In this article you will learn how to decide to divorce your husband. It is for those who have already mentally decided everything for themselves, but cannot take the main step, as well as for those who are still in thought.
The step-by-step instructions given in the article will help those who have already decided to divorce to complete it, and those who still doubt it will help them make the right decision. The article also gives two exercises that you can use right now to determine whether you should get a divorce or not.
My history
My first marriage was a mistake. We were a dancing couple, falling in love, unplanned pregnancy, registry office. The usual story. We were connected only by dancing, and after the birth of the child we had to forget about them completely. But I believed that our boat of love should stay afloat no matter what.
The marriage lasted five years, during which I periodically thought about divorce. Sometimes out loud. But determination was lacking. Largely because outwardly everything was normal: we almost didn’t quarrel, we weren’t in poverty, our lifestyle stabilized over the years, the child was growing up. But there was nothing in common either.
I'm lucky. I met the man of my dreams and over time I realized that if I wanted to be with someone, it was only with him. But if it doesn’t work out, then I can no longer live in an empty relationship. Even if we had not met, I would still have come to the same decision, but later. There were calls.
Agreement on children upon divorce
Issues related to the residence, upbringing, and financial support of a child after the parents’ divorce are determined by agreement of the spouses or in court.
Parents can independently resolve the above issues by drawing up a children's agreement in simple written form. At the request of the parents, such an agreement can be notarized.
If at the time of drawing up the agreement the children are 10 years old, parents must take into account their opinion and desire.
The content and form of the agreement regarding children is not established by law. It is important that the clauses of such an agreement do not violate the rights and interests of minor children.
A children's agreement may include the following provisions:
- with whom the children will remain after the divorce;
- further place of residence of children;
- frequency and amount of payments for children;
- the procedure for the interaction of children with a parent who will live separately;
- other provisions.
It is important to know : if this agreement on children contains clauses on the procedure for paying alimony, then it must be certified by a notary.
The agreement on children is drawn up in 3 copies, one is submitted to the court, the rest remain with each of the spouses.
Parents have the right to submit an agreement regarding children to the court in the following ways:
- in writing along with the statement of claim;
- by filing an oral petition at the court hearing to attach such a document to the case.
In the absence of such an agreement, the court, during the consideration of the case of divorce with children, independently resolves all issues related to the further residence and upbringing of minors.
If an agreement about the children has not been drawn up, but the parent wants the court to side with him when deciding the issue of the children’s further residence, then he has the right to send to the court, along with the statement of claim, documents containing the following information:
- conditions of residence of the children and each parent;
- financial support for children, their pastime.
We stopped talking to each other
At first we chatted a lot: where you studied, what you do, how you look at the world, who your parents and friends are, what music you listen to, what books you read, what films you prefer to watch. At the dating stage, there is always something to talk about.
But over time, the topics exhausted themselves. It became clear to both that there was nothing to discuss. Just like in the movie “What Men Talk About,” when Camille reads a text message from his wife: “Toilet paper. Bread. Milk".
Sometimes the conversation turned to views on life values. And here another problem arose. My husband is five years younger than me, and I turned out to be too experienced a partner for him in almost all areas of life. As a result, there was no dialogue - it was more like consultations. My husband was a smart and grateful listener, but I was getting more and more bored.
Conclusion
Communication is the main component of any relationship.
Most of the time you communicate. And it should be enjoyable for both of them.
If your partner looks into your mouth, and you spend your life raising children, over time you may get tired of it. If you are always in the position of an obedient student, someday you will want independence.
Communication should be mutually enriching. You should have a similar cultural background that you can build on together. When one person constantly drags the other one along, or when people go their separate ways, vital chatter gradually disappears.
What questions do you need to ask yourself to understand the cause of fear?
So, let’s figure out what you need to think about in order to understand the origins of your fears of divorce.
Male gaze
It is advisable to conduct an internal dialogue using the following checklist - this will help to find out the causes of the phobia:
- Do you feel unhappy around your partner?
- Do you want to be in your current state for a long time (at least a year)?
- Do you have a feeling of inner tension from the woman who is next to you?
- Is the relationship putting pressure on you?
- Are you growing in partnership, do you feel the desire to become better?
- Do you have a desire to maintain physical contact with your partner?
- Do you want to radically change your life or leave everything as it is?
Female
Giving up your personal life is a fatal mistake that people make when they are apart. The second half should not take up your entire life.
