When all words are meaningless: how to support a person in a difficult life situation

Situations in life are completely different, and the psyche cannot always calmly cope with what is happening, then the help of those who are nearby is necessary. Confusion from the need to somehow stabilize the state of another person is quite understandable, especially when it is not clear how to calm a person down with words at a distance, because removing the cause of the experience may not only be overwhelming, but possibly also an unnecessary task.

Most of all, I want to calm down a crying person, since everyone’s own psyche is structured in such a way that the sight of other people’s tears is unbearable. However, we do not take into account those reactions where strong experiences and destructive mental processes can occur without tears or loud laments.

“Witness” your interlocutor’s feelings

We all know how difficult it is to find yourself in a situation where you need to console someone, but you can’t find the right words.
Fortunately, most often people do not expect specific advice from us. It is important for them to feel that someone understands them, that they are not alone. So first, just describe how you feel. For example, using the following phrases: “I know that it’s very difficult for you now,” “I’m sorry that it’s so difficult for you.” This way you will make it clear that you really see what it’s like for your loved one right now.

What should you write to someone who has been fired from their job?

Losing a job often causes negative emotions. There is a selection of messages suitable for cheering up a fired person:

1. Don't be sad, it's for the better. This work did not reveal, but suppressed your potential. You need something more suitable to suit your abilities;
2. It's OK! With your intelligence, good experience and many positive qualities, if you search seriously, you will soon find a new place that will be much better. I wouldn’t be surprised if in a week you’ll be in another company in a higher position;
3. Don't worry so much! It is not difficult for you to find a job with a similar salary and closer to your home. You will also feel joy from the fact that you will stop wasting a lot of time on the road and will put the saved hours to good use;
4. Judging by your stories, they didn’t treat you well there. Stop wasting your life on such a thankless pastime. You deserve a place where the conditions and treatment of employees will be much better;
5. Don't worry too much! It’s better to spend your nerves searching for vacancies. There are many sites with similar information. Register, send out your details and quickly get settled again. This is not a reason to worry.

Help a loved one understand the problem

Even if a person is looking for ways to resolve a difficult situation, first he just needs to talk it out. This especially applies to women.

So wait to offer solutions to the problem and listen. This will help the person you are comforting understand their feelings. After all, sometimes it is easier to understand your own experiences by telling others about them. By answering your questions, the interlocutor can find some solutions himself, understand that everything is not as bad as it seems, and simply feel relieved.

Here are some phrases and questions that can be used in this case:

• Tell me what happened.
• Tell me what's bothering you.
• What led to this?
• Help me understand how you feel.
• What scares you the most?

At the same time, try to avoid questions with the word “why”; they are too similar to judgment and will only anger the interlocutor.

In an extreme situation

The problem with extreme situations is that people who have known each other for a long time in different event scenarios give completely unpredictable reactions. The most common reactions are panic, stupor and hysteria. You need to work with them in different ways.

If a person is having a panic attack, focusing on breathing and nearby objects will help calm down. Initially, you will need to control his breathing, i.e. talk about the need to take breaths, make sure that they are not very deep (hyperventilation leads to loss of consciousness, which is already narrowed in panic) or too frequent (small amplitude of breaths can increase anxiety).

Shift the person’s attention from abstract concepts or attempts to evaluate the general stop to his well-being - warmth in the limbs, comfort of posture, ask him to do some small work (fold things, type a message).

You will have to get out of the stupor using physical methods, by lightly shaking or rocking the person. Immediately after being brought out of the stupor, all pent-up feelings may pour out, and hysteria will come. Here you need to silently listen to any text spoken, even with threats and insults addressed to you (you will hear an apology later, when the person has stabilized emotionally). If hysteria turns into threatening physical activity, then the task is solely to restrain destructive impulses - perhaps with your hands, you can pour water on it.

During extreme events, the question of how to calm a drunk person is especially important, because harm from his rash and over-emotional reactions can lead to catastrophic consequences. Methods of dealing with hysteria are suitable - listen or pour water on you when you notice that a person is completely losing control of his behavior. Control your own behavior - you need to remain calm and speak only to the point. Choose neutral phrases to calm the person down, in which it is impossible to provoke a new emotional outburst. And there is also a secret way - to pretend that you don’t notice the drunk, so you deprive him of the emotional feedback and the person either calms down or moves away further in search of those who will support his wave.

Do not minimize the suffering of your interlocutor and do not try to make him laugh

When we encounter the tears of a loved one, we, quite naturally, want to cheer him up or convince him that his problems are not so terrible. But what seems trivial to us can often upset others. So don't minimize another person's suffering.

