At one time, the famous satirist Mikhail Zadornov said that you should never respond to an insult with an insult. After all, when a dog barks at a person, he does not get down on all fours, bare his teeth or bark in response. But our world is not ideal and, unfortunately, not only adults, but also children are forced to face various forms of aggression. Our children encounter aggressive behavior and insults in kindergarten, school, and on the street. Quite often, quite nice children begin to show verbal aggression - calling them names, being insolent not only to their peers, but also to their parents and adults. This behavior often baffles even the most experienced teachers. In such situations, adults often get lost, let alone children! How should a child behave in response to verbal aggression? In this article we will look at the behavior options of children and their parents, try to understand what can cause verbal aggression on the part of a child, and get acquainted with the recommendations of psychologists and teachers.
“When a person is hungry, he becomes angry and aggressive”
Maria Prokhorova
psychologist, accredited gestalt therapist
– This type of behavior, such as rudeness, is typical for people who are bitter, embittered and offended by the whole world. Most often, they grew up in a deficit of parental love and conditions of emotional hunger. And, having matured, such people act from the same deficit state, see the surrounding reality distorted and react very sharply to it.
A person in a state of completeness is happy with everything. He has no desire to notice the bad, to defend himself from the outside world and to be rude to passers-by - this is the lot of unhappy people.
A trivial example: when a person is hungry, he becomes angry and aggressive. And after physical hunger is satisfied, a person becomes kinder, softer, more accommodating. And in the case of emotional hunger, everything is the same.
Return to nature
Sometimes you really need a break from all the people around you. So take a weekend, a day or even an hour, and go somewhere for a walk in nature.
Let the sounds of nature replace the flow of chatter of the modern world
Notice the simplicity of the natural world and how harmoniously the plant and animal worlds coexist with each other
Breathe deeply, tune in to meditation. Focus on filling your body with fresh air and lifting your mood. And when you return to your daily life, you will feel refreshed and protected from absorbing the negative energy of those around you.
Why are people rude
In order to understand the reasons for boorish behavior, it is worth turning to parent-child scenarios and looking at the life context and conditions in which a person grew up: an adult demonstrates what he once saw. As a child, his psyche adopted certain patterns of behavior - consciously or unconsciously - and now he lives according to them.
In fact, rudeness is an acquired behavior that a person chooses for himself as the most suitable. This way he can simply defend himself . Protect your insecure, complex, wounded inner child, who himself needs help, but cannot demonstrate his own vulnerability, because he is afraid that the environment will use his weakness against him. Therefore, he uses attack as a method of defense.
It can be assumed that either there was physical or moral violence in this person’s family, or he was bullied at school - teenagers can be very cruel in their manifestations. And if this continues for years, then the child somehow absorbs patterns of behavior - and can subsequently reproduce them.
Reasons for children's insults and name-calling
Child psychologists name 5 main reasons that provoke a child to aggressive verbal behavior.
- Conscious verbal aggression . The child deliberately insults and angers peers and parents.
- Lack of attention. The child thus tries to attract the attention of others. Very often, name-calling in this case does not carry with it the desire to offend or offend anyone - rather, to have fun. This is a kind of provocation.
- Revenge . The child insults in retaliation for humiliation or out of envy.
- Habit . It is customary in the family to use obscene language when communicating. The child calls him names out of habit, and not out of malice.
- Low self-esteem associated with “non-standard” appearance . Physical disabilities cause a child to have complexes. His peers call him “bespectacled”, “Pinocchio”, “fat trust”. Aggression accumulates in the child, which spills out in the form of insults and name-calling.
Most child psychologists believe that verbal aggression is based on insufficient attention from parents and unmet children's needs. Namely, the lack of approval from adults, the child’s inability to communicate with peers, and his low self-esteem.
How to react to rudeness? It is useless to switch to the language of a boor
Most often , the first thing you want to do is respond to rudeness just as aggressively. And this is a normal reaction, which indicates that everything is fine with your internal boundaries, you feel their violation and can put the offender in his place, making it clear that you cannot do this to you.
