Personal space of a woman and a man - should it be in a relationship?

At the very beginning of a romantic relationship, lovers, as a rule, want to spend absolutely all their time next to each other. Having set up their “family nest”, partners get the opportunity not to be separated literally for a minute. At first, this brings them great pleasure, but a little later this fervor subsides a little, and people have a desire to somewhat diversify their leisure time. They increasingly want to meet with friends, engage in their favorite hobbies, and spend a little time outside the home. It must be said that this desire is absolutely normal, because a relationship is a union of two completely different, free people, each of whom has the right to their own personal space. It's good if both partners understand this. Otherwise, any shopping trip with a friend or a fishing trip has every chance of developing into a scandal every time. And it’s not far from separation. Therefore, it seems extremely important here to dot the i’s by understanding why it is so important for each family member to maintain their own personal space.

What is personal space in simple words

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If you look at the life of each individual individually, you can imagine a diagram in which the starting point is that a person is in a small circle - this is a close family, the second circle is a little wider - the clan, the third - collectives, the fifth circle denotes society .

So, the distance between the point and the circles can be conditionally called the desired personal space. In other words, at what distance a person would like to communicate with this or that circle of people. In psychology, personal space refers to the distance at which a person holds someone with whom he enters into a relationship.

This spatial zone can change depending on the personal perception of this person and sympathy for him. If there is no internal desire to get closer, then the distance will be maximum.

When communicating with another person, people keep a distance that is comfortable and safe for them. The key point in this situation is the safe distance. Thanks to the established distance, a person can regulate his own impulses and control the impulses of his interlocutor. Both social and physical intimacy should be under the control of the person himself; only he himself can decide how close this or that person can be allowed to approach him.

Relationships and personal space

Personal space is necessary for both men and women, and even children. As soon as a person begins to identify himself as a separate unit from society, he begins to select and establish for himself the most acceptable and comfortable distance between other people.

Personal space functions

A person’s personal space performs the following functions:

The ability to control intraspecific aggression.
Maintaining internal and external freedom by building personal space between yourself and your interlocutor.
Maintaining privacy. For a modern person, this function plays an important role; only in the process of communication does a person decide how close he can allow a person to be.

When it comes to personal space in a couple, it is worth proceeding from what their relationship is actually based on. Intimate intimacy erases the distance and it may seem that the partner no longer needs personal space, but this is a very big misconception.

Respect for a person’s personal privacy is necessary even within the family. This is akin to communication etiquette, when you respect your partner’s desire to be alone, do his favorite thing, or sit at a table at a certain distance.

To ensure that conflicts on this issue do not flare up and result in serious misunderstandings, you should be attentive to your partner, and even better, discuss this in a pleasant and trusting atmosphere.

Recognize your partner's needs

It's important to remember that you and your partner are two different people, so you don't always think alike. Therefore, your partner's needs and desires may be different from yours. For example, he might say that he wants to spend more time with his friends. This doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It just means he has different needs. You need to find a compromise that will suit both partners, so that both have time for themselves and for each other.

How to maintain your personal space in a relationship

Every person knows exactly what personal space he needs. If you are interested, then observe strangers, yourself, what distance you stand with strangers, what distance you keep with your friends and family.

The concept of personal space includes laws on maintaining intrapersonal boundaries. Violation of these boundaries causes stress and discomfort, which leads to conflicts and discord between people.

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Personal space is extremely important and it is necessary to discuss the rules of communication with a loved one in advance. The conversation can cover the following topics:

Each partner in the family should have their own territory.

Watch and you will see that a woman does not tolerate other “helpers” in her kitchen, and this is not only because she knows how to cook better, it’s just that this is her territory, where she is the mistress. Subconsciously, this is exactly how she accepts it, although she works on it for the whole family. Men create a “dome of silence” for themselves in their offices and garages. The desire to have one’s own territory and control it has been inherent in humans since ancient times.

