Relationships after the birth of a child. Postpartum depression. Psychology of family life

September 14, 2018
Psychology of relationships
Kira Ifeevskaya

It often happens that relationships deteriorate after the birth of a child. Instead of family idyll and joy, discord and quarrels begin in the family. Sometimes this ends in divorce. In this article we will tell you why this happens and how postpartum depression affects relationships. We will also give advice to help improve your family life.

How often can you hear from the lips of a young mother that the relationship with her husband has deteriorated after the birth of the child. Why is that? After all, the baby was born, whose arrival the parents had been eagerly awaiting for 9 months, and the worries about a successful delivery were over. That is, right now you can live and enjoy every day of an already full-fledged family. But instead, daily scandals began. Why do family relationships worsen after the birth of a child? Let's look further at the reasons.

Spouses turn into parents

Husband and wife transform from spouses into parents. Therefore, both their outlook on life changes. The wife must now pay attention not only to her husband, but also to the child. The husband, in turn, must provide the family with money and help his wife care for the baby. Sometimes there is simply not enough strength or time to show love and affection to each other. All free time is given to the new family member, and a lot of it is required.

After the birth of a child, the mother quickly gets used to the role of a parent. Since she had been carrying the baby inside for 9 months. Hormones have already prepared a woman for all duties and responsibilities. It’s harder for men; they begin to realize the obligations placed on them much later. Therefore, spouses have completely different views on the new family member and different attitudes towards him. This provokes quarrels.

Lack of time for everyday life and spouse

In the first three months, children suffer from colic. Then the mother is almost always with the child in her arms. Therefore, he does not have time to cook a full dinner, iron a shirt or wash the floor. What can upset a spouse and be the beginning of the first quarrels and conflicts after the birth of a child.

A woman devotes too much time to her baby, especially if he is long-awaited. Even when he sleeps, his mother fusses around him. Or at this time she tidies up his toys, washes his clothes soiled during the day. There is practically no time left for your spouse. This often happens at the birth of the first child. A woman is not quite ready for life after the birth of a child. She has not learned to evenly distribute her love, affection and attention to her husband and baby.

The husband is dissatisfied with the lack of attention from his wife. He lacks affection, warmth and love. This provokes the development of jealousy towards the child. Often the spouse does not understand that the baby is helpless, and therefore he needs more attention. Husbands often confuse two different words: attention and love. The fact that a woman spends more time with her baby does not mean that she loves him more. It’s just that sometimes a wife really doesn’t have enough strength or time to give her husband as much attention and love as before.

Remember:

If there is a quarrel between you, put yourself in your spouse’s place. Sometimes this is enough to reconsider the conflict and find its solution;
do not quarrel with your husband in front of strangers, even if you are right. Can't resist? Show your dissatisfaction silently with your eyes, so that only he can see. Women can do this;
try to speak according to the “I-message” scheme. That is, express your complaints in this form: “I think that you are wrong!”, and not categorically: “You are wrong!”;
relatives and friends should not interfere in your relationship, impose themselves and indicate how to care for the child; in the end, responsibility for everything will fall on you;
Don't add fuel to the fire. Try to reduce the conflict to nothing as soon as possible;
you can also be wrong, despite the fact that it is more difficult for you;
this is your husband, and you yourself chose him, which means there is something good in him for which you love him. Try not to forget about the positive aspects of your married life.

Anna Kuznetsova

My husband can't stand the strain

If before the birth of the baby the spouse could calmly relax and unwind when he came home (watch a movie, play on the computer, just lie on the couch with his wife), then from the moment the child is born there is little silence in the apartment. And instead of resting after the main job, when the husband comes home, he takes up a second “job” to help his wife, who is tired during the day. Often the stronger half cannot withstand such a load. As a result, the husband may begin to work late. Or it may happen that the husband left after the birth of the child for another woman. After all, she is quiet and has enough love and attention.

