Karpman triangle. Codependent relationships in the family of an alcoholic

Many people are in love relationships that cannot be called happy. In a relationship whose motto is the phrase “it’s difficult for us together, and even more difficult for us apart.”

Such relationships do not seem to be maintained due to the conscious choice of people to be in these particular relationships. It’s as if something inexplicable is forcing them to be together and not separate. Such relationships are called codependent.

And in this article I will tell you about codependent relationships and what codependency is. I'll tell you about the reasons for codependent relationships. And also about the signs of codependent relationships by which they can be recognized.

I’ll tell you how such a relationship develops. What manipulative games do codependents play? I’ll tell you with which partners it is impossible to create a healthy relationship.

I will also share how to get out of a codependent relationship. And how to reduce your codependency so that you can build healthy relationships with people.

What are codependent relationships and codependency?

Many psychologists, when talking about codependency, have in mind its narrow concept. When codependency is a state of dependence in which family members with an addicted person (alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, etc.) find themselves. When they are highly dependent on his behavior.

But there is a broader definition of codependency, when it means any dependence of one person on a significant other.

And codependent relationships are relationships that codependent partners build. When they both focus more not on themselves, not on what is happening inside them: what they themselves want, what they feel and what they need. And they focus on their partner - what he does or doesn’t do, where he is and how he is, what he wants or doesn’t want, how he will behave this time and whether he will finally change or not.

Codependency often originates in the family in which a person grew up. Those who acquired codependent traits and behavior patterns were most likely raised in a codependent family, i.e. in a family with broken relationships.

Codependent relationships are relationships in which the personal boundaries of the participants in these relationships are systematically violated.

What is the danger of inaction in case of codependency?

Any of the three behavior patterns will not allow you to build healthy adult relationships - this is the first thing. And secondly, prolonged stay in this state overloads the psyche with negative emotions (irritation, anxiety, depression), which a codependent person will try to constantly suppress. Such growing tension is fraught with the emergence of aggression, depression, social maladjustment (since all free time is taken up by the problems of the dependent relative and their solution), and in some cases even suicidal behavior.

Signs of a codependent relationship

• You're not happy with the relationship, but you're not leaving it and you're not doing anything to truly change it. If you do something for this, then only those actions that ultimately turn out to be ineffective.
• You are not satisfied with your partner the way he is. You want and hope that he will change.
• You yourself greatly adapt to your partner and your relationship. In these relationships, you are not yourself, you are not sincere with your partner, as if you are “wearing a mask”, playing some kind of learned role.
• Such relationships are built on a “swing”: they are either very good or monstrously bad. You either want to be together with your man, or you want to separate and never see him again. You either agree with him or diverge. Either you love your partner and “can’t live without him,” then you hate him or stop having feelings for him. Because of such “swings,” relationships look unstable. You can see an example of such instability in the film “Swing” (2008).
• You feel that you and your partner have a “special connection”, you seem to be an extension of each other, you are like two “halves”, but at the same time there is no true closeness between you.
• In your couple, the responsibilities and boundaries between you are confused - it is not clear where the personal space of each of you is, it is not clear who is responsible for what, and who is responsible for what. You violate your partner's boundaries, and he violates yours. You take responsibility for your partner's actions and behavior, or your partner takes responsibility for you.

Causes of codependent relationships:

• Lack of unconditional love from parents in childhood, the child chronically did not have important needs met. Which he then tries to satisfy in his adult relationship with that partner who, just like his parents, turns out to be unable to give this.
• Developmental trauma is psychological trauma in early childhood, due to which a person was unable to complete the stages of forming an attachment with his mother and subsequent separation from her.
• Psychological, physical or sexual abuse in childhood. In the family where a person grew up, his personal boundaries were regularly violated.
• Triangulation - when the child’s parents systematically involved him in the conflicts that occurred in their couple.
• A person grew up in a family where someone was either highly addicted (to alcohol, drugs, gambling), or a psychopath, or mentally ill.
• Relationships with a toxic partner as an adult – e.g. with a chemically dependent person (alcoholic, drug addict), with a psychopath, a pick-up artist, with a sexaholic, manipulator or pathological narcissist.

