Self-affirmation at the expense of other people is a destructive model of behavior. Self-affirmation as such is a person’s desire to achieve and maintain a certain social status and recognition in society. A healthy option for self-affirmation is continuous self-development, the disclosure of personal potential. However, some people choose another option - to assert themselves at the expense of others. Let's consider this model of behavior in more detail.
What is self-affirmation at the expense of others?
Self-affirmation at the expense of others - what is it like? In psychology, this is humiliation, belittling and insulting others in order to look better compared to them. This is a form of psychological defense.
A self-affirming person humiliates others in order to show that he is smarter, stronger, wealthier, more beautiful, etc. The sphere for self-affirmation can be any. Some people try to prove that they are the best at everything.
Important! Self-affirmation is associated with a sense of self-worth and self-worth. People assert themselves in order to feel significant, valuable, and fulfilled in life. It is important for every person to realize that he lives for a reason, has achieved something in life and has a certain weight in society.
What is humiliation
Humiliation is the other side of arrogance, and the more arrogant a person is, the more inclined he is to humiliate others. The desire to show oneself in a favorable light knows no bounds, and if this requires denigration of others, then it will be done.
The feeling of humiliation serves as a kind of regulator of social relationships. By humiliating another, society or a particular person sends a message about shortcomings and failure to meet expectations.
The humiliation of a woman by a man is perceived so painfully in part because it is practically a direct text about her inconsistency with his ideas. Modern man's need for social acceptance is almost tantamount to the survival instinct, therefore any humiliation from society is perceived as a personal threat to existence.
If a person has a very high opinion of himself and considers himself right everywhere, then facing his own inconsistency and humiliation can become a fatal test for him. It is precisely because of the large difference between social perception and one’s own that an entire personal structure and perception of the world as such can collapse. People who evaluate themselves adequately and critically, treat their own shortcomings with humor, and are practically not subject to humiliation.
Humiliation can also be divided according to its source of origin. Thus, other people can humiliate, deliberately reducing a person’s merits, showing how much better and more successful they are. This is conscious humiliation, purposeful and is a factor of influence from the outside. But internal preconditions for self-humiliation are also possible, when a person perceives the successes of others as his own failure, when he deliberately downplays his own contribution or successes. For such a character, external factors are not needed to feel humiliation; the person copes on his own. If such a trait is not developed, then even the special influence of others in attempts to lower self-esteem may be unsuccessful.
Why does it occur
Self-affirmation at the expense of others is a protective mechanism of the psyche that helps a person protect himself from unresolved problems. It is based on the need to constantly seek confirmation of one’s own superiority and importance. If a person can prove that everyone around him is bad, then the attitude “I am good” automatically appears in his head. With this comes a feeling of confidence, security, and comfort.
Why do some people need regular confirmation of their worth? Because they live with the belief “I am bad.” Where did this attitude come from? Parents suggested. They did not accept the child, criticized him, insulted him, humiliated him, suppressed him, beat him, punished him, intimidated him, compared him with others, etc.
When are the first manifestations visible?
The need for self-affirmation at the expense of other people is associated with childhood trauma. As a rule, in such cases, from the first days of life, the child is faced with the coldness and cruelty of adults. Therefore, the first manifestations of self-affirmation at the expense of others are noticeable already at 3–4 years. And every year this gets stronger.
The child insults and humiliates his peers and fights. He fantasizes a lot and lies, for example, he says that every weekend he and his mom and dad go on vacation to the sea. Or he says that he has the best phone of the latest model at home, he just doesn’t carry it with him, etc. That is, already in kindergarten, the child’s desire to be in the center of attention and to show his strength is noticeable. Many children lie about their parents' status and wealth. Sometimes a child takes credit for the merits of others and invents “superhero” stories about himself.
Note! As the child grows up, the essence of the manifestations of the desire to assert oneself at the expense of others does not change. Only the specifics and scale of fictitious stories, provocations, criticism, accusations and other things change.
Comes from childhood
Devaluation stems from childhood. Very often, parents themselves build their communication by belittling each other and, at the same time, pointing out to the child his shortcomings. And the child perceives this model as the only one in which he knows how to exist, and takes it with him into adulthood.
Moreover, parents are people too.