Answer yourself:
- Who is your emotional support and support?
- Do you (can) compromise?
- What is the benefit, the benefit of feeling fear?
- How well do you communicate with your partner?
- Do you feel financially insecure?
- Do you have to force yourself to save your marriage?
- What will life be like without a man?
We tried to be away from home more
We spent most of our time apart, but somehow we didn’t want to be together. It was normal for my husband to come after 9-10 pm. I fell asleep calmly when I put the baby to bed. We could barely meet until the weekend.
Everyone also spent Saturday and Sunday in their own way. I walked with my son and tried to meet with friends. My husband spent time on his laptop: studying, working, movies, games.
I used to tug at him and ask him to spend time with me. He reluctantly agreed. Then I left him alone. I myself felt more comfortable this way.
My husband took up a hobby - archery. I became interested in pole acrobatics. As a result, we scored ourselves five evenings a week of separate leisure time.
The next distance was vacation. Everyone rested on their own and considered this the norm. We convinced others that it was easier and cheaper. That's true, but we wanted to travel without each other.
Conclusion
When the atmosphere in the house is depressing, you subconsciously look for an opportunity to be there as little as possible.
Go to work earlier, stay late, respond to any offers to meet with friends, come up with a hobby that takes up all your free time. Your spouse silently supports your absence. You leave when everyone is still sleeping, come back and everyone is already asleep.
The problem is not in the mode itself. The problem is that both of you are okay with it.
Sex became less and less frequent
During pregnancy and especially after childbirth, my sexual appetites diminished to zero. This is largely due to how my life changed; there was no time for love. But then, when everything stabilized, I realized that I did not feel attracted to my husband. And it wasn't about him.
He was a good lover and knew exactly where and how to stroke me to make me tremble with delight. His sexual impulses always let me know that I was desired.
But I still felt that I did not experience emotional intimacy, so I often refused him, citing fatigue and getting up early. The amount of sex dropped to once a month. I perceived it as a marital duty and in 9 cases out of 10 I tried to end it as quickly as possible. It was nice, but unnecessary.
Conclusion
In a healthy relationship, the quantity and quality of sex suits both. There are couples for whom intimacy once a month is enough, but for some, six times a day is not enough. But if you constantly send your partner with the words “I want to sleep, let’s not tonight,” something is going wrong.
How to decide for you
Divorce is very difficult to go through on your own, and many people make the mistake of not working with a specialist in this situation. Divorce is the second most stressful event after the death of a loved one, and it can be very dangerous to go through alone.
I am a psychologist and provide consultations via Skype. Working with relationships is one of my main areas of focus. Before, during and after a divorce, I not only provide support, but also help you figure out what exactly led you to the situation where you are now, and how to change so that you no longer create such circumstances in your life. What fears, beliefs or behavior of yours led to what is happening to you now. And of course, you will get through current events several times faster and easier with a psychologist than alone. On this page you can find more information about me to get to know me better.
You can view the cost of services here. You can read or leave reviews about me and my work using the link.
I also made a video for you with a detailed answer to the question “How do you know if your family is worth saving?”:
We stopped being interested in each other
With a generally caring attitude, I stopped immersing myself in my husband’s life; it no longer interested me.
One day my husband got sick and went to the hospital; he had to have an operation. I visited him only twice during my 14 days in the hospital. For the first time I brought documents, things and food. The second time I came after the operation. When he asked if I would come again, I was sincerely perplexed: “Do you need to bring something? What should I do there, hold your hand? I have a lot of things to do, I can’t.”
It's a shame. And I was offended when I returned from the traffic police exam with a driver’s license after 10 hours of stress, and my husband only said: “Cool, well done. Will you pick up your child from kindergarten tomorrow?”
Conclusion
Lack of immersion in the life of a partner, support, warmth is not revenge, but banal indifference, for which one cannot be blamed.
Feelings are either there or they are not. And they cannot be faked.
Indifference is a sign that the relationship is over, only functions remain: earn money, look after the children, maintain order in the house, cook food. This is not how spouses live, but roommates or bedmates.
State duty and cost of lawyer services for divorce through court
We have already said that through government services, divorce will cost a little less than with the standard payment procedure. But let's take a closer look at the prices:
- To dissolve a marriage in the standard way. Six hundred rubles for one spouse.
- To determine the procedure for communicating with a common child or to resolve other non-monetary requirements. Each claim requires payment of 300 rubles.
