“You did great, you did everything just wonderful!” It would be nice to hear only such words. But in reality, rarely does a day go by without criticism. They make comments to us at work, at home, in transport, and anywhere. Since criticism cannot be avoided, you need to learn how to respond to it correctly. In this article we will look in detail at how to respond to criticism addressed to you.
Why do criticism hurt us?
Criticism makes us feel that our efforts are not appreciated, and that we ourselves are considered worse than we are. This causes negative emotions - anger, resentment. This reaction is inherent in nature.
But you shouldn't give in to emotions. We all know stories when one remark leads to a fight, family scandal or dismissal from work. In order to avoid getting into unpleasant situations, you need to know how to properly respond to criticism addressed to you. Moreover, criticism can be very useful. It can point out objective shortcomings and help prevent these mistakes in the future.
Most of all, criticism hurts perfectionists and people who are not very confident.
- Perfectionists strive to be perfect and do everything A+ the first time. But this doesn’t happen in life, and you need to try to take it for granted. Absolutely everyone makes mistakes, there’s nothing wrong with that. Moreover, shortcomings noticed by someone are a unique opportunity for development. After all, next time you will take into account the comments and will not allow them.
- People who are not very confident in themselves may take comments negatively personally. On the one hand, low self-esteem stimulates them to move forward and develop. But worries due to criticism take a lot of mental strength and can hinder development. Therefore, it is important to know how to react correctly to criticism so that it is only beneficial and does not unsettle you.
Rule 6 - Get rid of the mindset that you have to be perfect
Let go of the belief that you have to be perfect and your work has to be perfect the first time. If everyone did their job perfectly, there would be no need for teamwork, meetings, and the exchange of ideas. People are forced to support each other, discuss the results of joint work, make suggestions and point out mistakes. Even the most senior leaders do not make important decisions alone. Because they know that every person makes mistakes.
Learn to be calm about your mistakes and shortcomings. No matter how hard you try to do something, no matter how ambitious goals you set for yourself, no matter how reverently you treat your tasks, there will always be room for error and imperfection. We are all human and we are all limited by our knowledge, experience, and beliefs. And the more we think about being perfect, the further we push perfection away from ourselves! What we fear eventually becomes our reality! By rejecting criticism, by rejecting everything that does not correspond to our idealized ideas about ourselves, about our work, we refuse to learn. We refuse to become better. We refuse to move towards perfection. The resilience of our illusions and shaky ideas about ourselves becomes more important to us than any development.
I will talk about how destructive these attitudes can be in the next paragraph, giving an example from life.
Types of criticism
Criticism can be fair, partly fair and unfair. Let's look at the different types and then look at how to adequately respond to criticism at work, at home and anywhere.
| Type of criticism | Example | Signs |
| Fair | There were typos in the text about interior design, be careful. (There were indeed typos). | The criticism is justified - there were typos in the text. |
| Partially fair | There are always a lot of typos in your texts. (There were typos in one text, but not in others). | The criticism is partly justified - there were indeed typos in one text. But the generalization “there are always a lot of typos” is not justified. |
| Unfair | There are always a lot of typos in your texts. (There were no typos). | There were no typos - the criticism was not justified. |
How to understand whether criticism is fair or not?
- Delve into the essence of the critical remark; it is not always clear right away, especially when it comes to emotions. Ask clarifying questions if you cannot understand what exactly the problem is. Separate the other person's emotions from the facts. Just put aside your emotions. Focus on the facts.
- Find out if the criticism is justified. Perhaps the person looked at your work diagonally, made the wrong conclusions, misunderstood something, or simply didn’t see it. Ask additional questions, ask the interlocutor to specify the problem. For example, indicate exactly where he noticed the error.
- If the answer to the validity of the criticism is ambiguous, gather more opinions. The majority opinion will help you understand how objective the critic is in his assessment.
- Ask yourself why the person is criticizing you, what is his goal. If this is your friend or loved one, he probably really wants to help. If this is a colleague with whom you constantly compete, he may be disingenuous.
