Childhood: difficult, strict or cold
The women interviewed said that as children their parents could not meet their needs. Some mentioned that their parents were emotionally cold and pressured them to control their feelings. Others had no example of how to deal with their emotions because their parents did not know how to do it themselves.
Some women grew up in families where they faced drug addiction or physical, including sexual, violence. Over time, they found a connection between these experiences and the illness, but during the depressive episode itself they did not realize how these early experiences related to the situation in which they found themselves.
Thus, one of the study participants, after overcoming depression, noticed similarities between her mother and her husband: “My husband behaves the same way as my mother. My mother had strong opinions and strange rules." Due to her mother’s strict upbringing, already in adulthood this woman was easily manipulated. “When I have an opinion, I can easily change it because I’m afraid of quarreling. I immediately back down.”
We are disconnected from nature and the spiritual dimension of human experience
The problem goes much deeper than simply not spending enough time in the woods.
For most of human history, life has been considered sacred in various cultures around the world. Family was sacred. Community was sacred. Food was sacred. The water was sacred. Houses and household items were sacred. Nature, along with all the gifts it provided, was sacred.
Life moved much slower and was much calmer, allowing people to be deeply in touch with the sounds, seasons, rhythms and therapeutic beauty of natural processes of growth and decay. People lived close to the land, and the vibrancy of nature and everything in it was an omnipresent, exciting reality. There was magic in nature - in the mysterious forces that animated everything around: flowers, trees, animals and cumulonimbus clouds rolling over the mountains.
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Around the end of the 18th century, with the rise of capitalism and industrialization, various prophetic poets and sages began to notice that something important was being lost as people perceived the turmoil of times and the promise of a techno-paradise.
The disenchantment with nature probably began much earlier, as humans discovered agriculture, built cities, and began to lose touch with their animistic roots. However, capitalist industrialization and its commodification in almost every area of life has been a particularly devastating blow to what remains of the human soul. Moreover, modern secular scientific orthodoxy often implies that the universe is a cold, mostly dead and mindless machine born of chance; this unproven hypothesis also contributes to the spread of spiritual confusion and despair.
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“God is dead,” Nietzsche wrote, meaning not the death of the deity, but the death of God in the hearts of Western people—disappointment in the world.
Imagine a life in which you view everything - from the air you breathe to the food you eat - as a sacred gift, and you often thank Nature for generously providing. Imagine spending most of your time in silence, close to wild land, listening to the sounds of the wind and birds, watching the clouds float across the sky. Imagine that everything around you was a divine miracle. Imagine being surrounded by loving, tight-knit communities of people who feel the same way and rely on each other.
This is what it was like to be human for most of our history. When you compare this vision of life with modern times, it is easy to see how far we have strayed from our roots.
And although our lives are generally less brutal, more prosperous, more novel and more comfortable than those of most of our predecessors, yet we have also lost things in the process of modernization, and we should not deceive ourselves about this.
How to deal with it: Experiment with spiritual practices such as immersion in nature, meditation, yoga, breathwork, journaling. Above all, recognize the importance of cultivating some form of (secular) spirituality, the most fundamental form of which simply involves awakening gratitude, connectedness, and a sense of poetic wonder at the greatness of nature.
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Relationships are a test
Interviewees described their relationships with their husbands or partners, and at work, as very stressful - they felt like a constant challenge and undermined their self-esteem. Relationships with others have become a constant source of anxiety for women, around which thoughts revolve all the time.
Here’s what one participant said: “What I experience most often is powerlessness and helplessness. Basically, I can’t say or decide anything, my emotions and needs don’t matter.”
“For many years now I have had the feeling that I am the most insignificant person in the world and everyone else is more important than me. My interests are always the last thing remembered. It doesn’t matter where - in the family, with friends, at work,” another shared.
Some of the respondents were going through divorce proceedings or had already divorced; another woman had been trying to get out of an unhappy relationship for a long time, but she couldn’t succeed: “I’m going to get a divorce, but it’s taking all my strength. I can’t do this yet, I’m just not capable.”
Women talked about their partner cheating on them: “It’s a terrible shock—like waking up from a dream and realizing that my spouse has someone else, a colleague from work. I am choked by resentment and rage. I would have killed him." Another lady, who also experienced her husband’s betrayal, said: “I feel betrayed. I was taking care of my family. He worked. But now I know that he didn't just work. He was also with another woman. And I packed his suitcase and ironed his shirts. I was his servant."
Obsessing over the complexity of life
Confucius once said: “In fact, life is simple, but we persistently complicate it.” And even if the great Chinese philosopher did not say anything like that, this is a very accurate thought.
When we are faced with a difficult situation, we often focus on its insurmountability instead of trying to solve the problem in a simple way. We succumb to something called complexity bias. This is a thinking trap that causes us to focus on the intractable 10% of a problem while ignoring the 90% that is easy to overcome.
The next time a difficult situation comes your way, step away from thinking about how difficult it will be to deal with it. Instead, come up with strategies to help you cope. Ask yourself what the result will be if you solve this problem head-on: will everything be even more difficult or will it become a little easier.
For example, layoffs are coming at work, and your financial situation is no less dire than that of the company, so there is no way you can lose your job. Don’t rush to tear your hair out, but get down to business. Compose and send your resume to companies that interest you, talk to your boss and find out what the chances are that you will be fired.
In any case, focusing on the difficulties will not help. Only actions, even the simplest ones, will get rid of the problem.
Figure it out
