How to support a person in difficult times: advice from psychologists

Difficult moments happen in everyone's life. Understanding what a “difficult moment” is can vary markedly from person to person depending on age and personality type. So, a small child may be upset by a refusal to buy him a toy he likes or to walk a little more.

Older children are upset by poor grades and the lack of cool gadgets if their parents cannot buy them. Then begin the experiences associated with falling in love for the first time, entering or not entering a university, the beginning of an independent life and the associated material and everyday difficulties.

And for adults, these “difficult moments” cannot be counted at all. Worry comes from uninteresting, exhausting work or lack thereof, low wages and an insufficiently growing business, mortgages and renovations, family and health problems, divorces and the death of loved ones. However, for some even in adulthood, a broken nail or a crease in stockings can be perceived as no less a tragedy.

For small children, a “difficult moment” is really just a minute, because very soon the baby will be distracted by something else. And adults, by the way, may well help him to be distracted by something more interesting than a toy. But for adults themselves, the concept of “difficult moment” is more of an aphorism, because worries about a small salary, failures in work, business and personal life can last for years.

In the long term, these people can benefit from our Better Communication Techniques and Relationship Building training programs. And we are all required to know how to support a person in difficult times with words and deeds. Simply because our loved ones, friends, relatives, and colleagues may need such support. In the end, knowing what words to support a person in difficult times, you can always say these words to yourself if you personally need support. So, how can you properly support a person if he needs support?

How to support a loved one: universal tips

In fact, finding the right words for a person in a difficult situation is not so easy. Firstly, a person is under stress and perceives even the most ordinary words a little differently than a person who is now doing well.

The word “hang in there” said to a person in normal circumstances, such as before a driver's license test, and the same word said to a person whose close relative has died will be perceived differently. A grief-stricken person does not want and cannot at the moment “hold on” to himself. He wants people to support him and take on at least part of the emotional burden of his problems.

Secondly, the context, tone and mood with which you pronounce certain words are important. Any intonation can distort the meaning, and a person under stress will not even remember that you naturally have a high or low voice and you did not intend to offend him by saying something in a tone different from the average one.

In fact, the words themselves are not to blame for anything, but they can still be perceived inadequately. That is why the problem of how to support a person with words in difficult times is so relevant. Are there any universal formulations that are independent of context and are likely to be understood correctly? Is there any universal model of behavior with people in need of support?

It turns out that there is, and these tips on how to behave and what to say to a person who needs support are also quite universal and migrate from consultation to consultation with slight variations among different psychologists. We will take as a basis the advice of psychologist Yana Filimonova as the most clearly formulated and evoking the greatest response from readers [Ya. Filimonova, 2017].

Top 5 tips on how to support a person with words:

1. Be an attentive and active listener, assent and say short phrases like “I sympathize”, “it’s very unfortunate that everything turned out this way”, “really, it’s all very sad.” It sounds, of course, banal, but such phrases make it clear to the person that you empathize and share his feelings.
2. Ask if you need help. Of course, a person under stress is not always able to immediately formulate what help he needs. In this case, say that you are in touch, you can always be contacted and you will help to the best of your ability.
3. Ask how the person is feeling. In the case of prolonged emotional experiences, a vague “how are you?” is preferable to a specific question, “are you okay?” The very fact of prolonged experiences already indicates that the person is not okay. If the person would like to talk longer, you can ask “how are you coping with this?” If not, it is better not to intrude with questions.
4. In a situation where there is essentially nothing to say objectively, you can limit yourself to the phrase “I don’t even know what to tell you, I’m very sorry, I can’t imagine how difficult it is for you now.” Often it is enough that you are nearby.
5. Regularly pay attention to a person’s problems, especially if the situation is objectively extended over time (long-term serious illness, prolonged depression).

In addition, Yana Filimonova recommends soberly assessing your strengths. If you are willing to listen to a person for no longer than 5-10 minutes, it is better to be an attentive listener for these 5 or 10 minutes, and then end the conversation with an offer to call you if any help is needed. If you are only ready to listen and cannot provide practical help, it is better to limit yourself to words of sympathy.

