How to change yourself for the better - advice from a psychologist

Grow » goal setting

Mindvalley • December 23, 2022 6:21

Maxwell Maltz, who worked as a plastic surgeon in the 1950s, one day began to notice a strange pattern among his patients.

When he performed surgery—for example, a nose job—he noticed that the patient needed about 21 days to get used to their new face. Similarly, when a patient had an arm or leg amputated, he experienced phantom pain for about 21 days and then adapted to the new reality.

This experience prompted Maltz to reflect on his own period of adaptation to change and new behavior. He noticed that it also took him about 21 days to form a new habit. Maltz wrote about this experience and said, “These and many other commonly observed phenomena generally show that it takes a minimum of 21 days for an old mental image to dissolve and a new one to gel.”

In 1960, Maltz published this quote and other findings about behavior change in a book called Psycho-Cybernetics. It became an absolute bestseller, with more than 30 million copies sold worldwide.

But here a problem arose.

In the decades that followed, Maltz's work influenced almost everyone in the field of personal growth.

And as more people told Maltz's story - like a game of Broken Phone - people began to forget that he said the word "minimum" and simplified his thought to the phrase: "It takes 21 days to form a new habit." .

It is easy to understand why the myth of “21 days” was spread so quickly and willingly. The timeline is short enough to be inspiring, but long enough to seem believable. Who wouldn't love the idea of changing their life in just three weeks?

A similar experiment was conducted by the US National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Participants were given glasses with lenses that turned the image upside down. After 21 days, their brain was so accustomed to seeing it in the projection that the “miracle” of the lens gave it that it perceived the imaginary reality as reality.

So 21 days is the minimum to get your brain used to a ritual. But in the case of glasses, the subjects were essentially given no choice: they did not take off the glasses. Can the same thing be compared to trying to start going to the gym regularly? Read every day? Eating better? All these habits require our actions.

What is a habit?

Before you get used to doing any specific actions, you need to understand what the word “habit” actually means.

A habit is a certain pattern of behavior of an individual (human), the implementation of which develops into a need.

Simply put, a habit is an action that a person performs automatically without thinking about it. The emotional, psychological and physical state of the body depends on its implementation.

Our character is based on our habits. Therefore, there is no need to look for those to blame. It's always easy to do. But changing yourself and your attitude is difficult. Change yourself and you will notice how people around you change, how situations change and new opportunities appear.

What do habit and reflex have in common?

A correctly chosen habit becomes a reflex that forces the body to rebuild. The following experiment was carried out. A volunteer who liked to be different from other people decided to change his biorhythms and sleep during the day and stay awake at night. For 21 days, he rested during daylight hours and worked at night. After the habit developed, he decided not to sleep during the day for one day. By evening he was sleepy and lethargic, but as night fell, he felt cheerful and active again. This proves that habits are part of reflexes. That is, under certain circumstances, the body ignores the setting and performs its usual actions.

Become happy in 21 days - fashionable flash mob

Developing habits is not only useful, but also fashionable. A few years ago, such an intercontinental flash mob was popular. Anyone could take part in it. Each participant wore a purple bracelet on their wrist, after which they were not allowed to complain about anything for 21 days. If he still had vague thoughts, he had to take off the bracelet and put it on his other hand, after which the experiment would begin all over again.

The purpose of this action was to teach people to be optimistic and stop complaining about life. Project participants noted that the flash mob helped them change for the better. They began to look at life differently, and the experiment allowed them to become happy in 21 days.

A contract with yourself according to Bowen

By tying a purple thread on his hand (even if the “dressing up” happened more than once), a person must solemnly write on paper a kind of “agreement” with himself and subsequently try to comply with it as much as possible. These are the rules for 21 days:

remove from the house everything that you have not used for more than a year;
never leave cabinet doors, drawers, or entrance doors open;
everything that can be repaired is fixed; everything that cannot be repaired is thrown away;
within 5-7 days, draw up a detailed timeline of time spent without real benefit, and in the remaining period, reduce these losses to zero;
set up your family finances and draw conclusions;
come up with 10 ways to reduce household expenses and apply them all;
find additional income that also meets personal interests;
learn something new every day;
read a strictly defined number of pages of a good fiction book per day;
Dedicate 1 hour daily to a hobby;
play sports in a group;
give up 1 bad habit every 7 days;
exclude obviously unhealthy foods;
try to see only the good in others.

