How many stages does a person go through when losing a loved one?

Death is always grief for people close to the deceased. But even when the deceased is buried, his relatives remain inconsolable for many months. How to help in such a situation?

First of all, it is necessary to understand: there are several psychological stages that every grieving person goes through. Overcoming these stages helps people restore mental balance, disturbed by the sudden breakdown of ties with the deceased. At each stage, grief feels slightly different than at the other - knowing this makes it easier to support the person. If his condition suddenly worsens, you can figure out whether the grieving person needs qualified help from a psychologist.

Stages of grief after the death of a loved one

2021-02-25

The content of the article:

Stages of accepting grief in psychology Post-traumatic stress - applicable to the death of a loved one Natural reaction to grief Pathological reactions How long to grieve - what does “too long” mean Getting out of grief Is it possible to be prepared for the death of a loved one Allow yourself to move on Help someone else cope with grief “Diary of memories”

No matter how hard you try, you cannot prepare for the death of a loved one, even if he is terminally ill. In essence, this is a biological event, the natural end of life. But we experience deep grief that breaks our hearts and changes our lives. And they deal with it differently.

But when we lose loved ones, we all go through certain stages of grief. Because every loss inevitably triggers the grieving process. Knowing all its stages will help you come to terms with reality and help others cope with grief.

Some people, after grieving for a week, return to their usual routine. Others cope after six months. For some, 20 years is not enough to come to their senses. For them, even one reminder is stress, which often turns into a pathological state.

Stage 5 – Resumption. Duration: until the second anniversary

A year without a loved one becomes a kind of milestone in the life of the bereaved. Now in his memories he focuses on three periods:

• cases from the year before last when the deceased was in good health;
• instances in the past year when the bereaved experienced a loss acutely;
• cases this year when the death of a loved one is perceived as a fact that happened.

In the second year, the mourner may experience in a mild form the same emotional impulses as a year ago. However, now it is easier for him to admit, understand and accept what happened. He knows how to deal with his aggression and guilt, tears and moments of quiet joy. If necessary, you can arrange a kind of mini-remembrance in one of the cafes in St. Petersburg. The event can be timed to coincide with Radonitsa, Parents' Saturdays, or the birthday of the deceased. The mourner simply needs to be in the circle of those who can remember the deceased with a kind word, look through photographs together, and watch videos shared with the deceased.

Stages of accepting grief in psychology

Oddly enough, psychologists believe that grief is a necessary process. There is no need to divert the attention of the mourners from a difficult life situation. They must cry, experience all the emotions that accompany bereavement, and go through the inevitable stages of grief. And here it is very important to support those who received sad news or experienced an event, but did not fully accept the fact.

Support will help them not to break down, return to life faster and with less losses - even if it is divided into “before” and “after” for them - and let go of grief. To do this, relatives need to understand at what stage of mourning their loved one is now. Psychologists identify 5-7 most common stages. However, each of them can last differently.

Shock

. The most common emotion. It is experienced in different ways. Some, having closed themselves off, hide the things of the deceased, because the slightest reminder of him causes severe suffering and pain, or they do not change anything in his room. Others, having fallen into a stupor, remain silent or cry, forgetting about food, children and work. Still others are isolated or actively involved in funerals. But emotion is saving, because... is a kind of self-defense. Unless, of course, it drags on for a long time and does not turn into depression, for example.

Negation.

Non-acceptance of death, protest can begin earlier than shock, go in parallel with it and other stages, or appear later. But the death of a loved one is denied in different ways. To the point of categorically challenging a tragic fact, postponing the funeral (“Let him stay a while longer, we’ll have time to bury…”) or behavior that is illogical in relation to the deceased (setting the table for him, putting his things in bed, “noticing” him in the crowd, etc.). Why is this and why, why him and not me - these and other questions and guilt do not leave after the death of a loved one. “Survivor guilt” is a psychological term for this difficult feeling. It manifests itself especially clearly after the death of the closest people. In order for an awareness of the situation to come and the reasons for their departure to be found, the person exposes himself, remembers how he was rude or upset the deceased, did not ask for forgiveness, etc. Unfortunately, some live with this for years.

Anger

. The grieving person unleashes his anger and aggression on many, alternating with denial and shock. He grieves that he is alone in his misfortune, that no one helps or sympathizes with him. He quarrels with friends, colleagues, family. Angry at himself. Swears at Heaven. And he even switches to the deceased, whose death supposedly destroyed the rosy plans. Yes, it’s a bad state, but it’s better than withdrawing into oneself. After all, all accumulated negative emotions spill out through anger.

Bargain

. This reaction to what happened is an escape from pain. The grieving person seems to be trying to make a deal with the given. He plays out different situations, often associated with an obsessive “if only”. (“If I do such and such, it will bring him back...”, “If I were there...”, etc.), and tries to answer. Yes, the stage is exhausting, and let him bargain. After all, this helps not only to realize that the dead do not return, but also to survive what happened and regain a sense of control.

