The ex-wife is building a relationship with another man. I can't live without her

People experience the period of acute feelings about the loss of a relationship in different ways.
Some people overcome the difficulties of separation in two to three months, while others may need more than a year. Not everyone manages to go through all the stages of a breakup with dignity and properly build a new relationship.

It is during this difficult period that women often enter into vicarious relationships, trying to overcome the pain of loss and find comfort as quickly as possible.

Psychological type

We will not consider them from the point of view of well-known and generally accepted classifications. We will use “freestyle”. There are 5 main psychotypes:

Girl with a rod
Sensual and vulnerable nature
Girl-girl
Girl Commander
Optimist in life

Each of them, in tandem with the cause, will equal a different emotional depth.

A girl with a core will not necessarily be a leader by nature, like an iron lady. Here we are talking about something else: she will not suffer! Yes, she will be hurt, yes, she may even cry, but then she will pull herself together and move on through life with her head held high.

The focus of her attention will be shifted - she may overload herself with work. He might enroll in some kind of creative studio, or start learning the basics of programming.

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She will fill the emptiness after parting not with suffering, but with something productive and positive for her.

But if we are talking about a girl commander, then as soon as the “subordinate” leaves the field of her influence, she will begin to experience discomfort, but with a small remark: only until a new object for “subordination” appears.
The most “defenseless,” as you most likely guessed yourself, are a sensual and vulnerable nature, and a girly girl. They have no internal support points; they are like a delicate flower that can die under a gust of strong wind. In this case, it means that they plunge headlong into their suffering.

They need a guy who will protect, take care, and hide from this “wind”.

As for another type - an optimist in life, she can also cry, suffer, but when emotions subside (and this will happen very quickly), she will definitely find something positive and positive in the breakup. He will put this into the treasury of his experience and move on along his life path.

The key is that she doesn't wallow in the misery of the breakup. She closes this situation to herself.

Benefits and Benefits

Despite the fact that experts do not advise entering into a replacement relationship immediately after a breakup, it should also be recognized that there are positive aspects for women in the new communication that develops after a breakup with a partner :

this is good support, a source of strength and energy during the difficult period immediately after a breakup;
they raise a woman’s self-esteem in her own eyes;
distract from painful memories;
fill free time;
make you feel needed, important and worthy of love;
women in substitute relationships find consolation, support, and can more easily endure mental pain after a breakup;
the new partner acts as a psychotherapist and friend for them, while providing a comfortable state for soul and body.

There are undoubtedly advantages for a woman during the period of substitution relationships. They help you go through all the stages of separation easier and avoid a long stay in depression.

However, trying to get away from suffering and overcome the pain of separation as quickly as possible, an abandoned woman dreams of becoming happy with a new partner. But this is impossible, since vicarious relationships have nothing to do with mature love .

How can a woman understand that she has entered into a substitution relationship?

It can be quite difficult to admit that new love after a breakup is not sincere feelings, but only substitute ones. Sometimes it’s even impossible, because the desire to get rid of difficult memories and hope for a miracle from communicating with a new partner is too great.

You can understand that a woman has entered into just such a relationship by the following signs::

Memories constantly bring her back to the happy moments spent with her former partner.
In her mind, the woman paints pictures of reconciliation and the return of the previous relationship, although she understands that this is impossible. She dreams that her ex will see her with a new partner.
A woman constantly wants to talk about her ex, because she has not yet mentally let him go and has not accepted the breakup. She happily talks about her resentment and pain to her new partner, in whom she often sees a friend with whom she can “cry into her vest.”
She perceives her new partner as a means of consolation. His personality interests her little.
She wants to maintain new communication rather for status, in order to prove to herself and the person who left her that everything is fine with her.
I like the attention and sympathy from the new guy.
A feature of the psychological state characteristic of replacement relationships is unstable mood and multidirectional feelings towards the ex. Their range fluctuates between not yet extinguished love and hatred, anger and sadness, shame and guilt.
In the early stages of a breakup, a woman may spontaneously direct all the power of her feelings towards a new partner, not always realizing why this is happening, because she has not yet fully recovered from the breakup.
Looks for character traits and features of the ex’s appearance in the new guy that are reminiscent of his former love. But instead of bringing you closer, this only prolongs the suffering of breaking up with your former partner.

The main driver of a new relationship is the desire to prove to the ex that she is worthy of love. Psychologists say that during replacement, a woman puts both herself and her new partner in danger. Disappointment instead of consolation is the natural result of vicarious love relationships.

How to behave?

Substitution is a characteristic sign of an open gestalt, when old feelings have not yet cooled down and the relationship is not completed.

