After the birth of the child, the relationship with her husband deteriorated. What to do?

The birth of a child in a family is, of course, a great happiness. But immediately after arriving from the maternity hospital, the life of the spouses, especially the young mother, changes dramatically.

Constant worries about the baby, eternal lack of sleep, refusal of entertainment and dissatisfaction with one’s own appearance - all this deals a powerful blow to a woman’s psyche. And then the spouse, as if on purpose, does everything wrong and constantly falls under the hot hand.

As a result, the hopes that after the birth of the child the couple’s relationship would become more tender and stronger were not justified, but rather the opposite - the family was on the verge of collapse. Why do many women become enraged by their husbands after childbirth? How can a young mother cope with irritability and what can be done to save the family during this difficult period?

How does a woman’s body change after childbirth?

Even during pregnancy, the female body has undergone many changes. The expectant mother changed both externally and internally. All this was necessary to bear a healthy baby. And if anyone thinks that after he was born, a woman returns to her pre-pregnancy state, then she is deeply mistaken.

After childbirth, hormones rage in the mother’s body. They contribute to a more equal attitude towards irritating factors, the development of maternal instinct and milk production. The main hormone is prolactin. It not only affects the amount of mother's milk. Thanks to its action, all the woman’s attention is concentrated on the newborn. A mother, feeling a strong connection with her baby, is subconsciously determined to protect him from everything and everyone. This is why there is anxiety for the baby’s life, as well as jealousy towards everyone who wants to communicate with the baby. Is your husband angry after the birth of your child? Is your older child annoying? This is explained by the fact that at first the maternal instinct drowns out all other emotions and feelings, which can cause such an extraordinary reaction.
If internal or external tears occur during the birth process, the sutures placed on them may hurt and pull for a long time after that. This leaves a peculiar imprint, because there cannot be a feeling of complete physical comfort when something hurts. It is because of these painful sensations that a woman can sometimes become irritated. And for the same reason, she may avoid intimacy with her loved one.
In the first month after the birth of the baby, the mother may forget about eating on time. And self-care completely fades into the background. Therefore, your own reflection in the mirror for the most part does not evoke pleasant emotions. This influences the emergence of dissatisfaction with oneself. And the hormonal background complements this with thoughts that the woman herself is no longer attractive to her loved one. This definitely affects the relationship with your husband after the birth of a child.
And, of course, fatigue. The first couple of weeks there is no regime for new parents. The baby eats and sleeps, sleeps and eats. She also cries and asks for attention. Lack of sleep has a direct impact on the emotional background of mom and dad, which cannot but affect their relationship. In this state, it is difficult to control yourself and your words, which is why arguments and showdowns arise.

First about dad

Here’s how Uncle Benjamin Spock sees this problem and its solution: “Deep down, a husband may feel out of place (as a little boy sometimes feels rejected when he learns that his mother is pregnant). Outwardly, this hidden feeling manifests itself in irritability towards his wife, in the desire to spend evenings with friends outside the home, in courting other women. At the same time, the wife finds herself deprived of her husband’s support precisely at the time when she needs it most, when a new, unfamiliar stage of her life begins.”

The great pediatrician of all times shows us that the period of the birth of a baby in a family is difficult not only for his mother, but also for his father. He writes: “Coming to the maternity hospital to visit his wife and child, the husband does not feel like the head of the family - for the staff he is just another visitor... The time comes to bring the family home, but the wife (like the grandmother or other assistants) is only worried about the child, and again the husband plays mainly the role of porter.”

After such words you understand your husband. Why and why sometimes he behaves completely wrong. It simply says resentment and jealousy that now he is not needed, as if he had fulfilled his duty and is now free.

“All the attention hitherto directed to the husband is now given to the child,” Pavel shares his impressions of fatherhood. — By the way, for girls the calling “MOTHER” is much more significant than “WIFE.” Therefore, the husband fades into the background.

“For the first six months I couldn’t understand that in addition to my wife I had a child,” says Arkady. “Then I had to pull myself together. From the feelings - immediately after the maternity hospital, a feeling of gratitude. A little later - a small offense. Then the resentment went away. There was no time to be offended; I had to raise the child.

Benjamin Spock suggests actively including your husband in the process of preparing for childbirth and caring for the baby. Spouses can visit a doctor together, go to consultations and classes to prepare for childbirth. If your husband wants to be present at the birth, do not refuse him. It is not possible to initiate the future father into all the mysteries of the birth of an heir.

