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Everyone has different ideas about an ideal relationship. Some people are sure that in a couple, one should give and the other should receive. One participant is to be strong and responsible, and the other is weak and helpless. Then people will complement each other, and the relationship will be harmonious. However, in fact, such partners can be called codependent. And that's not healthy or romantic at all.
What is a codependent relationship
There is no single definition of “codependency” in the psychological community.
On the one hand, this term describes a violation of personal boundaries between partners, when two people in a relationship are emotionally or financially dependent on each other, and the main need of one is to “tie” the other, to become part of him. On the other hand, in psychology, “codependency” also refers to a dysfunctional relationship with a partner suffering from some kind of pathological addiction - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, and so on. In this article we will talk about the first phenomenon, that is, codependency in a couple, which is accompanied by excessive preoccupation with another person, painful experiences - and is reflected in all areas of life.
Just a spoiler - if you are codependent, this does not mean that only separation can solve this problem. Each situation is individual. Having received help and feedback from a specialist, it is possible to maintain the relationship and direct it in a functional healthy direction.
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Find ten differences
We have already written that codependent people do not have a clear idea of personal boundaries. But it is their stability that allows the individual to develop and realize himself. Our boundaries provide security for what is at the core of our self-identity.
Psychological boundaries separate “self” and “others” into different domains. Let's look at a few examples of how the attitudes of codependent and independent people differ.
Dramatic Triangle
More than 40 years ago, American psychiatrist Stephen Karpman introduced the “triangle of fate”, or “drama triangle”, a psychological and social model of interaction between people, consisting of three facets-roles: “persecutor”, “rescuer”. . rescuer) and “victim” (English victim). The Karpman Triangle reflects the structure of codependent relationships.
The “persecutor” sets his own rules, controls, imposes his point of view, does not allow mistakes and is constantly looking for those to blame. When he cannot clearly show his anger, he blackmails and manipulates. The “victim” ignores her own needs, dissolves in the “persecutor”, with whom, as it seems to her, she is connected by true love, and the thought of her loss makes the “victim” panic. The “rescuer” feels his value by imposing help and a feeling of superiority over the “victim”. In a codependent relationship, each of the participants at some point tries on one of three roles, but cannot get out of the vicious circle, because he is afraid and denies the destructiveness of the situation.
You constantly feel insecure
Codependent relationships deprive you of confidence. They literally destroy the self-esteem of one or both partners. You may worry that he is cheating on you or wants to break up. And of course, a codependent partner wants to tie another person to himself in every possible way. Ask yourself: are my assumptions real? It is possible that your insecurities are the result of a codependent relationship. Healthy relationships don't require constant reassurance. And you don't have to prove your love to each other. Trust is the foundation on which normal relationships arise. And of course, this foundation can easily be destroyed by endless suspicions.
Advice:
try to trust your significant other more.
How to distinguish codependent relationships from healthy ones
We all depend on each other to one degree or another. Mutual support, emotional connection, dialogue, mood alignment, common interests - all these are important factors in a healthy relationship. Codependent relationships are toxic connections without which people cannot function. They lose their autonomy. Any difficulties in a relationship with a partner are reflected in other areas of life, including interactions with loved ones, friends and colleagues. In the deep stages of codependency, a person may withdraw, avoid communication with the outside world, because talking about their relationships is scary, embarrassing and uncomfortable; any advice or hint of an unhealthy relationship is perceived with aggression and distrust.
If communication with a child was built through submission and neglect of his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and “love” of his parents, as an adult, he will be more prone to entering into codependency
Codependency is characterized by the attitude that relationships are the most important thing in life, existentially important. An independent person may have a career in second place, a hobby in third, and travel in fourth. A codependent will not be able to easily pass the value test by setting priorities from 1 to 10: all other areas of life pale in comparison to the importance of relationships with a partner, without them life is empty and meaningless.
Developmental pathology in childhood
In psychology, the topic of dependent relationships is one of the most pressing. Why can some people keep their distance, remaining independent from their partner, while others completely dissolve in him and his interests? Psychotherapists see childhood trauma as a stumbling block. For example, the baby did not receive the necessary closeness and attention from his mother; he was often pushed away. I constantly had to control my emotions. Such children carry over the desire to receive love and to be noticed into their subsequent relationships in adulthood. They strive to get the missing attention at any cost.
