Valentine's Day is often a sad holiday for those who have not yet met their other half. All sorts of jokes and excuses are used: “not our holiday,” “a marketing ploy,” and even a reminder that in Germany, February 14 is also a holiday for mentally ill people. By the way, St. Valentine is actually considered the patron saint of people with similar diseases. It’s true that you can scold Valentine’s Day as much as you like, however, this will not add happiness to your personal life. In practice, everything is much simpler - instead of putting on a snob mask and fending off annoying questions about your other half, you can go on a first date on this day.
Psychologists from the UK have proven that women worry much more before a first date because they are more impressionable and prone to doubting their attractiveness. But men also often experience self-doubt, which is why they don’t make the best impression on their companions. As scientists say, before a date you need to get a good night's sleep and, most importantly, get ready slowly, and you need to fight the feeling of fear long before the first meeting. However, in order to get rid of anxiety on a first date forever, this is not enough, says psychotherapist Anna Kulikova.
Don't forget it's just a date.
Still from the movie "Airplane"
Every time before a first date, do you start to tense up, sweat, turn red, turn white, shake, or even lose consciousness? Don't worry - it's completely natural. In 2022, the dating site Match.com conducted a survey among its users, and it turned out that as many as 89% of respondents were constantly nervous before a first date.
And although this problem is very common, this does not mean that nothing can be done about it. Just follow our tips and they will help you calm down this anxiety.
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Excitement before a first date is not uncommon. Even those who have been in relationships and marriages more than once suffer from this. And this is quite normal: there is nothing strange in the fact that people who confidently communicate with others are nevertheless afraid of not being liked by those they like.
But you need to do something about your anxiety: if you don’t overcome your fear, you run the risk of failing the date, even if you have excellent appearance, conversational skills, and charm. Our article can help you overcome such fears: for those who don’t know how to overcome fear on a first date, we have prepared a selection of methods that will definitely help you get rid of jitters.
If you have a lot of time and want to solve the problem permanently
This is probably not the first time you have experienced anxiety before a date: most likely, this situation has already happened to you. If you have enough time and, in addition, are determined to get even with fear once and for all, this method will definitely suit you.
To reduce the level of anxiety and fear, or even get rid of it, the first thing you should do is reduce virtual communication: this applies to both dating sites and ordinary chatting in chats with friends.
Both ordinary communication with people “in real life” and, in fact, the dates themselves will help you to relax and stop being afraid: a couple or two will certainly not oblige you to anything, but will allow you to cope with your fears, clearly showing that nothing is so terrible in a meeting with another person, no.
If you are extremely short on time
If you are short on time, but still need to curb your own fears, do not rush to get upset: for such a case, we have a couple of ways.
To begin with, it wouldn’t hurt to make sure that you have at least the minimum amount of time you need to get ready for a date: if there are five minutes left before leaving, and you’re still drying your hair with a hairdryer, there’s probably no question of fighting fear can’t: here all that remains is to apologize for the upcoming lateness, or even ask to reschedule the date.
If you have enough time to get ready and even have a little left over, it will be good to use exercises that will help you cope with stress without taking a lot of time. In our earlier post you can find exercises and tips that will help you quickly calm down in a stressful situation: we hope our recommendations will be useful to you.
If you are afraid that your prospective partner will not like your appearance
If you are afraid that your partner will not like you because of your appearance and that is why you are experiencing severe stress and anxiety before a date, you will have to use other methods of self-soothing: the standard ones are unlikely to help cope with this task.
Try wearing a “lucky” shirt, T-shirt or tank top on a date: if you have such clothes, they will certainly give you confidence at the right time. Remember: the main thing is that you like yourself, this is the key to success.
Our article can help you finally dispel doubts about your appearance: we have previously compiled a selection of 10 things that you should never wear on a date. Browse our list to be absolutely confident in your look.
As you can see, getting rid of the anxiety and fear that overtook you right before your first date is actually not difficult. The methods described above are suitable both for those who have a lot of free time and for those who do not have it at all.
However, dealing with fear is only half the success on a date. To please your prospective partner, you need to be able to present yourself competently. Our article can help you with this: we have previously talked about how to make a good first impression. We hope that the tips from our article will help you win over another person.
Tell us what you think about this: what other ways do you think you can overcome fear and anxiety before a first date? Maybe you have some special tricks that you use all the time?
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30.11.2018 04:06
Choose a color that makes you feel sexy
It is widely known that people rate partners wearing red as sexier and more attractive. But there is also research that confirms that the color of clothing affects the person wearing it, not just those around them. A 2022 paper published in the European Journal of Social Psychology reported that wearing red made people feel “physically attractive and sexually receptive.”
It's a psychological thing - since we associate the color red with passion and desire, those who wear it feel more confident because they know how others will perceive them.
However, remember that your own experience is more important than any statistics. If you don't like red or don't think you're good at it, choose something else. First of all, your outfit should add confidence, and not correspond to someone else's ideas of sexuality.
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Read on topic: How to check a guy’s social networks before a date
Dishonest men meet.
And it would be good to understand this on the first date.