For example, my husband limited himself to helping me in the prenatal ward, then I remained surrounded by doctors and obstetricians. After our baby was born and cried, he was invited back to me, or rather, to us... The medical staff congratulated the new dad, the midwife seriously talked about how the birth went, the pediatrician said that the baby was healthy and it was time to wash him, measure and wrap in the first garment. My husband was invited to take part in the examination of our son, where he took the first photographs of the heir.

I never stop telling my husband words of gratitude for his support in difficult times. Then in the prenatal ward I really needed him: we sang, and puffed, and jumped when the contraction was going on... I think such an active participation in the birth brought us together even more, set our future family life in the right, friendly direction.

In the future, I also tried to involve my husband in caring for the baby. Sometimes it was purely symbolic, but it was very important for the atmosphere in the family. In the first days, the task of changing our baby’s diaper baffled our dad, and the process dragged on. But over time, everything began to work out for him; this gave him a reason to be proud in front of his acquaintances and friends. Like a seasoned expert, he shared his observations of his son with mothers on the playground, taught the young and inexperienced, but, of course, as a joke...

The birth of a child creates a stressful situation for both parents

How does life change after the birth of a child? Oddly enough, the burden (both emotional and physical) falls on the shoulders of both parents. Family relationships always change after the birth of a child, since the arrival of a new family member affects the redistribution of all resources: free time, communication, finances. Personal life after the birth of a baby also undergoes changes, especially if the child is the first. It turns out that these changes affect both mom and dad. Although sometimes it seems to each of them that only he is having a hard time. A crisis in the family after the birth of a baby occurs when there is no mutual understanding and desire to understand each other between parents.

Expert opinion

We will entrust the summary of today’s conversation to specialist Olga Vladimirovna Kuznetsova, psychologist, teacher at the Pedagogical Institute. A short quick interview will bring together everything that has been said today and will provide guidance for a cloudless future of family life.

— Olga Vladimirovna, in your opinion, what is the reason for the family crisis after the birth of a child?

“When a baby appears in the family, everything concentrates on him. Mom gives him her love, affection and care. And in this situation, dad may feel useless. He may feel that he is forgotten and abandoned, that he is given little love and care. And here the situation can develop in two ways.

The first way to develop relationships: a new “baby” will appear in the house. It is our dad who begins to “be capricious”, or simply avoids the place where “they don’t like him now.” In this situation, the mother remains the strongest. The psychological situation in such a house is unfavorable. And for the baby it is very important. Although he does not understand words yet, he picks up intonation very well.

In general, under no circumstances should you use a child for your own purposes “to strengthen the family” or “to keep your husband.” It is unacceptable to shift responsibility for one’s actions and mistakes onto a small, defenseless child, or to dump one’s problems on him. Only the spouses themselves are responsible for them, both of them.

The second way: a real adult, self-sufficient man appears in the house, who looks at things sensibly, without illusions, and is ready to be strong. His love for the baby and for the mother helps him; he understands that in this situation the baby needs more care than he does. And my mother really needs his support and help. And in order not to be alone with himself or with his “abandonment,” such a dad begins to HELP. And after a while he feels that he is very needed, that he is very loved and expected.

In general, in life it is best to get rid of negative thoughts by starting to do something, and it is better to help those who need help. Inner satisfaction from good done is the best medicine.

- How to solve this problem?

— There are no universal techniques. Each family has its own problems and its own reasons; each family is individual and unique. In complex cases, it is necessary to understand each specific situation. In general, we can say the following: the birth of a child is a test for any relationship, and how the family passes this test depends on both the husband and the wife. If the relationship between husband and wife is built on love, mutual respect, trust, then such a test will only strengthen them. Loving spouses support each other without demanding anything in return.

The situation through the eyes of men

With the birth of a baby, a man becomes the only breadwinner in the family. He is responsible for feeding the whole family. The workload becomes greater, since a fairly large amount of money is spent on daily child care (diapers, wipes, diapers, etc.). The nutrition of a nursing mother should also be complete, and high-quality products are not cheap. In addition, there are also household expenses. In this regard, many dads have to find part-time work. Therefore, the level of fatigue increases.

If a woman devotes all her time to the baby, the man may feel unwanted. And this is understandable. Before the baby was born there was tenderness, affection, spending time together, but now all this has gone somewhere. It is difficult for a young father to imagine what is happening to his wife at this moment, so there may be a feeling that the woman he loves has changed and all the love has passed.

The lack of intimacy also leaves its mark. Some couples stop having sex during pregnancy for medical reasons or personal reasons. Thinking that abstinence will end after childbirth leads to disappointment. After all, doctors prohibit sex immediately after the birth of a child. Many problems in the family after the birth of a long-awaited child arise precisely because of a long lack of intimacy between spouses.

