What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? How to support, calm and console a person in grief? Recommendations and advice from experts

Such inevitable life events as the loss of loved ones cannot be canceled, and it is almost never possible to prepare for them: trouble comes suddenly and finds a person in all his defenselessness against external forces. The desire to help a friend or relative who finds himself in misfortune requires from his neighbor not only his presence, but also a sense of tact and the ability to choose the right words. How to support a person who has lost a loved one, and what necessary phrases can be used to restore his broken mental balance?

How to deal with someone experiencing loss

There is no “right time” to express condolences: words of support for a person who has lost a loved one are appropriate both a day and a year after the unfortunate event. Much less tactful than bringing belated regrets would be to completely ignore the sad news and behave with the person as if nothing had happened.

The most difficult thing for someone who sincerely wants to help a grieving person is to defend his intention to be with him. Despite the fact that the unfortunate person really needs a friendly shoulder, his first impulse after the shock stage will be to abstract himself from the familiar world, to remain alone, to “plunge” into his despair. He may not answer calls, not come to the door, and even rudely reject any offers of help, but this does not mean that loneliness brings him relief - he is simply unable to play any public role.

What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? A big mistake in the first days after a misfortune is trying to distract a person with everyday worries, burden him with responsibility for children and financial situation, and “appeal to a sense of duty.” Nothing good will come of this.

A person is able to suppress an attack of despair in himself in order to perform manipulations according to ritual procedures and even show some activity in the household, but his unexpressed grief will not go anywhere and will only go deeper into consciousness.

If there is no desire to be intrusive or the existing relationship with someone who has lost the person closest to them does not allow them to pay excessive attention (we are talking about a work colleague or a housemate), then it is enough to put your condolences in the right words. It is important that this is not an empty verbal formula like: “well, hang in there” or “everything will work out.” If nothing else comes to mind, it would be more appropriate to remain completely silent and simply hug the mourner.

Right to grief

In the modern world, people have forgotten how to treat grief as a natural state that accompanies a person during certain periods of life. The death and illness of relatives, personal dramas - all this has become customary to be shaded into a mass of unnecessary actions that can only create the illusion of control over the situation.

Hours intended for mourning have become a platform for reassessing the qualities of one’s own personality. Nowadays, even from famous psychologists you can hear such phrases as: “This misfortune made you take a leap forward” or “This grief contributed to your spiritual growth.” And people, discouraged by such a view of their personal misfortune, suddenly begin to believe in some mythical benefit that came to them with the death of a loved one. Or if they don’t begin to believe, they feel deep mental pain from such cynicism.

How to help a person who has lost a loved one? The first and main rule in this situation is not to prevent him from grieving. In fact, such visible inaction next to the mourner is more difficult for the sympathizers than vigorous activity - it seems to them that their presence is disturbing, and they hear falsehood in their own words. However, a person who has lost a loved one does not need words as such at all; they can be said only once: “I understand everything, I am with you all the time,” and then only be at arm’s length.

A person is able to survive the most terrible grief and maintain his sanity only if he is not alone. Being present is the most important help for bereaved people, and whether the bereaved responds positively to this presence at the moment or not, he will be very grateful for it later.

Who is guilty?

Events associated with human violence are experienced more difficult than man-made or natural disasters, say Yukhnenko and Yablonskaya. “It is important for us to trust and maintain connections with other people. And in such situations, people turn against us,” notes Svetlana.

Stages of grief

During times of stress, a person stops taking care of himself, may forget or lose the desire to eat, perform hygiene procedures, and even at least sometimes go out into the fresh air. Helping the grieving person at such moments consists of gently and unobtrusively reminding him of the need to perform certain actions and ensuring that the person carries them out on time. What words to say to a person who has lost a loved one? Anyone who would constantly remind him that he is not alone, that they care about him and, most importantly, understand him.

It is equally important from the point of view of maintaining a healthy mind of a person to control the dynamics of his release from a situation of hopelessness and gradually strengthen his confidence in his own abilities. In order for the process to go through with minimal pain, you should know the features and critical time periods of passing through all stages of overcoming grief.

In total, psychologists call four stages of the mourner’s return to normal life. With good support and the possibility of maintaining communications with the outside world, a person goes through all phases sequentially, without returning to the previous state and without getting stuck at each stage for a long time.