However, in such a situation, it is worth remembering that switching to the language of a boor is useless - a constructive dialogue with him is impossible, and reading lectures and appealing to a sense of shame is a waste of time. This will only be an additional hook for the boor to further develop the conflict, feed on your energy and pump up his own ego.
In such a situation, it is best to restrain your impulse to respond with disgust to disgust , take a conditional step back and try to see what is actually hidden behind the mask of a boor. And if you manage to see, then the desire to be rude will immediately disappear, replaced by pity, sympathy and, perhaps, even compassion.
Instead of responding with rudeness, it is better to say something that will surprise, affect the boor, and change the picture of his world, in which all people are enemies and need to be protected from them. After showing kindness on your part, the boor's behavior will paradoxically change. For another minute or two, out of inertia, he will bite and defend himself, but then one way or another he will turn to his human nature, become softer and begin to demonstrate a completely different self.
Combine all methods at once
You can combine several tips together at the same time!
When you implement these skills into communication, you will become a master! You will always know how cleverly you can respond to an insult.
Here is a combination model in the seventh way:
She: You look like a hipster.
Me: Yes, my parents were hipsters. My grandparents were hipsters. But look at you. Your shoes are the most hipster of all.
Three reactions: fight, flight, freeze
People can have different reactions to stressful situations, but the most common are three: fight, flight or freeze.
The “run” option is good if you encountered a boor for a couple of minutes and life will no longer connect you - that is, he is an ordinary passer-by, and not a relative or work colleague. In such a situation, it is better to take care of yourself and ignore the attack, bypass it and not think about it. It is important to understand that this is done on purpose, and the insults that arrive have nothing to do with you - this person is seeing you for the first time.
The “hit” option (that is, answer) is appropriate if you feel your own strength and stability. However, it is important to take into account the context of the situation: getting into an argument with a boor while being one on one with him can be dangerous. The offensive behavior is best used in a public place where you can enlist the support of others. Moreover, you need to answer not in the language of a boor, but from your own stable position, simply outlining the boundaries of what is permitted in your address.
The “freeze” reaction rather indicates that you yourself are finding yourself in a traumatic situation. If in response to rudeness and aggression you freeze, cannot say or do anything, you are immobilized, most likely you need qualified psychological help. Perhaps at this moment you are regressing to the age of a child - and then it is important to determine what was in your history that you could not cope with.
In general, the best reaction to rudeness is humor. A condescending attitude towards an attempt to ruin your mood and a sarcastic response will confuse the boor, and will help you keep your self-esteem in balance.
How to remove negative energy from yourself
If you were unable to avoid a traumatic situation, you can use some traditional ways to get rid of negative energy.
Water is a universal way to get rid of negative energy:
In nature, you can give negative energy to water. It is best to come to the river, sit comfortably on the bank and talk, looking at the flow of water, about what worries and worries you. You can imagine how streams of negative energy pass from you to the river and are carried away with the flow; at home, water from the shower is suitable (take a shower for at least 20-30 minutes), at work - tap water (put your hands under the running water and wash your face thoroughly)
It is important to use running water and not standing water (for example, a pond); In an apartment you can also take a bath with Thursday salts. It is important to carefully drain the water and take a shower at the end.
Other ways to get rid of negativity:
- subject the body to intense physical activity: walk quickly for several kilometers, work out with dumbbells, clear snow near the house;
- give negative energy to any solid object that can be thrown away. For example, pick up a stone, talk about your troubles and throw it far, imagining how it takes your troubles with it;
- speak out, tell someone about your problems and experiences. The interlocutor can be not only a person, but also an animal, a doll, a painting, a tree;
- transfer negative energy to the fire. For example, sit by the fire in nature or light a candle at home. Looking at the flame, imagine how your negative emotions are burned and disappear.
If you are removing negative energy from yourself at home, after the session you need to cleanse your home: light a candle and let it burn for about half an hour.
What to do if they are rude to someone nearby?
It is important to understand both the context of the situation and your own reaction to rudeness. “Hit” and “flight” indicate that you have enough inner strength to resist rudeness and be a support to another person. In this case, you can become the very “adult” whose support the victim now lacks. Therefore, if you see that the person being attacked is not able to get out of a traumatic situation on his own, you can protect and support him.
