphs.

This exercise develops the skill of thinking and speaking at the same time. Thanks to it, your speech will become more coherent and meaningful. To achieve good results, you need to exercise daily.

Development of someone else's thought

The exercise begins by turning on the TV or any video on the Internet. Listen to the speaker for 30 seconds, then turn off the sound and continue his thought for the next 30 seconds.

This training develops mental flexibility and teaches you to find non-standard solutions. Exercise 10 minutes a day and you will be pleasantly surprised by the results.

5 strangers

The best training for developing communication skills is communication itself. Train yourself to start a casual conversation with five strangers every day. Not less! These could be random passers-by, from whom you can ask the time or clarify the route, a consultant in a store, to whom you turn for advice on choosing a product... In general, there should be no problems with finding strangers. They surround us literally everywhere. You just need to leave the house.

To practice your speaking technique, I recommend you watch this interesting video:

Content

• What determines the quality of communication?
• What is the most important thing in communication?
• Listening technology
• Hearing technology
• Micro-hearing technology
• Establishing a confidence distance
• Stories about yourself
• Questioning and interrogation technology
• Humor and irony
• Technology and types of non-negotiation
• Ending a conversation
• Answers to listener questions

We see that the communication process is curtailed very much. People talk to each other less and less. If you used to be amazed by situations when a young couple was sitting in a cafe and both were staring at their phones (it was like a symbol of a new era), now this is so common that it no longer surprises anyone.

That is, people gradually forget how to communicate. But if you can’t stop this trend for everyone, then for people who have their heads on their shoulders, for them it can be slowed down. That is why we chose this webinar topic.

If a person thinks incorrectly, then he cannot speak correctly. Today, lengthy discussions do not fit into the pace of time and the thinking of the future. Therefore, in order to speak well, you need to think well.

Hearing technology

You need to hear everything that is said

This means simply physically hearing. To do this, you must first of all not be distracted. A person is mainly distracted by some visual temptations and distracted by his thoughts.

Moreover, he is distracted by his thoughts in different ways. Sometimes it’s simply because the person is talking rather boringly and you don’t want to waste time. But sometimes it’s the other way around - he says something so important that you immediately have your own thought, you want to think about it further and you get distracted, you don’t hear what the person said next.

In this case, it is important for the one who is speaking to feel it and give the person a pause to think about some of the words.

You need to understand what is being said

Not only to hear in the sense that you can repeat what was said, but also to understand what is being said. And this is more difficult - you have to strain, sometimes ask again. You have to pack everything that is said in your head.

When you listen, there must also be a parallel process of memorization. A normal person remembers well the essence of what is said if he was able to pack it in his head - compactly, briefly, most importantly, and all this while listening.

Therefore, during pauses, you need to compactly retell what you heard, and sometimes even specifically stop the speaker, retell the essence of what was said and get confirmation that you understood everything correctly.

Technology and types of non-negotiation

1. Non-speaking can be like a protest against interruption. A very good way. You are sitting in a group, talking, you started to say something and were interrupted. You start your own - they interrupt again. In this case, you don’t need to interrupt yourself. It's better to wait to see if someone asks you to continue your words. If no one asks, then it means no one is interested. If someone asks, you continue.
2. Non-disclosure also happens when everything is already clear.
3. Non-speaking is like a listening test - without finishing one story, you move on to another to evaluate the listener’s reaction.
4. Non-statement as a test for the acceptability of a topic.
5. Axiomatic omission - you do not say anything and do not draw any conclusions, and the listener himself makes the conclusion.
6. Intriguing omission - not saying enough to intrigue.

Introverted man

Both women and men can be introverts. Some psychologists believe that introverted men are more common than women. Depending on gender, there are some special ones in the same psychotype. So, the man is an introvert. Who is this?

They prefer a cozy home environment, have a narrow circle of close friends, and do not know how to demonstrate their feelings and emotions. Introverted men are quite secretive and closed in their inner world. They prefer correspondence to long conversations, they do not like to hug and do not allow anyone to disturb their peace and order.

A positive character trait of such a man is observation; he knows how to be attentive to the woman he loves and always knows how to please her.

If you find the right approach to such a man, then a reliable rear is guaranteed forever. An introverted man is considered a monogamist; if he is comfortable next to the woman he loves, he will do everything possible and impossible to make her happy with him.