What not to say

The griever experiences several phases after the death of a relative, boyfriend or girlfriend. And in each of them, condolences must be expressed in such a way as not to hurt him. Everything is individual.

But there are phrases that are contraindicated to be uttered at any time after an irreparable loss.

The advice of psychologists is not to say these words under any circumstances:

“He has suffered, and he is better there”;
“It’s easier for you, because you won’t have to worry about courtship”;
“You are strong, you can handle this”;
“Life goes on, we must continue to live”;
“Don’t kill yourself like that”;
“Time heals, you will soon forget everything”;
“We’ll all be there”;
"Get a hold of yourself!"
“Stop crying, someone has it worse than you,” etc.

Shock stage

It normally takes the shortest period of time compared to others: from several hours to three days. The clinical picture of a person’s condition is as follows:

he doesn’t believe what’s happening;
the external state of the individual can be characterized as calm;
there is inhibition of reaction;
hysterical attacks, sudden mood swings from strong excitement to complete indifference are possible;
in individual cases, a person can persistently deny what is happening and even invent his own story about the forced departure of the deceased or his betrayal (departure) from the family.

The shock stage is dangerous because it can “delay” a person for a long time. Once created, the illusion that the deceased is alive and well, but is in an untimely departure, can linger for many years, and the individual, whose consciousness thus resists reality, is ready to defend his version, regardless of the arguments.

What words of comfort can you say to someone who has lost a loved one? At the first stage of experiencing grief, any condolences or attempts to get the mourner to talk are unnecessary. You cannot get an answer from him about his future intentions, or ask him if he needs anything. Most likely, having shaken off the state of the first shock, a person will not remember at all what he did or said during those terrible hours.

People taking part in the life of the bereaved will have to take care of organizational and everyday issues: correcting the necessary documents, calling the relatives of the deceased, accepting the first wave of condolences, which can only make the loved ones feel worse. Even preparing a simple dinner, washing the dishes or routinely cleaning the house will be a huge help for someone who is not yet able to understand the importance of each of these daily chores.

You are strong!

How he holds up!
How strong she is!
You are strong, you endure everything so courageously...

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There are times when people who have experienced the loss of a loved one do not shed tears for him during the funeral procession. On the contrary, he has a reaction opposite to what was expected - he is in a calm state and at the same time keeps a smile on his face. Contrary to the erroneous belief that this is all characteristic of a strong person, it is worth noting that these signs indicate the most severe phase of stress. It will be possible to speak about the end of the first stage of stress only when the person starts screaming and starts crying.

A striking example of this behavior is an excerpt from Sokolov-Mitrich’s report about relatives of the Kursk crew:

“Several young sailors and three people who looked like relatives were traveling with us. Two women and one man. Only one circumstance cast doubt on their involvement in the tragedy: they were smiling. And when we had to push the broken bus, the women even laughed and rejoiced, like collective farmers in Soviet films returning from the battle for the harvest. “Are you from the committee of soldiers’ mothers?” - I asked. “No, we are relatives.”
That evening I met military psychologists from the St. Petersburg Military Medical Academy. Professor Vyacheslav Shamrey, who worked with the relatives of those killed at Komsomolets, told me that this sincere smile on the face of a grief-stricken person is called “unconscious psychological defense.” On the plane on which the relatives flew to Murmansk, there was an uncle who, upon entering the cabin, rejoiced like a child: “Well, at least I’ll fly on the plane. Otherwise I’ve been sitting all my life in my Serpukhov district, I don’t see the white light!” This means that the uncle was very bad.
“We’re going to Sasha Ruzlev... Senior midshipman... 24 years old, second compartment,” after the word “compartment,” the women began to sob. “And this is his father, he lives here, he’s also a submariner, he’s been sailing all his life.” The name of? Vladimir Nikolayevich. Just don’t ask him anything, please.”

The question of whether there are people who are capable of not succumbing to the harmful effects of surging feelings of loss remains rhetorical. However, we can say that people who “hold on” are not strong-willed individuals, as they initially seem. Perhaps these are the people who have not yet experienced the first stage of stress and who will soon need to be supported.