To clearly understand the duration of the experience and experience a positive uplift from the feeling of positive dynamics, you should keep a “21 Day Habits” calendar. Approaching the completion of the project, a person will begin to feel proud of himself, and the possibility of “failure” will become minimal.

How the 21 day rule works

Every day, millions of people try to develop a wide variety of skills, but not everyone succeeds. Psychologists have come up with one simple rule that, in their opinion, helps achieve the desired goal.

If you repeat the same action every day for 21 days, it is recorded in the subconscious, and we begin to do it unconsciously, i.e. automatically . To bring it to automation is our goal.

Experts in the field of psychology argue that daily work during this particular period deposits an attitude in the subconscious, thanks to which a habit is developed.

A habit transforms into a need over time. How? Let's look at an interesting example. Parents force a small child to relieve himself in a designated place. Over time, the importance of this process “reaches” his subconscious and he begins to ask to go to the potty. The habit of going to the child's potty, over the course of several years, develops into the need to go to the toilet.

About the profession of psychologist

A psychologist studies the motives and aspirations of human behavior. He uses his accumulated knowledge to overcome internal contradictions: worries about various events, relationships with society. His responsibilities include providing consultations on similar topics and developing recommendations for subsequent actions.

Psychologists and educational psychologists are in demand in kindergartens, schools, and public institutions. Some experts are the authors of methods, courses that allow us to resolve difficulties that have arisen, and conduct personal growth trainings. They allow you to develop in a person the qualities necessary for productive work and life.

Why does it take 21 days for a habit to form?

This is a completely logical question that interests everyone who has set out to instill in themselves this or that habit. I wonder why not 30 days or 35, but rather 21 days? In fact, this number is scientifically based, but to understand why it takes 21 days to form a habit, you will be interested in knowing a few historical facts.

The first person to put forward the “21 days” theory was plastic surgeon Maxwell Maltz. In 1950, he noticed that his patients, after operations on their appearance, got used to their appearance only after 21 days. He described his hypothesis in the book “Psychocybrnetics”. After the doctor’s work was lauded by society, people started talking about the theory everywhere.

20 years later, psychologists from London questioned the claim that a habit is formed in 21 days. They conducted their study in which 96 volunteers took part. It lasted 12 weeks. Each was given a task to regularly perform some specific action. After the end of the experiment, after analyzing all the results, they found out that the period of habit formation is different for each person. This is determined by the individuality of each person. Getting used to performing a certain action occurs within 18-254 days.

Another study was carried out by American scientists on astronauts. 20 people took part in the experiment. Each of them was given glasses that they did not have to take off for 30 days. These glasses were special. The secret was in the lenses. When putting them on, the world turned upside down (in the literal sense of the word), that is, the astronauts saw an inverted image.

Scientists noticed that it was after 21 days that the brain of each of the experiment participants adapted. If the glasses were removed on the 10th or 19th day, then the experiment had to be started again, because the effect disappeared. After the volunteers got used to seeing the upside-down world, they were allowed to take off their glasses. After which their brains were rebuilt again for 21 days.

Many consider the results of US scientists to be unreliable, since the astronauts did not take off their glasses during the entire experiment, which lasted about 300 hours. If you rely on their results, then in order to accustom yourself to daily jogging, you will have to run for 21 days, interrupting only to sleep.

Having studied the results of all the studies conducted, we can say that a habit is developed in a minimum of 21 days, and a maximum of 254. This is influenced by many factors, which we will now talk about.

Difficulties on the way to a new life

From the experience of psychologists observing the internal struggle of people striving for their ideal, we can conclude that half of all episodes of failures and “breakdowns” of patients occur due to the indirect fault of “public opinion.”