- To divide property. The maximum duty is 4% of the value of the property being divided.
- To consider a case regarding the collection of alimony. You need to pay 150 rubles.
If you hire a lawyer, the price of their services will depend on the region, circumstances, and professionalism of the specialist.
We quarreled with anger
My ex-husband and I have non-conflicting characters, so dishes in our house never broke. However, sometimes quarrels arose, and we tried to hurt each other more painfully, to accuse each other of something.
Sometimes the squabbles ended with me talking about divorce. One day my husband really began to pack his things. I cried and ran to the kitchen. I’m sobbing, and thoughts are spinning in my head: “How am I now? So, get up at 7:15, take the child to kindergarten.”
We separated not on that day, but later. But the way we fought and what we were trying to achieve clearly signaled that it was time to separate.
Conclusion
Unhealthy relationships lack caring and acceptance of each other's emotions. We behave coldly and instead of resolving the conflict, we are looking for something else to remember.
Healthy relationships also have arguments. Everyone is different and views the world differently, so disagreements are normal. But in the conflicts of a happy couple there is always a goal to make peace.
What do I want to get out of a quarrel? Sleep separately? No talking for three days? Or do I want to live a happy life with this person? If the latter, then even in righteous anger you will choose your words and try to talk about your feelings.
Why is it important to work through fear?
After a breakup, people often talk about a constant feeling of sadness and emptiness , longing for closeness, fear of loneliness, and lack of hope.
Others feel anger, feel resentment and injustice, and irretrievably lost time. Some people feel betrayed and deceived.
Working through fears and making a decision about separation is a necessary measure of “self-medication.”
The result should be acceptance of the situation so that, without constantly returning to the past, one learns to appreciate what already exists. The opportunity to realize oneself again and look with hope into the future depends on this.
I began to dream about what my life would be like without my husband. And I liked it
If you're feeling afraid about a breakup, imagine that what you're afraid of has already happened. What will you do about it?
This is necessary for the brain to develop an action plan and calm down. Not only will you stop worrying, but you will also understand how to lay down straw in case of misfortune.
I was afraid too. How will I live if I get divorced? I will be left with a child and a million financial difficulties. What will i do? And in 10 minutes my brain drew the following plan:
- Rent out your existing apartment.
- Rent an apartment within walking distance from the kindergarten.
- Transfer all of your child’s classes to kindergarten so as not to have to travel around the city.
- Transfer work to remote mode and collect orders so as not to waste time and money on travel.
I developed an understanding of my actions in case of divorce. Now we need to think about how to approach this. What emotions does the thought-up plan of action evoke? Do you want to live such a life?
If the answer is no, all is not lost. If the answer is “yes,” then congratulations, you will soon get rid of the oppression of unnecessary relationships and become freer and happier.
I suddenly realized that I liked my plan. I will spend more time with my son, without being distracted by my husband and without worrying that they are not communicating much. At that moment our family fell apart.
Conclusion
Try to imagine life after divorce. If you can’t, then you are not yet ready for such a step. If you can, but you don't like it, you don't need a divorce. If you have presented and everything suits you, get a divorce.
How to work through it and get ready for separation?
Women:
Understand that your chosen one is not the only man on Earth.
Don’t make an idol out of him, don’t make it a categorical taboo, denying yourself the attention of other representatives of the stronger sex and friendly communication with them.- Don't try to be perfect in everything. Fear develops in those who try to become impeccable in everything. Give yourself the right to make mistakes, little feminine weaknesses and imperfections.
- Don't forget about the laws of the universe. You can meet “the one and only forever” on the long journey of life only in a fairy tale. You shouldn’t completely immerse yourself in the family tandem and experience everything like it was the last time.
- Look at yourself through your partner's eyes. Fear kills lightness and ease, which is what men value in marriage. Therefore, try to smooth out the sharp corners and not tie your chosen one to you, as if the light had converged like a wedge on the second half.
- Add simplicity to everyday life: replace the ultimatum with a conversation to understand whether you are looking in the right (united) direction. If there are no quarrels over trifles and far-fetched claims, then the fear of separation will not be so inevitable.
For men:
- Realize and accept the fact that you are afraid of separation. Say frankly: “Yes, I’m afraid of losing her.” Try to understand the reasons for the condition: is it a fear of loneliness or just a fear of losing a comfortable, familiar life?
