How to save a family on the verge of divorce: advice from a psychologist, how to restore and improve relationships with your husband, wife, what to do, family therapist

Mendelssohn's March, congratulations, happy times, some had children, or maybe even grandchildren. And then everything starts to fall apart. Love, affection, warmth disappeared somewhere, and in return came alienation and coldness. How to save a family on the verge of divorce, advice from a psychologist will help.

How to maintain family relationships: reasons for divorce

There are no identical married couples in nature. If a family is on the verge of divorce, everyone has their own reasons; what to do so as not to cross this line, advice from a psychologist will tell you. Experts have analyzed various prerequisites that lead to marriage failure and identified the main ones.

The terrible word “betrayal” destroys even the strongest marriages. And if previously a woman was taught that men are polygamous, their nature is such that it is necessary to constantly assert themselves, saying that all men do this. A modern woman does not intend to tolerate even a small affair from her husband. The situation will be aggravated by infection of a partner with a sexually transmitted disease or AIDS.
The cup of patience is overflowing when one of the spouses has an alcohol or drug addiction. To these two widespread addictions, let’s add computer and gaming (cards, slot machines, roulette).
Reluctance or physical inability to have children by one of the spouses is another reason to separate. Moreover, when it comes to infertility, the reason for divorce is not the presence of this disease, but the unwillingness to solve this problem, for example, by taking a child from an orphanage.
Incompatibility of partners and not only characters. The reason for the breakup can be any disagreement, from national or religious beliefs, to differences in views on the educational process of children. The result is divorce.
Never-ending financial problems. To this reason we add the reluctance of one of the spouses to work. It is curious that even twenty years ago, a woman was afraid to be left alone, without the support of her husband, and even with children in her arms. Our contemporaries are so socially adapted that they do not feel the slightest desire to cling to the delicate bonds of marriage to solve such problems. As a rule, they are successful at work, are used to coping with difficulties of various kinds and do not want to play the role of a nanny for their husband.
For young families, the reason for divorce may be the unpreparedness of both spouses for the difficulties of marriage. We are talking about early marriages, especially if they are concluded due to the bride’s pregnancy. The birth of a child and the associated troubles become the impetus for a break.
Another scenario: after the birth of a child, a young mother devotes herself entirely to the baby, and her husband does not realize that his status has changed. That now he is not only a beloved husband, but also a young father.
With good intentions, the world collapses. Interference in the family life of relatives or friends, an attempt by them to impose their vision of the institution of marriage is another way to destroy this very marriage.
For couples with experience, this option for the development of relationships is possible: the children have grown up, stepped into independent life, and a void has formed. If the family held on only to raise the children, then that’s it, the mission is completed, and there is no need for further cohabitation.
In the category of fear of difficulties, the cause of divorce may be the illness or disability of one of the spouses.
Any form of violence - both physical and moral - is another reason for divorce.
Let us indicate another reason for family breakdown - dissatisfaction or complete absence of intimate relationships.

When is it worth breaking up?

A strong marriage requires a joint effort. If a husband or wife does not want to change their relationship for the better and invest, there is no point in saving the family. There are situations when the alliance does not need to be preserved, for example, if the partner:

requires the renunciation of important values (the desire to have children, to do what you love);
exhibits physical or psychological aggression;
suffers from addiction and does not want or cannot recover.

There are other good reasons for separation. Divorce used to be seen as a disaster. But in some cases, it is worth leaving a toxic relationship behind to find harmony and happiness. Start making tough decisions.

The following can worsen relationships and speed up divorce:

unwillingness to compromise or give in;
silencing claims;
unwillingness to take the first step towards reconciliation;
constant reproaches instead of looking for a solution to the problem.

If a relationship falls apart, how to save the family?

Let’s make a reservation right away: not all relationships can be saved. Moreover, there must be a conscious understanding of the need to preserve the family. When it comes to domestic violence, drug addiction, or a long-term prison sentence for one of the spouses, divorce may be the only option.