With low self-esteem, self-doubt and the feeling that everything in their life is somehow not very healthy. They can be consumed by an unconscious but burning reluctance for someone to be better than themselves. What do we get then? “All children are like children, and you!..” “Again, I spent the whole day collecting my models. I’d rather do my homework!” “Dumb!” Idiot! Nothing good will come of you!”
Article on the topic
Low self-esteem is the first step towards anorexia
And then a “child” grows up, devaluing others and himself, instead of an adult who is confident, successful and knows what he wants.
Signs
A person criticizes, insults, provokes others, points out their shortcomings, focuses on their mistakes, provokes, devalues, seeks out the mistakes of others, etc. At the same time, he exaggerates his own achievements, boasts of real successes, or invents stories about his well-being. The sphere of devaluing others and idealizing oneself can be anything: appearance, abilities, social status, career, finances, material wealth, personal life, etc.
Interesting! A self-affirming person will defend his point of view, even if he understands that he is wrong.
How to respond to harassment at work
We spend most of our lives at work. And, of course, no one is immune from problems in relationships between employees. Therefore, you need to prepare in advance for the possibility that unpleasant situations will arise. How to solve them. Well, don’t leave work after every quarrel or offensive words. Believe me, your next job will be no better; if you don’t know how to collaborate or communicate with society, sit at home and fulfill orders from the Internet. But you should understand that this way you will be deprived of normal, human communication and will very quickly get tired of loneliness, monotony and routine. Work from home should only be done due to existing circumstances. It’s time for you to gain your wits and learn to respond to insults from your colleagues and superiors.
Try to remain silent. This is especially true for situations on the roads, in public transport, and in crowded places. To control yourself, you need to think about it, you need to draw the attention of others to offensive expressions addressed to you.
If the situation arose at work, among classmates and colleagues, silence can play a cruel joke. This is a kind of signal to the offender - you can continue to behave this way in the future, and nothing will happen for it. Therefore, it is absolutely impossible to remain silent in this situation - put the aggressive comrade “in his place” and do not allow him to behave this way again. It will be repeated again - answer the same, draw everyone's attention to his behavior. Let everyone see how disgusting he is in his ugly behavior.
Before responding to rudeness, you should understand with whom you are coming into conflict. And think about whether your answer is worth losing your job or your student ID. But even in this case, a self-respecting person must do at least something to stop the insults. At a minimum, talk, at a maximum, involve third parties and not allow the offender to inflict a moral blow again.
Try to “understand” the offender. This situation concerns those who have been offended by management or a person on whom much depends. Yes, it is not easy, but you need to do this “procedure”. Approach the offender and talk as if you understand that he had no idea of offending you. Indeed, in most cases this is what happens - a person cannot always understand that he did something wrong, said the wrong words, or said too much in a fit of anger. You need to give it time - let it “cool down” and have a conversation. Remind him that you yourself have often found yourself in a position where you reluctantly insulted someone. The main thing is to realize your guilt, identify the causes of the conflict and put an end to mistrust, doubts and quarrels.
Recommendations from a psychologist
To stop asserting yourself at the expense of others, you need to work through childhood traumas and grievances against your parents. It is necessary to regain a sense of security, self-worth, significance, to find a source of love and support in yourself and in other people. You need to accept and love yourself, develop self-confidence and work on self-esteem.
In addition, it is important to find support among others. However, a person must understand that if he himself does not want and does not change, then no one will constantly tolerate his behavior. Yes, society can give support and goodwill in advance, but then it will behave as a person deserves.
More often, a person tries to assert himself at the expense of others in only one area. If this is about you, then you need to think about where you usually look for the mistakes and shortcomings of other people, what you blame them for. This is what bothers you inside yourself, this is what you need to work with.
Well, the last thing you need to work with is personal boundaries. You attack first so as not to offend you. This is how you assert your boundaries. You are afraid that by becoming yourself, opening your soul to society, you will be subjected to suffering. What exactly are you afraid of? What is your fear of unsolved problems, what kind of problems are they? Why are you afraid of this? What does this deprive you of? What is your true purpose? How can society be useful to you, and how can you be useful to it?
Important! Healthy self-esteem involves identifying a purpose in life and making a plan to achieve it, as well as meeting your needs and desires. You need to live according to your potential, that is, rely on your interests and abilities.
