Office romance is a sensitive topic that is usually kept silent in polite society. Relationships between colleagues do not always develop well and end well. On the contrary, in most cases, love affairs at work lead to at least a bad reputation and, at most, dismissal. Sideways glances from colleagues, constant nervousness and the thought “what if they catch you?” are what accompany lovers as their relationship progresses. Despite this, romance at work is a desirable forbidden fruit that excites the imagination (and not only).
Statistics i
According to statistics, more than 80% of Russian bosses are against their employees having romantic relationships in the workplace. Managers explain this by saying that novels of this kind provoke conflict situations, reduce productivity and negatively affect the general mood of the team. Many bosses are willing to fire both parties in a romantic relationship, while some agree that circumstances should be taken into account.
At the same time, about 57% of Russians are ready to start a relationship at work. Of course, statistics cannot fully reflect the real state of affairs. But in sociological surveys, it is statistics that have the greatest weight and act as the main argument.
In America, by the way, more than half of the people have experienced an office romance. Unfortunately, there are no statistics showing how such relationships usually ended.
But there is evidence that most bosses have a negative attitude towards this topic. And this is very reasonable.
Condemnation of others
An office romance with a married man will certainly cause condemnation from everyone who finds out about it. No matter how long and successfully you manage to hide the relationship, it will not last forever.
An affair between a married woman and a married man will cause a double dose of censure at work and among others.
The lovers will be judged by colleagues who know the man’s wife by sight and who saw how she carefully brought him a forgotten lunch to work.
No less negativity will spill out from the acquaintances of the lover himself, who has entered into a relationship outside the family.
Friends and family, having learned about the novel, will definitely not admire it. It is possible that due to delicacy they will not say this to your face, but condemnation is an emotion that is easy to read in behavior and even in a glance.
The main disadvantages of office romance from the point of view of management 2
Firstly, the company suffers financial losses while lovers coo instead of dealing with work issues. Every extra 5 minutes in the smoking room or in the dining room is a loss for the organization. This only seems like a small thing, but in fact, if you multiply all these 5-minute romantic breaks by the number of working days a year, you get an impressive figure. And it’s also good if lovers do not cross paths and do not retire during working hours.
Secondly, sincere love has a negative impact on performance. There are relationships of convenience at work, and there are banal romantic connections. It is they who lead to the fact that colleagues are in the clouds and cannot think about anything other than the object of their desire. The situation is complicated by the fact that the subject is sitting at the next table or in the nearest office. Such closeness excites (and the quarterly report suffers).
Thirdly, other colleagues can easily find out about the affair. And not so much because of the burning eyes, but because of a banal accident. This can lead to various conflicts from which the entire team will suffer.
In this case, it is worth considering only relationships between equal colleagues. The romance between a subordinate and a boss is a separate issue.
Why start an office romance?3
The question may seem strange at first glance, but in fact, most romances at work arise for specific reasons.
There can be 3 of them in total:
- Selfish goals. Some people start relationships in the workplace in order to advance their career or shift some of their responsibilities to another person. Women often sin with this, but sometimes men also resort to this method. As a rule, young professionals start affairs with their bosses, counting on receiving a lot of privileges.
- The desire to taste the forbidden fruit. Relationships at work are an unspoken taboo, the violation of which is quite risky for both participants in the process. Some people are simply annoyed by this. Gambling personalities and thrill-seekers eagerly begin to have affairs with their superiors or colleagues. They are driven not by romantic feelings, but by passion and the desire to break certain prohibitions. As a rule, such individuals are not careful and constantly expose themselves and their partner to risk.
- Strong feelings. This reason is far from the most common of those listed. As a rule, behind conditional love lies passion caused by excitement and risk. In rare cases, sincere feelings develop between colleagues, which are determined by the presence of common (in particular, work) interests and mutual sympathy. This arrangement can be called the most favorable, since people in love can calculate the risks and meet mainly during non-working hours.
Before you start an affair at work, you need to understand for what reasons sympathy or passion arose between two colleagues. Sometimes the real motives lie much deeper. For example, an aging and married boss may, roughly speaking, “want” a young subordinate due to a midlife crisis. Such an approach will help a person assert himself through his own power and privileged position. The young subordinate, in turn, will receive another benefit - an increase in salary or position.
