Difficulties associated with finding a soulmate arise in almost all people at a certain stage in life. Experts associate such problems with the personal qualities of young people, the characteristics of their choices and requirements for a potential soul mate. To make the search process easier for a man, you first need to determine why it is so difficult to find a girl.
Based on the established reasons that make it difficult to organize your personal life, you can find many ways to quickly find a girl for a serious relationship. To do this, it is not necessary to study pickup techniques, study psychological forums and articles, it will be enough to understand yourself, and also change your attitude towards the girls themselves. The reasons for the difficulties of finding a girl do not always lie in the man himself; perhaps it is in the female half of society.
Dating goals
To meet representatives of the opposite sex, you need to define your goals. It is best that both partners have them the same. Then there will be no disagreements on the first date or later. Most often, men set themselves the following goals:
- Meet a woman to start a family or serious relationship.
- Find a permanent girl for a romantic relationship.
- Meet a girl for friendship.
- Dating for an intimate relationship.
How to become an optimist if you are a pessimist - is this realistic and what to do?
After determining the goal, you need to create an image in the head of your future partner in order to have a certain reference point. To do this, the following qualities are assessed:
- External data (hair color, eye color, body composition, height);
- Character traits (kindness, audacity, humility, pliability and others);
- A woman's intelligence (ability to maintain and develop a conversation).
The most ideal option for a man is a woman who suits him in appearance, is beautiful for him, and also knows how to carry on a conversation well.
Important! Nowadays, not only men, but also women meet for sexual relations.
Girl with a red dress and a bicycle
Dreams of an ideal
Some young people cannot find a girl because they are captivated by an ideal. Stereotypes and myths about the abstract ideal woman make everyone around her not attractive enough.
But if you think about it, the set of qualities of an abstract ideal is very contradictory. A woman should be visually attractive and take care of herself, be successful and earn good money, do household chores alone, be a skilled lover, and not have too many sexual partners. It is quite difficult to find such a person in real life. And from year to year the set of abstract qualities required of a woman changes.
Therefore, it is worth thinking about what is really important in a chosen one for a particular man, and what is just superficial, dictated by stereotypes. And it wouldn’t hurt to look at yourself to see how ideal the young man is, how much he meets the abstract ideal of a man.
An overly critical attitude towards girls leads to loneliness and the eternal search for a non-existent and changeable ideal.
When faced with a problem when finding a girl, a young man must understand that he is not alone in his problem. Believing in yourself and working on yourself will help improve the situation. There is no need to be afraid of difficulties, because reaching a new level of personal development will bring not only success with the opposite sex, but also in other areas of life.
Are you a homebody?
The armchair troops replenish their ranks with recruits every day. It doesn’t matter what is the reason that you may not leave your home for days on end, but you will never have a girlfriend. It might be worth visiting more often :
- bars;
- museums;
- shopping centers.
These are classic public places where a huge number of couples meet every day.
You can try going to a nightclub if you are interested in fleeting romances. In any case, even if 9 out of 10 girls refuse you, there will certainly be one who will say “yes”. Not forgetting that the level of socialization directly affects the effectiveness of communication with people.
With each failure, the probability of a subsequent one will rapidly decrease , which will certainly lead to the desired result. How quickly you achieve it depends only on your determination, but first, be sure to get out of your comfort zone.
How things have changed
How did I manage to change my reclusive lifestyle? This was facilitated by a number of external circumstances, which triggered internal changes, which led to changes in external circumstances, which stimulated internal changes, which...
The habit of being among people
It all started when I met a person with whom we decided to create a marketing agency, and in order to save on an office, we began to work at my home. As a result, we spent the whole day together, plus we had to communicate a lot with clients and our team. After a period of seclusion, it was difficult, but gradually I got used to being among people. However, globally nothing has changed in my worldview. I was still afraid of company and believed that a serious relationship was not in the cards for me.
And people aren't that scary
My worldview began to change when I went to group therapy. Group therapy is a good trainer for shy people who live their fantasies about other people (I wrote about it in detail here). The main effect of group therapy is that you understand that all people are alike. Everyone has their own troubles, difficulties, fears, everyone wants happiness, respect, recognition, love, everyone is trying to achieve this, albeit sometimes in very crooked ways.
The cool thing about group therapy is that thanks to it I learned:
- make it clear what people think
. This is important, because a huge pile of conflicts and the desire to stay away from everyone arise due to fantasies that other people think nasty things about us. - talk about your needs
. In the group, I learned, for example, to attract attention to myself: “Friends, give me some time, I need to puff up” and to defend my interests: “Listen, I don’t need advice now, I want you to support me.” This helped to be in contact with people, not to ignore one’s own needs and maintain autonomy. - value yourself more
. The group members talked about what personal qualities they liked about me and what they valued me for. Such feedback increased my self-confidence, and, as a result, it was much easier for me to withstand criticism. Now I no longer wallowed in shame if communication went wrong: “Yes, I didn’t manage to make a funny joke, so what? Happens". - It’s easier to treat yourself and others
. When self-confidence appears, you no longer need to seek solace in fantasies about your imaginary superiority. How was it before? “Even though my life is a complete mess and I have nothing to brag about, but in reality I wow! I just haven’t shown myself yet.” At the same time, this allows us to see in other people simply people with their own characteristics, good things and weaknesses, and not fantastic ideals or pathetic nonentities.
