The more you learn about how psychopaths operate (their modus operandi), the better prepared you will be to avoid their manipulation. Previously, we analyzed the three stages of the parasitic lifestyle of psychopaths:
- assessing a person's potential usefulness, weaknesses, and defense mechanisms;
- impression management and manipulation to gain favor and then drain resources;
- relationship breakdown is the stage at which a person ceases to be useful to a psychopath.
We have repeatedly found that in stories told to us in emails, letters, and interviews, many victims were unaware that they were dealing with a psychopath until it was too late.
Despite the fact that all these stories differed in some details, the feelings, attitudes, behavior patterns and consequences described by the victims developed into a certain pattern, or process. Next, we will look at each of its phases through which victims of manipulation go.
Phase 1: The Seductiveness of Psychopathic Fiction
First impressions can be deceiving. Unfortunately, most of us may initially like a psychopath, because undeniable charm, good looks, eloquence, as well as skillful use of flattery and self-indulgence create an attractive image.
However, the impression made by a psychopath is reminiscent of the beautiful cover of a bad book. Unfortunately, there is one difference between books and people: we rarely buy a book without flipping through it or without at least reading reviews, the same goes for buying a TV or a car - you are unlikely to take such a step without first studying their characteristics, but the mask of a psychopath is often taken at face value.
Because psychopaths present themselves in different ways, you may fall for their bait many times. Therefore, it is wise to be cautious (and even suspicious) in at least a general assessment of any new social contact, especially if it has the potential to affect your life in some way.
At a minimum, you should update your first impression of a person as you learn more about them, and have escape routes in case you expose them or become uncomfortable around them.
Suicides
Suicidal behavior is another problem that relatives of patients with a psychiatric diagnosis may face. And the most unpleasant thing about this behavior is the fact that a suicide attempt is difficult to predict. A person can carefully hide his intentions if he has made a final decision. Sometimes the patient manipulates in order to attract attention or gain some benefit. However, distinguishing between a demonstrative patient and a patient who has decided to commit suicide can be difficult and sometimes impossible. The most dangerous is the so-called extended suicide, when the patient decides to “save the suffering” of other people, for example members of his family. And first he kills his relatives, and then himself.
Phase 2: Forming a Psychopathic Bond
Subtle charm and skillful manipulation can convince you that a psychopath likes you. During long conversations or meetings, he will try to convince you that he shares your beliefs, passions and views. As a rule, this happens unnoticed; in fact, psychopathic manipulation can be so subtle that you will come to the conclusion that your views are similar simply by listening to the psychopath talk about his life.
Of course, all the stories it tells are carefully thought out and tailored to your hot buttons. In almost all the cases we analyzed, what all victims of psychopaths had in common was the desire to find a kindred spirit, a person who shared their values, beliefs and life experiences.
You may feel pleasantly excited, believing that the psychopath actually has sympathy and respect for you. Additionally, you will begin to believe that your relationship with him, personal or professional, will progress.
Many people reported to us that at this stage they shared personal information with the psychopath, believing that his story was truthful and deeply personal. They had no idea that they were being lied to and that most of what they heard was just fiction.
Over time, the psychopath will make you believe that you two are special, unique and destined to be together. These insidious people try to present themselves as ideal friends, employees or business partners. This can require a lot of time and effort from them, and they usually do this in secret. The psychopath's affection, unfortunately for you, is feigned and exists only in your imagination.
Paying attention to the formation of attachment is an excellent preventive measure. Be careful and don't rush to believe anyone's words. Building a meaningful relationship takes time, as well as common sense and careful judgment. If you feel that a person is too good to be true, try to prove to yourself otherwise.
Living with a Psychopath
You can live with a psychopath. And you can even live happily. True, for this you need to be just like him, a psychopath. That is, to profess and adhere to the same principles in life as he does. If not, then your life with him will turn into an eternal hell, from which you can only get out by escaping from the “inadequate”. Don’t even hope to change it, since psychopathy is a state of personality and psyche, and therefore incurable. With modern methods and medications of psychotherapy, psychopathy can only be slightly corrected.
Photo from the site bm.img.com.ua
Phase 3: Complicity in the Psychopath's Game
Once the psychopathic connection is established, you will find that your partner uses your vulnerabilities to gain your submission and strengthen the relationship. Surprisingly, this kind of “tug of war” often strengthens, rather than weakens, such a connection. This is especially true when you, against your will and against your own interests, do what is asked of you in order to maintain a strong connection.
A healthy relationship is harmonious: each participant gives something and receives something. A psychopathic relationship is usually one-sided: you give, and he only receives (money, housing, sex, power, control).
Often friends, relatives and colleagues, seeing what is happening, try to warn you, but you refuse to listen to them. You choose to ignore phrases like “He’s not right for you,” “It’s better to end this relationship,” or “I wouldn’t trust him,” and you may even lash out at your family and friends. Such alienation is only to the advantage of a psychopath, because, having lost support, you will be completely in his power.
If you find yourself in the network of a boss, co-worker or emotional tyrant, try to find external confirmation of your feelings. If you see that your relationship with this person is causing you harm, it's time to end it.
In many cases, family members, friends and co-workers can help you and provide psychological support during the transition. Additionally, if you have been assaulted, you will need the advice and assistance of law enforcement and qualified professionals.
