Divorce: those who want to save their family must fight to the end

Sooner or later, the question of divorce arises in almost any family. Since marriage is always a relationship between two people, conflicts and contradictions arise from time to time. Quarrels at the beginning of a relationship usually end very quickly in reconciliation, but as the relationship develops, the appearance of children, a shared life and marriage obligations, quarrels become more serious and lasting.

Most often, a woman is more worried about the possible breakdown of a marital relationship, for whom the breakdown of a family is not only the loss of a partner, but also a great disappointment and a loss of self-confidence. In addition, when thinking about divorcing her husband, a woman cannot help but think about how this will affect the life and emotional state of her children.

Doubts about whether to get a divorce or whether it is better to save the marriage can continue for years, which leads to constant tension, dissatisfaction and nervousness in the woman. Naturally, this situation does not contribute to strengthening the relationship between spouses.

If the question of divorce has already arisen, then you should not try to avoid the unpleasant topic, leave everything as it is and continue to live in an atmosphere of uncertainty. First of all, you need to determine what exactly you are not happy with in your relationship with your spouse and talk to him about it frankly, but at the same time avoiding reproaches and accusations. The purpose of an intimate conversation should be to find opportunities to resolve disagreements, and not to splash out negative emotions.

The most difficult thing in making a decision to divorce is the choice between feelings and reasonable arguments. On the one hand, even with a huge number of claims against each other, a certain closeness and tender feelings remain between the spouses, on the other hand, sometimes it is obvious that the relationship has long reached a dead end, and it is no longer possible to change the situation.

The relationship has reached a dead end

If a husband and wife have opposing opinions on every issue of living together, raising children, and intimate relationships and do not want or cannot find a compromise solution, then trying to save such a marriage will be extremely difficult.

The decision to divorce is influenced not only by the opinions of the spouses themselves, but also by relatives and friends. Often, having realized that divorce is inevitable, spouses, especially wives, live together for a long time, fearing that divorce will cause a negative reaction from others. In such a situation, it is necessary, first of all, to follow your own desires and needs, and not the opinions of third parties.

And before you make your intention to divorce a reality, you need to honestly answer yourself whether you really want this or not.

Divorce is stressful and psychologically traumatizing for each partner. The statistics of post-divorce problems are disappointing: every eighth woman commits suicide, more than half suffer from severe depression that requires treatment. Men who initially believe that newfound freedom or a new girlfriend is a reason to start a new rosy life, after a few years they begin to suffer from post-divorce depression and every third is ready to reunite with their ex-wife.

On average, returning to “normal life” takes 1-2 years. It is after this period that you will be ready for a new productive relationship. But for this to happen, it is necessary not to revel in self-pity, not get out of bed and not rush into all seriousness, drowning out the pain.

Difficult period

The most difficult period is the first weeks after a divorce. Devastation, resentment, fear of the future, loneliness cover us like a wave. At this time, paradoxically, it is necessary to give free rein to the negativity: cry, speak out. But prolonging this period is dangerous - this is the path to depression. So what to do next? Maximum program:

• -maximum activity: physical, business, communication.
• - many pleasant experiences: meeting friends, new hairstyle, spa treatments, traveling.
• -maximum employment. Try to have as little time as possible left to think about what happened.

If “heavy” thoughts still visit and carry you into the abyss of melancholy and hopelessness, use visualization techniques: imagine yourself after some time happy, successful, loved and loving. Start believing it - and the universe will hear your request.

And, most importantly, sincerely forgive your ex-spouse. Then the process of “recovery” will accelerate many times over. Evaluate your new position in terms of freed up time. After all, now, without looking back at your ex, you can plan and realize the dreams you want.

Divorce is not a catastrophe on a universal scale, but only a revolution: old values ​​are overthrown in the name of building new ones

This topic is relevant and almost inexhaustible due to the fact that in modern society the institution of marriage is experiencing a crisis. According to statistics, every second marriage breaks up. The severity and complexity of living through the life situation of divorce are such that the stress experienced during divorce is equated to stress due to the death of a loved one. In this article, I decided to highlight my experience as a psychologist with women experiencing divorce at the initiative of their husband, because the overwhelming majority of women turn to a psychologist in a situation of divorce.

