“If you don’t control it, everything will go wrong.”
“For everything to go well, you need to think through every detail of your every action.”
“Only by planning ahead can you achieve success.”
These and similar beliefs often help people move forward and achieve what they want. There are situations where they are useful. But what if such beliefs apply to any life event? What if a person is trying to control everything completely?
Life is a thing that cannot be completely predicted. And for many people, this fact is a source of constant, chronic stress. If something doesn't go according to plan, a person finds himself in a state of stress.
Today we will talk about excessive control, when it is not beneficial, but harmful.
Excessive control (psychologists also use the term “overcontrol”) can manifest itself in different ways. For example, on weekends, instead of resting, a person constantly checks his email and calls to work.
The controller does not like to entrust certain matters to other people: what if they do something wrong? The controller also seeks to check the behavior of others.
The controller’s head is constantly filled with a thousand thoughts, which can sometimes be very exhausting: “What if such and such happens? What’s the best thing to do?”, “If it’s like this, then I’ll do it this way.”
How to recognize a control freak in yourself
Control freaks are not uncommon. We encounter them almost every day, it’s just that it’s expressed to varying degrees in everyone. How to understand that you or your loved ones are among them?
Are you sure that everything depends only on you?
You believe that you can influence everything in this world. Without your opinion, not a single decision will be made, the snow will not melt, the birds will not fly south.
Everything must go according to plan and nothing else
You are always making lists and plans, and the slightest deviation from the course is terrifying. A carefully planned trip to the cinema went wrong, the scrambled eggs were slightly burnt? This is nothing short of a disaster.
Your motto: if you want something done well, do it yourself
Delegating tasks and working as a team are not your strong point. You are confident that no one else can do better. Whether it's a quarterly report, a beef chop, or flying a jet.
You don't trust people
Your level of distrust of others reaches its maximum. You doubt the competence of specialists and sometimes even take on tasks that you don’t understand.
You think you know better than others
You do not skimp on advice, because you are sure that you know better. And you defend your opinion to the last, until they listen to it and do it as it should.
You're always right
You must always be right. And just let anyone try to doubt that what you said is the ultimate truth.
You are very critical of other people's mistakes
Since you know everything and are always right, you do not accept the mistakes of others. Moreover, according to your version, you can take control of any situation.
You prepare yourself for a bad outcome and try to prevent it in advance
It’s a good idea to think broadly and think through the possible outcomes of different situations in advance. But focusing on this is bad, especially in cases where you cannot influence the circumstances. And you are ready to give up all your strength to find a solution that in reality does not exist.
You must be aware of everything
How can you control a situation without knowing about it? You need to be aware if someone is about to make a life-changing decision without asking.
You are a perfectionist in the last stage
You are always right, you know everything and can cope with any task better than an experienced specialist. Your desire for perfection has reached its limit. And even when it is no longer possible to do better, you are convinced that it is possible. Of course, provided that you do it yourself.
You have a lot of fears
Your biggest fear is that something will not go according to plan. Therefore, you need to keep your finger on the pulse and protect yourself from unforeseen situations at any time. Unfortunately, force majeure circumstances have not been canceled.
Overcontrol has two main consequences:
- Chronic tension. There is always a risk of unforeseen situations, and for a controller this is scary. Therefore, he is in constant good shape.
- Refusal of opportunities. Trying to act only according to the plan, the controller pushes himself into a narrow framework and does not see new opportunities that do not fit into the original plan. For example, if an inspector came to the forest to pick mushrooms and discovered that other people had collected all the mushrooms before him, he may become very upset, angry and not notice a large raspberry patch full of tasty and ripe berries.
Where does obsessive mania come from?
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution.
The obsessive desire to always control the situation is evidence of a certain internal imbalance. As a rule, the reason for this behavior may be increased anxiety and the desire for power.
Control freaks are afraid of everything that violates their usual way of life and does not fit into their world. Their actions are a defensive reaction and an attempt to protect themselves from unnecessary shocks.
As a consequence of the desire for power, total control manifests itself in a person’s acute desire to not only be aware of the events happening to him and his loved ones, but also to take direct part in them.