Marriage should be preserved when there is hope and desire for this. If you are at a crossroads, recommendations from friends and relatives do not have the desired effect - contact a professional. A specialist will help reveal all the nuances of the reasons for the breakdown of relationships, and practical advice from a psychologist will tell you how to save your family. Don't waste time. Advice from psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin will help you understand how to save a marriage.

Is divorce inevitable after cheating?

Divorce due to infidelity can be avoided, but not always and not for everyone!

Cheating is the point of no return for a couple. This is a place for a complete relationship reset. Only partners can make an unambiguous decision - to get a divorce or save the family. When discovering the fact of infidelity, it is important not to rush and not make hasty conclusions and decisions, since after the emotional intensity has passed, you can come to the understanding that divorce was not the only solution. Of course, it is important to understand that betrayal does not happen just like that, it always has a number of reasons and is rather a consequence of such situations:

Sexual dissatisfaction. Differences in sexual temperaments.
Lack of dialogue between partners.
Difference in values and unwillingness to share the values of another.
Birth of a child. There are usually a number of reasons why cheating happens.

How to save a family if there are problems in relationships?

“They lived happily ever after and died on the same day” is a story from a fairy tale; reality throws a lot of challenges at married couples. Some people have the wisdom to overcome them, while some couples drive themselves into a dead end, the way out of which is to break off the relationship. How to save a marriage on the verge of divorce, the answer is given by the advice of a psychologist:

The first thing you need to do is calm down, stop being hysterical, put yourself in order and tune in to the positive.
It is important to establish dialogue. Yes, it is difficult, especially if you are not eloquent and have not had much conversation before. Sit next to each other and just talk. You need to understand how to continue to live, what you want from your future life together. Listen without interrupting, even if you want to interject. Don't make any claims. Everyone’s task is to find out the true desires of their partner.
If you still can’t speak out loud, take a piece of paper and write it down point by point. Convince your partner to do the same.
Exchange lists, and whatever you see there, treat it with respect.
Outline a plan of joint action and follow it strictly.

What everyone is afraid of is betrayal

Betrayal by a husband or wife is a good reason for divorce. But if the cheater left the relationship, repented and asks not to file for divorce, then it’s still worth trying to save the marriage.

You can give a chance if the deceived party has the strength to forgive. At the same time, it is necessary to find out and eliminate the reasons for the betrayal, and work to restore trust. To avoid a repetition of the situation in the future, it is necessary to identify all problematic areas of family life. For example, coldness, indifference, insufficient support - all these are reasons for going to the side.

Taking a vacation away from home and your partner will help you get over what happened. Start over with a clean slate. If you have forgiven, then forget about what happened and under no circumstances reproach the traitor. Stay optimistic and calm.

Take the current situation as a sign that change is needed. Don't be self-deprecating. Everyone makes mistakes, no one is perfect.

If you cannot cope with the conflict in a couple on your own, then you can contact a family therapist. Even if it doesn’t work out to save the marriage, a specialist will help make the separation less painful and avoid a repeat of the situation in the future.

How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?

Ladies have learned to be forgiving of some shortcomings, such as scattered socks, an unscrewed tube of toothpaste, and an unopened toilet seat. It's a completely different matter when it comes to intimate relationships. If your spouse is cold towards you, as they say, you need to ring all the bells. And let's start with ourselves. Take a short excursion into the past, remember the days when everything was fine. Analyze what has changed since then. And start taking action.