Story No. 2

It seems to me that I lost my son when I followed my husband to Kamchatka on a long business trip. Seryoga was 17, he was left alone in the apartment and it began. Now he is 27, it has come to using hard drugs. During this time, he got married, had a son, and divorced his wife. His ex-wife won't let me see my grandson. He says he doesn't want anything to do with the drug addict's family. My son was recently diagnosed with hepatitis. And my whole life turned into caring for him, spying on him. I see drugs everywhere, I look for them around the apartment, I check his phone all the time, keep track of new acquaintances, communication with old ones. Once a year he goes to the clinic for treatment, and only then do I rest. Perhaps my life will never change?

Anna, 53 years old

Of all forms of chemical dependence, drug addiction, as a rule, has the most acute form and obvious dynamics. Under the influence of drugs, the life of the user is rapidly destroyed, and in most cases, neither he himself nor his loved ones are able to stop this process. And most attempts to control it yourself only lead to aggravation of the situation.

As a rule, in such families, parents blame themselves for improper upbringing and try to correct the mistakes that they think they made. This position becomes extremely beneficial for the drug addict, and he completely shifts responsibility for his behavior to external factors.

The situation is aggravated by the fact that most chemically dependent people do not recognize the danger of the problem and are not motivated to receive treatment and help. Therefore, urban self-help groups may not be enough. The help of qualified specialists is required.

In such cases, long-term inpatient treatment, which combines pharmacological and psychological components, shows its effectiveness.

However, often this is not enough. Experts in the field of helping addictive patients recognize the influence of family factors on the development and course of the disease. One of the concepts of family psychotherapy says that addiction is a family systemic disease and affects all family members. However, the addict himself is the active carrier of the symptoms.

Thus, to effectively help an addicted person, it is necessary to include other family members in the treatment process for a comprehensive correction of dysfunctional patterns that contribute to further relapses.

Important information about codependent relationships. What motivates people to find themselves in them again and again?

When a child grows up in a family where events constantly occur that cause a lot of painful, difficult feelings in him. For example, repeated domestic violence, dad gets drunk regularly, parents constantly argue, etc.

Then he needs to somehow adapt to the difficult environment in which he grows up in order to survive. And as such an adaptation, he learns not to feel anything, i.e. suppress your feelings and experiences, using various psychological defenses.

As a result of such suppression of feelings, a person, when he becomes an adult, cannot rely on his feelings. Because of this, he cannot understand whether what is happening in his relationship is normal or not. Is such a relationship suitable for him or not?

And as a result, he spends years in a toxic environment and toxic relationships without even realizing it. Since childhood, he has been accustomed to suppressing his feelings. And when he grew up, he continued to do this in his codependent relationships.

When he experiences discomfort and painful feelings that signal to him that something needs to be changed in the relationship. He tries to suppress them, somehow get rid of these feelings, drown them out. Instead of changing your relationship by solving the problem that caused these feelings. Or instead of breaking up with your partner.

When we grow up in a family with codependent, unhealthy relationships, we develop different ways of adapting to this environment where we find ourselves. Which help us survive.

But unfortunately, this leads to such consequences that, due to these same protective methods of adaptation, we begin not to notice reality, not to notice toxicity. And what helped us survive in childhood leads us, as adults, to repeat those painful stories that happened in our family in childhood.

For example, to cope with situations of repeated violence, a girl explains to herself that nothing bad is being done to her. This protects her from pain and helps her survive in an environment that she cannot change.

But when she grows up, she again finds herself in an abusive relationship and does not leave it because she explains to herself that nothing bad is actually happening in her relationship, and that what is being done to her is not abuse.

This is roughly how our defenses work. And therefore we can build codependent relationships again and again in our adult lives.

Functions of the dependent

The patient performs the function of a psychostimulant - an “object” with which the codependent fills the void. The self-identity of the codependent is fragmented; the dependent provides the meaning of life, the feeling of being needed, in demand, and useful.

The other side needs it. Without it, the meaning of existence is lost - this explains the strong attachment. The addict experiences weaker cravings; his object is drugs or alcohol.

Fixation on an “object” does not increase its value; it is a tool for satisfying a moral need. The egocentric position of the codependent makes it difficult to consider the personality; he is present in the picture of the world without his own feelings, desires, experiences, and characteristics.

The level of psychological development of both sides is the same - borderline organization of the personality structure, egocentrism, hot temper, lack of ability to restrain affect, low self-esteem, infantilism. The principle of complementarity - an integral, autonomous personality will avoid the “tandem”.