Imagine the situation: an irritated and tired wife, a crying child, fatigue, lack of full communication - all this affects a man’s behavior, especially when it seems to him that no one wants to understand him.

Emotions and sensations

The picture of emotional sensations at this moment may be blurry:

lack of joy;
chronic fatigue;
drowsiness;
anxiety;
sleep disturbances, difficult dreams.

All these symptoms can appear singly, or they can be combined with each other. This is aggravated by physical and psychological reasons:

perineal injuries received during childbirth;
fear of pain during intimacy;
dissatisfaction with one's own appearance.

As a result, the desire for intimacy with her husband disappears. This is another reason why, after the birth of a child, your own husband may begin to enrage and irritate you. Often spouses begin to sleep separately.

Peculiarities of female perception

In turn, a woman may feel that her husband does not want to help her with the baby, that all worries fall on her fragile shoulders. Despite the fact that initially it was possible to distribute responsibilities, mom tries to take on all the tasks. And then she begins to suffer because no one understands how tired she is. This behavior can be explained by hormone surges. Also, one should not exclude a woman’s desire to prove to everyone that she is strong and can cope with all worries and problems. Perfectionism, which is inherent in many modern mothers to varying degrees, can also play a role.

It is also worth remembering how a new mother perceives changes in her appearance. When she loses self-confidence, she begins to feel like her husband doesn’t like her either. And this can develop either into excessive demands towards the spouse, or into irritation, which keeps growing and growing.

If this baby is not the first in the family, then after the birth of the youngest child the relationship with the eldest may deteriorate. This is explained by the fact that the mother concentrates more on the newborn, and the need of other children (or a child) for her attention, which can sometimes manifest itself in not very good behavior and whims, is perceived as an irritating factor.

Since female perception is heightened at such a moment, the mother feels all her emotions very clearly. It seems to her that she stopped loving her husband after the birth of her child, and she has no idea how to get over it. Excessive fatigue and the amount of worries, superimposed on all this, can ultimately lead to depression, which will no longer be possible to cope with without the help of specialists.

Is it always the husband's fault?

Unfortunately, there are often situations when, after giving birth, a woman really does not receive help from her husband, gets bogged down in household chores, burdens the whole family, and suffers neglect and hurtful comments about her appearance from her husband. In this case, anger, resentment and irritation are quite normal reactions. The husband who does not want to reconsider his behavior is really to blame here.

But it also happens that the spouse tries his best, and the irritation in the marriage comes from the woman. And there are not always adequate reasons for this. Representatives of the fairer sex are excellent at creating a problem in their heads, and then projecting it into reality, even under normal conditions. What can we say about the period after childbirth, when hormones are raging, confidence in one’s attractiveness is at zero, and due to chronic fatigue, heart-rending self-pity appears. Against this background, creating a situation in which the husband finds himself in the role of a villain is as easy as shelling pears. Moreover, the spouse does not even need to do anything for this. For clarity, let's look at a few examples:

· my husband didn’t invite me to the corporate party, which means he’s embarrassed by my appearance and doesn’t want to show me off to his colleagues; · my husband is a rock, because he was tired at work and didn’t want intimacy - that means he considers me unattractive, he stopped loving me, and he has someone else; · came home from work and immediately lay down on the sofa in front of the TV - he doesn’t understand how difficult it is for me to be alone with my child, which means he doesn’t love me at all; · my husband ordered pizza and said that he didn’t want me to strain at the stove - he wasn’t happy with the way I cooked, but I try so hard for him, despite being busy with caring for the child; · to the question: “What do I look like,” my husband answered “normal” - in fact, he considers me ugly, because I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy. There are a huge number of such examples. Of course, sometimes such guesses are really justified and truthful, but in most cases, a woman thinks up something that actually isn’t there and gets offended by her husband, without telling the reason for her offense. As a result, the spouse is confused, not understanding what he did wrong.

If you live with your parents

Living together with the husband's or wife's parents also affects peace in a young family. Both men and women generally try to maintain good relations with the parents of their spouse, even if there are some difficulties with this. But living together with them is more difficult than just regular meetings at family gatherings. Even a husband and wife can quarrel among themselves, rubbing against each other. And, no matter how much respect you have for your spouse’s parents, during “close” communication, in any case, some conflict situations will arise.

More often it happens that a young family lives with the husband’s parents. The relationship between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law is a special topic. In the case where there is a place for conflicts in their relationship, after the birth of the baby the situation may worsen.