- Generalizations (“you are a bad worker”, “you don’t understand anything”), getting personal (criticism not of a specific action, but of your personality) are always unfair.
Rule 7 - Don’t argue with other people’s impressions, listen to them
A few years ago, on one forum, I saw a request from one participant to evaluate his online project. The idea for the site was interesting. But the implementation was at a very low level: small font, lack of paragraphs, confusing style of presenting information, difficulty with navigation, completely unsightly design, lack of optimization.
Critics voiced all these shortcomings, showed examples of successful sites and made suggestions on how and what needs to be corrected for the site to become popular. That is, the criticism was aimed more at helping than at denigrating the work of this person.
But the author of the site stubbornly disagreed with the criticism. He said that the font and navigation were actually fine and the site didn't need any improvement. And the critics, in his opinion, were simply mistaken in their assessments.
But you can never be wrong in your impression! If your work has a repulsive effect on someone, then that effect is what it is. If someone says that they are uncomfortable reading the text on your presentation or their eyes are strained by the colors of your design, then they are most likely not deceiving you. Yes, this impression may change over time, but now it is exactly like that and, most likely, for a reason. If you do work for people, and not to admire it alone, then it makes even more sense to listen to people’s opinions.
The author of the site I was talking about could have listened to the opinions of those who were trying to help him make the site better for the public and, perhaps, win over his loyal readers. But in order to do this, he needed to get rid of the mindset that the result of his many months of work had to be perfect. But he was convinced of the correctness of his assessment, that he knew everything better than other people, whose impressions were “wrong,” and no one except him could evaluate his work. From the very beginning, he did not want criticism, despite his request. He only wanted to receive praise for the work done. And he sacrificed a potentially successful project to his ego and stubbornness. His website no longer exists.
How to respond to fair criticism?
Fair criticism is of great value. It is she who helps you grow as a professional and as a person. To benefit from criticism, follow these tips:
- Agree with the criticism. Speak calmly and kindly, without unnecessary apologies and self-accusations, but also without arrogance.
- Do not give in to emotions, even if your interlocutor is seething. Carefully steer the conversation in a constructive direction. Ask questions, offer a solution to the problem.
Example 1.
Client: you didn’t understand the topic at all when you wrote the text!
You: please clarify what factual errors are in the text? I relied on product reviews that are available in open sources. They may not reflect all the important features of the product.
Client: Product A is not compatible with Product B!
You: I understand, I will correct this information. Are there any other factual errors in the text?
Client: apparently not, but about compatibility needs to be fixed!!!
You: yes, I’ll correct the text within an hour and send it to you.
Explanation: The client noticed an error that really upset him. Perhaps the client's reaction is not entirely adequate. But there really is a mistake. It needs to be fixed.
Example 2.
Client: you missed all the deadlines. How is this possible, I was waiting for work earlier!
You: yes, I sent the first part of the layouts a day later. But this will not affect the deadline for all layouts; they will be ready by September 20. You can break the work into smaller steps. For example, I will send the next 5 layouts by the 10th.
Client: yes, send by the 10th!
Explanation: you missed the deadline, this is really a problem. Since it is clear from the conversation that the client is very scrupulous about the timing of the project, offer to deliver the work in stages to make him feel more relaxed.
Rule 12 - Don't get involved in pointless arguments
Try to listen to criticism if it is reasonable, and simply ignore it if it is not true. This will save you time and nerves. In my article “how to stop arguing” I wrote the following. When a person argues, his mind is completely focused on attacking his opponent or defending his own point of view. He is not interested in the truth, he either defends himself or attacks, being unable to understand and perceive. This prevents you from benefiting from criticism and improving, and also gives rise to many unpleasant emotions.
Of course, meaningless disputes should be avoided, but this does not mean that in situations where the public is waiting for your answer, you should silently accept any, even the most unfair criticism. Sometimes you still need to pay attention to the shortcomings of criticism or its inconsistency with its subject.