How to save a marriage, advice from a psychologist to wives will help you find the answer:

learn to smile, do it sincerely, enjoy even the little things;
unobtrusively ask how your spouse’s day went (just don’t interrogate);
thank you for any kind of attention and help;
ask for help, make it clear that you need it;
always watch your appearance, because even if you go to the store, put yourself in order, do not make an exception at home, for your spouse you should be the most attractive;
let your husband be alone, take the children and go to your parents for a week;
get involved in a common cause. As the cartoon cat Matroskin said: “...joint work, for my benefit, brings us together”;
involve your husband in various activities related to your children;
try to surprise your spouse, do something unusual for you. If you used to cry quietly in a corner, start a scandal, maybe by breaking dishes. If you can’t stand football, buy a couple of cans of beer, a vuvuzela and sit down next to your beloved on the sofa.

To save the family, you will have to mobilize all your best qualities, but you must not forget that working with relationships is a constant process that lasts a lifetime.

What to do?

Go to couples therapy

Couples therapy is rapidly entering the lives of city residents, due to the enormous need for family support. After all, very few people support the family both systematically and conceptually - in a way that is convincing. But psychological fast food about “treatment of emotional dependence” and the inevitability of separation is selling well. That's why we are constantly breaking new records for divorces.

But people are getting smarter and realizing that a family is such a complex and costly project that it is worth making efforts to preserve it. Or at least for an “ecological” divorce: more and more people are striving to maintain normal relationships after separation and protect their children from suffering. And this is a very worthy motivation.

Of course, sometimes people do not quite correctly understand couples therapy, hoping that the therapist will work as a judge in an imaginary trial and finally judge who is right and who is wrong, sentence the bad one and prescribe correction, and reward the good one.

A diverging couple tends to fall into a state of war: he is bad, she is good - however, with minimally developed psychological skills, everyone quickly understands what is what. It is gratifying that people’s psychological literacy is growing year by year and couples are using therapy to survive crises and periods of misunderstanding.

Do not consider the crisis a disaster

Difficulties in the family are not accidental: they are obligatory and inevitable. But often, of the three participants in therapy, only the psychologist is ready to support the integrity of the family.

The fact is that in psychological science the idea of the family as a “small society” that functions according to the laws of the system is firmly established. In systems thinking there is no simple division into good and evil: if a system functions one way and not another, then it needs it to exist and that’s the only way it can exist.

Therapists offer family members exactly this view of their relationships: to recognize their psychological mechanisms as coherent systemic processes. The systematic approach partly reduces the burden of blame for troubles that lies on family members, and instead of making judgments, it offers observation and study of relationship processes.

Crises are stages in the development of both a person and relationships. Therefore, it is normal to strive to overcome the crisis and transform relationships. When the couple comes to a new consensus and overcomes the crisis, another long period of happy life together awaits them. Until the next crisis, of course.

Otherwise solve the demographic problem

The solution to the demographic problem is to stimulate women's desire to have children. But having to choose between a career and motherhood puts women in an awkward position. Therefore, they make their choice very clearly: the birth rate is falling and falling. Family support is so weak, despite the hypocritical rhetoric, and gender inequality is so obvious that, most likely, we will simply die out quietly and the empire will no longer receive new soldiers - and more resilient and adaptive systems will take our place.

Of course, society is developing dynamically, and I am sure that sooner or later there will be smart people who will understand that the key to solving the demographic problem is to simultaneously support the professional opportunities of mothers and compensate for the risks of housewives.

That it is necessary to support the professional competencies of women who have or want to have children and who want to return to work. There are many opportunities for this: through encouraging employers to give women and men the opportunity to work part-time, through paying nannies and benefits for grandmothers who want to help with their grandchildren. Nurseries should become a new stage in the efforts of the state after kindergartens; school is a completely separate conversation, because now it also does not help parents in any way. The natural cycle of “the first to go to school, the second to be born” no longer works, because school does not make life easier for mothers, but rather complicates it.

We must admit that raising children and being a housewife is a very risky job. The risk is that in the event of a divorce, the woman is left with nothing if the children have grown up, and with problems if they are still small. She hasn't even saved up a pension. And who needs it?