It is also necessary to define for yourself the boundaries of relationships at work. This could be a romantic union or just sex “with the best intentions.” There is no need to harbor deceptive illusions and lead your colleague by the nose, because in the end this can easily backfire.
Romance between colleagues4
There are two common scenarios for the development of office romances between colleagues of equal position. People can closely interact in the process of solving common problems (for example, working on the same project). They become closer because of the time they spend together. Despite work goals, colleagues get to know each other better on a personal level.
The opposite situation is also possible: when people see each other only during smoke breaks or in the dining room, they exchange glances and short remarks. In this case, it is precisely the inaccessibility and mystery that attracts them. Colleagues may work in different buildings and rarely see each other, but at the same time experience an inexplicable (at first glance) sympathy.
It is worth imagining that in both situations people first start a relationship and then break up.
If they constantly interact with each other, it will create huge discomfort and working discord. In this case, there are two options: dismissal of one or reconciliation of both. In practice, both options usually disappear, as a result of which adults start an office “war”, trying to somehow mischief and take revenge.
If colleagues rarely interact on business issues and work in different buildings, then the outcome of the relationship is much more favorable. Former lovers simply do not see each other, which is why conflict as such does not arise.
Important! You should not hope that you will end up as friends or good friends. It is necessary to initially calculate escape routes in case of worst-case scenarios. Ideal option: after the first night spent together, discuss the consequences of a possible separation.
My colleague knows about my feelings, but does not take steps towards me
“I try my best to attract the attention of my colleague. He always smiles back. Sometimes he drops hints that he likes me too. But time passes, and there is no rapprochement between us. I don't know what else can be done. I can’t get it out of my head.”
This is a story about unreciprocated feelings and unrealistic hopes.
When a person likes you, it's pretty easy to tell. Not by passionate glances and meaningful smiles, but by concrete steps towards you.
When a client comes to me in such a situation, I propose, for clarity, to write down in two columns all the steps that the client took towards this man, and all the steps that he took. You too can do this simple exercise now. It helps to look at the situation very soberly.
As a rule, invitations to dinner, a movie, a dance, etc. appear in one column. And in the other column - smiles, winks and other air. Falling in love sometimes blurs your eyes so much that you can’t see the real picture.
And when you saw the real balance of power, the real correlation between your interest and his interest, the following logical questions arise:
a) do you really need him, this rather indifferent person? if yes, then why do you like people who are indifferent to you? Is there some kind of trauma behind this, are you trying to play out the same drama that you had in your childhood with an indifferent mother or a cold father (see the previous section)?
b) why is this person not interested in me? Am I interesting to anyone at all? What is interesting about me to other people? What am I happy and dissatisfied with about myself? Do I have adequate self-esteem?
You see for yourself, there are many questions, the answers may be different. Here it’s already difficult for me to describe all the possible options - this is more of a personal consultation level. Below there will be a list of articles that deal separately with each of these issues. Read it - maybe it will be useful to you.
Rules for romance between colleagues5
Relationships between colleagues will not interfere with work if both partners follow the following rules:
- Getting closer after hours. Yes, the work environment encourages you to have sex in the toilet or at least flirt during your lunch break. But it is better to look at the situation rationally. If you already have a relationship, then it is better to develop it exclusively outside the workplace. Otherwise, partners will sooner or later run into trouble.
- Limit to one novel. By starting a relationship with one woman or another, a man risks acquiring a bad reputation for a long period of time. You can have a few affairs and leave the company, but don’t forget about the existence of the Internet: it will help former lovers spoil the virtual resume of an unlucky philanderer. The same thing works for women. If you want to have an affair at work (even if it’s just for the thrill), then you should limit yourself to one. And even more so, you should not meet with several colleagues in one time period.
- Calculating risks. There is no need to get involved with vindictive and vindictive people. You should not create the appearance of being in love if there is none. In a relationship with a colleague, honesty and straightforwardness are required, as well as the absence of rose-colored glasses. It is necessary to define in advance the boundaries, norms of behavior and other nuances that will greatly facilitate communication during working hours.