It may seem that the group is to blame for all my changes. This is not entirely true, the group allows you to recharge your confidence and try new behavior, first in a safe situation in the group itself, and then transfer it into everyday life.
Love!
And then I really liked one girl, and I asked her out on a date. And if earlier it would hardly have gone well, since I would definitely have screwed myself up, fantasized that I didn’t like him, and would have ruined everything, now everything went perfectly. The first date was followed by a second, and a year later we got married.
And comparing my feelings from loneliness and from living together, I can say that together it is much better (and I say this not only because my wife reads me :)) It’s difficult to explain, but your loved one seems to complement you, makes you whole and more harmonious.
Present yourself to the world
Of course, compared to everything else, this is a trifle, but I would like to mention the training, which also triggered interesting changes. The funny thing is that it was training on... vocals. What does the vocals have to do with it?
But tell me, can you afford to sing loudly? Most people need vodka and karaoke for this, otherwise it’s strange and indecent. But in the same way, in our culture it is not customary to shine, to attract attention, to be noticeable, and indeed to be. In order for your voice to open up, you need to loosen up, and a fair part of the training was devoted to not holding back yourself, straightening your shoulders and finding your voice.
The results were interesting. We sang songs in chorus for three days, and my voice did not weaken, although for this I just need to talk loudly for a couple of hours (for example, give a lecture to a large audience). But what’s even more curious is that immediately after the training I started a blog, where for the first time I dared to publish personal texts and exhibit my drawings.
Long distance relationships - do you need it?
It happens that when you accidentally meet a girl from another city on vacation or on the Internet, you are so blown away that you can no longer think about anyone else. And this madness also turns out to be mutual.
If this story is about you and the prospect of a correspondence relationship looms before you, think carefully about whether the game is worth the candle. What at first seems insanely romantic, in reality often turns out to be a complete headache.
If love comes suddenly, and you can’t do anything about it, take into account some nuances before rushing headlong into the maelstrom of a virtual relationship.
- It is advisable to see the girl in person at least once before getting involved in all this
The longer you communicate with a person, the clearer and clearer the image of him is formed in your head.
If there is a lack of information, the brain itself completes the missing links in the chain from what is there, seasoning everything with your illusions and fantasies. You may be bitterly disappointed at the first meeting after several months of communication.
If you don’t have the opportunity to meet yet, at least sometimes communicate via video chat and by phone, and don’t limit yourself to just texting.
- Prepare to feel jealous
Jealousy is a constant companion of long-distance relationships. When there is no way to control where and with whom a girl spends time, doubts and obsessive thoughts creep into her head. Do not hesitate to share your experiences with her - if your chosen one values you, she will do everything in her power to reassure and encourage you.
Just know when to stop! In some cases, you will have to handle it yourself so as not to burden your loved one. Otherwise, she will soon become suffocated from constant control and the need to justify herself, and she will fly free from this cage.
Keep in mind that your girlfriend may also feel jealous of you. Treat this calmly and with understanding. Do not give unnecessary reasons to doubt your loyalty.
- Don't leave your relationship in limbo
If you have really serious intentions and would like to connect your life with this girl, start discussing moving. Find out from her what she thinks about this, whether she is ready to move in with you or host you. If your chosen one does not plan to move and she is happy with everything, it is better for you to end the relationship with her, no matter how difficult it may be.
If she shares your intentions, discuss everything seriously down to the smallest detail. You shouldn't have any disagreements about this. Negotiate and look for compromises.
- Be ready to take responsibility
The person to whom they are moving bears the greatest responsibility. If you have agreed to live in your city, provide all the conditions so that your loved one is comfortable with you. Get your apartment in order, warn your parents and friends about her appearance in your life, and try to find the girl a job in advance.
Remember - a person leaves everything that is dear to him in order to be with you. This is quite a significant sacrifice, and you have to compensate for it with something. If you are not sure of your feelings and have doubts, you should not start this whole epic.
If you move, you will also have a hard time. You will have to leave your usual life, friends and family. It will take a long time before you adapt to a new place. If you feel coldness and doubts from the girl, don’t even think about going!
Watch this video and think again about all of the above.
Where to look for a girl if you can't find her?
There are actually an innumerable number of places where you can find a girl for a relationship, the main thing is not to sit at home waiting for the same one to come knocking on the door. Psychologists call the top list of the most popular places where you can meet a girl, namely:
- Internet – there are various dating sites and social networks designed for dating;
- clubs of interest - this can be a gym, swimming pool, library and other places visited by a man;
- in courses, seminars - they can be devoted to cooking, dancing, vocals and other activities;
- at concerts - a place where young people gather, where you can find a girl who prefers the same music as a man;
- in the store - there are many girls walking here every day, whom you can approach for advice;
- street - in a park, square, at a bus stop or pedestrian crossing, everywhere you can find a reason to meet a girl.