Many countries have thought out ways to compensate for the risk for the spouse who is raising children. Legislation in this area is very developed and formalized. There is no need to demand from people the ability to come to an agreement on their own where this is impossible: during a divorce, people do not negotiate well, they need help. State control over the conclusion of an alimony agreement and the obligatory nature of alimony payments is the same civilized solution as the collection of taxes and fines.

Only the creation of a supportive social environment and a clear working law will contribute to the desire to have a first, second and third child.
And everything else is profanation and even sabotage. Join the club

How to save a family in case of betrayal?

The first reaction is shock, misunderstanding, tears, anger and resentment. The ground is disappearing from under your feet. How to live after such a betrayal, what will happen to me and to the children. That's it, we stopped the frantic flow of thoughts, drank some water, washed ourselves, calmed down and turned on our brains.

Psychologist's advice for women:

The first thing you need to understand is that if your husband did not leave for another family, it means that the betrayal was only on a physical level, he did not fall in love and does not plan to destroy your family. If it were different, he would already be packing his bags. Now we need to figure out how to continue to live with this.
Let's think about it: even with a mistress, a man is in no hurry to leave the family. Reasons: reputation, children, employment, and a wife - more expensive.
Now you have to ask yourself if you are capable of forgiveness and living together.
If the answer is yes, then the first thing to do is turn off your phone. There is no need to report to your mother or friends about what happened. Of course, they would support you in this situation, but then, at every opportunity, this will be mentioned, which will undoubtedly cause pain.
Do not introduce children to this story - this is a matter for adults and do not start public quarrels.
But be sure to show your husband that the betrayal caused you pain. These should be one-time demonstration performances, but such that the traitor will feel the severity of the situation.
If you don’t dare to talk, you’re afraid that you’ll miss something important due to your emotions, or you won’t be able to find the right words, write him a letter.

How to restore a relationship with a wife on the verge of divorce - advice from a psychologist

If the goal is to save the marriage, then you need to go to it together. A man can control everything, even rebuilding a family. An experienced psychologist can help you improve your relationship with your wife on the verge of divorce:

learn to listen and hear your soulmate, even if it seems to you that what she says is not so important to you;
forget the catchphrase from the movie: “I’m an old soldier and I don’t know the words of love,” say tender words to your only one, remind her of this more often;
ask her to make a list of your shortcomings (in her opinion), study it and start fighting them. Even if you fail to cope with half the list, she will still appreciate your effort;
take on some of the household responsibilities, especially if you both work;
give flowers and gifts just like that, for no reason;
organize joint trips, no matter where - to the forest or a hypermarket;
talk to your spouse;
remember what attracted her to you, maybe you were the life of the party and the first guy in the village, and now your best friend is the sofa. Become the same person for her;
perform your marital duty regularly, do not be afraid to experiment.

Go to the YouTube channel and watch videos of interests that can help you in certain life situations.

How to restore a relationship with your husband if your marriage is at the stage of divorce?

To restore the relationship, you will have to use all your abilities, and perhaps learn something that you have never done. Your motto: wisdom, tact, restraint and patience. Your helpers: smile, good mood, attractive appearance. Be extraordinary, call on all your charm to help, forget about the headache. And go ahead, become for your husband the girl he once wanted to marry.

Tips for women

Homemaker, caring mother, housewife. This is what an ideal wife should have been like a century ago. But times are changing, now women are just as successful in their careers as men and do not plan to spend their lives in the kitchen with pots.

The wife’s task is not to lose her femininity and to be a support and inspiration for her husband, and not a competitor. Not everyone can do this, but it is possible.

Take care of yourself

No matter how many years you have been married, you should not relax and do not care about your reflection in the mirror. Excess weight, unkempt hair, and sloppy clothes will certainly not work in your favor.

It’s not even about the aesthetic component; appearance affects confidence and self-awareness. You want to be around a beautiful and confident woman.

Don't get caught up in everyday life

Thriftiness is a good quality, but everything should be in moderation. A wife should be able to carry on a conversation and have her own interests and hobbies.

