How to stop feeling sorry for yourself - 3 main tips from a psychologist

In this article I will talk about how to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living the way you really want. I will give the reasons, consequences of self-pity and three guaranteed ways to get rid of this condition once and for all.

Why are we complaining?

• to receive attention and support;
• to help;
• to express your disappointment.

What provokes pity

1. Betrayal from the closest people.
2. Excessive dependence on other people's opinions.
3. Stress caused by the loss of loved ones.
4. Special memory. A person remembers events down to the smallest need, experiences them again and again. This pain prevents you from starting new relationships.
5. Grievances. It would seem that people should return good for good. But often this does not happen. Resentment settles in the human soul. And again I feel very sorry for myself.
6. Uncertainty, timidity. If you are not an independent person by nature, then any decision is difficult for you. I really want someone to give you advice. It’s even better if someone makes the decision for you.
7. Inability to show your emotions. If you suppress your emotions for a long time, the feeling of self-pity intensifies.
8. You are not living at your own pace. Let's say you are a slow person, you do everything for a long time, but conscientiously. But the modern world says: “he who did not have time is late.” You are trying to change, but it is not at all that easy to do. After some time, you become exhausted and feel sorry for yourself again.

Be realistic

There is nothing wrong with thinking big and setting difficult goals. But your expectations should always be realistic.

When the chances of success are slim, don’t approach things with the mindset of “I absolutely have to achieve this.” It is better to consider this just a wish that may not come true. In this case, failure will not knock you out of the saddle.

Don't let thoughts about what you want cloud your reasoning.

If you dream of achieving something big (like becoming a Hollywood star), don't turn what you want into something absolutely necessary. Otherwise, you risk spending too much time and energy on unrealistic fantasies, and then completely falling into depression.

Exercise:

1. Ask yourself if what you want can actually happen. What is the probability of this event?

2. Make a list of everything you need to achieve this goal.

3. Rate your goal on a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is completely unrealistic and 10 is completely realistic. The lower the score, the more important it is to have a plan in case you fail.

4. Set the bar of expectations - “I want to have this”, “I need this” or “I absolutely must have this” - in accordance with the realisticity of the goal.

How is a victim of self-pity characterized?

• they constantly whine and complain about their lives;
• believe that they do not deserve a better life;
• there must be a “vest” nearby;
• any troubles are embellished and “inflated”;
• Only their problems are important, because they are the victim;
• the victim person feels satisfied after the phrase “poor thing.”

The dangers of constant self-pity

• chasing the feeling that you can’t breathe;
• sleep disturbance;
• pressure surges;
• increased sweating;
• the occurrence of panic attacks;
• rapid heartbeat;
• dizziness, nausea;
• fainting.

Remember your life purpose

How to restore joy and interest in life? To do this, a person needs to remember his innermost dreams, because everyone has had them. It is as if you need to go back to the past and find what made you happy at that time, the meaning that gave you energy and the desire to live. Then it’s good to think at what exact moment the turning point in life occurred and what exactly happened, why the desire to live disappeared. Then you need to mentally return to the place and time when this happened and rewrite the past. After such a rethinking of everything that is happening, you should begin to live in complete harmony with your soul and check everything with it. Medicine that can help overcome psychological difficulties is in everyone’s soul.

What types of “whiners” are there?

1. We all remember Eeyore from the well-known cartoon about Winnie the Pooh. There are people who live like this donkey. They suffer all the time, even if they have no reason to. They just want to get hurt. Looking at them, it seems that the world has collapsed.
2. Rebels. They are loudly indignant for show and then quietly feel sorry for themselves.
3. An active pessimist. It seems that such a person has a full house and no reason to worry, but they claim that their life is bad. Remember the mechanics of Zelenok or the cartoon “The Secret of the Third Planet”. Here he is just a representative of an active pessimist.
4. A public whiner. This person is easy to recognize, but very difficult to be around. He cries all the time. He needs an audience for this.
5. “Vest for crying.” This term is suitable for those who attract their own kind. After all, crying together is much more fun. Such people do not communicate with strong and comprehensively developed personalities, because everything is fine with them and there is absolutely nothing to talk about with them.
6. Self-confident sufferer. Yes, yes, there are such people too. For example, there lives such a self-confident handsome man and suddenly his girlfriend leaves him. He wonders how such a handsome man was abandoned. But he won’t be upset for long. After all, such a “miracle guy” will find another passion.
7. Quiet domestic despot. No, this is not the one who tears and rushes, and raises his hand against his household. This whiner simply does everything in such a way that the blame for everything that happens in the family falls on the relatives, but not on him.
8. Little Napoleon. For such people there are only two opinions: their own and the wrong one. It is not always possible to immediately spot the whiner among them. But if their idea does not lead to the desired result, they begin to feel sorry for themselves.

Are you experiencing some of the signs of the above whiners? Don't be alarmed. We all sometimes want to be loved and pitied. The main thing is not to get carried away by feeling sorry for yourself.

What does it mean to feel sorry for yourself?

We all from time to time want to feel sorry for ourselves or to achieve such pity from others.
Remember when you were a child? Mom said >, and you ran to her, without even really understanding what happened, what you felt and why. Mom blew on her broken knee, and it seemed to begin to hurt less. So why is feeling sorry for yourself as an adult bad?

According to clinical psychologist Alice Galatz , it is worth distinguishing between concepts such as self-pity and compassion. > person: unlucky, stupid, ugly. When we think of ourselves this way, we get stuck on how bad things are and don’t look for solutions to problems. Complainants are always in the position of a helpless victim who is dealt with by fate, says the expert.