Often there are reproaches from men that the woman has begun to look bad. And her figure after giving birth is no longer the same, and she doesn’t take care of herself, her clothes are too homey, and so on. Often this happens because the young mother simply does not have enough energy and time. And sometimes a woman actually hides behind her child in the fact that she doesn’t have time to do anything.

Often the ideal of a beautiful and successful young mother is imposed on husbands from the TV screen and the pages of magazines. Or the neighbor on the landing looks good and pays attention to her husband, although they also have a baby and the same age. Here you need to take into account the child’s behavior (not all children are capricious and require a lot of attention). A young mother can look good and do well if her mother or her husband helps her. Only a few manage to do everything on their own.

Disagreements in raising a child

Discord may also arise due to differences in views on raising a child. The mother wants to put the baby to sleep next to her, the husband only wants the baby to sleep in the crib. Or a mother wants to dress her son only in a blue outfit. But my husband considers this an outdated stereotype. There can be many similar disagreements about a child.

It often happens that a young mother believes that her husband does not know how to care for the baby, that he could accidentally harm him. Therefore, she herself does not allow her husband to see the child. And he places the entire responsibility for caring for the baby on his own shoulders. As a result, they are greatly exhausted physically and emotionally, and the accumulated fatigue is splashed out in the form of aggression on the husband.

Build intimate relationships

Usually, after childbirth, women's sexual sensations are complemented by new shades. You can share your thoughts about what exactly has changed with your partner, because he, too, cannot help but feel the changes.

The benefit is obvious - it's time to try new positions, rhythms and styles of behavior during intimacy. The main thing is not to deny each other affection - long-term abstinence turns a couple from lovers into friends. Sad statistics say: most couples in this period break up due to the appearance of a third person who is ready to understand and satisfy sexual desires.

Take the test: Is my husband cheating on me?

Grievances

Spouses often accumulate resentment towards each other. And there is no free time to talk and find out everything. As a result, the accumulated negativity may one day result in a major scandal. For example, a woman may believe that her husband does not help her much, and her husband may be offended by the lack of attention from his beloved.

If you do not solve emerging problems immediately, but give them the opportunity to accumulate, then you will not be able to solve them at once. Since fatigue and resentment will not give the opportunity to make the right decision regarding the problems that arise. Spouses must not forget that with the birth of a child they are now a full-fledged young family. And they must solve emerging problems together. If you pull the burden alone and accumulate grievances, then this is no longer a family, and such a union will most likely fall apart.

How to avoid a relationship crisis after the birth of a child?

The relationship between spouses changes after the birth of the baby. But some families cope with problems on their own and gradually their lives flow into a calm direction without scandals and quarrels. And there are couples whose family life ends as soon as the baby is born.

How to prevent your relationship with your husband from deteriorating after the birth of a child? Recommendations could be the following:

The husband often does not understand why his wife is tired when she sits at home with the child. And he doesn’t understand his wife’s tenderness over the baby when he comes home tired from work. Here, a woman must definitely include her husband in the process of raising a child. He should be told what achievements the child made during the day. It is necessary to give time for the father and child to be alone. If possible, you should ask your husband to help care for the baby.
If a wife has changed after the birth of a child due to postpartum depression, then she and her husband must make efforts to eliminate it. You can visit a psychologist, use medications. Since if the mother is in such a state, the child also feels it, at this time he becomes whiny and does not give his parents any rest from his crying.
Include grandparents in the process of raising a child. They will only be happy to sit with the little one. At this time, the mother herself can simply relax, visit a beauty salon, spend time with her husband (for example, take a walk in the park or go to the cinema). Thus, fatigue and aggression will not accumulate in both spouses.
Not the least of the causes of discord is sex. There are also such statements from men: “I don’t want a wife after giving birth.” The reason may be the wife’s not entirely attractive new figure (excess weight, stretch marks, and so on). Here you need to be patient. The figure will return to normal within a year, and if a woman also has time to go to the gym, she will be able to return to her former shape faster. Don't immediately look to the side. This is the sure death of a marriage. Women can also refuse intimate relationships for the same reason (they are embarrassed about their figure) or fatigue will take its toll. It is important to avoid going without sex for a long time. If it is not there, you need a frank conversation about why one of the spouses avoids love affection and try to solve the problem together.
Be sure to find time to talk with each other. You can have a heart-to-heart talk once a week, express what you are not happy with and what you need help with. There is no need to accumulate grievances for months. Since grievances will be superimposed on one another. But it won’t be possible to solve a whole bunch of problems in one conversation, and it can be difficult to immediately remember everything that your spouse is not happy with in their new family life.
You can distribute housework and baby care work in advance. It is possible to alternate by weeks or every other day. For example, after the birth of a baby, a woman sometimes just wants to go buy bread alone, while her tired husband sits with the child and plays with blocks, both of them will be happy. Properly distributed responsibilities will help save time for rest and communication with each other.
It’s good if a young family, before the birth of a child, gets acquainted with the advice of psychologists on the topic of the birth of the first child in the family. Then you can know in advance what problems you might encounter and try to avoid them.
Talk to your husband not only about the baby (how he ate, slept, how many times he smiled), you need to ask about things at work, show how you miss him, and so on. A man should ask his wife how the day went, what new things the child learned to do that day, and so on.
It is advisable to discuss the process of raising a child in advance: where he will sleep, what tone the children's room will be decorated in, and even the child's name. Then there will be no further scandals on this topic.

First about dad

Here’s how Uncle Benjamin Spock sees this problem and its solution: “Deep down, a husband may feel out of place (as a little boy sometimes feels rejected when he learns that his mother is pregnant). Outwardly, this hidden feeling manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, in the desire to spend evenings with friends outside the home, in courting other women. At the same time, the wife finds herself deprived of her husband’s support precisely at the time when she needs it most, when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins.”

The great pediatrician of all times shows us that the period of the birth of a baby in a family is difficult not only for his mother, but also for his father. He writes: “Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like the head of the family - for the staff he is just another visitor... The time comes to bring the family home, but the wife (like the grandmother or other assistants) is only worried about the child, and again the husband plays mainly the role of porter.”

After such words you understand your husband. Why and why sometimes he behaves completely wrong. It simply says resentment and jealousy that now he is not needed, as if he had fulfilled his duty and is now free.

“All the attention hitherto directed to the husband is now given to the child,” Pavel shares his impressions of fatherhood. — By the way, for girls the calling “MOTHER” is much more significant than “WIFE.” Therefore, the husband fades into the background.

“For the first six months I couldn’t understand that in addition to my wife I had a child,” says Arkady. “Then I had to pull myself together. From the feelings - immediately after the maternity hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the resentment went away. There was no time to be offended; I had to raise the child.

Benjamin Spock suggests actively including your husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and caring for the baby. Spouses can visit a doctor together, go to consultations and classes to prepare for childbirth. If your husband wants to be present at the birth, do not refuse him. It is not possible to initiate the future father into all the mysteries of the birth of an heir.

For example, my husband limited himself to helping me in the prenatal ward, then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby was born and cried, he was invited back to me, or rather, to us... The medical staff congratulated the new dad, the midwife seriously talked about how the birth went, the pediatrician said that the baby was healthy and it was time to wash him, measure and wrap in the first garment. My husband was invited to take part in the examination of our son, where he took the first photographs of the heir.

I never stop telling my husband words of gratitude for his support in difficult times. Then in the prenatal ward I really needed him: we sang, and puffed, and jumped when the contraction was going on... I think such an active participation in the birth brought us together even more, set our future family life in the right, friendly direction.