How to properly respond to insults
Now let’s move on to analyzing specific situations that almost everyone without exception faces. After all, both close people - dad, mom, spouse, children - and strangers can inflict moral pain and insult. This is evidenced by a lot of unpleasant stories from school, college, and work. What should be done in such circumstances? After all, few people are able to openly express aggression, much less defend themselves against rudeness and rudeness, which in recent years simply knows no bounds. Advice is given by experienced specialists.
How to respond to your wife's insults
It's a paradoxical situation, as some might think. A wife humiliates and insults her husband. You will laugh, but this happens quite often. This can happen either in public or alone with your spouse. The first is a rare case, the second is all too common. Of course, what kind of man wants to admit that he is under the yoke of a fragile woman - no one! The reason for this behavior may be:
- You did a bad thing, you cheated. She may have forgiven, but she has not forgotten and is unlikely to forget! At every opportunity, he will remind you of your sin and continue to insult and humiliate you.
- She grew up as a spoiled, inadequate girl, her parents indulged her in everything and encouraged her ugly behavior.
- From the very beginning, the man did not make it clear that he was the head of the family, and she was the keeper of the hearth, creating comfort. But this does not mean that a man has the right to humiliate his wife.
- Your significant other is too tired of the endless circle of responsibilities. She simply cannot stand physical exertion and cannot wait for your help. She has no other choice but to express humiliating words and insults at you - this is how she gets rid of accumulated negative emotions. Help her, participate in family life, especially if there are children.
- The man stopped paying attention to his wife, he no longer sees her as a woman. Yes, worries and troubles play a cruel joke on a woman’s appearance. Give her rest, let her put herself in order and remember her other purposes.
- The wife grew up in a family where her parents had the same relationship - the mother humiliated and covered her husband with insulting phrases. Now she copies her previous life and projects it onto her relationship with her husband.
- Your spouse is jealous of your children. You began to spend more time with them, although she also deserves support and communication. She is also annoyed by the fact that the softer, compassionate daddy attracts children more than the domineering and strict mother.
- Problems with hormonal levels. Negative behavior of the spouse can also be observed during diseases associated with the endocrine system. During pregnancy and illness, she simply cannot control her behavior. You need to see a doctor, and in the case of pregnancy, patience from your husband.
They are not shy about sorting things out in public
Sometimes passive-aggressive partners may bring up uncomfortable topics to make sure they are right. At first, perhaps, they argued about something face to face, and then, sorting things out in public, they seemed to invite others to the discussion. In this way they check who is right.
Sometimes conversations about budgets or division of responsibilities are actually interesting to friends of debaters. However, more often than not, those who argue in public discredit themselves as a loving couple and show that they frankly don’t care about the boundaries of their loved ones: not all people are ready for such discussions.
This does not mean that partners should, in principle, hush up their problems. However, they should note whether others are willing to engage in an argument and whether the topic is suitable for discussion with others.
Tendency to put others down (Belittlement)
The tendency to belittle others (Belittlement) as a personality quality is the tendency to put others in a submissive and humiliating position, to force them to meekly endure humiliation in their powerless state.
The blondes were outraged that their mental abilities were being belittled and appealed to international organizations with a protest. They decided to arrange a demonstration exam there. The blondes chose the smartest one from among them. A full hall of blondes, an examiner (E) and a subject (I) on stage: E: Tell me, how much is 6 * 7? I: (after a long and intense thought) 41... E: Well, you see for yourself... Hall of blondes: (chanting) Give me a chance! Give it a chance! E: (yielding to the fans) Okay, one more question. How much is 5 * 6? I: (after a long and intense thought) 32... E: We did everything we could, but you see everything for yourself... Hall of blondes: (chanting) Give me a chance! Give it a chance! E: (yielding to the fans) Well, okay, last question and that’s it. If not, then no. What is 2 * 8? And: (after a long and intense thought) 16... Hall of blondes: (chanting) Give me a chance! Give it a chance!
There is an innumerable army of people who love to belittle others; in belittling others they find a way of self-affirmation, raising self-esteem and self-exaltation. In fact, this is pure self-deception, because you cannot “force yourself to respect” by belittling others. A person, elevating in his mind the personality of his Spiritual Teacher, whom he follows along the path of spiritual development, is elevated by the mere thought that he is devoted and faithful to someone who has already achieved great success on the path of spiritual vision of the world.
