Below is the Victim. She herself feels her humiliated position and communicates from the position: “I’m not okay - you’re okay.” The victim devalues his abilities.
“Sometimes she herself looks for the Persecutor so that he can humiliate her and put her in her place. At the same time, the Victim gets the opportunity to confirm his script belief: “There’s something wrong with me. Other people don't like me." Often the Victim looks for a Rescuer who will help her and confirm the script belief: “I cannot solve problems on my own.” The triangle must be drawn as isosceles,” says psychologist Lyudmila Sjöholm.
Karpman triangle in psychology
An interesting feature of the Karpman Triangle is that this situation may not change for quite a long time, one way or another suiting each of the parties:
- The persecutor, representing a strong personality, puts pressure on others;
- The victim considers it quite normal to shift responsibility for his failures to others;
- The rescuer is confident that he is obliged to help everyone who finds themselves in difficult circumstances.
And although all the roles in the Karpman Triangle are strictly defined, they can change. Sometimes the Victim can become the Persecutor, the Rescuer can transform into the Victim, etc. However, such metamorphoses are rather a temporary phenomenon.
The Role of the Victim
An interesting fact is that in his Triangle, Karpman assigns the main role to the Victim. In his opinion, all 3 personalities do everything possible to not be responsible for the situations occurring in their lives.
The victim seeks to evoke sympathy from others and attract attention to himself. In addition, in some cases it can provoke the Pursuer and Rescuer
Having achieved her goal, she begins to influence them, wanting to receive some kind of compensation.
Later, the Victim herself can turn into one of the opposite characters. However, having entered into a new image, she will still try not to change her views and avoid responsibility for her actions.
An interesting fact is that in certain cases in the Karpman Triangle, all 3 types of characters can be Victims. You can leave the role of the Victim only by changing the emotional background. She needs to understand and feel that changes have occurred in her life.
In addition, the Victim must understand that she can change her life only when she herself is responsible for her actions.
The role of the pursuer
The persecutor is a person who does everything to dominate others. It is curious that, trying to influence the Victim, the Persecutor justifies his actions in every possible way.
If the Victim begins to resist his Persecutor, he tries to suppress the protest. If he succeeds, he receives satisfaction and asserts himself. As a result, oppression and manipulation of others become a basic need for the Persecutor.
An interesting fact is that the Persecutor finds justifications for all his actions that are reasonable from his point of view. If this cannot be done, the Persecutor’s beliefs may be destroyed.
At the same time, when the Victim begins to resist, this can serve as an additional incentive for the Persecutor to continue to put pressure on her.
Role of the Rescuer
The Rescuer is a very complex character in Karpman's Triangle. He has a tendency towards hostility, which he tries in every possible way to suppress.
Since for a number of reasons he cannot become a Persecutor, he has to look for other ways to realize his hidden needs. As a result, he finds his own purpose, which is to help the Victim.
At the same time, it cannot be said that he is trying his best to help her, because then he risks losing the opportunity for his self-realization.
This self-realization consists in the fact that the Rescuer, under the guise of helping the Victim, shows hostility towards the Persecutor, invisible to others. Therefore, he is not really interested in the Victim's exit from the Karpman Triangle.
Karpman triangle
Karpman Triangle: Aggressor - Victim - Savior. Concept enrichment.
This article belongs to the series of articles “Psychological educational program”
The author of this article is Alexander Vakurov. Source https://vakurov.ru
This article is my attempt to expand and deepen our understanding of the roles in the classic magic triangle of relationships (also sometimes called the triangle of power) - Karpman’s triangle “Aggressor - Victim - Savior”.
There is a triangle of relationships - the so-called Karpman Triangle, consisting of three vertices:
- Savior
- Aggressor
- Victim
This triangle is also called a magic triangle, because once you get into it, its roles begin to dictate the participants’ choices, reactions, feelings, perceptions, sequence of moves, and so on.
And most importantly, the participants freely “float” in their roles in this triangle.
The Victim very quickly turns into a Persecutor (Aggressor) for the former Savior, and the Savior very quickly becomes the Victim of the former Victim.
For example, there is someone suffering from something or someone (this “something” or “someone” is the Aggressor). And the sufferer (sufferer) is, like, a Victim.
The Victim quickly finds a Savior (or saviors), who (for various reasons) tries (or rather, tries) to help the Victim.
Everything would be fine, but the Triangle is magical, and the Victim does not need deliverance from the Aggressor at all, and the Savior does not need the Victim to stop being a victim. Otherwise she won't need him. What is a Savior without sacrifice? The victim will be “cured”, “delivered”, who is to be saved?
It turns out that both the Savior and the Victim are interested (unconsciously, of course) in ensuring that virtually everything remains the same.
The victim must suffer, and the Savior must help.
Everyone is happy:
The Victim receives his share of attention and care, and the Savior is proud of the role he plays in the life of the Victim. The Victim pays the Savior with recognition of his merits and role, and the Savior pays the Victim for this with attention, time, energy, feelings, etc.
So what? - you ask. Still happy!
No matter how it is!
The triangle doesn't stop there. What the victim receives is not enough . She begins to demand and draw more and more of the Savior’s attention and energy. The Savior tries (on a conscious level), but nothing works out. Of course, on an unconscious level, he is not interested in helping FINALLY, he is not a fool, to lose such a tasty process!
He doesn’t succeed, his condition and self-esteem (self-esteem) decrease, he becomes ill, and the Victim continues to wait and demand attention and help.
Gradually and imperceptibly, the Savior becomes a Victim, and the former Victim becomes a Persecutor (Aggressor) for her former Savior. And the more the Savior invested in the one he saved, the more, by and large, he owes her. Expectations are rising, and he MUST fulfill them.