Show your radical
“A personality disorder is a pathological makeup that prevents a person from adapting, behaving adequately, and acting in such a way as to get out of different situations with minimal adverse consequences,” explains the professor. — Such people have a limited range of possibilities and solutions, unlike a normal person. However, they are able to foresee the consequences of their actions.
Without any prerequisites or symptoms...
Photo: Grigory Sysoev / RIA Novosti
The range, by the way, is limited only in conditions of crisis, or, as doctors say, decompensation. When, due to additional stress and failures, psychopathic personality traits appear so clearly that they become noticeable to others.
— A person with a personality disorder will always react to decompensation with his personal radicalism. The psychasthenic will go into depression, the schizoid will completely stop communicating with people, the hysterical will behave demonstratively and start breaking plates. If we consider decompensation from the perspective of possible harm to others, then we should pay attention to personality disorders associated with increased aggression. These are dissocial personalities (sociopaths), unstable and emotionally labile individuals - too excitable and hot-tempered. Decompensation in such people leads to aggression, unreasonable conflicts and even harm to others.
How to recognize such a person? It’s by these signs that you can recognize it. Yes, they have a reduced ability to adapt, and, yes, they are difficult in everyday life. But in the absence of psychotraumatic factors, in comfortable conditions, such people can be in a compensated state for a long time, that is, live and work normally, be in excellent relationships with loved ones and work colleagues.
Phase 4: Self-doubt, guilt and denial in psychopathic manipulation
The unprincipled, deceitful and manipulative behavior of psychopaths often leaves the victim baffled and destructive. Some victims are tormented by doubts and blame themselves for what happened, while others deny the problem altogether. In any case, doubts and fears about psychopaths turn into self-doubt.
The situation is greatly aggravated if the victim cannot convince others, including family members and friends, that the cause of the trouble is not her, but someone else. “Everyone thought I was the problem,” is a phrase often repeated by those who have dealt with a psychopath.
Unfortunately, it is difficult to convince a person who is the victim of a psychopath that he is not aware of what is happening. Even if presented with evidence, such as a suspicious motel bill or mysterious charges on a personal credit card, he will continue to deny everything and, like a psychopath, accuse others of falsifying information, dismiss the facts as a misunderstanding, or claim that none of this is anyone's business because he trusts psychopath.
It is very difficult to help a person who, being unsure of himself, denies the obvious. The best thing family members, friends, or co-workers can do in this case is to provide victims with the support they need by recommending that they seek help from an employee assistance program or mental health professionals.
The situation becomes more complicated if the psychopath has managed to convince those around you, including family and friends, that you are the problem! This state of affairs can be devastating and even make you question your own mental health.
How to communicate with psychopaths?
If you want to maintain your mental health, it is better not to communicate with them at all. You can and should abstract yourself from them. If fate brings you together with a psychopath in your personal life, run away from him, if with your boss, quit. If the psychopath is a colleague you meet every day, but who is not your manager, simply ignore him, no matter what he says or does.
Photo from the site www.wmj.ru
And most importantly, trust your instincts and intuition. If you think someone has psychopathic traits, stay away from that person to avoid being manipulated or pulled into a relationship that will only hurt you.
Phase 5: Escalation
If the victims of a psychopath suddenly begin to ask questions about the discrepancy between his behavior and his words, they face “punishment.” At first, the psychopath categorically denies any inappropriate actions on his part and tries to go on the attack.
Usually a person becomes ashamed of his suspicions, and as a result he begins to doubt himself even more. If victims persist in expressing concern and suspicion, they are bound to fall under the hot hand of an angry psychopath.
Violence comes in many forms, the most common being psychological, emotional and physical. You can notice physical abuse (the most obvious) by bruises, contusions, cuts and similar signs. Often victims do not report physical aggression towards themselves, as is the case with domestic violence.
Family members, astute friends, or co-workers who notice his traces may try to intervene, but as a rule they are forced to remain aloof as the victim refuses their help.
Physical violence is dangerous because psychopaths, like other rapists, only get the hang of it over time. Be sure to ask for help!
Emotional and psychological abuse is much more difficult for an outsider to notice, although its consequences are devastating for the victim. It often manifests as anxiety, distress, depression, inability to sleep and generalized fear and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Psychological violence leads to decreased self-esteem, a feeling of insignificance, self-doubt and mental anguish. People exposed to it lose their sense of self. They believe that something is wrong with them.
In many cases, they tend to blame themselves for the violence committed against them. "What did I do wrong?" - they ask themselves. Because our thoughts and feelings influence our behavior, victims of abuse perform poorly at work; They are easily distracted, easily irritated, and become taciturn or overly emotional.
Psychopaths use psychological abuse to keep victims under control. Criticism (“You’re so fat! No one will love you but me!”), threats (“I won’t stand for this anymore! I’m leaving!”), and intimidation (“Don’t make me hurt you!”) are common tactics. in their arsenal, and, surprisingly, such a “struggle” only strengthens the psychopathic connection.
If you have been abused, immediately seek advice and help from others (friends, family members or trusted colleagues) or, depending on what happened to you, from law enforcement or social services.
Here are the 19 most significant signs of psychopaths:
- Psychopaths are not just attractive - they are charming. Especially at first glance. Sweet, intelligent and smart.
- The charm of psychopaths always helps them to catch people in their networks and force them to do what the psychopaths themselves need. Riding others is their favorite pastime. They know how to flatter like no one else.
- Psychopaths speak well. They can easily give out a real acting monologue, forcing those around them to listen to themselves with their mouths open. They most likely won’t let you get your word in.
