Parent, adult, child: how to achieve internal balance

Three personality states - parent, adult, child
Why do we sometimes speak to each other as if in different languages? Do we get a response that seems to be not our own response? Or do we unexpectedly react inadequately to innocent remarks? Transactional analysis can answer these questions.

Words play the most insignificant role in communication. The most important thing is the internal mood of each of the participants in the dialogue. Influenced by:

• Our own internal state through the prism of which we perceive communication
• The state of the interlocutor, which we read and react to

Thus, dialogue is always conducted at at least two levels - internal and external. And the main information from it sometimes passes by our consciousness. It is there that the keys to riddles are hidden like: “We were talking calmly, and she suddenly started crying” or “I just asked for help, and he decided that I was accusing him of laziness” and so on.

The answer to how and why this happens is provided by transactional analysis, a psychological model developed by American psychologist Eric Berne. He outlined it in his books on the psychology of relationships: “Games People Play” and “People Who Play Games.”

Three main positions in communication

According to this model, a person always takes a certain position when communicating. And it is she who determines how and to what he will react - and how others will react to him. These positions are called ego states and there are only three of them: parent, adult and child.

• The parent
  expresses instilled stereotypes and ideas about life
• Adult
  – objective and reasonable approach to reality
• Child
  – spontaneity, creativity and self-expression

A little more detail about each of them.

• Ego state "Parent"

The position of a parent is that of an elder. It can be expressed in both negative and positive manifestations. This is care and guardianship, but at the same time - control, coercion and teaching from above. This is a position of “should” and “obligation”, both in relation to oneself and to others. From this state we force ourselves and others to “take and do” something, we teach and explain, and from here we look after, feed, and protect.

A parent is an image of our real parents, which seems to be reflected in the psyche and remains with us forever. Naturally, the properties of this ego state depend on how our real mom and dad behaved with us.

E. Bern gives typical phrases from a parent in his book “Games People Play”: “I know better”, “I’ll explain it to you”, “I’ll help you”, “Who does that?”, “It’s forbidden”, "You must".

• Ego state “Child”

Everything here is determined by desires and emotions. This state is characterized by: playful interaction, childish reactions, joy of life, spontaneity, but also fears, resentments and dependence. This is the “I want it, I don’t want it” position, a source of whims and pranks. Spontaneous manifestations, such as creativity, also arise in the child’s state.

A child is a projection of ourselves from childhood. Accordingly, his reactions and positions are the same as ours when we were children.

Typical phrases of a child: “I don’t want”, “I won’t”, “It’s so hard for me”, “Help, I can’t cope”, “You’re always pushing me”, “How wonderful!”, “I want”, “I like it.”

• Ego state “Adult”

The position of an adult is the position of common sense, reasonable and adequate interaction. Here a person considers situations and events from the point of view of convenience and benefit, benefit for himself and others, and, importantly, from the position of equality of interlocutors. This is the part of the personality that makes plans, gets results, earns money. As a rule, in this state a person is calm.

This is “our own” part of personality, which is not a projection of us in childhood or a reflection of the image of our parents.

Typical phrases or thoughts: “Let's talk about this”, “I'm sure we'll find the right solution”, “If we go according to plan, we'll most likely work out”, “I believe...”.

How do ego states work?

All three states are very important.

Child functions

– to desire and create pictures of what we want, which will then stimulate us to act; add brightness to life; behave spontaneously and naturally, come up with new things, create, give ideas.

Parent functions

– take care of yourself and others, teach and explain, control what is done, observe social norms and prohibitions, approve and criticize, provide assistance.

Adult functions

– negotiate, adapt, correspond to reality, consider desires, plans and events as a whole from the position of common sense and benefit, act.

For example, how do we achieve our goals? The child sees what he likes and lights up with desire; the adult part evaluates the situation, looks for ways to achieve this, and makes plans. And the parent then controls and tells us - “go ahead, do it, you must”, checks the results, stimulates, reminds. He praises and criticizes, encourages further actions.

Transactional Analysis

Transactional analysis is a psychological model that is used to analyze personal interaction in groups and individual behavior.

Transactional analysis is based on the principles of psychoanalysis, but unlike the latter, it describes human behavior and reactions in simple, accessible language.

A transaction, from the point of view of psychology, is a unit of interpersonal interaction, consisting of a message (stimulus) and a reaction to it.

That is, human communication is nothing more than an exchange of transactions. For example, greeting and response, question and response.

The following types of transactions are distinguished:

1. Complementary. The outgoing stimulus from one person is complemented by the reaction of another. For example: “What time is it?” - Two hours. Both people communicate in the same state.
2. Cross. The message intersects with the reaction. Most scandals are based on this. So the husband asks the question: “Where is my shirt?”, and in response he hears: “Why should I know this?” That is, the husband speaks from the position of an adult, and the wife answers from the position of a child.
3. Hidden. This is the case when words do not match emotions. An individual says one thing, but his emotions and facial expressions say something else. Psychological games are based on this.

Transactional analysis is designed to answer the question of why the same person in different situations demonstrates different behavior and reacts differently to stimuli.

This is due to the use of one of the three ego states.

With the help of this analysis, you can learn to understand the behavior of other people, make decisions, demonstrate your emotions and feelings. Transaction principles are applied in the following areas:

• when interacting in teams;
• to build a family model;
• during friendly communication;
• in raising children.

In short, transaction techniques are used in all areas of interpersonal interaction.

Adult

A radically different approach to decision making, based on such often contradictory conditions, becomes the cause of confusion in life. For example, when there is a bias towards the child’s condition, we are prone to irresponsibility, to spending money simply “because we wanted to”, to letting situations take their course. When skewed towards the state of the parent, we lose the taste for life, blindly doing what we “should”.

To reconcile these two extremes and bring life into a constructive direction, a third element is needed - the “adult” ego state.

One could take a simplified point of view and say that an adult is one in whom the inner child and inner parent live and interact harmoniously. But, perhaps, this is still an independent part. Moreover, this is the part that ideally should prevail over the other two and be of decisive importance.

An adult, being an intermediary between a child and a parent, regulates their activities. In his actions, he is not based either on momentary desires, like a child, or on stereotypes, like an adult.

He tries to think objectively, rationally, guided by existing experience and knowledge. He processes information, sets priorities and draws conclusions about what to do in a given situation.

As an impartial judge, he listens to both the parent’s and the child’s opinions, but makes his own decision.

It also has disadvantages. Ethical values ​​and beliefs are not important to him - this is the diocese of the parent. He is not able to enjoy life and openly show emotions - these are the privileges of a child. So a person with only one adult ego state will be more like a soulless robot.

But there is no such thing as a 100% adult, parent, or child. In fact, we always have all three states - in one ratio or another. After all, even a small child begins to adopt the traits of a parent, and sometimes even thinks in a non-childish way, like an adult. And vice versa: even in the most serious adult there lives a child.

