No matter how much people believe in their spouses, statistics still show that infidelity happens in families at least once in 75% of cases. When the truth is revealed, it can be difficult for the victim of deception to survive the shock and even more difficult to find the strength and knowledge of how to live on. How to survive your husband's betrayal? The advice of a psychologist will tell you how to move on and do the right thing.
There are different reasons for cheating; to find out, you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation.
Cheating is a psychological reaction
Spouses exchanging rings mean that they are creating a family union and will henceforth be faithful to each other. There are often cases of men being unfaithful after just a year of marriage. Other couples, on the contrary, live together for many years, and suddenly the fact of betrayal is revealed. There can be many reasons for this; spouses should sort them out together. The main thing is how to survive the betrayal of a deceived spouse and overcome your negative emotions. Typically, uncovered deception causes resentment, bitterness, a desire for revenge or mourning one's feelings. It is difficult in this situation to experience emotions and reason with a sober head about the further development of marital relations.
Why do people cheat while married?
Agree, very often betrayal destroys even very long relationships and strong family ties. There are situations when the reason for divorce was infidelity after 30 years of marriage. And in this situation, it is very difficult to understand why the spouses, who lived for such a long period together, side by side, solving each other’s problems for years, providing support, still decided to cheat.
According to experts in the field of psychology of family relationships, there are many reasons for adultery. For example, one of the main and most common reasons that push spouses to cheat is new feelings for another person. This situation usually arises where love is insignificant or is already absent. Very often these are marriages with grown-up children, when the spouses have practically nothing in common. For example, this could be cheating even after 30 years of marriage.
Men note that they were pushed into adultery by the absence of a wife or a full-fledged intimate life for a long time
Moreover, we draw your attention to the fact that very often men regard this kind of reason as a fairly compelling justification for betrayal. There are also situations when the reason for betrayal is the desire to take revenge on your soulmate for infidelity
But this kind of reason is usually characteristic of emotional women. Moreover, they continue to live happily in marriage after betrayal.
Another common reason for betrayal is total, that is, complete discord in the family, when people can no longer be together and be a “unit of society.” In this case, adultery is a reason for creating a new family, and there is no point in maintaining a marriage after adultery, because the family union can no longer be “reanimated”; it is “unviable.”
Is it possible to survive betrayal?
My husband drinks every day - what to do, advice from a psychologist, is it worth living with him?
Whether it is possible to forgive the betrayal of a girl or a man is a difficult decision for one of the spouses. In order to understand a difficult choice, you should accept this situation, understand your reaction to betrayal and try to make sure that your self-esteem does not suffer. The most important thing in forgiveness is to be able not to confuse it with the desire to restore the relationship. If you forgive your spouse, there will be no resentment left. If you fail to do this, the relationship will be undermined.
Important! In psychology, there is the concept of a “crisis in marriage” - a period when a relationship may be at risk. This is the first year, 3 years, 7, 12, 20. In addition, a crisis age is considered a dangerous period - 37-45 years, when a revaluation of values occurs.
Is it worth forgiving?
How to survive a divorce from your husband - advice from a psychologist on how to get a grip on yourself
How you can live through the situation and leave it behind:
- Realize what happened. There is no need to try to justify someone else’s actions or hope for atonement for a mistake. It’s better to tune in to your own feelings, accept betrayal as a given and think about whether you can forgive.
- Don't close. A frank conversation will reveal the views of each side and lead to a conclusion on how to proceed.
- Don't feel sorry for yourself. You shouldn’t remove responsibility from your half, but you shouldn’t belittle your shortcomings in behavior. If a couple has problems in their relationship, no one person can be to blame. It is worth analyzing your actions and trying to identify the mistake.
It is important that forgiveness comes from the heart. The decision to keep the family cannot be allowed to be forced. If you can’t stop blaming your spouse, then the relationship will not be renewed.
