Stop demanding that you love your child.
“ I know that in school for foster parents they often say: “Don’t so much prepare to meet your child as prepare to meet yourself.”
What was the most difficult thing you encountered with yourself? “This issue was resolved for me long before I became a foster mother, long before I took in my first foster child. Initially, my whole story of motherhood began with the fact that I married a single father. It’s so romantic - a man who raises a child alone, you can’t help but fall in love.
— And try to warm everyone up at once?
- Certainly. My God, this is generally... A single mother in our society’s consciousness is something like that... And a single father...
— Hero father!
“It’s just something, every woman’s dream.” Naturally, I fell in love. Naturally, she got married.
Here I was faced with the fact that I began to catch myself thinking that I do not love and cannot love this child, that I feel for him not at all maternal, some kind of not at all warm feelings. My God, I'm a bad person. What should I do? Catastrophe. I even thought of divorce, because I couldn’t give her up anywhere, and I couldn’t tell my husband what to do about it. I couldn't tell anyone what to do with a child I didn't love.
At the same time, I didn’t have any specific complaints about the child; she didn’t do anything that I could really find fault with. It’s just the absence of my feelings for her and an incredible feeling of guilt, like this, the child is poor, an orphan, and I can’t love her. I really thought about divorce.
Then at some point, when it was really hard for me, I started leaving home on weekends so as not to appear there, wandered around the city, and went to the temple of Cosmas and Damian, which is on Stoleshnikov Lane in the morning, for some reason I stood in line to see the priest, Father Alexander Kuzin was there. I didn't know him then. In general, I could say that I came to the temple for the first time.
I reached him, stood in line, and said: “I don’t love her.” And he tells me: “Well, don’t love me.” Me: “How can you not love me?” I thought he was going to start shaming me: “What are you, a child without a mother.” I say: “How can you not love?” - “So, don’t love me and that’s it.” Me: “How can I? How should I live? How come you don’t love me?” He says: “Why do you need to love her? You are the eldest woman in the family, you have order, you put it in order. Your job is to make sure you have clean clothes, eat on time, and go to bed as you should.” I say: “Yes, is that possible?” He says: “Of course.”
I leave and understand that this is the solution. If earlier she came and ate the last piece of cake, and I was furious and could not say anything to her, because how could it be, I was depriving the little orphan of cake, that’s all. And I'm offended because this is my cake.
Now I understand, but what exactly? We have rules. I call her and say: “So, my dear, look, if there is the last piece of cake, then you ask me whether it’s possible or not, and I tell you - “we divide it in half” or “can we eat it”, or “no, it’s impossible, This is my"". It was when I stopped expecting any feelings from myself, this love that everyone expects from themselves, that it solved my problem. That's all.
My task was to make sure that there were clean clothes, that everything was done on time, that everything happened correctly. After a couple of months, I realized that I was a good child. Six months later, I caught myself thinking that I was protecting her from her father, like, don’t touch the child. Very soon I began to feel very pleasant warm feelings towards her. Now I’m proud of her, I love her. We have a very warm, close relationship with her, she is wonderful, wonderful.
This expectation of some kind of love from oneself probably cripples many parents. They are all waiting, now I will take it and burn with him. How can you fall in love with a stranger, just like that? It doesn't happen that way. Especially when this person somehow behaves incorrectly.
Children scream, poop, smear food, become hysterical, and mischief. How to live with this? You kind of have to love him, but somehow you don’t.
I remember one wonderful case when a woman came to the adoption forum and wrote: I took a two-year-old child, but for some reason I don’t love him, a week has passed, and I still don’t love him. They tell her: “You better love a cat, you don’t feel so sorry for her. And just bathe this one, swaddle it, put it to bed, feed it, that’s all. There is no need to love." This is actually true - it is salvation when you stop demanding love from yourself and simply perform certain actions.
Then, in a global sense, I realized that love is actually an action, when I perform an action, make a decision that I will take care of this person. These all sorts of pleasant feelings inside are a bonus that may be given to me.
Photo: Facebook / Svetlana Stroganova
“It turns out that I can’t stand my own daughter crying.”
“When my first daughter was born,” says Anastasia, “I was faced with the fact that I could not stand the child’s crying. I didn’t recognize myself when I wanted to shake the stroller or shake the baby. I didn’t expect that I could do this at all. It was an unfamiliar part of me.
Before the birth of my child, I was a good girl, an excellent student, God forbid I offend someone. I resolved all conflicts, turned the other cheek, and was very balanced. This is how I presented myself to the world. It was unsafe to show any “negative” emotions: what if they stopped loving me, what if it would interfere with my work.
And then someone who no one had ever seen woke up in me. And me too. And this “someone” must not be shown to anyone; this dark personality must be locked in the closet and not touched. I thought it was impossible to solve. And the only thing you can do is pull yourself together and keep these emotions to yourself.
It seemed to me that I was some kind of wrong mother. My expectations and reality did not coincide. It was very sad and offensive, because I only drew constant smiles for myself, but it turns out that I can scream and not react to children’s crying. And, of course, I blamed myself for this. For wanting to be left alone.
After all, I really wanted a child. I love the child. You can't feel this way. I then realized that something needed to be done about this. And the thought crept in that this happens to many people, but for some reason I knew nothing about it.
I am still grateful to my husband for the fact that he came home and, if he saw that I was feeling bad, he took the child out of the house. And he returned with flowers. It is a very valuable resource when you realize that you are not alone.
