Love or war? Why do we quarrel with our partner and how to fix it

Usually, after a conflict situation or scandal, many people feel depressed, realizing that in general these scenes could have been avoided. Each quarrel, one way or another, leaves its mark on the relationship, and it is in our power to make sure that when remembering communication with us, our loved ones experience predominantly positive emotions.

It is very important to feel when a person is on the edge or when you yourself can barely restrain yourself, so as not to throw out the accumulated negativity on your interlocutor. If you nip a scandal in the bud, then it will be easier for you to realize that you have avoided a serious quarrel. However, your opponent will probably be able to appreciate your wisdom and flexibility in overcoming dangerous topics.

First road. Your partner doesn't meet your expectations

We come into relationships with “pictures” and images that we take from our family, from communicating with friends, from films like “Pretty Woman”. We figure out what our partner should be like. There is nothing wrong with the pictures themselves, but problems arise if fantasies and life do not coincide. When the partner is different, real, not a prince or a hero, but a living person.

How to avoid this road?

Stop running away from reality. Admit the facts, for example: “Yes, my husband is not ambitious and is content with an average income” or “Yes, my wife does not like to cook.”
Learn to present constructively instead of attacks and accusations. Not “You are a bad husband”, but “I would be glad if sometimes a hot breakfast was waiting for me on the table, for me this would mean care on your part.”
Discuss together whether it is possible to change in the desired direction. And if possible, then learn to support each other in these changes. Share how important this is to you, how inspiring and empowering it is.
If change is not possible, accept everything as is or decide what to do next. Lean on what your partner gives you, not on what he doesn't give you. But if it's critical, ask yourself: "What will I do about it?"

Psychology of relationships

Why do both friends and girlfriends sometimes fight?

Oddly enough, many people are usually more tolerant of the shortcomings of friends and girlfriends than of their other halves. However, even long-time comrades are sometimes forced to face conflict situations. Often their cause can be the opposite sex. And yet, this reason more often appears in the company of very young people, or if the friendship began recently. True friends usually put friendship above fleeting acquaintances and affairs, of course, unless we are talking about the love of their life.

Often, the cause of conflicts among friends and girlfriends can be a money issue. When one friend always invests more in some feast, meetings and various events, this situation begins to upset and irritate him. Subsequently, one person begins to feel that he is being taken advantage of, and the second believes that the offended person regretted something for him, which turns into a conflict.

Frequent quarrels with parents

Most often, young people quarrel with their parents because they are overly protective of them and are trying to somehow influence their decisions. There may be a flip side - an adult son or daughter decides that their parents provide them with too little financial support and attention. In both cases, it is not difficult to understand the parents.

Moms and dads who want to be an integral part of their son or daughter's life simply cannot or do not want to move to another level of relationship. They are used to being mentors for their children, they liked this role, and they do not imagine that this can somehow be changed, and in general they do not see the point in this, because they “have much more life experience”! If you have such parents, you should be more tolerant of this, and not start a riot - such behavior is typical of unintelligent children, and it means that you, without meaning to, have accepted rules that do not suit you. Communicate gently with your parents, do not tell them details that they do not need to know. Sometimes accept their advice as adults accept the advice of other adults. If you fundamentally disagree with something, calmly ask them not to worry, ask them to trust you, noting that you will solve this problem yourself.

In the second case, when it seems to you that your parents could have taken more part in your life, most likely you are wrong. Don’t be selfish, because, most likely, your mother or father devoted many years to your upbringing, and now they have a completely understandable desire to live for their own pleasure. Perhaps their parents did the same. As a rule, in order to raise a child, people have to sacrifice a lot. Many children, having grown up, try to help their parents, realizing that now they are much weaker than their adult children. Others expect that their parents will continue to devote their lives to them, “give them the best pieces.” Be kind to your parents, give them a break and appreciate all the benefits of communicating with adult, independent children.

Why do husband and wife fight?

Spouses may have many reasons for sorting things out. It doesn't have to be some serious reason, like cheating. Sometimes, a woman can be provoked into a scandal for seemingly harmless reasons. Yes, as a rule, women are the initiators of quarrels, which certainly does not look good on them. When conflicts occur at the instigation of a man, especially for domestic reasons, this is not a very good sign - often such husbands are later called despots and tyrants.

