How to learn to communicate with people and become an interesting conversationalist

In this article we will tell you:

Differences between communicating with people and speaking
Reasons for the inability to communicate with people
6 rules for communicating with people
8 exercises to learn how to communicate with people
Psychological techniques in communicating with people

How to learn to communicate with people, to be heard and to be able to listen are natural questions, because we all live in society and interact with each other. If a person is sociable and easily finds a common language with others, then his life is simple, he feels like a “fish in water.”

However, there are people who find it difficult to make contact. Don’t despair, as it is quite possible to develop effective communication skills. And in this article we have collected for you the most useful tips and effective recommendations in this regard.

Differences between communicating with people and speaking

Communication is an important element of every person's social life, so we need the right communication skills every day. But, unfortunately, for many, effective communication is the prerogative and the main component of the arsenal of business psychology. They are sure that “ordinary” people who have nothing to do with negotiating or attending important meetings do not need to learn something like this and, what’s worse, it makes no sense. Such reasoning is a huge mistake, which can later “cost” a lot.

Communication is an important element of our life. Thanks to the ability to competently express your thoughts, convey feelings, clearly convey your position, and also listen, you can achieve great success in your career, make friends, find support, build a strong partnership, and improve relationships within your family and marriage.

Experts are confident that most conflicts and disagreements in a person’s life, including personally (marriage and divorce), arise precisely because people do not know how to communicate and negotiate. How many people around the world suffer from loneliness and lack of love, just because they are afraid to talk to the one they like! That's why it's so important to learn how to communicate with people.

In general, one thing is clear - communication skills are necessary for each of us. And they are our chance, as well as the main tool for success and victories in all areas of life. Famous leaders and world politicians, diplomats and other important people certainly would not have been able to reach their “peaks” without being such bright and courageous, convincing speakers.

For example, Steve Jobs became so popular not only because of his innovative computer developments, but his ability to speak in public is what first attracted attention and the media to him, which is what made him so “special.” The legendary beauties from the past, depicted on the canvases of great artists, in fact do not amaze with their beauty at all. However, in memoirs and historical chronicles they are all known as ladies. Those who knew how to skillfully present themselves, as well as individuals who competently participated in conversations, could support any topic.

By the way, it is worth noting that the concept of “communicate” is not the same as “speaking”. Communication is a complex system that includes what we say and how we say it. And the second is much more significant, because the listener is primarily influenced by timbre, posture and gestures, and only then does the meaning of the words we speak reach him.

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And finally, our feelings and thoughts that we keep deep inside ourselves. They influence the listener's reaction. Thus, it evaluates and determines our communication skill as well as character.

What is the reason for our inability to speak? It's about fear, shyness, fear of making a mistake, expressing your opinion, seeming stupid. Also often the “root of evil” can be self-doubt, low self-esteem, problems with diction and appearance. The basis of all these problems is psychology, which helps to look for their origins from childhood.

After all, often in adulthood we forget many unpleasant moments that once upon a time became the “first bell” for the development of harmful emotions and self-doubt in us and which at the moment have a strong and, as a rule, negative impact on our lives and actions .

How to become an interesting conversationalist in any situation

Below you will find recommendations that psychologists often give.

Show genuine interest in the person you are talking to

Self-obsession is one of the biggest enemies of healthy communication. Try not to think about what they will think of you, what you look like during the conversation, what impression you make.

Pay attention to the person opposite you. What does he look like? What does he say and how? Does he have an interest in the topic raised? What are you worried about? Don’t be shy to ask clarifying questions: this will show your interest and participation. By switching to your interlocutor, you will not leave yourself a chance for personal experiences.

Don't try to seem perfect

It's okay to make mistakes. By the way, many experiments have shown that people are more favorable towards those who make cute mistakes. For example, he drops pasta on the table during lunch or somehow distorts a word in a conversation. Vulnerabilities make us human. Take off your armor of perfection! It will be easier for you to get along with people.