They are very similar to expired yogurt in the store. If I saw it at the checkout, I put it on the shelf and moved on. And if you bring it home, you look and think: “I’ll probably eat it, it’s not that expired.”
Do not eat.
Don't continue a relationship when you see a wedding ring on your finger or a photo of small children on your cell phone screensaver.
One day a very attractive man in a formal suit wrote to me. We started talking, found topics for conversation and even mutual friends. And suddenly he wrote in all seriousness:
“I’ll be honest with you, I’m married. I love my family and will never leave. I need a girl for a permanent relationship. I guarantee meetings on my territory, gifts and attention, if you agree to this, then we can meet.”
Conclusion: the main thing is not to give up and not to label all men within a mile radius as a “goat”. Over time, you will easily be able to distinguish the wheat from the chaff. With experience comes quality.
Set realistic expectations
Your first date may be the most romantic one in history, and you will tell your children and grandchildren about it. But it can also turn out to be a failure and become the worst of your life. It is worth remembering this, but not in order to become even more nervous, but in order to prepare yourself for any result. Knowing that your first date doesn't have to be perfect can be strangely reassuring.
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Talk to yourself and say a few compliments
To calm down, stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself: “I look great! It's just a first date. This happens every day. No need to be nervous, I'm dating an ordinary person. If he manages to please him, great! If not, no big deal. Everything is already great, because I’m still going on this date. The main thing is to relax and be yourself.”
Think less
There is no need to prepare yourself in advance for the idea that everything will go wrong. In general, try not to make any predictions about the future. Who knows what will happen in the next hour? Dating does not exist to indulge in painful experiences once again. You need to learn to immediately put such thoughts aside, concentrating all your attention on the event itself, which is truly important to you.
Fortunately, most unpleasant thoughts remain thoughts without having time to become reality. A nervous state is quite forgivable when it comes to an exciting first date. If your attempt to calm down is unsuccessful, try a few meditation exercises right on the way to your meeting. You need to take a deep breath and then exhale slowly. Watch your breathing, it is now more important than unnecessary doubts.
Plan a simple date
Yes, an interesting date is fun. But it is not at all necessary to come up with any intricate and complex entertainment for the first meeting, because this will only increase your nervousness. It will be much easier for you to cope with your anxiety if your date is simple. Coffee or dinner is a classic and therefore ideal scenario for a first date that will definitely not let you down.
FIND AN EXAMPLE OF MASCULINITY
Psychologists claim that most often men are afraid of dating due to the lack of an example of healthy male behavior. Such men most often become hostages of virtual communication, completely replacing it with real ones. And they are so scared to go on a first date that they are ready to abandon it at the last moment.
“Such behavior in men is often caused by the lack of a healthy male example in front of them. Most often, such guys are raised by mothers or grandmothers, or fathers who have no authority in their eyes. The result is a depressed, downtrodden masculine principle. Therefore, such guys themselves are not confident in themselves. Nobody showed them what it means to be a real man. For a man of this type, it is important to find a healthy portable model of male behavior. That is, take as an example some famous person - an actor, politician, singer - and read the image from him. Perhaps motivating video recordings of lecturers will help here. Perhaps a gym with a male trainer will help. This will help build male self-confidence, which is necessary on a first date and in life in general,” Kulikova said.
REDUCE VIRTUAL COMMUNICATION
First of all, it is necessary to communicate more with people in everyday life, the psychotherapist assures. Gadgets and social networks are, of course, a good invention, but they are most often today the reasons why people cannot find a common language with their partner on the first date.
“All such fears are formed, as a rule, on the basis of self-doubt. When the main contacts occur not in real life, but in virtual life. Unfortunately, because of this, people forget what normal communication with real people is. Therefore, it is necessary to dose out virtual communication and move on to real one. Little by little, gradually, but decisively. You may not want to jump into a romantic relationship right away, but practicing real communication can be very helpful. Spend more time with friends or family in a live format,” Kulikova advised.
If you are not invited on dates, then you yourself do not want to.
For example,
No one offered me a job until I got up from the couch and started looking for one. In newspapers, on the Internet, among friends. I grabbed onto any strings because I needed it. Really necessary. Vital. I wanted a new job.
But I didn’t want to exchange my freedom for a relationship. Well, how would I tell my friends that I “dream about love”, “about support”, I could suffer serially over a romantic film, but in reality I sat in the depths of the sink, arranging furniture there, and did not let anyone into my life. Comfortable, cozy and no stress.
Conclusion: To be invited on dates, you have to want and make an effort.
The main thing is practice
Some girls are attracted to shy guys, but what if you are unlucky and the girl of your dreams is in no hurry to get to know you, and you are afraid to call or write to her?
If you have a friend you trust and feel comfortable with, then ask him for a favor and practice your dating skills. From the outside, flaws are usually more visible, so together it will be easier for you to identify and correct them.
What you should pay attention to during such exercises:
- try to maintain eye contact with the interlocutor: it should look as natural as possible;
- choose a pose that reflects your confidence: no slouched back or crossed legs;
- learn to start a dialogue naturally, think through phrases and topics;
- don't forget to smile.