This behavior will also be a lesson for the attacker, who will be able to see that not everyone is an enemy, but that there are also kind people who are ready to help.
If this is not an isolated incident with an ordinary passer-by, but situations are repeated regularly (for example, someone is constantly offended at work), then a very dangerous situation can turn out in which the victim will always take a weak position, the offender will act out the role of the aggressor, and you - the role of a rescuer. And this situation will be impossible to change, because each participant will play the same roles over and over again. Moreover, a person in the position of a victim will not evolve - and you, despite the best intentions, will do him a disservice.
In such a situation, it is better to talk to the victim, show that you understand how difficult it is for her, and advise him to seek help from a psychologist who will help examine what is happening and teach him how to find a way out of such situations and protect himself. It is important for a person to “grow himself up” a little, to find internal resources and strength that will allow him to cope with difficulties and get out of any situation with dignity.
invisible wall
There are provocateurs who are just waiting for a response to the negativity sent into the world. And when they receive it, it’s as if they are swimming in the waves of other people’s emotions, fueled by energy. The most correct thing a person can do in the face of such attacks is to mentally build an invisible wall around himself. The first seconds in which the response is formed are the most important. That is why it is necessary to have time to take a deep breath, exhale and try with all your might to switch from perceiving the negative to “creating” that very wall.
You need to imagine the height of the wall, the color, the material from which it will be made and literally feel how all the unpleasant words sounding from the outside are shattered against its armor.
What motivates boors? Such a person most often thinks poorly of himself
Most often, a person with boorish behavior is guided by his fears: being rejected, being left alone, being misunderstood - this is difficult, this is another psychological trauma. And, in order to prevent it, a person, using such a crooked method, defends himself.
With the help of feigned rudeness and rudeness, a person masks his own self-doubt and low self-esteem. Through bravado and outrageousness, he tries to avoid direct contact with others, in which he can reveal his real self. And such a person most often thinks poorly about himself - that’s why he is afraid that he will be rejected and not accepted.
That is, if I myself am afraid of something, I will strenuously demonstrate the opposite in order to certainly create the desired impression of myself. In this case, a person can doom himself to loneliness - embittered and rude people do not have many friends. Around him will be gathered either people like him, or weak people, “subordinates”, who will look up to him and feed his ego.
In addition, there may be an illusion that rudeness is a sign of strength and power, an attribute of the “higher stratum” of society: supposedly people who have achieved something can afford such behavior. And a person who wants to join this layer and position himself as successful and self-confident can indulge in boorish behavior, letting others know that they are nobody and can be treated like that.
How to remove negative energy from your home
Global cleansing of the house is carried out when they feel bad in this room, they often quarrel or after the previous owners:
First you need to do some general cleaning. Find and clean all hard-to-reach places from dirt, throw away all broken and non-functional items, give unnecessary clothes and other things to those in need. It is better to carry out wet cleaning using water with Thursday salt
After such cleansing, the house will be open to receiving positive energy; pay special attention to mirrors in the house. Mirror surfaces store all the negative information about past residents, about those who were sick and died in the apartment
To remove negative energy from them, you need to thoroughly wash them, first with salt, then with clean water; then you can cleanse the apartment with a regular paraffin or church candle. You need to walk around the entire apartment with a lit candle counterclockwise, stopping at each corner. If a candle smokes, the flame becomes black and uneven in a certain area, this indicates the presence of negative energy. You need to go around the entire apartment again until the flame becomes even everywhere, and then leave the candle to burn out.
And some more general tips:
- Get indoor plants and care for them lovingly. They will neutralize negative energy from guests. If you live in a private house, you can plant trees and shrubs around the building, which will create a ring that protects from external negativity;
- get a cat in the house. This animal has the unique gift of repelling negative energy;
- Always clean your home after guests visit and ventilate the room well.
Behind the mask of a boor and a brute is a child
It is important to understand that behind the mask of a boor and a rude person is a child. The physiological age of this person can be absolutely any, but psychologically he is obviously stuck in his childhood years - in the period when an injury occurred that he could not cope with.