The former victim is increasingly dissatisfied with the Savior who “did not live up to her expectations.” She is becoming more and more confused about who the aggressor really is. For her, the former Savior is already to blame for her troubles. Somehow, a transition occurs imperceptibly, and she is almost consciously dissatisfied with her former benefactor, and already blames him almost more than the one whom she previously considered her Aggressor.
The former Savior becomes a deceiver and a new Aggressor for the former Victim, and the former Victim organizes a real hunt for the former Savior.
But that is not all.
The former idol is defeated and overthrown.
The victim is looking for new Saviors, because the number of Aggressors has increased - the former Savior did not live up to expectations, by and large, deceived her, and must be punished.
The former Savior, being already a Victim of his former Victim, exhausted in attempts (no, not to help, he now cares only about one thing - to be able to save himself from the “victim”) - begins (already like a true victim) to look for other saviors - both for himself and for his former Victim. By the way, these can be different Saviors - for the former savior and the former victim.
The circle is expanding . Why is the triangle called magic, because:
1. Each participant is in all its corners (plays all the roles assigned to the triangle); 2. The triangle is designed in such a way that it involves more and more new members of the orgy.
The former Savior, used, is thrown away, he is exhausted, and can no longer be useful to the Victim, and the Victim sets out in search and pursuit of new Saviors (its future victims)
From the Aggressor's point of view, there are also interesting things here.
The aggressor (the real aggressor, the one who considers himself an aggressor, a persecutor) as a rule, does not know that the Victim is not really a victim. That she is not really defenseless, she just needs this role.
The Victim very quickly finds Saviors, who “suddenly” appear on the path of the “Aggressor”, and he very quickly becomes their Victim, and the Saviors turn into Persecutors of the former Aggressor.
This was perfectly described by Eric Berne using the example of the fairy tale about Little Red Riding Hood .
The cap is “Victim”, the wolf is “Aggressor”, the hunters are “Saviors”.
But the tale ends with the wolf's belly ripped open.
An alcoholic is a victim of Alcohol. His wife is the Savior.
On the other hand, the Alcoholic is an Aggressor for his wife, and she is looking for a savior - a narcologist or psychotherapist.
On the third hand, for an alcoholic his wife is the Aggressor, and his Savior from his wife is alcohol.
The doctor quickly turns from a Savior into a Victim, since he promised to Save both his wife and the alcoholic, and even took money for it, and the alcoholic’s wife becomes his Persecutor.
And the wife is looking for a new Savior.
And by the way, the wife finds a new offender (Aggressor) in the person of the doctor, because he offended and deceived her, and did not fulfill his promises by taking the money.
Therefore, the wife can begin the Persecution of the former Savior (doctor), and now the Aggressor, finding new Saviors in the form of:
1. The media, the judiciary 2. Girlfriends with whom you can wash the bones of the doctor (“Oh, these doctors!”) 3. A new doctor who, together with his wife, condemns the “incompetence” of the previous doctor.
Below are signs by which you can recognize yourself when you find yourself in a triangle.
Feelings experienced by event participants:
Victim:
Feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, coercion and infliction, hopelessness, powerlessness, worthlessness, uselessness, own wrongness, confusion, ambiguity, confusion, frequent wrongness of one’s own weakness and infirmity in a situation of resentment, fear, self-pity
Savior:
A feeling of pity, a desire to help, own superiority over the victim (over the one he wants to help), greater competence, greater strength, intelligence, greater access to resources, “he knows more about how to act” condescension towards the one he wants to help, a feeling of pleasant omnipotence and omnipotence in relation to a specific situation, confidence that he can help, conviction that he knows (or at least can find out) how exactly this can be done, inability to refuse (it is inconvenient to refuse help, or abandon a person without help) compassion, a sharp, aching feeling empathy (note, this is a very important point: the Savior is associated with the Victim! Which means he can never truly help her!) responsibility FOR another
Aggressor
A sense of self-righteousness, noble indignation and righteous anger, a desire to punish the offender, a desire to restore justice, offended pride, the conviction that only he knows how to properly irritate the victim and especially the saviors, whom he perceives as an interfering factor (the saviors are mistaken, because only he knows how you need to do it right now!) the excitement of the hunt, the excitement of the chase
The victim suffers. The Savior saves and comes to the aid and rescue. The aggressor punishes, persecutes, teaches (teaches a lesson).
If you find yourself in this “magic” triangle, then know that you will have to visit all the “corners” of this triangle and try all its Roles.
Events in the triangle can take place as long as desired - regardless of the conscious desires of their participants.
The alcoholic's wife does not want to suffer, the alcoholic does not want to be an alcoholic, and the doctor does not want to deceive the alcoholic's family. But everything is determined by the result.
Until at least someone jumps out of this damned triangle, the game can continue as long as desired.
How to pop out
The most important thing is to understand in what Role you entered the triangle.
Which corner of the triangle was your entrance to it.
Typically, manuals give the following advice: invert the roles. That is, replace the roles with others:
The aggressor must become a Teacher for you. The phrase I tell my students: “Our enemies, and those who “disturb” us,” are our best trainers and teachers)
Savior - Assistant or at most - Guide (you can - a trainer, like in a fitness club: you do it, and the trainer trains)
And the Victim is a Student.
These are very good tips.
If you find yourself playing the role of a Victim, start learning.
If you find yourself playing the role of the Savior, give up the stupid thoughts that the one “who needs help” is weak and weak. By accepting his thoughts like this, you are doing him a disservice. You do something FOR him. You are preventing him from learning something important to him on his own.
You cannot do anything for another person.
Your desire to help is a temptation, the victim is your tempter, and you, in fact, are a tempter and provocateur for the one you are trying to help.
Let the person do it himself. Let him make mistakes, but these will be HIS mistakes. And he will not be able to blame you for this when he tries to move into the role of your Persecutor.
A person must go his own way.