Sadness

or depression. It usually replaces the previous stages. It’s difficult for those who withdraw into themselves and don’t show emotions in public. Exhausting himself from the inside with a feeling of sadness, emptiness, losing control over himself, a person no longer believes that he can return to normal life. He doesn't need sympathy. He's gloomy. Avoids any contact. By suppressing feelings, he accumulates negative energy and feels even more unhappy. Psychologists note that alienation is natural during the period of grief, but prolonged alienation is dangerous.

Adoption

. Time passes, and the understanding that the dead will not return has appeared. But if someone manages to accept grief at the very beginning, then someone, after the second or fourth stage, comes to terms with the grave loss. The main thing is that, having received the necessary support, a person gains clarity and a feeling that he can pull himself together and direct his life in the right direction. All the experiences that have taken possession of him up to this point will gradually weaken. And the mourner himself will feel relief and will gradually restore the destroyed social connections, make new ones, etc. Again, this takes a different amount of time for everyone because everyone experiences grief differently. Believers experience grief differently, knowing that death is a transition to another existence.

What else is important? All this is a generalized behavioral model. No one can say how long this or that stage will last. On average, experts say, it takes one and a half to two years to get through the situation normally. Moreover, a person can live in two dimensions - either return to the past, where his loved one was and where he died, or live in this time.

Another question is how not to cross the dangerous line - when the post-traumatic state, in which people often self-destruct, turns into a clinical pathology.

Stage 3: acceptance of the loss, full awareness of the loss. Lasts up to 6 months.

Grief comes in waves: now more, then less again. The fact is that the human consciousness adapts to ongoing grief, but not always successfully. In the middle of this stage (3rd month) there is often a sharp decline: internal reserves are depleted, barriers fall - the pain of loss is more acute than ever, and there is no feeling that this will ever change. During this period, correct, albeit unusual, feelings arise: guilt before the deceased (“you are dead, and I am here, among the living”), anger at the deceased (“you left me, you left me!”), anger at third parties.

Let's talk briefly about each of them:

• guilt before the deceased, oddly enough, is an attempt to restore a sense of control over what is happening. For many, it is accompanied by thoughts like “I could have done something to prevent this from happening” - however, in most cases this is not factually true, but is only an attempt by memory to rethink death in the usual way.
• Anger at the deceased is also normal, but only for a while. It is often accompanied by a feeling of personal resentment, as if the death was a deliberate act. Many people are embarrassed by the very occurrence of such a thought, but it should be accepted and overcome.
• Finally, anger at third parties most often arises as a “transfer effect.” Public opinion condemns the feeling of anger towards the dead, so consciousness seeks a way out, projecting it onto doctors, directors, the country and even religious figures (“the saint did not help in time”). This phase also has its time, but it is important not to let it drag on beyond measure.

During the entire 3rd stage, the mourner learns to exist without the deceased. During the normal “work of mourning,” the deceased ceases to appear in dreams in everyday situations, but often appears in other worlds, etc.

Post-traumatic stress – applicable to the death of a loved one

Psychiatrists and psychologists talk about two types of reactions to acute grief in people after the death of a loved one.

Natural reaction to grief

It is generally accepted that if loved ones worry “too much,” then there is “something wrong” with them. No, they're fine. It makes those around them uncomfortable. It would be strange if a person, having received terrible news, would smile, and not be sad, not grieve. “Normal” grief (and there is such a term in psychology) consists of the following reaction:

• physical suffering (tightness in the chest, weakness, spasms in the throat, etc.);
• behavioral problems (hurried or slow speech, inconsistency in actions and thoughts, loss of interest in everything, insomnia, etc.);
• cognitive signs (confused thoughts, self-doubt, problems with attention);
• emotional symptoms (feelings of guilt, loneliness, helplessness).

Pathological reactions

Where does normal grief end and complicated grief begin? Where the death of a loved one is experienced too hard and for a long time (people get stuck, fixating on one state) or where grief destroys those grieving or those around them. Then note:

1. stupor;
2. paranoid reaction to loss;
3. rash decisions;
4. health problems that are life-threatening or severely harmful.

In a situation that could lead to death from grief, you should seek help from doctors, psychologists or psychotherapists.

How to take care of yourself?

There is no need to be alone, to withdraw into yourself. Grief itself is enormously isolating. We need to look for help, psychologists, helplines, call friends. Books can also help because they reduce uncertainty. There are groups on the Internet where you can find support. If a person immediately finds himself in a community, he is warmed up there by the same “crippled” people who have gone through a similar experience. By listening or reading what others have experienced similar things, a person understands that what he feels in his situation is as normal as normal can be. Slowly, step by step, a person begins to get out of his pain, relying on the support of other people who have already lived this path.