Your personal interests and hobbies also require privacy and it is quite normal to ask not to be disturbed during your activities.
It is a big mistake to think that partners should, like Siamese twins, not leave each other.

Oversaturation with each other's presence can cause a loss of interest over time; to prevent this from happening, never lose your hobbies and chances for personal development.

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Everything that was interesting before the relationship is worth preserving; do not deny yourself this, do not sacrifice personal interests for the sake of the relationship. With a competent and honest attitude towards each other, you can preserve your hobbies and your personal boundaries, as the right to maintain intrapersonal comfort.

When a partner rudely demands that you give up your favorite activities for his sake, this can be seen as a restriction of your freedom. It is here that personal space and boundaries are grossly violated, sometimes the message of restrictions looks quite harmless, just phrases, questions, but they force you to make a decision not of your own free will.

So, for example, husbands or wives decide what to wear for a partner when meeting with friends or girlfriends, what movie and what time to watch, what to eat and even what sport to play. All this is a gross violation of personal space and boundaries.

Boundaries are a line that no one should cross, even a loved one should not violate them. Psychologists recommend instilling in children from an early age respect for the personal space of other people and defending their own boundaries.

The main postulate in a relationship is respect for each other, acceptance of personal hobbies and characteristics of your partner. It’s a bad sign if you notice in yourself that you get irritated when your partner takes time for himself, you’re angry that he can have fun without you and even communicate with his friends. All this causes resentment, anger and claims towards the partner.

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This behavior is driven by the desire to build dependent relationships, but, as practice shows, this is a utopia. Try to understand that every person is free and you, first of all, in order not to be alone and not to stress yourself out that your loved one is in a gym class, you can sign up for foreign language courses, go to personal growth trainings.

A lot of activities can fill the vacuum that causes addiction. Ideally, with such problems, it is best to contact a psychologist or psychotherapist who will help you find the root cause that forces you to build dependent relationships and help you change your attitudes towards interpersonal relationships.

Stage 1. A fairy tale in reality

At the beginning of a relationship, both partners devote all their time to each other. They tend to go for walks more often, play sports together, visit friends and parties. Is it love or addiction - a rhetorical question. One thing is clear - without the opportunity to hug or even touch a loved one, a feeling of discomfort arises; you want to immediately find out where he is and what he is doing. During the first weeks or months, such relationships are like a fairy tale, because mutual understanding reigns between the partners, they know everything about each other, the interests, habits and preferences of the other half. Communication brings only pleasant emotions, but living separately plunges you into depression.

Don't disrupt your spatial behavior

Not many people know why it is so important not to violate their spatial behavior, but this is the basis and a reliable layer for building harmonious relationships with the outside world.

Being in a space where there is no possibility of privacy, restoring your own resources and feeling that it is your piece of territory deals a strong blow to a person’s psycho-emotional state.

For living together and the harmonious development of relationships, it is important to respect and preserve the personal space of the partner. Otherwise, stress and discontent will increase, and the internal desire to escape and get away from discomfort will grow and find a way out. There are three rules that your partner should know:

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You have the right to continue to pursue your favorite hobbies in your relationship. This is your personal desire and your partner must respect it.
You have the right to be alone with yourself in your conditional territory, and this does not mean that you do not love or are tired of your partner, you just need it and your psyche.
You have the right to declare that your space is being violated. Of course, it’s worth talking about this competently and without aggression.

In the same way, you should respect and understand your partner’s personal boundaries and space.

Talk to your partner

If you feel there is a problem in your relationship, the first step is to clearly define it. To do this, you need to set aside a time convenient for you and your partner and have a serious conversation about everything that worries you. You should never start a conversation when you are angry or do not have enough time to talk.

When speaking, make sure you express your thoughts calmly, respectfully, and sincerely. Then listen to your partner. After this, you can begin to express your options for solving the current problem. Once you find a solution, start working together to improve your relationship.

How to learn to say: “NO”?

Perhaps the main rule in building personal boundaries is the ability to firmly and decisively say “no” without regretting what was said.