The great psychotherapist Alexander Efimovich Alekseychik says:
“You can only help someone who is doing something.”
And he continued, turning to the one who was helpless at that moment:
“What are you doing so that he (the one who helps) can help you?”
Great words!
In order to get help, you must do something. You can only help with what you do. If you don't do it, you can't be helped.
What you do is where you can get help.
If you are lying down, you can only be helped to lie down. If you are standing, you can only be helped to stand.
It is impossible to help a person who is lying down to stand up.
It is impossible to help a person get up who doesn’t even think about getting up.
It is impossible to help a person who is just thinking about getting up to stand up.
It is impossible to help a person who just wants to get up to stand up.
You can help the person who is getting up to stand up.
You can only help someone who is looking to find it.
You can only help someone who is walking to walk.
What is this girl DOING that you are trying to help her with?
Are you trying to help her with something she doesn't do?
Does she expect you to do something that she herself does not do?
So does she really need what she expects from you if she doesn’t do it herself?
These efforts and specific and unambiguous actions are observable; they have specific and indistinguishable signs. They are easy to recognize and identify precisely because of the signs that a person is trying to get up.
And one more thing, in my opinion, very important.
You can help a person stand up, but if he is not ready to stand (not ready for you to remove the support), he will fall again, and the fall will be many times more painful for him than if he continued to lie down.
What will a person turn white after being in an upright position?
What is the person going to do after this?
What is he going to do about it?
Why does he need to get up?
How to pop out
The most important thing is to understand in what Role you entered the triangle.
Which corner of the triangle was your entrance to it.
This is very important and is not covered in the manuals.
Entry points
Each of us has habitual or favorite Role-entrances to such magic triangles. And often in different contexts each has its own inputs. A person at work may have a favorite entrance to the triangle - the Role of the Aggressor (well, he loves to restore justice or punish fools!), and at home, for example, a typical and favorite entrance is the Role of the Savior.
"Monkey"
And each of us should know the “points of weakness” of our personality, which simply force us to enter into these favorite roles.
It is necessary to study the external lures that lure us there.
For some, it’s someone’s trouble or “helplessness,” or a request for help, or an admiring look/voice:
"Oh, great one!" “Only you can help me!” “I’ll be lost without you!”
You, of course, recognized the Savior in white robes.
For others, it is someone else's mistake, stupidity, injustice, incorrectness or dishonesty. And they bravely rush to restore justice and harmony, falling into a triangle in the role of Aggressor.
For others, it may be a signal from the surrounding reality that it does not need you, or it is dangerous, or it is aggressive, or it is heartless (indifferent to you, your desires or troubles), or it is poor in resources just for you, at this very moment . These are those who like to be Victims.
Each of us has our own decoy, the lure of which is very difficult for us to withstand. We become like zombies, showing heartlessness and stupidity, zeal and recklessness, falling into helplessness and feeling that we are right or worthless.
The beginning of the transition from the role of Savior to the role of Victim - a feeling of guilt, a feeling of helplessness, a feeling of being forced and obligated to help and the impossibility of one’s own refusal (“I am obliged to help!”, “I have no right not to help!”, “What will they think of me, how What will I look like if I refuse to help?”).
The beginning of the transition from the role of Savior to the role of Persecutor is the desire to punish the “bad”, the desire to restore justice that is not directed at you, a feeling of absolute self-righteousness and noble righteous indignation.
The beginning of the transition from the role of Victim to the role of Aggressor (persecutor) is a feeling of resentment and injustice committed against you personally.
The beginning of the transition from the Role of the Victim to the role of the Savior - the desire to help, pity for the former Aggressor or Savior.
The beginning of the transition from the role of Aggressor to the role of Victim is a sudden (or growing) feeling of helplessness and confusion.
The beginning of the transition from the role of Aggressor to the role of Savior is a feeling of guilt, a feeling of responsibility FOR another person.
In fact:
It is VERY pleasant for the Savior to help and save; it is pleasant to stand out “in white robes” among other people, especially in front of the victim. Narcissism, narcissism.
It is very pleasant for the victim to suffer (“like in the movies”) and to be saved (to accept help), to feel sorry for himself, earning future non-specific “happiness” through suffering. Masochism.
It is very pleasant for an aggressor to be a warrior, to punish and restore justice, to be the bearer of standards and rules that he imposes on others, it is very pleasant to be in shining armor with a fiery sword, it is pleasant to feel one’s strength, invincibility and rightness. By and large, someone else’s mistake and wrongness for him is a legitimate (legal and “safe”) reason (permission, right) to commit violence and cause pain to another with impunity. Sadism.
The Savior knows how you can...
The aggressor knows that this cannot be done...
The victim wants, but cannot, but more often than not he doesn’t want anything, because he’s had enough of everything...
And another interesting diagnostic method. Diagnostics based on the feelings of observers/listeners
The observers' feelings may suggest what role the person telling you or sharing the problem is playing.
When you read (listen) to the Savior (or watch him), your heart fills with pride for him. Or - with laughter, what a fool he has made of himself with his desire to help others.
When you read texts written by the Aggressor, you are overcome with noble indignation, either towards those about whom the Aggressor writes, or towards the Aggressor himself.
And when you read texts written by the Victim or listen to the Victim, you are overcome by acute mental pain FOR THE VICTIM, acute pity, desire to help, powerful compassion.
And don't forget
that there are no Saviors, no Victims, no Aggressors. There are living people who can play different roles. And each person falls into the trap of different roles, and happens to be at all the vertices of this enchanted triangle, but still, each person has some inclinations towards one or another vertex, a tendency to linger on one or another vertex.
And it is important to remember that the entry point into the triangle (that is, what drew a person into a pathological relationship) is most often the point at which a person lingers, and for the sake of which he “flew” into this triangle. But this is not always the case.
In addition, it is worth remembering that a person does not always occupy exactly the “top” that he complains about.