The path to love
Any established emotion that develops into a feeling cannot pass on its own without leaving a trace. Its manifestations need to be corrected and the opposite skills developed. After a long period of fruitful work, you can already forget that it occupied the majority of personality manifestations. So it is with hatred: first you need to take certain steps to eradicate it from behavior and thoughts.
It is important to be positive. Hatred always comes after discontent, envy or pride
These are terrible vices that are condemned in many religions and are spelled out in the Bible as sins. To cultivate positivity in yourself, you can try playing the “Okay” game. It lies in the fact that a person in any situation looks for a reason for joy. For example, children are playing noisily in the room - it’s good that they are healthy and can be active and cheerful. It’s raining outside - it’s good, it will blow dust on the roads and water the flowers. And similar examples. Of course, you need to look for such “good” wisely, otherwise these noisy children can break their noses. And then not everything will be so rosy.
We have seen that a positive attitude is important. What else needs to be done to overcome hatred? Try to turn the vector of emotions towards this person: instead of destructive actions, you need to do good to him. This is some kind of help or conversation with the goal of improving relationships. This is even easier to do with a child than with an adult. Children often need our help, and this is a wonderful opportunity to express themselves and move from their sad thoughts to the needs and requirements of a little person.
Many experts have noticed that when a person begins to think about others and do good, he becomes happier. Find out about the needs of the child you hate, get to know his inner world, and you will see how much beauty there is. Then the words “I hate children” will no longer apply to you. Every person in our life teaches us something, and children are no exception. Perhaps it is in your relationship with your child that you will learn to love and become a happy person.
Hatred towards a child from a spouse's first marriage
Loving someone else's child is work. Moreover, when he lives with you and is next to you every day. You see all his whims and antics, and anger and irritation boil in your soul. I just want to bring some sense into this “dear” child. The ex (ex) of a loved one appears before your eyes, and one way or another jealousy arises. And she, as you know, is a bad companion in life. If you see how your spouse indulges, consoles or pleases the child in every possible way, then admit to yourself: you are jealous. And it is this disease that needs to be treated. The statement “I hate the child from my first marriage” is caused by a feeling of jealousy. And relationships are built on trust and mutual assistance. It’s already not easy for your soulmate to exist between you, like between two fires. You should not try to force your own motives into upbringing, try to help in what your spouse is doing, take part in his (her) concerns, understand how he (she) sees it. But make it clear that you can see the situation differently, and if he (she) needs advice, you are ready to share your opinion. You should not rush from one extreme to another and appease the child. Let everything take its course. Be yourself, but without negativity. Remember: this is work, work on yourself and on relationships.
“I admitted that I am not a “mommy””
And the next step was that I admitted that, in fact, I am not a “mom.” There are girls who get high from constantly hanging out with their children, constantly going to bed, etc. This is fine. I am not like that. I exhaled and finally allowed myself to be in a different role. I started writing.
I realized that I felt bad not because I was sitting at home, washing the floors, instead of going out somewhere. But on the contrary: I wash the floors because I have a lot of anger, irritation and I don’t know what to do with it. That’s why I wash and scrub something all the time. Although in reality I simply do not satisfy some of my needs.
Adoptive parents are made into selfish people
— There is no such multidirectional movement that some children end up in the system, while others are taken away precisely because there is simply nowhere to find a source of income, and it occurs to people: let’s take a child from an orphanage and somehow survive at his expense?
- Of course, there are such people. Especially when they hear about Moscow payments. In Moscow there are quite decent payments for children. Of course, you won’t get rich, let’s say, you won’t buy any dacha, apartment or car with it. However, it is possible to live on this, especially if people have lost their jobs and they are considering this option as a way to make money.
I recently had such a case - one woman called me and said: “I lost my job, but I have strength, I will now take two or three children, I will have these payments, I will live on them.” Luckily, I was able to talk her out of it and convince her that it was a bad idea. To those people who think this way, I can tell you that it’s not easy to just go and get a job somewhere. Even if you are tired, you can always go away and rest. Here you will never be able to go anywhere, nor take vacation or sick leave. Now you will always have it, 24 hours a day.
“Get rich on orphans” - what will adoptive parents answer when asked about motivation?
I know people who took children not because of payments, but because of payments. I can give myself as an example. When I already had two adopted children, and there are four of them in total, at some point I saw on the Internet a photograph of my Olya, whom I later took - a girl with a disability, who did not walk or talk. But I was hooked by a photo on the Internet: a child with a shaved head and frightened eyes. This somehow shocked me; it took me a very long time to learn about her.
Then I went to get acquainted, they told me that there was cerebral palsy and a heart defect, and a variety of diagnoses, nevertheless, I was still carried there. I knew that there were crazy people who took away disabled children. I didn’t consider myself one of them, but, nevertheless, I wanted to help the child.
When I realized that that was it, there were no options, my mother was not found, and Olya was being transferred to a child care center, I was faced with a choice: either a child care center, and this is a death sentence, or I take her away. And then I went to the guardianship and said that I would register a foster family, because the child does not walk or talk, which means that for some time I will lose some of my work. And I will need money to rehabilitate the child.
This was quite an important question for me because I needed to evaluate my finances. Then I roughly calculated everything and, thanks to the payments, was able to arrange the necessary rehabilitation for Olya. We still had to add a lot, but the payments played a role.
In general, I believe that all over the world, foster families and foster parents, especially professional foster parents, are honored and respected. In our country, they are sometimes turned into selfish people who love children for money. Although they even save the state budget.
Maintaining a child in an orphanage costs the state from 100 to 150 thousand rubles per month per child. Even if we pay the adoptive family 15–20, 30 thousand, what is more profitable? Not to mention the social effect we have. A child released from an orphanage is one thing. A child released from a family... A family member, sometimes they don’t let him out, he continues to live there - that’s a completely different story.