Look for connecting “threads”

Find win-win topics that you can discuss with anyone. This does not necessarily have to be conversations about nature and weather. Discuss mutual friends and tell us what connects you with them, ask about the interests of your interlocutor. I have listed many other conversation topics for a variety of occasions in a separate post.

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Communicate as equals

No matter what age, social status or level of erudition the person in front of you is, remember that, first of all, he is just a person.

This is not about communicating with an interlocutor twice your age in a cheeky manner, clapping him on the shoulder in a familiar way. No. The point is to feel equal to anyone, not to fawn, not to look down, not to try to please with all available methods, but to see in him a person with his weaknesses and the same imperfections as everyone else.

Change your way of thinking

For example, you are talking with a stranger and are very worried that you are not making the impression on him that you would like. Replace frightening speculations with positive ones: imagine that you already know this person very well and know for sure that he respects and appreciates you. This will allow you to relax a little and communicate more naturally.

Another example. If you begin to notice that a person looks away during your speech, thereby seeming to show a lack of interest, give his behavior a different meaning: think that at this moment he may simply be shy and think about how he looks in your eyes.

Adapt to the way your interlocutor speaks

We all speak at different speeds. And we perceive and assimilate information differently. If the person you're talking to speaks slower than you, it means they need a little more time to think. Try to slow down. Matching speech rates has a beneficial effect on mutual understanding.

Here I would like to touch on the topic of taboo. What is better to refrain from during a conversation:

from complaints about life, about the government, neighbors, colleagues, spouses, etc.;
from other negativity;
from nagging, pointing out errors and inaccuracies in the speech and behavior of the interlocutor;
from moralizing, unsolicited advice and criticism;
from an excessive number of questions and requests to the interlocutor;
from unnecessary details regarding your personal life and other inappropriate details;
from gossip and washing the bones of those who are not nearby at the moment;
from specific terms that may be unfamiliar to your interlocutor.

Reasons for the inability to communicate with people

The most common causes of communication problems include:

embarrassment, timidity;
low self-esteem;
fear of saying the wrong thing, of being stupid;
inability to express one's opinion;
problems with pronunciation and diction.

But the incentive for all this could be:

complexes, especially those “born” in childhood;
emotional turmoil
loneliness, social exclusion and degradation;
strict boundaries and restrictions in communication, most often set by parents in relation to peers.

All this must be carefully and time-consumingly eliminated and worked through with the help of a competent specialist. After all, these problems get worse every year, make a person withdrawn, unsociable, provoke in him the desire to hide, run away, and become invisible to others.

This will also be relevant for people who know how to carry on a conversation, but do not consider themselves a good or worthy interlocutor for others. For this purpose, a great variety of courses and trainings have been developed that can inspire and become an excellent basis for practice in reality.

Thirst for change

There is a situation when a person outwardly looks successful, because he has many acquaintances, a normal job, and smooth relationships with close people. In this case, where does the annoying thought come from: “There is not enough communication, what should I do?” Very often the reason for this state lies on the surface: the person is overcome by elementary boredom. Monotonous life, constantly flashing faces, monotonous work lead to the idea of a lack of communication. Everything is so boring that I don’t even want to talk to anyone.

In this case, it is recommended to change the situation. Maybe it’s worth finding a different place to live, new friends, and inventing a new hobby. Any changes will be beneficial, since new information will appear, and the old problem will disappear forever.