The “Victim” can be the Aggressor (Hunter). The “Savior” may actually play, tragically and to the death, the role of Victim or Aggressor.
In these pathological relationships, as in Carroll’s famous “Alice...”, everything is so confused, upside down and deceitful that IN EVERY CASE, fairly careful observation of all participants in this “triangular round dance” is required, including yourself too - even if you don't participate in this triangle.
The power of the magic of this triangle is such that any observer or listener begins to be drawn into this Bermuda triangle of pathological relationships and roles.
Definition of Karpman triangle
Karpman's psychodramatic triangle in psychology is a social and psychological model of communication in society, the reflection of which is identified with transactional analysis.
Role Map
In 1986, Stephen Karpman proposed that relationships between people are structured by three personalities, each of which plays a special role:
- Victim. A weak personality who prefers to blame others for all his misfortunes. At the same time, the Victim refuses to make attempts to change the situation.
- Rescuer. A person who at any moment is able to go to the aid of the Victim: will always protect, comfort and listen.
- Pursuer. A strong man who is prone to tyranny. Prefers to terrorize the Victim.
As can be seen from the distribution of roles, Cartman's triangle reveals the ego state of each person. At the same time, the participants in the game can constantly change places, demonstrating new facets of their own personality.
The roles in the Karpman triangle simplistically reflect real life and “unhealthy” relationships between people.
Additional Information. Every person at one time or another in life can see himself as a grateful Victim, a generous Rescuer, or a cruel and wicked Persecutor.
The essence of the triangle of fate
When trying on one of these roles, the process of ignoring reality is activated. A person begins to believe in what he is “playing.” During crisis situations, a person can retrain for another role: the Victim can become a rescuer, and the persecutor can become a defenseless Victim.
Important! A large number of people can participate in the game. But there will always be 3 roles in this “play”
Example - a wife, husband and mistress can be the “vertices” of the triangle of fate.
This means that unhealthy gambling can last forever, and codependent relationships can ruin lives over a long period of time.
Aggressor
The aggressor is called the “pursuer”; he is the attacker . Reads morals, shames, exhorts, can threaten or intimidate.
He is convinced that people deserve such treatment, and he thinks that through his actions he is helping to overcome the situation. Often behind the mask of a persecutor lies internal failure and anger at oneself, which the participant projects onto others.
Karpman triangle diagram
Relationship scenarios: family of an alcoholic
And now about the mechanism in action. There are 3 roles in the Karpman triangle - Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer. I will explain this model using the example of a relationship with a person suffering from alcoholism.
As a rule, at first he does not drink too much, and his wife does not think this is critical. Over time, as the relationship becomes more insipid, the chemistry of falling in love goes away, the man again plunges into his fear of not being whole, and needs to reproduce the scenario of the relationship with an anxious mother in order to feel whole again.
He begins to drink more intensely. A woman, as a rule, who also had a similar family history, responds with control, worry about her husband, and an increased need to worry about him. All this helps her feel whole, to reproduce the model of love that she had in her relationship with her anxious mother.
Practice shows that it is useless to argue about “who started first” here - both partners had an initial tendency towards codependent relationships, otherwise they would not have attracted each other on a subconscious level by the similarity of their internal traumas. Such relationship scenarios generally arise only when both mutually provoke each other.
But let's return to the Karpman triangle. A man who begins to drink more and more intensively takes the position of a Victim (of fate, social injustice, loans, mortgages, hard work, etc.). The woman, who at first pities and understands him, becomes a Savior - she tries to ease his hardships, create comfort, and support him in his experiences.
After a while, it turns out that all the measures to save her do not help, and her husband begins to drink completely disgracefully. This begins to threaten the well-being of the family and children, create a lot of serious difficulties and deprive the woman herself of attention and care.
And then the woman turns into a Persecutor. Her patience has run out; instead of exhortations and sympathy, indignation, scandals, and insults are used. A man remains a Victim for some time, only from a grateful victim, as he was at an early stage, he becomes an angry victim.
As a result, a man cannot withstand pressure and scandals, lack of sympathy and understanding, and at some point goes into the stage of uncontrollable drunkenness (it doesn’t matter whether it’s one episode or a binge for several days/weeks). So he becomes the Persecutor, and the wife automatically falls into the position of the Victim
For some time, he “dictates terms” to the whole family with his aggressive behavior, they are afraid of him, but, having splashed out the accumulated aggression, he, consciously or not, feels that he cannot achieve support and care this way. And in order to restore peace and the previous state of affairs, he begins to feel sorry for the woman.
So he becomes a Rescuer. And the woman turns from an angry Victim into a grateful Victim
For some time, an illusion of understanding and peace arises in the family; against this background, the man often promises not to drink, tries to appreciate the woman’s efforts, and recognizes her importance in his life. A woman has hope
She again begins to give him support, save, understand and sympathize, and the situation again enters a new circle: she becomes the Rescuer, and he becomes the Victim. The Karpman triangle begins another cycle.
Unspoken rules of the game
By living in any of these roles, we believe in its authenticity and ignore reality without noticing it. In this case, one person plays all three roles in the Karpman triangle in turn (of course, there is a favorite one), moving from one to another. Often throughout the day, and sometimes even an hour or a minute (observe yourself). Therefore, such a “game” does not get boring for a long time, brings a lot of vivid, albeit not the most pleasant, emotions, and often takes on a chronic nature. People who are characterized by Karpman's dynamics quickly fall for the bait of the same gamers and attract more and more participants into this vicious circle. We get so used to it that at some point we accept the games themselves as the only way to exist in this world. But this is far from true.