The position of an adult is to be tactful, confident, and communicate with people on the same plane. The boor is trying in every possible way to achieve his superiority and show that he is taller and cooler, although inside he feels exactly the opposite, and this leads to conflict.
Most often, such a person needs help, although he himself does not realize it, being confident that everything is fine with him, he is coping with everything and has everything under control. Life is not easy for him among ordinary people.
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Photo: from the heroine’s personal archive.
My experience
Like many children, my parents taught me to ignore fools. True, at the same time, with some of their actions, they gave rise to a tendency in me to physical aggression (and in general it is worth mentioning that suppressed aggression and resentment sooner or later in all cases results in open physical aggression). Therefore, in kindergarten and school, I either endured attacks from other children, or fought, threw objects, started shouting and retaliating with insults. Did it help? No, nothing has changed.
While studying at the university, I became interested in the works of M.E. Litvak. Among other things, I became acquainted with the method of psychological aikido. It was then that I learned to react differently to insults.
Important! No one can offend us unless we ourselves allow him to do so. Monitor your reactions and ask yourself: “Why is a person trying to change anger, and why am I reacting this way?”
Lifehack for gaining a positive charge for the whole day
Almost every day we get a chance to recharge ourselves with good emotions completely free of charge. All you need to do is exchange a few kind words with someone.
Give a compliment to a colleague, a saleswoman in a store or a courier from a delivery service. Call a friend to share your smile and good mood.
You already know how to react to negativity so as not to become infected with negative emotions. But a smile is transmitted from person to person using the same mechanism. Exchange smiles with someone - you will immediately feel how your soul has become warmer.
And if you can carry this feeling throughout the whole day, you are guaranteed many pleasant events today! And tomorrow... And always... Just try!
What is passive aggression and where does it come from?
This term was coined by psychiatrist William Menninger during World War II. He observed the behavior of the soldiers and realized that some of them were evading orders. But they do not do this openly (which is not surprising), but use veiled methods. For example, they waste time, become demonstratively offended, or perform a task poorly so that next time they won’t be contacted.
Nowadays, passive aggression is considered the Definition of passive-aggressive behavior in which a person does not show anger openly, but masks it in more socially approved ways. For example, with the help of sarcasm, sabotage, antics, manipulation, and so on. Very often, passive-aggressive people do not understand why they behave this way and do not understand what consequences this can lead to.
Meanwhile, passive aggression can at least ruin the mood of those around you. And in severe cases, it can destroy relationships or reduce the productivity of the company. And, of course, such behavior interferes with the aggressor himself: it makes him unhappy, does not allow him to develop, express his feelings, or build relationships.
Psychologists believe The Construct Validity of Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder that the main cause of passive aggression is upbringing.
If a child has been told not to express anger, has been shamed for being angry, and has been told to calm down immediately, it will be very difficult for him to talk openly about his feelings.
Other causes of Passive Aggressive Personality are stress and mental illnesses such as anxiety disorder, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and others. Of course, sometimes there are situations when we would be happy to honestly express our feelings, but we are forced to keep our mouths shut (for example, for fear of losing our job). Then anger manifests itself in a passive form.
A few more tips
Remember that you can approach many things with humor; fight off attacks with jokes and sarcasm. Laugh loudly in the face of the offender, this will discourage him, but for this you need to have excellent self-control; the slightest falsehood will bring all your efforts to naught.
Or dryly ask after the rude guy is silent: “Well, have you increased your self-esteem? Or should I still listen?”
Or harass the ill-wisher with responses like: “Yeah, and?”, “What’s next?”, “What else can you say?”, “Is that all?”, “Suggest me next?” You can shake your head sadly and say: “If I were your parents, I would burn with shame.”
For some, the consent method has a sobering effect. If someone tactlessly notices that you have gained a lot of weight, nod and say: “Yes, I know, I look in the mirror. Now I'm happy with myself." Rarely will an aggressor want to develop a dialogue.
There are no universal recipes, the choice of method depends on the character of the opponent, you need to find out how you can penetrate him, then a worthy answer will be found. The main thing is to keep a cool head yourself.