— Still, how then to separate some people from others? Not every person directly says that I don’t have enough to live on, so I’ll take a child.
- Not every. Now, in my opinion, we do not have a fully correct system for preparing candidates for adoptive parents and selecting them.
A conclusion on the possibility of being an adoptive parent is issued by an official, a guardianship officer, based on a number of pieces of paper. He is not a psychologist, not a teacher, has no special education, he did not even graduate from foster parents school, but he needs to make a key decision: can a person be an adoptive parent or not. This, I think, is not entirely correct; it would be better if it were a commission, which, of course, included professional specialists.
Since 2012, fortunately, we have made it compulsory for foster parents to attend school. There, specialists see candidates. I believe that if we see a candidate who is not suitable in all respects, but has an exclusively selfish interest, then the task of specialists is to work with him in such a way that he withers away.
Further, even if this did not happen, and he did not dry up, and it was not possible to dissuade him, the person still goes with a package of documents to guardianship. If she sees that the family has no income, he will be refused. This is fine.
I believe that living on child benefits alone is not entirely correct. Even if you now remove all earnings and leave only child benefits, you can probably live somehow, but still we are talking about people themselves living with dignity and somehow raising their children.
I hate my teenage child what should I do?
In our class there are a lot of people like me...abnormal."
Ban games, social networks, instant messengers, ban everything. Control lessons, friends, free time, control everything. Load, don't let in, yell, flog. What about love? The director of the Tyumen children's media holding "Academy of Joy" Marina Solotova wrote on her Facebook page about the role of parents in the Pskov tragedy.
Authorities propose to tighten control over the Internet after the Pskov tragedy
Lev Shlosberg: Pskov teenagers didn’t have enough words “I love you”
Pskov teenagers: they died by slamming the door
Information about the Pskov tragedy must be handled with caution - psychiatrist
About Pskov. Now it will be long.
I have 36 years of experience working with teenagers. That is, I started back in 1980. Therefore, I have something to tell about our children - both those who are no longer children, and those who are still at an age that is usually called “difficult”.
I won't curtsy today. It boiled because...
Back in the 80s, my then-boyfriends and I staged a play called “Difficult Childhood.” We wrote the script ourselves. They talked about school, family, unhappy love - about everything that makes childhood difficult. So here it is. You can take the script and stage the play tomorrow. Nothing has changed, except perhaps the advent of social networks. But the main thing remains the main thing. The play included a scene about child suicide. We studied the material seriously. We read the notes that the guys left. We talked with those who were saved. None of them were truly going to die.
According to statistics at that time, most suicides occurred between 18:00 and 19:00. They knew that their parents would be returning from work any minute. And they thought that mom and dad would make it in time, and at the same time they would understand that something had to be done. We read these notes from the stage. And they understood one very simple thing, banal to the point of disgust. We ended this part of the performance with words that I remember for 30 years: “If we had given the real reason for leaving this life, it would have sounded something like this: “I didn’t have enough love.” Love us alive."
Nothing changed. NOTHING.
I started this morning's journalism class by talking about what happened. Some watched the broadcast on Periscope or whatever it’s called. Now attention. 7 OUT OF 7 PARENTS YESTERDAY AFTER THE “LET THEM THEY TALK” PROGRAM RUNNED TO SOCIAL NETWORKS TO DISCUSS THIS MATTER WITH THEIR FRIENDS!!!!! Need comments?
Attention again. To those who blame everything on the bad guys from VKontakte who are pushing our children to take this step. I asked the guys today: if they had the opportunity to spend this time with their parents instead of hanging out on VKontakte, what would they prefer? You don't have to believe me. But 7 out of 7 people said they would choose their parents. True, with a caveat: “It depends on what you do.” They want to walk with us in the park. Read books out loud. Play Monopoly. Prepare an unusual dinner. To watch movie. Edit home video. Listen to rap. Talk about love and listen to stories about how mom met dad, at least for the hundredth time. They don't want to report grades to school!!!
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Now for those who believe that those who were buried were not flogged enough. My guys said: “Then this would have happened earlier.”
***
Several stories. Real ones, from life. I have a student who gets beaten for getting B's. Her parents believe that she should be an excellent student because she can, and her resources should be used to the maximum. In September, the girl lost her key and was unable to return home in time. I forgot my phone at home. It happens. As a result, she was punished. Over the course of a month, she could leave her room on three occasions - to school, to the kitchen and to the toilet. The books and computer were taken. Phone too. What should a child do, you know? So I don’t know.
We conducted a journalistic experiment and called the helpline with this question. That is, they put it on speakerphone and listened to the girl tell this story to someone who was considered a psychologist. They lied about only one thing: the girl said that she was now being punished, that it was the second week. "What should I do?" - the girl cried. She really cried because the story still wouldn't let her go. The one who is considered a psychologist on the other end of the line stupidly attacked the child. “How do you study? Did you call your mom and say you lost your key? So what if I forgot my phone number? You can ask a friend. Do you go to school? Well, but you say that they won’t let you go anywhere!” Then the one who is considered a psychologist simply left. She just put the phone on the table and left, we heard the clicking of heels. A few minutes later she returned and asked: “Are you still here? Well... try talking to your parents. Goodbye".