- Psychopaths are never consistent in their lives. Frequent changes of places of work and study, love partners and even views. In the distant era before electronic books, you could easily find 10-20 books on a psychopath’s desk, which he started reading and abandoned everything at the very beginning.
Photo from the site st.kp.yandex.net - Psychopaths lie constantly. To everyone and for any reason. They lie to no avail and do not particularly try to hide it. The actions of psychopaths are often at odds with their words.
- They do not recognize any norms of behavior and moral laws, and often legal laws, considering them unnecessary, fictitious restrictions. They can steal, deceive, mock people and consider this to be completely natural behavior, to which they have every right.
- Psychopaths don't respect anyone. They always consider themselves superior to their surroundings. In a work team, a psychopath who is at the bottom of the administrative ladder can easily jump over the heads of all his bosses and go to resolve the issue directly with the head of the organization, sometimes literally bursting into the boss’s office to do this.
- Psychopaths become angry very easily and can be frightening. However, they also calm down easily. Switching between rage and calm can be almost instantaneous.
- In communication, a psychopath adheres to a condescending and contemptuous tone. He always does this when he doesn’t want to seem very nice, as he knows how to do. And even in relation to people older than him in age and position. Such condescending and contemptuous behavior of a psychopath, his ironic half-smile on his lips in response to all the objections of his opponent, often drives people to a state of white heat. If this happens, the psychopath patronizingly tells the opponent to calm down. Or, on the contrary, he falls into inadequate repentance: he begins to wring his hands, kneel down and ask for forgiveness.
- A psychopath blames others, most often people close to him, for his own shortcomings and misdeeds. At the same time, he is well aware when he is telling a lie. But very often, at the moment of an argument, he begins to blame his opponent for this same lie, driving him crazy. This is the goal of a psychopath - to deprive his interlocutor of peace of mind.
- Psychopaths are two-faced and multifaceted. They can change their masks every minute. Just now a psychopath played the role of an “evil policeman” in front of you and immediately turned into a “miserable child” who should be pitied. But as soon as you soften, he will immediately try to “bite” you again.
Photo from paidagogos.com - Psychopaths do not remember good, but always remember the evil done to them. And they not only remember, but also greatly exaggerate it. When communicating with a psychopath, you will always be aware of how terrible his parents, grandparents, acquaintances, partners, school teachers, kindergarten teachers and everyone else were. How they all did not accept him and treated him all his life.
- When communicating with a psychopath, you may get the impression that this person simply does not understand that he hurts people. You might even want to explain it to him. There's no need to rush. You can rest assured: a psychopath always knows that he is hurting, and he does it on purpose.
- Psychopaths never have long-term good relationships with anyone. They have no friends, they hardly communicate with relatives, their love partners run away from them.
- When driving, a psychopath often adheres to a dangerous driving style: speeding, cutting off, pressing. It gives him real pleasure to see other people's fear, especially if he is not alone in the car.
- Psychopaths love to make their romantic partners feel jealous. They can easily come on a date and bring with them a “friend” of the opposite sex. This behavior is demonstrated by both male and female psychopaths.
- Psychopaths sleep little. Usually no more than 4-5 hours a day. And almost all the time they are in a state of excitement and “business” activity.
- In their sexual life, psychopaths often have perverted needs and force their partners to satisfy them.
- Psychopaths have a reduced sense of danger. They often engage in extreme sports.
Phase 6: Awareness and Understanding
Over time, constant lies, inconsistencies, negative emotions and comments from friends and family will lead you to believe that you were a pawn in a psychopath's game. It will take a long time before you are convinced of the validity of your suspicions and accept this fact. Once this happens, everything will get better.
Once you realize what happened, you will feel like a simpleton. Many victims of psychopaths say to themselves: “How could you believe such a lie?!” This is a natural reaction, but it comes with a price.
People who feel fooled are reluctant to share this and, instead of trying to find confirmation or justification for their new opinion about the psychopath, begin to avoid others. Maybe those around you really didn’t notice, but in any case, it’s much better to trust your friends and family than to allow yourself to be tormented by your own stupidity.
Talking to someone about your experiences and writing about them in a journal is a good way to release negative feelings. You may want to write down everything that happened after your encounter with the psychopath.
And of course, you need to make sure that all your things are in place: bank account, credit card, documents, computer, phone. It is very important to distance yourself from the psychopath and take steps to protect yourself from retaliation from him. It might be worth posting your story (anonymously) on a website for support groups for victims of psychopaths.
Content:
- What happens to the nervous system of an alcohol addict?
- What to expect from a drinker
- Patterns of the psychological portrait of an addict
- The suffering of relatives
- What to do if you live with an alcoholic. Adviсe
Alcoholism is a problem for society as a whole and for each individual person who, due to circumstances, is forced to come into contact with an alcoholic. He does not control his actions, goes beyond all limits - the fault is alcoholic drinks, which destroy the personality. But short-term communication is one thing. How to live with an alcoholic in the same apartment, what to expect, how to protect your psyche, health and life from his tricks?
Phase 7: Overcoming Shame
Shame is a natural reaction to abuse and is the reason why many cases of abuse go unreported. However, it is extremely important to discuss it if you have experienced this feeling with family members, friends or professionals. It is necessary to seek help, firstly, because you do not deserve shame, just as you did not deserve violence.