The social environment of a person, in which he previously felt comfortable, is an established cell that has its own norms of behavior and way of thinking of its participants. An individual for whom this shell becomes small has every chance of feeling universal condemnation and returning to past habits for fear of being left alone.

Experts recommend that an individual who expands the boundaries of his consciousness and is committed to change gradually introduce into his social circle people who have achieved mental balance or are close to the ideal to which the person strives. Over time, his need for people from his “former life” will completely disappear and the temptation to “fall into old habits” will disappear by itself.

How to force yourself to move forward

If you decide to acquire any useful habit and doubt your willpower, try to come to an agreement with your “I”. For example, you decided to read books before bed and thus develop, but you don’t know how long you will last. Think of habit formation as a 21-day experiment. This time will be enough for you to understand whether you need it at all or not.

Main! Just start doing it. Do it once and just repeat it tomorrow. So, day after day. Stop reading, go and do it! It’s also important to remember that over the years you will regret that you didn’t change something in your life, that you could have been more decisive! Think about it, root it in your head, say it out loud if necessary, when it’s hard to tear yourself away from the couch and go do what you planned.

And the first habit on the list is finishing things. Hold out for 21 days. Prove to yourself that you can do it.

For a habit to become a part of your life, it must bring joy, harmony and a sense of self-satisfaction. So don't be afraid to experiment and take action.

Take a piece of paper and write down 10 habits that will make your life better. Then choose the most desirable one. Commit to yourself that you will perform the action regularly for 21 days. Take a calendar and circle these days. Next to each date, put a plus if the task was completed today, or a minus if not. Such visibility will help you control the execution of actions and make you proud of yourself.

If at the end of the experiment you realize that you still don’t like the habit, quit it and start the experiment with a new task.

For example, if you read scientific literature every day for 3 weeks before bed, and after this period you do not feel satisfied, stop torturing yourself. If you still want to expand your horizons, try reading easy-to-understand books, poetry, classics, etc. By going through them, you will definitely find your favorite works and can develop a habit in 21 days.

The ability to refuse

Often bad habits, disguised as an annoying necessity (can’t relax without a cigarette, can’t cheer up without a cup of coffee), hold a person so firmly that he begins to give them the status of a manifestation of personal individuality. When it comes to giving up parasitic actions, the individual defends them with all passion, claiming that without the said cigarettes or drink, he cannot make decisions and will generally “lose himself as a person.”

A paradoxical situation arises - a person seems ready to develop and improve, but at the same time he is aggressive towards an imaginary encroachment on his comfort zone. Nothing good will come from trying to “pull” an object out of its shell, seeing such obvious resistance, because addictions are just the tip of the iceberg, visible on the surface. The reasons for this behavior are known only to the person himself, and until he wants to hold himself accountable, all attempts to improve his life are doomed to failure.

Self-control in the first stages of overcoming is very important, but it does not play such a decisive role in giving up bad habits as the person’s own desire to do so. You can’t lose weight by denying yourself the cakes you dream about at night. But you can convince yourself of the harmfulness of this product by watching a video that shows the unsightly side of their manufacturing technology. You need to hate the habit, and only then there is a chance to be able to give it up forever.

Step by step steps to form a habit

Forming a habit is a rather difficult and responsible process. It consists of several stages that must be completed. Now we will tell you how to do this step by step.

Decision-making . To develop a habit, you need to understand that you really need it. Besides this, you still have to want to get it. Desire will control your actions and help you overcome the difficult period of 21 days. For example, you decided to eat only healthy and nutritious foods in order to lose weight, feel healthy and vigorous. In this case, when you want to eat sausages, your subconscious mind itself will stop you.
Start . If you have a goal, then take action. Don’t put off such an important matter until “later.” Don't wait for a new week, month or good mood to come, because the habit will accompany you throughout your life.
Repeat for the first two days . After you have started active actions, you need to hold out for the first 2 days. This is the initial distance that will have to be overcome.
Repeat throughout the week . This is the second distance that needs to be covered. Every day, no matter what, perform the intended action. Habit formation does not include weekends and holidays.
Repeat for 21 days. By doing the action during this period of time, you will realize that you are doing it automatically. That is, the process of forming a habit is already bringing the first successes.
Repeat 40 days . It is necessary to continue to monitor the development of the habit after 21 days. After all, three weeks may not be enough. It depends on the complexity of the habit, motivation and individual characteristics of the person.
Repeat for 90 days . After you complete the steps for exactly 90 days, you can say with great confidence that you will form a sustainable habit.