Advice for young mothers

“There is not enough communication while on maternity leave, what should I do?” is a question that concerns almost all young mothers. Women face this problem immediately after childbirth or some time later. There is no need to dramatize the situation, because maternity leave allows you to get your baby back on his feet and return to his previous physical shape. To avoid getting bored, you need to take the advice of experts:

Don't try to be perfect. If the status has changed, this does not mean that responsibilities and excessive demands have increased. There is no need to try to do everything, you need to give yourself time to recuperate after childbirth.
Don't focus solely on the child. If a mother devotes her time only to the baby, she will have problems in her personal and social life. And the baby will grow up spoiled, which will have a detrimental effect on his future fate.
Take time for yourself. If a mother takes care of herself, her husband, her child, and everyone around her will like it.
Communicate more. You shouldn’t sit within four walls, you need to go out and contact people. This way you can get a lot of positive emotions and make new friends.
Going out into the world without a child. It will be great if young parents do not forget about spending time together. It is also useful for a young mother to sometimes go to a friend's house or go shopping.
Involve your husband and relatives in caring for the child. If there is not enough communication while on maternity leave, you need to allow yourself to rest or do what you love. After all, not only the mother is obliged to care for the baby, the father and other relatives will do it with pleasure.
Raise your intellectual and spiritual level. This is the most important thing that can be advised, since the future fate of the family will depend on personal growth. If mom doesn't lag behind the times, it will raise her self-esteem, which will have a positive effect on her psychological state.
Learn to dream. Having given birth to a child, a woman has already fulfilled the main goal of her life. But this is just the beginning, because from this period all the fun begins. A representative of the fair sex needs to indulge in dreams in order to make promising plans for her future life.

The basics of working on yourself

It should be understood that a lack of communication skills is easier to change than a lack of communication skills. The first is the inability to establish contact, that is, ignorance of the basics of the communication process, strategies, rules. Sociability is the inability to establish contacts due to personal characteristics. Therefore, I suggest you two areas of work:

To improve your communication skills, it is enough to remember the material in this article and practice regularly.
For personal changes, you need to establish the reasons for failures (write down what preceded unsuccessful contacts). After this, delve into the study of a specific problem, for example, shyness, suspiciousness, aggressiveness, and so on, and also study methods of self-regulation for what cannot be changed, for example, character accentuations, temperamental characteristics. In some cases, a visit to a psychotherapist may be necessary.

How to overcome shyness

Shyness is the most popular reason for failures in communication. I want to look at it in more detail.

Don't shy away from conversations. Whatever discomfort you feel, communicate with different people. Find something interesting and enjoyable for yourself.
A popular misconception among shy people: you only need to say smart things. Give yourself permission to say trivial things.
Allow yourself to be a child, but not irresponsible, but spontaneous and cheerful. Remember how easily children begin to talk to each other.
Learn to be spontaneous. Tell jokes and life stories.
Help people. Sometimes, due to shyness, a person cannot even say “thank you,” which is perceived as arrogance and anger.
Control your face, watch your smile.

Unfortunately (or fortunately), shyness and similar traits can only be overcome using the “wedge by wedge” method.

What to do if people annoy you

Try to find the true reasons for people's behavior. For example:

A chatty woman is probably lonely.
An arrogant person is shy.

Learn to pay attention to the positive traits of people, and not petty manifestations.

How to communicate with the opposite sex

Difficulties in communicating with the opposite sex are usually caused by parental scripts and stereotypes. Forget all the “shoulds”, allow yourself to be yourself and form your own idea of your partner. The basis of the work is drawing up realistic expectations and requirements for yourself and your partner. What are you missing?

How to be attractive to your interlocutor

Communicative attractiveness, or attraction, consists of the following provisions:

Do not skimp on personal addresses (by first name or first and patronymic). This subconsciously evokes positive emotions and interest, and is regarded as attention and respect.
Do not forget to smile and maintain an “open” face, be friendly.
Don't avoid compliments and praise. Encouragement is pleasant for all people.
Always let your interlocutor speak. If you are not interested or have already heard about it, then listen patiently with a friendly face.
Operate with knowledge about your interlocutor (zodiac sign, hobby, temperament).

Diagnosis of your skills

In the course of communication, people have a strong influence on each other's personalities. It is possible that your communication does not work out due to intolerance to criticism, since as a result of communication, the claims and intentions of the parties, their thoughts, emotions and feelings always change. I suggest you evaluate yourself as an interlocutor.