It's not your fault: the psychopath is a social predator, and you became his victim.
Secondly, the very feeling of shame makes you an easy target for further manipulation. Think of abused wives who, despite beatings and verbal abuse, beg abusive spouses to return to the family or find new abusive partners. Moreover, a psychopath will be able to turn your sense of shame against you just as easily as he played on your shortcomings, needs and fears from the very beginning.
Don't let the shame of being fooled stop you from seeking help and advice; Don't put this weapon in the hands of a psychopath.
Depressed parents
“My mother seems to be a kind and sincere person, but she sees her whole life in a black light. As a result, 90% of our conversations boil down to her whining about the terrible weather, terrible health, terrible news on TV and how she suffers from the fact that we see each other so rarely. But how can I communicate more often if, after an hour of talking with her, I become so depressed that I might as well drown myself?”
Depressive disorders are also a very common occurrence both among the young and apparently prosperous, and among the old and sick. Of course, difficult living conditions, serious illnesses (for example, oncology), and the loss of loved ones increase the likelihood of their development.
It is important to distinguish between chronic depression (depressive disorder) and that caused by certain sad events (reactive depression). In the second case, the person will eventually return to normal, but in the first, episodes of melancholy and melancholy will accompany him throughout his life.
Depressed parents aren't all doom and gloom. They are cold and distant, which is especially unbearable for children. Often they are passive, helpless and dependent; they constantly need to be rescued because they have difficulty coping with ordinary tasks. Sometimes they are irritable and suspicious.
Depressed people often talk about illness and imminent death, even if the person is only 40, they may have a specific “cemetery” humor.
Depression differs from the “ordinary blues” in that a person remains in it for a long time (months, sometimes even years), and a pessimistic outlook spreads to everything around.
If parents become sick and unhappy only when they need something from you, most likely they are manipulators (which also does not guarantee their health, see “Psychopathic Parents”).
Depressed people cannot believe that things will change for the better, which can make it very difficult to motivate them to get treatment. Some people suppress depression with alcohol, which is especially typical for men. Depression is often accompanied by anxiety. In addition, it can manifest itself at the level of physical sensations: inexplicable pain in the heart, in the abdomen, a feeling of weakness, heaviness.
How to help depressed parents. In many cases, antidepressants can work wonders: the eternal “whiner” turns into a completely cheerful person who suddenly has interests and plans for the future. In addition to a certain amount of pills, depressed people need a lot of support - both moral and in practical matters.
It is important to understand that love and understanding alone cannot cure them. Such people have a black hole in their soul that cannot be plugged, no matter how hard you try.
How to help yourself. To maintain your own sanity, you will have to dose out the support provided. Decide how many hours of complaints per week you are willing to endure without fatal damage and how many practical requests to fulfill (their flow will never dry up). Recognize that you are doing this for yourself, and not for the sake of winning your mother’s love: until depression is cured, the flow of complaints about life, as well as about your callousness and inattention, will not stop.
Phase 8: Anger and Justification
By the time victims of psychopaths seek help, they feel intense anger at the person who manipulated or abused them and want to get even.
Anger and the need for justification are natural psychological reactions and an integral part of recovery. Anger may be a result of residual feelings that victims constantly felt, but because of fear and resignation were unable to express. It is very important for the victim to work on his anger with a therapist.
The need for justification is likely to be satisfied (at least for some people) by confirmation that the person they have victimized is a psychopath. According to many people, the more they learned about the psychopathic process and, accordingly, understood it, the better they felt.
It is important to work through your anger with a mental health professional, as thinking about past hurts will only make things worse, increasing the effects of trauma.
Might be interesting
How to understand that your parents have a mental disorder (and what to do now)
The dark side of empathy. Why empathy in itself does not make us or the world around us better
Some people (in fact, most of us) strive to expose the psychopath and show the world his true colors. At this stage, it is not advisable to talk widely about your feelings or make accusations on social networks, emails, messages and publications on the Internet.
First of all, assess your current emotional state. You may not be able to think or act rationally at the moment. In addition, in a weakened state, you will have a difficult time dealing with a retaliatory strike.
If you are the victim of a real crime, you must report it to the authorities. At the same time, it is logical to warn friends about what behavior patterns to watch out for - such a step will benefit people and even protect someone from the snares of a psychopath.
Questions to Consider
What do you have that might interest a psychopath? Do you know your weaknesses and pain points?
Has anyone tried to manipulate you using them? Did he succeed?
Violent and quiet
“There are a great many definitions of mental disorder,” Professor Oksana Anatolyevna Makushkina immediately dots the i’s. — But there is one definition of mental health. The starting point is a person’s ability to adapt to society. First of all, at work and in the family. In particular, do not create conflict situations, and also get out of them with minimal losses for yourself and others. The preservation of this possibility indicates a norm, if one can speak of a norm at all.
Of course, all normal people are different from each other - they have different temperament, character, level of intelligence... Apparently, everyone has heard about the four types of temperament: melancholic, phlegmatic, sanguine and choleric. Extreme types of characters, located on the border of the norm, are also well studied and are called accentuations.
In the qualifications of the famous Russian psychiatrist A.E. Lichko (1977) human characters are divided into 11 accentuations: hyperthymic (overactive), cycloid (activity is periodically replaced by depression), labile (with frequent mood swings at the slightest provocation), sensitive (shy and impressionable), astheno-neurotic (capricious, suspicious , irritable), schizoid (unable and unwilling to communicate with people), psychasthenic (prone to constant introspection, anxious), epileptoid (authoritarian, irritable, angry), hysterical (attention-seeking, demonstrative, self-centered), conformal (adapting to the situation) and unstable (lazy, susceptible to influence).