Tyrant
He communicates from the position of “I’m okay - you’re not okay.” It belittles and humiliates people and makes them feel guilty and ashamed. The tyrant views life as an enemy and a source of problems. He is tense, irritated, angry and afraid. A tyrant ignores the worth and dignity of others. By suppressing the victim, he asserts himself and receives moral satisfaction. At the same time, he is sure that the Victim himself is to blame, since he provokes him to “bad” behavior. He is unpredictable, not responsible for his own life and needs the sacrificial behavior of another person to survive. Only the departure of the Victim or a sustainable change in her behavior can lead to a change in the Tyrant. The tyrant cannot forget past problems and constantly prophesies new troubles in the future. He controls and criticizes his neighbors, feels an unbearable burden of responsibility and is very tired of it.
Rescuer
He contacts from the same position “I’m okay - you’re not okay,” but does not humiliate, but simply devalues the Victim. He uses his more stable position to offer his help to others and resolve all issues for them. The Rescuer is codependent on the Victim; he receives his benefit in the form of gratitude and a feeling of his own omnipotence from being in the position “on top”. He likes to give unsolicited advice and gets angry if they are not followed, because he believes that he knows better than others how to arrange their life. In fact, he does not save anyone, because the purpose of his actions and advice is self-affirmation, and not help itself. In reality, it is not profitable for him to remove the Victim from a “distressed” situation, since in this case he risks losing the way of his self-realization. Rescue creates meaning in life for a codependent person, structures and supports his identity, and “plugs the hole” in his “I.”
Victim
She herself feels her humiliated position and communicates from the position of “I’m not okay - you’re okay.” The victim devalues his abilities, he lacks self-confidence. She is dissatisfied with life, complains about injustice, but believes that she is unable to change anything, because “nothing depends on her.” She is inert, afraid of life and expects only bad things from it. Often the Victim herself subconsciously looks for a Tyrant in order to confirm her scripted belief: “There’s nothing wrong with me. Others cannot love me." She resolves most of the issues through the Rescuer, who only deprives her of the opportunity to develop her own skills and confirms her script belief: “I cannot solve problems on my own.”
Partners switch between the roles of the triangle and either control or save each other. Being in one of the roles, people react based on the past, and not from the reality “here and now”. In this case, old scenario strategies are used.
Victim behavior in relationships
The victim does not necessarily suffer for real. The main thing for her is to feel unhappy. This position is comfortable for her
Receiving confirmation of his status, the victim enjoys the attention, pity, and sympathy of others. With her behavior she provokes the aggressor, causing anger, threats, neglect
The behavior of the aggressor makes her feel shame, resentment, jealousy, envy.
A cocktail of sensations makes you feel alive. Without nourishment from the aggressor, she feels exhausted, unnecessary, and afraid of life. The victim can be a woman, a man, a child. Signs of victim behavior:
- passivity, immaturity, desire to shift responsibility to a partner;
- deliberate provocations, complaints, constant emphasizing one’s unenviable position;
- negative reaction to attempts to help, enjoyment of sympathy.
The victim is filled with self-pity and sincerely considers himself unhappy. But as soon as the opportunity to leave the relationship arises, she ignores it. Help in the form of sympathy is readily accepted, but more decisive actions of the savior are perceived as an encroachment on their relationship and actively resist
How to get out of the Karpman Triangle
Any person is susceptible to negative life situations and can even often create them himself.
Leaving the Karpman Triangle is sometimes not as easy as it might seem at first glance.
The more we are influenced by society, the more we find ourselves in its intrigues and intricacies. If you begin to experience psychological discomfort, then you should immediately leave the Karpman Triangle.
Initially, you need to objectively consider the current situation and assume that it may represent a Karpman Triangle. Next, you should carefully analyze everything and determine who you are - Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer.
During self-analysis, an individual can come to very unpleasant conclusions. However, to find a way out of the situation, you need to objectively consider your situation.
Tips for the Victim
As mentioned earlier, in the Karpman Triangle the Victim is considered the most complex figure. How then to get out of the role of the Victim? Let's look at some recommendations that will help you deal with the problem:
- you need to do everything in your power to improve your own life;
- you should stop blaming others for your failures;
- realize that you will have to pay for any service provided to you one way or another;
- stop constantly making excuses, because you have the right to do as you see fit;
- If a Rescuer appears in your life, try to get the maximum benefit from communicating with him. Do not try to be the initiator of his clashes with the Persecutor.
Tips for the Rescuer
To get out of the Karpman Triangle, the following tips will help the Rescuer:
- do not interfere in other people's relationships until you are asked for help;
- do not consider others stupider than yourself;
- Before you promise anything, you should think about whether you will be able to keep your promises;
- if you are going to help someone, you should not expect gratitude from anyone;
- if you decide to provide help for personal gain, you should not hide it;
- try to find a path for self-realization that does not imply interference in other people’s problems;
- if you sincerely want to help others, then do it when it is really necessary.
Tips for the Stalker
If the Persecutor wants to leave the Karpman Triangle, he should conduct an objective self-analysis and listen to the following recommendations:
- Before showing hostility towards someone, you need to be sure that it is not unfounded, but is only the result of something wrong;
- you should accept the fact that you, like all people, make mistakes;
- initially look for the root of your problems in your actions, and not in the people around you;
- realize that if you do not listen to the opinions of others, they, in turn, will also not take into account your opinion;
- find other opportunities for self-realization;
- strive to achieve your goal by motivating people, not by putting pressure on them.
What happens if you leave the game
Changing the behavior of one of the participants in the Karpman triangle cannot immediately change all the other “heroes”. Most often, someone simply leaves the relationship, and those who remain eventually find a third person (this could be a friend, relative, colleague, social worker, guardianship authorities, etc.).
At the same time, a change in one part of the triangle, as a rule, causes dynamics in the others. The decision to stop playing the triangle, implemented by one of its “angles,” can motivate other participants to reflect and similar internal transformations.
Here you can see a psychologist.