Do not minimize the suffering of your interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh

When we encounter the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don't minimize another person's suffering.

What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any information that conflicts with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.

What not to say to loved ones as words of encouragement

Psychologist Yana Filimonova considers it important to know not only how to support a person, but also how not to support people [Ya. Filimonova, 2017]. In fact, inept support and inappropriate statements can hurt a person who is already feeling bad.

Top 5 mistakes of those who would like to support with words:

1. The phrases “hold on”, “be strong”, “pull yourself together”, “take courage” are often perceived by people under stress not as words of support, but as the unwillingness of the interlocutor to sympathize and participate in his problems, at least on an emotional level. It is better to refrain from such phrases, because in the context of experiences they are perceived as synonymous with shifting all emotional problems onto the experiencer himself.
2. Phrases like “what a nightmare” or “what a horror, what to do now?” completely demoralize a person who is already in a difficult situation. It is also better not to use such words.
3. Stories that you, your friends or relatives have had worse situations do not console a person, but only load him with additional negative emotions, which in his circumstances are already in abundance.
4. Literally agreeing with your interlocutor in the format “you’re right, your husband is a rare idiot” or “yes, your girlfriend is a complete selfish person” is not very appropriate when it comes to problems with close friends and relatives. No one wants to think that the people in his immediate circle are bad and unreliable, even if this is actually the case. Such agreement only hints that a person does not know how to build healthy relationships and communicate correctly, because we choose husbands, wives, friends and girlfriends ourselves.
5. Unsolicited advice almost always causes irritation, and even more so for people under stress. At a minimum, because a person under stress is usually not ready for immediate active actions. Therefore, instead of the categorical “you definitely need to go to the doctor,” it is better to say “if you need a doctor, I have a very good therapist friend (surgeon, endocrinologist, urologist), contact me.”

And, of course, phrases like “it’s your own fault” or “a smart person wouldn’t get into this kind of stuff” are completely unacceptable. Even if a person who finds himself in a difficult situation organized it for himself from beginning to end, there is no need to remind him of this, it’s already difficult for him. First of all, it's tactless. Secondly, “headlong” reveals your own internal complexes and the desire to assert yourself at the expense of others.

A few more useful thoughts can be found in the recommendations of psychologist Evgeny Morozov, which are presented in a publication under the sonorous title “Support and do no harm” [A. Petrenko, 2020].

So, the psychologist advises to moderate your curiosity and not ask for details of what happened if you suddenly don’t know. In the end, you can always learn this from others, and not force a person who is already in a difficult situation to relive unpleasant moments and emotions “in all their glory.”

It’s also worth refraining from platitudes like “everything will be fine.” Firstly, you are not a clairvoyant to know whether everything will be fine with a person or not. Secondly, this phrase once again emphasizes that everything is bad for a person now, and he will only have something good in the future. This further stresses the person.

In addition, Evgeny Morozov believes that it is better to refrain from any assessments, even seemingly harmless ones, such as “he was still so young” or “if you had left 5 minutes earlier, you would not have been late for work”, or “if If you washed the dishes with gloves, it wouldn’t damage your fresh manicure.” Here, as they say, “thank you, Cap,” and such “Captain Obviousness” is annoying even in everyday communication, not to mention a situation where objective difficulties have arisen.

Evgeny Morozov also advises not to be intrusive and not to “stifle” with care and attention. Especially if the stressed person is not very sociable and does not like long conversations. The psychologist considers the universal phrase “I’m always there and can listen to you.”

Moreover, you should not constantly call and demand that you be kept informed of events. If you want to support or ask “how are you,” it’s better to write an SMS or message on Viber. Don't insist that they answer you immediately. Let the person decide for himself when it is more convenient for him to answer you.

By the way, these tips answer the question of how to support a person from a distance with words, when you cannot come and personally hug, kiss, or take part in “resolving” the problems of a friend or relative. Of course, you can and should call a couple of times, but further communication should be based on the person’s mood. If he is not too keen to discuss his problems for the hundredth time, it is better not to call, but simply write some kind words of support.