What is common is pathological attachment - to a chemical substance, regardless of the stage of alcoholism or drug addiction, to a person.

Partners in codependent relationships

Some people are impossible to form healthy relationships with. No matter how much you try to work on yourself, little will change in your relationship if you are faced with a so-called toxic partner.

Types of partners with whom only dependent relationships are possible:

1. A person without empathy, a “love predator” - this can be a pathological narcissist, a psychopath, a sociopath, a sadist, a manipulator, a pick-up artist, a misogynist. In my opinion, it doesn’t make much difference what exactly this person has. Moreover, these traits and disorders often exist simultaneously in one person. The only important thing is that he is not able to empathize with other people. Therefore, a healthy relationship with such a partner is impossible, no matter how hard you try.
2. A person with a serious addiction is an alcoholic, drug addict, gambling addict, sex addict. Until the person himself wants to get rid of his addiction, you cannot do anything about it. And you won’t be able to build a healthy enough relationship with him.
3. A pronounced counterdependent is a person who is terribly afraid of becoming attached to another person and being rejected by him, and is also very afraid of losing his freedom. And therefore he behaves coldly and unstable in relationships, unconsciously playing the “closer/farther” game with his partner. Often counterdependents provoke their partner so that he “depends” on them, achieves them, tries to keep them. And if your counterdependent partner is not ready to work on himself and receive psychotherapeutic help, then you will not have a healthy relationship with him.
4. A psychologically immature partner is a partner who constantly behaves like a child or a teenager. Such a person will unconsciously always put you in the role of his parent, i.e. create a codependent relationship with you. And until he matures, psychologically and emotionally “grows up”, you will not be able to have a healthy, mature, equal relationship with him.
5. A man married to another woman, i.e. unfree partner.
6. A person prone to cheating. Sometimes cheating in a couple happens only because of problems in their relationship. But sometimes it’s the partner himself – he simply cannot help but cheat on his loved one. Regardless of how satisfied he is with his relationship, he still cheats. And cheating on your regular partner is a violation of his personal boundaries; relationships in which there is cheating cannot be healthy. Therefore, it is impossible to build a healthy relationship with a person who cannot or does not want to be faithful to his partner.

Difference #2: Women get depressed, men get angry.

Women: “I failed the most important relationship in my life.” Men: “If I meet my wife’s lover, I will kill him.”
A common female reaction to infidelity is self-deprecation. Men tend to be angry and attack those who have hurt them, at least in their fantasies.

According to a recent Mayo Clinic study, women are twice as likely to develop clinical depression as men. One reason for this trend is women's tendency to turn criticism inward on themselves rather than outward on others.

The second reason is that women more often define themselves through relationships with other people and associate their worth with whether they are loved or not. When a relationship breaks down or fails, a woman is more likely to experience low self-esteem and depression because she doesn't just lose her partner, she loses herself.

A man, on the contrary, would rather direct his rage at his wife or her lover than at himself. Aggressive men are more likely to have to restrain their violence, but even passive, introspective men sometimes find themselves fantasizing about attacking the “enemy.” Either way, anger gives you back power and control by driving away anxious feelings like shame or self-doubt. Some of you will want to see your partner as a victim who has fallen under the influence of a tempting lover. This way, you avoid the painful possibility that your partner made the decision to have an affair because he was disappointed in you.

Manipulative games in codependent relationships

In codependent relationships there are usually no clear and open requests and agreements. Instead, people play different games to get from their partner what they want from them.

Some people strive to show themselves helpless in order to arouse pity in other people and a desire to help. Someone is trying to force others to act the way they want through a demonstration of aggression and force. And someone actively helps other people, “saves” them, “sacrifices” himself for them, so that they, in turn, will be grateful to them and repay them in kind.

In general, all manipulative games in relationships can be reduced to three roles - victim, aggressor and rescuer. These roles make up the Karpman triangle, the drama triangle along which all codependent relationships are built.

These games help people get something from others in an indirect way, i.e. avoiding responsibility for your needs.

Manipulation in codependent relationships is built on the fact that you do not have to independently realize your desires, honestly declare them to the other person and voice your request. And to reduce the likelihood of refusal on his part.

Manipulative relationships, in which manipulation is used a lot and often, cannot be called safe and sincere enough. Therefore, such relationships cannot develop into spiritual intimacy.