Adult

Adult – “expedient”, “useful”. Outwardly, a person with his whole appearance makes it clear that he is focused on the object and the topic of the conversation: he leans forward with interest, looks directly at the object, his eyes are slightly widened or narrowed

Attention and interest are written on the face. The following expressions predominate:

• I probably didn't express myself correctly, since you didn't understand me.
• Let's discuss this.
• Please repeat again.
• How do you like this proposal?

In general, he is an adult: he solves problem situations productively, and thinks sensibly. It’s a pleasure to deal with him, of course, as an adult.

An adult is the most objective position. It does not depend on the script laid down in childhood. This is something that a person has learned himself. An adult acts according to the “here and now” principle. Rationally solves the current problem. You can develop this role endlessly, throughout your life.

Complete blocking of an adult leads to the inability to respond to changes in the world. Human thinking is responsible for this role; it is a personal feature of collecting and analyzing information. A developed adult decides which stereotypes of the child and parent to turn off in the current situation and which to turn on.

Parent, Adult, Child in a close, intimate relationship

Now let's return to the topic of building close relationships.

Our inner Parent contains all the requirements for ourselves and for the opposite sex - these are the so-called lists of what our sexual partner should be like.

However, the Natural Child is responsible for sexual attractiveness or unattractiveness.

And the more strongly our inner Parent is manifested, the more often we choose a partner not from the Natural, but from the Adaptive Child, and the more often we enter into relationships, including sexual relationships with a “suitable” partner (from the Parent’s point of view), but sexually unattractive or not sexually attractive enough (from the Natural Child's point of view).

What to do?

There are two ways:

1) Work with your lists of beliefs coming from the Parent and analyze them from your inner Adult, throwing out the “unnecessary”.

Quite often, when we start working with a client on the problem of finding a partner, we start by compiling these lists, and often they contain such “unexpected” requirements as knowledge of languages ​​or a love for the same type of cookies as the client.

When working with these lists from the inner Adult, it happens that the requirements for a partner are reduced to one point (which was not even on the original list), that the partner must be a man/woman - and that is enough.

2) If you have already found a partner who meets the requirements of your Parent, you can awaken in your Natural Child a sexual desire for this person, and for this you need to build a relationship of psychological intimacy with this person - this is the ability to openly express your feelings and desires with this person and for him to express his feelings and desires with you.

In order for you to be able to openly express your feelings with your partner without fear of judgment or evaluation, you will need to exercise two other qualities of autonomy in your relationship: mindfulness and spontaneity.

Awareness is the ability to see, hear, feel, sense everything that surrounds a person at the moment. A self-aware person is in close contact with any bodily sensations and external stimuli.

Spontaneity is the ability to choose from a wide variety and range of feelings, thoughts, and behavior. Just as a conscious person experiences the world, a spontaneous person reacts directly and openly.

And if you implement Awareness, Spontaneity and Intimacy with your partner, this will automatically have a positive effect on your sexual desire for him.

However, as my practice shows, the second path is much more difficult than the first, and if you are not ready for such work on your relationship and do not want the consequences I described above, then it is better to separate and start working on your list of requirements for sexual partners (to Parent list from point 1).

Examples when the balance of the three began to be disturbed

Pedant

If the field of the “Adult” is littered with the rubbish of the instructions of the “Parent”, and the “Child” is blocked, without the opportunity to influence the “Adult” - we have before us a classic pedant, a person deprived of the ability and desire to play. A biscuit that resembles a walking mechanical circuit. And then a chronic lack of bright positive emotions can provoke an explosion of immoral behavior, for which the strict inner “Parent” will punish up to psychosomatic disorders.

Shameless hypocrite

Let’s imagine a situation where the field of the “Adult” is buried in immoderate children’s desires, and the “Parent” is blocked, without the ability to limit them. The actions of such a person in society are determined by the goal: to fully satisfy the needs of his “Child,” while the “Parent” tries to strictly control the environment.

We are dealing with a hypocrite - a person without conscience. Having received power, such a person easily transforms into a sadist, trying to satisfy needs at the expense of the interests of his environment. Over time, conflict at the social level is projected onto the inner world with tragic consequences for mental and physical health.

Ungovernable

If the field of the “Adult” is under the constant control of the “Parent”, and at the same time is burdened by the fears of the “Child”, we are dealing with a person who is deprived of the ability to control. His position: “I understand that I am doing wrong, but I can’t do anything.”

Depending on which component of the ego takes over at the moment, a person who does not control himself can either show himself to be a saint or a complete debauchee. This internal alignment is an ideal breeding ground for neurosis and psychosis.

Problem and signs of imbalance

A person can achieve success and prosperity if the three components of the ego interact harmoniously in him. Each state should account for approximately 30% of his time.

If you know the principles of transaction, then you can include a child, adult or parent in the right situation so that communication goes according to the desired scenario.

Unfortunately, not everyone has this balance. This leads to various communication problems. Most often, an individual is dominated by a parent or a child.

The child cannot make adult decisions, is late for work, blames others for failures, and gets offended.

The parent constantly teaches his other half, friends, partners.

These excesses negatively affect, first of all, the person himself. Imbalance problems are expressed as follows:

Child

If there is little child in a person, then she does not experience spontaneous desires, joy, or emotions. A child is a piece of childhood that remains with an individual for life.

Bern believes that this side is the most valuable. It allows you to remain spontaneous, delighted, and develop your creative potential.

The expressed side of the child, on the contrary, makes the individual irresponsible, undisciplined, and unable to achieve goals. He only wants to play, receive, but not give.

A depressed or rebellious child is very touchy and prone to depression. He needs parental care, depends on other people's opinions, and has low self-esteem.

If the ego-child is very dominant, then this becomes a serious problem. A person tends to blame other people for failures, does not draw conclusions from his mistakes, and accumulates grievances. These grievances and disappointments lead to depression, depression, and suicidal thoughts.

Hypertrophied parent

This is usually a boring, grumbling, lecturing person.

He does not recognize other people's opinions and criticizes. In relation to himself and others he expresses inflated demands, that is, he is a perfectionist.

The ego-parent tries to constantly control the situation and blames himself for failures. This side of personality that is too pronounced often becomes the cause of mental disorders. This can be avoided if you consciously change the script prescribed in childhood.

Adult problem

The problem for adults is that this side shows up too rarely. Not everyone is able to adequately assess reality, make the right decision, accept constructive criticism, or compromise.

True, the condition of an adult can and should be developed and increased. For example, a person experiences resentment as a result of a conflict. He should analyze the situation and understand whether the interlocutor really wanted to offend him or whether the ego-child was emotionally hurt.

Often, skilled manipulators try to evoke the child's emotions in order to achieve their goal.