If you don't have the opportunity to conduct such trainings with a friend, try practicing in front of a mirror. Don’t be afraid to look funny: most likely it won’t turn out very well at first, but quality comes with experience.
Keep in mind that when communicating with girls, it is important to be able to give compliments. They love them, but if you are not a master of artistic expression, then it is better not to improvise, but to prepare several successful options in advance. Considering that guys and girls may have different ideas about successful compliments, I advise you to ask your mother or sister in advance about how good your compliments are from their point of view.
BRING YOUR APPEARANCE IN ORDER
First of all, this is necessary in order to like yourself. Often men say that they like a woman naturally, and there is no need to come on the first date “in parade”. According to Kulikova, if a person likes himself, then he will never worry on a date.
“To feel confident, before the first date you need to think through your image and prepare in advance. Go to the hairdresser, beautician, buy new clothes. This is especially true for women. Any woman will feel confident and presentable if she likes herself. If you track the moments that you are not happy with in yourself, then it will be easy to overcome them. Having worked with such moments in everyday life before the first communication, you can kill two birds with one stone - put yourself in order, please you with your updated appearance, and win over a man on the first date,” the doctor added.
Do not rush
It is absolutely not necessary to start dating immediately after a five-minute workout in front of the mirror. Your actions should be thought out to the smallest detail, and your fear of the girl should be kept to a minimum. Therefore, it is better not to rush, but to gradually work on yourself.
You can start with a simple smile. She should be natural and calm, as her goal is to show your friendliness and positive attitude. Remember that nervous laughter is no better than a sullen expression and is not at all conducive to making acquaintances.
The next step in overcoming embarrassment could be a simple greeting.
If at this stage you are still afraid to meet a girl, take another break, prepare some topic for conversation and try it out in practice in a few days.
Of course, no one expects a multi-hour monologue from you; a five-minute conversation will be enough to start with. The main thing is not to retreat and not to close in on yourself, even if the first time everything doesn’t go very smoothly.
Every failure is also an experience. You need to learn from your mistakes, draw the right conclusions from them and not give up. Keep in mind that whenever you make an excuse for your insecurity and decide to stay home, you lose. It is impossible to overcome shyness without doing anything about it.
How to overcome this fear?
What to do if your knees give way before an upcoming meeting with a man?
Deal with the cause of fear
photo: depositphotos.com
Before you start getting rid of the fear of communicating with men, you should seriously think about where the legs of your fear come from. In fact, there can be a lot of reasons, ranging from the fear of not being liked and being rejected, to the fear of falling in love and being disappointed in a man. And only after understanding the cause of fear, will it be possible to further work on eliminating it.
FIND THE ROOT OF YOUR UNCERTAINTY
The most important thing is to fight not with anxiety, but with its main cause. Most often it can be a bad experience, social phobia or childhood trauma. If the anxiety does not go away, then you should contact a psychologist who will help you understand yourself.
“You need to understand where the self-doubt came from, which led to anxiety before the date.
So to speak, consider the root cause that leads a person to such behavior. Perhaps bad experiences in the past had an impact. It is possible that this is a general trend in a person’s life - he is a social phobe and is afraid of contact with people. Perhaps, in this way, childhood trauma influenced. All this needs to be worked out with a specialist, since any practical advice may turn out to be ineffective. A specialist will help you understand the underlying causes of anxiety,” added the psychotherapist. EXPERIENCE ZEN WITH US SUBSCRIBE US ON TELEGRAM
Be yourself
If you go on a date with this person, it means he is already interested in you. And he wants to meet again to get to know the person who caught his attention better. If you're feeling really nervous, remember that the hardest part is over. So just enjoy the evening and see where it takes you. This is a recipe for success.
The art of casual conversation
In order to start a conversation with the girl you like, you need some preparation. You can find out more about this in our articles on how to meet a girl and what is best to talk to her about on the first date.
Remember, in order for the conversation to be successful and not end with an awkward pause after the first phrase, you should think through the topic of the conversation in advance, prepare questions that the girl will be interested in answering, and also work on your appearance.
Before the first conversation with the one you like, you can practice on friends or relatives. Try to start a conversation when you are in your own company. By the reaction of your loved ones, you will be able to understand how natural it looks, and whether you are choosing interesting enough topics for discussion.
Talk to people
Try to talk to strangers every day. This helps a lot to loosen up and overcome insecurities.
Both the salesperson in the supermarket and your neighbor in line at the cash register are suitable for such conversations.
Be sincere
As you overcome your insecurities, remember to be yourself. A girl would rather meet a nice and modest guy than a feigned braggart. Any falsity is clearly visible from the outside, so try to be natural.
If you can't think of a single unforgettable phrase to start a conversation, don't worry. If you just walk up to a girl and politely introduce yourself, and then ask how her day is going, she will like it more than a fancy quote you found on the Internet.
Learn to listen
Girls love to be listened to. Therefore, remember that you must prepare not a monologue, but a dialogue in which she can actively participate.
Learn not only to speak, but also to ask questions and listen. Interesting topics prepared in advance will help you in those moments when there is an awkward pause in the conversation.