Grief and loss

Grief and loss is an emotional state, the first stage of which is shock. If a woman was not ready for a divorce, did not suspect her husband’s intentions, she experiences a deep shock. A person wants to cry, sobs may come. This is all a natural reaction to what is happening. Unfortunately, many people still have the opinion that you shouldn’t cry, it’s shameful, and sometimes the reaction to other people’s tears is comparable to the horror of a natural disaster. Meanwhile, tears are the soul’s way of relieving its pain. The more we hold ourselves back, the worse we feel.

By refusing to cry, we avoid encountering feelings of grief, sadness, melancholy, loneliness, and therefore avoid expressing these feelings in crying. Thus, we continue to carry them within ourselves and the mental pain does not become less. American biochemist William Frey found that tears caused by grief remove toxins and stress hormones from the body, that is, in other words, he scientifically substantiated the need to cry.

But the mental pain that women talk about is almost unbearable, “you want to howl like a wounded animal.” Pain overshadows everything; it seems so huge that there is nothing else besides it. A person is alone with this pain. Questions come: “Why do I need this?”, “What was done wrong?” Believers are trying to see what happened as punishment for their sins. At this time, the presence of a close, caring person - a friend, relative, psychologist - is especially important to support the woman, listen and just be there.

When it's time to sound the alarm, why do you need to do it on time?

If several signs of an imminent ending appear, you should take measures to help your partner and yourself, return happiness and warmth to the relationship, and prevent the breakup of a couple or family. Becoming more attentive and caring towards your partner, adding variety, coming up with a trip together - it doesn’t require much effort, and the relationship will sparkle with new colors.

If separation is inevitable, it is necessary to protect yourself from a sudden proposal of a break, which can unsettle a person for a long time.

Situations in which a couple is doomed to divorce

In some cases, it becomes obvious that the union or marriage has outlived its usefulness and will soon be over.

1. Lack of respect for the partner as an individual, neglect, ignorance.
2. Physical danger, abuse, moral abuse of a partner, children.
3. Dependence on alcohol, smoking, and other addictions that the partner does not strive to overcome.
4. Lack of work, unwillingness to solve serious issues.
5. Personality disorders or similar character traits: selfishness bordering on narcissist syndrome, pathological jealousy.
6. Relationships are perceived as a heavy burden. Vivid feelings have disappeared, together it feels bad, but being alone feels unusual and scary.
7. Regular cheating.
8. The pain of betrayal, the inability to forgive.

In what cases can an alliance not be broken?

Before making an important decision, it is necessary to analyze all aspects, pros and cons , to decide what exactly to save and whether it needs to be saved. The following signs indicate the value of a relationship:

• compatibility of partners at the physical, emotional, intellectual level;
• sincere feelings;
• presence of children;
• financial stability;
• absence of bad habits;
• respect, care, lack of aggression.

Why is the heartache so intense?

Living with another person side by side for years, sharing shelter, bread, a bed, giving birth and raising children, a woman seems to grow together, merge with him, and cannot imagine her existence without her husband. Along the way, she “completes” his image, complementing it with non-existent, but so necessary, remarkable features. A woman is confident that she can rely on her husband, who is behind him, like “behind a stone wall,” while all household issues, raising children, business development and much more rest with her, and always have. But most of our women, unfortunately, tend to devalue themselves and overestimate the benefits of their marriage as much as possible. Therefore, experiencing a divorce from your husband is complicated by parting with illusions dear to your heart, and this insight is not easy.

The feeling of being “doused with ice water”, “brought down from heaven to earth” accompanies parting with the previous perception of one’s life. Often women have a feeling of guilt, confidence that they did not do something important to save the family, for the departed husband. The slightest oversights, inattention, omissions, mistakes are exaggerated and contribute to the development of ideas of self-blame. A psychologist helps a woman return from a destructive position to a constructive one, because guilt distorts the sense of reality, promotes self-destruction and gives the woman the feeling that only she is responsible for what happened. But responsibility for the relationship lies with both, which means that both, including the husband, contributed to the destruction of the marriage.

