Cheating happens in the lives of many couples, even those in which the partners sincerely love each other. Why? In her book “Infidelity,” the famous psychologist and sex therapist Marina Travkova explores infidelity through the prism of Russian specifics. Reminder publishes an excerpt from it.
Being a naturally non-monogamous species, we have come to a situation in which “our heart must tell us” the one and only person we will love and desire throughout our lives. But more and more often voices are heard that say that this is impossible. Passion passes, novelty wears off, and some of the latest research even claims that sexual attraction (drive), romantic love and tender affection activate different areas of the cerebral cortex. That is, you can madly want a person and find him sexy - but not love him. Feeling tender and warm affection for your long-term partner, but not wanting him at all. To love deeply and tenderly one person and suddenly, against this background, experience a bright romantic love for someone else.
I think most of those who read me are familiar with all these situations. Are those with whom we have been in good and loving relationships for many years always present in our erotic fantasies? Does it happen that your admiration for someone’s qualities or professionalism borders on falling in love and erotic adoration? Do we even sometimes fantasize about sex with other people? Judging at least by the existence of erotic literature, porn products and traffic to porn sites, the answer is yes. Have you ever had an emotional connection with someone, deep and intimate, in which it did not lead to sex, but emotional love was definitely present? Have you ever fallen in love not mutually, survived it, cooled down (sometimes not completely cooled down) and moved on with your life, switching to another person?
Can this frame called “marriage” or “relationship” contain everything and forever - only to one person? Obviously not. So, do people cheat because they are doomed to cheat? Not at all.
Whatever our animal nature, we are human beings, we have values and meaningful beliefs. Understanding why we behave the way we do is with us when we “enter” a relationship. And if, when entering into them, we agree on monogamy, then there is no “animal nature” to hide behind. We have the will, the ability to say no, and the ability to choose. Why do people sometimes take advantage of this to the detriment of their partner or their couple, knowing full well that they will cause pain and that their actions are disapproved (sometimes they themselves are the first to disapprove of their actions!) - let's figure it out.
There are factors that do not provoke betrayal, but accompany it, a kind of background for betrayal. Here they are, in front of you.
Why are people ready to betray?
The most offensive and terrible thing is that people from among your close circle become traitors. Of course, the reasons for betrayal are individual and may depend on specific circumstances. However, some of them are the most common.
Firstly, your friendship could be one-sided. You valued this person, and he treated you like a “handy app” and took advantage of your friendship. When it came to the "X" moment, he chose a more convenient friend.
Secondly, a craving for betrayal can be triggered by a problematic past. If a person has seen little good in his life, he will never appreciate the tender moments of friendship. He may eventually turn into a lone wolf.
Thirdly, traitors have a low level of emotional intelligence. They cannot put themselves in the place of a suffering person and are not able to calculate their life several steps ahead. In other words, they can cut the branch they are sitting on.
Water with honey on an empty stomach: starting the day with the right drinks
German scientists: salt can suppress multiple sclerosis
Where to put shells so that things go well, and other signs with them
And of course, individuals with sociopathic tendencies stand apart in this matter. They can brilliantly ingratiate themselves into someone's trust, and then use their new friend for selfish purposes. Such people will never change, they wear a lot of masks and try to appear better. But as soon as you reveal your secrets to them, this information will immediately be used against you.
Should betrayal be forgiven?
Should betrayal be forgiven? Undoubtedly. But only for yourself, not for the sake of the betrayer. Daily thoughts about how to survive the betrayal of a loved one will not allow you to move forward. They will begin to poison your life and will not allow you to create new relationships in which there will be no place for deception. When you were exchanged for someone else, when you were given a backhand blow - how to forgive the betrayal? Forgive in order to live and enjoy every day?
If the person who betrayed you has a conscience, then it will punish him. Tears will punish you more severely than your words. Only conscience can plunge a person into repentance; it is impossible to hide or escape from it. It is not easy to survive a person’s betrayal, but it is possible if you do the work on yourself. And let the bonus of the trauma suffered be the opportunity to meet new people, events, and feelings along the way. Never before has life stopped because of betrayal. Don't stop yourself.
Expert opinion
Psychologist Anna Kiryanova believes that traitors are incorrigible. They are not tormented by pangs of conscience when they leave their children, abandon their wives, or throw mud at their once beloved idol. They do not see anything shameful in their actions, because betrayal and meanness have become a way of life for them. From a very early age.
And their own parents often become an example. Those who see nothing wrong with finding another family or throwing a dead cat in the trash. For them, all this nonsense is the norm of life. Therefore, children learn to be friends with convenient people, abandon loved ones, and offend animals.
It is natural for them to enjoy the benefits of life here and now. And if the wife has grown old and ugly over the years, then she too needs to be thrown into the dustbin of history. And in place of this unfortunate woman, bring another, young body.
We save space in the house: we store our shoes on trempels (Brazilian way)
To improve memory and more: it is best to drink lemongrass tea in the morning
Protsenko admitted that during the year of fighting COVID he hardly saw his parents
Does age play a role?
It’s one thing when a person betrays you in your youth, it’s another when you’re 40 years old. Life has already settled down and seems reliable. But it is not over, but on the contrary, it is in full swing. Of course, betrayal brings pain at any age, but at 40 a person already has life experience and wisdom, manages his problems and difficulties. At this age, there are probably already children whose support will not let you fall to your knees.
If you were betrayed by a person at the age of 50, then all that remains is to forget him and let him go, because you have already lived half your life, you are already a philosopher in this area. A woman at this age still attracts men with her beauty and wisdom, especially if, despite her age, she takes care of herself, dresses well, puts on makeup and does her hair. Perhaps right now there will be a desire to go on a trip, or learn a language, or enroll in some interesting courses. The children have already grown up, you are free and independent, so you need not to miss this moment, you need to start living for yourself.