The family will somehow survive without a freshly prepared breakfast, but an exhausted, limited wife will not evoke positive emotions in her husband.

Don't criticize your husband

Criticism, humiliation, ridicule will definitely not save a marriage. Pull yourself together and try to think constructively. Write down on a piece of paper everything that doesn't suit you about your partner. Think about what you have written that can and should be changed, and what is not at all critical.

Express all complaints in the most correct form, suggest ways out of the current circumstances. You will be surprised how your husband's reaction will change during a calm conversation.

A family on the verge of divorce: 7 challenges in relationships that will lead to love

It will take a lot of time to experience the true feeling called love. Not all couples achieve this revelation; some get stuck halfway, while others even break off the relationship without ever experiencing this happiness. Let us arm ourselves with the knowledge of the laws of love, and they will help us pass tests and experience true feeling.

The first stage is falling in love. The state of euphoria, butterflies in the stomach, in a word - chemistry. Lasts from a month to a year. At this stage, lovers tend to idealize each other: she is a goddess, he is the one and only. Well, enjoy the moment, go for it. Get to know each other better, find out if your views on life coincide. Just don't make plans for the future.
The second test is satiety. At this stage, lovers begin to take a closer look at each other. Some of the partner's shortcomings are already visible. The need to constantly be nearby disappears, selfishness manifests itself. Resentment and irritation accumulate. We take a closer look at each other, study habits, surroundings, notice shortcomings. You like each other and begin to behave naturally. We defend interests, but very delicately. Lasts up to one year. Grinding occurs. Couples gain experience in various life situations, learn to make decisions together and cope with assigned tasks.
The third test is rejection. All the positive aspects are forgotten, the emphasis is placed on each other’s shortcomings, and claims are made. “Where my eyes were looking!”, “Mom told me!” and so on. Sex becomes a formality or is absent altogether. Every couple goes through this stage, but not everyone remains a couple in the end. Look for compromises, eliminate conflicts. Respect each other. Remember the period of falling in love.
The fourth period is acceptance. Common ground is found, the understanding comes that you both feel good, and feelings are reborn. Problems are solved together. You are truly dear to each other. Traditions appear. Your motto: patience and tact.
The fifth test is service. Dedication stage. I want to do everything to please my partner. Gratitude, respect and tenderness are experienced. At this stage, it is important to revive romantic relationships, experiment, look for new things, make surprises.
The sixth period is intimacy. There is complete trust in each other. Secrets, intrigues, provocations are a thing of the past. Spiritual intimacy ensues. Don't stop surprising each other, look for new sensations.
The final stage of a relationship is love. Spouses, as one whole, understand each other without words. A true feeling is born, which is not afraid of any tests.

Advice from a psychologist: is the family worth saving for the sake of the child?

You honestly analyzed your relationship, weighed all the pros and cons, and discovered that, except for the child, you have nothing in common. Yes, it is good when a baby lives in a complete family, but this is not all that is required for his full development. Why saving a family for the sake of a child is not worth it:

In a family where there is no love, an atmosphere of hostility or indifference reigns. Even if parents do not show their emotions in front of their child, there is still a spirit of pretense and deception in the air. And this is a model of behavior that the child absorbs like a sponge and will apply it in his family. Moreover, without having before your eyes an example of a real relationship, the presented behavior will be considered as the norm.
Divorce of parents is certainly a shock for a child. But this is a one-time event. It is much worse if the baby is involved in an endless showdown.
For children, the meaning of the word “marriage” is unclear; for them it is important to have a mother and father. Even if they are divorced, but both are happy, they will give more to their child than tolerating each other in an unhappy marriage.
Over time, you will begin to reproach the child, saying that I dedicated my whole life to you, and you...

Living with guilt is a big burden. When deciding to save your marriage, do it for yourself and your happiness.