You may find it useful to have a list of phrases that you can write to a person who is far from you in order to support him at a distance [O. Sysak, 2020]. Of course, not all of these phrases are suitable for everyone.

Before you write, think about how they might resonate with your loved one, friend, or colleague. Some people are calmed by lengthy philosophical discussions, allowing them to read something of their own between the lines, while others, in principle, do not want to read anything longer than one line and get annoyed when others begin to philosophize.

If you simply don’t have time for such an analysis of several dozen phrases, but you absolutely need to support a person, Professor of Psychiatry at George Washington University Jin Kim offers “6 phrases to support during a difficult period” [D. Kim, 2019]. are the phrases:

• “Just know that I am always here.” Sometimes this phrase alone is enough to make a person feel that others need him and that he is not alone in his problems.
• "What can I do to help you?" Yes, a person under stress often cannot clearly answer this question, but often such a question becomes a reason to listen to oneself and understand what is really missing to cope with the problem.
• “I really like about you...” and then list the best qualities of your loved one who finds himself in a difficult situation. In difficult moments of life, people often experience a drop in self-esteem, which, in turn, prevents them from quickly resolving a difficult situation.
• “Yes, I also think it’s hard and unfair.” Such words make it clear to a person that his feelings are shared and not considered nonsense against the backdrop of global problems and events.
• "I'll help you find a way out." If you really can help and your help is appropriate now, it can be offered in a tactful, unobtrusive manner, without insisting that it be accepted immediately.
• “I understand you, and this happened to me too.” This phrase can be used if you actually had a similar situation and found a constructive way out of it.

As mentioned above, you should not “nightmare” an already stressed person with stories that there are worse situations. Or compare obviously incomparable situations like “just think, the dog died, my friend’s grandmother died.”

And, of course, the topic of death is the most difficult of all situations when a person may need support. Moreover, both for the dying person and for his loved ones, who understand that every minute together could be the last, or who recently buried a loved one.

How to support a dying person

Let's start with how to support a person who is “near death” and how to provide him with psychological assistance. There is a lot of advice on this topic. We will take as a basis the recommendations prepared by Dr. Glen Horst from Canadian Virtual Hospice.

Canadian Virtual Hospice came online in 2004 and has since provided support and personalized care to people living with a variety of serious illnesses, their families, and people working in health care with terminally ill people. Canadian Virtual Hospice is a division of the registered charity International Center for Dignity and Palliative Care [Canadian Virtual Hospice, 2021].

Over many years of work here, unique experience has been accumulated on how to support terminally ill patients, which is summarized in the article “How to Talk to a Dying Person” (Tips for Talking with Someone Who is Dying) [G. Horst, 2017]. And this experience can be useful to many people.

Basic rules for supporting a dying person:

• Give the initiative in the conversation to the dying person. It is quite logical for the dying person to decide for himself when and in what format he is ready to talk about death and everything that is associated with this sad, but, in essence, inevitable event for all living people. If it seems to you that the person is ready for such a conversation, ask leading questions, and be sure to clarify that you are not sure whether you understand what exactly he wants to say. Then simply listen, asking clarifying questions.
• If possible, let the dying person know that you are aware that the end of their life is approaching. Of course, there are people who, realizing that they will soon die, prefer not to talk about death until the very last moment. It is important to accept this choice and respect it. However, more often than not, honest and frank conversation allows the dying person to feel supported and respected. You can first tactfully ask what the doctors are telling him and “bring him out” for a frank conversation, at the same time finding out what kind of help is most needed at the moment.
• Ask for forgiveness for all the insults and disagreements that may have arisen between you throughout your life. There is nothing terrible in itself about the occasional misunderstanding, but you shouldn’t suffer from remorse all your life because you might have accidentally offended or offended a person. An ordinary human “forgive me, please” will clear up many misunderstandings. Regardless of the answer, you will know that you tried to fix what was wrong in your relationship.
• If the dying person also decides to ask you for forgiveness for everything, be sure to forgive him, even if you were not ready to forgive your entire previous life. Such forgiveness will “ease the soul” both for you and for the dying person.
• Say “thank you” for all the good things a person has done for you in their life. This will show him how much you appreciate him and will improve his mood and self-esteem. And perhaps in some ways it will make the last days before death easier.
• Confess your love with the usual simple words “I love you.” It just seems that such a banality has long lost its meaning. In fact, these are really very important words, both for the dying and for the living.
• Don't leave the last words to the last minute. When a person is, as they say, “on the verge of death,” any conversation you have may be your last. And then you will regret that you did not have time to tell your loved one the most important thing.
• Communicate through touch. Even when speech is no longer possible, touching and hugging can communicate your compassion and empathy.

