How to get rid of perfectionism once and for all? An exciting question. The feeling of having to bring everything to perfection deprives a person of the ability to enjoy life. Because of it, compliments from colleagues, gratitude from clients and kind words from relatives fade when the slightest flaw in the work done is discovered. Attention immediately switches to him, and a feeling of shame and anxiety appears.
There is no quick or easy way to combat the unhealthy desire to achieve the ideal in everything. After all, behind it there is a whole complex of unpleasant emotions. To understand how to get rid of the feeling of perfectionism, it is important to understand in detail the process of its development.
Types of perfectionism
Neurotic
This is a destructive trait. Such a person has inflated ideas about ideals that cannot be achieved. He gets stuck on unimportant tasks, spends too much time on details and fails to get to the main goal. Worries about feeling important because he wants recognition.
When experiencing failure, he stops enjoying his work and experiences a hard time. Gets depressed. At school, such a person kept a perfect notebook, but did not finish the problems.
Adaptive
Healthy perfectionism. Such a person adequately assesses his strength. He knows that the ideal does not exist, but at the same time he wants the best. Can rearrange work plans and think about positive feedback rather than perfection at all costs.
What psychologists consider normal and what pathology
Normally, healthy perfectionism is necessarily present in people who are leaders. Such people usually have not only high intelligence, the ability to plan their work and set priorities correctly, but also excellent performance.
Pathological manifestations clearly appear in people who are unable to see the good in themselves. The pursuit of ideality becomes an obsession for them throughout their lives.
The danger of perfectionism lies in the fact that people set themselves obviously unattainable goals. Subsequently, this brings them disappointment and suffering, both mental and physical. Developing into some kind of disease, against the backdrop of constant stress.
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Reasons for development
Psychologists call the authoritarian type of upbringing the root cause of perfectionism. Some parents have very high demands on their children. Everything must be perfect. Appearance, studies, behavior and even thoughts are strictly controlled by domineering and pretentious parents. Children, trying to meet all the above criteria, ultimately still fall short of the super ideal. And even in adulthood, many people are perfectionists and are under complete control of their parents. All this entails self-doubt and mood swings, which, by adulthood, can develop into depression.
Another reason for the emergence of perfectionism, scientists call genetic predisposition. Scientists from Michigan, who conducted a series of experiments, identified some signs of the genetic series that influence the formation of perfection traits in a person. However, expert opinions on the emergence of perfectionism vary. Therefore, it makes no sense to talk about how much this or that factor influenced in this particular case.
Perfectionism, in its pathological manifestation, is a destructive destructive force that can ruin the life and health of any person. People feel helpless and unable to cope with problems. Being a perfectionist is not a compliment, but a serious problem.
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Research on perfectionism
The concept was first used by the American psychologist Holender in 1965. Alfred Adler and Karen Horney talked about this same topic. They saw the problem as a desire for power and superiority that arises from inferiority.
Then Western scientists developed the structure of the phenomenon. The parameters were identified. British psychologist Frost spoke about the importance of parental behavior. He noted that the craving for an ideal job is not always pathological.
In Russia, research began in the 80-90s. A detailed model was proposed by Natalya Garanyan and D. Khamchek. They named the criteria for healthy and pathological perfectionism. Kholmogorova’s works are also valuable. Together with Garanyan, they described the impact of perfectionism on depression.
Hewitt-Flett Perfectionism Scale
This is a questionnaire scale developed by Canadian scientists. The authors rely on the theory of three components of perfectionism:
- Self-orientation (when a person places excessive demands on himself).
- Orientation towards others (inflated demands on others).
- Social prescriptions (when a person believes that others want too much from him).
The technique consists of three subscales of 15 points. Each one studies one component. The total score indicates the overall level of perfectionism. There are 45 questions in total. You need to answer on a 7-point scale, where 1 means completely disagree and 7 means completely agree.
Among domestic techniques, the questionnaire of Garanyan and Kholmogorova is interesting. He studies several elements of character, the perception of others, high expectations, inflated claims.
Is perfectionism a disease? This is bad?
Hewitt and Flett noted that passion for a high example is not pathological if the joy of results is correlated with effort.
That is, if you experience pleasure from the result that exceeds your “deprivation,” then you do not suffer from bad perfectionism. Here they usually say: “It was not in vain that I tried” or “It was worth it.”
If you are not satisfied with yourself or others, and your self-esteem remains at zero for a long time, no matter what you do, then you need to consult a psychologist.
Symptoms and signs of perfectionism
How perfectionists behave:
- Puzzled by their shortcomings and mistakes.
- Not sure about the quality of the work done.
- They are waiting for outside assessments.
- They are afraid of not meeting expectations (social perfectionism).
- Constantly compare themselves to others.
- They react sharply to criticism and at the same time get angry with themselves.
- Successes are ignored.
- They live according to the “all or nothing” principle.
Signs of a perfectionist
- The desire to close all business processes on oneself. Not because it’s convenient or there’s nothing better to do—it’s just that perfectionists don’t trust employees.
- Slipping on parts where it is not required.
- Inability to take risks and improvise.
- The handwriting is like that of a high school student (no joke).
- Constant exaggeration: a small problem is turned into a disaster.
- Lack of time.
Reasons for perfectionism
How do people become perfectionists?