The next time a conflict situation arises, you need to “turn on” the adult and “turn off” the child, that is, not fall for the manipulator’s hook.

Thus, a person can be considered mature if a balance has been achieved between the three sides of the ego. The immaturity of one side and the dominance of the other become a source of psychological problems.

Three ego states. Your first selves:

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Rules for effective communication between parents and preschool children: take care of the child’s feelings

Emotionally, a child is equal to an adult. Parents, as a rule, tend to overestimate the child's intellectual development, but underestimate the strength of his feelings. The child perceives the world without rational understanding, mainly emotionally. One of the important rules for effective communication with a child is respect for his feelings. Underestimating a child’s feelings often means unjustifiably hurting him. Parents often try to control their child with feelings of anger, shame, and fear, forgetting how destructive these feelings are for a person. Publicly shaming a child who does not know how to use the toilet, laughing at a child when he has done something wrong, scaring him with an angry brownie when he does not want to sleep, teasing a child in the hope that he will stop being capricious, all of these, unfortunately, are typical techniques. parents, which they widely use when trying to achieve something from their children. The child’s grief seems like a discounted grief, unimportant, passing. You will be warned against such devaluation of the child’s feelings by the constant understanding that the child suffers just as much as an adult, and often it is much more difficult to cope with feelings.

The wounds that leave strong feelings in early childhood lay the foundation for the psychological problems that will manifest themselves in adulthood.

So how to communicate with a child correctly so as not to hurt the baby? When building relationships, parents must understand that the baby’s feelings are exactly the same as their own, and under no circumstances try to control the child by deliberately causing negative experiences in him.

Afterword

What is the difference between a constructive business conflict and a destructive one? In constructive, people discuss contradictions and try to understand the opposite side for the sake of a common solution and clarification of the truth. In a destructive argument, people try to defend their point of view and win. But is it possible to win? Are there any winners in a broken family, a layoff, or a fight? No. Each side will feel sorry for itself and consider itself betrayed.

The inability to psychologically competently resolve conflicts and be flexible in roles leads to relationships becoming chronically emotionally tense. As a result, they either fall apart, or the participants develop psychosomatic illnesses and neuroses. Berne's theory is a useful basis for studying the problem of conflicts (in the family, at work, in any interpersonal interaction) and their resolution.

Transactional analysis

The twentieth century gave the world many outstanding people. One of them is the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne (1910-1970), the creator of transactional analysis. His theory has become a separate popular trend in psychology, incorporating the ideas of psychoanalysis, behaviorism, and cognitive psychology.

E. Berne presented the theory of transactional analysis in a language accessible to readers in several works. Many of them have been translated into Russian and have remained bestsellers for more than half a century. His most famous books are: “Games People Play”, “People Who Play Games”, “Beyond Games and Scripts”.

And in the book “Transactional analysis in psychotherapy. Systemic Individual and Social Psychiatry” contains the entire coherent theory of E. Bern, and not only its main blocks, developed in subsequent publications - the analysis of games and scenarios - but also aspects that the author does not set out in his other books.

E. Bern

In a practical sense, transactional analysis is a system for correcting the behavior of individuals, couples and small groups. After familiarizing yourself with the works of E. Bern and adopting his concept, you can independently adjust your behavior so as to improve relationships with the people around you and yourself.

The central concept of the theory is transaction - the act of interaction between two individuals entering into communication, the basis of interpersonal relationships.

It is difficult to literally translate the word “transaction” from English, but in terms of meaning it is most often interpreted as “interaction,” although a transaction is not the entire interaction, but only its element, a unit of communication. Human interactions consist of many transactions.

A transaction includes a stimulus and a response. One person says something (stimulus), and the second person responds something (response).

A simple transaction example:

- Can I help you? (stimulus) - No, thank you, I’ll do it myself. (reaction)

If interaction were based only on the “stimulus-response” scheme, there would not be such a variety of human relationships. Why does a person behave differently with different people and reveal himself in a special way in his interactions?

The fact is that when communicating, one individual comes into contact with another person as a person with a person, or more precisely, some part of his personality with a part of the personality of another person.

Role relationships and view of the world

It looks something like this: in the first case, you are an actor participating in the play, and accordingly, you can assess the situation only in a narrow aspect. You only control your game, in this case, the concentration is high in this area. The second option is this: you are a spectator who is watching the performance. In this case, you are like a caretaker, observing from the outside, who is able to evaluate everything that is happening in a more comprehensive sense.

In the practice of interpersonal relationships, we interact using roles and images, and we play them out from beginning to end. Our partner or interlocutor does exactly the same thing. Sometimes, we “put” on the interlocutor the role we need in advance. And often he accepts it quite naturally. The chain of role relationships can be easily viewed using the example of transactional analysis by Eric Berne .

Parent

In this state, the main thing for a person becomes the demands of his own parents or those who performed this social role - for example, teachers. Or even his idols, real or imagined - as an option: favorite book characters who did the “right thing”.

The key word for a parent is “Must!” Rules, norms, responsibilities, traditions - this is the diocese of the parent.

In a positive way, this all manifests itself as responsibility for one’s life, the ability to stop in time and say a strong “no”, and not succumb to temptations that lead “in the wrong direction.” And the willingness to give yourself love and support.

The negative side manifests itself in automatism - thoughtless adherence to norms, simply because it “has to be done.” And also in criticism addressed to himself, often repeating what significant adults once said: “hands don’t grow from there,” “he’s just like his father,” “but neighbor Vasya is better.”

The state of the parent implies that most reactions and decisions are made fully automatically. Established patterns prevent any drastic changes. Thanks to this, the parent takes care of the child and ensures his safety. But at the same time, it eliminates everything connected with childhood joy.

Video about how the psychotypes of a parent and child influence our decision making:

How to determine the ego state of an “Adult” based on external signs?

You can begin to analyze your own or someone else’s facial expressions, gestures, and peculiarities of oral speech. An “adult” more often operates with the words: “Why, where, when, who and how, in what way, relative, comparative, truth, true, lie (meaning not true), probably, perhaps, unknown, I think, I see, this is mine opinion" [2]. “Adult” uses personal pronouns of the 1st person, saying “I”, “we”, “mine”, which indicates the degree of responsibility assumed; there are fewer impersonal constructions and the use of passive voice. An “adult” does not say “it happened that way,” “it seemed,” “that’s what happened,” and the like.

At the behavioral level, “Adult” is characterized by a direct gaze, without aggression, coordinated movements, lack of ingratiation and suppression of others.

Characteristics of states

According to Berne's model of behavior, each individual in interpersonal interactions occupies one of three positions.

They can be briefly described as follows:

• a parent is stereotypes instilled in childhood;
• an adult is an objective assessment of the current situation;
• child - behavior based on emotions and unconscious reactions.

