How to respond to rudeness - features and recommendations of a psychologist

September 7, 2018
Psychology of communication
Alex Reimers

Rudeness in everyday life is not just annoying, but for hours and days it forces you to remain in a state of anger and even powerlessness, when an unexpected impudent attack confuses you and a person does not have time to respond in time. Sometimes more is a more serious blow to your well-being. Everyone is taught from childhood that it is wrong to be insolent to an offender, but how to react to rudeness: in a store, on the road, at work, how to react to the rudeness of parents, children and spouses?

Reasons for rudeness

Knowing the etiology is very important in order to have information on how to deal with rudeness. Psychologists have proven that among the most common causes of rude behavior are bad manners and the social and psychological poverty of a boor. Such people also have developed intuition and an instinct for self-preservation (they prefer not to deal with those who are able to protect themselves).

Why you have to deal with rudeness:

Fatigue. Constant stress, problems at work and with sleep, difficulties in relationships are a risk for the emergence of an involuntary conflict situation. Every person, even the calmest and most mentally stable, had to go through this.
Lack of love. Lack of parental attention, love and care creates an angry, self-absorbed personality. Such people are characterized by a strong desire to be noticed, so they constantly become participants in verbal altercations, show disrespect for older people and are rude. In addition, similar consequences are characteristic of another development of events: when parents encourage capriciousness, and the child remembers the effectiveness of the manipulation method.
Poorly developed skill of justifying a view. People who have nothing else to say prefer to get personal in discussions. Vivid examples are indications of the opponent’s external shortcomings, family nuances and problems, income level and other obvious rudeness.
Self-affirmation. As a rule, this line of behavior is popular among people with power in society or a certain circle. A rude person chooses as a victim someone who is inferior to him in some way: strength, beauty, prosperity, and others.

The list of the most popular victims of rudeness includes people:

with low self-esteem;
suspicious;
well-mannered, intelligent;
those who prefer to avoid conflict situations or do not know how to behave in them;
respectful of other people and their feelings.

Universal rules and nuances

Every day, psychologists from all over the world find new, relevant life hacks and recommendations related to how to respond to rudeness. They vary depending on the specific situation, but there are some general ones:

Take it easy. Offensive words, remarks, criticism - all these are the problems of the one who is rude.
Silent departure. This method is mainly useful in contacts with strangers. Nobody knows what to expect from strangers. But sometimes this is also appropriate when acquaintances, colleagues or relatives show rudeness.
Rudeness = habit. Very often, insolent people are chronically rude, under any circumstances: they don’t say hello, they talk loudly, and so on.
Politeness. Boors are by no means brave; they are not accustomed to openness and restraint and are afraid of them.
Good is a weapon. You must try to show condescension and kindness. This is not the same as being patient and turning all cheeks, but it is worth smiling, being polite and asking if the person may need help. Rude people definitely don’t expect this.
Psychological Aikido. The point is to use the enemy's strength against him. You can try to agree with the comments and win.
Humor. Jokes relax and disarm. And if quality humor is accompanied by a smile and praise...
“You almost got it.” Pronounced with irony. Very effective.
"Black list". The universal method is to ignore. Silence is gold, safety and beauty. It is not without reason that popular wisdom says that of two arguing, the one who is smarter is wrong. It is used in cases of unpreparedness for a fight or assumptions about the mental illness or danger of the offender. The most important thing is absolutely no emotions.
"The conversation is over." The ability to maintain dignity when the victim of rudeness feels like he is about to explode. Any pointless dispute is over. And it's better to do it first.
Alienation. Cold courtesy and immediate termination of the conversation. Especially useful at work.
Boring. An excellent life hack for administrators of pages on social networks or various forums. A long, detailed description of rule violations in response to aggression.
No discussion. Firstly, listening and retelling such stories harms the body no less than real experiences (the psyche does not see the difference). Secondly, this is gossip, that is, not for educated and successful people. But if you still happen to become a listener, you need to sympathize and change the topic.
"I love you". For the circle of dearest and dearest people. Depreciates everything that was said before.