You can’t kill first, then whisper: I didn’t do it on purpose.
You can’t betray all the time, then pray: I’ll correct myself - for sure.
You can’t first belittle and then ask: sorry for the joke.
You can’t run away cowardly, saying that you went out for a minute.
It is stupid and ineffective to maintain self-esteem by belittling others. Those who tend to belittle others see the world in dark colors. Therefore, he sees only shortcomings in those around him. If a mine detector is aimed at finding mines, then it is aimed at looking for negative personality traits in others.
Putting down is a vicious mentality expressed by finding faults in others. A person succumbs to the illusion that, it turns out, it is possible to maintain a sense of self-esteem by belittling others.
Psychologist Alexander Khakimov writes: “When there is a desire to look for shortcomings in others, this means that I am concerned about the feeling of my own inferiority, insufficiency and do not want to admit it openly. Therefore, in this quest to feel better, I shift my attention to the shortcomings of other people. Attention turns to the shortcomings of other people. Then I don't feel my shortcomings so much. This is the psychological mechanism of the desire to look for shortcomings.”
The tendency to put others down is often explained by simple envy. Envy is the desire to elevate oneself by putting others down. By putting others down, you do not grow yourself. The envious person creates the illusion that by putting others down, he grows and progresses. Psychologist Leonid Tugutov evaluates the position of an envious person: “So, I have a lot, but he has little.” Well, I wish he didn't even have that. Then I become even more significant. Next option. - I have a lot, you have little. Well, I really want you to have nothing at all, because then I’ll become twice as cool! Because even if I have 10 times more than you, when you have nothing at all, I have grown again.
That is, the belittler himself does not grow, but simply takes away from others, becomes more significant, belittling others, does not develop himself, but only intensifies the belittlement of others. The illusion of one’s own growth and progress is created. This is how a person overcome by envy acts.
Money humiliates a person most of all; sometimes the rustling of bills to put a person in a humiliating, kneeling position acts on the consciousness of the best of any coercion and violence. In the worship of money, many are ready to humiliate themselves, cringe and grovel. Money loves to belittle its fans, that is, to test their fanatical loyalty to itself. To do this, they put their followers in a submissive and humiliating position, forcing them to endure something that would make the hair on a decent person’s head stand on end.
Putting others down comes from snobbery. A snob belittles, devalues and openly despises certain people, while at the same time admiring a group to which he really does not belong. In other words, snobbery is a demonstrative or veiled awareness of one’s own superiority over other people, and, as a result, a belittling, dismissive or contemptuous attitude towards them. A narcissistic person is convinced that he is better than those around him, because he is either smarter, more successful, or stronger than them. He is a patrician, and these swarming below are plebeians and cattle.
Snobbery always has in reserve a group of people whom it does not value at all. At their expense, he asserts himself; on them, he trains in humor and wit. For them, the sworn snob always has a condescending and contemptuous expression hidden on his face. When shyness meets snobbery, she feels under a wave of contempt her worthlessness and inferiority. Without the pleasure of belittling others, snobbery cannot survive. In the toolkit of snobbery, the palm belongs to manipulation and categorical judgments. The conversation is structured according to his rules, so the inexperienced counterpart finds himself in an awkward, stupid position, and attempts to get out of the awkward situation only aggravate the situation.
One of the proven ways to please your pride and vanity is to belittle others. Vanity views any person or situation through the prism of: “What will I get out of this?” At the same time, he tries to seem like someone, and not really be him. Seeming more significant than it actually is is one of its properties. To be someone, you need to strive for improvement, self-realization, and in order to appear, it is enough to assert yourself at the expense of others, pseudo-develop, humiliate, belittle and ridicule other people. Through self-deception and imitation of growth, vanity achieves self-satisfaction from the illusion of its own superiority. This spiritually vicious state of personality in advanced stages can develop into star fever, delusions of grandeur, constant expectation of praise, self-righteous paranoia, when it becomes clear to a person without any reason that he is God, a king and a genius.
Petr Kovalev 2016 Other articles by the author: https://podskazki.info/karta-statej/