Parent's position

A person in this state behaves as if from above his experience, coerces, criticizes, teaches. This is a reflection of the image of parents, their behavior model.

The main word of the parent ego state is “must, must.” A parent can be caring, then he calms, helps and criticizes, who threatens, punishes.

A person utters characteristic phrases: “I know what’s best,” “I’ll tell you, I’ll teach you,” “You can’t do that,” etc. Typically, such behavior is applicable to raising children and being a teacher.

Often an individual enters a state unconsciously when he receives a corresponding message. For example, the reaction to a toy broken by a child will be the same as that of his parents.

Adult position

If an individual is in this state, he is reasonable, objective, reacts adequately to the current situation, is capable of reasoning, and does the right things worthy of an adult.

Typical phrases are: “Let’s discuss the situation,” “I’m ready for dialogue,” “We can find the right solution.”

This is that part of the personality that is formed by the person himself without the influence of parental attitudes.

Child's position

Personal behavior is determined by emotions and instincts. That is, a person behaves as he did in childhood.

This ego state is a reflection of the fears and experiences of childhood. It also shows the creative side of the personality.

In behavior, a child can be spontaneous when he acts directly on emotions. It can also be rebellious and adaptable. Basic phrases: “I want”, “I can’t”, “Give”, “Why me”, “If I don’t get it, then...”, etc.

The consequences of different parenting styles and how to mitigate them

The parent-child relationship is influenced by several factors:

Personal experience of raising parents themselves. In adulthood, people bring the disadvantages and advantages of the educational process that existed in childhood

For example, the appearance of younger family members was assessed as a negative phenomenon, because all the parents' attention was focused on the youngest. There is an idealization of childhood, excessive guardianship, and a desire to prolong the child’s childhood.

The result is a restriction of independence, the development of a consumer attitude and selfishness. Awareness of the mistake comes after a consultation, during which parents are advised to give more freedom to their children, understanding the difficulties encountered on the path of personal growth. Children make their own decisions, parents support them, regardless of the correctness of the choice made. Parents' aspirations that were not realized in childhood - lack of achievements. This internal attitude hinders the child’s social adaptation; he is forced to spend more time at home and pay attention to family members. The result is that the teenager becomes distant and spends a lot of time outside the home with strangers. The psychologist’s goal is to identify parents’ children’s problems, make them aware of their own unrealized plans, and perhaps confront them with the fact that it is never too late to engage in any type of activity. This approach shifts the parents' attention to themselves, freeing the child from constant control. Attachment. The fear of being alone forces the mother or father to demand the child's attention. Perhaps the parent spent his childhood in a single-parent family, and there was a shortage of male and female attention. The assessment of the pupil’s behavior is based on whether he creates the required emotional sensation for his parents or not. Parents need to work through this aspect, after which the relationship improves. Personal characteristics of adults surrounding the baby. Lack of understanding and flexibility leads to conflicts in adolescence. It's time for adults to stop seeing their son and daughter as small. A bad relationship or lack thereof with the child’s other parent can cause an internal struggle, a desire to change the person by influencing the offspring. The child does not understand what caused the behavior of, for example, the mother, he is forced to psychologically close himself off. Realizing and accepting the situation is the only way out so as not to destroy the relationship with your son or daughter.

The circumstances of the birth of a baby affect the relationship - unwanted pregnancy, difficult childbirth, long-term illness, gender discrepancy with the expected. These moments can cause alienation and rejection by the parent of the child.

The principle of building communication between an adult and a child: take into account age

At every age you are dealing with a special being. The changes that happen to your child are very great. His body, psyche, the amount of knowledge about the world, his character and aspirations change. There is an asymmetrical picture here: adults who raise a child hardly change qualitatively, but the child is constantly in the process of change.

The difference that exists between the perception of the world by a one-year-old and a five-year-old child is enormous. Therefore, never forget about one of the basic principles of communication between an adult and a child - you must always take the child’s age into account.

The methods you use to communicate with your child should also change. It is quite natural that yesterday’s methods often do not work and you are forced to look for something new, because the child has changed. Parents often do not take into account, do not see this difference, get stuck in the previous stages or get ahead of themselves, demanding impossible things from the child. The realities of parental practice are often such that, having only adapted to communicating with a child for a certain period of time, parents suddenly discover that they are already behind and their methods are unsuitable.

The huge number of complaints with which parents come to a psychologist are not real problems. These are just age-related features, normal phenomena in the development process.

On the other hand, when adults communicate with a child without taking into account age characteristics and important stages of development at each age, one can easily overlook the real problem and miss the time when it is time to contact a specialist for help in behavior correction.

Self-state theory

E. Berne defined the personality structure as a composition of its three components or parts - I-states (Ego-states).

Parent

All the norms, rules, prohibitions, prejudices and morals that a person learned in childhood from parents and other significant adults add up to what is called the “inner voice” or “voice of conscience.” When conscience awakens, the inner Parent awakens.

Most people know what it means to be a parent, to care for, care for and raise a child. In the Parent ego state, a person strives to manage, control, lead. His position in communication is condescending or contemptuous, he is categorical, emotional, uses life experience and wisdom, loves to teach, instruct, and moralize.

E. Berne divided this Self-state into the Helping Parent, who mainly provides support and care, and the Critical Parent, who scolds and blames.

Child

Every person was a child and in adulthood sometimes happens to return to a childish style of behavior. The child behaves naturally, naively, spontaneously, he fools around, enjoys life, adapts and rebels. In the position of a Child, a person often thoughtlessly follows his own desires and needs.

In the relationship between Child and Parent, the Child depends on the Parent, obeys him, shows his weakness, lack of independence, shifts responsibility, is capricious, and so on.

A child “wakes up” in a mature person when he is creative, looks for creative ideas, spontaneously expresses emotions, plays and has fun. The Child's position is a source of spontaneity and sexuality.

The Child’s behavior, posture, facial expressions and gestures are not contrived, but lively and active; they express true feelings and experiences. The Man-Child will easily cry, laugh, lower his head if he feels guilty, pout his lips if he is offended, and so on. His speech is rich and expressive, filled with questions and exclamations.

Adult

The Adult I-state is called upon to regulate and adapt the impulses of the Child and Parent in order to maintain mental balance. This is a state of balance, calm, restraint. When solving a problem, an Adult will consider it from all sides, analyze it, draw conclusions, make a forecast, draw up an action plan and implement it. He communicates not from a position “above” as a Parent or “from below” as a Child, but on an equal basis, as a partner. An adult is confident in himself, speaks calmly, coldly and only to the point. He differs from the Parent in his dispassion, insensibility and emotionlessness.

Each of the three ego states can be defined as a strategy for influencing another person. The child manipulates, taking the position “I want!”, The parent – ​​“I must!”, The adult – combining “I want” and “I must”.