- Imagine that the separation has already happened. Feel your emotions physically, think through the algorithm of your behavior in the current situation, choose ways to resolve the issue in favor of a normal existence, and not the blues and depression.
- Don’t be afraid to admit your fears to your significant other - talk frankly, discuss the motivation for your fear, preferably in a calm environment without distractions.
- Focus on life as the highest value. On the path of fate, people come and go, but you always remain with yourself. Even if one marriage breaks down, this is not a reason to give up.
- Accept the “death” of a partnership as the beginning of something new: engage in meditation, auto-training, spiritual practices, trying to program yourself to be positive.
Is it possible to save a problematic relationship?
You can save a relationship if both want it. But their dream is not to save the family, but to stay with their partner. Saving your family is about decency in the eyes of others and an abstract sense of duty. And the desire to be with a loved one is about a personal, conscious choice.
It happens that people simply do not know how to communicate and live together without destroying each other. Some have a hot temperament, others have problems with self-esteem. If you both feel bad, but without each other it’s even worse, then the problem is not in the choice of a partner, but in the quality of communication.
Read books on relationship psychology
"The Paradox of Passion" by Dean Delis and Cassandra Phillips
A book about imbalance in relationships, when one loves and the other not so much. From it you will learn where love disappears and why this happens, who the strong and weak partners are, and how to resolve conflicts correctly.
The book will be useful for weak partners who feel dependent on their other half and believe that the relationship rests only on them. You will understand why your partner is less and less attracted to you and learn how to become stronger, restore harmony and self-sufficiency.
The book will help the leading people in a couple to figure out what happened in the relationship and where the former love and passion went. You will begin to better understand your partner's motives and learn how to help him become more independent and calm and stop holding you near him.
Buy on Litres.ru
"The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman
A book about different forms of manifestation of love. Some feel love through time spent together, and some through physical care and assistance. For some, small but frequent gifts bring ecstasy. In total, the author identifies five types: time together, help, encouragement, touch and gifts.
Look among them for yourself and your soul mate. You may want to learn to love your partner in the way that pleases him best. The book will be useful to everyone who needs good relationships not only with a loved one, but also with other people.
Buy on Litres.ru
"Games People Play" by Eric Berne
The point of the book is this: people tend to play social games. There are simple stroking games that are known to everyone and accepted in society. For example, I came back from vacation, and you ask how I spent it.
There are more complex and dangerous games - scenarios. A person unconsciously looks for his script and plays it out. They are ingrained in us from childhood and can be good (become a doctor and save lives) and bad (saving the lives of others, not remembering yourself, burning out at work and dying at 35).
My scenario is that if you become pregnant, you definitely need to marry the child’s father, you can’t get a divorce - you need to raise a partner. I did not see any other options for the development of events and went straight towards this marriage, as if fulfilling a program. Only five years later I asked myself: do I really want it? Do I need this?
Buy on Litres.ru
You can read more about dependent relationships in the article by psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky “Family therapy is a divorce.”
Go to a psychologist
Another way to harmonize relationships and life in general is to go to a psychologist. But it’s better not together, but separately.
Psychologists don’t tell you how to live or give valuable advice about the toilet lid. They ask questions, help you look at the situation from different angles, put yourself in the other person’s shoes and realize that something is wrong. You find the way out yourself.
Psychologists help to effectively cope with anxiety, fears and anger through various therapeutic practices, such as art therapy or sand therapy.
As a result, you will no longer be affected by your spouse’s unpleasant behavior, and you will learn to be happy and stable.
After this you will have two options:
- your harmony will have a positive impact on your partner, relationships will improve;
- you will realize that you no longer need this relationship, and you will soon separate.
When the only option is divorce
My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body forever acquires immunity. Was this marriage a failure? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.
We always attract only the right people. We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, we become better. I needed a man with whom I could be a superwoman, to be proud of the burden of my life.
Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.
Life after divorce
You have given yourself a ticket to a bright future. Yes, this acquisition came at a price: tears, misunderstanding of others, shock. But you coped with everything and you can be proud of yourself. The test of marriage has made you stronger. Divorce helped me finally get back on my feet and gain independence. It is much easier for a psychologically established person to build relationships with the opposite sex on the most comfortable terms for himself.
Don't be afraid to break up with a partner who is clearly not right for you. A timely break will help postpone the autumn of life for an indefinite period. You will regain hope for happiness, living in anticipation of meeting your ideal soul mate.