Causes of codependent relationships between a man and a woman
The tendency to codependent behavior often develops in childhood. The reasons are related to the characteristics of relationships in the parental family and how a close adult responded to the needs of the child: was he sensitive to successes and characteristics, was he emotionally available, did he give freedom of action, or, conversely, was he overprotective when the child could already do something? do it himself and his life did not directly depend on his parent. It is noteworthy that either extreme can contribute to the formation of codependency in the future.
For a child on a biological level, the absence of the love of a mother or another close relative fulfilling her role means death. Love in the family means that the child will be safe, will not be abandoned, will survive and will have his emotional needs met. Research shows that emotional abuse and neglect in childhood puts us at risk for developing codependent behavior in the future.
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If communication with a child was built through submission and neglect of his desires and he sought to please in order to earn the encouragement and “love” of his parents, as an adult, he will be more likely to enter into codependency in marriage or in a relationship with a romantic partner. This behavior is also called the “home instinct” - that is, reproducing the childhood situation in one’s current relationships. This happens on an unconscious level.
For example, if a girl grew up without a father or he was an emotionally unavailable figure, as an adult, she may look for a man who will show similar emotional stinginess: not fully disclose the details of his life, seem to be far away, avoid frank conversations. At the same time, the girl may be aware of the similarities with the relationship of her parents, but she will be firmly convinced that now, in her personal life, she will be able to change everything and correct mistakes. For example, if her parents divorced, then she definitely will not allow this and her children will not be left without a father. However, the “home instinct” often leads not only to the repetition of behavior patterns, but also leads to the same outcome.
Codependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, or do something differently, they will magically be able to earn their partner’s love
Where does codependency come from?
This type of relationship is typical for people who grew up in not the most prosperous families. We are talking not only about situations where one of the adults drank, a child was beaten and an unhealthy environment reigned at home. Children of authoritarian parents, those who were overprotected, and those who grew up with seriously ill relatives are prone to codependency. Such a person has problems with his own boundaries, does not have a clear idea of \u200b\u200bhis “I”, and he easily dissolves in his partner.
Julia Hill
Psychologist, member of the Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.
As a rule, it does not happen that one person is prone to codependency, and his partner is not. People initially, by subtle signs, identify and find a person who will allow them to serve their mental needs in a relationship. For example, the son of an overbearing mother will probably choose a woman who is not like his parent: quiet, modest, flexible. It is she who will subsequently become the victim, and he - the domestic tyrant, jealous, controlling, criticizing.
Or the daughter of an alcoholic will pay attention to a strong, responsible man, and then their relationship will be based on a struggle for power. Or, on the contrary, for an intelligent person who is helpless in everyday life, and then she will become a “savior mother” for him. Both scenarios with the daughter of an alcoholic have every chance of ending in the husband’s drunkenness.
How to understand that you are in a codependent relationship
Codependency manifests itself in different ways. It is always necessary to evaluate the intensity and coincidence of several signs of a codependent relationship, including:
- Need for control and lack of freedom
When your partner moves away from you, you begin to feel emotional tension and emotional dependence on your partner. You exhibit controlling behavior and impose your will. You expect your partner to behave in a certain way that you understand.
- Rapid rapprochement
You met and can’t part, you quickly move in together, quickly get married. Often in this case, the idealization of the partner is inflated to the maximum. Our consciousness turns expectations and fantasies about the qualities of a partner into reality.
- Search for salvation
In another person you see salvation from your loneliness and inner emptiness. Career, hobbies, interests, life guidelines and principles - nothing but your partner can fill the emptiness inside, only with him or her do you feel “at home”.
- No choice
You cannot recognize and respect your partner's right to make his own choices. The fact that his or her desires and decisions may be different from yours is scary and not discussed.
- Impaired sensitivity to self and others
You are aware of only fragmentary knowledge about yourself and your partner, reproducing repetitions of your emotions and behavior from year to year. It's like living through the same scenario. The dominant feelings and behavioral reactions in this scenario will be guilt, anger, fear, mistrust, overprotection, overcontrol.
- Difficulty accepting responsibility
Responsibility for your well-being, development, and satisfaction of needs lies with your partner. You are guided by the phrase “I would,...but...” and it’s as if you are living a draft of your life.