To survive deception, you need to experience the situation and try to forgive
How to forgive betrayal
The first thing to do if one of the spouses begins to lie is to take a break in the relationship. Usually the first thing that comes to the minds of offended spouses is to create a scandal. This is not the best solution, because in a fit of emotion, both can say too much to each other, which they will later greatly regret.
husband
How to survive a breakup with a loved one - advice from a psychologist
First you need a break. If you have children, you can send them to grandma for a couple of days, pick up the necessary things yourself and go to a friend, sister or hotel. In the eyes of the husband, the wife should disappear from home, show him what his life will be like in the event of a divorce.
During this time, the wife must calm her nerves thoroughly. There are many ways to do this: spiritual conversation, meditation, relaxing massage, etc. It is also important to evaluate the entire situation and think about your future course of action.
Important! Do not delay the pause period. At first, a man will be sincerely worried, but later he may get used to living alone and even get a taste for it. Therefore, if the decision has been made to restore the family, then it is better not to delay.
You shouldn't hide from your husband. If he tries to contact, it is better to explain to him that his action caused pain that needs to be experienced and collected.
If a decision has been made to save the marriage, then a family council should be arranged with the husband. The conversation should be calm and serious. You should not tell your spouse about how badly he acted, since such a conversation will not lead to any conclusions and can only upset the girl. It’s better to discuss what future cohabitation will be like, find out about the reason for the betrayal: what the husband lacked, why he decided that he was better off with the other. All the answers received should be listened to carefully; they will help not only save the family, but also strengthen it in the future.
Note! When talking with her husband, the wife should appear in her best form: with perfect hair, manicure and an outfit that emphasizes the best aspects of her figure. The husband should once again pay attention to what he is missing.
If you have made the decision to forgive your husband and stay with him, then it is important to remember this. You should not regularly bring up the betrayal in the future. If the wife feels that she is unable to forgive, it is better to break off the relationship, since it will be difficult to live together with a constant feeling of resentment.
First of all, you need to take a break from the relationship
Wives
From a psychological point of view, female infidelity is more difficult to experience than male infidelity. Betrayal by a wife is a strong blow to a husband’s pride, which is more difficult to survive, since men do not tend to cry to their friends. For this reason, many men seek support in unhealthy ways: alcohol, fighting, drugs.
What men should do:
- Don't suffer about the relationship. The wife decided to cheat, which means the relationship was not ideal. Understand that the end of a marriage is not a tragedy. After a breakup, you can communicate with family, friends, and other women. Don’t be afraid of loneliness and isolate yourself in memories and experiences.
- Give free rein to emotions, since betrayal undoubtedly causes reciprocal resentment and bitterness, which will not go away if they are not felt.
- Find a new hobby or immerse yourself in work. A new activity will allow you to switch your experiences in a useful direction.
- Most often, men begin to worry about thoughts of loneliness. After communicating with other women, you will understand that warm feelings may not be the only ones in life.
How to save a family
As long as there are chances to save the family, you need to fight for them. Women should remember that they will have to rebuild a relationship with another man and go through all the stages of its construction again. At the same time, existing spouses are connected by common memories, experiences, etc. There are times when trying to save a marriage is pointless:
- When the spouse does not want to discuss what happened. Perhaps the fact is that he is ashamed of what he did, but such behavior is more regarded as a way to hush up the situation.
- When he accuses his half of being pushed into deception, and does not consider himself guilty. Even if one of the spouses made mistakes, this was still not a reason to look for a replacement. To understand what does not suit both parties, the spouses discuss it together.
- When one of the spouses does not see anything wrong with their betrayal. In this case, you should either interrupt the marriage, or mentally prepare for the following deceptions.
- It will not be possible to save the family if the one who was cheated on develops hostility towards his other half. Rejection, disgust from one type is an indicator that the relationship cannot remain the same.
- The wife or husband reported that he no longer experiences the same feelings and plans to leave the family himself.
Don't rush into divorce if you have a chance to save your family
Important! In case of revealed betrayal, both spouses should try to save the family. If one of them does not see the motivation or coldly meets all impulses to improve the situation, there will be no progress. The most reasonable and painless solution in such a situation would be divorce.