Public opinion

“Public opinion” plays a big role; It is prestigious to have the status of a married woman, even if the husband has not fulfilled his functions as a spouse for years - he does not provide, does not help, abuses alcohol and, possibly, beats. After a divorce, a man becomes “free”, and a woman becomes “abandoned”. Behind this lies low self-esteem, an inability to put your interests and yourself first in your life. And sometimes it takes a psychologist a lot of time for a woman’s opinion to change, and for her own interests to come to the fore, and not for the fear of being judged by others.

Next comes the experiencing stage , which is the most intense in the grief process. An awareness of what happened begins, thoughts appear that the person with whom you have lived for years may never have been what you imagined. At this stage, the psychologist draws attention to the fact that it is impossible to devalue the entire life together with him because of one act of a person. The least painful thing for a woman will be to accept the life path she has traveled with her partner as filled with her own precious moments and memories.

Even if the ex-husband tries to cause pain, saying that he considers the years he lived a mistake, that he never loved his wife. Such statements during a divorce cause deep emotional wounds, complicating an already difficult situation. In such cases, it is important for a woman not to succumb to provocation - after all, it is obvious that the husband wants to hurt because he is angry, because the decision to leave was not easy for him. For example, one woman, after consulting with a psychologist, answered her husband like this: “I’m sorry that you lived your life with me so unsuccessfully, personally, I was very happy.”

How to communicate with your ex-husband

It is better for women to build communication with their ex-husband during the divorce process around resolving business issues, protect their feelings, and not allow them to be hurt. Unfortunately, divorce often turns into a battle, where ex-spouses compete with each other in the severity of the blows inflicted, trying to hurt, hurt, and finish off as painfully as possible. To whom and what can this prove? The fact that separation does not become easier, and that emotional wounds will then have to be healed for many, many years, is obvious to everyone except the former spouses. It is more advisable to save your mental strength for someone and something more important, for example, for children and new relationships.

The process of experiencing grief is characterized by the loss of previous, natural patterns of behavior. Haste and fussiness are noted in actions, the person turns out to be completely incapable of the simplest organized activities. Over time, you essentially have to relearn the range of everyday activities. The difficulty stems from the fact that these affairs naturally evoke memories of the departed spouse and bring emotional pain. Those who are grieving very often have to “learn” how to do them all over again, overcoming the experience of the lack of meaning in life after what happened.

It is important for a psychologist to explain to a person that the process of experiencing loss takes time, that it takes months and even years for people to adapt after a divorce. Therefore, there is no need to force yourself, in a state of severe shock, to engage in any kind of vigorous activity for which you simply do not have the strength. It is important to accept the fact that an important stage in your life is happening now, which requires strength and attention to yourself.

Psychologist Elina Sukhodolskaya

Just a pause or has the end of love come?

Small breaks for relationships are beneficial. The result may be overcoming the crisis, or the end of the relationship.

There is an opportunity to be alone with yourself, rethink recent events, and understand whether people need each other.

Sometimes the pause is caused by resentment, a test of the beloved’s strength, an expectation of activity, attention, and the transition of the relationship to a new stage. In this case, the partner is not indifferent to what is happening; such a union or marriage has a chance to be saved if a compromise is reached.

If during a time-out the partners feel good without each other, there is no melancholy, emotions have cooled down, then the relationship will be over.

Praise your significant other

This advice can be called a little dishonest, but it helps preserve the family hearth almost without fail. It will be especially relevant for the fair sex, since men love to be praised. Your husband should always feel special and be rewarded for even minor work. In this case, everyone will benefit, because the housework will be completed, and the man’s self-esteem will increase significantly.

Of course, men should also take note of this advice, since beauties also want to feel useful. If a girl sees that her efforts are appreciated, then she will certainly continue to improve at the same pace. For example, if a beauty has done all her homework and still finds time to help you, then be sure to thank her or organize a romantic walk or dinner.