The starting point is a person’s ability to adapt to society...
Photo: Alastair Grant/AP
But, as Dr. Makushkina has already said, all normal people, no matter whether the accentuation in their character is bright or barely noticeable, epileptoid or psychasthenic, are able to control their words and actions, foresee the consequences of emerging situations and control them. If such a person breaks the law, he bears full responsibility for his words and actions.
What can you do? Path to recovery
Many readers ask what can be done. And then we provide a short, but, unfortunately, generalized list of recommendations and suggestions on how to behave if you have become a victim of a psychopath.
Gather information
- Gather all available information related to the situation: diaries, notebooks, notes, emails, bank account statements, court and medical records, and telephone call transcripts.
- Don't write anything on social networks! Save and print any online information that may be useful to you.
Assess the damage
- Review your finances, including all charges on credit cards, bank account, and sales documents. Remove the psychopath as a beneficiary of joint accounts if possible. If not, close your accounts. If you find signs of fraud, prepare a detailed report.
- Seek professional help to scan your computer and phone for malware. (Some victims have reported to us that they found tracking apps on their phones and spyware on their PCs!)
- See a professional to evaluate your psychological and emotional state.
Conduct an “audit” of friends and acquaintances
- Make a list of your friends and acquaintances and remember who warned you about the true nature of a psychopath, who helped him, and who knew nothing about what was happening. At the same time, you can think about which of them could support you. Include your family members too.
Record your story
- Collect all documents in one place and sort them in chronological order, as well as by categories: finances, damage to reputation and position in society, and so on.
- Referring to your notes, write a story about your relationship with the psychopath. Most likely, its first version will seem like a stream of consciousness, incoherent, full of complaints, accusations and emotions.
- Edit your story. Ask a friend for help or hire a professional editor. Do this to make the story readable and understandable to outsiders, such as government officials or a lawyer. Aim for two to three pages of text. But the main thing is to describe your experience in detail on paper.
Predict your future with or without a psychopath
- Is there still a psychopath in your life? Will he stay there anytime soon? The answer depends on whether you are married to him, whether you have children together, whether you are bound by legal obligations (for example, a jointly purchased house), or whether you are related.
- If a psychopath dumps you, consider yourself lucky. Start rebuilding your life.
- But if you are legally related to a psychopath through shared property, marriage or children, prepare for a protracted battle. You can’t do this without the help of professionals.
Plan your action strategy
- Visit a support group for victims of psychopaths, hear other people's stories, and read resources designed to help such people. Ask questions anonymously, without revealing details that the psychopath might use to identify you.
- If you feel unsafe, contact law enforcement and ask for protection and shelter.
- Talk to a lawyer.
Prepare for a psychopath's response
- Hostage taking. A psychopath may use your children or property as a weapon against you to force you to pay for expensive legal help and prolong the conflict. He may promise to help you raise your children and then fail to show up on time to disrupt your schedule, or make empty promises to take the kids on vacation.
- Siege. As in medieval warfare, this strategy aims to force the victim to capitulate by isolating and depleting his resources. As a rule, this is associated with a variety of actions: for example, parking a car in front of your car to block the exit, harassment in person or online, etc., financial pressure (petty squabbles in court in order to delay the breakup and drain your resources), social influence (trying to turn your friends against you). We even know of cases where some psychopaths managed to win the victim's lawyers over to their side!
- Sabotage. A psychopath may call your employer and try to get you fired. He can waste a lot of money from your bank account and credit card, and also tarnish your name on social networks. Do not give in to provocations: continue to scrupulously document all his actions.
Your ultimate goal is to completely stop contact (physical, emotional and psychological) with the psychopath. This is the only way you can start life again.
How to avoid becoming a victim of a charming psychopath. Advice from a psychologist and criminologist
Two psychologists - one specializing in corporate psychology, the other in criminal psychology - have written a book on how to recognize and neutralize psychopaths at work. Toxic bosses, narcissists, manipulators and aggressors, unfortunately, can come our way. Snakes in Suits, coming out in April from Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, is a guide to interacting with them effectively and safely. Inc. publishes an excerpt.
Manipulative approach to life
Many psychopaths are skilled manipulators and players and go to any lengths to achieve their goals. Their qualities and characteristics, noted by psychiatrists, serve psychopaths well and are best analyzed in the context in which they manifest themselves in life. Understanding how psychopaths perform in public and interact with people will provide at least a glimpse of the real person behind the charming facade (we call this dynamic psychopathy), and hopefully help readers protect themselves from his sophisticated manipulations.
Let's start by looking at the strategies and tactics many psychopaths use as part of the three-step process, a natural manifestation of their personality that is often automatic rather than consciously planned.
Stage 1: Assessment
Psychopaths love to play games with people. The ability to deceive and manipulate is their main motivator. They are constantly looking for someone to fool, so the first stage of the psychopathic dynamic comes down to identifying or assessing the victim. Some psychopaths are unscrupulous, aggressive predators who take advantage of almost everyone they meet; others are more patient and wait to meet the “ideal” victim. In either case, they constantly evaluate a person's potential usefulness as a source of money, power, sex, or influence. In this sense, they are especially attractive to celebrities and people with power and high social status.