Is it worth forgiving the betrayal of a girl or a man in order to save the family? The decision on what to do (forgive the betrayal and give a second chance or break up the family) is an individual matter. Each person has his own ideas about acceptable limits and varying degrees of patience. In addition, there are cases that may not justify betrayal, but can serve as an explanation for it:
- Despite the betrayal, love and trust in the spouse have not disappeared, and there is confidence that he still has feelings.
- Understanding that the betrayal happened by accident, and the loved one no longer intends to cheat.
- The spouse sincerely repents, and all his attempts to win forgiveness touch to the core.
- The presence of children in the family can be considered a powerful argument for letting go of this situation and saving the family. Divorce of parents is always difficult for children. Therefore, if you are confident that both are able to cope with betrayal, it is better to forget about divorce.
- The husband cheated during his wife's pregnancy. Due to the raging hormones, the girl is unlikely to be able to adequately assess the situation and make the right decision. The best option would be to take a break from the relationship and deal with it later.
Note! If doubts about the need still plague your thoughts, it is worth taking a logical method of decision-making. They take a sheet of paper, draw it in half and write down in two columns the pros and cons that they will receive from the divorce. In the case when one of the spouses is confused in his feelings and thoughts, this technique will help put everything on the shelves and see what will be best for him.
It is important to consider the presence of children for whom parental divorce can be traumatic
If you decide to break up
How to forget your wife and give yourself another chance to build a happy future? Is there life after betrayal? Eat. Moreover, you have everything you need to make it interesting and full of vivid impressions. Engage in self-development, find something that inspires, fills you with energy, enthusiasm, and passion for life. Let every day be an exciting journey. Make new friends with an active lifestyle.
It is known that the environment greatly influences a person. A close circle of people is a powerful influencing factor and a good source of information, motivation and support. Psychology calls this the “mirror rule.” We choose as friends people who are close in their worldview, life position, goals, hobbies, and habits. This is a comfortable environment, but if this circle does not change, a person stops in personal growth.
Research proves that an individual’s income level is always close to the average financial well-being of people around him. This is explained simply. Let's give an example. An inspired, determined person wants to change his life. Begins to think positively, outlines the right paths of development, and looks for interesting ideas. But his chances of success are diminishing because every evening, despite his determination and efforts, he is forced to return to people who do not believe in his potential.
These could be friends, parents, colleagues, those who like to label “all women are the same, you can’t find a normal one, look at yourself.” Generous in criticism, negative assessments, ridicule, exaggerated doubts about success, they awaken old fears of facing failure. “Toxic people” have a detrimental effect on self-esteem, self-confidence, and your own opinion, so limit and clear your space of negative, destructive people.
Don't try to block your feelings. You have the right to be offended, angry and even contempt, this is a normal reaction. If emotional trauma is not treated, unlived pain will periodically remind itself of itself through pathological jealousy in future relationships, lack of sexual desire, and causeless resentment. Pain is always a signal of the need for help.
Is revenge necessary?
If one of the spouses happens to find out that a loved one has cheated, the reaction is always negative. The resentment and anger that an unfaithful spouse made you feel often leads to a desire for revenge. The result of this is major quarrels, scandals and retaliatory betrayal. Because of the showdown, children suffer and witness the destruction of the family. The consequences of this behavior are:
- divorce;
- mentally disturbed children;
- in rare cases - crimes.
The desire to teach a traitor a lesson is understandable to everyone, but this is not a reasonable way out of the situation, since this method provides short-term psychological relief. As soon as the offended spouse realizes that the problem is not solved, but only worsened, his irritability returns. That is why psychologists do not specifically recommend taking revenge.
The best way to punish an abuser is to end the relationship with dignity. At the same time, not only save face, but also find happiness in the future: improve your career, find your other half, develop spiritually.