The main signs of a traitor
We should learn to recognize potential traitors in the early stages of dating. In order not to let them into your immediate environment and not to suffer from their meanness in the future.
Why do they do this? All traitors are extremely heartless people; other people's pain and suffering greatly irritate them. Try to complain to such a person about your schedule without days off or about health problems; he will let this “unnecessary” information go unheard.
Traitors are narcissistic individuals - narcissists. They have high self-esteem and consider themselves the center of the universe. The problem is that the narcissist perceives those in his inner circle as service personnel. Run away from this without looking back.
In addition, scoundrels are characterized by increased talkativeness. They say about such people that they have a tongue without bones. They love to gossip and find out secret information from other people. Gossip is almost the only joy in their worthless life.
One last thing: there is an aura of uncertainty around traitors. They never keep their word, are late, postpone meetings and “forget” about important agreements. Unfortunately, there is no point in trying to rehabilitate a scoundrel. He will twist every word you say and turn it against you.
The only thing traitors are afraid of is losing their imaginary reputation. Otherwise, they will lose the opportunity to hook new victims. There is one more point: scoundrels know how to act subtly and always get away with it.
Causes
Accidental betrayal is very rare. There must be a reason for deception and betrayal.
The main reasons for infidelity:
- Poor sex life.
- Lack of attention from a permanent partner.
- Untidy appearance of a woman (the cause of male infidelity).
- The monotony of family life.
- The desire to bring pain to a partner.
Sex is one of the main human needs. This is a way of reproduction and pleasure. Therefore, the lack of sex in a couple is a reason to look for it on the side. First, quarrels and groundless grievances arise. There are two possible endings: the couple breaks up or the partner begins to cheat.
A similar situation arises with a monotonous sex life. A person quickly gets used to everything; over time, even monotonous sex gets boring.
No need to be a prude. Erotic toys and costumes are created not for perverts, but for people who want to refresh their relationships and make them stronger.
The husband is constantly at work and does not pay attention to his wife. As a result, she finds the missing feeling of warmth in the arms of her colleague. Or, on the contrary, the wife is busy with the house and children. Uncombed, in old clothes, having long forgotten about the gym. A husband, in search of passion, cheats on his wife with his secretary.
This happens not only in TV series. The desire to be surrounded by attention and affection is natural. Looking for these feelings on the side, if they are not in a relationship, is also natural.
The dullness of family everyday life does not help strengthen relationships. The routine alternation between home and work quickly becomes boring. In search of something new and unusual, a partner betrays his soulmate.
Resentment towards a man, the desire to hurt him is a common reason for female infidelity. If a spouse does not pay attention to his woman and constantly flirts with others, these grievances accumulate like a snowball. The result could be betrayal.
Is it worth breaking off the relationship?
Of course, the decision to break off a relationship with such a person must be made on an individual basis. It all depends on the degree of relationship. Psychologists advise working out a family scenario for people who cling with all their might to traitors.
For example, in the person of a cheater, women often see a father who once left the family. This is why you need to accept, forgive and let go of past grievances. This will help you take an unclouded look at the person who is betraying you and start life from scratch.
Found a violation? Report content
Three myths about cheating
There are certain myths and misconceptions regarding family relationships, emerging mistrust, and the presence of infidelity. They create a false impression of a person and build an incorrect perception of the surrounding situation. The most popular myths:
- Cheating causes serious problems in existing relationships. This is a misconception. Psychologists say that most men value their relationships with their beloved and are afraid of ruining them. It is important to take a closer look at the environment around the stronger sex.
- Cheating occurs if partners are not satisfied with something. Another erroneous opinion. In the practice of many psychologists, there are situations when a family has a decent income, there are children, a house, cars, there is peace, tranquility, and care in relationships. And at the same time, a man finds himself a girl with bad habits, a flighty character, no ambitions and begins to cheat on his wife.
- A common myth is that women’s infidelity indicates the emergence of serious feelings; married men cheat when drunk (physically uncontrollable), due to raging hormones. The most popular misconception that exists in society.
There are other erroneous situations associated with a lack of trust in a relationship between two people. Why believe in other people's statements if everyone's situations are different.
How to react to this
Surviving betrayal is not easy. Psychology experts advise trying to understand the traitor and analyze his motivation. To protect yourself from negative feelings, you should not expect unconditional loyalty from others.
The most common reaction to betrayal is the desire for revenge. It is better to abandon this method of quenching your pain and try to fill the spiritual emptiness with new positive emotions.
Sometimes, along with a plan for revenge, there is a desire to let go of the situation and forgive the traitor. However, you need to go to this; you won’t be able to sincerely forgive instantly. Partial forgiveness often manifests itself in the form of leniency.
Betrayal is not forgotten, but it is possible to forgive a person. This is necessary to discard thoughts of revenge and heal mental wounds. Forgiveness does not mean letting the subject into your life again, since broken trust cannot be restored. It is worth trying to give a person a second chance, but there is a high risk of the rake effect occurring.
READ Why men need lovers: the psychology of betrayal
What is good and what is bad?
It is possible to assess whether a particular act is a betrayal only by the emotional state and perception of the situation as a whole by the deceived person. It is important to understand that from a moral point of view, a schoolgirl who told someone her friend’s secret and a husband who has been deceiving his wife for many years in a row are completely equal. In classical psychology, betrayal is an incident that inevitably entails moral injury. A non-specialist simply cannot assess its scale from the outside. As for specific actions, there are hundreds of ways to betray: from carelessly thrown words to real physical impacts that can lead to harm to health or even death of a person.