There is another important and debatable point in communicating with a dying person. Many are worried about whether to tell him the truth, that he will die, if the doctors themselves have not told him about this for some reason. Archpriest Vladimir Golovin believes that it is necessary to clearly tell the truth, because at some point everyone will pass away: both the sick and the healthy.

It is better to say this in the format “you may die”, rather than categorically “you will die”. Of course, the Lord works miracles, but you need to be prepared for any outcome, both sick and healthy, who tomorrow may have an accident, catastrophe, get sick, etc. For more details, you can watch the video with the answer to the question “How to support a dying person” from Archpriest Vladimir Golovin:

In addition, when caring for a dying person, communicating with a dying person, you should not be with him 24 hours a day. Firstly, even a dying person may want to be alone, and his personal space should be respected. Secondly, you need strength to cope with the circumstances, and for this it is important to get adequate sleep, rest and somewhere to recharge with positive emotions, as far as possible in this situation. This is emphasized by Lena Andrev, a care expert at the “Old Age in Joy” Charitable Foundation and an assistant at the Department of Nursing, Faculty of Medicine, Peoples’ Friendship University of Russia [L. Andrev, 2019].

Let us note that the loved ones of a dying person need support no less than the dying person himself. How to support loved ones of a dying person? Let's talk about this in more detail.

Ask anything

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A person who is nervous will interpret your words as an attack and become even more aggressive.

However, the act of asking a question and listening to the answer helps us identify and reflect a person's emotional state, regardless of the content of what they say. This will help bring the conversation back to normal faster than any attempt to ask to calm down.

How to support loved ones of a dying person

So how can you support someone whose close friend or relative is dying? In general, all the universal advice from psychologists that we cited in the first part of our material is applicable here.

Let us only add that in the current realities, any serious illness means treatment costs, and considerable ones at that. In addition to words of support and consolation, it is worth “dropping in”, as much as you can, and simply handing it over with the words “we have collected some money, take it, it will not be superfluous.”

And it’s better to refrain from preliminary questions like “maybe I can help with money”? Most people are hesitant and embarrassed to ask for help until the very last moment, when it may be hopelessly late. It is better to show this initiative to the immediate circle of the person whose loved one is dying.

And, of course, people who have lost a close friend or relative require special attention and care.

For determination

Encouraging phrases often help you get down to business. William Clement Stone, businessman and author of self-help books, said that a clear goal is the first step to any achievement. Christopher Columbus, who discovered America, liked to assure that a person would never cross the ocean if he was afraid of losing sight of the shore.

Farrah Gray, a famous businessman, investor and journalist, said that you should not be afraid to pursue your dreams. Otherwise, there is a high risk of being hired to fulfill someone else's desires. And William James, an American philosopher and psychologist of the 19th century, was sure that in the human subconscious there is hidden a force that can turn the whole world upside down. Encouraging phrases like this inspire thoughtful thought and action, and that's worth recognizing.

How to support someone whose close friend or relative has died

Psychologist Elena Korableva focuses on the fact that all people are different and experience the death of loved ones differently. However, there are general patterns and stages that everyone who has lost loved ones goes through [T. Burditskaya, 2020]. And they need to be taken into account in order to properly support a person after the grief that has befallen him.