Duration of post-traumatic syndrome
Psychologists say that only the stress during which a woman has experienced all stages of accepting the inevitable can be considered overcome. However, no specialist can predict how long PTSD will last after betrayal.
All reactions are purely individual, so we can only talk about very average periods. Usually, at least three months pass from the first stage to the last. Often this period extends for six months or more. Psychologists advise staying away from the traitor all this time, because otherwise it will be difficult to avoid scandals and rash decisions, which you will then have to regret for a very long time.
How to live after betrayal
It is worth continuing life after your husband’s betrayal if the decision was made to save the family. First of all, you should try to forgive your spouse. The next step is to try not only to save the marriage, but also to strengthen it. To do this, a woman should pay attention to several points:
- Behavior. Every man wants to be loved, praised and admired. If the husband lacks this, he will quickly turn his attention to those who appreciated him. The wife should pay attention to his achievements, interests, and be less picky.
- Appearance. A man loves with his eyes, and even if you have lived together for a long time, this is not a reason to be unkempt. Don’t forget about your figure and the fact that you also need to be beautiful at home.
- Remember about yourself. Women's tasks are maintaining order in the house and caring for children. In such a daily routine, you can quickly become bored and forget about your personal interests. Once or several times a week, a wife should pay attention to herself: go to the theater, cinema, meet with friends.
- Become more sensual. Most men cheat because they lack new emotions in bed. It is within the power of the wife to become more relaxed and try to diversify her intimate life.
- Get closer. Try to spend more time together. A good option is to start a family tradition, doing something that will unite the spouses. It is important to share your thoughts and try to hear each other.
Psychologist's advice
My husband cheated, what should I do? Advice from a psychologist will help girls cope with their experiences and inner anxiety. In order to be able to improve relationships after betrayal, follow the recommendations:
- Be able to listen. To do this, inquire with sincere interest about the affairs of the interlocutor.
- To restore the family, it is important to build a trusting relationship, which is difficult to do if one of the spouses has once cheated. To do this, each couple agrees on how to restore trust.
- You should not try to take revenge on your husband/wife with the first one you come across. The replacement of the offender must be worthy; in the heat of the moment, this option is unlikely to come up.
Cheating is a difficult ordeal not only for one spouse, but for the entire family. Before making decisions, it is important to understand what divorce will bring, or whether you will have the strength to forgive and restore the relationship. Both spouses should participate in the resuscitation of relationships, only then is it possible to strengthen the family.
Honest discussion of problems
There is no magic formula for forgiving betrayal. In this situation, an honest discussion of the problems that led to the betrayal, as well as work to eliminate them, will help. It will be difficult for both spouses and both must stock up on love, patience and respect for each other.
Some can forgive their spouse’s infidelity, draw conclusions, work on the relationship and move on in peace and harmony. For others, life after their wife’s betrayal is filled with self-flagellation, distrust of the female sex, conversations with friends in the style of “all women are the same” and mental pain. How to forget your wife’s betrayal, free yourself from painful experiences and live happily?
First of all, you should take into account that thoughts of revenge on a rival or a betrayed spouse primarily harm you. Remember that by prolonging your own suffering with destructive fantasies about the details of infidelity, the constant search for reasons in yourself only takes away the opportunity to live happily. You can't change the past, but you can make plans.
According to surveys, the situation when a wife cheated on her legal spouse ranks third in the ranking of personal tragedies of modern men. The only thing that can hurt members of the stronger sex more painfully than her is the death of their own child, their own parents and other very close people.
At the same time, statistics confirm that about 15% of divorces per year occur on the initiative of a man if his wife cheated. In addition, many couples separate without legal registration, which is not reflected in official statistics. You are not alone, hundreds of couples have gone through this, experiencing the same shock, disappointment, anger, contempt, apathy. This is a normal first reaction to a traumatic situation. But staying in this state for a long time is dangerous.
Intoxication with one’s own guilt, concentration on suffering, anger, resentment, and the desire to punish the offender leads to a dead end. Take a break. Distance and time will help you sort out your own emotions and make the right decision.