In the business world, it's easy to find people in positions of power: spacious offices and elaborate job titles are an obvious way to define who's who in an organization. But don't think that not having a big office or an impressive title means you don't have the power or assets that a psychopath might find useful to themselves. Are you a secretary and control access to your boss and his schedule? Or a union representative who can smooth out conflicts with employees and the difficulties that arise in connection with this? Perhaps you are connected to the company's word of mouth or have access to sources of information distributed among insiders? These are all examples of informal power, and smart psychopaths can use it to expand the scope of their personal goals.
In addition to assessing potential gain, psychopaths identify a person's weaknesses and psychological defense mechanisms in order to develop a plan of attack. They do this in different ways and to varying degrees, as their assessment is influenced by personal style, experience and preferences. Some people like to solve complex problems, so they choose confident, well-protected celebrities or shrewd professionals with big egos. Others prefer to hunt those who are in a weakened, vulnerable state. This category includes lonely people or those who need emotional support and close relationships; elderly living on a fixed income; minors or simple-minded people, as well as those who have recently suffered or been victims of persecution. The usefulness of the latter category may not be obvious from a purely material point of view, but the subjective ease of establishing contact makes them attractive to the criminal psychopath weighing the investment of time and energy.
At this stage, a number of psychopathic traits appear. As a rule, psychopaths strive to demonstrate to others that they are at the top of their careers, putting on a mask of high position and success, although in fact they lead a parasitic lifestyle.
They prefer to live off the labor of others rather than their own efforts, so they usually choose the lifestyle of an adventurer, a slacker and a spendthrift. For this purpose, they without any remorse ask, and often even demand, financial support from others. In many cases, this provider is a family member or friend, but it may also be a stranger who is coerced or tricked into providing food, shelter, and income by the psychopath.
There is nothing unusual or reprehensible about relying on someone else's help, including the state, in difficult times, but psychopaths shamelessly take advantage of others, even if they are physically healthy and able to provide for themselves. Of course, not all psychopaths are slackers, but even those who have jobs prefer to live openly or covertly at the expense of those around them, both co-workers and employers.
Psychopaths lack compassion and perhaps even a basic understanding of human feelings. It is significant that the economic and emotional impact of their parasitic behavior on others is of no importance to them, in part because, from their point of view, in a world where man is a wolf to man, everyone is just as greedy as they are. In addition, it seems that psychopaths are unable to form an accurate emotional portrait of another person, mistakenly believing that the emotional lives of others are as superficial and meaningless as their own. In their psychic world, people exist only as objects, goals or obstacles. This is one of the most difficult characteristics of psychopaths, and the one that most people find most difficult to come to terms with (or even just comprehend).
In addition, psychopaths do not experience remorse or guilt. It can be assumed that the reason they become such successful social predators is that they are completely devoid of remorse.
In addition to the desire to parasitize and the lack of emotional content, there is evidence that psychopaths need significant stimulation of novelty to relieve them of boredom. This need, which, as recent research shows, may be determined by the physiology of the brain, in many cases pushes them to seek new, exciting prospects and frivolously move from one relationship to another. Most people are capable of working long hours and enduring monotony in order to achieve important life goals, such as attending university, vocational training, or working in an entry-level position in the hope of promotion. Psychopaths, on the other hand, look for easy ways to achieve similar goals and have great difficulty enduring frustration.
Many of them manage to graduate from university or obtain a vocational diploma, but in most cases this is more likely the result of fraud, undertaking work by someone else, and generally trying to “beat the system” rather than hard work and dedication. Once at work, psychopaths avoid monotonous and difficult tasks in every possible way, the completion of which requires long-term and serious dedication. They don't understand why anyone, including their co-workers, has to work hard or wait their turn to get what they want. Their need for stimulation manifests itself in a tendency to take risks and seek thrills. Many ordinary people also enjoy an adrenaline rush, especially athletes, and exhibit similar behavior patterns, but unlike psychopaths, they assess the risk to themselves and others, usually without putting them in danger. Unfortunately for society, psychopaths' need for stimulation often develops into antisocial and even criminal behavior.
Psychopaths experience a sense of superiority, believing that others owe them something. In addition, they are always ready to take advantage of other people's property. Because of their exaggerated sense of self-worth, psychopaths believe that other people exist solely to take care of them. Considering most people to be weak, worthless, and easily deceived, psychopathic scammers often say that their victim deserves such treatment. Sometimes their sense of superiority is so great that they claim that they are giving their victims a gift by allowing them to support them. This is especially true for cult leaders who are charlatans or complete psychopaths, but there are also less obvious cases. An arrogant attitude will be called cocky and selfish by many observers, but, as will be discussed below, some find this behavior somewhat attractive and even charismatic.
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Stage 2: Psychological Manipulation
After identifying potentially useful people, psychopaths begin to lure them in using charm and deception, which we have labeled psychopathic fiction. This is the beginning of the manipulation stage.
Here their main task is to gain the trust of the victim. Psychopaths are masters of the ability to charm people. They have a winning demeanor and know how to please at first sight. Usually they carefully think through their image and the mask that hides their true essence. Generally speaking, a psychopath is able to appear strong, simple-minded, domineering, honest, meek, trustworthy, worldly, or any other quality that will cause others to respond positively to his manipulative behavior.