Firstly, at the very initial stage, most people are not ready to accept the death of a loved one and do not fully believe in the loss. More precisely, with their minds, of course, they understand everything, but with their hearts they cannot accept it. At this time, it is important to be close, but not intrusive, and to communicate only as much as the person who has experienced the loss is ready to communicate.

Secondly, then a stage of anger, malice and aggression may begin at everything around: at the doctors who did not save, at oneself, for having done, perhaps, not everything that one could, at the injustice of life as such. Here it is important to let the person express his emotions, without trying to dissuade him, but also without assenting.

Next, a person who has experienced the pain of loss may begin to experience depression, which is accompanied by a lack of interest in what is happening around them. Those around you may begin to tactfully distract the person from sad thoughts and gradually try to return him to normal life. It is important not to overdo it and let the person live through all these stages, otherwise he will then mentally return to the experiences and will not be able to recover psychologically for a long time.

The support of others is also important at the stage when a person begins to gradually return to the usual rhythm of life. It is necessary to support his resurgent interest in life in every possible way, but not to rush things. You should know that it is possible to fully recover from the shock after the death of a loved one only after 2.5-3 years, so the process will not be easy or quick [T. Burditskaya, 2020].

Elena Korableva has prepared advice directly for people who have lost a loved one on how to behave in this situation and how to survive the pain of loss:

• Surround yourself with loved ones who are willing to listen. Talk and talk more about the deceased, remember all the good things that are connected with him.
• Refrain from abusing sedatives and alcohol.
• Be sure to ask for help and be sure to thank everyone who is willing to help.
• Do not try to isolate yourself from the entire world around you. You need to continue to communicate and go about your daily activities.
• Try to realize your creative potential through music, painting, and other forms of art. If you are able to write poetry and songs, write, if you are an avid theatergoer, do not give up going to the theater.

And one more recommendation from Elena Korableva. At the stage of anger and aggression, when you are ready to blame the deceased for “who he left you with,” it is worth taking up spiritual practices. For example, imagine that the deceased is sitting behind you back to back, and express all your complaints to him. Then, when the reserve of aggression runs out, imagine that he is sitting in front of you face to face, and say all the good things for which you are grateful.

These are the main recommendations that psychologists give on how to support a person in different circumstances. Our “Best Communication Techniques” and “Relationship Building” programs will help you choose the most suitable ones and properly build communication both in difficult moments and in normal everyday life.

And I would like to say a few more words about the great power of art. In June 2022, when singer Marina Abrosimova, performing under the pseudonym MakSim, was hospitalized in serious condition and put into an induced coma, people supported Maxim with a flash mob, performing her songs. The singer’s fans posted their performances of famous hits on social networks with the hashtag #Maximlivi, and TV Channel 360 even made a story about this flash mob:

It is clear that the singer, who is in a coma, cannot see or perceive this support. However, this action helps MakSim fans survive the unknown and hope for the best. In addition, people came out to support Maxim and sang her song “Do you know”:

Basically, these were fans of Moscow Spartak, who had often sung this song before matches of their favorite team. By the way, the Spartak team also expressed support for family, friends and all fans of MakSim’s work. Since 2014, the singer has been a kind of “mascot” of the team. That year, MakSim went with the team to a match in Kazan, and Spartak was able to defeat the local Rubin in a difficult fight.

We wish you to always hope for the best, and that your hopes always come true. As usual, we ask you to answer the question on the topic of the article:

We also recommend reading:

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• Codependency in relationships: is it true that “we can’t live without each other”?
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• How to learn to accept changes in life
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• The art of conversation
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Keywords:1Communications, 1Relationships

Don't be intrusive, but let them know you're there

A person can experience grief alone. He is free to do as he wants, even if you think it’s not the best idea. Don't be intrusive, but make it clear that you are always ready to support. You can periodically invite your loved one to meet, talk on the phone, or just be nearby without words. You shouldn’t use all your might to distract a person from grief—let him survive it. But if you notice that your loved one is increasingly immersed in despair and sadness, then gently discuss with him the possibility of seeking help from a specialist.