But, alas, not many can do this. How to learn to say “NO” while maintaining a relationship? We offer you five simple steps in the technique of correct refusal:

Show your feelings . If a person asks you for something, you can show your dissatisfaction with this request, thereby preparing the ground for a soft refusal.
Say: "No." Explain why you refuse, but only in multiples, based on your feelings. There is no need to make anything up, otherwise it will look like an excuse.
Don't leave a person in a hopeless situation . Offer a solution to the problem.
Perhaps the person will not stop there and will try to persuade you. Calmly and silently listen to everything he says .
If your decision has not changed, then repeat everything you said before, taking into account the person’s words.

Remember that if there is a note of uncertainty in your voice, your partner will win and you will agree to do something that you did not want to do in the first place. Therefore, your words must be clear and confident.

A popular video on the RuNet about how to learn to say “no.” Why are people who are not ready to change their boundaries lonely?

Why do we allow our personal boundaries to be violated?

A person is not born with already formed personal boundaries; he forms them independently throughout his life. Nevertheless, the process itself begins in childhood. Most parents in the process of upbringing do not allow the child to feel like a separate person; they set their own boundaries of thoughts and actions for him. Of course, they thereby protect their children from troubles and misfortunes, but at the same time they do not allow them to live their own lives. This is the main reason for violating personal boundaries in adulthood.

Growing up, we no longer unquestioningly do everything our parents say, but in order not to offend them, many spit on their own thoughts and desires. Surely, many of us feel a sense of debt to our parents for raising and educating us. Parents do not wish us harm, but by doing so they destroy our personal boundaries. Or maybe you are such a parent yourself?

Of course, when we do everything to make our family feel good, this can be understood, but what makes us allow “strangers” to cross this line? It's probably a fear of loneliness.

We are afraid that if we refuse a person, we will lose his love or make him angry.

Emotion how you want

There is rarely anything that irritates as much as an attempt to impose far-fetched rules on you on how and what to feel. You have every right to your own emotional space , that is, to your own idea of when to be sad, when to have fun, and when to shed a mean girlish tear, limited only by social norms of morality (well, that is, to dance and laugh at the top of your lungs at It's better not to have a funeral). Therefore, let your husband stoically endure your crocodile tears over our victory at the Olympics or your joyful, roaring laughter on the occasion of his epic fall from a stepladder. I chose this one myself - let him endure it!

What are psychological boundaries and how to understand that they are being violated

Psychological boundaries are a set of rules about how you can and cannot be treated. When a relationship is just beginning, people are so interested in each other that there are practically no special rules of communication. The boundaries are very blurred. But time passes, relationships develop and old habits make themselves felt.

Partners get tired of adjusting, they quarrel or, on the contrary, endure until the last and do not know how to behave in a given situation. For example, a woman does not like her mother-in-law’s caustic remarks about her appearance. Communication doesn’t work out, but my husband persistently invites me to visit my mother.

On the one hand, she doesn’t want to go, knowing that she will again be nervous and pretend. On the other hand, she understands that this is important for her husband. An internal conflict is brewing: “What if I say that I won’t go, and he will be offended? If I go, I’ll walk broken again.” Internal discomfort and lack of knowledge of how to behave is the first sign that your boundaries are being violated.

Other obvious signs include:

Checking bags and phones. You are not obliged to show anyone your personal belongings and correspondence, or to report who called and why. Even the husband with whom we lived for ten years.
Negative assessment of your appearance, talents and abilities. Under the guise of “good intentions,” many people cultivate a sense of self-importance by humiliating their loved ones.
Categorical statements. “It’s complete nonsense to invite your mother to visit today!” - such remarks are often used by skilled manipulators to get into the boundaries of another.
Groundless accusations. Often people can project their personality onto an opponent and make the following accusations: “Because of you, my life is ruined, you are to blame for my drinking too much, etc.”