The cycle of codependent relationships

In codependent relationships, people again and again try to satisfy those needs that were not met in their childhood in relationships with their parents. But they fail to do this. And then they accumulate irritation, which over time results in a scandal.

Some time after the breakup, partners begin to miss each other. Their fear of loneliness begins to intensify and they hope that their partner can still change and give them what they need.

As a result, they converge again. And again the same scenario is repeated where people cannot get what they need from their partner.

And similar cycles play out again and again in codependent relationships, making both partners unhappy.

How to get out of a codependent relationship?

There are two ways to get out of a codependent relationship:

1. Change these relationships, rebuild them into healthier ones.
2. End this relationship, i.e. break up with this partner.

Not every dependent relationship can be rebuilt, because... the other person may not need it. He may not be ready for change, may not want it, it may be too beneficial for him to be in such a codependent relationship, he may not want to negotiate, etc. And then the best way out will be separation.

On the other hand, ending a relationship that was dependent may not give the person anything. He can find a new partner and again create a similar codependent relationship with him.

Therefore, in order to build a truly healthy, happy relationship, it is important to change yourself. It is important to understand your codependency and codependent behavior patterns, to work through what supports this dependence. And learn to build your relationships differently.

And then it will be much easier for you to get out of dependent relationships if you understand that your partner does not want or cannot change, does not want to discuss your relationship with you, or if this relationship can no longer be saved. Or it will be easier for your partner to change his behavior after you, if he wants to.

The way out of codependency is when you start taking care of yourself instead of changing your partner. An attempt to remake another is violence against him. And violence in relationships only aggravates and strengthens the codependent scenario.

How do people with a dependent structure end up seeing a psychotherapist?

Two types of requests:

1. The request is from a codependent, the client is dependent. The standard scheme is prognostically unfavorable, there is no condition: recognition of one’s own contribution. The client denies the presence of the disease. Codependent mothers and fathers come to “correct” the teenager’s behavior.
2. The request is the codependent, the client is him. The prognosis is favorable. Does not respond well to psychotherapeutic influence - problems are formed by a basic mental defect (lack of control, infantility, limited interests, “attachment”).

What do you need to “work” in yourself in order to build healthy, interdependent relationships?

1) Become aware of your behavior patterns in relationships and codependent scenarios - this is a very important point, because without their awareness, these scenarios cannot be changed.

In codependent relationships, people often use such psychological defense as denial. Therefore, first of all, it is important to get out of the influence of such defenses and accept the reality of your relationship, that they are not really happy with you.

2) Study and analyze in detail codependent scenarios in your past and current relationships. And figure out what you can start doing differently in your relationship.

3) Learn to shift the focus of attention from your partner’s behavior to your inner world. That is, start asking yourself questions: What is happening to me now? What do I think about this? What do I feel? What do I need? What am I striving for? Why am I doing this? Why do I need this relationship, what important do I get from it for myself? How does what my partner does to me resonate with me? How do I feel about this?

4) “Unfreeze” your feelings, i.e. learn to feel your feelings, as well as recognize, name them and express them environmentally.

It is also important to study the information about what our particular emotions usually tell us, what function this or that feeling performs.

5) Learn to recognize your needs and desires. And with the help of my feelings, I learn to navigate what I want and what I don’t want, what suits me and what doesn’t suit me.

6) Disconnect your needs and desires from your partner in a codependent relationship. Assign your desires to yourself, take responsibility for their implementation. And recognize that these needs can be met for you by other people or by yourself, and not just by your partner.

7) Learn to ask other people and receive from them - warmth, care, attention, support, praise. And learn to give it to other people when they ask for it.

Learn to monitor your manipulations and games in relationships. For each manipulation, look for what need you were trying to satisfy with its help. And learn to replace your manipulations with open requests.

9) Learn to recognize your own and other people’s boundaries, protect your personal boundaries and not violate others. Do not shift your responsibility onto others and do not take on someone else’s.

10) Learn to see both “good” and “bad” in the world, in yourself, in other people, in some phenomena. Refuse “black and white” split thinking, notice halftones, learn not to go to extremes. Become more holistic by resolving your internal conflicts. Use “and” rather than “or” more often.

11) Develop your sense of self-worth, self-esteem. Learn to love yourself, take care of yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Study yourself, who you are and what you are, get to know yourself, your true “I”.