Photo: Shutterstock.com
Exiting the triangle: what participants should do
It is possible to get out of the Karpman triangle. But to do this, you need to independently come to the decision to change, sincerely want it and work hard.
Escaping the victim role includes:
- Awareness of your responsibility. The victim is afraid of life's challenges. The need to make decisions on her own leaves her in a stupor. Understanding yourself as an adult who will have to be responsible for your words and actions is the first step towards independence.
- Quitting addiction. You cannot expect that the people around you will always take into account your wishes and fulfill your promises. Circumstances may change, you need to learn to get out of the situation without counting on a patron.
- Stopping complaints. It's easy to regret missed opportunities. But by constantly looking back, a person is deprived of the opportunity to develop.
Exit from the role of aggressor-controller:
Accepting the independence of other people. The controller strives to enslave the will of other people because he does not believe in their independence and ability to cope with life
It is important for an aggressor to learn to perceive others as free, strong individuals. Finding a compromise. The desire to always get your way prevents your partner from opening up
The aggressor does not know how to give, to be emotionally open, and does not receive emotional affection. To get it, you need to learn to give in. Alternative means of self-affirmation. It is not difficult to be better against the background of a weaker one. But the higher the controller rises, the more dependent and weaker its partner becomes. It is impossible to build a normal relationship with such a partner, therefore submission cannot be demanded from the victim partner. On the contrary, his independence should be encouraged.
Exit from the role of savior:
Control your desire to interfere in someone else's life. Often the need to solve other people's problems appears against the backdrop of a lack of personal life. Therefore, you should spend more time on yourself without wasting energy on others. Do not help unless there is a direct request for help. There is nothing wrong with trying to help, but only if you need help. Before taking responsibility for another's relationship, the rescuer must be convinced that his intervention is necessary. Work on self-esteem
The feeling of self-importance due to the perception of other people as stupid and unable to cope with themselves increases the self-esteem of the savior. But self-perception should not be based on other people's problems.
Having realized himself as part of a triangle, a person must understand whether he is really ready to develop, to reach a new level of relationships. The Karpman triangle can be turned into a healthier format, but this requires the participation and effort of all participants in the codependent union.
The role of the rescuer
Understanding the role of the rescuer character, the motives for his actions and their results is the key to realizing and tracking this role in one’s own existence. This is a chance to make a meaningful choice: to continue to manipulate individuals or to learn to treat the environment and oneself in a healthy way.
Playing rescuer should not be equated with true help in emergency situations, for example, saving people in a fire. In the efforts of a rescuer there are always secret motives, understatement and dishonesty. In reality, codependent relationships like the triangle of fate slow down development, bring suffering to people and confusion into existence.
The rescuer loses the chosen role because of the need to save, so as not to think about his own hidden feelings, anxiety, because the object of attack needs participation.
We can identify 7 characteristics inherent in people who prefer to occupy the described position in relationships.
First of all, such subjects have problems in personal relationships, which is expressed by the absence of a family, or in the family each spouse lives a separate life.
Rescuers are often very successful in social life. Their superiors value them for their conscientious work, they do not violate legal norms, and if they do, it is unproven.
The main task of this category of persons is to provide the victim with a chance to “sip a little air” so that the object of persecution does not “suffocate”, and then tighten the “noose” more tightly. This process can last indefinitely until one of the players decides to change their role. The main goal of the rescuer is to exclude the possibility of the victim becoming a victim on his own.
People who adhere to this role always slightly despise the object of attack, as a result of which their help is condescending in nature.
The rescuer often harbors rather “large-scale” rescue plans. This category of people is characterized by ambition. They strive to control as many individuals as possible. The more insecure and helpless people are, the better the rescuer, since his power becomes more comprehensive.
Individuals in this role try to hide their own aggression, and therefore completely deny its presence. A person is a living being who is often overwhelmed by various emotions, as a result of which he is characterized by aggressive messages. The rescuer seems to be demonstrating his love for all living creatures.
When the victim finally decides to refuse intrusive help, the rescuer resorts to manipulation, threatening that the object of persecution will remain alone in this huge world full of horrors and hardships. After which he steps aside and takes an observant position, waiting for the victim to stumble, lower his already low self-esteem, and repent. He is waiting for such a moment to appear triumphantly. However, such an appearance may be late, since the victim could have acquired a new “yoke” in the form of a subject trying with all his might to impose his own help.
How to form a power triangle?
Sometimes in the drama triangle there is a transformation of roles. These relationships are considered healthier because the participants work on their shortcomings.
The victim is transformed into the Creator. She no longer complains about the injustice of life, but learns to accept failures and deal with challenges. Apathy and passivity are replaced by healthy excitement
It is important to understand that it is not those around you who want to offend you, but you who decide to be offended. Ask yourself often: “What have I done to solve this problem?”
The Pursuer Becomes the Observer
He tries not to criticize or control the actions of the Hero, and allows him to live his life. Former Persecutors make great leaders.
The Rescuer turns into a Sage. He no longer solves all problems for the Creator, but only guides and pushes in the right direction. If the Rescuer simply puts food in the mouth of the person asking, then the Sage teaches how to get it. With your help, a helpless parasitic person will be able to gain independence.
The key to transformation is awareness. After all, in different areas of life a person can play different roles.
A woman can be at the same time a strict mother-Persecutor, an unprotected Victim at work who is constantly terrorized by a picky boss and a Rescuer for her sister or friend.
Learn to notice these roles behind you. These are your “entry points” into the triangle. They must be avoided.
You can get out of the drama triangle alone, but forming a Power triangle is a team effort. All participants must be interested in it.
Team Growth Phase, Growth Phase
Examples of Karpman triangle
So, what is the Karpman triangle in psychology? This is a relationship in which each person plays his own role. Let's give 2 examples.