I have a student who cried half the night on my chest in Lukashino a couple of weeks ago. This happens because there, at trainings, children begin to come out of everything that they have kept inside for a long time. We talked about how the girl spends her nights on social networks. “Where else can I communicate?! - the child shouted. - I'm afraid to sleep alone! And mom goes off to play billiards! She's getting married, and I'll have to move into her husband's cottage! And I hate him, he always laughs at the fact that I burr, and my mother says that it’s okay, and that I should get used to it, because it will be useful to me in life!” I met with my mother and talked about billiards. Mom said that she plays at night, and at night CHILDREN SHOULD SLEEP.
I have a boy who spent the last year sharing a real tragedy with the boys: constant conflicts between his parents. They fought every day. Loud. Mom even left for a month. And in April, my mother called me and said that the boy would not go to classes for the next month, because he had a C in geometry. I couldn't stand it. I told my mother that she was trying to deprive the child of the only place where he was interested and where he was heard. That it’s difficult to learn geometry when behind the wall two equally loved people are yelling obscenities at each other. That he shouldn’t go to the gym if instead of our classes he goes to the gym with his dad. And she said a lot more. Mom heard, thank God.
***
I can tell a dozen or two more such stories. Stories about seemingly quite prosperous families.
Yes, and we saw our parents for half an hour a day. But we didn’t have the guy from Contact who hands out recipes. And our children have it. And as long as this guy needs our children more than we do, he will defeat us. Because he doesn’t care what grade the child got in school. Because he has enough time to talk with the teenager in such a way that the child is convinced that he is understood. Because while you and I are lamenting about this guy on Facebook and calling for him to be quartered, another guy like him is already registering a page and starting to be friends with our children. The key word is FRIENDSHIP.
They really don't have enough love. And communication. Not about school - they don’t like to talk about it at all. They are convinced that we don’t care about anything except grades, which actually mean absolutely nothing. And in general, school doesn’t mean anything, but that’s another topic.
A 14-year-old girl goes to bed with a man not because she has no libido. Well, you don’t rush at 14 years old, do you? She goes to bed because she thinks: this is the love that she lacks.
A child should not hear his parents quarrel! I am tired of explaining to adults that in case of war, children will be evacuated first! Most often, the child considers himself to be to blame for parental quarrels. There are two options: 1) if I weren’t there, they would be able to arrange their lives, but so they are forced to suffer with each other and 2) I mean nothing to them, because they don’t even want to be together for my sake.
Parents are required to read their children's social media pages. Tell me what you want about trust, about the fact that you already know everything, that he trusts you. NO! Try registering on VK under a different name and ask your child to be your friend. You will learn a lot of new things, really. Only if you are a smart parent, you will not use this information in the format: “I know everything, it would be better if you washed the dishes before... (hereinafter referred to as options).” You will simply know and draw conclusions. And act wisely. And to those who defend the right of children to the privacy of correspondence, I answer: we are at war with our uncle, and in war all means are fair. Only the one who does everything tactically correctly wins.
***
If you have ever taken the opposite side of a child in a public dispute, he will not trust you. Never again. And he won’t come for help if necessary. Not right? It happens, and often. And then we say to the teacher who scolds the child in front of you: “Thank you, Marvanna, goodbye.” And at home, alone, we try to understand: WHY?!
I'm not talking about permissiveness. I'm talking about lack of attention. And there is never too much of it. Overprotection happens. The desire to live his life instead of a child happens. The desire to train happens. And there is no such thing as too much attention! Do not confuse attention and slavery. The child must be sure: he is loved by anyone!
Photo: Generation Gap / xflickrx
Photo: Generation Gap / xflickrx
Another story. A grandmother calls, who has been raising her granddaughter since birth. Hysterical. “She refuses to be a girl! She screams that same-sex love and marriage between women have the right to exist!!!” I personally understand everything. The girl is trying to make sure that everyone needs her. We make a decision: the grandmother calmly says in the evening that she thought about it and realized that if a girl wants to become a boy, then they begin to save money for the operation. The girl does not return to this topic anymore.
From a discussion on FB: “I think the parents have nothing to do with it. Love is at least somehow transmitted and read by a child. The main thing: children strive for recognition by some society, but they don’t accept it.”
1. Parents a priori have nothing to do with it. Because they are parents. And if they have nothing to do with the death of a child, then why are they there at all?!
2. Can't be read. That's all it doesn't read. They need proof. Constantly. Not material at all.
3. Yes, they strive. And if they “don’t take it” in one place, you need to look for another. Where you can be sure that no harm will be done. And the child will be heard. In Tyumen, off the top of my head - “Vega”, search engines of Arthur Olkhovsky, “Interval” of Sasha Kurapov, and yours truly. There are probably a dozen more “some kind of societies” if you get puzzled. Quite such a company will be of help to parents who are at work from morning to night. The more time a child spends in useful places, the less time on the Internet.
Useful places are where people hear, understand and talk. For my niece Sashka, this is a theater studio. For my Almaty boys this was the pioneer headquarters. For hundreds of Tyumen children - Tower and Gensanych (except those listed). We immediately cross out the school - it has long ceased to be a place where something is done in the interests of the child.
They can live without social networks. On the first day of our trips, we always ask you to hand over your phones just for the night. We say: you'll pick it up tomorrow morning. Honestly, they forget to pick it up before the end of the shift!
A person leaves life when he ceases to feel and understand its value. Not life in general, but your own. He ceases to understand that he is needed. Even if he stayed for a second year. Even if he stole a chocolate bar from the store. Even if he doesn't go to university. Even if he doesn't wash his dishes. Still needed.
From the mouth of my guys:
...I'm a bad son because I got a 3 in physics.
...I will go to Lukashino if dad comes out of his drinking bout.
...I dream of becoming a director, but my mother says that I won’t do it for anything.
...In our class there are many people like me - abnormal ones.