Learn to distribute responsibilities

Don’t know how to save a family if your wife stops loving you? Try to return the old feelings to your soulmate by completely changing your life together. However, try to pay attention to absolutely everything. For example, many women feel that all household responsibilities fall on them: cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, childcare, gardening, and so on. How can you talk about love when you work all the time except sleep?

Try to help your wife by taking on some of her responsibilities. It will be much easier for a man to cope with this or that job, and women are designed in such a way that they also want to spend a little time taking care of themselves. To prevent your everyday life from turning into mutual reproaches that one party or another does not fulfill its obligations, make a specific list or even a work schedule that will allow you to cope with your home routine much faster.

Is divorce inevitable after cheating?

Divorce due to infidelity can be avoided, but not always and not for everyone!

Cheating is the point of no return for a couple. This is a place for a complete relationship reset. Only partners can make an unambiguous decision - to get a divorce or save the family. When discovering the fact of infidelity, it is important not to rush and not make hasty conclusions and decisions, since after the emotional intensity has passed, you can come to the understanding that divorce was not the only solution. Of course, it is important to understand that betrayal does not happen just like that, it always has a number of reasons and is rather a consequence of such situations:

• Sexual dissatisfaction. Differences in sexual temperaments.
• Lack of dialogue between partners.
• Difference in values ​​and unwillingness to share the values ​​of another.
• Birth of a child. There are usually a number of reasons why cheating happens.

Scenario two: something went wrong

Katya had a happy childhood.
Mom and dad lived in perfect harmony. Every Saturday my mother cooked borscht with pampushki... Katya grew up and married a not very worthy man, as it turned out. She, just like her mother, diligently cooks borscht, but her husband is lying on the sofa at this time. She goes with the children to the park, and he and his friends go to the bar. She studies physics with her son in the evening, and he studies anatomy with a young intern.

Her life did not go according to her parents’ scenario at all. And now the same psychological trauma that did not exist in a happy childhood overtakes her in adulthood. Family life failed, Katya is unhappy.

Divorce of spouses and the child’s psyche: how to avoid problems?

The child's psyche is not strengthened. In order not to harm her, you should not only talk with the child, but also be guided by the tips presented below.

Here are the recommendations psychologists give regarding keeping children’s psyches in a normal state:

• Be especially careful and careful if there is only one small member in the family. The fact is that children who have brothers and sisters experience their parents’ divorces more easily. They can share all experiences among themselves, which in itself smooths out the negative consequences;
• break up peacefully and show your child that nothing will affect your feelings for him. An even better option is when he feels that the parents’ respect for each other has been preserved;
• do not forget about the importance of caring for your child even after the “worst” is over;
• do not limit your partner’s communication with the child. Remember: he feels everything. The presence of restrictions will lead him to bad thoughts and even suspicions.

What do you think are the ways to protect a child’s psyche from trauma during a divorce?

In this I completely agree with the above theses. They seem fair.

33.33%

You are right in what you write about. I already had a similar experience; my ex-partner and I acted something like this.

66.67%

I can’t say, because my husband and I separated on good terms, but we haven’t decided on communication with our children.

0%

Voted: 3

Every case is different. We think with our own heads!

In any case, after looking at such comments, the most objective thing you can take away for yourself is the fact that the interlocutor will not be held responsible for any of the advice. Whether to accept the advice or not is up to the author of the problem voiced. If there are any consequences, then it is foolish to think that the advice was given incorrectly. In the end, advice is just that: following it is voluntary.

People will not make mistakes when they can learn to make decisions and realize responsibility for them. There will simply be no one to blame. And the failures or misfortunes that happen in people’s lives must be perceived as something inevitable due to one’s own incorrect behavior or a tragic combination of circumstances. Anything can happen in life, and its course consists of positive and negative moments. By accepting this, you can approach any situation objectively.