What if someone is really worried about a trifle? Ask if there is any information that conflicts with his view of the situation. Then offer your opinion and share an alternative way out. It is very important here to clarify whether they want to hear your opinion, otherwise it may seem too aggressive.

What not to do

Since the suffering of others is unbearable for those nearby, and the desire to calm the person increases to the maximum and requires any decisive action, many stop worrying about who really needs reassurance now and make mistakes. Remember how a mother shouts at a crying child, trying to calm him down in this way, as a result, all participants in the situation become agitated. It’s worth listening to your feelings and walking away; if you find yourself unstable, let others calm you down.

You cannot devalue the cause of a person’s disorder, because this can greatly hurt. Those. those who mourn the dead do not need to be told that they are better now or that this should have happened, and a woman going through a divorce should not be told about her beauty and unworthiness of a man, because self-esteem is now at the lowest level, and the suffering from his absence is painful.

If you are going to help, then stay, and do not leave with the phrase that you will come on the first call. When a person needs reassurance, he cannot always adequately test reality in order to understand what help he needs, and he can also fall into such a deep depression, pick up the phone and not remember the phone number.

When you compare a person’s suffering with others (starving children in Africa, the disabled, the homeless), in an attempt to show that someone is now much worse off, then at best you will not be heard. By reacting more adequately, you can train an aggressive reaction or provoke a desire to emotionally shut down. When you personally are already fed up with the suffering or hysterics of another, then exclude yourself from the situation, and do not start ordering the person to calm down or switch. Believe me, if a person could do this, he would have done it long ago.

Offer physical support if appropriate

Sometimes people don’t want to talk at all, they just need to feel that there is a loved one nearby. In such cases, it is not always easy to decide how to behave.

Your actions should correspond to your usual behavior with a particular person. If you are not too close, putting your hand on your shoulder or giving him a light hug will suffice. Also look at the behavior of the other person, perhaps he himself will make it clear what he needs.

Remember that you should not be too zealous when consoling your significant other: your partner may take this for flirting and be offended.

How to support a dying person

Let's start with how to support a person who is “near death” and how to provide him with psychological assistance. There is a lot of advice on this topic. We will take as a basis the recommendations prepared by Dr. Glen Horst from Canadian Virtual Hospice.

Canadian Virtual Hospice came online in 2004 and has since provided support and personalized care to people living with a variety of serious illnesses, their families, and people working in health care with terminally ill people. Canadian Virtual Hospice is a division of the registered charity International Center for Dignity and Palliative Care [Canadian Virtual Hospice, 2021].

Over many years of work here, unique experience has been accumulated on how to support terminally ill patients, which is summarized in the article “How to Talk to a Dying Person” (Tips for Talking with Someone Who is Dying) [G. Horst, 2017]. And this experience can be useful to many people.

Basic rules for supporting a dying person:

• Give the initiative in the conversation to the dying person. It is quite logical for the dying person to decide for himself when and in what format he is ready to talk about death and everything that is associated with this sad, but, in essence, inevitable event for all living people. If it seems to you that the person is ready for such a conversation, ask leading questions, and be sure to clarify that you are not sure whether you understand what exactly he wants to say. Then simply listen, asking clarifying questions.
• If possible, let the dying person know that you are aware that the end of their life is approaching. Of course, there are people who, realizing that they will soon die, prefer not to talk about death until the very last moment. It is important to accept this choice and respect it. However, more often than not, honest and frank conversation allows the dying person to feel supported and respected. You can first tactfully ask what the doctors are telling him and “bring him out” for a frank conversation, at the same time finding out what kind of help is most needed at the moment.
• Ask for forgiveness for all the insults and disagreements that may have arisen between you throughout your life. There is nothing terrible in itself about the occasional misunderstanding, but you shouldn’t suffer from remorse all your life because you might have accidentally offended or offended a person. An ordinary human “forgive me, please” will clear up many misunderstandings. Regardless of the answer, you will know that you tried to fix what was wrong in your relationship.
• If the dying person also decides to ask you for forgiveness for everything, be sure to forgive him, even if you were not ready to forgive your entire previous life. Such forgiveness will “ease the soul” both for you and for the dying person.
• Say “thank you” for all the good things a person has done for you in their life. This will show him how much you appreciate him and will improve his mood and self-esteem. And perhaps in some ways it will make the last days before death easier.
• Confess your love with the usual simple words “I love you.” It just seems that such a banality has long lost its meaning. In fact, these are really very important words, both for the dying and for the living.
• Don't leave the last words to the last minute. When a person is, as they say, “on the verge of death,” any conversation you have may be your last. And then you will regret that you did not have time to tell your loved one the most important thing.
• Communicate through touch. Even when speech is no longer possible, touching and hugging can communicate your compassion and empathy.