...I asked my mother to help, and she told me to solve this problem myself, because I was already an adult.
...My stepfather punished me for talking to my dad on the phone.
And one last thing. We, the parents, are responsible for everything that happens to our children. And no one else.
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Can anger and fatigue from children be called hatred?
Are there mothers who hate their children? Every mother is familiar with the feeling of being tired of her own babies. We adults are no longer as active, playful and noisy as our children. Wasting our energy during the day at work, and then at home in the evening, we often want to just sit in silence afterwards so that no one will bother us. But with small children this is unrealistic. They constantly demand our attention, want to play or exercise, have fun with their parents, learn something new every minute and ask thousands of questions in a very short time. Naturally, this behavior of children irritates adults.
But fatigue or anger are not the same as hatred. This negative emotion is so strong that it causes a person to act destructively. Fatigue or well-deserved anger at a child about his behavior does not imply any destructive actions. At the same time, the parent can adequately reason and make decisions. What can't always be said about hatred. It cannot exist without the release of negativity. Most often, hatred pushes a person to take some action towards the object of this emotion. In relationships with children, this can be beatings (not any punitive measures, but beatings), moral oppression, deprivation of vital objects or things, for example, when angry parents put their child on a chain, depriving them of food. To everyone's horror, there are such situations in society.
Anger at a child’s actions should not cause moral or physical harm to his health. Parents are called upon to guide the child’s behavior and teach him to live in accordance with generally accepted norms. This must be done using socially acceptable methods, and not through actions that entail criminal liability.
“Many mothers lose the option of “going out the window””
– At almost every consultation, when we talk about what thoughts are in the head at the moment of an emotional peak, mothers say that they are losing the situation, how they “go out the window.” Many people do this. In my head.
It sounds very scary, but it is true. It is important to understand that this is a metaphor, this is how the psyche copes with complex things. This should not be taken as a guide to action.
To prevent this, you need to release the emotion on time and in an environmentally friendly way. Aggression always has a direction. You have a choice: point it at the child or at the wall. Therefore, at the moment when you feel very bad, go out, hit the pillow, growl, dance - do any actions aimed at relieving emotions from yourself. First aid in anger is always some kind of action. You need to develop your own scheme.
My favorite technique: “Who is the adult here? I'm an adult here. I'm the mom here. I gave birth to a child myself. I invited him into this world myself. I am responsible." I can lash out and not always behave appropriately with other people, but not with a child.
A healthy family in terms of emotions is one in which they can be expressed. The image of a mother who is healthy in terms of emotions is one who talks about her emotions and at the same time she does not need to work on herself, she does it naturally. She voices them and knows how to support herself. There are such mothers. But most often it is an acquired skill.
Nastya barely manages to finish her last sentence. The baby requires attention and milk.
The mother takes her daughter on her lap and continues: “Moms most often come to me, complaining that they have a lot of aggression, anger at the child, they cannot control themselves, they scream, they can hit. And also Happy Groundhog Day.
According to my observations, now mothers have a great need for a place where they could discuss such topics and see understanding eyes opposite them. When you talk about what an imperfect mother you are, and they nod in response and say: “You are human. You want to cry, you want to scream,” you exhale, and it becomes easier.”
“Accept the child for who he is, without trying to correct him to suit your ideal...”
This is roughly what psychologists' advice sounds like. They argue that all the problems are that parents cannot accept the difference of their own child, because they themselves experienced a similar experience in childhood, they themselves were not accepted for who they are. Psychologists recommend that parents remember their childhood, those situations when they were not accepted and their own parents tried to remake them, and, finally, internally allow themselves not to meet anyone’s ideals and expectations. This will allow you to accept the child as he is. And this acceptance mystically should solve all problems.
Will he decide? Let's say I accept that my child steals, is rude, lies, plays on the computer for days on end, or disappears at night unknown where. I accept that I am responsible for this. What's next?! Who will explain what to do?!
Unfortunately, such advice no longer works after the child turns 6 years old.
What to do if you hate your own child?
- First of all, admit to yourself and say out loud: “I hate the child, but I want to love and be loved.” This is the first step to awareness of the problem, and therefore to the readiness to change the situation.
- Calm down, see a doctor and get tested for hormonal levels, visit a neurologist, psychoneurologist... These are strong recommendations, since a common cause of this behavior is elementary disorders of the nervous system, metabolism, cerebral blood vessels, and hormonal levels. That is, there is a need to check your health, because it is the basis of your state of mind.
- Stop self-criticism and accept everything as it is. Tell yourself: “Yes, I hate the child, but this is “Me.” And it is “I” that is ready to solve this problem.” Yes, this is you as you are... And this is your child (children). Start with the fact that you just need to build normal human relationships with them, in other words, learn to coexist amicably on mutually beneficial terms. Try, first forcing yourself (a little), to hug and kiss your children and husband. Then it will become easier for you to do it, then you will like it. Often shouting and irritation are a habit, that is, a common pattern of behavior and relationships. It takes time to turn the wheel back. This is not about substituting emotions. We are talking about their transformation and the transformation of human nature.
- Unwind the thread of the events of your childhood, let go of grievances and forgive everyone and everything. These are not trivial things and not lofty words, this is the root of the problem. The thought “I hate the child” lies there. Untie all the knots, free your breath, relax your psyche and the body as a whole. Allow yourself to be happy, and this means to love and be loved. Start giving, just don't expect a return right away. It will come, not necessarily instantly, but it will happen with 100% probability.