People turn into them unconsciously. Upbringing has an effect. Parents do not praise the child, do not approve of him, and often criticize him. He is forced to seek their love. The tendency towards perfection begins even before school or in the elementary grades.
Bad perfectionism is associated with replacing the real world with some kind of ideal. It affects people with an inferiority complex who need compensation.
Problems and consequences
- Perfectionists constantly suffer from internal conflicts and anxiety. They do not forgive themselves for minor mistakes.
- Obsessed with approval. Having received an excellent assessment from society, a perfectionist will strive for it by any means necessary.
- A person does not enjoy life, does not notice pleasant little things. Good relationships with loved ones and friendly connections fade into the background.
- Mistakes cause stress. A perfectionist lives in tension and does not allow himself to relax.
- He overworks, so he gets sick easily. May suffer from cardiovascular disease due to exhaustion.
Perfectionists often raise their children in the same way. They lay the groundwork for complexes, fears and neuroticism at an early age.
What mistakes do perfectionists make?
They have too high expectations at the very beginning
Any task in the beginning is not easy, no matter what you are trying to achieve. In the beginning, you will make a lot of mistakes, and you will be unhappy with yourself and your results. Perfectionists often forget this, or are so concerned with avoiding mistakes that they are reluctant to accept it. As a result, they become very worried if they do not complete their tasks.
They Procrastinate Because They're Worried
Nobody finds worry pleasant. It is a feeling of fear and uncertainty that makes us feel tense. Perfectionists experience a lot of anxiety when working on something. Therefore, they often procrastinate and avoid challenging work. Because it can cause them a lot of stress and make them feel awkward.
They don't want to adapt to change
Perfectionists tend to focus too much on planning at the very beginning. In most cases, they act straightforwardly. Planning is, of course, important to achieving your goals. But we also need to remember that our plans will most likely never be 100% implemented. And sometimes we may need to adapt our actions to changes in the external environment.
They don't know how to celebrate their success
Perfectionists often have difficulty internalizing their own success. These people don't feel good about their achievements because they think they aren't good enough. And even a small mistake or failure can ruin their perception of success and a job well done.
How to get rid of perfectionism
It is difficult to defeat perfectionism in everything using a few universal techniques. Working on character also means communicating with a psychologist. It helps determine the origins and symptoms.
Forgive yourself for your weakness
Narrow down the list of things that need to be “perfect.” For example, if you need to give up perfectionism in cleaning, it is not necessary to rearrange books by size and alphabet or sort things in the closet by color.
Go according to plan
Ideas where we want to come to perfection take time. But this does not mean that you need to think about them constantly or work on a project for days.
Let's say you have a hobby that you are fanatical about. Develop a clear program for yourself where you will devote time to him once a day. The rest - relax, chat with friends or engage in spiritual development.
Approach life with humor
If you make small mistakes, look at them with irony, present them in a funny light. This will help you be optimistic and eliminate unnecessary perfectionism in your work.
Practice time management
Limit your time. For example, you photoshop photos and try to make the job perfect. Set the exact time for each image.
Find your speed that will be normal for one photo. Leave as much as you have completed. Move on to the next one. The average person will not notice minor flaws.
Don't get hung up
Perfectionism constrains people and makes them afraid of where they might go wrong. This is partly due to the fear of a blank sheet - when the result of the work will not correspond to what was planned.
If you need to get rid of perfectionism in your creativity, set yourself the task of composing or creating something new every day. Skip the point you got stuck on last time. No need to mark time
Take a break
When you stop getting joy from the thing you want to be the best at, you need to switch. If you are obsessed with work, you will be distracted by any cultural program or self-care.
Do something you've never done before
Recognize that people won't criticize you for going easy on yourself.
A classic example is a girl who considers herself ugly in comparison with her idol. She spends a lot of time on her look and makeup, thinking that otherwise everyone will point fingers.
If she goes out in ordinary jeans, she will make sure that strangers do not care about her appearance. Everyone is busy with their thoughts.
Don't ignore support
In pursuit of approval, a person does not notice real success. Or, conversely, a perfectionist cares only about his own perception of the results, and he treats other people’s words with disdain. It's important to see it from the outside.
If you are an Internet marketer, an artist, write texts, shoot a blog, show your work to friends or family members. Don't argue when they start praising. Share your achievements with colleagues.
Use a period instead of a comma
If an idea appears, the monkey does not leave you alone, day or night. She dissects your idea with the enthusiasm of a naturalist.
Here we need to tighten things up and then develop the idea. Remove one, add another. Or maybe there is a better idea?
Endless internal monologue
You can never complete a task; you are never satisfied with the result. You need to fight such a monkey mercilessly: just put an end to it. For example, in a novel that you just can’t finish.
Books
"The Perfectionist Paradox"
A book by Tal Ben-Shahar, an American scientist of Israeli origin. A work about how the pursuit of perfection distances us from happiness.
"Better than perfection"
A book from current clinical psychologist Elizabeth Lombardo about how to overcome your inner critic. The author gives 7 strategies.
“Work and personality: workaholism, perfectionism and laziness”
A major work for psychologists and sociologists, dedicated to the modern perception of professional activity. Author E.P. Ilyin, considers the structure and genesis of the phenomenon.