Imagine a middle-aged man. He doesn't have a stable job. He is in constant search, rejecting vacancy after vacancy. Spends most of his time on the couch or at the computer. A man constantly complains about how unfair life is to him. He doesn’t get anything “on a silver platter.” This is a typical Victim.
The wife in this situation plays the role of the Persecutor. She does not stand on ceremony with her husband, expressing dissatisfaction with parasitism. She tries every day to get him to do something, but to no avail.
Who do you think could be the Rescuer in this family? My husband's mother. Of course, she worries about her son. And he even gives him almost his entire pension. A child should not need anything
And it doesn’t matter that the child already has a family
Such relationships can continue for many years. Wife and mother will eventually change roles. Perhaps the mother-in-law will understand that the daughter-in-law was right after all. Her son is just a lazy person who is more comfortable sitting at home and doing nothing.
At some point, the wife will also change her role and become a Rescuer. She may become angry with her mother-in-law, who constantly interferes with the family and gives unnecessary advice. And so on in a circle.
Now imagine another example of a codependent relationship. Let this time Karpman's dramatic triangle concern relations in the work team. Let's say the boss instructed an employee to compile and print 10 important documents. One of them made a mistake; by the required time there were only 8 documents.
Let's distribute the roles. The leader in this case is the Persecutor. He scolds a subordinate for an uncompleted task. The last one here will be the Victim. He obediently listens to reproaches and cannot fight back. He is even ready to be punished.
And then the Rescuer suddenly appears. This is a kind colleague who is ready to correct an annoying misunderstanding and offer help. This is all the victim needs. She is happy to pass the buck.
At some point, the Victim finds a letter from the boss. It says that there should be 8 documents. So, there is no error? Now the roles are changing. The victim becomes a Persecutor for the leader. And he takes on her role. Realizing his mistake, he is ready to make any concessions.
Life story: triangle in the family
Elena Mitskevich – psychologist.
The Karpman Triangle played out in my family. Due to certain circumstances, I had to remember the basic theory. What kind of triangle is this? This is stereotypical behavior, where the parties take one of three roles and express themselves in a certain way. After literally a couple of minutes, and sometimes even seconds, roles can change. But in any case, we are talking about manipulation - this is what these games are built on.
Yes, I myself was in the Karpman Triangle. I'm not ashamed to admit it. Moreover, I am proud of myself! Because I was able to get out of it. And this was difficult (so that you understand in my family, and here we are talking not only about the parents, the sacrificial-tyrant-savior model has been the norm for several generations; and for some relatives, it continues to be so).
In the parental home, the roles were distributed as follows: dad was the Tyrant, mom was the Victim, and I was the Rescuer. I know very well how the Triangle works from the inside. I am well aware of the feelings and motives of the Rescuer.
It seems that only you can calm down the tyrant’s aggression. And the phrase from my mother: “Lena, dad understands and hears you better than me” for a long time automatically triggered this role in me. Well, how can I not help if parental well-being depends on me? Who else will support and help mom? They can't do it without me! They will argue as usual. And I’m like a buffer, but I can help.
I'm a good girl. Mom and I are close. I adore dad. Well, how can I not help them? The feeling of pity and guilt, suffering from the general regime and the belief that I could fix it overwhelmed me.
Yes, this is a common story when adults cannot build mature contact with each other, involving a child in their relationship. Need I say that I was unable to save anyone or anything? This was basically outside my jurisdiction. But hyper-responsibility plus the role of an older sister prevented me from leaving the position of a superhero for a long time.
True, the superhero himself felt bad inside. Unconscious sensations that:
- This not normal,
- I do not like it,
- I don’t want to participate in this
didn't leave me.
At some point I got tired and realized: I can’t do this anymore. If they like to live like that, ok. But I won't get involved in this anymore. The exit was long. And started the stage of emotional separation from parents. And it lasted almost 3 years
And praise be to psychotherapy, that now I personally feel the meaning of the phrase: help is finite, but salvation is endless. And I choose not to save anyone anymore.
General characteristics of roles in the triangle
There is always a close invisible connection between those who are part of the “Victim-Rescuer-Persecutor” triangle. Throughout the interaction, each participant receives some benefit.
The Role of the Victim
The sacrificial personality is always in search of pity, understanding and sympathy. Often she deliberately provokes the Persecutor to show aggression towards her.
Additional Information. The victim does not seek to manage his own life; he tries to place responsibility for what is happening on the shoulders of others.
Victim
The sacrificial participant in the relationship positions himself as a helpless person who cannot overcome even minor difficulties.
This role is characterized by the following feelings and emotions:
- panic fear for the future;
- a great insult to the whole world;
- envy of others;
- shame for one's own actions;
- constant feeling of guilt;
- doubts about the correctness of one's own actions.
An excess of negative emotions affects the physical and emotional states of the sacrificial person.
Important! Due to constant depression and stress, there is a high probability of developing somatic diseases. For the Victim, such a role is beneficial, because she receives:
For the Victim, such a role is beneficial, because she receives:
increased attention to your person; empathy from others, which allows you to increase self-esteem; Thanks to pity, the Victim easily shifts the blame onto others.
This role in Hartman’s triangle is characterized in psychology as lacking initiative and inertia. In public, the Victim tries to demonstrate his mask: cheerfulness and an active life position.
Role of the Persecutor
This role is characterized by the desire to always be first. The pursuer is ready to use all his skills as a tyrant and aggressor in order to achieve a leading position.
Aggressor
The persecutor always manipulates, criticizes and humiliates those who are weaker. From this the aggressor receives maximum satisfaction. The Tyrant believes that the Victim will not be able to achieve any positive results without him, so he constantly condemns mistakes and points out mistakes.
Among the main qualities of the Persecutor are:
- anger;
- irritability;
- anger.