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- The idea that your partner owes you
It is difficult to negotiate in a codependent relationship. Attitudes regarding the behavior and responsibilities of a partner (for example, that a woman should be the muse and a man should be the breadwinner) do not change from the beginning of the relationship and do not allow for discussion.
- Low self-esteem
There is no inner conviction that you are worthy and valuable in yourself. You constantly have doubts, and with your behavior you try to earn love, praise and prove that you have the right to it.
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- Money problems
Financial dependence on a partner makes us feel small and in need of care. This desire can again be associated with the “home instinct”, because children should not and cannot provide for themselves. Fanatical accumulation may indicate the opposite - fear of losing independence and asking for help. Healthy relationships include flexibility where financial roles can change without juggling the roles of “rescuer,” “victim,” and “persecutor.”
- Desire for revenge and competition
If your partner makes a mistake and does something unpleasant, instead of giving constructive feedback and discussing the issue, you hold a grudge. At the right moment, you repeat your partner's behavior in order to hurt him or her and say with grim satisfaction, “why can you behave like that, but I can’t.”
- Magical thinking
Codependent people believe that if they behave correctly, find the right words, or do something differently, they will magically be able to earn their partner’s love. Like in childhood: if I get an A or clean the house, my parents will praise me and love me more.
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In addition, people with codependency often exhibit behavioral addictions, such as workaholism, compulsive overeating, hoarding, or an obsessive need for perfect cleanliness and organization of space. The life of a codependent is like chaos, these habits help to ground and calm down in eternal anxiety, create a sense of control over your life.
What can love addiction lead to?
To understand the catastrophe that dependent relationships can lead to, read the story of a woman who was “stuck” in the first type of dependence on a man—dissolution.
Dissolution in a man. Marina's story
The love story of my friends Marina and Sergei began at an exhibition of contemporary art. Walking around the hall, the young people stopped at a painting that they both liked.
We started talking. It turned out that they had common passions not only in painting.
We exchanged phone numbers. We met. Then again and again... Two months later, Marina and Sergei were already living together in her apartment.
Fascinated by Sergei, Marina did not notice anyone around: she did not answer phone calls, stopped meeting with friends and relatives.
She completely relieved her man of housework, pleasing him in everything, and admired the intelligence and talent of her chosen one. I left my job, giving up my favorite activities.
At first Sergei liked it, then it began to irritate him. He stayed late at work more and more often, coming up with all sorts of excuses. And one day he didn’t come to spend the night at all. True, he came home in the morning with flowers. Marina readily forgave him, without even asking where he spent the night.
Quickly
realizing that Marina was ready to accept anyone, Sergei decided not to spend the night at home, was rude, made trouble, and mocked.
Relatives and friends tried to talk to Marina about their relationship, but she did not see the obvious and idolized her “king.”
Finally the day came when it turned out that Sergei had another lady of his heart. He admitted that he was “sick of Marina’s tolerance and sacrifice” and left her, slamming the door.
So she was left alone with a broken heart and crippled self-confidence. She cried, did not sleep at night, sorting through her “sins and mistakes.” She constantly called her ex-lover, begging her to come back... At first he answered the phone, and then he blacklisted Marina’s number.
On topic: “He left me. How to continue to live?”: Analysis of your situations
Continuous attacks of self-flagellation, pain and suffering due to love addiction led Marina to prolonged depression. From a cheerful woman
she turned into a hunched old woman.
Fearing for her life and health, family and friends sounded the alarm. They took me to the doctor. The latter prescribed a bunch of antidepressants.
One day, while waiting for a doctor’s appointment, Marina accidentally saw herself in the mirror. A casually dressed woman of unknown age with empty, indifferent eyes looked at her. This caused her such genuine horror that she vowed to regain herself.
entered her new life with the understanding that not a single man in the world is worth dying over.
Gradually she got back into shape and found an interesting job. She returned to communication with her friends, remembered how she liked to spend time before marriage.
Periodically I met with Marina and learned news from her. Therefore, she was not at all surprised when she got a new boyfriend. Now they are already married. And in this new relationship, Marina no longer suffers from pathological dependence on a man, because now she loves not only her husband, but also herself. I would even say this: she loves first of all
myself. That is why her love for her husband is harmonious and gives her a lot of happiness.