There is another important and debatable point in communicating with a dying person. Many are worried about whether to tell him the truth, that he will die, if the doctors themselves have not told him about this for some reason. Archpriest Vladimir Golovin believes that it is necessary to clearly tell the truth, because at some point everyone will pass away: both the sick and the healthy.

It is better to say this in the format “you may die”, rather than categorically “you will die”. Of course, the Lord works miracles, but you need to be prepared for any outcome, both sick and healthy, who tomorrow may have an accident, catastrophe, get sick, etc. For more details, you can watch the video with the answer to the question “How to support a dying person” from Archpriest Vladimir Golovin:

In addition, when caring for a dying person, communicating with a dying person, you should not be with him 24 hours a day. Firstly, even a dying person may want to be alone, and his personal space should be respected. Secondly, you need strength to cope with the circumstances, and for this it is important to get adequate sleep, rest and somewhere to recharge with positive emotions, as far as possible in this situation. This is emphasized by Lena Andrev, a care expert at the “Old Age in Joy” Charitable Foundation and an assistant at the Department of Nursing, Faculty of Medicine, Peoples’ Friendship University of Russia [L. Andrev, 2019].

Let us note that the loved ones of a dying person need support no less than the dying person himself. How to support loved ones of a dying person? Let's talk about this in more detail.

Suggest ways to solve the problem

If a person only needs your support and not specific advice, the above steps may be sufficient. By sharing your experiences, your interlocutor will feel relieved.

Ask if there is anything else you can do. If the conversation takes place in the evening, and most often this happens, suggest going to bed. As you know, the morning is wiser than the evening.

If your advice is needed, ask first if the interlocutor himself has any ideas. Decisions are made more readily when they come from someone who is themselves in a controversial situation. If the person you are comforting is unclear about what can be done in their situation, help develop specific steps. If he doesn’t know what to do at all, offer your options.

If a person is sad not because of a specific event, but because they are depressed, immediately move on to discussing specific actions that can help. Or suggest doing something, like going for a walk together. Unnecessary thinking will not only not help get rid of depression, but, on the contrary, will aggravate it.

When you lose a loved one

The death of a loved one from illness, at predictable dates or due to extreme situations when it happens unexpectedly, always has a strong frustrating effect on those left to live. In addition to the immediate loved ones of the victims, those who will try to help them and somehow calm them down are also subject to secondary traumatization. This is what explains the stupor of many and the inability to find the right words to calm a person down.

There is no recipe that can, in one magic phrase or action, remove the pain of loss and calm a person who has lost a loved one, but you can help someone else experience grief and return to their life by forming new patterns of interaction. Do not try to distract the person from what happened with other conversations or proposals for activities - in the first period, all thoughts will still be devoted only to death, and your attempts can lead to withdrawal. If there are no words, then it is better to sit next to you and be silent, and you can start speaking only when the person experiencing grief turns to you, and it is better to listen to what he tells you.

Your task is to show that you are nearby and can provide support. It is important not to say this phrase, but to make it clear on completely different levels - maintain constant contact. You can call on the phone and ask if the person has food, if they need help in closing accounts and filling out the papers of the deceased, stop by and give them a ride where necessary. Those. you do not focus attention on what happened with questions about your well-being and how difficult it is after the loss. Perhaps one day, when the person himself is ready to talk, he will call and ask for a meeting. Then be prepared for tears and difficult experiences, with which you do not need to do anything, just listen, but listen carefully.

Visualize together

Creating a vision board is a good way to organize your thoughts, calm yourself, and determine your priorities. Find more old magazines, a piece of Whatman paper (a board with magnets or a refrigerator will also work) and invite a friend to have fun.

Look for metaphors in the illustrations for whatever he is worried about. Come up with a solution or action plan for each problem. Sometimes it’s enough just to see everything that worries you on one sheet of paper to understand the situation.

What should a guy do?

Every guy has more than once found himself in a situation where he needs to calm down a crying girl. Before you take action, find out what happened? Often a girl begins to act up in order to get her way.

It's up to you to react or not. If you want to indulge your whims, then apologize, buy what he asks for. Provocations will continue.

If something serious happens, then first hug her and stand in this position for a while. This helps a lot because the girl will feel protected and reliable.

Then listen to her, try to calm her down with words.

• Look at her problem optimistically, say that everything is not so bad.
• Offer a solution to the situation. If you yourself don’t know how to “solve” her problem, still make it clear that a way out can be found.
• Let her know that she is not alone and can count on your help.
• If you are far away, then maintain constant contact with her, letting her know that she is not alone.
• Walking around the city together or going to a cafe helps a lot.
• Hugs, kisses, declarations of love are powerful weapons against crying.