Aggressors, like Victims, benefit from their behavior:
- are always in the center of everyone's attention;
- do whatever they want;
- increase self-esteem at the expense of a weak person;
- keep Victims close to them on whom they can throw out negative emotions.
Often, Persecutors remain lonely people, since no one wants to connect their life with a despotic person.
Role of the Rescuer
In the psychological triangle, the role of the Rescuer is occupied by a strong personality. Such a person can be aggressive. Despite this, the Rescuer skillfully suppresses the desire to throw out negativity on others.
Rescuer
Thanks to saving the offended and oppressed, the Rescuer feels like a significant and necessary person. Therefore, helping the Victim brings him a lot of pleasant emotions. The rescuer is a sensitive person who takes pity on everyone in the triangle of fate. Even the Persecutor evokes a feeling of compassion in him, because the Rescuer sees the motives of his actions. Seeing how the Persecutor mocks the Victim, anger and a desire for revenge boil up in him.
Additional Information. Psychologists believe that the desire to fight for justice is caused by the need to dominate other people.
Thanks to good deeds, the Rescuer receives the following benefits:
honor, attention, respect and gratitude; takes a leading position in the matter; becomes popular among Victims; asserts itself through its own victories over the Persecutors.
In general, the role of the Rescuer can be considered positive. Such a person often forgets about himself, putting other people at the forefront. Because of this, it may seem that the Rescuer is not living his own life, but someone else’s.
Simple examples
Codependent people can live through the same scenario many times over the years of their lives. Let's look at examples.
1. An abstract man-parasite lives for himself. He is always in a free search, does not like to tear his butt off the sofa and overload his loved one with physical labor. He is a classic Victim.
He was not born into a rich family, all positions are based on connections and in general life is unfair to him.
He has a wife - the Persecutor, who nags him every day so that he begins to show at least some masculine qualities.
And there is also a mother who gives him her pension so that her son does not need anything. She is in the role of the Savior.
And this triangle of drama can last for decades. It’s just that from time to time the mother and wife will change roles
When the mother-in-law gets tired of her daughter-in-law's reproaches (and fair ones at that), she also becomes a Persecutor.
The wife can easily get used to the role of the Rescuer, because whatever one may say, this is their family, and here is the mother with her lectures and principles.
2. Parents have different views on raising a child. A strict mother tries not to spoil her child, raises her according to strict rules and does not leave misdeeds unpunished. She is the Persecutor.
Dad, on the contrary, feels sorry for his baby. He pampers him with sweets, allows him to play video games until midnight, and easily forgives his misdeeds.
In this case, the child is destined for the role of the Victim. Due to his age and changeable upbringing, he does not want to take responsibility, so he will pit his parents against each other.
In the end, he will win, and mom and dad will quarrel because they cannot come to a compromise.
Such a child will grow up lazy, helpless and with numerous complexes
The situation can change dramatically if an outsider is added to the triangle. For example, grandmother. She is always happy to spoil her grandson, he is a new Rescuer.
Then mom and dad unite, they will become Persecutors, because grandma is destroying their education system (albeit imperfect).
3. Another scenario: Masha quarreled with a guy. She came to her friend Nastya for advice. It’s clear that Masha is the Victim, the man is the Persecutor.
After the bottle of wine, Nastya gives advice: “Let’s send him away. We’ll find you a dozen others tomorrow.”
Masha does so, and then suffers from loneliness, blaming the Rescuer Nastya for all her troubles. And then Nastya becomes a Victim, because Masha the Persecutor will try to quarrel with everyone she knows.
4. And let's look at another version of the triangle. Just not in his personal life, but at work: his main sides are his subordinate, boss and colleague.
Let's assume that a subordinate has been assigned a super-important task: to fill out 10 contracts. Either the boss mixed up something, or the subordinate messed up, but there are only 8 ready documents
The boss immediately takes the aggressive position of the Persecutor: “Don’t you know how to count? Yes, the investors will arrive in an hour. I'll fire you"
The subordinate-Victim does not know how to stand up for himself. It is easier for him to accept punishment (sometimes even undeserved), but to relieve himself of responsibility.
And then a kind-hearted fellow Rescuer comes into play and says: “Don’t worry, I’ll help you. Let me fill one out.” Well, the Victim is happy to put some of the responsibilities on someone else’s shoulders.
Roles may change. Let’s say that suddenly the Victim remembers that the post office has preserved a letter from the boss in which he asked to fill out exactly 8 ill-fated documents!
Now she moves into the position of the Persecutor: how is it that she was unfairly offended? Well, the boss, unwittingly finding himself in the role of the Victim, will simply be forced to make concessions (give a bonus, raise the salary, and so on).
Analyze these situations. Maybe there are Rescuers in your circle, after whose help no stone remains unturned from your previous life?
Or maybe you have been playing the role of Victim or Persecutor for more than one year, but you yourself don’t notice it?
What is Karpman's triangle
The Karpman Triangle is a role model that best describes the essence of codependent relationships.
According to Karpman, a proponent of transactional analysis, all interactions between people, in fact, can be described in one way or another through the roles that they take on in the interaction. The alternation of roles in itself is natural to one degree or another; rarely can anyone do without them.
But in the case of a triangle, a pathological model of relationships is described, within which the productive development of a couple is impossible. In the Karpman triangle, the movement of participants through roles occurs as if in a vicious circle, so a codependent couple can repeat the same scenario many times over the years of their life together, but not reach any new level.
Victim
The victim is passive . Circumstances are against her, she suffers. He immediately rejects all options for help as impossible. Being in a deplorable state, he suffers from various vices: alcoholism, gluttony, drug addiction and other addictions.
The victim is looking for a savior to complain about a hard life and at the same time attracts the aggressor to blame him. Subconsciously she is happy about this situation. The situation relieves her of responsibility for her life. Sometimes this leads to personality degradation.
Karpman's triangle and codependent relationships