Advice! You can’t find a girl for a serious relationship in various “dirty” places, such as clubs, bars, discos, where, as a rule, there are one-night stands under the influence of strong drinks.
What to do so that the first date does not turn out to be the last
Your task is to make a stunning impression. Show your real self, but from the best side. Remember a few tips.
- First of all, pay attention to appearance. Clothing can be simple, but modern and perfectly clean and ironed. Hair should be styled, nails well-groomed, beard and mustache beautifully decorated.
- Be polite and gallant. Let the girl go ahead, open the door, pour her drinks into a glass. I hope no one needs to be taught this?
- Take an active interest in the girl’s life, listen enthusiastically, and keep the conversation going. Don't sit and expect her to entertain you.
- Don't brag. There is nothing worse than coming across as an upstart and arrogant.
- Walk the lady home after the date and thank her for a wonderful evening. You can immediately express your hope for the next meeting.
- Nobody forbids you to try to kiss a girl. If she doesn't object, you've hit the jackpot. If he refuses, don’t be upset. This doesn't necessarily mean she didn't like you. She may want to get to know you better first or is afraid of seeming too approachable. Courage and perseverance will still play into your hands - your chosen one will remember your attempt with excitement.
Ex-girlfriend image
The problems described above usually occur in young men. Older men also face problems when finding a girlfriend. But the reasons may not be related to self-doubt.
The image of an ex-girlfriend or wife, an emotional past that has not been experienced, can interfere with finding a girl and starting a new life.
The person most likely does not realize this. It seems to the man that he has stopped even thinking about his ex. But at the same time, he subconsciously looks for a similar girl. Constantly comparing a new acquaintance with an image from the past, a man cannot get to know the girl he likes better and cannot get closer to her to build a harmonious relationship. And a girl, without feeling sincere interest, will not be interested in further communication.
You can get rid of the “ghost” from the past; general recommendations are as follows:
- accept the fact of separation as accomplished and let go of memories, start living from scratch;
- fill your life with really interesting things;
- try to achieve harmony with yourself and the world.
Getting rid of the “shadows” from the past will open the door to a new, happy relationship.
Subconscious unpreparedness for a relationship and lack of feedback from a man in a relationship
Sometimes a man who is outwardly attractive and does not suffer from a lack of female attention, still experiences difficulties in finding a girl. Relationships that begin quickly end.
Here the reason may be unpreparedness for a new relationship or lack of return from the man in it.
If a relationship doesn’t work out over and over again, a young man should think about what he really wants from a relationship. Maybe you need easy and relaxed communication, an opportunity to have fun together? Or is he looking for a trusting, serious relationship to subsequently start a family? Should a girl be, first of all, a friend and share his views? Or is just a mistress enough? Having understood himself and understood what kind of relationship he needs right now, it will be easier for a man to decide what kind of girl to look for. And perhaps he will understand that now it is better to be alone.
Difficulties in finding a girl can also arise from the fact that the man is not giving back in the relationship. The partner does not feel interested and stops communication. This may not be true, it’s just that a man cannot express his feelings.
There is only one way out of this situation - work on yourself. Having learned to express his feelings, the young man will immediately notice how his relationships with girls have changed.
It is a mistake to passively accept signs of attention from a girl. You need to take reciprocal steps, show interest, reveal yourself as a person.
Self-doubt gets in the way
A very serious reason why you still don't have a girlfriend. Because because of this, you are dooming yourself to failure in advance by determining the negative consequences of your actions. Most often this leads to complete inaction:
- You don't ask a girl out because you're afraid of rejection.
- You don’t show her any signs of attention, fearing that she doesn’t like you.
- You don't give compliments for fear of seeming stupid.
Self-doubt and low self-esteem completely kill all attempts to find a worthy life partner, or even start a short-term relationship.
In particularly advanced cases, guys may believe that they are completely unworthy of this. Or they often lower the bar, choosing a partner with whom their self-esteem will not suffer.
Remember that being content with little or, even worse, completely giving up something because of your fear is the lot of losers . There is no need to cook a steak if you can quickly cook buckwheat, because you will be full anyway. Perhaps, but the steak will probably taste better.
Let's get acquainted and evaluate5
You can choose any reason for getting acquainted (a comment about the weather, a navigation question, an original compliment, etc.) You can not bother at all, approach the girl and offer to chat a little, or even move the conversation to a table with coffee.
Now you should relax as much as possible (not so easy) and start enjoying the dialogue, gradually reducing it to light flirting. If you can’t come up with an interesting topic, it’s better to ask your interlocutor about her hobbies. Leave questions about your personal life, work, and studies for later.
In communication and flirting, you can see some details of human character and habits. If the lady made a positive impression, you should invite her on a first date. There are no special rules; it is enough to observe decency and behave in the same way as in everyday life.
How to distinguish a girl who wants to start a stable relationship:
- The lady is trying to demonstrate her advantages. Mention in conversation her ability to cook, talk about her achievements.
- Even with great sexual desire, she will try not to seem easily accessible.
- The girl will be interested in the interlocutor, asking leading questions.
- An intelligent woman will not talk about past relationships, not right away. This topic is unpleasant for many men.
- He will try to demonstrate his own independence and seriousness.