Sergey Kuzin
business coach, candidate of psychological sciences
Most often, all problems come from childhood. It happens that a child was controlled too much, and when he grew up, he began to transfer this same control to others.
It turns out that sometimes we ourselves contribute to the emergence of control freaks. Excessive parental care in childhood leaves a mark and can have a significant impact on a person’s behavior pattern in the future.
Study Examples of Great Leaders
Did you know that the main distinguishing quality of a successful manager is inspiration, not control? Study useful tips in books and magazines, focus on the behavior of leaders in famous films. You will discover a lot of useful information in these and other sources.
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Why is that bad
In everyday life
In addition to the fact that you annoy those around you with constant pressure, first of all you torture yourself. A lot of energy is spent on solving non-existent problems, worrying about little things and trying to influence situations beyond your control. If you do not get the desired result, then you are experiencing an internal tragedy. Even if it’s because they didn’t put a second piece of sugar in your coffee. These experiences significantly reduce your quality of life, when you could be directing your energy in a different direction.
In a relationship
You won't like it if your every breath is controlled. Trust is the foundation of strong, long-lasting relationships, but for a control freak, it's a touchy subject. It is logical that the desire to be aware of all the actions of the partner, constantly checking messages on the phone and intrusive questions will not bring joy to any of the participants in the relationship.
In progress
Sitting late late finishing reports, communicating with clients, while doing routine work, when there is an entire department sitting idle is a little strange. Instead of fulfilling your direct responsibilities, you take on tasks for which your colleagues are responsible. And not because they decided to help, but because of uncertainty about their competence. Even if you are a specialist with a capital letter, you are unlikely to be the first candidate for a promotion. After all, you don’t know how to delegate, and, apparently, you think that you are working with fools, since you do everything for them.
In some cases, it doesn't make sense to work on building emotional intimacy.
There are many things in the world that neither adults nor children know anything about.*
It is important to note that the advice to “work on yourself and on your relationships” only works for normal people. This advice is completely inapplicable in the case of a relationship with a person suffering from a personality disorder (psychopathy). It is impossible to build emotional intimacy in such situations, because people with personality disorders do not have the ability to experience higher moral feelings - conscience, compassion, empathy, love, honesty, etc.
To understand the reasons for the hopelessness of such forms of deeply unhappy relationships, it is very important to familiarize yourself with the topic of psychopathy (congenital personality disorders) and narcissism.
Leading expert on psychopathy Robert Hare in his book “Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us” divided them into two broad categories:
- socially adapted psychopaths (who traumatize people emotionally in their personal lives and at work),
- psychopathic criminals (sociopaths) who commit crimes.
The lack of capacity for higher moral feelings - compassion, empathy, conscience, honesty, may be the result of a congenital defect in certain areas of the brain (this has not yet been proven).
Psychopathy and narcissism are two comorbid disorders. Comorbidity means that both disorders can occur in the same person. Persons with personality disorders and narcissism strive for power over another person and create tyrannical-victim relationships based on criticism, humiliation, and six types of violence.
Robert Hare warns that it is dangerous to mistake psychopaths for normal people and not see the distortions in their worldview. Trying to build relationships with them is dangerous due to severe psychological trauma. Having recognized the signs of a tyrannical-victim relationship, it is important to leave immediately. Relationships with psychopaths and narcissists are dangerous due to severe psychological trauma and a complete loss of faith in people.
How to deal with it
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution.
If you begin to notice such behavior patterns in yourself, I recommend spending a “totally crazy day” to decompress. Take a different route to work, have breakfast in an unusual place, that is, change your usual way of life a little.
The expert explains that it is important to understand: nothing critical will happen if you are a little late for work, eat a piece of cake for lunch instead of soup, or take a walk in the evening instead of a planned trip to the store.
Exhale a little, loosen your grip and please yourself with a spontaneous decision. The main thing is to realize the fact that there is a problem and give yourself relief so as not to bring the situation to a critical limit.
Sergey Kuzin
business coach, candidate of psychological sciences
Since the problem also lies in mistrust, first of all you need to deal with it. I recommend reading the work of Stephen Covey Jr. "The speed of trust." This book clearly explains that by trusting yourself, others and the situation, life becomes 10% easier and more interesting.