For example, in a married couple where the husband occupies the position of Parent, the wife can consciously manipulate him by taking the position of Child. She knows that she only has to cry for her husband to do everything she wants.

If the I-states of two people complement each other, that is, the transactional stimulus entails an appropriate and natural reaction, communication will go smoothly and last a very long time. Otherwise, misunderstandings, misunderstandings, quarrels, conflicts and other communication problems arise.

For example, Adult-Adult or Parent-Child communication will go smoothly. If the first interlocutor addresses the second from the position of an Adult and expects that he is also an Adult, but receives a Child’s response, difficulties may arise.

For example:

- We're late, we need to hurry up. (Adult to Adult) - This is all because you are disorganized! (Parent to Child)

There are much more complex and confusing transactions. For example, when communication occurs at the verbal level at the Adult-Adult level, and at the non-verbal level Adult-

Child. If the phrase “I don’t agree with you,” characteristic of an Adult, is pronounced with offense, this is the position of a Child.

Transactional analysis begins with the designation of the I-states of the participants in the interaction. This is necessary in order to determine the nature of relationships and the influence of people on each other.

Each self-state has both a positive and a negative aspect. It’s good when a person knows how to combine all these three positions: to be a cheerful Child, a caring Parent, and a reasonable Adult.

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Transactional analysis as a tool for strengthening labor discipline

Effective operation of an organization is impossible without an optimal level of personnel discipline. Strengthening discipline in most organizations can be considered as a reserve for increasing labor productivity, the effectiveness of their activities, and competitiveness. Moreover, it is a reserve that does not require capital investments and gives a quick return.

At the same time, it is surprising that the problem of discipline has so far been considered primarily from a regulatory and legal point of view. Some theorists and practitioners naively believe that if we regulate in detail the organizational behavior of employees, their functions, action algorithms and indicate sanctions (penalties, penalties) in case of deviations from the regulations, then this will be enough to create discipline. Unfortunately, without a person’s desire to comply with the prescribed norms of organizational behavior, that is, in the absence of motives for disciplined behavior, it is not possible to improve labor discipline. Even more than that: the incorrect efforts of some “discipliners” lead to the opposite result, in particular, to an increase in losses and a decrease in labor productivity.

One of the extremely interesting and pragmatic areas in modern psychology is transactional analysis. Its founder is American psychotherapist Eric Berne [1]. A generally recognized feature of transactional analysis is its accessibility. Studying and, most importantly, using this theory in practice does not require basic psychological training. This theory has a very wide range of applications. It is considered as a theory of personality, a theory of communication, a theory of psychotherapy and counseling. Transactional analysis is a powerful tool for analyzing systems and organizations and training management personnel. Its main provisions can be used, in particular, when addressing issues of increasing and strengthening labor discipline.

The name of this direction comes from the word transaction (interaction) - this is an appeal from one person to another (stimulus) and a response to it (reaction). Transactions between people are carried out using verbal and non-verbal means of communication: words, gestures, facial expressions, glances, etc.

Human ego states

One of the central provisions of transactional analysis is knowledge about the ego states of a person, which are special sets of feelings, experiences and elements of human behavior. E. Berne identified three such states - Parent, Adult, Child (Child). The names of states are traditionally written with a capital letter so as not to be confused with the usual meanings of these words. In the diagrams, these states are indicated by capital letters - P, B, D. At a certain point in time, a person is in one of these states, which have nothing to do with age in the usual sense of the word.

Parental ego state

While in the Parent ego state, a person reproduces the behavior of his real parents or other significant adults who had a great influence on him in childhood. He can repeat judgments, instructions, assessments, emotional reactions. In this state, a person shows parental anger, criticism, moralizing, parental care, guardianship.

There are two varieties of this condition: the restrictive Parent and the supportive Parent. The limiting Parent criticizes, prohibits, prescribes, obliges, demands. For example: “Stop it now!”, “Shame on you!”, “You should...”. In this state, a person makes others feel guilty, feel that everything is not okay with them.

In the state of a supportive Parent, a person protects others from danger, reassures, shows care and support. For example: “You can do it!”, “Let me help you”, “Be careful!”. Although a supportive Parent may limit and direct the other person's behavior, this does not suppress or cause discomfort.

In general, the Parental state allows you to maintain good relationships with other people, playing the role of conscience. It equips us with important life guidelines: it helps us distinguish “good” from “bad,” reminds us of social (moral) norms, and gives instructions that play an important role in shaping our life scenario.

Ego state Adult

In the ego state, an adult is in maximum contact with reality. His feelings, thoughts and behavior are directly related to important aspects of the current situation. An adult receives and processes information, transmits it to others, makes decisions, plans and acts expediently.

Ego state Child

Being in the ego-state Child (Child), a person reproduces the sensations, experiences, judgments characteristic of him in childhood. The behavior in this state is very different from the behavior caused by the Adult state. It is most often a reaction to immediate stimuli and is not consciously controlled.

From the point of view of the discipline problem we are considering, special attention should be paid to the types of human behavior associated with being forced to do something that he does not want (Childhood adaptations), and when he tries to get from others what was simply not given to him (Childhood manipulations). E. Berne argued that it is in such situations that the Childhood ego state is most likely to be reproduced.

Example

During the training, one of the participants, who was a manager, said that he had difficulties in managing a subordinate. Every time he reprimanded her, she began to cry. Apparently in childhood, when her parents intended to punish her, she cried bitterly and thus sought to soften her parents’ position. Now in adult life this does not help her. But she unintentionally, automatically reacts to the situation this way, being in the Child ego state.

The ego state of the Child can also manifest itself in two forms. If in this state a person acts under the influence of Parental attitudes, agreeing with the requirements or evading them, then they say that he is in the state of an adapted Child. If a person is independent in the manifestation of his feelings and creativity, then this form of state is usually called a natural Child.

Being in the Child ego state, we dream and fantasize, sincerely rejoice and enjoy, forgetting about worries, we can fool around and play.

Note.

Periodic stay in childhood is considered an important condition for maintaining physical and mental health.

Taking into account all three ego states, the personality structure in the tradition of transactional analysis is depicted in the form of a “snow maiden” ( Fig. 1

).

Blockages of the Adult Ego State

Sometimes we accept as truth some unfounded beliefs of the Parent or illusions of the Child. In modern transactional analysis, such beliefs are usually called adult blockages ( Fig. 2

), or contamination. The contamination of an Adult by Parental prejudices consists in the fact that a person stubbornly adheres to views that are not confirmed by objective facts. A significant part of such beliefs takes the form of prohibitions, regulations and commandments that form the ideal “I” - the image with which a person compares himself with other people and, on this basis, forms self-esteem and attitude towards them. For the most part, such contaminations are harmless, but for managers they can be a source of errors and problems, in particular when solving the problem of strengthening discipline.