How to calm down a crying guy

Men cry very rarely, but sometimes a few tears can roll out of their eyes. How to calm a guy down?

Show tact and don’t joke about his condition so as not to hurt a man’s pride. Hug, be gentle, do not leave in difficult times.

Don't feel sorry for the guy so as not to make him helpless. Pity can cause an attack of despair and cause new pain. Just don’t let him understand that the reason for the tears is known to you and everyone around you.

Find words to give faith that everything is going as usual, life goes on and together you will find a way out of the situation. The main thing is to make it clear that you believe in his abilities and willpower.

If this is your loved one, tell him about your love without asking unnecessary questions, just be silent and hug him. If you know how to solve a problem, express your opinion.

Gesture

There is a simple combination of gestures to help sympathizers. An open body position (without crossing arms), a slightly lowered head (preferably at the same level as the head of the person to be listened to), supportive nods, a benevolent grunt in the rhythm of the conversation and open palms are intuitively perceived as a sign of attentiveness and interest. If we are talking about a loved one with whom it is customary to maintain physical contact, relaxing touches and stroking will not hurt. If the person talking is hysterical, and this often happens, then the only way to calm him down is to squeeze him tightly in your arms. This means: I am always there, I understand you, I will protect you. It is preferable not to do the following experiments with almost strangers regarding physical contact:

• firstly, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation;
• secondly, such actions can repel a person who is not close enough.

In addition, you need to act very carefully if in front of you is someone who has suffered from physical violence.

You can also use soothing music for the soul without words (Enigma, classics, melodic compositions, or even just sounds of nature on audio). The main thing is to choose the right playlist.

Algorithm of actions

What kind of psychological help can be:

1. You must try to remove the audience present and try to draw attention to yourself. The hysterical reaction will end the faster the fewer spectators watch it.
2. In the absence of the possibility of removing viewers, it is important to become the most attentive listener, provide support, listen, nod, assent.
3. You should talk less yourself. And if this is required, then it is necessary to speak, calling the person by name, using short phrases. If you exclude provoking phrases that fuel hysteria, then it will subside within 15 minutes.
4. After the hysteria ends, a loss of strength is observed. It is important at this moment to give him the opportunity to rest well.

Knowledge of psychology will help here.

How to calm a person in hysterics is now clear.

For a woman - support in your own words

The girl, on the contrary, needs to be calmed down first, and then probably there will be no need to find a solution to the difficulties, everything will probably go away on its own with “hysteria.” Finding words of help is very important in such a situation. For example, if the root cause of a disgusting mood is a break with a loved one, then you need to compliment her on her good appearance, tell her that she is an excellent housewife and is still quite young. It’s good when the environment allows you to get distracted and do other things - hiking, having fun with friends, cooking - all this can tear a girl away from sad thoughts.

Best Communication Techniques to Reassure Someone

Supporting a person in difficult times
It is imperative to listen to the person’s complaints (if he begins to express them). Try to understand him and show him with your appearance that you are really on his side. When hysterics see that they are not just being talked into, but share their problem, they calm down a little.

Support is similar in the case of an acquaintance, colleague, or friend. The first step is to ask if you need help. Perhaps the person just wants to run away to a distant place and cry there. You shouldn't chase him. He will return on his own. If a person just cries and is silent, you can try to calm him down verbally, give him water or a sedative, ask him to tell him what’s bothering him.

By the way, many upset people do not need sedatives so much as friends and listeners. After all, depression often arises precisely from the fact that a person simply has no one to share his experiences with. Negative emotions accumulate and, as a result, break out in the form of uncontrollable hysteria. These are the best methods of communication.

Advice: Don't lecture! It’s better to use phrases like: “I understand you,” “Don’t worry, I want to help you,” etc. If a person wants to cry and talk to you, great. This is a sign that the tension will soon subside. After all, many hysterics do not last more than 5-7 minutes . You can hug and say that the person is dear to you, that you care about his problems and that you are nearby - which means he can feel safe.

When a person calms down, you can analyze his problem and give real advice or even offer practical help in resolving his issues.

Words of support for a loved one

The other half must constantly feel the support of a loved one, since everyone is a support for each other in a difficult situation, a vest in misfortune and a person with whom they share success. It is definitely necessary to speak out one more time about your own feelings, repeating that it is easier to cope with all sorts of problems together. Be sure to express your own feelings: “How painful it is to watch you upset,” “I worry too, just like you.” Such phrases bring people together, make the conversation sincere and create a trusting atmosphere. And even if you are unable to choose the necessary words or know that chatter is currently unnecessary, just stay close. In some cases, no words can replace the presence of a loved one.