Recommendations for drivers

Attentiveness. The best way to understand how to react to rudeness on the road and deal with it is not to be the culprit of rudeness. You must adhere to traffic rules. And in cases of minor violations by other drivers (you didn’t have time to move), there is no need to honk. It is enough to flash the high beams.
Rest. This is especially true for people who frequently use a car. They should take time to take a break and warm up their eyes and whole body. This will also protect you from being a victim of boors.
Stress relief. A spoiler is a much better prevention. After a hard day, psychologists recommend meditation, talking with a loved one (you can complain about the offender), sports or listening to music.
Behavior training. It is not always possible to control life situations. In the event of a clash with a rude person, you should not try to talk to him and prove something. You need to close the doors and windows, and also point the video recorder at the stranger to record his actions. Next, it is important to take care of leaving the scene of the incident. If necessary, it is recommended to call the police.
Save time. It is unlikely that another traffic participant is worth the health and time of the one he is trying to offend. It is worth showing wisdom and avoiding conflict.

Life hacks for spouses

One of the popular conflict problems for women is how to respond to a husband’s rudeness. If this is an exception to the rule, you should be wise, listen and have compassion. Men have many problems: work, money, car repairs, etc. You need to either advise something or remain silent, and also demonstrate love and care, and help you relax. If this is the norm, and the husband ignores attempts to talk and understand the reasons, a radical solution to the problem is quite appropriate. You don’t have to file for divorce right away; you can live separately temporarily. And in no case should you respond to rudeness with rudeness.

It happens that spouses suffer. In such situations, you need to protect yourself by avoiding offense. Sometimes you need to protect your wife too. The most important thing: calmness and no use of force. It is likely that its changes are characteristic of a certain state of the body, then it is best to be attentive and caring. It may be useful to change the environment, spend time alone, and make the woman feel loved and needed. If the behavior is chronic, conversations are needed. Openness and sincerity are the best cures for misunderstandings.

Good people, why are you so angry?

As a rule, boors are people who:

want to assert themselves at the expense of others,
demonstrate their strength on a weaker person, in their opinion
(the consequences of such mistakes can be seen in videos on YouTube with the title “Run into the wrong one...”),
throw out their emotions with the help of the conflict that they provoke with rudeness.

Most often, these are emotional people who first do something and then think. Also, the cause of rudeness can be problems and complexes originating from childhood or adolescence.

How should parents react?

Parents of teenagers often have to wonder how to react to their child’s rudeness. This is a problem for almost every family. It is wrong to devalue a teenager’s difficulties by comparing them with global ones. The child's problems are currently the most important thing for him, and the best thing a father or mother can do is to become a helper.

It is useful to remember yourself as a teenager and, based on these facts, choose methods. If the situation is heating up and the child is unable to stop, it is time for decisive action. The plan should be selected individually. The main thing is the desire to understand what is too much or not enough. For example, you could try occupational therapy, specifically traveling wild. Extreme situations bring people closer together; in addition, the teenager will have to face survival, which can cause a rethinking of behavior and life, a different view of the family and growing up.

Tips for work

Again, everyone had to think about how to respond to rudeness at work. People spend about a third of their day there.

If we are talking about colleagues, then first of all it is important to present yourself correctly: as a friendly person who should not be insulted. There is a high risk of encountering rudeness among black sheep (this is also true outside the walls of work). It is important to remember social significance and subordination. The best and most useful rule is to show yourself as a true virtuoso of your craft. You can't show uncertainty.

It happens that the boss is rude. You need to let your boss know that his opinion is valued and try to offer a calm discussion. It is a mistake to make excuses. Retaliatory rudeness is strictly prohibited, as this will result in dismissal. But this does not apply to colleagues: you should not allow them to humiliate you. Psychologists recommend sharing the feelings that screaming generates (for example, a person gets lost because of it). But this must be done carefully, without causticism.

Another way to understand how to deal with boors at work is through memorized phrases. You should repeat on autopilot your agreement with the boss’s words: “Okay, I’ll do it.” There is no need to remain silent. For many managers, this is not a sign of agreement at all, but ignorance, so this is not the best way to respond to the rudeness of a boss.

Boors attack the weak

It is difficult to find a person who has never seen a standard American comedy about schoolchildren. How is the plot of such films constructed? For an hour and a half, a weak person confronts strong and impudent people who are trying to humiliate her. In the end, good always triumphs over evil. A person finds strength in himself and becomes confident. What is the moral of the film? If a person does not change his character, then he will have to endure humiliation all his life. And if a person changes his line of behavior and becomes a strong personality, they will stop bullying him. Having reached this conclusion, you should apply it to your own life. How to talk to boors? A person must show the person that he is a strong person who will not tolerate ridicule and humiliation.

Boors always humiliate those who are weaker than them. If you are a strong personality, you will not feel any attacks from others. Do you have problems with self-esteem and cannot act as a confident person? Then you will have to endure humiliation. You need to work on yourself and cultivate leadership qualities. Then you won't have to learn the rules of communicating with a boor. Ordinary people do not need to adapt to those people who behave incorrectly. It is better to avoid communicating with them or immediately make it clear to the person that you will not tolerate rude behavior.