Some examples of Parental beliefs related to the use of punishment [2], which can be used as the basis for decisions to strengthen labor discipline:

• “Discipline comes first!”
• “The violation must be responded to immediately.”
• “The greater the misconduct of a subordinate, the greater the punishment he requires.”
• “The greater the punishment, the more activity it encourages.”
• “A person will not repeat his offense if he is severely insulted, offended, or humiliated.”
• “Discipline is based on fear. To strengthen discipline, you need to regularly intimidate and punish.”
• “For a subordinate, the meaning of punishment depends only on the strength of the punishment.”
• “For every misconduct, a subordinate must be punished.”

In the Parent ego state, a person relies on his own beliefs and does not need facts. This is enough for him to evaluate something and draw conclusions. In the state of an Adult, clogged by the Parent, a person uses his conclusions and assessments as if they were facts. This often leads managers to make mistakes because they do not distinguish between their assessments of reality and reality itself. An example of this is the above Parental Beliefs of Leaders. Let's look at them in more detail (i.e. from the position of an unclogged Adult).

So, personnel labor discipline is an essential characteristic of the corporate culture of an enterprise. But much more important indicators of an enterprise’s performance are its competitiveness and personnel productivity. In the modern economy, innovation and customer focus (service level), the conditions for which are the creativity of employees and their organizational loyalty, can be extremely important for an enterprise. That is why an excessive desire for discipline, an unjustified tightening of requirements (“discipline comes first!”) may contradict the formation of properties and relationships that are vital for the enterprise.

It is a mistaken idea that a violation or misconduct must be responded to immediately. Such a manager's reaction can lead to results opposite to those expected. At this moment, the person is under the influence of the motives that caused such an act. The employee at this time, as a rule, is in an excited and tense state, and punishment will only aggravate it. Bulgarian publicist L. Simeonova emphasizes that “repentance and a feeling of guilt, as a rule, appear in a person later, when he calms down and is left alone. Then he is able to realize his guilt. Our words spoken later will be heard by a person who, perhaps, will have time to form an opinion about his guilt that is close to ours” [3].

In addition, the misconduct or violation of a subordinate causes irritation, indignation and even anger of the manager. In such an emotional state, he runs the risk of reacting inadequately to the offense. After some time, after a detailed analysis, the current situation may appear in a different light. A calm assessment of the misconduct and the results of the subordinate’s activities will make it possible to understand his motives, which will probably, to one degree or another, justify the offender. Immediate punishment, among other things, can convince a subordinate of a biased, unfair attitude towards him on the part of his superior.

A misconception is the belief that the greater the offense, the greater the punishment it requires. A differentiated and thoughtful approach is needed in management, since not everyone responds to punishment in the same way. People of an emotionally positive type, optimists usually easily endure difficulties. Important negative events do not depress them. They sincerely consider the circumstances to be the reason for their failures. People who are pessimistic and unsure of themselves react to punishment in a completely different way. They take even a remark painfully. Punishment for them is a confirmation of their insolvency, inability to perform any work. Severe punishment will not only harm them personally, but also the work they do. They become even more insecure, lack initiative, and often play it safe. They can withdraw into themselves, which will disrupt their relationships in the team.

Note.

Taking into account the character traits of a subordinate, one should take a selective approach to the use of punishment: for the same offenses, punish the perpetrators differently, and sometimes refuse to use punishment at all.

It is also a mistake to believe that harsher punishment will encourage greater activity. This does not always happen, in particular due to the subordinate’s different assessment of his actions. Perhaps he is convinced that he acted correctly, and therefore the punishment, from his point of view, is unfair. And unfair punishment leads to a decrease in activity, or even to its cessation. When deciding on punishment, it is important to take into account the subordinate’s attitude towards his work. Severe punishment can motivate a careless and irresponsible employee. One can hope that after such influence he will be more demanding of himself. But at the same time, punishment can unsettle a conscientious and diligent employee. The age, experience and status of the employee in the team are also of great importance. A young employee may lose self-confidence as a result of severe punishment. An experienced, reputable employee will likely experience such reprimand more painfully.

Note.

Punishment should not destroy an employee's positive self-image. What matters is not the force of punishment, but the response that it evokes in the punished, the place that it will occupy in the system of his values.

Punishment should not disrupt a person’s activity, but should stimulate him to correct his mistake [3].

The conviction that, when punishing, a person needs to be more severely insulted and humiliated, does not lead to anything other than the destruction of normal relations between a leader and a subordinate. On the contrary, in the process of declaring punishment, the subordinate must be given the opportunity to get out of such a situation while maintaining his own dignity. According to L. Simeonova, even censure should include a mention of the merits of the employee’s personality and his successes. Only such disciplinary action can be considered constructive, contributing to increasing the efficiency of the subordinate.

The opinion that with the regular use of punishments the number of offenses and mistakes in the activities of a subordinate will decrease is also incorrect. On the contrary, with this approach, a kind of addiction to penalties occurs, as a result of which they lose their significance for a person. In addition, the regular and unjustified use of punishment leads to the creation of a negative emotional atmosphere of activity, increases nervousness, deprives a person of initiative, satisfaction from work and, as a result, destroys the motivation of work.

It is a mistaken idea that the meaning a subordinate attaches to punishment depends only on the strength of the punishment. In fact, his perception of punishment is influenced by the authority of the manager’s personality, the assessment of the fairness of the penalty, and the degree of mutual understanding between the manager and the subordinate.

Note.

It is necessary that the person who blames us has the moral right to do so, and that he himself meets the requirements that he makes.

We appreciate moral support from a person we respect and strive to show our good side to him. In front of him, we experience shame much longer, we experience our guilt more deeply even for a small offense [3]. Discipline coming from an unauthoritative leader often only leads to anger and resentment.

Those leaders who believe that every offense committed must certainly be responded to are also mistaken. Sometimes the lack of punishment can be even stronger than the punishment itself. Of course, this is only possible if the subordinate is aware of his guilt and has deep repentance, as well as the high authority of the manager.

The Adult ego state can also become clogged with the Child. This manifests itself in illusions, based on which a person makes decisions and acts, and forms relationships with others. A leader who makes decisions based on illusions will be disappointed.

Some examples of illusory misconceptions, primarily characteristic of managers:

• the illusion of one’s own greatness (the whole world owes its existence to me, so subordinates must follow my expectations);
• the illusion of persecution, conspiracy (everyone hates me, tries to put a spoke in my wheels, failures are deliberately set up by someone, everyone envy me, the world is full of scoundrels), the source of which is probably a basic distrust of the world [4];
• belief in a “good wizard” (if I behave in a certain way, my wishes will come true and I won’t have to do anything myself to make them come true).