As the specialist notes, feeling sorry for yourself is an infantile position. Usually such people feel very weak and insecure. They either expect others to solve their problems, or, in principle, are not ready to do anything about what they are not happy with. >,” the expert notes.

According to the specialist, the need to feel sorry for oneself and receive pity from others is formed in childhood. As a rule, such people grow up in an atmosphere of emotional coldness or rejection. Parents in these families do not praise the child for successes, do not notice them, do not support them after failures, or, on the contrary, are overprotective, broadcasting: >. Naturally, growing up, such a person is not able to believe in his own strength, take credit for his successes, or support himself independently. He grows up with the need to rely on someone stronger, smarter, who will take pity and decide everything for him. >,” adds Alisa Galatz.

According to the psychologist, feeling compassion for yourself is much more constructive. It does not take away your resources and opportunities for active action. >, says Alisa Galatz.

How to get rid of self-pity

1. First of all, you need to understand that no one owes you anything. The world shouldn't be fair to you. People don't have to love you and help you. And the sooner you understand this truth, the sooner you will stop suffering from injustice. In general, stick to the principle: help yourself.
2. Learn to ask for help. Some kind of inconsistency? If no one owes anyone anything, then what kind of help can we talk about? That's the point: you need to ask for help. You need to learn to talk about help with other people. After all, often the people around you don’t even suspect that it’s difficult for you. And often they are generally sure that everything is fine with you. That is, in order not to feel lonely, first make sure that your loved ones are aware of your experiences.
3. Understand that all responsibility for your life is in your hands. It is very, very important to realize that you are an adult and no one is to blame for your failures. Learn to make decisions without anyone's help and finish what you start.
4. Don't make excuses for yourself. If, for example, you were not hired by some cool company, accept the fact that you simply weren’t right for them. Maybe there was not enough experience, or there were some other reasons. Don’t think that people take you there only through “connection”
5. Talk to the imaginary offender, and do not harbor grudges against him. Quite often, instead of sitting down and talking calmly, people leave grievances inside themselves and do not allow them to come out.

Experiment

When talking with a girl or woman you know, maybe even in a group, share your illness and add colorful experiences, for example:

I’m so unlucky, I don’t know what to do... I’m faced with a problem, but I can’t find a solution... Now I feel bad, I’m constantly on edge and depression is creeping in...

You will not have time to notice how your friends immediately transform into caring mothers who generate solutions and provide you with calming speeches that everything will be fine, you will cope, or they are already beginning to dictate solutions.

Self-pity as a manifestation of selfishness and how to stop being selfish

Pity or manifestation of selfishness, how to distinguish?

Egoism is a life principle and human quality when one’s own interests are placed above others. He connects everything that happens to himself and seeks personal gain. Such a person thinks very primitively and becomes self-centered. It seems to a person that he is the “Navel of the Earth”. But you need to look good in the eyes of others. Therefore, various “masks” are used. One of these masks is self-pity.

How to get rid of selfishness?

1. You need to accept the fact that you are an egoist.
2. Try to be interested in other people's lives.
3. Learn to put other people's interests above your own.
4. Show responsiveness and generosity to others.

Avoid rebellion for revolt's sake

We don't like being pressured because we want to be in control of our lives. This is a completely natural desire. But rebellion for the sake of rebellion is a road to nowhere.

By fiercely defending your independence, you can inadvertently harm yourself.

A typical example. Parents insist that their daughter complete graduate school. Everything inside her screams: “Don’t tell me what to do!” - and she leaves the university, although deep down she wanted to continue her studies.

When you reject someone else's plan, consider whether you are also rebelling against yourself.

This behavior is not limited to children. It happens that husbands and wives rebel against their overly domineering half. Or business partners rebel against each other's demands to the detriment of company profits.

In order not to find yourself in such a situation, you must understand that you choose your own path, and not just submit to someone else’s will. If someone is pressuring you to do something, stop and ask yourself if those demands are fair and reasonable.

Do your aspirations match this person's expectations? If yes, agree to do what is recommended.

Diagnosis of an abnormal condition

Diagnosis is carried out by psychologists or psychotherapists - it doesn’t really matter. It is easy to detect violations. A few events are enough:

• Oral interview with the patient. You need to talk to the person. Determine his motivations, inclinations, personality traits. This may require more than one session. Self-pity is visible almost immediately. But its source remains to be identified.
• Testing. Personality questionnaires of Smishek and others are used. It is also necessary to conduct tests for depression to identify the pathological process.
• In some cases, the problem lies deeper. Psychopathology also cannot be ruled out. To cope, you need to test a person for thought processes, speed and quality of thinking. Also on logic.
• The Luscher test, which will accurately determine the emotional state and mood of the patient, will also be useful.
• The same goes for the Rorschach test. Deciphering it is quite a difficult task, so you can’t do it on your own.

A complete diagnosis takes up to several sessions. Once the problem is identified, correction can begin. It's not fast. The patient's hard work on himself is required. But the results are worth it.

Why do people whine

The main problem of all whiners is that they are not aware of their whining. These people seriously believe that their way of communicating is completely normal. They take their complaints and grumbling as extreme frankness and are sometimes even proud of them.

Such people are characterized by infantilism and personal immaturity. They live with the attitude that everyone around them likes to babysit them. People enjoy the protective parental role very much, they believe, and present their whining as a gift.

In fact, most people want to communicate as equals. And seeing an over-aged, whining infantile in front of them, they feel awkward for him and try to stay away. Only another whiner can be happy about your whining. Or a person who wants to use your weakness to their advantage.