In order not to find yourself in the role of a consoled or comforter,
you should not waste time and nerves on imaginary feelings that cannot develop into true love , you should listen to the advice of psychologists:

At the slightest suspicion that the relationship that has arisen is of a substitutionary nature, it is most advisable to immediately terminate it.
Empathy and sympathy are wonderful feelings that indicate responsiveness and sensitivity. However, this should have nothing to do with the hope of deep and sublime love.
Finding yourself in such a relationship, it makes no sense to make far-reaching plans or hope to create a strong union and high feelings.
If the new partner has not yet gone through all the stages of the breakup, the memories of unhappy love are still alive in him and the experiences are too fresh, it is better to stop communicating with him.
Having learned about a past failed union is accompanied by a painful reaction when mentioning it, it is better not to build a new love relationship if less than a year has passed since the breakup with the previous partner.
The desire to constantly talk about a former partner or a ban on mentioning him also indicates an unfinished relationship in which it is impossible to enter into new ones.

It is not possible to build a new relationship, trying to save your partner from the old ones . Therefore, a suffering person must go through all the stages of a breakup and only then enter into new ones, in which the main place will be occupied by interest and respect for the partner. Only in this case will it be possible to wait for true love, which brings joy from communication.

Otherwise, you can become a participant in a painful triangle, which sooner or later ends in disappointment, a new breakup and a difficult way out of the breakup.

If it is difficult to cope with a breakup on your own, you need to seek help from a psychologist or psychotherapist.

How to get your ex-girlfriend back after breaking up if she has someone else: tips

The beloved left for another. This fact can throw any man off balance. Wounded pride, decreased self-esteem, and a blow to pride come to the fore. A man begins to look for his shortcomings, tries to understand why he (the other) is better. Therefore, before you begin active steps to return your beloved, you should adequately assess your feelings. It must be remembered that only decent behavior will help you get your girl back. So, how to get your ex-girlfriend back after breaking up if she has someone else? Here are the tips:

Do not make a scandal under any circumstances; you should not fight with your opponent, insult, or threaten with violence. This will push the girl away even more, and she definitely won’t want to come back.
You should not humiliate yourself, shed tears, or beg for forgiveness. A man who looks pathetic loses respect.
There is no need to be an overly intrusive person. Chase her, wait at the entrance, write SMS, call often. This can only cause irritation.
Blackmail and promises to do something terrible will also not lead to the desired result.

But it will be very effective to show yourself as a strong and confident man. Then the girl will begin to doubt the correctness of her decision:

You need to give your loved one time to think, and not force events. And, as if inadvertently, to remind you of yourself.
It will be useful to show that the guy has realized his mistakes and has changed.
You can invite someone somewhere and make a pleasant surprise.
It’s good to awaken her pleasant memories, gently remind her of the moments spent together. It is possible that these memories will bring back the old feelings.
The main thing is to remain calm, friendly, and not bother you with your presence.

No matter how passionate the girl is about her new chosen one, such unobtrusive signs of attention can work a miracle.

False reasons for a girl leaving for another

I have collected for you the fattest noodles that men catch on their ears in the process of breaking up. You could have heard these arguments from a girl, her and your friends, picked them up on the Internet, or come up with them yourself under the influence of feelings of guilt. The illusions listed could have been harmless nonsense if it weren’t for your emotional state. Hundreds of people contact me a month, most of them have already tried to return their loved one on their own. And every second person believed in these erroneous statements and made mistakes. Now their situations have become more complex and painful.

Spent little time

At the time of the breakup or shortly before it, the guy may hear “You haven’t paid me any attention at all this month/year.” Before you sprint to your ex, in order to make up for all the lack of love at once, conduct an analysis. How many happy relationships have you seen where the guy wants to spend all his time with his beloved? Surely you had a similar experience: you and your lover didn’t get out of bed for two days, then you walked hand in hand for a day, went back to bed and after a couple of weeks there were whims, and a month later you separated. A person appreciates what is not constantly available 24/7. But the obsessive attention from the boy in love, on the contrary, becomes boring: he becomes a boring boy.

We're talking about reasonable limits for missing you in a girl's life, not about long-distance relationships. When you spend six months in Alaska, three months in Hanalulu and two weeks in Paris, and the girl stays at home, the risk of her leaving is high, but this can hardly be called a healthy relationship.

You stopped developing and pulled her down

A statement in the style: “I fell in love with a smart, interesting and promising person, and you became a nerd” is a woman’s attempt to justify her emotional urge. She evaluates the status of a man in a couple not by his actions in the outside world, but by his ability to be stronger than herself. That’s why Kolka’s friend from the next door told your ex that a man should earn 200, but she didn’t leave Kolenka. After all, Kolka is a simple guy: he hears about two hundred thousand - he shows the short way to the door. I understand that such behavior seems extreme, but even this is more effective than trying to tie a woman with your success in business or science. Let me give you another argument: Napoleon Bonaparte, Sergey Brin, Elon Musk - each of these men was abandoned by the women they loved. They didn’t just leave, they went to others.

Routine killed passion in relationships

Infantile people like to talk about everyday life, for whom relationships are like flowers and butterflies in a spring meadow. Those who like to create a series of Mexican passions in their homes also complain about boredom. Such relationships are initially doomed to break: both are looking for emotional fumes in them, but they are short-term.