Toasts

“Congratulations on Psychologist Day in Russia! I wish you improvement of professional skills, excellent work, interesting cases and grateful visitors. Good mood, interesting trainings, recognition at the global level and positive thinking!

“A psychologist is the main, indispensable specialist for our state of mind. A psychologist is a person to whom we can open our souls and share our most intimate things. A psychologist is a person who has a calling, talent, approach and a kind soul. Today is a big holiday - professional Psychologist Day. May only joy and good luck accompany you today. Let grateful patients give you beautiful bouquets of flowers. Let wonderful congratulations sound for you, and let a huge fireworks thunder in your honor, you deserve it. I wish you well-being and good luck, prosperity and comfort in your home, joy and inspiration in your work. Always be happy."

“One wise man said that the human soul is like a precious stone. Without proper cutting and setting, it cannot shine in all its facets. Continuing his thoughts, it is reasonable to compare a psychologist with a skilled jeweler who, understanding the value of a stone, knows how to create a real treasure out of it and highlight its colors. On Psychologist’s Day, I want to wish you a good mood and smiles every day, as well as new achievements in your jewelry work, thanks to which people’s souls play with light, just like diamonds!”

How not to break down?

We are all human and we tend to doubt. This also applies to habits. Sometimes, depending on his volitional abilities, it is very difficult for a person not to go astray from the intended path. Now we will share little secrets that will not only help you develop a new habit in 21 days, but will also strengthen your willpower.

Come up with a reward that you can afford if you don’t slack and complete everything on time.
Use positive reinforcement : self-hypnosis, imitation of someone, in general, anything, as long as it helps you stay on track.
Constantly motivate yourself . Without proper self-hypnosis, you will not achieve the desired result and will not understand that you really need the habit. If you find it difficult to do this, seek help from family and friends who believe in you. They will charge you with positive emotions and return you to the right path. In addition, look around you; those around you must have noticed the changes that have occurred in you. Positive feedback from friends and colleagues is also an excellent motivator. For example, if you decide to go to the gym, then within a couple of weeks you will notice how your body is changing. People around you cannot help but notice this. They will definitely speak positively about your habit, and your family will encourage your endeavor. This is what will force you to move on, without stopping there.
Make sure you perform the actions regularly . Habit formation does not tolerate even the shortest breaks. In case of failures, you will have to start all over again. Only daily work on yourself guarantees a positive result. It’s like taking pills: if the doctor tells you to take them 3 times a day for 4 weeks, then that’s what you need to do, otherwise the disease will return, and the result of the treatment will be meaningless. To make this easier, keep a diary of your successes and write down every day that the action was completed, what emotions it caused you, who appreciated your undertaking. When you feel like giving up, look through your notes. They won't let you stop halfway. Today it is fashionable to blog, so why not start now. A sense of responsibility to a large audience of readers will not allow you to stray from your intended path. And people, by the way, really love such experiments and watch them with pleasure.
Put in enough effort . They easily get used to only bad habits; useful ones are acquired through hard and painstaking work. Remember this and constantly work on yourself. If you want to quit, think about how much you have already done to make the habit a part of you. Once you realize how far you have come and how much you have endured, you will not want to stop.

Journaling

All your achievements and victories need to be written down in a diary specially created for this purpose, where you can paste both your photographs that motivate you to move forward, and positive pictures from magazines. In addition to your own impressions, your daily diary entry should contain the following 5 points with a detailed report on each:

“What important thing did I do today?”
“Who did I help today?”
“What new have I learned?”
“Can I reproach myself for anything?”
“What conclusions have I drawn today?”

By answering the questions asked, a person will be able to better understand his actions and learn to learn lessons from each situation.