How to respond to unfair criticism?
Here, a lot depends on who exactly is criticizing you and how important your relationship with this person is.
Let's consider different options:
- Switch your interlocutor from emotions to facts. Ask what exactly you don’t like. Ask alternative questions.
- Calmly “return” criticism. For example, say: “I don’t think your comment is fair.”
- “Rephrase” criticism in a constructive way. For example, if they tell you: “You always miss deadlines!”, answer: “Yes, I submitted this work a day after the deadline.”
- Draw the interlocutor's attention to the weak points in the criticism, its illogicality and groundlessness.
- React with humor. “Yes, I am like that, I’m surprised how the earth still carries me!” This is a great option on how to stop reacting to unfair criticism.
- Let it fall on deaf ears. Especially if these are the words of a random passerby or driver in a nearby car.
How to ignore unfair criticism?
It happens that someone constantly picks on you for no reason. In this case, a possible response option is ignoring. For example, use the “aquarium” psychological technique. Imagine that you are behind glass, and the offensive words of your opponent do not reach you. Without listening, nod, assent, and at the same time continue to do it your way. This option is more suitable for everyday situations.
But there is a bolder and more effective technique. Ask directly - “Why do you constantly make comments to me?” If the purpose of criticizing a person is manipulation (he wants to make you feel guilty, incompetent) - with such a question you will reveal the manipulation, and in the future it will become impossible.
Example 1.
Client: the text needs to be rewritten, it’s terrible! Have you even read it yourself?
You: please clarify what exactly you don’t like in the text?
Client: I’m not happy with everything!
You: please look at the title of the text, do you have any suggestions regarding it?
Client: no!
You: first paragraph of text? Does anything need to be fixed in it?
Client: no, don't!
You: let's look at the second paragraph to see if anything needs to be edited here.
Client: okay, leave it like that already.
Explanation: the client did not like something, but he cannot say what exactly. Or he's just in a bad mood. Or he didn't want to pay for the work. Be that as it may, the client cannot formulate the reason for the dissatisfaction, which means that the criticism can hardly be called fair.
Example 2.
Client: fellow programmer, you are doing a sloppy job!
You: please clarify what you weren’t happy with at work? All functions specified in the technical specifications are ready and working correctly.
Client: where is the commenting on the site? There is no such function at all!
You: adding a commenting function was not in the technical specifications. If it is necessary, it can be implemented, the cost will be about X rubles, it will take approximately a week.
Explanation: the client simply did not fully understand your work. This happens often. It is necessary to explain (or remind) what is included in the service and what is not.
Rule 11 - Consult statistics
Criticism is often subjective. Instead of losing your peace of mind because of the opinion of a single person, think about what other people think about the subject of criticism? If someone criticized your work, find out how your other colleagues rated it. If someone has criticized you personally, remember what your friends think of you. They communicate with you, love and respect you despite all your shortcomings. You can also ask yourself, what do you think about yourself and your work? You also have a great right to vote and participate in these statistics! Often we worry so much about another person's opinion that we forget to ask ourselves what we really think about it.
Opinions can be subjective, we all know this very well, but we do not use this knowledge. Thousands of laudatory reviews about us and our work can pass us by unnoticed. But one single negative review can deprive us of our mood for whole days! But such reviews will inevitably arise, especially if your work is evaluated by many people. (Remember Aristotle’s aphorism at the beginning of the article?) This is natural. You can't be perfect. You can't please everyone.
Dealing with criticism and lack of self-confidence
Confidence and self-esteem is certainly one of the factors that influences your tolerance for comments on your actions or words. If you are a very successful (see Psychology of Success) and famous person, and someone tells you that you are a failure, then you will think that this person cannot judge others and is just trying to boost his self-esteem. It's very unlikely that you will think that you are defective, right?
The more confident you become, the less likely it is that any negative comments will affect you.