People who decide to divorce do so out of a desire to correct the situation and come to a better life. Sometimes the desire to run away from oneself is disguised as a desire to live a new and happy life. Of course, divorce will not be a solution to the problem, but the acquisition of new, more complex and insoluble ones. And some believe that something needs to be done, just not to stand still, not to “go with the flow,” because this is humiliating and a sign of weakness. No, that's not true! Sometimes it is calm, peace and waiting that are necessary to wait out the storm. In theory, inertia is also movement. Only death means the cessation of life as a whole.

If you have thoughts about divorce, then you need to decide on the most important thing: why and why? Will divorce really give you the opportunity to breathe easy and improve your quality of life? Will divorce really provide an opportunity to achieve new goals?

The need for divorce

Often the reason for divorce is the husband's aggression. Then the question of whether it is worth saving the family or not is not discussed. Unjust violence cannot be tolerated. Danger to physical/mental health is a reason to get a divorce - is family life a test of survival? Physical violence, systematic humiliation, pressure are accompanied by pathological jealousy and the desire to control.

The ban on working, meeting with friends, checking phone calls, and the requirement to keep receipts for money spent are common aspects of the aggressor’s personality.

If you become a victim of domestic violence, you should seek legal help. A professional will help speed up the legal process and take care of the client’s safety. When faced with domestic violence, you need to remember simple rules:

• Don't wait for extremes. At the first signs of violence, it is better to move in with relatives and friends - saying a firm “no” to the tyrant. If aggression occurs, complain to law enforcement agencies and film the beatings. The more evidence, the easier it is to prove the fact of violence;
• Sometimes you have to run away from your spouse. It is necessary to collect documents, money, medicines, important things in advance;
• Making the necessary effort to avoid your ex-spouse is a serious test of character.

Contact specialists. If there is no money, a victim of violence can receive professional advice free of charge. Social centers that help victims of domestic aggression offer help from a psychologist, a lawyer, and provide temporary housing and employment. If you are confused, it is better to entrust the divorce to an experienced lawyer - perhaps he will convincingly explain, preserving the family, why you should not get a divorce. The specialist will advise where to submit the application (registry office, court), what documents a divorce requires, how to speed up the process, and tell you about the rights of the spouses. The court may delay the divorce, giving the spouses the opportunity to reconcile.

Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:

Scenario one: like mom and dad

Masha had a happy childhood. Mom and dad lived in perfect harmony. Every Saturday, my mother cooked borscht with pampushki, while my husband beat out the carpet on the street. After school, the daughter returned home, the whole family had dinner and then leisurely got ready for a walk in the park.

Masha grew up and married a worthy man. Now she cooks borscht on weekends, while her husband vacuums while waiting for the children from school. Then the whole family goes to the dacha. Everyone is happy, there are no psychological traumas, but the case is extremely rare.

Save the family or get a divorce? How many people, so many opinions...

Modern people began to turn to the Internet for any help: how to properly bleach clothes, how to bake fluffy pies, even how to cure a child or how to improve relationships with their husband. Online communities are sites visited by anyone who believes that they can help others with their reasoning or advice. How effective is this?

Once on the Internet, one of the visitors to such a community brought up for discussion her personal situation, in which their conflict with her husband had reached such an extent that he stopped hiding his mistresses and lived his own life, and his wife did not know whether to save her family and endure it, or leave .

It should be noted that such topics cause quite a loud resonance. Someone responds because they themselves have experienced betrayal; some people just like to give advice; Some people sincerely feel sorry for the people in trouble. But there are a lot of comments. Some advise categorically and categorically: “Get a divorce without a doubt! You can’t allow yourself to be humiliated and not be taken into account.” Others recommend loyalty and caution: “What's the point of getting a divorce? What will be proven and to whom? It’s difficult to live alone, especially if you don’t have a job.” Some people recommend turning a blind eye to your husband for the sake of your children. At the same time, they advise you to think about work, income, and then divorce. This way, in their opinion, everything will be less painful.

Some, with a heightened sense of justice and, to some extent, harmfulness, will advise not to get a divorce, but to pay your husband in the same coin - to go out, have a lover, have fun and live “for yourself.” It is not a fact that this will lead to a truce or force the husband to return to the family, but with such a lifestyle, a wife should not be so offended.