Nonverbal expression of negative emotions
One of the ways a person expresses his emotions is nonverbal communication. Psychoanalysts recommend expressing your negative feelings without hiding them inside, but in a more cultural way. There is no need to read morals or shout: “I hate children!” Just tell your child what you think about his behavior, only in a positive tone. Believe it or not, it works! Add a smile. Make threats, but in a positive way. Show your teeth, but with a smile. This will make it easier for you, and, surprisingly, the child will react.
Many negative words are simply still incomprehensible to him. In addition, raising the tone is a weakness. But parents cannot show it. Lower your tone, suddenly change your voice to a quiet one. This approach will bear fruit, especially if the baby is used to screaming. The constant increase in tone destroys, first of all, the woman, she seems to be burning from the inside, but the child doesn’t care. On the contrary, it’s as if he’s deliberately bringing his mother out. Therefore, the best way to change his behavior is a positive and quiet tone. Even if angry words are spoken, they will be heard sooner.
***
A child with a sound vector seems strange from an early age. He may not be interested, like all “normal” children, in playing ball or even watching everyone’s favorite cartoons. Sometimes he even “freezes” in time and space and, it seems, does not even hear the words addressed to him. And how can he not shout?
The fact is that his innate task is to understand the intangible world. If developed correctly, he could become Mozart or Einstein, Kant or Tsiolkovsky. But screaming for a sound engineer is like a bulldozer for a flower bed: it destroys neural connections in the brain that are responsible for development. But the unconscious desire remains, and the possibilities are destroyed. By whom? Parents who want the best for their child. The result is hatred and drug addiction.
Negative emotions towards all young children
Let's plunge back into childhood again. The emerging statement “I hate other people’s children” is akin to “I wasn’t allowed to do that.” These are constant prohibitions at a tender age, learning to treat strangers with negativity, rejection of strangers in general, that is, the lack of banal openness to the world around us, which is formed in childhood. The opinion “I hate screaming children” also comes from childhood. This is fatigue from screaming or, conversely, a consequence of the fact that the family condemned such behavior of the child. In general, you need to relax and start living, breathing deeply. Look at the Greeks - the words “I hate little children” are alien to them. If someone else’s child is naughty in a cafe or other public place, then those around him will not express their dissatisfaction in any way. On the contrary, everyone will rush to him, console him, pick him up, throw him up and smile. The main thing is to smile.
“We’ll come to you now and check how you are doing.”
- Yes, they say that start doing, caring, love will come along the way. When I thought about what the most difficult thing about adoption was, I saw that the rights of an adoptive parent seemed to be curtailed compared to natural parenthood.
If you have your own child, you can yell at him, do almost anything with him within some limits. If the child is with the state, it is generally unclear what is happening in the orphanage. And if the child is with a foster parent, an adoptive parent, everyone looks with suspicion. What is it like for adoptive parents to live with such pressure?
- Yes, it's hard. This is truly one of the problems that we have in our society. We had an anecdotal case when one foster mother at the supermarket checkout line put products on the tape, including a bottle of wine. Behind her stood her neighbor, who knew that she was a foster mother, and said: “Can you really?” Like, are you allowed, or what? Some kind of attitude that adoptive parents do not have the right to buy a bottle of wine.
Take their children away from them!
Or, for example, one of our receptionist’s mothers received a call from a nurse from the clinic and said: “Now I’ll come to you and check how you’re caring for your child there.” Mom says: “On what basis? Who are you? You are not an inspection body.” She replies: “Just in case, otherwise you never know.” Or a school, for example, it’s not at all uncommon, as soon as they find out that a child is adopted, they say: “Now we’ll come to you and check how you are doing.”
In fact, for society it should be such a completely open system. If, for example, they now started voting whether or not to install cameras in real time in all foster families, I can assume with a high degree of probability that the majority would vote that, yes, install them. Since they receive some payments and money, then let them report to us, we must monitor them.
— How do adoptive parents survive under these conditions?
- We support each other. We have very good strong parent communities that support each other on all issues - on issues of adaptation of children, on issues of treatment and rehabilitation of children, on issues of organizing interaction with government authorities, with schools, with a variety of institutions.
— We are already finishing, we have been talking for almost an hour, I am ready to talk for another hour, but we have limited time. I wanted to ask about fear. If a person’s leading fear is financial, that he won’t be able to cope, that he won’t cope, what could you advise this person who is now hesitating whether or not to take a child?
— I would suggest finding some community of adoptive parents on the Internet or not, in real life, and going there and talking about this topic. Because it’s best to discuss this not even with guardianship, not with psychologists, but with people who have already walked this path. And then it will be clear how much money is spent on whom and what airbags are needed. How many payments will there be, and what you can count on there and what you can’t. You can have a foster family club on Facebook and come and talk to someone.
— Is there anything else you would like to add, perhaps as a parting word?
- Yes, I wanted to add this. We have created such a wonderful thing for those who are wondering whether they are ready to become a foster parent - an educational program on foster parenting. This is a series of video lectures, there are 16 of them, they are short, about 10 minutes each. You can take them and watch them on You Tube completely free of charge.
This is something that will give an idea of what adopted children are like and how they come to this. This could be a step along the way—whether I go to foster care school or not. This is to help already established adoptive parents refresh their memory, but also to help those who are still at the stage of reflection.
— OK, thank you. We are ending our broadcast. With us was Svetlana Stroganova, a foster mother of many children and the head of the foster families club of the Arithmetic of Good Foundation. We will continue our online broadcasts on Pravmir and continue to talk about the social consequences of economic crises. Come to us, read “Pravmir”, watch “Pravmir”. Thank you for being with us.