Rudeness of strangers

Psychologists have found several life hacks that will help you find the answer to the question of how to properly respond to the rudeness of strangers on the street or in transport. First, you should try to ignore the aggression. Soon the brute will lose interest. Secondly, jokes and philosophy. A subtle joke with meaning is the best weapon against rude phrases. If that doesn’t work, use empathy or use complex, clever phrases, such as a rhetorical question.

Thirdly, pity. The boor's actions indicate that he is unhappy. You can show him compassion. It is important to remember that the opponent is actually weak. Fourthly, rudeness. This is not entirely correct, moreover, “you are how you react to people’s rudeness.” But in some cases there really is no other choice. And yet, if this method becomes permanent, there is a high risk of soon becoming a boor yourself.

Method one. “More precisely, even more precisely”

Ask the boor a clarifying question. Then another one. And further. And further. And so on ad infinitum. For example, very often, when a dispute runs out of arguments, one of the participants puts forward a seemingly undeniable argument: “If you are so smart, show your money!” In response, you can ask what amount will suit him? Is a gold card suitable or do I need cash? In dollars or euros? Are rubles considered? At which bank's rate? Do you need a tax return? The main thing is to remain calm and smile if possible. Your task is to tire the boor with endless clarifications. As a result, the last word is yours and without any rudeness.

How to react in a store

People live in society. Therefore, everyone had to deal with reflections on how to react to rudeness in a store. If complaints are not included in the list of habits or there is no desire or time for them now, you can use universal phrases. In response to another rudeness from a supermarket employee, you should provide him with facts that will be difficult to dispute. The content of the speech does not matter, the main thing is to look smart and reason philosophically. The goal is to stupefy the store employee, make him feel stupid and shut up.

The second useful method is to contact management. In the case of regular (and other) rudeness, there is no point in wasting time and nerves on investigations. It is worth describing the problem in the complaint book, then contacting the seller’s superiors with a request to hold the subordinate accountable. In case of refusal, a complaint to the prosecutor's office is recommended. Rudeness should not go unpunished.

Signs of an unhealthy team

Rudeness at work in many cases is a consequence of poor management. People in a team unite into a single organism. The behavior of one employee affects the work of others. To respond to rudeness, determine the reason for its occurrence. You need to start with an analysis of the working climate.

Rudeness flourishes where business ethics are forgotten. It’s easy to identify an unhealthy team. Its main features:

Indifference of employees to work, relationships among colleagues, events in the business life of the team. It is easy to say rudeness if a person does not respect and value colleagues, subordinates or superiors. Nervousness and irritability. Appears in teams with ineffective organization of work and rest. Stress reduces the level of self-control and rudeness breaks out. Envy of other people's successes. In a group of envious people and gossipers, whispers behind your back and obvious rudeness in your face are commonplace. Rejection of new team members. Stagnation turns out to be a guarantor of stability. A new employee is a headache and a harbinger of change. It’s easier to crush a newbie with rudeness. Shifting responsibility. In case of trouble, team members blame each other, awakening aggression in their ranks. Difficult relationship with the manager. The boss sets the vector of business communication. If he is rude to his subordinates, then an unfavorable psychological situation will develop among the employees.

In such a situation, the only effective way out is to treat the team. You won’t be able to resist the crowd alone; it will demolish and crush the daredevil. If you value your job and position, you will have to accept animal laws and start strengthening your nervous system. When you have nothing to lose, act: transfer to another hotel, start looking for a new job.

Rudeness on the Internet

Most modern people cannot imagine life without the World Wide Web. Often commentators provoke each other to express aggression, so it is important to know how to respond to rudeness on the Internet. You absolutely shouldn’t be upset, because aggressive people are unlikely to be healthy. Or the Internet is their only refuge, this speaks of their insignificance.

A sharp reaction, active dialogues and disputes are appropriate only in response to criticism from an adequate and self-sufficient person, and not rudeness. If a quarrel arises with a person you know, it is better to meet in reality and discuss everything in private. In addition, psychologists advise communicating with rude people like children. Sarcasm and calm are the main helpers of the victim of someone's anger. And the most important thing is to remember that this is just the Internet, and all threats are empty and will remain on it.