An Adult, contaminated by a Child, takes his fears about reality for reality itself (for example, he is afraid of someone and therefore considers him creepy). A leader often makes mistakes by not distinguishing between reality and his illusions.

When Parental prejudices and Children's delusions clog an Adult, a person has difficulty perceiving what is really happening.

Transaction analysis

As already noted, when addressing any person, we are in one of three ego states: Parent, Adult, Child. Moreover, our message is addressed to a specific state of the communication partner. Perceiving our message and responding to us, the partner is also in one of three states. Our request and the partner’s response (i.e., the transaction) are usually illustrated in the form of a structural diagram, where vectors indicate messages exchanged between partners ( Fig. 3

).

Rice. 3a

Rice. 3b

Rice. 3v

If the partner responds from the ego state to which we addressed, and his response is addressed to our current ego state, then such transactions are called parallel, or additional.

Examples of parallel transactions related to the disciplinary activities of a manager:

• dialogue of the type “Adult - Adult” (B - B) ( Fig. 3a
  ): - Ivan Sergeevich, we don’t have time to have lunch in half an hour. The line in the cafeteria is usually too long. - How much time do you need?
• dialogue like Child - Parent (D - R) ( Fig. 3b
  ): - Today I got a blast from the general again for your lateness! - What right does he have to demand discipline from us if he himself cannot be found at work!
• dialogue like Parent - Child (R - D): - You are great - you are very punctual! - I was so afraid of being late.
• dialogue like Parent - Parent (R - R): - This is a disgrace! Department employees constantly violate deadlines for preparing documents. — Modern youth are irresponsible. We need to punish violators of performing discipline more strictly!

If the addressee responds from a different ego state to which the message was sent, and the communication vectors on the diagram intersect, then such transactions are called intersecting or cross-transactions.

Examples of overlapping transactions:

• a dialogue in which the appeal is made from the position of the Parent and addressed to the partner’s Child (R - D), and the response from the Adult ego-state is addressed to the Adult of the initiator of the transaction (B - C) ( Fig. 3c
  ): - Aren’t you ashamed to make such mistakes in work! - What does conscience have to do with it? Let's look at the reasons for the errors.
• dialogue of the type Adult - Adult (V - V), Child - Parent (D - R): - The lid of the running machine must be closed. This is a safety requirement. - Are you watching me on purpose so that you can find fault later!
• dialogue type Parent - Child (R - D), Parent - Child (R - D): - You are behaving like a capricious child! - Select expression!

Note.

When an intersecting transaction occurs, there is a breakdown in communication, which, in fact, is a conflict generator and can lead to conflict.

In addition, any oral statement can be assessed from the point of view of the text of the message and the meaning that a person puts into the message. Sometimes they don't match. Therefore, they say that transactions can have two levels: open (social) and hidden (psychological). If transactions have different content at the social and psychological levels, then they are called double, and transactions transmitted at the psychological level are called hidden. Hidden transactions manifest themselves in non-verbal behavior (intonation, gestures, pauses, etc.) in the form of hints, irony, sarcasm, provocation, etc. The psychological level of transactions is usually sensitively captured by people, and they respond precisely to its content.

For example, a dialogue between a mid-level manager of an organization and his superior manager: - Will you put things in order with the reporting in the department yourself, or will we help you (threatening intonation)?! - Ivan Sergeevich, this won’t happen again!

Here we are dealing with a double transaction: at the social level Adult - Adult (A - C), and at the psychological level - Parent - Child (R - D).

Adult Discipline

Options for developing interaction

So, what does transaction analysis give us to solve the problems of strengthening labor discipline? To answer this question, it is important to understand that by addressing a partner from a certain ego state, the communicator invites him to take a complementary, i.e., complementary position. The partner may consciously choose the ego state from which he will respond, but there is a tendency to respond from the ego state to which the partner's remark is addressed. Moreover, the more often a person is in a certain ego state, the more habitually dominant reactions from this state become. Everyone, for example, has had to deal with work colleagues who, regardless of their official status, try to control everyone, teach them, or demand something. For such people, the Parent ego state is dominant. E. Bern even developed a test to determine the dominant ego state of a person.

At the same time, the results of observations show that managers most often resolve issues of discipline from the position of a restrictive Parent. If a leader, from the position of a Parent, demands discipline from his subordinates, then two options for the development of interaction are possible:

• the leader provokes the ego-state of the Child in his subordinates with the consequences arising from this state;
• the leader provokes a conflict with those subordinates who are in the Adult state.

Let's look at each situation. How does a person behave in the first situation, the ego state of the Child? He reacts emotionally (plays silence, is demonstratively offended, cries), is capricious, insolent, allows boorish behavior, is cunning, manipulates, and drags the leader into various destructive psychological games. Many managers are familiar with this. But it is surprising that they themselves provoke such behavior to a large extent with their Parental ego state.

In the second situation, to a stimulus from the position of the Parent, which is addressed to the ego-state of the Child of the subordinate, the latter reacts from the position of the Adult and addresses his reaction to the Adult ego-state of the leader. In this case, we have a classic version of an intersecting transaction ( Fig. 3c

).

Both the first and second situations are destructive. Consequently, the solution is for issues of strengthening labor discipline to be resolved from the position of an Adult, addressing the Adult ego-state of subordinates.

To implement this idea, you must at least meet several conditions:

• First: the dominant ego state for a leader should be Adult.
• Second: The manager needs to have communication skills in the Adult-Adult (B-B) style.
• Third: analyze the validity of the discipline requirements. The manager must be ready to constructively (in an adult way) explain to the subordinate why this or that discipline requirement is being made.
• Fourth: An adult attitude towards discipline should be an element of the corporate culture of the entire enterprise or organization.

System of "discipline without punishment"

An excellent illustration of this approach is the work of American management specialist Dick Groth. In his book [5], he does not mention transactional analysis anywhere, but his approach completely coincides with the idea of ​​strengthening discipline in the Adult-Adult (A-A) ego states. He called his method “discipline without punishment.” This method is based on the belief that every employee is an adult, worthy of respect, who behaves responsibly if he sees that his managers treat him with confidence. It promotes self-esteem and self-esteem among managers and subordinates. The fundamental difference between this method and other disciplinary systems is that it teaches how to avoid punitive measures and appeal to a sense of personal responsibility.

The system of “discipline without punishment” consists of three groups of sequential measures:

1. Informal methods of influence include encouraging disciplined behavior and discussing improvements in work style.
2. Formal methods of influence are reminders, formal reminders and time off to make a decision. After two reminders, the employee is asked to spend one day at home, with pay, to make a decision: either he corrects the situation and complies with the established requirements, or looks for a suitable job elsewhere. He is warned that if further disciplinary problems arise, he will be fired. The employee plans his own future, and the management of the enterprise respects his decision, whatever it may be.
3. Dismissal , not considered as the “ultimate punishment”. The employee is calmly (in the Adult-Adult style) told: “You are a good person; we are a good company. But you have your own interests, and we have ours. We tried to smooth over differences and failed. You need to find another job that is more suitable for you. We need to find another worker more suitable for us.” This is an amicable divorce [5].