Spouses often quarrel due to dissatisfaction in their sex life. Husband and wife turn out to have different temperaments or one of the couple is dissatisfied with sex with the other, so marital duty is fulfilled less and less often. If this problem has appeared in your family, despite the fact that it did not exist before, then you need to identify its true causes. A woman may simply not have an orgasm with a man because he does not devote enough time to foreplay, and the act itself does not last long. A spouse who is not a sensitive lover may not even understand the reason for this behavior. The wife needs to have a serious conversation with her chosen one and explain what exactly does not suit her. If the husband does not want to listen, then, most likely, such a marriage is doomed.

A man, in turn, may be dissatisfied with his wife’s lack of initiative, considering his intimate life with her insipid and uninteresting. Such conclusions can lead to the appearance of a mistress. Often, intimate intimacy begins to occur less and less between spouses when one of them is no longer satisfied with the appearance of their partner.

Many couples would live in perfect harmony if it were not for hated everyday issues. Reluctance to make concessions to each other and a clear division of responsibilities into women's and men's often lead to big problems in the family. Women who work equally with their husbands, but are also forced to take on the lion's share of household chores, feel especially disadvantaged. If this is your case, then explain to your husband that because... If you work, then the distribution of household responsibilities should be equal - whoever managed to do it, did it. A truly loving and caring husband will understand and support you.

Why do children fight?

Mostly children's quarrels are provoked by rivalry or childish envy. If we are talking about your children, then you should do everything possible not to single out one of your children. Many parents make a big mistake by dividing their children into “oldest” and “younger”, while the demand from the first is, as a rule, always higher. The worst thing is that, feeling such injustice, the older child carries this feeling into adulthood, and his relationship with his parents usually becomes rather cool. Younger children, in turn, often grow up to be selfish, and parents begin to regret their loyalty in raising them, and only then see their main mistakes.

Try not to get involved in harmless children's fights by taking sides - let the children learn to resolve their conflicts themselves and make peace. Try not to make your child jealous of his brother, sister or other children. He must understand that he is no worse than others. If he wants a toy “like Petya’s” that you don’t have money for, offer him an interesting alternative.

Second road. There is no support in your relationship

For example, a wife came home upset and talked about a conflict at work, but her husband did not support her: “What did you want? It’s my own fault!” But both couples need support. We are not able to be strong 100% of the time, sometimes we need help from another person. We feel safe when we can lick our wounds next to our partner.

How to avoid this road?

Give others and yourself the “right to deficit.” It is important to see your partner, when he feels bad, as just a person - alive, sad, weak. And become his support at this moment.
Constructively voice a request for support: “Please support me!” If you need help, ask for it - we should not and cannot read each other's minds.
Find out from each other what support is for each. For some it’s tea with raspberries and dinner, for others it’s an opportunity to talk, do something around the house or get a massage. Go through the options through experimentation.

Quarrel saves you from boredom

Even if you've been living together for several years, there will always be things you don't agree on. And that's not a bad thing: constructive conflict can ignite your relationship and make it more exciting.

Just imagine how boring your love will be if you always agree with each other! So don't panic when you feel like a fight might break out between you and your loved one. Instead, try to make it useful for the relationship and future life together.

Third road. You want different things

He wants children, she doesn't. He wants sex at night, she wants sex in the morning. He wants a motorcycle, she wants a new apartment. Our interests sometimes contradict each other - this is natural. We are different!

People are often afraid of this: “If we don’t want the same thing, we’re not on the same path, we’re not suitable for each other!” But a conflict of interests in itself does not make us enemies. But the way we resolve conflicts of interest either brings the couple together or separates them.

How to avoid this road?

Give up the desire to win. And in general, give up the war in relationships, the desire to prove, “bend in”, and convince. You are not on the battlefield, you are the closest people to each other.
Be prepared to hear the other person. For example, why doesn’t he want a child in the family? What is he afraid of?
The life of your couple is your common task. You both want to be happy. And it is necessary to divide areas of responsibility, to establish a balance between “taking” and “giving”. You invest yours, your partner contributes his.

It is necessary to clarify and agree, to find the balance that is right for your couple. For example, in a traditional family: “If you are responsible for making money, then I will provide comfort.”