Psychopaths use social stereotypes to create a desired image, for example, they may come across as a suffering artist, a resentful spouse, a successful businessman, a celebrity, a member of a respected profession, or someone with connections to wealthy, famous (or infamous) people. Of course, some psychopaths go overboard in their desire to be liked and seem too superficial, frivolous and unconvincing. However, the most talented elevate their ability to charm to the level of an art, taking pride (and often even boasting) in their ability to present others with a fictional personality so convincing that, if they take it for granted, people cannot discern their true essence.
Psychopaths easily cope with the task that is often beyond the capabilities of politicians, sales agents and promoters - impressing listeners with their speeches.
In criminal cases, the sympathetic mask of sincerity, decency and honesty demonstrated by psychopaths can be destroyed only after their heinous crimes or skillful scams are fully exposed. And in less serious cases, it will take many daily contacts before the psychopath's true face becomes visible to a small number of attentive observers, but this rarely happens to those with whom he interacts, since their victims believe in the artificial image.
An almost pathological ability to lie with impunity gives them the opportunity to successfully exploit the trust of the victim. Unencumbered by social responsibility, fear of exposure, empathy, remorse, or guilt (natural deterrents to antisocial behavior), psychopaths spin their tales so convincingly, engagingly, and creatively that many listeners unconsciously trust them. It may seem that the web of lies will sooner or later become apparent and lead to the exposure of the psychopath, but this rarely happens. Most observers do not notice the deception that a psychopath resorts to in many cases to dispel the victim's doubts and fears, as well as to reinforce his fiction.
Somewhat theatrical, but still compelling stories and fascinating explanations are designed to enhance the atmosphere of trust, acceptance and genuine delight. As a result, most people accept the apparent image of a psychopath and almost subconsciously justify any perceived inconsistencies. Psychopaths are not embarrassed even when their story begins to be doubted or they are caught in a lie: they simply change or develop the plot to connect all the distorting details into a convincing picture. Strong verbal communication skills help them turn the endless stream of misinformation into believable, reasonable and logical. Some psychopaths master these skills so skillfully that they can impose on others a truly heavenly picture of the world, which they themselves are almost ready to believe.
Oddly enough, psychopaths lie even to those who already know the truth about the things they are talking about. Amazingly, in many cases, victims begin to doubt their knowledge of the truth, change their views and believe what the psychopath says rather than what they know.
Such is the power of psychological manipulation. Some psychopaths even take pride in their dexterity, ridiculing their victims' gullibility and boasting about how they managed to fool someone. To their credit, in many cases they have every reason for such self-praise.
It remains unclear why psychopaths lie - is it because it is an effective tactic to achieve a goal, or because the lie itself gives them pleasure, or perhaps both? Probably, in their youth they did not realize the importance of honesty, but, on the contrary, learned about the benefits of lying in terms of getting what they want. In ordinary children, the tendency to lie and distort facts weakens with age, but psychopaths only develop this ability, seeing no point in telling the truth if it does not help them get what they want. The difference between the lies of psychopaths and those of normal people is that normal people lie in a way that has a less ruthless, deliberate, destructive and destructive effect on the lives of those around them. Their deception is much less pervasive because they only lie sometimes. So, poker players; men who solicit women for sex; teenagers convincing their parents to let them go to a party; a businessman trying to make a deal; a politician seeking re-election - all these people may lie about different things to achieve their goals. However, unlike psychopaths, their mild but cynical deceit cannot be considered an integral part of the personality, since it is not accompanied by other qualities that characterize psychopathy.
Another trait of psychopaths is the desire to avoid responsibility. If something goes wrong, they blame people, circumstances, fate - whatever. Psychopaths have an impressive supply of excuses for why they cannot be blamed, even if what they said or did caused harm to someone. Shifting responsibility serves the dual purpose of strengthening one's own positive image and denigrating rivals and ill-wishers by demonstrating loyalty to listeners and making accusations against others. In other words, psychopaths, by shifting responsibility to third parties, pretend that they are helping the person or protecting him from harm. In many organizations there will be employees who do not trust the company or are offended by something. Psychopaths can use these genuine feelings to build support for their position. Another common trick is to blame the system, the company, or society in general for your behavior. It is not surprising that even those psychopaths who admit to committing a crime strive to minimize their participation in it and the negative consequences for the victim. They may even blame their victims for their own failures and give compelling reasons why they got what they deserved! Since the manipulation stage is the main tool in the arsenal of psychopaths, we will spend a lot of time in subsequent chapters looking at the strategies and tactics they use to do this.
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Stage 3: breakup
Having extracted from his victim everything that was of value to him, the psychopath breaks off relations with her and switches to someone else. Such a break most often occurs suddenly (one day the person simply disappears), while the victim may not realize that the manipulator is looking for a new target. By committing crimes such as identity theft, credit card fraud, or construction fraud, the psychopath essentially vanishes into thin air, usually re-emerging elsewhere with a new identity. The advent of the Internet has made life easier for psychopathic criminals: they have a lot of opportunities to easily carry out their plans while remaining unpunished.
To ruthlessly break off a relationship with a person, causing him pain, you need to be insensitive to the feelings of others. Psychopaths do this without difficulty because they have poorly (or weakly) developed emotional and social attachments. After hurting someone, most people usually feel remorse and guilt. However, psychopaths have an extremely vague understanding of these categories and sometimes consider remorse to be a funny shortcoming of people, which, of course, can be used to their advantage. Of course, they don’t even think that their behavior will have harmful consequences for them and for those around them. This is partly because the past and future are not as important to psychopaths as the present. Emotional deafness prevents them from understanding that others may have much richer inner lives. As a result, they treat others as objects or pawns that can be moved at their own discretion. In other words, it is easier for psychopaths to understand the intellectual rather than the emotional sphere of life of those around them, so they evaluate people solely from the point of view of their usefulness, and after using them, they throw them away as unnecessary.