In the future, I also tried to involve my husband in caring for the baby. Sometimes it was purely symbolic, but it was very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the first days, the task of changing our baby’s diaper baffled our dad, and the process dragged on. But over time, everything began to work out for him; this gave him a reason to be proud in front of his acquaintances and friends. Like a seasoned expert, he shared his observations of his son with mothers on the playground, taught the young and inexperienced, but, of course, as a joke...

The child was born. How to save a relationship?

Young parents should prepare in advance for the birth of their child. If possible, then go to friends or relatives who already have small children. Assess in advance all the troubles that lie ahead.

How to maintain love after the birth of a child? You need to be each other’s support and support after the birth of a child, and not outweigh your responsibilities. It is imperative to create a schedule for the first time. It states who does what around the house. This is necessary so that both parents have time to relax. Mom gets tired from fussing with the child and doing housework, and dad gets tired from work.

Quarrels most often occur due to the accumulation of fatigue and lack of attention between spouses. It is imperative to involve grandmothers or other relatives to help with the baby. It is also worth learning from those who already have similar experience.

Don't forget about sex. Intimacy promotes the production of happiness hormones and energizes you with health. If there is no sex, then aggression will accumulate. If one of the spouses is not eager and avoids lovemaking, then you need to look for the reason together. There shouldn’t be such a thing in a family that after the birth of a child you don’t want closeness.

You must remember to spend time every day for yourself and your significant other. You can communicate while your child is playing, on a walk, in the evening while your spouse is having dinner, and just before bed. You need to constantly let them know that love remains the same, it’s just that the child takes time and energy from both parents. But soon everything will fall into place as soon as the baby becomes more independent. Be sure to love and respect: yourself, your child and your spouse. After all, only together can we cope with all the difficulties that arise.

General Tips

Difficulties and problems, reasons for disagreements may be different. But in any case, you should follow a few general recommendations:

Monitor your emotions, control them, master self-regulation techniques. Learn to relieve stress and support each other. For example, dad can sit with the child while mom goes for a walk, jog, or gives herself some other release.
Resolve conflicts calmly. First, release your emotions, and then rationally discuss the problem, get to know each other’s opinions.
Keep a positive attitude. Today you are forced to endure sleepless nights, but soon your child will turn into a reliable assistant and an interesting interlocutor. And what could be more pleasant than the realization that a child is the result of your love, the embodiment of the unity of the spouses.
Distribute responsibilities and discuss your ideas about the roles of mother and father. Most husbands perceive maternity leave as a vacation; they reserve only one responsibility - to bring home money. Both spouses should take care of the child, but also not forget to devote time to personal interests.
Don't lose yourself in the child. This harms not only the relationship, but also the baby. Children raised as idols grow up selfish, narcissistic, unprepared for life and its difficulties. Teach your child from early childhood to understand and respect the needs of other people.
Don't forget about dates and surprises. Have evenings of shared memories and nourish your relationship. Remember your shared experience, dream about the future, add variety to the present. This will help maintain closeness and mutual understanding.
Try to find and maintain a balance between parenthood and marriage. This is the main condition for successfully overcoming the crisis.

Mutual assistance, respect, communication are the basis for overcoming any family crisis. Without accusations, talk about what worries you, what needs are not met, what emotions are suppressed, etc. You can always find time for communication. Support each other, praise, say words of gratitude, compliments. Avoid stock phrases and communication exclusively in a negative way.

If you cannot overcome the crisis on your own, then contact a family psychologist. We also recommend reading our article “Family crises: normative and non-normative, by year. Causes. How to overcome."

Depression after childbirth. The reasons for its occurrence

Men often note that their wife has changed after the birth of their child. For example, that she has become aggressive or, conversely, that she is now not interested in anything, that she practically never has a smile on her face. And sometimes it’s not a matter of fatigue from household chores. Perhaps the young mother began to experience postpartum depression.