By overcoming mistrust, you will solve at least one problem. And if mistrust is the root of other, even bigger problems, then you will kill several birds with one stone.
Don't forget about rest
Sometimes it helps to be an outside observer. Allow urgent matters to take their course. Don't worry, you won't be doing this regularly, just taking a short time out. Give up the habit of grasping at everything. Even the many-armed god Shiva could not cope with the burden of a perfectionist. Allow things to be imperfect. After all, there is beauty in flaws.
What to do for loved ones
If someone from your environment turns out to be a control freak, you need to learn to say calmly but clearly: “No, thank you.” Or even better, more gently: “Thank you for your concern, but I will do as I see fit.”
Oleg Ivanov
psychologist, conflict specialist, head of the Center for Social Conflict Resolution.
Sometimes it can be difficult to point out flaws in people close to you, but with control freaks it is necessary. You need to act delicately, but at the same time confidently, in order to draw a clear boundary in your relationship.
It is important to find suitable phrases for a specific person and discuss with him the points that do not suit you. For some, it’s enough to hear: “Okay, everything will be your way.” This immediately relieves tension and allows you to seek compromise in a calm environment.
Sergey Kuzin
business coach, candidate of psychological sciences
The expert advises to immediately determine what type of control freak you are: dependent, paranoid or narcissist, and what exactly his desire is. Obviously, a narcissist will want to hear that he is the best, but a paranoid person wants to know that everything will be fine. Don't be afraid to discuss the problem, try to find an approach to your control freak. Even if you don't succeed the first time, don't give up. This is better than silently accumulating grievances.
Don't be afraid to experiment
It's time to radically change your thinking. New hobbies and activities are perfect for this. Take guitar lessons - playing music is a great way to train your brain. Sign up for a mountaineering class - climbing a sheer rock side by side with partners will teach you to trust other people. Try yoga or meditation - these are wonderful activities that synchronize your soul, mind and body. New hobbies will provide a stream of new thoughts, which means your thinking patterns will also change.
Men suffering from psychopathy and destructive narcissism are looking for kind, caring women
“Sveta and Slavik have been friends since school. Friends thought that they were very suitable for each other. Sveta has always been a purposeful and strong-willed young lady, Slavik has always been a charming goofball. Svetka went to the dean’s office for him, begging the teachers to allow him to retake the tests, got lectures, and made sure that he studied them. Later, when Slavik became her husband, she herself looked for a job for him and talked with his superiors. She made excuses for him when he, having had too much in the evening, could not go to work in the morning. Sveta called his boss and explained in an apologetic voice that her husband was sick and she simply wouldn’t let him come to work. She fiercely fought against Slavkin’s developing drunkenness. She took his entire salary, then gave him money for lunch. Moreover, she demanded that her husband present receipts, from which it was clear that the money was not spent on wine. She searched his pockets for his stash, forbade him to go fishing, etc. But despite this, Slavik still regularly came home drunk. At such moments, he became bold and rude - he yelled at his wife and threatened to kill her someday. In the morning, of course, he repented, asked for forgiveness and promised that he would definitely stop. And a couple of days later everything was repeated all over again..."
Tyranny, physical violence and cruelty are signs of a psychopath
On what basis are you going to kiss her?*
Cruelty does not necessarily manifest itself in beatings. Although many women forgive, even when a man raised his hand to them. They succumb to persuasion that it was just an accident, a terrible mistake. Which will not happen again.
However, as practice shows, if a man hit a woman once, he will continue to do so.
But even if a man, knowing that this or that action will bring you pain, still commits it, this is already deliberate cruelty . And hoping that sooner or later he will repent, change and you will finally “live” as you dreamed of in girls’ dreams is an unforgivable mistake. If a man shows cruelty, humiliates and insults in a relationship, this is a sure sign that he is not capable of experiencing higher moral feelings. It is quite possible that he is incapable of experiencing feelings and suffers from psychopathy (personality disorder). Psychiatrists treat personality disorders.
In such a situation, it is important to gather courage and honestly admit it to yourself, gather your courage and leave, unless, of course, you want to suffer for the rest of your life.