I advise you to take a communicative competence test (author V. E. Levkin) so that you know what you are dealing with. I will ask you to answer 5 questions as honestly as possible. Remember that over-reporting is just as bad as under-reporting. In the first case, you run the risk of perceiving yourself and the world inadequately, and in the second, you run the risk of acquiring uncertainty and becoming passive. So answer each question honestly on a scale from 1 to 7 (how strong you are on each scale).

The ability to listen and hear, to listen and listen, the ability to force listening.
The ability to convey one’s thoughts clearly and accurately, in a language understandable to the interlocutor, the ability to persuade.
The ability to understand and take into account people's emotions, motives and intentions, the ability to motivate.
The ability to communicate to control your emotions, maintain clarity of mind and understanding of the meaning of actions.
The ability to prevent and resolve conflicts, find a way out of pre-conflict situations.

If an ability receives a low rating, it means it needs to be developed. To get the overall result, multiply all the scores and add up the total.

15043-16807 points (90-100%) – excellent.
11682-15042 points (70-89%) – good.
4959-11681 points (30-69%) – satisfactory.
1598-4958 points (10-29%) – weak.
1-1597 points (1-9%) – very weak.

If you doubt your assessment or want to know how others see you, then ask someone to answer these statements about you.

Thus, you have obtained a result regarding overall communicative competence and individual abilities. Now you know your weaknesses and strengths. It's time to act!

Heavy character

People with this problem also lack communication. If a person is too closed, has a pessimistic attitude, does not trust anyone and deliberately does not make contact, sooner or later a lack of communication will arise in his life. People are afraid to deal with incomprehensible, secretive personalities. It is enough to misbehave a few times and you will get the impression of an unbearable character. Introverts and phlegmatic people should try to have more contact with people; over time they will learn to do this correctly.

Attention deficit

Some individuals lack communication with people due to a lack of basic attention. One person is content with communicating with a narrow circle of close people, while another lacks round-the-clock contact with a large audience. He constantly craves new acquaintances and dreams of compliments, applause and admiration addressed to him. This is an absolutely normal situation, since all people have different temperaments. Those who lack recognition must change their lives so that they can become the center of attention. A smart decision would be to enroll in a drama school, take personal lessons, excel in your hobbies, attend more parties or organize them at home.

Literature on the topic

If you are interested in astrology and believe in the power of the zodiac signs, then I advise you to purchase the book by I. O. Rodin and T. M. Pimenova “How to communicate with this or that zodiac sign in order to always win?” In the book, each sign is sorted into thematic blocks: description of the sign itself (general characteristics, behavior at home and at work, habits and leisure, characteristics of children, men and women); interaction tactics in a positive way (how to get a subordinate to work, establish contact with a boss, build personal relationships, behave in everyday life and in bed) and in a negative way (how to provoke and win a scandal, get a divorce, get around a colleague); compatibility with other signs. I’ll say right away that I don’t welcome a block of negative recommendations, but anything can happen in life. Maybe you will find it useful.
For other readers, to broaden their horizons and improve their communication skills, I advise you to read the work of O. G. Ridetzkaya “Psychology of Communication: A Reader.” It presents very extensive material for the theory and practice of communication. The features of communications based on character accentuations are analyzed.
I also recommend that you read the book by T. A. Tarasova “The Art of Communication: for those who want to learn how to communicate skillfully: a workbook.” This is material for practice: self-knowledge and self-correction. The phenomenon of communication is divided into blocks, for example, “acquaintance”, “oratory”. Tests to determine personal qualities, practical exercises, and recommendations are given.
Another practical guide to improving communication skills and developing the ability to constructively influence people is B. Burg’s book “From Opponents to Allies.” This is popular science literature that describes in detail each principle of successful interaction.