Learn to love your inner child, who in codependents is usually very wounded and hungry for love.

12) Start healing your childhood traumas that are reproduced in codependent relationships. Complete what is left unfinished in the relationship with parents. Heal your inner traumatized child.

13) Work through fears associated with relationships - fear of loneliness and fear of intimacy. Codependent relationships are usually structured in such a way that people can avoid both loneliness and intimacy. And for a healthy relationship, both the ability to be alone and the ability to get closer to another person are important.

14) Instead of immature, infantile dependence, learn mature dependence. Mature dependence differs from immature dependence in that it has a choice of whom to depend on and who not to depend on.

The child has only parents, and he depends on them, no matter what they are. And an adult always has a choice with whom to build relationships and communicate, and with whom not. And in addition to depending on other people, an adult also has the ability to rely on himself, which can help him if something happens.

And the way out of codependency lies not in getting rid of your dependence on other people and not in gaining complete self-sufficiency and independence - but in learning to use your natural dependence in a more mature way.

Learn to choose partners who are safe and loving enough to meet the needs that matter to you, and who do not resort to violence. That is, choose people for relationships consciously, and not under the influence of your childhood traumas.

15) Learn to build close relationships with another person. Learn to be vulnerable and sincere with them, learn to trust those people who are safe enough for this and whom you know well enough.

To do this, it is important to learn to get closer gradually, looking closely at the person, how much you can trust him, whether he is reliable and safe enough for this. And learn to feel the distance with people at which you feel comfortable being with them, so that you are not “too close” or “too far.”

16) Learn to build healthy, interdependent relationships without falling into dependence or counterdependence. Learn to use “I messages” in communication, resolve conflicts effectively and in a civilized manner, and also master other skills necessary for a new format of open, sincere relationships.

How to get rid of the disorder yourself?

Helping a codependent begins with his own recognition of the fact that the problem of his personal addiction exists, and it must be urgently solved. And you need to start by eliminating existing fears. The most common fears of a codependent person are:

• Left alone

  . “As long as I care and patronize a person, he will be with me.”

• Judging other people

  . “What will friends/neighbors say about constant quarrels, inappropriate behavior under alcohol, unpleasant appearance?” These fears push the codependent to buy vodka/drugs/medicines on their own in order to avoid a scandal, to lie all kinds in order to hide the real situation from others.

• Concern for the life of a dependent relative
  . “If I leave, he will go to jail/hospital, do something to himself, die.”
• Live your life
  . “I don’t have time to go to the theater, I have to always be with my husband.” The inability to choose one's own path in life is replaced by concern for someone else's life.

Here are recommendations from psychologists who will help you get on the road to getting rid of codependency, and often successfully cope with the disease and start living in a new way.

1. Get rid of guilt. Claiming that you are to blame for another person’s addictions and behavior is baseless.
2. Recognize your loved one's addiction, clearly understanding that he needs professional help, and not encouraging a habit that is dangerous to his life.
3. You should not believe the phrase: “I can quit drinking/gambling/taking drugs at any time.” It doesn't happen that way. Any addiction requires a sincere desire to get rid of it and the application of enormous efforts, as well as the intervention of an experienced helping specialist.
4. Try to look at the situation realistically and not justify the behavior of the addict, remembering that he behaved well before.
5. Do not control every action of the addict, this will only activate secrecy in him, he will begin to lie to you and dodge, trying not to show the real state of affairs.

These recommendations will help you take the first steps towards getting rid of addiction, but you need to understand that an unhealthy relationship is a serious illness, and it arose due to the characteristics of the psyche and beliefs on both sides. Overcoming codependency on your own is not easy; the best solution is to honestly admit the problem and seek help from a specialist.

How to work it all out?

All this work can be done in personal therapy with a psychologist. This is a regular visit to his consultations 1 or 2 times a week, during which you, with the help of a specialist, carry out deep work on yourself, on your unconscious processes, increase your awareness of how you work and how you build your relationships with other people.

Working through codependency requires at least a year of work in personal therapy. And usually even longer. But this is much less than if you work independently or with the help of books, trainings, and webinars. And this is much better than spending your entire life in a relationship where you are unhappy and unfulfilled.

I work in the format of long-term online therapy with problems of codependency and dependent relationships. So you can contact me.