Stage of acute experiences

After the shock stage, the most acute phase of grief begins, characterized by such signs of the individual’s condition as:

resentment towards everyone: both those who take a deep part in the family tragedy (“everything is good for them, but everything is bad for me”), and those who seem less touched by the misfortune (“no one cares about me”);
misunderstanding how this could happen and why it happened to him;
aggression accompanied by reproaches or denial of the need for outside help;
often - increased tearfulness, demand for everyone's attention to their problem, and even excessive demonstration of their grief.

How to calm a person who has lost a loved one? The sympathizer is obliged to muffle and in every possible way smooth out his response to the unfair statements of the mourner, even if it is difficult. Any negative return will cause an immediate response in the form of aggression, so if a person does not have such baggage of moral restraint, it is better for him not to constantly be near the lost loved one. What should you say to a person during this period?

As before, despite the denial, the mourner needs understanding, but even more he needs to know that those around him constantly remember his misfortune and experience the bitterness of loss in the same intensity. During this period, there is no need to be afraid to show sympathy and, without fear of seeming banal, say heartfelt phrases: “I understand you so well!”, “How are you coping with all this!”, “How much courage you have!”

It is normal for the acute state of grief to last from 3 to 10 weeks. If this time period lasts for more than 3 months, it is worth thinking about whether the personal tragedy of the mourner has turned into his means of manipulating others?

Awareness phase

The third stage is easily distinguishable from the previous one by the arrival of the so-called mental decline. The mood of the mourner changes less and less until it assumes the position of a stable depressed one, but with all this there is a positive side: the person already stops living in the past and begins to think about how to live further. This period is just ideal to start asking him questions that suggest thoughts about further actions.

What to say to a person who has lost a loved one? First of all, you should find out what type and amount of help he still needs. A widower who has lost his wife may still need help with the housework for a long time, but he is already able to take on some basic tasks of cooking and cleaning.

Almost always, the stage of awareness is characterized for the mourner by a strong desire to speak out, complain, and remember the past. During periods of such talkative protégé, one thing is required of the sympathizer - to express full attention and readiness to agree with everything said, without giving any advice or interrupting the monologue with personal remarks. Usually, after a state of elation, a person again falls into a minor mood, and here the assistant’s tasks change - he needs to become a generator of ideas and not allow his friend to wallow in inaction and melancholy.

For another category of people, any intrusive attention from others in moments of grief causes severe irritation. Therefore, if a person, who in ordinary times was not highly communicative, says that he is tired of everyone and wants to be alone, this should be listened to immediately.

If your mother passes away - how to support

When a person’s mother dies, he can be overcome by emotions of varying degrees - from apathetic to hysterical. Sometimes you can observe inappropriate behavior in the mourner, which is absolutely normal in the early stages.

There are a number of recommendations on how friends can support the grieving:

if possible, it is necessary to carefully and tactfully divert the attention of the person who has experienced the loss to other things and topics;
Depending on the situation, you can support the person tactilely - you can take him by the hand or hug him. This will have a greater impact on some than just words;
If a person needs to talk about his mother who left him, become an active listener. You can keep the conversation going by remembering the deceased in a positive way.

Acceptance stage: final

The last stage is often called rehabilitation, since a person during this period is likened to someone recovering from a serious illness: interest in life, a desire to communicate and please the opposite sex, awakens in him again. In time, this stage often coincides with the celebration of the anniversary of the death of a loved one, which is very symbolic. After the funeral ceremony corresponding to the date, the mourner seems to be freed from his shackles and feels able to continue to live fully.

For people who are unfamiliar with the state of mental renewal after prolonged grief, it may be unclear what words to say to a person who has lost a loved one and has already gone through all the stages of grief. There is no single recipe for constructing a conversation here, but it should be remembered that the misfortune that happened is still alive in the memory of the unfortunate person, and he is not able to instantly integrate into the usual routine of social life. There is no need to try to arouse in him an artificial interest in past entertainments or push him to meet new people - this will only scare away the recovering person.

Mistakes to avoid

Inept assistance, especially if provided “under pressure” or solely due to close family ties with the grieving person, can distort the very meaning of support. Both a dismissive attitude towards misfortune and excessive, all-consuming attention to it will be dangerous.