As a rule, having extensive experience in raising children, the mother-in-law will not miss the opportunity to give valuable advice or correct her daughter-in-law in something. Heightened maternal perception at this moment can lead to a quarrel. Also, a woman can be stressed by overprotection, which sometimes manifests itself in the grandmother’s care for her own grandson (or granddaughter). She experiences very strong jealousy at this moment, which is caused to some extent by hormones.

Such problems usually result in quarrels between mom and dad, if the new mother does not find the courage to object to her mother-in-law. The man is offended that his wife cannot find a common language with his mother. The woman is upset that she does not see, as it seems to her, proper protection in her husband. Often, it is precisely because a young family lives together with the parents of one of the spouses that passions arise so intense that divorce after the birth of a child seems inevitable.

What not to do

There are several ways to end your marriage.

Continue to remain silent, collecting your rage inside yourself. In this case, after the birth of the child, the husband will irritate and enrage more and more.
Invent new shortcomings for your significant other.
Refusing intimate life or enduring sexual relations for the sake of a partner.
Sleep separately from each other. If there is no intimacy, this does not mean that you need to stay away.
Blame everything that annoys you on your husband.
Stop monitoring your appearance. The excuse is that there is no time, it is unlikely to bring you closer.
Refuse to visit friends, walk together, go to the cinema, or communicate with the outside world.

How to improve your relationship with your husband?

How to save a family after the birth of a child? The best way to change a tense situation is to talk openly with each other. Try to understand what exactly your spouse is experiencing and why the problems arose. It is necessary to express your feelings and vision of the problem completely calmly, without shouting or hysterics. Talking can help you find common ground and come to the understanding that you are family. And this means that problems need to be solved together.
Some mothers say: “My husband went to sleep in another room after the birth of the child. And it’s more convenient for me this way.” Do not forget that, whatever the situation in the family, such distance from each other will only lead to the fact that the relationship will become colder over time. Try not to let this happen. Let your spouse understand that without his hugs, without the opportunity to lie with each other and talk about something when the baby has already fallen asleep, you feel bad. Start taking the initiative - hug your tired husband more often, be gentle, don’t start making complaints right away. This may help correct the situation.
If your husband does not want intimacy after the birth of the child, think about whether you are the reason for this. Long-term abstinence is difficult for men, and if there is no sex for a long time even after the baby is born, this can affect a gradual decrease in desire. Indeed, in family relationships, the desire for intimacy should be mutual. Of course, now it has faded into the background, because, first of all, it is necessary to take care of the baby, but even in this situation it is necessary to set priorities wisely. You should not plunge headlong into caring for your child, forgetting about everything else. And if your reluctance to have intimacy arises due to painful sensations in the genital area, consult a doctor to rule out the presence of any pathologies.
Don't forget that you are not only a mother, but also a woman. Having built a daily routine, you will be able to devote at least some time to yourself. Get a new hairstyle, buy home clothes that you like, find an opportunity to soak in the bathroom. If you are desperately short of time, ask your husband or your mother for help. Your man will be pleased that you take care of yourself. And you, in turn, will be able to feel more confident in yourself, which will have a positive effect on your relationship.
Distribute responsibilities. Yes, dad also needs to feel like a father. Together you will be able to cope with difficulties more easily. And how nice it is to rejoice at some new successes of the baby, all the changes happening to him, if you both take part in caring for him. Of course, not every man finds it easy to change a diaper the first time, but this does not mean that he should be deprived of the opportunity to learn how to do it.
Try to find time to communicate with each other. Your baby will grow up and eventually start his own family, but you need to work on the relationships in your family. And the birth of a child should not become an obstacle to a good relationship. By asking parents to sit with the baby during his nap, you can go to the cinema or to a cafe, or even just for a walk. Communicate with each other. Communication plays a big role in family relationships.
Treat temporary difficulties with humor. Laughter is a great medicine. Especially if you and your husband can laugh at something together. And if it seems to you that everything is very bad now, think that this is temporary. The child will grow up and it will become easier. Remember how good it was for you at the very beginning of the relationship, how you went on dates and spent time together. Remember all the tenderness that was between you. Remind your husband of this. Show by your attitude towards him that nothing has changed. Then you will be able to survive this period without unnecessary problems.

And now about mom

A young mother cannot live without special attention and care. Moreover, the husband’s concern should not be limited only to making money. Kind words, a bouquet of flowers just like that, help with housework and child care - sometimes this is enough to keep a strong family together.

“The husband must constantly remember that his wife has it much more difficult than him, especially after returning home from the maternity hospital. Her body experienced radical physiological and hormonal changes. If this is their first child, then the wife cannot help but feel seriously concerned. The child constantly requires enormous nervous and physiological stress from her: In order to give a lot of mental strength to the child, she must receive increased care and attention from her husband,” these golden words belong to our beloved Benjamin Spock.