These are just general examples. There is no ready-made set of rules for everyone. Everyone decides for themselves what behavior is considered acceptable and what is a clear encroachment on personal boundaries. Sometimes in consultations I hear the question: “Is it normal that he did this?” The answer to it lies only in you.

If another person’s action does not cause discomfort, then it is normal in your case and specifically for you. There is no point in spending time on the Internet looking for an answer. For some, the norm is to fight when sorting out relationships, while others do not even think that they will say obscenities in his presence.

Signs of weak personal boundaries

You have weak or violated personal boundaries if you:

Constantly making excuses or making excuses for your aggressor, instead of fighting back.
You continue to communicate with those who do not love or respect you.
You trust others because you believe that their opinions are more important than yours.
You don't know how to say "NO".
You solve other people's problems, but not your own.
Having difficulty asking for help.
Shy.
Sensitive to criticism.
Afraid to show your true self.
You can't be alone with yourself.
You envy others.
You cannot express your opinion openly.
You often feel angry.

Do you recognize yourself? Then forward to the new “I”, where your interests will be above all!

Why build psychological boundaries and how to do it?

Boundaries are like the front door. If you didn't have it in your house and anyone could enter, how would you feel? I don't think it's happy and safe. The door protects us from dangerous and uninvited guests.

Psychological boundaries perform a similar function. When they are very blurred or built incorrectly, a person expects pain and disappointment from the relationship, which are replaced by depression and apathy. Next, a person can begin to play the role of a victim and shift responsibility for his emotions onto others - it’s THEY who don’t understand me, it’s not about me.

The simple rules presented below will help you build internal boundaries and live in love and acceptance.

Rule 1. Create a personal code

Take a notepad or open a document on your computer and write down in detail what rituals and actions help you maintain peace of mind and balance. Remember situations when you felt unpleasant and uncomfortable, and think about what you would like ideally.

For example it could be:

Be alone one day a week.
Meditate and go to yoga.
Learn to answer or ignore uncomfortable questions (why you are not married, no children, how much do you earn, etc.).

Implement these rules into your life. Remember: if you don’t want or are too lazy to set any rules, others will do it for you.

Rule 2. Negotiate immediately

Sometimes people build relationships under the influence of butterflies in the stomach and according to the principle “everything is fine now, but we’ll figure it out later.” This approach leads to unjustified expectations, loss of time and energy. To change the situation, immediately tell your partner what you want and expect in a relationship and what you don’t. Sometimes you may already find yourself on the bank: this river is completely unsuitable for you.

It is advisable to discuss the following areas:

Emotional. What emotions do you want to receive from communication? Which ones are you willing to give? Think about the purpose of the relationship. This could be flirting, family life, interest. If your goals do not coincide with your partner's ideas, boundaries will be violated. For example, you want an easy and relaxed romance and are not ready for routine life, but a man needs a wife who will iron his shirts. If these points are not discussed, one or both partners will feel uncomfortable.
Material. You need to understand whether you will need to invest money in your time together. If in American culture everything is clear a priori regarding the financial issue, then in Russia a woman can clarify whether she should take money with her or whether the man pays her.
Temporary. Discuss how much time you will spend together. Time is a non-renewable resource, and it is very important to evaluate it realistically. Otherwise, both partners will have the illusion that they can at any moment encroach on the other’s time to the detriment of his interests.

Rule 3. Cultivate your inner core

To be truly respected and accepted, it is important to be yourself. Many are held back in this matter by the fear of “straying from the pack,” of being selfish and inconvenient for others.

It is easier for people to give up their needs than to hear a bad word addressed to them. Here it is advisable to ask the question: what is more important for you - to live your life in pleasure and be real or to suffer and pretend to be good?

The first path is not easy and requires high awareness and responsibility, the skill of self-acceptance, it is based on constant work with flexibility and willpower. But the dividends from it are corresponding - respect and recognition, a completely different standard of living and environment.

The second way is easy. The most important thing about him is to blame everyone around him and suffer. The corresponding bonuses are disrespect, neurosis and illness.