The reason itself is true: some women cannot live without drama and extreme emotional swings. The end of a relationship with such a girl is a holiday for a man. After all, the longer the series goes on, the more epic the final drama will be. It is better to survive such a break now than to die from a heart attack at a more serious age.

It’s easy to recognize a lady who is addicted to emotional carousels: in your couple, conflicts formed the basis of the relationship, sometimes they were interrupted for hot sex, then a couple of calm days and then again. Emotionally healthy girls experience the bulk of restless feelings within themselves according to the scenario “I came up with it myself.” They don't need mind blowing and extreme intercourse in a parachute jump. It’s enough not to feed him attention. Then the man’s return from work will be a joyful event, and a fishing trip with him will be the cherished desire of the lover.

There was no development of relations

At the start, the girl was in love with you. The vivid emotions of your meetings aroused the desire to continue happiness forever. Darling hinted at your life together, fantasized about your wedding, about three little ones who would all look like dad. In such cases, men do not rush down the aisle: why tie a woman with a seal when she is already emotionally attached?

A relaxed guy misses the point of changing female behavior. He opens his eyes only when instead of “Darling, I cooked something delicious and stroked your favorite laces. I'm waiting for you at home. I love you” receives the message “Where are you hanging around, dog?!” Here indignation boils over and a quarrel begins.

The scandal ends with the words “Our relationship has reached a dead end. I thought I meant more to you.” This is a hint of a breakup; the man gets scared and apologizes so as not to lose. Then guilt rolls in: I didn’t appreciate her love, I trampled on her feelings. He jumps up from the sofa, where he was sent to think about his behavior that night. The eyes glow with the happiness of discovery, the breathing is unsteady, and the hands are counting the stash. Tomorrow after work, the guy goes to the jewelry store, and the next day he arranges a presentation of the ring by candlelight. She smiles sadly and replies, “It’s too late, baby, I should have offered it earlier.” The same story with children if the couple is already married. The man bows his head guiltily and presses his ears back: he is guilty and repents. This step guarantees the appearance of Vasily in their relationship.

Vasyan is better than you in everything

And here is our hero: a handsome man, an athlete, a billionaire philanthropist with seven days off a week. When he walks down the street, girls freeze with delight, and impressionable old women at the windows climb into the cabinet for Corvalol. Light wrinkles around the eyes guarantee that he is a kind person, and he is also an ideal father according to his zodiac sign!

Meet you - this is you from the beginning of the relationship. And now, this is how Vaska sees a woman. You already know that this won't last long. So why do you believe the girl’s words and your own fantasies about the advantages of the new gentleman over you? You beat yourself up because of the guilt you feel after the breakup. The second reason is more mundane: a woman chooses a partner who has opposite qualities as a replacement. You were crazy about sports - you went to a programmer, you sat at home for days - to a tourist. It’s impossible to throw Vaska out of your ex’s bed now, but at least get him out of your own head.

Danger and negative consequences

A breakup with a partner is always a painful process for a woman, prompting her to quickly enter into new communication. The apparent relief from pain is a temporary phenomenon, with a high degree of probability leading to a new separation from a random new partner.

The main danger of quick replacement in partnerships is replacing real feelings and abandoning them.

This leads to an incomplete experience of all stages of separation, including sadness, pain, even despair, characteristic of a breakup. However, these feelings must be experienced and not simply eliminated for full recovery.

In addition, entering into a replacement relationship immediately after a breakup
does not allow one to realize and weigh the mistakes of past relationships and determine the criteria for new relationships so as not to repeat the old ones.
In addition, the desire to heal a mental wound and find comfort may not coincide with the aspirations and hopes of the new partner. After all, he may be hoping for a serious, long-term relationship, while the woman is trying to win back her previous ones.

In this case, a new separation is possible, even more dramatic and leaving a deep wound for both partners.

The prospects for such relationships are predetermined - they are practically non-existent . Having received support and consolation, having gotten rid of acute mental pain, the woman begins to feel burdened by the company of her new partner. And he is already beginning to be disappointed in him, provoking the next round of an endless chain of new relationships in search of the one and only one.

When is a specialist needed?

It is not always possible to restore relationships and family on your own. There are circumstances when specialist help is required. When is it needed?

Firstly, all types of husband addiction need therapy . The man himself cannot cope with this problem. Therefore, you should contact a specialist.

Secondly, a man who has practiced some type of violence in the family will need the help of a psychotherapist . It will help cope with attacks of aggression.

Thirdly, a psychologist can provide effective help in a situation with betrayal , when emotions are overwhelming.

Before you return and take any steps, think about whether you need it, or whether it’s just jealousy, and whether she needs it now. Perhaps she is happy. Wait a while, your emotions will pass and you can move on to another. If the love is strong and you can’t forget, be patient for a while. Maybe she will end the relationship and you can take action. Good luck!