“There are no negative emotions, they all serve us for our good”
“Now, when I see mothers who shout at their children or raise their hands at them, I feel sorry not only for these children, but also for the mothers,” Nastya admits. “I don’t beat my children, this is unacceptable for me, but I absolutely understand what this desire is.” When you fall into a passion and have poor control over yourself, only understanding what is happening can hold you back. If you don’t have this skill, you haven’t trained it, then it’s easy to slip into physical violence.
There are socially approved feelings, emotions, the ideal image of a mother, and there are taboo ones. Anger, irritation, aggression are taboo - this is very typical of our society, because we were raised that way.
And very often we hear: “Don’t be angry, don’t cry, don’t scream.” For example, a child cries and is hysterical, and the parents either shout back or turn away - this is rejection. For him, rejection is a disaster, figuratively speaking. And he, in order not to be rejected by the parent, teaches that it is impossible to be angry, it is unsafe, they will not love me.
This is how an emotional scenario is formed. Such a child grows up, and he remains with the inner conviction: you can’t be angry, they won’t accept me. In fact, there are no negative emotions; they all serve us for our good.
They are not like that, they are different...
A child with a urethral vector cannot be commanded. He cannot be praised, but only admired and held responsible...
A child with a visual impairment should not buy hamsters or read fairy tales about Kolobok and Little Red Riding Hood. He needs to be taught to read and express his emotions through empathy for such literary characters as “The Little Match Girl” by H. H. Andersen and Remy from G. Malo’s novel “Without a Family”...
A child with an oral vector needs to be listened to and should not be hit on the lips...
But a child with a muscle vector cannot be sent to sports clubs, but must be taught to work from childhood...
Understand not only what he is like, but also why he is like this; what he needs for full development, and what he should never do; how to communicate and treat him; how to reward and how to punish; how not to scream, not to be offended and not to get annoyed with your own child; and most importantly: how to raise him as a happy and fulfilled person. You can find answers to all these questions at the training on System-Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Here are some of the more than 10,000 reviews from people who completed the training:
“We have lived for so many years in tension, in despair and hopelessness: our son is sliding into the abyss, and we can do nothing to help. And now we have the strength not to be discouraged, not to sit in a stupor (for my husband according to A.), not to rush around the rooms (for me according to K.), we get out of stress more easily, we get things done, we started visiting again and plans for the future we are building... Yesterday I went to see a psychologist. In his condition, it is simply necessary - to linger on the edge, find a fulcrum, feel your strength. And only then slowly move away from the edge and return to this beautiful, multifaceted and endless spark of light in the darkness called LIFE.”
Nataliag. Samara
Read the full text of the result
“I couldn’t even imagine how fragile the psyche is in our children. We are different. We are smaller and stronger. Our children are special. This is a special generation. And too much depends on their development and condition. No matter how it turns out that it’s too late. After all, there is always a seditious thought in my head - I know how to raise children correctly, I somehow grew up and didn’t kill anyone. And he didn’t kill himself. This is mistake! You can’t measure everyone by yourself... I really hope that the time will come and my son himself will write here about his own result..."
Tatyana, designer. Vladivostok
Read the full text of the result
“My eldest daughter turns out to be with sound. All the time she tries to hide in her room, run away from me, not talk to her, nothing, everything irritates her. But it turns out that all you have to do is talk to her quietly, smoothly, calmly, and she begins to listen to you and doesn’t run anywhere and is happy to make contact and can have a heart-to-heart talk with me for a long time. All you need to do is turn down the volume of your “loudspeaker”. Thank you, Yuri! I thought that I would never be able to communicate with my daughter. I thought there was something wrong with her, but it turned out that it wasn’t her! Naturally, the irritation with her and her behavior went away.”
Irina, chief accountant Usolye
Read the full text of the result
The most important thing is to remember that it is never too late to start learning to understand yourself and your children. The result will be in any case. But sooner is better than later.
Reasons for hating children
In medicine and psychology there is such a thing as misopedia. This term is of Greek origin and consists of two words - “hatred” and “child”. It would seem completely natural to love your child and experience only feelings for him that fill the soul with joy. But in reality sometimes it turns out differently. You can often see a picture where a mother yells at her child, maybe spanking her and “caressing” her with abusive words. And how often in our times does a psychoanalyst hear from a woman who comes to an appointment: “I hate my child. What to do?". What are the reasons for this behavior, where do these feelings come from?
All problems that arise in adult life originate from childhood. If parents did not give enough attention and care to their child, then all is lost. How can a person love who does not know what it is? Many women complain that they simply don’t know how to show this feeling, they understand with their minds, but their hearts are silent. Lack of affection and care leads to emptiness, and it is filled with hatred. That is, it dates back to the time of the formation of childhood grievances. They are the ones who prevent a woman from becoming a happy person and enjoying the feeling of motherhood.
Despotic behavior of parents, ridicule and various humiliating actions, preoccupation with oneself, inattention to problems - this is a short list of reasons why a woman hates children, is irritated by the behavior of her own, or does not want to have them at all. Recently, very often you can meet couples who claim that they will be much more comfortable and better without children. There is even a whole movement in society that preaches the value and quality of life without children. It is believed that it is precisely such adults who are susceptible to developing hatred towards children.
Another reason for a woman’s statement “I hate my child” is dislike, lack of support from her husband and, again, parents (grandparents). In other words, mom is left alone with her problems. And the words “A mother should...” will not help here. This often only makes negative feelings worse. She needs support, she must also understand that she is loved. Kids can’t give this yet, they just seem to demand it. These are the functions of the husband, and it is he who must give his wife proper support. Among other things, the reason may be a woman’s inflated demands on herself, thoughts about her inconsistency with the image of an ideal mother. As a result, hatred arises for the child and for oneself.