Create a support box

If you and your friend are in different cities or you simply don’t have the opportunity to see each other often, show your concern using a “support box.” Put there everything that your friend loves, that helps her relax, and gives her a reason to take care of herself. This could be a book about dealing with stress, aromatic candles, some kind of treat, or a set of face masks. Add a note with words of gratitude and compliments.

Expressions that should not be used

There are several common phrases that initially come to mind if you need to support someone. It is preferable not to use these phrases:

• Don't worry!

When a person experiences failure or misfortune, he has reason to worry about it. He is unable to immediately stop thinking about his dilemma. He needs to feel it, focus on his thoughts, share his pain, fear, disappointment with someone. For this reason, the saying “Don’t worry!” sounds like “I don’t care what happened to you!”

• Everything will be settled! Everything will get better!

At a time when the world has collapsed, this sounds like a joke. A person is faced with the fact that he has no idea how to solve his own problem. He needs to think about how to normalize everything. He doubts that the situation will turn out to be beneficial for him, and he will be able to stay afloat. So, how can an empty statement that everything will be sorted out help? Such phrases sound even more mocking when a friend has lost a loved one.

• Do not Cry!

Tears are the body's natural way of coping with stress. It is necessary to give the person the opportunity to cry, speak out, and give vent to his feelings. He will feel better. You just need to embrace him and be close.

• You shouldn't use someone who is worse off as an example.

A person who has lost his job and has nothing to support his family does not care at all if children are malnourished somewhere in Africa. Anyone who has recently learned about a dangerous diagnosis is not very interested in cancer mortality statistics. In addition, there is no need to give examples of situations that affect mutual friends.

When trying to support your loved one, do not forget that during this period he is mentally depressed by his own problem. It is necessary to carefully choose the wording so as not to inadvertently offend or touch on a sensitive topic.

What actions should you avoid?

However, you should refrain from the following actions:

1. You should not make unexpected movements (should not shake, pour water on, or slap).
2. It is necessary to refrain from active dialogues and disputes about his statements until the state of hysteria passes.
3. One should not assume that a person is deliberately hysterical, trying to attract attention to himself.
4. It should be remembered that hysterical reactions are normal reactions to abnormal circumstances.
5. You should not use template phrases to encourage you to pull yourself together, collect yourself, or calm down.

We will learn further how to calm people down when they are aggressive.

Listening to the problem

The most important thing is to be sure to give the person the opportunity to speak out. There is no need to be afraid of the stream of “outpourings of soul” and to plunge into panic: not a single person will demand violent intervention and an immediate solution to absolutely all difficulties. It is also better to postpone questions, recommendations and accumulated wisdom for later: at this stage, a person only needs to understand that he is not alone, that he is heard, and openly sympathized with him. Listening does not mean standing still and remaining silent until the end of the monologue. Such actions rather smack of indifference. Words that soothe the soul: certainly, of course; expressions of support (“I understand you, I support you”). Sometimes you should repeat “hackneyed” phrases or words - all this will demonstrate that the support is not feigned, but comes from the heart. At the same time, this will help both of them concentrate on their own thoughts.

“Yes, you are absolutely right!”

If someone very angry comes at you with an avalanche of negative energy, let it pass through you with absolute consent. Say that yes, you are absolutely right, dear Zeus the Thunderer, there is not even a reason to object to you.

After this introduction, you can say that you have small additions and express a completely opposite point of view. This technique was once suggested to me by a psychologist I knew, from whom I asked for advice, since I had a very angry boss at the time. I didn’t believe it would work, but there was nothing else to do but check. This somehow magically helped both with the boss and later with other angry people.

I hope these techniques will help you bring peace into your life.

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Organize a tea party

A soothing herbal tea will be a good accompaniment for a friendly conversation. For example, chamomile tea has been shown to bind to the same brain receptors as the drug Valium. Of course, the effect of herbs is not as powerful as that of tranquilizers, but there is no harm. Make calming tea ceremonies regular; over time, herbal infusions will help reduce anxiety.

Practice breathing techniques

Breathing exercises are often recommended as a way to cope with stress, but not everyone wants or can do it alone. Learn a few techniques and invite a friend to practice them together. Start first, and your friend will see that this is not such a stupid idea.

One of the simplest exercises: breathing 4-7-8. Exhale completely through your mouth, then inhale for four counts. Hold your breath for 7 counts, and then exhale, counting to 8. A couple of repetitions are enough to come to your senses. Heroine has already told you more about other popular simple breathing techniques.