Causes of depression after childbirth:

a long absence of normal sleep, the body is exhausted, and the nervous system refuses to work normally;
spouse and relatives do not help in raising the child;
financial instability;
a sharp change in hormonal levels after childbirth, iron deficiency;
long absence of sex before and after childbirth;
dramatic changes not for the better: at work with the husband, in living conditions, the death of one of the close relatives, and so on;
long stay in a confined space of a house or apartment;
severe weight gain and dissatisfaction with body image after childbirth;
serious health problems in the baby;
the mother is very worried that she is not properly caring for the baby, and considers herself not yet ready for motherhood;
fatigue and worries accumulated during pregnancy, especially if it was difficult.

After the birth of a child, a man must remember that a child is much harder for a woman than for him. And this is due to hormonal changes in the body (during conception, in preparation for childbirth, after the birth of a child). Because of hormones, women worry greatly throughout pregnancy about the health of the baby and whether they will cope with childbirth. Therefore, after the birth of a child, a malfunction may occur in the body. Then the husband, and not the psychologist, will be the best person to improve the health of the young mother.

Help from relatives

In the first year after the baby is born, you can become much closer to your mother. Now, more than ever, you will be able to understand your mother, appreciate her works and concerns, finding yourself on an equal footing with her. But relationships with mother-in-law after birth may worsen. However, this is very individual and significantly depends on what they were like at the very beginning, in the time before his appearance.

Many parents actively help the young couple raise an heir. It is important for one side to carefully and carefully accept care, understanding that behind it lies love and warmth, even if they do not manifest themselves exactly as they would like, and in some way contradict their own idea of the educational process. And at the same time, it is important to help the other side, but not to impose your positions and opinions, not to try to replace real parents, realizing your own sense of significance or unfulfilled hopes.

Read also Masturbation after childbirth: is it possible and when is the best time to start?

How to recognize depression after childbirth? Signs

Not all mothers and relatives can immediately recognize the emerging disease. And therefore the condition can worsen day by day. This can go away on its own if the depression occurs in a superficial form. It is enough for a young mother to get used to her new position.

Signs of depression in a young mother:

apathy towards everything that happens;
irritation at the child’s crying and whims;
increased anxiety about the baby’s condition;
hysterics and reluctance to communicate with loved ones and husband;
lack of normal appetite;
dissatisfaction with appearance;
unstable sleep;
a sharp decrease in immunity;
refusal of intimate relationships.

In severe forms, even suicide attempts are possible. In such cases, the help of a specialist is required. A woman will recover faster if she is surrounded by a loving husband and the support of relatives.

How to get out of depression?

How to get out of postpartum depression? The very first thing to do is give time to rest. A minimum of 7 hours of quality and healthy sleep is required. You can take sleeping pills, but during lactation you need to choose medications so as not to harm the baby. It is better to express milk in advance to feed your baby.

After the girl gets enough sleep and puts her thoughts in order, you need to find out what is bothering her. After consulting with a doctor, you can choose sedatives or teas/decoctions. It is necessary to try to protect the young mother from stress.

It is necessary to reconsider the daily routine of the young mother and her menu. Because a lack of essential vitamins can also be a cause of depression. It is advisable for a woman to eat every time after breastfeeding. This is useful for both mother and baby. The baby is just sleeping after feeding, you can eat food calmly. And then do household chores or relax next to the baby.

You can persuade a woman to play sports in her free time and record her achievements, or push her to take up a new interesting hobby. For example, learn to knit and make your own clothes for your baby.

Advice from a psychologist for postpartum depression

Since women, under the influence of hormones, experience pregnancy and the birth of a baby more emotionally, the spouse and relatives should help the woman prepare for upcoming motherhood. It is better if the preparation takes place together with your husband.

Be sure to help the young mother care for the baby and run the household. Don't let her do everything herself. Even if a woman says that she is not tired. Over time, the body can become exhausted, and this will all result in postpartum depression. And she will express herself in irritation at the child’s crying and even simple remarks from her husband, which will begin to spoil the relationship after the birth of the child. It is obligatory to praise the wife, say that she is beautiful and she is doing great. Give time to rest, even if the woman is against it. She can sleep while her husband walks with the baby during the day. And taking evening walks together is good for sleep for the entire young family.