Of course, postpartum psychosis plays an important role, which doctors, psychologists, and society are talking about more and more. This phenomenon occupies a separate place in our article.
What is the main problem of motherhood?
In 2022, an article appeared online: The happiness of motherhood or “I want to go out the window.”
It quickly became a topic of online debate. The article is not an article, rather a journalistic selection in LiveJournal of real and terrible stories of young mothers who share with “friends in misfortune” the pain of life and thoughts about all this in one of the groups in “Contact”.
These stories, as one, are shocking both in content and form, in most cases reaching the point of obscenity. The outpourings of women traumatized by motherhood make one think:
Why is the birth of a child such a pain? Why are connections with your spouse lost and destroyed? How to prevent motherhood from turning into horror?
Psychologist Ekaterina Burmistrova :
– Stories about horror in front of a screaming child, about an inactive husband, about total fatigue - these are absolutely true stories. I've been working with them for twenty-one years. There are no general recipes here; each case is special. But there is a conclusion: the modern woman is absolutely not ready for motherhood. And you need to think about this a lot.
What is the most important problem of motherhood? The isolation in which a person finds himself.
In every post, in every message, we see and hear the theme of loneliness and the reproach that no one helps, no one supports. Previously, a woman at the stage of mastering motherhood was supported by a large family. It's different now. Either the relatives are far away, or the relationship with them is terrible, or there is simply no trust.
Ekaterina Burmistrova, psychologist. Photo: facebook.com/psyhologburmistrova
This is our modern reality: those who are close are not close. You cannot turn to them for support, either physical or emotional.
When a woman gives birth to a child, her old social ties are severed, she falls out of context, and often cannot resort to family ties. At the same time, there is no information vacuum. Everyone is on social networks. For what? To get a surrogate of communication.
– Are there any factors in a woman’s life that can predict a difficult motherhood experience?
– There are many factors here: what kind of sensitivity a woman has, whether she was loved/unloved in childhood, whether she had a wanted/unwanted child, what the marriage relationship was like, how the pregnancy went, and even what the birth history was, not to mention the postpartum recovery period.
That is, every time there is a different story. And for each woman there are individual ways of helping. You can’t cope alone; you need to talk about your attitude towards the child with those who can help, with specialists. After all, shouting on social networks is simply a burst of emotions.
But it is a fact that more than half of women experience motherhood as described in this article. If a woman experiences life crises vividly, she will also experience the birth of a child in crisis.
After all, in fact, these terrible stories are not about “motherhood”, not about women, but about loneliness, lack of support, when there is no one around or they don’t hear you, they don’t see you.
Or a woman is unable to form such a relationship so that you are seen and heard.
This story is not even about children, it is about people’s relationships.
But telling me, as a psychologist, in an interview format, about how to help some mother who “hates her child” would be unprofessional. What mom needs here is not a lecture, not correction of her “mistakes,” or even advice. We need deep work with a person, not only at the level of words and attitudes, but at the level of the most hidden feelings.
And it is important that the mother is ready and wants this herself. I dared not just to shout online about my horror of motherhood (and then, perhaps, forget about it), but also decided to do serious research: why is this like this for me? Such problems cannot be solved with a “pill” - they take it and it goes away, but the person he was remains the same. And if the person himself is not ready to change, his attitude towards the child may also not change.
How can a mother's hatred of her child be expressed?
In modern society, where people often talk about the rights of the child, it is not customary to express negativity towards him. That's why people who hate children often keep silent about it. Many are even afraid to admit to themselves such an internal problem, and only a few declare it openly. It can be argued that the problem voiced is already half solved.
Hatred towards a child is expressed in a sadistic approach to the child. This behavior does not necessarily take physical forms: you can cause pain with words, actions
Many mothers are adamant in their “I said it!”, and it doesn’t matter what the request is behind it. Fathers often state: “The wife hates the child”
They draw such conclusions by looking at how she talks to her child, how she cares for and forgives his pranks, what she allows and what she stops, and how she does it - rudely or wisely, with love. Of course, raising children with permissiveness is wrong. But there are often requests to which you can and should say “yes.” However, mothers with strong stubbornness, often surpassing their child in this, repeat “no.” But this word is a negation of all existence. “No” must be said, avoiding sharp corners, explaining the reasons. The child learns to live, he cannot understand everything and immediately accept on faith one word from his mother. The mother is given to the child for learning; she must help him grow as a person. This is her child, but it does not belong entirely to her. A woman gave life, and the mere awareness of this purpose should please her.
Flash mob that opened your eyes
In 2016, mother of two children, neonatologist Anna Levadnaya launched a flash mob on Instagram #I am not an ideal mother. Hundreds of confessions of “terrible” maternal sins poured onto the Internet. Someone wrote that they allow children to play with a toilet brush, someone wrote that they do not follow the routine and do not iron children’s things, someone wrote that they hide from the child in the closet.
Anastasia Kritskaya
mother of two, burnout consultant
“The idea is cool, but I expected it to be more about emotions,” admits Anastasia Kritskaya , mother of two children, consultant on emotional burnout. “It seems to me that in this context it is important to talk about something else: it can be bad, sometimes it can be so bad that you want to hit your child, leave the house, close the doors and not come back at all.”
Anastasia runs the blog “Mom Doesn’t Follow the Rules,” psychological support groups for mothers, and advises on the topics of emotional burnout, finding one’s own resources, and self-realization. She says that the topics themselves found her, because at one time she had to go through the same path.