Meanwhile, a selfish, limited approach to life entails predictable consequences. First, psychopaths form many short-term relationships throughout their lives, which is a direct consequence of the evaluation-manipulation-dissolution process. By getting close to many people, the psychopath declares his loyalty and abandons them when their usefulness is exhausted. Secondly, despite assurances to the contrary, most psychopaths do not build careers and do not have achievable life goals.
However, the lack of a career does not prevent them from declaring a variety of goals and achievements; the success story they have created is so convincing that those around them take their word for it.
In the business world, their fictitious achievements are reflected in false resumes; letters of recommendation drawn up by themselves (they sign the names of their friends); fake diplomas and awards on the wall. Even psychopaths who have chosen the criminal path do not have clear goals and objectives: they commit various situationally determined crimes, and do not specialize in a certain type of offense, like ordinary criminals. This is a consequence of impulsivity, weak behavioral control and low resistance to frustration.
So, let's summarize. Psychopaths first determine a person's usefulness, as well as their strengths and weaknesses. They then manipulate their victims by feeding them carefully crafted messages (psychopathic fiction) to gain control over them. Then they squeeze all physical, psychological, emotional or financial resources out of the victim. Finally, they abandon the “gutted” and drugged victim when they get tired of it or lose its usefulness.
Questions to Consider
— Have you ever in your personal or professional life encountered a person whose behavior model can be traced along the chain of “evaluation - manipulation - severance of relationships”?
— Do you have friends who have been manipulated and abandoned by someone with whom they thought they had a stable relationship? What details of the story did they tell you?
- Do you know a person who could be described as cold and empty, devoid of ordinary human emotions?
— Have you ever had to imitate emotions appropriate to the situation? Which? Did you succeed?
Vocation as salvation
John Forbes Nash is an American mathematician and Nobel Prize winner in economics. The scientist suffered from paranoid schizophrenia. Nash became ill at age 30. At first, his wife made attempts to hide the terrible illness from colleagues and friends. But after a few months he had to be forcibly placed in a psychiatric hospital. The scientist’s illness progressed. He spoke about himself in the third person, was afraid of something, wrote meaningless letters. Nash's colleagues gave him a job and found him a good psychiatrist who prescribed powerful drugs. In 1980, the disease, to the great surprise of psychiatrists, began to recede. Perhaps this happened because the scientist again took up his favorite mathematics. In 2015, John Nash received the highest honor in mathematics, the Abel Prize.
How can a family help their sick relative and themselves?
Confidential contact with a doctor
“Mentally ill” patients are very sensitive to criticism and encouragement from the attending physician. Ask your doctor questions that concern you, because for many, schizophrenia is a poorly understood condition. However, there is a small “but” here. If the patient’s mental state does not fall under Article 29, then information about his health can be shared even with close relatives only with his consent.
Hospitalization
If the doctor insists on hospitalization, this means that the patient’s mental state cannot be corrected in a dispensary. What is the advantage of this treatment? Firstly, in a hospital it is easier and faster to select adequate therapy, since the patient is under medical supervision around the clock. Secondly, all medications that are prescribed to your relative will be received free of charge. And thirdly, in the hospital the patient is guaranteed to take medications. Many people are frightened by the forced placement of a loved one in a hospital. Relatives feel guilty towards the patient. But in fact, involuntary hospitalization is similar to an operation to open an abscess: an incision is necessary for the abscess to heal.
Risks are close
At the end of 2015, at a specialized conference dedicated to the dangerous behavior of people with mental illness, disappointing figures were announced. 50,000 patients in Russia who are under constant dispensary observation, and coercive measures due to aggressive and unsafe behavior towards others were applied by court decision to more than 26,000 living in families. It should be noted that we are talking only about people with official diagnoses, meanwhile, some experts believe that currently about 40% of people in the country suffer from mental disorders , which have not yet transformed into serious illnesses.
How to live nearby?
There is a temptation to completely control your sick relative. However, by overprotection you deprive his healthy part of his personality (and, of course, there is one) of the right to at least some kind of autonomy. It is necessary to learn to separate a person and his disease. When a patient behaves aggressively or inappropriately, understand: now this is not your beloved son, grandson or husband. This is the illness speaking in him. Later, having “come to your senses,” your loved one will calm down and be able to interact with you differently. In our society, mentally ill people are treated with extreme caution. And that is why it is especially important for your relative to feel your support and love, to understand that you accept him for who he is. And lastly: do not try to punish yourself, take responsibility for what happened. You are not to blame for what happened. No matter what, life goes on.
Hallucinations
Hallucinations are the perception of non-existent images. There are several main types of hallucinations: auditory (voices), visual, tactile and gustatory. The patient believes in their reality; it is useless to dissuade him. Hallucinations are a sign of exacerbation of the disease and require prompt medical attention. There are types of schizophrenia in which hallucinations take a chronic form and cannot be treated. As a rule, the patient in this case retains a critical attitude towards them; he understands that they are a product of his disease and do not affect his behavior.