It is extremely important at the beginning of communication with a colleague not to mistake goodwill for flirting. Some people (especially if they are new to the team) tend to be overly friendly. They can bring coffee, smile, ask about your well-being, but at the same time not have an ounce of personal sympathy. Here you need to be able to distinguish excessive courtesy from flirting.
What to avoid when communicating with a man
Some “forbidden” relationships pass quickly, others can last for years. Much depends on how much the partners value each other, for which the duet was originally created (sex, romance, communication).
If a man lacks mutual understanding, tenderness, and unity of souls at home, then with a competent approach from his mistress, it will be possible to build a relationship format that satisfies the needs of the partner.
Major mistakes should be avoided.
His family is sacred
It can be hard to accept that your loved one belongs to someone else. It is necessary to clearly understand from the very beginning that until a man independently decides to separate from his wife, nothing will be done for a divorce. You can gently guide him, but do not push him.
Decide at the start whether it is acceptable in your relationship to talk about household chores, problems, discuss spouses, children, parents. If yes, the woman should be sympathetic, she cannot speak sharply, categorically about what is happening, or criticize.
Men often take the position “only I can beat my slaves”; any rude word said to his family can turn him against his mistress.
You shouldn’t force the situation by making your presence known by calling and texting your wife. It is not a fact that, faced with a choice, he will not make it in favor of his legal wife, not wanting changes in life, an established routine. Discuss the time and methods of communication. Is it possible to call, write, at what time?
No self-interest
Men understand perfectly well when they want only money, connections, and practical help. The lover in fact owes nothing to his chosen one.
If he has a desire to make her life easier and more enjoyable in a way accessible to him, he will certainly take advantage of the situation that arises. It is worth voicing some points in which his participation would be appropriate, but in an informative style, without demands. The stronger sex, interested in a woman, perfectly hears and understands hints.
You can’t be offended because he takes his family on vacation to an exotic resort and gives his mistress inexpensive jewelry as a gift. Speaking in a negative way runs the risk of getting a rude, unpleasant response.
His conscience will definitely not awaken from a note of protest. If the material component is important, you need to initially look for a sponsor.
Relationship between employee and boss6
It’s worth imagining the situation: a young girl and a middle-aged boss (usually married). Basically, employees start relationships with management in the hope of a promotion or increase in salary. Many men understand this and simply begin a mutually beneficial romance. Such relationships may well exist in secret and bring pleasure to both partners.
It’s much worse if a subordinate falls in love with her boss, and he follows her lead. As soon as the relationship ends, the girl will begin to threaten, terrorize and take revenge on her former lover in every possible way. She can tell her wife (if she has one) about the affair, dishonest to her employees and senior management.
Relationship between boss and employee 7
This is a much more interesting and rare situation. As a rule, a subordinate is obsessed with the idea of sleeping with his boss. It’s much less common for a man to want to have a full-fledged relationship with her. The subordinate is attracted to the power, inaccessibility and sexuality of the woman “at the helm.” As soon as he gets what he wants, his interest cools.
Such relationships may also involve selfish goals. Often men, no less than women, want to move up the career ladder without making much effort. The easiest option is to start a relationship with your boss.
How to determine the seriousness of intentions
The situation becomes especially difficult when an unfree man falls in love with a married woman. The sincerity of feelings can be understood by his self-control. He understands how complex this love quadrangle is and is in no hurry to show his intentions, trying to distance himself from his beloved so as not to destroy two families with his actions. A married man in love will go for rapprochement only if he can cope with his feelings.
Observations will help you understand whether a man has really fallen in love or just wants to have fun:
- he does not allow contact by phone and through social networks, because he does not want his wife to suspect something and there will be conflicts in the family;
- he forbids telling his family and girlfriends about the relationship;
- the man refuses to introduce him to his friends. The mistress has to celebrate the holidays alone, since the husband is with his family;
- a married man shows all his negative qualities;
- he promises that he will definitely get a divorce, but he is not going to do this;
- sex is a must for him, and he believes that any problem can be solved with the help of gifts;
- you don’t make plans or talk about a future together.
If a married lover often talks about how bad his wife is and speaks about her in a disparaging tone, then you should understand that if he finds himself in the place of his legal wife, he will treat you in the same way.
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