“The birth of a child in my family was definitely stressful, and even very strong,” says Dmitry. “And here it is very important not to withdraw into yourself, but to talk through all the problems that arise... An abstract understanding that during this period it is very difficult for a woman is not enough. And maybe I’m wrong, but it is the man who bears the very responsibility that everyone talks about... Only, as a rule, they talk about “responsibility for the wife and child,” and here the responsibility for precisely those very things is also important relationship…

“I must say, the men settled down well,” says Konstantin. “A woman carries a child for nine months, then gives birth to him in agony, and then she herself wipes his snot, changes diapers, does not sleep at night... I love and feel sorry for my wife. I try to help her in everything with the child, not only in words, but also in deeds. If possible, I would sit at home with her and our six-month-old son. But the world is designed in such a way that a man needs to go to work.

In addition to all other difficulties, you also need to remember about “postpartum depression” (or “baby blues syndrome”), which, like a bolt from the blue, falls on poor women after the birth of a child. It would seem that we should rejoice: here he is, the long-awaited beloved baby! Healthy, cheerful: but no, the young mother is crying for something, shedding tears, getting upset. According to statistics, every tenth woman giving birth is susceptible to deep postpartum depression, which can last up to a year. Most often these are women 25-45 years old.

Here you definitely need to be aware of the matter in order to safely survive the gloomy period. Doctors say that it’s all about the unstable position of hormones, restructuring of the body, and so on. But I know from myself that the very fact of the birth of a first child is a great shock for a woman. This has definitely never happened to you before! The sensations are, to say the least, impressive... The experience makes your hair stand on end. And I don’t mean physical pain and fear, although that exists too, I’m talking about the psychological feeling. To show this world a new person, a real living person - that’s the point! Here you can get not only depression, but also temporary clouding of your mind.

Your first helpers when postpartum depression sets in are your husband and loved ones. They must clearly understand the nature of your anxiety, unreasonable crying and fears. Under no circumstances should you scold and reproach a poor woman for being overly worried, twitching at every occasion and crying. Treat the young mother with understanding, if you can’t calm her down, then at least don’t escalate the situation yourself, keep silent once again... Remember, this condition is completely normal, and it will pass soon.

At the same time, a young mother herself should not fall into universal sadness and grief. Try to control yourself as much as possible. If it is within your power, try not to lash out at your husband for minor offenses. Sometimes the fatigue accumulated during the day makes us uncontrollable and irritable, but this is not a reason to swear and quarrel with loved ones.

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What to do if you can’t resolve a conflict situation at all?

In some cases the situation goes too far. And sometimes you can’t do it without the help of specialists. Not all married couples are ready to admit this, not everyone wants to talk about their problems. However, consulting a family psychologist can have a positive impact on the relationship between husband and wife. Therefore, if you cannot resolve the situation on your own, consider seeking help from someone who can help you understand your problems.

It also happens that a woman may experience postpartum depression, which is caused by the action of hormones. Knowing this, the husband should not sort things out with his wife or wait for this to pass. It’s better to find a specialist who will prescribe therapy and help your beloved woman get out of this “pool.”

Causes of problems through the eyes of a woman

Barbs, jokes (even the most good-natured ones) about her appearance. Mom perceives the most harmless remarks as a mockery of her changed appearance. She blames her husband for these changes, and he begins to irritate her.
Lack of attention signs. The child in the family becomes person No. 1. All the attention of his relatives is focused on him. Mom considers herself disadvantaged. Dad has the same feelings. But they do not always consider it necessary to discuss this.
Lack of funds. The woman doesn't work. Family income is decreasing. Costs are rising. Such a necessary release as shopping becomes rare or impossible. According to the woman, it is her husband's fault. Therefore, after the birth of the child, he begins to irritate and enrage her more and more.
Spouse's long stay at work. My husband is trying to find a part-time job. He spends less and less time at home. Sometimes the problem isn't even work. A man tries to hide from emerging problems and his wife’s nagging, citing business.
Jealousy of the child. If dad is caring and active, this can also cause dissatisfaction with his wife. Realizing that they can do without her, she loses her sense of self-worth. In such cases, the woman pulls the blanket of household routine even more upon herself. The desire to become irreplaceable and exceptional, an ideal mother, causes even greater irritation towards the husband.
Experienced stress and pain during childbirth. After them, the woman cannot come to her senses for a long time and subconsciously blames her husband for this.