What you should definitely not do when you take part in the life of a person who has lost a loved one, and what to say when you feel that everything has gone wrong:

it is necessary to exclude from your behavior and speech any patterns that may betray a formal attitude towards the personal tragedy of another person;
if all the worries about the grieving person have already been distributed among relatives, you should not look for any way to contribute - sometimes only third-party observation will help to better discern the real needs of a person;
it is better to avoid conversations on the topics: “life does not end”, “everything will get better” - a person in moments of grief is not able to look into the future with optimism, and such pathos can cause him irritation;
there is no need to bombard a person with questions, asking him to describe in detail all his current needs;
It is strictly forbidden to adapt to the emotional line of the mourner: cry, blame fate for injustice, behave helplessly.

It often happens that a person who has already experienced the first wave of grief begins to see advantages in general self-pity and use this to the detriment of benefactors. For example, he is in no hurry to return to work if his friends have already taken care of his financial support, or to again take up raising children, whose care is successfully provided by grandmothers. In such a situation, you need to directly discuss with the person the boundaries beyond which help can no longer extend, and assure him that he will not be left without support if he returns some of his past obligations.

The most popular words of consolation are: Hold on!, Be strong!

Often, the first words of consolation that come to mind are:

Be strong!
Hold on!
Take heart!
My condolences!
Any help?
Oh, what a horror... Well, hold on.

In most cases, a stalemate arises and we don’t know how to behave further or what to talk about. We understand perfectly well that the situation cannot be changed and no one can return the loss.

Despite severe personal losses, life goes on for others. And in this situation, the most effective will be sincerity regarding the grieving person, which will help in his grief. There is no need to advise him to be strong, or to hold back tears, he needs to be accepted as he is at the present time - weak, unhappy and ugly from his experiences. A person must realize and feel that even in this state he is dear to his loved ones and that he is allowed to grieve and show weakness.

Advice from psychologists

The most serious “psychological poison,” according to experts, is the desire of loved ones to protect a person at all costs from the inevitable stress associated with loss. It’s as if a person is being immersed in a kind of vacuum, not allowing him to face his misfortune and feel it, they are pumping him full of sedatives, and misinforming him. As a result, the desired reaction still occurs, but it happens with a great delay and, as a rule, is accompanied by mental disorders.

Psychologists working in extreme situations recommend telling the truth in all cases, not only the truth that exists at the moment, but also what awaits the person after the shock period. The victim must be properly informed that he will have a difficult time of mental imbalance that he will have to endure, difficult emotional experiences that should not be avoided or feared.

A person needs to clearly understand that everything that happens and will happen to him is normal and inevitable. The pain will subside, giving way to light sadness, but throughout the difficult process, relatives will be nearby, ready to help with real actions. It should be noted that confidence in the ability of someone to provide real help, and not just verbal support over the phone, is one of the most significant elements of help in difficult times.

What you should absolutely not do

Saying the clichés “hold on”, “be strong”, “life goes on” certainly does not bring relief.
Avoid the topic of death and the personality of the deceased. Silencing grief will not help: sometimes what happened needs to be talked through more than once or twice so that the brain can finally get out of the first shock stage and start thinking about today and tomorrow.
Saying such absurdities as “so he suffered” (if a person was seriously ill before his death), “he is in a better world” - this will remind the mourner of the suffering that his loved one had to endure.
Devalue people's grief. Many people don’t even think that the comparison “your father was already over 70, has lived in the world, but a very young guy I know crashed to death on a motorcycle” is completely ridiculous. Remember, any loss of a person is individual.
Don’t paint a bright future for the grieving person; he needs to experience the loss, accept and come to terms with it now. Against the backdrop of strong emotions, predictions like “you are young and will meet another man” or “you will still have children” (if the couple has lost a child) sound very cruel and cynical.
Do not pester the person with constant calls and SMS. At any stage of human grief, personal communication is preferable, because only in this way can you assess the state of the mourner, hug, and understand by facial expressions and emotions which moments are unpleasant for him or, conversely, bring relief.
Do not entertain thoughts about souls, ghosts, occult traditions and illusions floating around everywhere. Often the mourner tries in any way to “leave” the deceased in the world of the living, which only harms the psyche.