At first, you shouldn’t give up sedatives and antidepressants, they provide a resource. You need to find a competent doctor who will select the right medications. There are stages that are very difficult for a person to go through on their own without medication support.

In our culture, it is not customary to talk about and prepare for death. But trying to turn away from this topic only aggravates the condition when confronted with it.

How long to grieve – what does “too long” mean?

Grief lasts differently for everyone. On average, shock and denial of loss takes from a day to several weeks. Many return to their business after 2-5 weeks. But after the loss of those closest to them, relatives begin to show signs of acute grief from the loss. They experience longing, grief, and anger for a very long time. The period of helplessness lasts 3-12 months.

Too long is when someone is stuck grieving for up to six months. Some people do not get out of their state even by the anniversary of the funeral, and even after dozens of years.

How to cope with the bitterness of loss on your own

If you are faced with an irreparable loss, give yourself time to accept it and understand that your past life will not return. But the pain will subside, the emotions will subside and bright sadness and good memories will remain. Here's how you can help yourself on your journey from grief to peace.

• Don't keep your feelings to yourself. Don't try to be comfortable quiet and hassle-free. While emotions are overwhelming, do not try to hold them back, do not smile forcefully. If you are very embarrassed to pour out your soul in front of others, seclude yourself, go to the forest, where no one will see, and give free rein to your tears. Together with them, cortisol, the stress hormone, will leave your body, and relief will come.
• Try keeping a diary. Describe whatever you want there. Your memories of the deceased, or your present feelings, your vision of the future without him, or all of this at once. You will see over time, this practice will give you peace and order in your thoughts, and therefore in your emotions.
• Write a letter to the deceased, write everything you think is necessary, including your anger and bitterness because he left you. Yes, it’s not constructive, but these feelings exist and they need to be given vent.
• There is such a technique: “Memory Banks”. Take two large jars or vases, it is important that they are transparent. Write down on pieces of paper all the good memories associated with the deceased and your life with him, and put them in one jar. On other pieces of paper, write all the bad memories and negative emotions and put them in the second jar. Over time, the flow of memory will weaken and symbolic release of negative memories can be carried out. You can take out all the bad pieces of paper, crumple them up and burn them. On the contrary, put the jar with good memories in a prominent place so that you can clearly see how many good things you had and have not gone anywhere. This ritual will help you release your emotions, especially if you have recurring negative thoughts that haunt you. And concentrate on the good things that were and will forever remain with you about your departed loved one.

These are just a few techniques that can help you cope with loss, but remember, the only healer for grief is time.

Way out of grief

The person is forced to accept what happened. But grieving is a long process. It must be lived to the end in order to realize not only the loss itself, but also that it is time to return to life, to return to yourself. Therefore, we need to get together and at the same time:

• think about yourself and your health;
• give vent to your feelings and emotions through, for example, creativity, tourism, etc.;
• do not set boundaries for grief;
• do not delve into the past;
• be distracted by the living (children or parents, relatives and friends);
• accept outside support.

Stage 2: rejection. Lasts about 35-40 days.

The custom of celebrating a wake naturally formed at the border of the period when the psyche of people is ready to “part with” the deceased. At this stage, consciousness is already able to comprehend the loss, but the subconscious and bodily memory are not. This is where hallucinations sometimes arise: people see the deceased in a crowd, hear something like an echo of footsteps, etc.

In particular, dreams about a dead person should be perceived positively. If the loss is very acute, it would not be a bad idea to encourage the deceased to look into the dream. The opposite is dangerous: if at this stage the deceased has not been dreamed of at all, then it seems that the “work of mourning” has somehow stalled, and psychological consultation is needed. Support all conversations that arise regarding the deceased. Crying at this stage should be viewed positively.

Is it possible to be prepared for the death of a loved one?

Is it possible to be prepared for a stunning tragedy that leaves scars on the soul for life? You don’t get used to death, especially if it’s your first time or even if you know about its inevitability. But psychological preparation is possible.

1. It is advisable to spend more time with a terminally ill person. Let him talk about what is important to him. If he is unconscious, talk in front of him about what has not yet been told to him, etc. He can hear you.
2. Convince a relative whose work involves a risk to his life to move to another place. But if his work is important to him, just be with him more often.
3. With elderly relatives, like with all people, this will also happen. This must be taken as a given. Pay more attention to them, listen to their stories, take an interest in their lives, give advice.
4. Death is always unexpected. But you have to accept the fact. And the sooner, the easier it will be to recover from the blow. Pray for the repose of the deceased, talk about him with those who knew him, apologize to the deceased, tell him everything you would like to say during your lifetime.