Method two. "Moscow is behind us"

This method is only good if your position is completely indisputable and you simply have nowhere to retreat. For example, you reprimand a neighbor who is smoking on the landing, and receive an obscene tirade in response. Do not rush to respond in the same spirit or leave. Put forward a reinforced concrete justification for your position: “Smoke is drawn into the apartment, I have small children there (elderly, allergy sufferers, etc.), it is harmful for them to breathe tobacco smoke!” The neighbor will most likely begin to object, for example, saying that he has nowhere else to smoke. Agree: “Yes, you have no place to smoke, but your tobacco smoke is harmful to my children!”, “I understand that you are only for a minute and just one cigarette, but I will not tolerate this, because tobacco smoke is harmful to children!”, “Of course , you really want to smoke, but it’s harmful for my children...” further in the text. The hardest thing here is to remain calm. You can handle the rest.

Secrets from psychologists

Like any negative phenomenon, rudeness is easier to prevent than to overcome. How to react to rudeness? Advice from psychologists will help you figure this out.

Golden ball. You need to imagine yourself inside a golden egg or ball. In addition to the “anti-rude” effect, this ball has a mirror surface that reflects unkind glances.
Sun. This technique suggests imagining yourself as the Sun. You need to visualize how a warm, even, bright glow emanates from a person. You may need to practice for several days. It has been proven that exercise has a positive effect on appearance: blush, sparkle in the eyes, straight back. The point is that no one will dare to be rude to a person radiating a sense of dignity.
Through the eyes of God. The ideal place for training is the metro or bus. Task: imagine that your own eyes are portholes through which God looks at people. Success can be seen by how people begin to try not to hit a person in the crowd and let him pass.
Pause. If you do have to deal with rudeness, then there is no need to rush to respond. It is best to take a deep breath, count to ten and carefully look the offender in the eyes. As a rule, you don’t want to develop a conflict after this, and people choose a polite ending.
Funny pictures. Psychologists suggest imagining the boor in an unusual form: in an Aladdin costume or with a frying pan on his head. This is very well illustrated in the books and films about Harry Potter. There is a character called Boggart, a ghost who can transform into someone or something that is the fear of the person standing in front of him. The best weapon against these creatures is laughter. Same with boors.
PVB. The method of the famous psychologist Peter Burlan stands for “Get out, you idiot!” (can be changed to any other words). You need to say the phrase in your head and enjoy the result.

At least once in their life, every person has thought about how to react to rudeness. Unfortunately, not only in a theoretical sense. There are many ways to combat and prevent rudeness, both universal and situational (rudeness in public places, on the road, in the family or at work). You can choose silence, politeness, kindness, agreement, ignoring or boring. You can arm yourself with ancient psychological techniques for self-defense. But the most important thing is to take care of yourself, your health and nerves, not to be upset about every unhealthy and unhappy person and not to be like them.

Characteristics

When it comes to the “symptoms” of rudeness, it is worth noting that this model of behavior directly depends on the person himself and his environment. In ordinary life, rudeness is very similar to ordinary negative emotions and bad manners: rudeness, tactlessness, harsh judgments, etc.

It is very important to be able to distinguish negativity from rudeness, and the list of the following signs inherent in this behavior will help you with this:

Aggression. Most boors are characterized by aggressive behavior towards their victims. They are distinguished by intolerance of other people's opinions, harshness of statements, and an authoritarian active position. With all his behavior, the boor tries to show that he stands above the rest, is the embodiment of morality, justice and good manners. Everything in his gestures and phrases is over-formed and therefore it can often lead to a brawl.
Ignoring can also be considered a form of rudeness. Complete and absolute indifference towards the interlocutor can look no less offensive than angry attacks.
Arrogance. If a person looks down on others and with an arrogant grin, then those around him will feel uncomfortable. It is not always necessary to bring him into direct conflict in order to cause pain to another person; sometimes disdain in the voice and arrogance in the look can also evoke negative emotions in the interlocutor.
Ignorance. Boorish behavior clearly demonstrates the lack of culture of its owner. With all his actions and words, he seems to deny the value of rules of conduct and moral standards. Ethics is an empty phrase for boors, but this does not mean that it is not familiar to them.
Shocking behavior. As mentioned above, the purpose of rudeness is to make the opponent emotional and lose his peace of mind. That is why the boor does not deny himself demonstrative behavior that contradicts all the norms of social rules. It is only important for him to draw attention to himself, so he will use raised tones in conversation, vivid and not always correct statements, and active gestures.

Important

Rudeness does not always take an open form. Many boors prefer anonymous methods of influence, but this does not make them any less dangerous.