"One of us often ignores the other"

Completely ignoring your partner is a very bad behavior strategy.

It's worth noting that conspicuously ignoring another person is not the same as saying, "I'm really angry, so I need to take a break to calm down." According to Torrisi, many people confuse these things, so they resist the idea of breathing space before resolving a conflict. But there is a big difference between these two types of behavior. In one case, we show respect and act fairly. In another, we don’t care and we just want to punish our partner.

Ignoring is often used for manipulation. This is an example of denial of emotional connection and a type of revenge - an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. This behavior often means the end of a relationship, as it implies that one partner no longer wants to deal with the common problem.

Fourth road. You constantly argue about the same things

A couple has resource zones - common interests, love, home. And several pain points that cause controversy: money, sex or, for example, homeopathy. When you manage not to step on them, everything is fine. But as long as you don’t talk about these topics, tension accumulates, due to which someday there will be an “explosion”. What people don’t discuss and keep silent grows deep into relationships, intensifies and becomes toxic.

How to avoid this road?

Say what you don't like. And offer your own version of how this situation can be resolved differently.
Listen to the other person. This means: do not interrupt, do not persuade, do not argue. Listen and try to understand his picture of the world, take his place. It's difficult, but you need to practice.
Learn to talk together. It is impossible to build a happy family life in silence. Create a safe atmosphere for dialogue and eliminate attacks and tantrums. Tell them that conversations are critical to you. Just like sex, cooking food or paying rent.

A fight reveals your passion

Some couples actually enjoy intense arguments because they increase their hormone levels. These people understand on a subconscious level that a quarrel is a sign of their passion, and reconciliation after it will allow it to grow.

If you want to see your relationship strong and prosperous, you need to let your emotions go from time to time instead of holding them in. But remember to end any arguments in a positive way.

Fifth road. It seems love has passed

Love is a free feeling. They are difficult to manage. It is impossible to come to an agreement with him. It’s a very scary question to ask yourself after 10-20 years of marriage: “If we don’t have love, why are we together?” But if there is love and it is mutual, then it can become an excellent assistant in the fight against difficulties.

How to avoid this road?

Remember: you are equal. Your opinion and your partner's opinion are equally valid. Your needs are just as important as your partner's needs.
You have the right to be yourself in your relationship. Respect means accepting another person's right to be who they are. Being yourself means experiencing your own feelings, and not focusing on your partner’s feelings. See the world differently, think differently, want your own. It is under this condition that intimacy arises - the most important quality of a partnership: “I can be with you as I am.”
Your relationship should be free from violence - physical and psychological. “I am a separate free person, and you can only be and treat me with love. And we can do the same with you.”

Relationships are work. And if you both work on them, it helps you get closer and overcome any obstacles on the path to happiness. On one condition - if you both want it.

Why do people quarrel on vacation?

According to a study by English scientists, during a joint vacation, 60% of couples quarrel for one reason or another. The cause of conflicts can be anything: any little thing like the lack of air conditioning in the room or not enough blue water in the pool.

Based on such data, the English psychologist Trevor Jellis, author of the book “The Ideal Vacation Syndrome,” deduced a paradoxical law: it turns out that free time, unfilled and not overshadowed by anything, awakens all the worst in a person!

Reason 1. Too much “concentration” of a loved one

“We will be just the two of us all the time - you and me!”, you admire and... Three days later you no longer know where to get away from your loved one... Why does this happen? “People go on vacation with a living person, and not with a role figure like a “husband” or “girlfriend,” explains an English psychologist.

– And as practice shows, most people project role expectations onto their partner’s behavior. But if the spouse did not strive to spend time with the children on weekdays, he will not play beach volleyball with them on vacation. What in ordinary life was “diluted” by everyday issues or rare communication, appears in all its glory on vacation, explains English psychologist Trevor Jellis

Reason 2. My stress is your enemy

The problem is also aggravated by the fact that we usually reach the pre-vacation finish line, as they say, with our last breath. “Today we work more than ever and take fewer vacations. By the time we finally pack our bags, we feel tired and irritable, which is a great breeding ground for arguments,” explains Jellis.

He recommends not breaking off on the first day, but taking a break for a day at home and getting ready to relax.