Intimacy is a good way to relieve depression; the surge of hormones will strengthen a woman’s mental state and increase her self-esteem. But you shouldn’t put pressure on your spouse. You can gradually achieve sexual contact with caresses.

In no case should you shift all responsibilities onto your wife and look for excuses that there is a lot to do at work and at home and you need time to rest. The wife gets tired caring for the baby, no less than the husband. We must not forget to thank the spouse for the birth of the baby, since nowadays not every woman is ready to ruin her figure and nerves for the sake of having a child. And even more so, lose years and the opportunity to build a career.

Problems after the birth of a child occur in every family. In some people they occur almost unnoticed, but in others they are pronounced. The situation can be greatly aggravated by depression after childbirth in a young mother. In this state, she cannot soberly assess the situation, and things may lead to divorce.

And now about mom

A young mother cannot live without special attention and care. Moreover, the husband’s concern should not be limited only to making money. Kind words, a bouquet of flowers just like that, help with housework and child care - sometimes this is enough to keep a strong family together.

“The husband must constantly remember that his wife has it much more difficult than him, especially after returning home from the maternity hospital. Her body experienced radical physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, then the wife cannot help but feel seriously concerned. The child constantly requires enormous nervous and physiological stress from her: In order to give a lot of mental strength to the child, she must receive increased care and attention from her husband,” these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.

“The birth of a child in my family was definitely stressful, and even very strong,” says Dmitry. “And here it is very important not to withdraw into yourself, but to talk through all the problems that arise... An abstract understanding that during this period it is very difficult for a woman is not enough. And maybe I’m wrong, but it is the man who bears the very responsibility that everyone talks about... Only, as a rule, they talk about “responsibility for the wife and child,” and here the responsibility for precisely those very things is also important relationship…

“I must say, the men settled down well,” says Konstantin. “A woman carries a child for nine months, then gives birth to him in agony, and then she herself wipes his snot, changes diapers, does not sleep at night... I love and feel sorry for my wife. I try to help her in everything with the child, not only in words, but also in deeds. If possible, I would sit at home with her and our six-month-old son. But the world is designed in such a way that a man needs to go to work.

In addition to all other difficulties, you also need to remember about “postpartum depression” (or “baby blues syndrome”), which, like a bolt from the blue, falls on poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem that we should rejoice: here he is, the long-awaited beloved baby! Healthy, cheerful: but no, the young mother is crying for something, shedding tears, getting upset. According to statistics, every tenth woman giving birth is susceptible to deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year. Most often these are women 25-45 years old.

Here you definitely need to be aware of the matter in order to safely survive the gloomy period. Doctors say that it’s all about the unstable position of hormones, restructuring of the body, and so on. But I know from myself that the very fact of the birth of a first child is a great shock for a woman. This has definitely never happened to you before! The sensations are, to say the least, impressive... The experience makes your hair stand on end. And I don’t mean physical pain and fear, although that exists too, I’m talking about the psychological feeling. To show this world a new person, a real living person - that’s the point! Here you can get not only depression, but also temporary clouding of your mind.

Your first helpers when postpartum depression sets in are your husband and loved ones. They must clearly understand the nature of your anxiety, unreasonable crying and fears. Under no circumstances should you scold and reproach a poor woman for being overly worried, twitching at every occasion and crying. Treat the young mother with understanding, if you can’t calm her down, then at least don’t escalate the situation yourself, keep silent once again... Remember, this condition is completely normal, and it will pass soon.

At the same time, a young mother herself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. Try to control yourself as much as possible. If it is within your power, try not to lash out at your husband for minor offenses. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated during the day makes us uncontrollable and irritable, but this is not a reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.

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