Offer concrete, rather than some abstract help: walking the dog, picking up the children from kindergarten, going to the grocery store or cooking dinner. A person, of course, should not be completely excluded from everyday life, but the feeling of support during these difficult periods is truly priceless for him. Listen to your heart, be sincere in your desire to help , gain strength - it will not be easy for everyone.

The desire to help must be sincere

How to understand that a person needs help from a psychologist

What should you do if you have lost a loved one or are involved in the life of someone who is experiencing this tragedy? It is important to understand that all people are different, and what is normal for one is unnatural and incomprehensible to another.

There are people who cope with their grief and return to a full life 3-5 months after the misfortune, and this does not indicate their callousness or lack of love for the deceased. And there are those for whom the annual cycle, which hurts with constant reminders of holidays and important dates spent with the deceased, is not enough.

In general, a year is a nominal unit of the mourning period, accepted by psychologists as a relative norm for the period of grief. A person, living the next 365 days after the loss of a loved one, seems to compare his life “before” and “after,” and this process brings him a lot of suffering. When the cycle enters the second round, the severity of the moments of significant dates has already been significantly smoothed out, and the experiences have the character of “quiet sadness.”

If this is not the case, and more than a year after the tragedy the person continues to punish himself and those around him with endless depression and bouts of aggression, he should be consulted by a psychologist. Perhaps, “stuck” occurred at some stage of the experience of grief, or for some reason the person was thrown back to one of the already passed stages of awareness of misfortune. In any case, further inaction on the part of the mourner’s relatives becomes dangerous and threatens the development of mental disorders.

Effective and helpful principles for bereavement support

Photo by Ivan Samkov: Pexels

Active listening

Instead of searching for the right words, a person in mourning may benefit from having a friend or acquaintance with whom they are communicating simply listen attentively and sympathetically.
It can also mean that experiences of loss and separation are told over and over again - for those who are grieving this can be a way of understanding what happened. If you really want to help, it is better to show a desire to listen. The story may not even be related to what happened. The mourner will decide for himself what he is willing to trust.

Compassion and Patience

Bereaved people need to be able to express their feelings without fear of interruption or criticism. You need to communicate with them impartially and refrain from giving advice on behavior. The phrase “I know exactly how you feel” is also inappropriate. As a companion, a friend only accompanies the mourner on his/her journey, but each path of grief is unique and takes its own time. You need to feel it or ask what your loved one needs right now.

Be near

How to support a person whose loved one has died?

No one can (or should try!) to relieve mourners of their grief, but they should be encouraged to embrace the pain. It is a great gift when someone is just there, enduring pain, crying together or being silent together. Or you can do something together, cook, cope with everyday affairs. It is possible that bereaved individuals will be particularly in need of peer support only a few months after the loss rather than immediately after the death. Everything has its time.

Understanding Grief

Grief is an active process, a journey that involves some “tasks.” This can be helpful when meeting people who are grieving.

The first important task is to acknowledge the reality of death. Whether it happens suddenly or predictably, it can take a long time to truly accept the loss. It is normal for mourners to suppress the reality of death until they can fully understand it.

Little by little, through storytelling and memories, the loss becomes more of a reality. By listening and encouraging them to face their pain, friends can help mourners take important steps. They allow the pain in bits and pieces because it would be too hard to let it all in.

However, it is necessary to work through grief, even if it is easier to suppress or deny. Therefore, you should not try to talk the mourner out of pain and take him away from it, it is better to create a pleasant, protected environment in which the mourner can be how he feels inside. It is important to keep in mind that people in mourning are not only sad, but also numb, angry, aggressive, guilty or scared. All of these emotions are normal and should have their place.

An important step in the mourning process is to allow the memories of the deceased to persist. Each memory brings the loss into the new life of the mourner and allows the departed to take his place in it. Photos of loved ones, documents, objects, records, etc. become significant and very necessary.

As mourners gain a foothold in life after loss, they also develop new identities, for example, they are no longer “husbands” but “widowers.” It can be an exhausting journey when a person's identity is largely determined by their relationship with the deceased.

More and more, a new identity and existence will be integrated into living with the loss, and the bereaved will be able to open up to the outside world again. This is the best time to encourage him to go out into the world with friends more often, to parties, dinners, and movies.