The “discipline without punishment” method was developed by D. Groth more than 30 years ago, tested in many enterprises and proven to be effective. Of course, its implementation must be perceived as a serious project of organizational change, requiring training of managers, planning and control of the implementation process.

Literature:

1. Bern E. Games that people play. Psychology of human relationships; People who play games. Psychology of human destiny: trans. from English / under general ed. M. S. Matskovsky. - St. Petersburg: Lenizdat, 1992.
2. Poteryakhin A.L. Psychology of management. Fundamentals of interpersonal communication. - K.: VIRA-R, 1999.
3. Simeonova L. A little book about love. - M.: Republic, 1992.
4. Poteryakhin A.L. Stages of human life and practical problems of personnel work // Personnel Directory Handbook. - 2009. - No. 7; 2009. - No. 8.
5. Grotto D. Discipline without punishment. How to turn problem employees into valuable personnel for the organization. - St. Petersburg: Peter, 2009.

Poteryakhin Alexander
- expert of the
HR Directory

Child

This state contains an echo of our childhood - it contains the feelings and needs that we experienced when we were children. This is a manifestation of our inner reality as it was before the age of 6-8.

The key word of this inner reality is “I want!”: I want to play, ride on a swing, eat ice cream... In its positive manifestation, this state gives a feeling of grown wings, encouragement, inspiration. When you want to rejoice in this world, scream with happiness, run happily somewhere.

Wanting only to have fun and play, the child is not interested in the consequences of his behavior. Moreover, he is not involved in any planning, formation, or distribution of resources.

There are no prohibitions or social norms for the child’s condition. More precisely, he does not understand and does not want to understand what it is. “Take it all out and put it in” for him. How exactly you “take it out” and how you “put it in” is not his business.

When a child is faced with a prohibition, with the impossibility of fulfilling his “I want”, protests, resentments, whims, crying begin - the negative aspect of this ego state manifests itself.

Functions

No person can remain in only one state all the time.

When exposed to certain stimuli, certain aspects of the personality are “turned on”

It matters which ego is dominant

All three states are important for interpersonal relationships and perform specific functions:

1. The child’s task is creation, the creation of an emotional picture of desires, which will be a stimulus for further development. The child acts spontaneously, creates, gives birth to ideas.
2. The task of a parent is care, training, guidance. Monitoring compliance with the rules, providing assistance, constructive criticism.
3. The task of an adult is to adapt to the current situation, find a solution, and constructive dialogue. In other words, he must act in accordance with objective reality.

For example, a decision is made as follows:

• the child feels a desire to receive something, feels emotions;
• an adult is looking for ways to solve a problem;
• the parent monitors the correctness of execution, criticizes, guides, evaluates.

How an adult should communicate with a small child: consider the impact of stress

The constant changes that the child’s psyche undergoes, his lifestyle, the nature of communication with adults put him in conditions of constant adaptation to a changing environment, that is, in conditions of stress. If you think about it, for a child the process of growing up is associated with continuous adaptation to a changing reality. It is not simple. Before he has time to adapt to his existence, qualitative changes in the psyche and life circumstances force the body to work again to adapt. This is normative stress, that is, programmed by nature itself, but its difficulties should not be underestimated. Natural stresses are intensified by the lifestyle that modern children lead. Thus, the rules for communication between parents and children are based on your help and support. The process of upbringing is largely built around the difficulties that a child experiences in the process of growing up. Developing the right ways to overcome stressful situations is one of the most important results of education.

Conclusion: you need to communicate with children as carefully as possible; it will be easier for you to support your child if you begin to understand how much he has to learn and adapt to a lot every day. The child is in a very specific, often stressful situation, when everything is new for him - for the first time.

Classification of parenting styles in psychology

The system of educational techniques is an unconscious set of methods. Awareness includes:

• understanding the goals of education;
• choice of techniques;
• setting goals;
• analysis of methods, taking into account experience.

There are 5 main types of educational influence:

1. Guardianship. Parents provide all the baby’s needs, depriving him of initiative and the opportunity to take care of himself. The result of such upbringing is a person’s complete unadaptability to life. The child's independence is blocked.
2. Dictatorship. Signs of dictatorship are coercion, ignoring the interests of the child, physical or mental abuse when trying to show resistance.
3. Non-intervention or liberalism. One side of the issue is taking into account the interests of adults and children, on the other - coldness, inability of parents to learn to communicate, emotional distance.
4. Cooperation is the most constructive community of close people, where everyone has the right to seek help.
5. Parity is a group in which family members act according to a plan that ensures that all people get what they want.

In single-parent and two-parent families, mothers are involved in raising children. The father's role is to provide financial support for the cell's needs.

Peculiarities of communication between adults and preschool children: principles for setting rules

In addition to acceptance, there are rules of communication that are established for preschool children. How clear and appropriate these rules are will determine how they are enforced. For a child under three years of age, it is vital to establish clear, understandable, and consistent rules. For him, this is the basis of predictability and security of the world in which he lives. At an early age, kids form their attitude towards authority and rules in general. How adequately the parents behaved with the baby determines how a person will perceive the rules in adulthood.

There are several principles for setting rules:

1. The requirements of adults must be the same. If they are different, how should the child behave? Having obeyed one family member, he automatically violates the demands of another. By setting conflicting demands on your child, you make obedience impossible in principle.

2. It is desirable that the requirements be the same for all family members. It is difficult to ensure that a child does not spit or scream if the adults around him do this.

3. It takes time for a child to accept the rules. Any new rule meets with resistance at first, and this is normal. When a rule is followed, encourage the child and praise him for following the family rules.

Rules are often associated with prohibitions. Saying “no” also needs to be done correctly.

Parent

Parent – ​​“should”, “shouldn’t”. When the parent awakens in us, we take a “hands on hips” pose, point a finger, express contempt or condescension with a smile. The gaze is heavy and directed downward. The sitting position is relaxed, the body is slightly tilted back. The parent always defends his position, teaches others, and considers only himself right. In the vocabulary of such a person there are expressions:

• I won't stand for this.
• You are completely wrong.
• Do as I say.
• You are required.
• It is forbidden.
• A fool understands.
• You can't really do anything.

The parent always strives to catch the opponent, identify contradictions in his judgments, and prove the speaker wrong. It relies on the information that was received in childhood from the family and social environment: norms, requirements, prohibitions. “Do as I do or do not as I do, but as I say,” is the position of the parent. He controls and cares. When a parent is completely blocked, the person becomes unprincipled and forgets about morality and rules of behavior.