If you, like Marina, would like to meet new love and build a new wonderful relationship, take the first step towards this right now.
Join Elizaveta Volkova's free master class and learn how to attract the man of your dreams in 35 days.
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Consequences of codependent relationships
In a codependent relationship, a person seems to lose himself, personal boundaries are erased, hobbies disappear and attention to his needs disappears. At the same time, all resources are spent on maintaining toxic relationships, and not on trying to restore the psychological state.
Very often, codependency is characterized by cyclical patterns. A person experiences an emotional swing - happiness and temporary idyll are replaced by aggression, manipulation, and neglect. Moreover, such changes occur suddenly, so one of the partners is constantly in tension, expecting a change in the weather at any moment. This weakens the psyche and self-esteem.
Breaking up a relationship is not always the only option. If desired, partners can change their relationship if they make this decision together and make an effort to do so
A companion to codependent relationships is violence. It can be physical - hitting, slapping, pushing, even hugging against one's will; sexual - uncomfortable touching or sexual contact against the will and consent; emotional - insults and verbal injections, various manipulations of feelings. In families with codependency problems, passive violence towards children can also be observed when parents are emotionally unavailable: there is no scolding, but there are no warm words or physical contact. Also, the responsibilities of an adult may not be transferred to the child in a timely manner - for example, the elder is expected to constantly care for the younger ones.
Violence is terrible both in itself and in its consequences. Children often develop attachment trauma, which will prevent them from building trusting relationships in the future. If a person managed to get out of a codependent relationship, but failed to undergo personal therapy or it was insufficient, there is a high risk of a vicious circle and a repetition of the experience with another partner.
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You spend less time with friends and family
If you start to lose contact with people who are important to you, this is always a bad sign. This means that the focus of the relationship in the couple has shifted. Over time, you become more and more isolated from the people who value you. Of course, when you're in love, you want to spend all your time together. And often other people fall out of sight. But if it happens for too long, then it could be a warning sign. And if the relationship ends unexpectedly, you may find yourself alone. Codependent relationships involve one partner sacrificing their connections for the other. And of course you don't want that.
Advice:
spend more time with friends and family.
Literature:
- Shorokhova, O. A. Codependency // Life traps of addiction and codependency: [arch. May 12, 2020]. - St. Petersburg. : Speech, 2002.
- Shagova, Ya. Codependent relationships: How to stop clinging to a partner: When caring for loved ones goes beyond boundaries: [arch. January 25, 2021] // Wonderzine. — 2022. — March 12.
- Artemtseva N.G. The phenomenon of codependency: psychological aspect: / Artemtseva N.G. – M.: RIO MGUDT, 2012 - 222 p.
Article prepared by an expert
Terekhova Anna Vladimirovna
Psychologist-consultant on socio-psychological work with addicted clients and their families. Experience in the field of rehabilitation and social adaptation of persons with dependent behavior for more than 9 years.
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Course of positive changes “Healthy family”
At the center for professional treatment and rehabilitation “Zdravnitsa” there is a program of psychological support for loved ones and relatives of addicts. While the addict is undergoing a rehabilitation program, relatives attend classes in the practical Course of Positive Changes “Healthy Family”.
Recovery is based on the following theses:
- Alcoholism and drug addiction are a family disease, which should be treated not only by narcologists, but also by psychologists, psychotherapists, social workers, and also consultants who have completed a full course of rehabilitation.
- Chemical dependence is not a bad habit or vice, but a disease that requires treatment.
- Codependency brings a lot of unpleasant emotions to close relatives, who also require professional support from psychologists.
- Treatment of addicts and codependents is carried out simultaneously.
- There is nothing shameful in alcoholism and drug addiction ; you must strive for recovery with all your might.
A mutually beneficial partnership, where each family member strives for self-expression without infringing on the needs of others, is the only healthy type of relationship building. To recover, you need to realize that codependency also requires treatment. Pity and excuses for the actions of an alcoholic or drug addict interfere with the recovery of the addict, so working with relatives and loved ones is an important and necessary stage in the treatment of addiction. For an addict, after completing a rehabilitation program, it is important to return to a healthy family, where everyone knows their boundaries and knows how to behave appropriately to the situation.