Stage 4 – Consolation. Duration: until the first anniversary

At the fourth stage, when a person has learned to live without the deceased in everyday matters, peace comes to the soul. Quiet, calm memories and leafing through photo albums no longer bring tears. New cases from the past come to mind. The negativity when thinking about the deceased goes away, all that remains is a quiet recognition of the fact that a loved one has died.

Otherwise, this period can be called “light sadness.” The mourner seems to be nostalgic for past times, but accepts life as it is. This is largely facilitated by the situation, which often remains the same as it was during the life of the deceased. At the same time, past experiences are now perceived more calmly, with a certain quiet joy and peace.

Allow yourself to move on with your life

The living have no alternative. We must live on, building a new life and way of life in which the deceased no longer exists. But how to start enjoying life again! Is it really possible to become happy or fall in love again, because the memories are so fresh, and grief and guilt do not leave you?

We need to start helping ourselves get over what happened. It is important to understand yourself, forgive yourself, decide on your attitude towards the deceased, build your life and become happy.

• Don't feel sorry for yourself.
• Don't dwell on grief.
• Don't forbid yourself to live. There will be no second life, so enjoy it now.
• Don't be ashamed of happiness. Give it to others.
• Don't be afraid to love. Those who left this world definitely want you to live long and be happy.
• Help others by giving them some of your warmth.
• Once you admit your mistakes, apologize to those you have wronged and make amends.

All this, when the grief of loss is mourned, accepted and fully experienced, will help fill life with new colors. After all, the main assistant is time.

Fifth stage – Repetition of all stages

This stage continues until the end of the second year. The anniversary of death revives the pain of loss with renewed vigor, but the skill of managing grief has already been formed and experiencing outbursts of grief is much easier. After 1.5 years, a feeling of guilt towards the deceased may again arise, so during this period it is worth turning more to the bright memory and pleasant memories, you can arrange a dinner for loved ones, relatives and friends of the deceased.

And even if all stages have been completed, the person may need your sincere help and moral support.

Help someone else cope with grief

Helping people survive a tragedy is not so easy, but it is possible. It is important to know how to help, what to do at each stage of grief. Without support and sympathy, it will be difficult for the grieving person to get through the dark period of life.

1. If you are delivering terrible news, be close to him. Don’t speak right away, prepare first. And don’t leave him alone with a sedative at the ready.
2. Don't leave him if he wants to tell his friends and family this news.
3. Provide assistance in organizing the funeral and everything connected with it.
4. Help in going through all stages of grief, find sincere words, making it clear that the mourner is not alone and that a reliable shoulder is nearby.
5. Don't pretend nothing happened. Just support - in word and deed.
6. After a temporary period of relief, pain and sadness may return. Try to be around more often, if the person wants it, talk to him about something neutral or about the deceased, but don’t force him to say or do something against his will.

The main thing is to respect the mourner's right to all his reactions caused by death, even if he starts breaking dishes. You need to throw out your grief and cry!

Between life and death

When we love someone, a special contact arises between us; we mentally, and often physically, follow the one who is dear to us. “And if this person dies, the one who remains may unwittingly regard his life as a betrayal,” explains Vladimir Baskakov. “After all, he “had” to follow the deceased, as he followed him during life.” 46-year-old Maria, who lost her three-month-old baby twelve years ago, speaks about this: “On the day of the funeral, I physically felt something being pulled out of my stomach and leaving behind my son. Then I lived like a zombie for several more months, I was no longer in this life.”

Signs when you should seek help

Here are a few signs that you should seek help from a psychologist, and possibly a psychiatrist, to prescribe antidepressants. These signs are normal for the first stage of grief, but if more than six months have passed and they do not go away and/or increase, you should seek help:

• When you can't cry at all. Tears are needed not only for psychological release, they remove stress hormones from the body; if you lock up emotions and do not give them a way out, this can in the long run lead to serious physical diseases such as heart attack, stroke, problems with the digestive system, chronic muscle pain .
• You have a constant loss of energy and low mood. As we said, for the first stage of grief this is absolutely normal and natural, but as time passes, strength and mood should gradually return to normal levels. If this does not happen, this condition may indicate depression and require the use of antidepressants.
• The dream has changed. You are haunted by insomnia or, conversely, irresistible drowsiness. It could also be a sign of depression
• Appetite has changed. Refusal to eat or the inability to stop eating is also a symptom of depression.
• Social isolation. At first, withdrawal and reluctance to communicate are normal, but over time, persistent refusal of society, especially if you previously liked to be in company, is a reason to talk about it with a psychologist
• Refusal to take care of yourself is also a sign of depression
• Suicidal thoughts. If you clearly understand that life will never be the same and the best way out is to end it once and for all, immediately consult a psychiatrist.

Important If trouble has befallen your loved one, and you observe any of the above in him, convince him to seek help.