And when you arrive at the resort, for the first couple of days you need to sleep well, eat with appetite and have a relaxing massage. Today we work more than ever and take fewer vacations. By the time we finally pack our bags, we feel tired and irritable, which is an excellent breeding ground for quarrels, explains the psychologist.

A vacation, even a long-awaited one, is stressful for the body.

“Any disruption to our usual routine can unsettle us and make us irritated over trifles. Be careful on the third day of rest: it is fraught with mental and physical crises. Depression also awaits you on the 7th and 10th day of rest,” warns the psychologist.

Reason 3. Honey, we need to talk!

According to psychologists, this terrible phrase is heard twice as often on vacation as in everyday life. Women tend to believe that vacation is an ideal time to clarify all the accumulated mutual complaints, become closer to each other and discuss plans for the future.

Plenty of time, no worries - when else can you talk to your heart's content? But men associate such a pastime with being dragged on the boss’s carpet, and not with a well-deserved rest from worries. So the chance to “sort things out” is quite high - but they, your relationship, after clarification, may end forever...

Reason 4. Imbalance of expectations

You dreamed of the scenario “palm trees, restaurants and me - all in something airy,” and he - “beer, fishing rods and sleep until lunch.” Even if in the end you come to some kind of compromise (for example, a 3-star hotel with plastic palm trees in Skadovsk and the opportunity to sleep until dinner, because there is nothing else to do there anyway), the bitterness of unfulfilled hopes remains in your soul. And since there is a lot of free time, but nothing to do, irritation spills over into quarrels and mutual accusations.

Another unpleasant vacation surprise can be comparing your life partner (and sometimes yourself) with other vacationing representatives of the stronger sex. This could be either disappointment in his appearance (a beer belly over shorts has never graced anyone) or the realization that your style of living together is far from ideal.

“In a hotel you see the relationship between couples more clearly than in ordinary life. - explains the psychologist. — What is usually hidden behind the walls of apartments often happens on vacation in full view of others. You see that someone’s husband is attentive to his wife or enjoys playing with the children - and you draw conclusions that are not in favor of your own life partner.”

Reason 5. When finance sings romances

The financial issue is also important: with the rise in price of holidays, we have to work hard to organize it the way we would like.

And accordingly, we crave full return on every hryvnia invested. When the “paradise” promised by the travel agency turns out to be a dusty village with an unreasonably expensive hotel, it’s hard to hide your disappointment. And sometimes it spills out onto fellow travelers.

Is it possible to relax and not quarrel with your companion to smithereens? The mission is feasible, says the psychologist. And this will be helped by a sober understanding of why you are irritated.

Reconciliation

If a scandal has already occurred, the question always arises of how to return to the previous relationship after a quarrel. The truce will depend on how much each partner needs it. If both want it, it will be quick and non-traumatic. If only one person makes contact, he will eventually get tired of it - separation is inevitable. If both are too proud to ask for forgiveness, a breakup will occur soon.

What can you do to restart your relationship after a fight:

ask for forgiveness (if you are to blame);
calmly discuss the painful problem, find a solution and not return to it;
arrange a reconciliation dinner;
stun your partner with good news so that he forgets about the quarrel: “I’m pregnant,” “Marry me,” “I bought a chinchilla,” “I love you” (if this is the first declaration of love);
make a gift (from simple but romantic daisies to the latest iPhone model);
write an SMS or a note, record a video.

In fact, there are a huge number of ways of reconciliation. Many factors matter when choosing:

The partner’s character: some will only be reconciled after a gorgeous bouquet, while for others a compliment is enough.
Age of relationship: young people need romance with dinner on the roof, and older people can make peace over a cup of tea and bagels.
Degree of guilt: you can simply ask for forgiveness for a broken vase, but for the dented bumper of your husband’s favorite “swallow” this will clearly not be enough.
The scope of the quarrel: if it was just a heated argument, making peace can be easier and faster, and after a scandal that all the neighbors heard, it takes some time to calm down.

If you want to renew your relationship, take all these points into account. Remember that every couple is unique. What worked for Vicky and Vasya may turn out to be absolutely useless in your case. Look for the best ways, but never delay the truce. A day is the maximum for a person to come to his senses, calm down and be ready to build bridges.