Economic problems

Problem 5: Economic imbalance and crisis of the patriarchal structure

The “I raise, you earn” system works - but only in a patriarchal structure with high income for men. But of course, in such a system, involved fatherhood is almost impossible due to the “division of labor.”

The result is a paradox familiar to many consulting psychologists: in Russia, the structure of families with high incomes (allowing women not to work) is similar to the structure of families in poor countries with low income and a lack of professional opportunities for women!

In this type of family, women develop financial dependence because they do not have confidence that they can provide for themselves. And men get the feeling that the family only needs them to earn money, and that if they already earn money, they can afford to “abuse power.” For the same reason, fathers sometimes “slow down” with their children, because for them each new child means the need to work more.

Of course, there are many women who fully realize themselves in motherhood - and this is wonderful. However, from an economic point of view, they are the ones least protected in divorce.

The situation with alimony in our country is shameful. The state has learned to collect taxes well, but for some reason it cannot force citizens to pay alimony for their children. The scope of alimony obligations between divorced spouses remains negotiable, and this creates a lot of problems. Until now, in our country, filing for alimony means sticking a knife in the back. The relationship immediately moves to a new level of hatred.

But this is wildness! If there was order in this area, life would be much easier for everyone. Moreover, I think that in some bureaucratic heads there is a false idea that non-settlement of alimony deters citizens from divorce and therefore this area should be left opaque.

But the fact remains: marriage is no longer an unshakable fortress, and divorces are commonplace. Including the later ones. And by the age of 40–50, when children have more or less grown up, it is already difficult to believe in yourself as a professional, to achieve from scratch what your peers have already achieved long ago. By this age, many women are in a severe crisis because they do not receive not only social recognition, but also gratitude for their “maternal feat.” Thank you if they don’t receive condemnation from their fathers (“It was convenient for you, but I was earning money all this time and was under terrible stress”) and from children (“Who asked you?”). It’s good if by this moment a woman who has fulfilled her role as a mother has material opportunities for beautiful consumption, charity, or traveling with friends. And if not?

Young fathers have their own psychological reasons for not insisting on a woman’s material contribution to the family, for example, the childhood experience of a working mother who was not enough, or a stay-at-home mother whom they, on the contrary, idealize. They want the best for their children and therefore support a woman’s decision to go on long maternity leave or not work at all. It seems to them that they can handle everything themselves.

But then men complain that the family’s needs are great, growing all the time and more and more difficult to satisfy. A second and third child are seen as increasing stress levels and responsibilities. In the profession, such fathers of the family often begin to choose money rather than their development, which means they become unhappy. Every second person complains about rare sex with his wife, because a child sleeps in the marital bed, and the woman is exhausted from housework.

And in general, intimacy in a couple can evaporate: they spend too little time together, there are too few common affairs and goals outside of parenthood.

Men do not receive satisfactory gratitude from their families for their sacrifices and earnings, and women do not receive recognition for their maternal and domestic work. And this happens even in good relationships, where family is the main value! In such a situation, disunity and mutual discontent grow, but often it is clearly expressed only in family therapy, when the couple comes into despair, disillusioned with family life and thinking that divorce is the only salvation and the last opportunity to restore personal boundaries.

Young people in modern Russia are experiencing a deep personal conflict between love for children and the realization of personal goals. They want to break negative parental scripts or reproduce positive ones - but this happens under impossible conditions.

Therefore, more and more often, young people choose loneliness, serial monogamy instead of a family, or postpone parenthood, as too difficult a task, for an indefinite period.

General recommendations: how to prevent divorce?

Discord happens in every family. Modern techniques make it possible to detect problems at an early stage and help resolve them. A family psychologist will give practical advice on how to save a family; for this, spouses are asked to take a test.

Talk to each other, don’t accumulate dissatisfaction, work on relationships, surprise, thank, praise and just love each other. Your goal is a diamond wedding.

And the videos on this channel will tell you how to deal with personal problems, fears, and how to improve relationships with others.